Author Archives: Greer Mansfield

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Glenn Beck’s Tears Save Christmas

Wonkette World o’ Books is a bit late to the party on this week’s Fine Read. The Christmas Sweater, a curious coming-of-age novel by beloved teevee lunatic Glenn Beck, was actually published in 2008, which took place a full, what, THREE years ago, almost? A picture book version (for the kids) and a film/one-man-show version (for chortling libtards with money to burn on a goddamned Glenn Beck movie) followed in 2009. There were many amusing reviews. But no one, it seems, had read the novel that led to the comical movie/show. Until now. Read more on Glenn Beck’s Tears Save Christmas…
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Your Wonkette Guide To the War On Christmas

Christ-killers and Menorah fetishists, ACLU fascists and Kwanzaa-celebrating racists, liberals and Nazis, gather ’round the Christmas fire! Normally at Christmastime, your reviewer would want to read aloud some classics of the season, but this year we must focus on what’s truly important and enduring: books by furious wingnuts that denounce the damnable War on Christmas. According to two incisive pieces of War on Christmas/Christians lit, you liberal hooligans are setting reindeer traps and torching Nativity scenes left and right. But then again, even flying reindeer might be a liberal/Hitlerite plot. What? Read more on Your Wonkette Guide To the War On Christmas…
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Obama Wants Your Child To Be Helen Keller

Young author Barack H. Obama (also a noted current president of the United States) has for some time owed his publishers a children’s book; specifically, one to bring out around the holidays. Barry managed to write just such a thing before he took office, or so we’re told. Your reviewer suspects the President actually wrote it on the job, in between pressing phone calls (“ah fuck it, just continue the drone strikes”) and indoor Crocodile Mile sessions with Rahm Emanuel and David Axelrod. The book, titled Of Thee I Sing, is a poem-letter to Barry’s daughters Sasha and Malia. Of what, specifically, does Obama sing?  Read more on Obama Wants Your Child To Be Helen Keller…
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Sarah Palin Reflects On Stuff, Via Ghostwriters

Surely you’ve been wondering lately, “HMMM, what makes better Hanukkah reading: Sarah Palin’s new book, or that infinite library of Wikileak’d State Department telegrams?” If you enjoy endless Reports of the Obvious (“TOP SECRET: Arabs don’t like Iran!”) and the occasional bitchy gossip item (“Vladimir Putin: DRAG QUEEN BY NIGHT, or so I’ve heard”), go with the Wikileaks document dump. If you prefer something more Exceptionally American Exceptionalist, go with eight copies of America by Heart: Reflections on Family, Faith, and Flag by our tawdry nation’s premier media figure. What lurks therein, to degrade civilization and the human soul? Read more on Sarah Palin Reflects On Stuff, Via Ghostwriters…
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Newt Gingrich Understands Martha Washington’s Rage

Historical novels aren’t like those Important Must-Read Books about getting divorced in Connecticut or that time your grandparents died. They imply that other times, other places, other ways of being, people who are in many ways QUITE DIFFERENT from yourself might be interesting and worth reading about, sometimes even more interesting than you and your addiction to ferret-tranquilizers (which caused your Connecticut divorce). The best historical novels are rich and entertaining indeed, but as with any other kind of writing, 90% of them are pretty bad. Which brings us to Valley Forge, a novel about the American Revolution partially authored by beloved American demagogue Newt Gingrich. Read more on Newt Gingrich Understands Martha Washington’s Rage…
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‘Lone Hen Turkey’ Saves America in George W. Bush’s New Memoir

Former Texas Rangers owner George W. Bush was so upset by the outcome of the 2010 World Series that he retreated to a dark library somewhere and poured his feelings into a huge cri de coeur titled Decision Points. It also includes stuff about his time as President of the United States. You’ve already heard about the fetus jar and other revelations; is there anything else worth hearing about in this thing? Probably not! Nonetheless, Wonkette has read this miscarried jar-person of a book and reviewed it, here. Read more on ‘Lone Hen Turkey’ Saves America in George W. Bush’s New Memoir…
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Weeping-Eagle Erotica: Sad Sex Scenes = Freedom

Down in the dumps about the election? Looking for an escape from our National Jobs & Politics Sadness via the wonder of books? Do you crave Teabagger erotica about a small-town Texan sheriff who leads a dramatic insurrection against the degenerate rulers of Amerika, leaving a trail of dead and maimed illegal immigrants in his wake, while having weepy sexytime with his wife? If you answered “Oh hell yes!” to all these questions, Till the Eagle Screams by Paul Rawlings will be your only pleasure in these dark times. Read more on Weeping-Eagle Erotica: Sad Sex Scenes = Freedom…
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Your Wonkette Guide To Terrifying Halloween Reading!

Rejoice, Wonketeers, for Halloween is nearly upon us! In keeping with the spirit of this sexy witch-burning holiday, Wonkette World o’ Books is going to try something a bit different this week. Instead of reviewing one shameful/inept book, we’ll simply recommend a few different books, none of them explicitly about politics but all helpful in illuminating the Horror and Devilry of our nation’s public life. Read on, and questions will be answered! Questions like: What can studies of witchery teach us about Christine O’Donnell? Also: if Tea Partiers and other folks want to cut government spending so badly, why doesn’t our military save money by becoming more like Dr. Fu Manchu?  Read more on Your Wonkette Guide To Terrifying Halloween Reading!…
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A Pirate/Abortion/Nuke/Fashion Epic, by Ralph Reed

Remember Ralph Reed, shameless leader of ’90s boy band “the Christian Coalition” and smooth-faced huckster for Casino Jesus? Your book reviewer doesn’t spend an unhealthy amount of time thinking about Ralph Reed, but he occasionally wonders, “How does Ralph Reed spend his time when he’s not manufacturing rube hysteria and gobbling up Jack Abramoff lobbying fees to fund his large tacky house in the Atlanta suburbs? Really, what are his hobbies?” Book scientists can now confirm he “writes” novels. Who knew?! Read more on A Pirate/Abortion/Nuke/Fashion Epic, by Ralph Reed…
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Republican ‘Young Guns’ Publish Violent Cowboy Novel

The creaky and lonesome ol’ town of Americaville — no longer a boomtown, not yet a ghost town — just ain’t been the same since that corrupt mayor, mean ol’ Barry Obammer, took office and made every cowpoke, whore, gamblin’ man, Injun and saloon piano player sad as a still sagebrush. The citizens of Americaville need some real cowboys to clean up their one-horse town, yessirree. Cowboys like the Republican Party’s “young guns” Eric Cantor, Paul Ryan and Kevin McCarthy, who’ve formed a posse and written a shoot ‘em up Young Adult Western novel called Young Guns: A New Generation of Conservative Leaders. Just how does our trio of “young” heroes plan to get rid of mean ol’ Mayor Obammer? Read more on Republican ‘Young Guns’ Publish Violent Cowboy Novel…
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Bill O’Reilly Reminds Us That He’s ‘Not Yoko Ono’

Frenzied teevee oaf Bill O’Reilly (of the beloved family sitcom The O’Reilly Factor) had a brainwave one day, possibly while overhearing his Lincoln Town Car chauffeur listening to the Ramones: Why not divide humanity  into “Pinheads” and “Patriots?” Bill O’Reilly is a lot like Jesus, you see, who came to divide people into “patriots and goats,” or something like that. Apparently this idea impressed Bill’s agent and publisher when they were having their bi-monthly “throw the Squishy Ball of Creativity around” meeting. And that’s how America’s newest Must-Read Book, Pinheads and Patriots, came into the world. How good is it? Read more on Bill O’Reilly Reminds Us That He’s ‘Not Yoko Ono’…
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Bob Woodward’s Scoop: Obama Cabinet Hates Itself

Afghanistan always seemed like a fine place to make one’s fortune, what with its colorful poppy fields, rich and varied traditions of sculpture and architecture, and snow leopards slinking in and out of mountain caves. Exotic and fun, right? But your reviewer just learned that there’s some kind of war going on over there right now. Even the snow leopards have, en masse, joined death squads. Probably better to travel to Washington and …. try for a job with the Obama administration, maybe? But all they do these days is fight over policy in Afghanistan and address one another as “dick,” according to Bob Woodward’s new guided tour of Presidential Sadness, Obama’s Wars. Read more on Bob Woodward’s Scoop: Obama Cabinet Hates Itself…
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Jimmy Carter’s Mutant Rabbit Tell-All

Former president/poetic smut farmer Jimmy Carter writes all kinds of books. In fact, this graphomania has made him the first person in history to turn up in Wonkette’s book review column twice. What kind of sweaty bodice-ripper is he offering us now? Something called White House Diary, which is apparently his White House diary. Exciting, right? Your Wonkette book person has often wondered, “How would Jimmy Carter describe transport deregulation, the Soviet invasion of Afghanistan, the Israel-Egypt peace treaty, the Iranian hostage crisis, and mutant water-rabbit assaults in a diary?” We find out today! Oh, and Jimmy Carter really hates Ted Kennedy. Read more on Jimmy Carter’s Mutant Rabbit Tell-All…
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David Limbaugh Will Arrest This Lawless Kenyan

Now that we live under the Kenyan Raj, and the Statue of Liberty is just some chick with an Afro standing in the middle of the Harlem River holding a flaming Sly & the Family Stone record (and The Communist Manifesto), it’s hard to find books and pamphlets written by enraged white Republicans. But every now and then an anti-Obama polemic slips past the censors. Crimes Against Liberty: An Indictment of President Barack Obama by David Limbaugh (Rush’s thinner brother) is one such thing. It helps that it was released by Regnery Press, the world’s leading underground publisher of wingnut samizdat for CostCo and airport newsstands. But what lurks between the covers of this latest in a series of dramatic “Oh hey an insane person wrote a book” incidents? Read more on David Limbaugh Will Arrest This Lawless Kenyan…
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Tony Blair Composes Victorian Novel, For Humanity

It was a drizzly, implacable November evening. Anthony Charles Lynton Blair was pacing his chambers at 221 Connaught Square, absentmindedly strumming “Dead End Street” on his guitar, pausing occasionally to glance out the window at the Georgian terraces across the way. A black dog loped down the sidewalk. Anthony sighed. “I am sick at heart,” said he. Whilst thinking about putting on a kettle, it came to him as a lightning bolt from God’s New-Age Heaven. “Cherie!” he cried. “Cherie, hear! I know what to do! I shall write a memoir and title it A Journey: My Political Life!” Read more on Tony Blair Composes Victorian Novel, For Humanity…
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Meghan McCain’s Wonkette Memories

And what has the politics biblioburro brought us this week? Why, it’s Dirty Sexy Politics by Meghan McCain, America’s flaxen-haired princess of dirt and sex and politics. Meg is a Renaissance Woman, you see: heiress to beer treasures, daughter of ancient sea beast John McCain, Twitress, columnist for Tina Brown’s Internet bestiality mag, plus an author of a children’s book and now of this scorching campaign trail exposé. Dirty Sexy Politics chronicles the adventures of Meg and her “McCain Blogette” staff on the 2008 campaign trail, where they rode from Holiday Inn to Holiday Inn on the back of an obliging elephant (lewdly pictured on the cover and back of this book). The book contains many surprises, revelations, and memorable scenes. Best of all: YOU’RE in it. We mean this literally: Meghan writes about you, the Wonkette commentariat. Read more on Meghan McCain’s Wonkette Memories…
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Lazy Suburban Death Panels of the Future

Looking for visions of a hellish future where every American has health insurance, gasoline costs ten dollars a gallon, and nature has largely reclaimed the exurbs from the strip malls and McMansions? If so, Universal Coverage by Daniel Putkowski is calling to you! A dystopian novel “in the tradition of 1984 and Animal Farm” (says elitist literary critic Newt Gingrich), Universal Coverage reveals the horrors of socialized medicine through the tale of one man’s quest to find a Boat-Hospital of Freedom to treat his unwell son. Fawning blurbs from Newt, Steve Forbes, and the president of NYU’s College Republicans are plastered on this book like gaudy lipstick on a common street pig, so it has to be good. Read more on Lazy Suburban Death Panels of the Future…
 

America Secretly Ruled By Zombie Pigs and Khazar Bankers, Says Important Book

Free citizens of America! Is globalism grinding you down and burying you in Ameros? Are Obama’s secret police camped out in your driveway, waiting to haul you off to a FEMA camp? Does the NAFTA Superhighway run straight through your teabag sculpture garden? Got a case of the swine flu and aren’t sure which pig is responsible? The Trillion-Dollar Conspiracy: How the New World Order, Man-Made Diseases, and Zombie Banks Are Destroying America by widely-feted conspiracy journalist Jim Marrs will explain how and why! Read more on America Secretly Ruled By Zombie Pigs and Khazar Bankers, Says Important Book…
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National Review’s Andrew McCarthy Has a Sweet Jihad For You

When William F. Buckley founded National Review in 1955, did he know it would one day morph into a low-lit bathroom where plump “conservative” writers emote like teenagers filming “THIS IS HOW I FEEL, WORLD” YouTube diaries? Originally envisioned as a place where you could read defenses of Joseph McCarthy and Francisco Franco while sipping a sparkling Negroni, National Review today is mostly shallow wingnuts weeping into their Haagen-Dazs about mean liberals, evil Muslims, and “the ruling class” (what would WFB think?!). Standards have slipped so much that it now employs Andrew McCarthy, possibly of Weekend at Bernie’s fame, as their Muslim Terrorism expert. Andrew has just published a hefty tome titled The Grand Jihad: How Islam and the Left Sabotage America. What’s next, Corner kids? Gay Islam: Why It Will Eat You by Emilio Estevez? Read more on National Review’s Andrew McCarthy Has a Sweet Jihad For You…
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Embrace the End Times With Pastor John Hagee’s Self-Apocalypse Manual!

You might remember godly huckster John Hagee from the 2008 election. He was close to the McCain-Palin maverick juggernaut, and caused them some minor trouble when journalists discovered he held standard evangelical views. You know the sort of thing: God flooded New Orleans for being gay, etc. Oh, and the Holocaust was a necessary part of God’s Plan, because it hastened the creation of the State of Israel, which sets us up for the return of Jesus and the incineration of the world. Hagee’s new book, Can America Survive?, is a helpful guide to those End Times, which he thinks are happening right now because of various Muslims he’s seen on the news. So pour yourself a (final?) G&T, put your ear to the ground, and let’s listen together for the sweet music of clattering apocalyptic hooves. Read more on Embrace the End Times With Pastor John Hagee’s Self-Apocalypse Manual!…
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Robots From Socialist Future Hound Eternal Speaker of the House Newt Gingrich

Every political party needs an intellectual guru, and 1990s nostalgia act Newt Gingrich is the “Ideas Man” for the GOP establishment when he’s not playing Pearl Jam and Cardigans covers. Some consider Newt a great thinker, perceptive about history and full of “American Solutions for Winning the Future.” This is because 2010 America doesn’t really have thinkers. Instead we have policy nerds and op-ed page n’ teevee boredom-mongers, all of them “intellectuals” because, uh, they go on the teevee and type the op-ed page. They also occasionally write books like Newt’s violent robot novel To Save America: Stopping Obama’s Secular-Socialist Machines, er, we mean, MACHINE, a tale of socialist robots sent from the godless future to kill Ronald Reagan’s ghost. Read more on Robots From Socialist Future Hound Eternal Speaker of the House Newt Gingrich…
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Laura Bush Writes Druggy Masterpiece

Remember Laura Bush, America’s onetime librarian sweetheart and wife to the nominal head of the most appalling administration in U.S. history? Turns out she’s written a massive memoir titled Spoken From the Heart (because that’s what these political memoirists do: write from the heart, by speaking from it). We figured that a Laura Bush memoir wasn’t going to come close to the infamy and ignominy of, say, Henry Kissinger’s “Years” trilogy, or a soul-shredding Affront to Everything like Sarah Palin’s best-selling aerial-wolf-massacre manual. All we expected from the former Ms. Welch was a typical political-celebrity memoir: indifferently written, banal beyond belief, an apologia for various horrors. Little did we know it would be a mind-enlarging psychedelic masterpiece/cautionary tale that manages to depict the fabulous highs and sickening lows of addiction to that notorious drug, George W. Bush. Read more on Laura Bush Writes Druggy Masterpiece…