Author Archives: Gary Legum

  welcome to crazytown population you

There Goes Wacky Psychopath Kim Jong-Un, Shooting All His Friends With Missiles

Hm, I like the cut of this Kim guy's jib.
His most holy leader and unicorn god of North Korea Kim Jong-un has allegedly struck again with a creative execution of a high government official. Remember when you were a kid and you would have your G.I. Joe action figures blow up their enemies in Cobra with intricate scenarios involving missiles, the family waffle iron, and anything else at hand? That’s basically Kim Jong-un, only with real people. Read more on There Goes Wacky Psychopath Kim Jong-Un, Shooting All His Friends With Missiles…
  pander bear

Jeb Bush Knows All About Being An Immigrant, Except The Being An Immigrant Part

Just a simple immigrant couple striving to achieve the American Dream.
Señor Jeb Bush was in Puerto Rico the other day to say hola to all his amigos and engage in a little pandering. Because Jeb Bush is married to a Mexican lady, so while he’s not actually a ‘Spanic himself, he understands the immigrant experience for all those who journey to the United States. And he wants the the Puerto Rican ‘Spanics to know that, despite having no representation in the legislature of the country that governs their territory, they are still mas importante to the yanquis, especially those yanquis who want their votes in the Republican Party primary next year, comprende? Read more on Jeb Bush Knows All About Being An Immigrant, Except The Being An Immigrant Part…
  can't we all be civil here

Dr. Ben Carson Wants You All To Be Civil About The Baltimore Police Nearly Severing A Man’s Spine

Prior to Dr. Ben Carson officially climbing into the GOP primary clown car on May 4, he is opening his yap hole to share with us some of his most excellent thoughts on the riots in Baltimore, the city where he lived for 36 years tinkering with brains that he swears, despite all available evidence, were not his own. Too bad Dr. Carson isn’t a spinal surgeon who could come out of retirement to try and help Freddie Gray after the Baltimore police NEARLY SEVERED THE MAN’S SPINE, but hey, omelets, eggs, what are you going to do. Read more on Dr. Ben Carson Wants You All To Be Civil About The Baltimore Police Nearly Severing A Man’s Spine…
  theocratic jackwagons and the politicians who love them

Jeb Bush Super Proud Of That Time He Tortured Terri Schiavo, For ‘Life’

Brave Sir Jeb
Image via DonkeyHotey at Flickr Former Florida Governor Jeb Bush, who is actually a sack of flour dumped into poorly tailored suits, is out on the campaign trail pandering to the religious right like a good Republican candidate for president. Yesterday he sat down for a radio interview with Jim Daly, president of Focus on the Family, to brag about his actions defending life, such as the time he told his brother George W. Bush not to invade Iraq and maim and kill hundreds of thousands of people for absolutely no reason. Read more on Jeb Bush Super Proud Of That Time He Tortured Terri Schiavo, For ‘Life’…
  rand paul f*ck-up watch

If Rand Paul F*cks Up One More Day This Week, He Wins A New Car!

He'll fuck up waving at some point, just watch.
Senator Dr. Rand Paul has fucked up in so many ways since kicking off his presidential campaign on Tuesday that we are probably going to be able to write a daily “How Is Rand Paul Fucking Up Today?” feature for this here Wonkette for the next year. We’re really looking forward to documenting all the ways Paul will fuck up between now and the day next February when he suspends his campaign after finishing ninth in Iowa behind Jeb Bush, Marco Rubio, Ben Carson, Zombie Orval Faubus, and a placemat from a Council Bluffs Denny’s. Read more on If Rand Paul F*cks Up One More Day This Week, He Wins A New Car!…
  quit badgering us about climate change

All The Cool States Banning Employees From Mentioning ‘Climate Change’ Now

Perhaps jealous of all the good press folks in Rick Scott’s rapidly flooding Florida got for its decree that state employees not discuss climate change or even say the forbidden words, a Wisconsin government official stood up and said “Nobody out-stupids Scott Walker’s administration! Nobody!” Read more on All The Cool States Banning Employees From Mentioning ‘Climate Change’ Now…
  declar...(hic)...ations

Peggy Noonan Goes For A Walk, Stumbles, Hits Head, Writes Column Anyway

Mama really needs to get some air now, children.
Sometimes Peggy Noonan, long-suffering Mother Superior of the Order of the Nitrous Stupor, liked to take the air in Central Park. She would stroll along the Ramble and bring along some crusts of bread to feed the ducks at the lake. She might find a quiet bench to sit on, to watch the joggers and the cyclists and the mothers and nannies pushing baby carriages past on their endless constitutionals. She might look up at the grand buildings of Central Park West and imagine them all crumbling to dust in a holocaust of fire unleashed by Iranian nukes. The wind would howl along the avenues, destroying everything in its path. All those beautiful saloons and watering holes gone… Read more on Peggy Noonan Goes For A Walk, Stumbles, Hits Head, Writes Column Anyway…
  if ayatollah once ayatollah twice...

Wingnuts Thrilled With Iran Nuclear Deal, Have Nothing But Kind Words For Obama

Same, Beaker. Same.
On Thursday, the Prophet Obama (peace be upon him) won a great victory over the infidels. Or at least a framework for the final agreement of a great victory of the infidels. And the infidels were not pleased! Of course we’re talking about conservatives and the greater wingnuttgentsia, which took to Twitter and blogs and the airwaves to snark and howl like Ben Stiller when he got his dick stuck in his zipper. It was thoroughly entertaining. Here’s a small selection of the shitfit that will likely continue until Iran mercifully nukes America so we don’t have to listen to the conservatives whining about Iranian nukes anymore. Read more on Wingnuts Thrilled With Iran Nuclear Deal, Have Nothing But Kind Words For Obama…
  konspiracy korner

What Really Happened To Harry Reid? The Wingnut Theories Might Not Surprise You!

Time to retire, old man.
A friend of mine was in Las Vegas a week or two ago. He talked to a number of people there about Reid’s accident, and didn’t find anyone who believed the elastic exercise band story. The common assumption was that the incident resulted, in some fashion, from Reid’s relationship with organized crime. The principal rumor my friend heard was that Reid had promised to obtain some benefit for a group of mobsters. He met with them on New Year’s Day, and broke the bad news that he hadn’t been able to deliver what he promised. When the mobsters complained, Reid (according to the rumor) made a comment that they considered disrespectful, and one of them beat him up. – John Hinderaker, Powerline blog Read more on What Really Happened To Harry Reid? The Wingnut Theories Might Not Surprise You!…
  grifter gotta grift

James O’Keefe Totally Pwns Catholic College For Loving ISIS And Terrorism. Obviously.

Who wants to take one for the team, ladies?
Whey-faced adult virgin James O’Keefe (or his publicist) has been spamming us to take a look at his latest video allegedly exposing another college campus for being a hotbed of ISIS-supporting terrorist love. That way, he can fundraise by saying “Liberal blog Wonkette is attacking us because they are afraid of the truth that Project Veritas reveals yarrrrgle blargle poop!” Well, us liberals love to help out losers and their lost causes, so let’s give him a boost! Read more on James O’Keefe Totally Pwns Catholic College For Loving ISIS And Terrorism. Obviously….
  declar...(hic)...ations

Peggy Noonan Impressed By Ted Cruz, Or Weakened By A Hangover, Hard To Tell

Uh, oh, someone's got a case of the Mondays!
Early Monday morning, Peggy Noonan of the Little Sisters of the Ambien Blackout roused herself from slumber. Her head still gauzy from the weekend’s activities, she stumbled to her parlor, where her house-boy, Manuel, had already set out a carafe of strong coffee and packets of the headache powders he found at some Dominican-run bodega nearby. Those immigrants, always with the ridiculous miracle cures they imported from their native, backward countries! What she wouldn’t have given for some of her great-aunt’s strongly brewed tea right then, with just a splash of Irish to set the world right. Aye, to hear Aunt Mary singing of sailing from the sweet cove of Cork … Read more on Peggy Noonan Impressed By Ted Cruz, Or Weakened By A Hangover, Hard To Tell…
  like tears in rain

Louie Gohmert Teases 2016 Run Then Quickly Pulls Out, Leaving Us Lonely And Unsatisfied

Just plain sad
For a brief moment yesterday, yr Wonkette knew in our blackened heart a moment of the purest, most unfettered joy such as we had never felt before. Purer than when we got that Atari 2600 we wanted for Hanukkah or the first time we touched some boobies. For just a moment we were free of the careworn chains we drag through our earthly life. We were a being of pure energy, soaring through the clouds above the mountains and deserts and oceans of Creation, reveling in the sheer amazing gift of a ravishing sunset, a majestic forest, our one true love’s smile. Read more on Louie Gohmert Teases 2016 Run Then Quickly Pulls Out, Leaving Us Lonely And Unsatisfied…
  twits gotta twit

George Will: Income Inequality Is Good So Poors Should Shut Up

Suck it, people concerned that widening income inequality could lead to economic disruptions and social upheaval!
A cry rang throughout the home of bowtied wax statue George Will, and that cry was “Mother! Father got into the cooking sherry again! He’s locked in his study gibbering like a baboon! Bring me a butterfly net and some spring training box scores!” Read more on George Will: Income Inequality Is Good So Poors Should Shut Up…
  superior trolling

California Ballot Measure Will Put Anti-Gay Bigot In Timeout For Being ‘Intolerant Jackass’

Don't let his cuteness fool you...this is one bigoted jackass.
A few weeks ago we reported on mysterious California lawyer Matthew McLaughlin and his use of the state’s ridiculous ballot proposition system as a vehicle to assuage his fear of a gay planet. McLaughlin had filed a proposition in favor of the fanciful notion that California should shoot in the head anyone who engages in sodomy, aka the “abominable crime against nature known as buggery,” aka The Gay. To which the only appropriate response is, “In California? The land of fruits and nuts? HA HA HA…oh, right.” Read more on California Ballot Measure Will Put Anti-Gay Bigot In Timeout For Being ‘Intolerant Jackass’…
  we don't need your civil war

Congressman From Dukes Of Hazzard: Confederate Flags Are The New MLK

Let's see what them Dukes is up to next!
Yee-haw! What is that Crazy Cooter (of that old redneck TV show “The Dukes of Hazzard” fame), otherwise known as actor and former Democratic congressman from Georgia Ben Jones, up to now? Oh nothing, just going on CNN to argue in favor of allowing descendants of Confederate soldiers to drive around with the Stars and Bars on their license plates in yet the latest instance of the “Everybody gets a trophy” mentality that has infected America in recent years. Cool, nothing we like more than still arguing over this crap in 2015. Read more on Congressman From Dukes Of Hazzard: Confederate Flags Are The New MLK…
  the clown car starts its engine

Ted Cruz Kicks Off Presidential Campaign, Wonkette Staffers Crying Through Orgasms

Thank you for not facing the camera, you Luigi the Plumber-looking motherfucker.
Today, Canadian anchor babby Ted Cruz, the señor senator from Texas, launched his campaign to be the Jesus-Humper-in-Chief of these Jesus States of America. In case anyone was unsure of which Americans Cruz was really speaking to, he chose as the site of his speech Liberty University, the evangelical Christian school founded by Jerry Falwell in Lynchburg, Virginia. No better way to show your commitment to the diverse religious masses that populate our nation than that! Read more on Ted Cruz Kicks Off Presidential Campaign, Wonkette Staffers Crying Through Orgasms…
  and how'd you become king then?

King Obama To Give Citizens Choice Between Voting Or FEMA Camps, Thanks Obama!

It's good to be the king
From the wintry environs of Northeast Ohio on Wednesday, an Arctic wind did blast out across the land, chilling the hearts of freedom-loving patriots everywhere. For lo, the Dread Tyrant Obama did proclaim that all the citizenry be compelled under penalty of death to travel to the voting-booth and place the appropriate number of chicken heads in the ballot-basket in order to designate their chosen representative in the Parliaments of the States and the Nation (the Tyrant Obama will, of course, remain King for life). Read more on King Obama To Give Citizens Choice Between Voting Or FEMA Camps, Thanks Obama!…
  declar...(hic)...ations

Peggy Noonan Pub Crawls Through 2016 Field, Finds Gin, Contradictions, More Gin

Feel the excitement.
Spring was in the air and in her step. The long winter may have left the city’s streets with so many potholes they looked like Berlin in 1945, but the snow was melting, the homeless had cleared off the steam grates in search of cooler spots, and the warm air made New York once again smell like a landfill. After the longest winter of her years here, the city was coming back to life. Read more on Peggy Noonan Pub Crawls Through 2016 Field, Finds Gin, Contradictions, More Gin…
  the preferred nomenclature is "african-american"

Michele Fiore: The Coloreds Go To College Now So Stop Playing The Race Card

Big hair, tight shirt, gotta to get you off of my mind...
Sweet Yahweh of comedy, allow us to thank you for the gift of Michele Fiore, Nevada Assemblywoman and advocate for the most worthless cure for cancer short of prayer. Fiore has already graced us with her views on the federal government and arming co-eds. (For a fun party game, guess which one she opposes and which one she favors.) This week she waded into the debate over voter ID laws, because even the looniest state legislators still get to participate in the legislative process. Hooray for democracy! Read more on Michele Fiore: The Coloreds Go To College Now So Stop Playing The Race Card…
  Tales of Terror

Journey Into Madness: Playboy Interviews Dick Cheney

At the McClean (Virginia) of Madness
The weak light of my sputtering candle guided my descent down the stone steps. In the glow I could read the ancient runes carved in the walls, but of the ancient terrors inscribed there I must not speak.  At the bottom I emerged into a cavern, its dimensions unknowable in the darkness. There was a phosphorous scent like none I had smelled before. From out of the gloaming, an unearthly chuckle beckoned me near. Read more on Journey Into Madness: Playboy Interviews Dick Cheney…
  in the land of cotton

Tom Cotton Regrets Nothing, Except Not Paying Attention In Geography Class

Still a dick
Cement-headed poop ogre Tom Cotton reached the pinnacle of his Senate career this weekend when he made an appearance on a Sunday morning chat show to talk about his light-hearted mash note to Iran and the ongoing negotiations over that nation’s nuclear weapons program. Read more on Tom Cotton Regrets Nothing, Except Not Paying Attention In Geography Class…
  Cloture? I barely know her

Mitch McConnell’s Plan To Woo Democrats With Insults Not Working. Huh.

Hmm, being Majority Leader is not going the way Mitch McConnell dreamed it would...
Yesterday in the long-running, apparently-never-gonna-close national production of Our Senate Sucks (now in its 226th year!), Mitch McConnell continued to be the worst lead since Styles Bridges had the entire place fumigated for gay cooties. With the bipartisan bill to fight human trafficking stalled over the GOP’s inclusion of irrelevant anti-abortion language, the Turtle suggested that for Democrats, “surely no left-wing special interest group is more important than fighting modern-day slavery.” Read more on Mitch McConnell’s Plan To Woo Democrats With Insults Not Working. Huh….