Gary Legum

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Gary is a freelance writer. In addition to Wonkette, his byline has appeared at Salon, The Daily Beast and Alternet, among others. He currently splits his time between Connecticut and Virginia and is sure the 2016 election will kill him.

Peggy Noonan Will Slur Through Her Prayers If She Wants To, Jerks!

Another Thanksgiving had come and gone for Sister Peggy Noonan of the Order of the Absinthe Brain Fog, and she could not have been more grateful. At least what she could remember of it. There had been a relative’s...

Peggy Noonan Sorely Disheartened By Obama, ISIS, Ne’er-Do-Well Ruffians

O grief! O agony! She had known a great deal of both in her time, had Sister Peggy Noonan of the Order of the Ketamine Martini. She wandered Fifth Avenue, the street of dreams stretching along the great island...
The Clintons give Mama such a sad.

Dame Peggington Noonington Explains ‘Work’ To The Little People

Today is Friday and for our sins the Good Lord hath seen fit to deliver unto us further maundering from the pen of Sister Margaret Ellen Noonan, blessed servant of the Order of Thorazine and Gin. Let us gaze...

Peggy Noonan Talked To Guy Who Works At A Deli And Now Donald Trump Is President

Normally she hated August, that dull end-of-summer month when the heat and humidity turned her beloved New York City into a sweltering abattoir of rancid piles of garbage and demolished dreams. When the light at the end of the...
Don't badger me for more details.

Scott Walker Will Repeal And Replace Obamacare With Unicorns And Pixie Farts

Scott Walker has a busy first day in the office penciled in for January of 2017. First he’s going to rip up the multilateral deal on Iran’s nuclear program and bomb those Persian Muslin ragheads back to the Pleistocene...
This debate had Miss Peggy giddy, GIDDY, WE TELL YOU!

GOP Debate Gives Peggy Noonan Very Dainty, Ladylike Orgasms In Her Brain

He was not her usual bodega guy, the one who was already ringing up a new box of Mylanta the moment he saw her weaving her way across Third Avenue after a heavy night spent downing bar nuts and...
Media orientation session at the Kochs' confab.

Koch Brothers Invite Reporters To Not Report On Party For Secret Donors

This weekend Charles and David Koch (family motto: We’ve got all the money so shut up) gathered 450 of their closest and wealthiest friends for their annual political confab and power orgy. The good news: For the first time,...
He's coming to take all your money, white man!

Barack Obama Hacking Your Puters To Steal All The White People Money

What racism is Orkoiyot Barack Hussein Wright Sharpton Obama perpetrating on the innocent white people of America now? Oh not much, just building out giant databases full of racial information to more easily facilitate wealth transfers from whites to...
We would suggest an art auction but your average veteran deserves more than $1.25.

George W. Bush: Sorry About All The Maiming. That Will Be $100,000, Please.

George W. Bush sure figured out a nice scam to earn himself some income in his post-presidency retirement. First, as president, he sent thousands of Americans off to get maimed in war. Then, when they came back, he could...
Must be campaign season!

Media That Writes About Hillary Clinton’s Shoes Demands She Show Them More Respect

On Saturday some nice elderly grandmother managed to set off a media conniption fit by using a rope to keep reporters away from her while she marched in a New Hampshire Fourth of July parade. Of course the grandmother...
Siddown. Shaddup.

Chris Christie Announces Presidential Campaign By Yelling At America For Its Own Good

Having burned all his bridges in New Jersey – those he didn’t shut down, anyway – Gov. Chris Christie today announced his escape plan: to run for the GOP nomination for president in 2016. There are so many reasons...
Perhaps this should be a crown of thorns for the beleagured soul.

Chuck C. Johnson Sues Gawker For Defecation Defamation, May Also Have Banged Sheep

Ginger-haired ass boil Chuck C. Johnson is in the news again, and thank god for some comic relief. Late last week, the chubby-cheeked leprechaun filed suit against Gawker and two of its writers, J.K. Trotter and Greg Howard, over...
On the scene with Wonkette!

Donald Trump Farts Out Yoogest, Classiest Presidential Campaign Announcement, From His Butt

Decrepit sewer vulture Donald Trump finally answered our years of prayers to the comedy gods by announcing he will run for president in 2016. The mogul-shaped puddle of feral rat spooge made the announcement from the yoogest, classiest skyscraper...
Ah, democracy brings a tear to our eye. For all the wrong reasons.

Fox News Says Fine, Little League GOP Candidates Can Have TV Debate Too

Like our nephews’ t-ball league, the first Republican primary debate, scheduled for Aug. 6 in Cleveland and hosted by Fox News, is being turned into one of those “everyone gets a participation trophy” deals, with extra forums now scheduled...
Hm, I like the cut of this Kim guy's jib.

There Goes Wacky Psychopath Kim Jong-Un, Shooting All His Friends With Missiles

His most holy leader and unicorn god of North Korea Kim Jong-un has allegedly struck again with a creative execution of a high government official. Remember when you were a kid and you would have your G.I. Joe action...
Just a simple immigrant couple striving to achieve the American Dream.

Jeb Bush Knows All About Being An Immigrant, Except The Being An Immigrant Part

Señor Jeb Bush was in Puerto Rico the other day to say hola to all his amigos and engage in a little pandering. Because Jeb Bush is married to a Mexican lady, so while he’s not actually a 'Spanic...