Tornado Only The Third-Biggest Bag Of Wind In Oklahoma This Week
Spackle-brained dick weasel Sen. James Inhofe is bad at so many, many things. He does not understand legally defined standards of treatment for prisoners of war. He thinks he understands science better than actual scientists. He is even a shitty pilot. In fact, the only marketable skill James Inhofe possesses is his innate ability to [...]
Yr Wonkette Regrets: An Apologia
It was brought to our attention that in the course of trying to filet Peggy Noonan for being a shameless hack lacking the critical thinking skills God gave a flounder, we said Ronald Reagan was using proceeds from arms sales to Iran to fund South American death squads. Actually the money from the sales went [...]
Wednesday Nice Time: Eric Holder Tells Darrell Issa to STFU
The hardest part of covering the political firestorms currently sucking all the oxygen out of the atmosphere is that nearly all of the players are such unlikable dicks. In fact, out of everyone in the media and every politician who has thrust his or her sneering visage in front of the cameras to uselessly bloviate [...]
Are You Smarter Than These Gun-Toters?
With the astronomical amounts of derp spewing into the atmosphere over the IRS, the AP, and BENGHAZI!!!!11!!!!, it is easy to forget that Americans continue every day to shoot each other with guns in ever more inventive ways. Lucky for you that yr Wonkette is here to remind you that every time you think the [...]
Newt Gingrich Sticks To The Important Stuff: Imagineering New Names For ‘Cell Phones’
Newt Gingrich is really puzzled, you guys! Seems the smartest, most-forward thinking politician of our time (and former actor – note that that is his actual size) has a giant confuzzle about what exactly to call these newfangled high-powered phone things that are so much more than a phone. Just look at them! It is [...]
In Ploy To Weaken Obamacare, GOP Geniuses Give Obama More Power Over Obamacare
Back in November, the United States held an election that you might have heard about. And in that election one B. Barry Bamz trounced the ever loving shit out of some dude, what was his name, the guy with the hair? Unfortunately, the hair guy’s party held on to the House of Representatives and its [...]
Harry Reid Tells Canadian Anchor Babby Ted Cruz to STFU, GTFO, DIAF
Canadian anchor babby Ted Cruz has only been in office a short while, but already he has become a great favorite of yr Wonkette. Is this because typing the words “Canadian anchor babby” never fails to make us giggle? Yes, that is one reason. Is it because Ted Cruz always has that smug know-it-all expression [...]
What Are We Blaming On the Gays Today?
Turtle-brained fuckwit Niall Ferguson, an economic historian at Harvard and right-wing mouthpiece, has a novel new take on why Keynesian economic theory is garbage. Since the world recently learned that the destructive austerity policies major countries keep adopting came from two other Harvard professors who couldn’t work an Excel spreadsheet, Ferguson took the stage at [...]
Boss Hogg Takes Over As NRA President
Alabama, you have given this nation so much: George Wallace, Bull Connor, Roy Moore, insanely restrictive abortion laws, Richard Shelby AND Jeff Sessions in the same Congress, crappy Neil Young songs, and even crappier Lynrd Skynrd responses. Your generosity in contributing to this nation’s civic and cultural life is so vast, we can never repay [...]
Jerry Brown’s Stormtroopers Might Actually Pry Some Guns From Some Cold Dead Hands, and Other Gun News
Hi diddly ho, Wonkerinos! It has been awhile since we submerged ourselves in the crazy world of America’s most prominent and deadly fetish. Frankly, we were feeling a bit overwhelmed with all the stories of people accidentally blowing away their own toddlers while cleaning their shotguns, and then the useless dicks in Congress killed gun [...]
Frank Luntz Caught Telling Truth, Has Totally Mature Reaction
Frank Luntz, a man so morally upright he once took money in exchange for helping Pat Buchanan attempt to get elected president, has made his bones by studying the ways language can be used to generate emotional responses with voters, and then providing politicians with specific words and communication strategies “that will help his clients [...]
Ricin Letters Might Have Been Clumsy Frame-Up, Script Treatment For Coen Brothers Movie
Remember last week when someone mailed a letter containing ricin to President Obama and a Mississippi senator, and it was only about the tenth-most-interesting story going on at the time? And then the guy accused of doing it, Paul Kevin Curtis, turned out to be nuttier than a bag of nuts? And then the cops [...]
Barack Obama Ignoring Immigration Laws, Probably Jaywalking While Doing Rape and Murder
In his quest to misunderstand/misrepresent/ignore the context of everything ever, web-toed glandular mutant Matthew Boyle of Dead Andy Breitbart’s Embalming Fluid Emporium has taken the Obama Administration to task for being elected by a majority of voters twice exercising prosecutorial discretion with regard to immigration law. Oh Bamz, surely you are aware that utilizing such [...]
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