Author Archives: Gary Legum

  declar...(hic)...ations

Peggy Noonan Impressed By Ted Cruz, Or Weakened By A Hangover, Hard To Tell

Uh, oh, someone's got a case of the Mondays!
Early Monday morning, Peggy Noonan of the Little Sisters of the Ambien Blackout roused herself from slumber. Her head still gauzy from the weekend’s activities, she stumbled to her parlor, where her house-boy, Manuel, had already set out a carafe of strong coffee and packets of the headache powders he found at some Dominican-run bodega nearby. Those immigrants, always with the ridiculous miracle cures they imported from their native, backward countries! What she wouldn’t have given for some of her great-aunt’s strongly brewed tea right then, with just a splash of Irish to set the world right. Aye, to hear Aunt Mary singing of sailing from the sweet cove of Cork … Read more on Peggy Noonan Impressed By Ted Cruz, Or Weakened By A Hangover, Hard To Tell…
  like tears in rain

Louie Gohmert Teases 2016 Run Then Quickly Pulls Out, Leaving Us Lonely And Unsatisfied

Same
For a brief moment yesterday, yr Wonkette knew in our blackened heart a moment of the purest, most unfettered joy such as we had never felt before. Purer than when we got that Atari 2600 we wanted for Hanukkah or the first time we touched some boobies. For just a moment we were free of the careworn chains we drag through our earthly life. We were a being of pure energy, soaring through the clouds above the mountains and deserts and oceans of Creation, reveling in the sheer amazing gift of a ravishing sunset, a majestic forest, our one true love’s smile. Read more on Louie Gohmert Teases 2016 Run Then Quickly Pulls Out, Leaving Us Lonely And Unsatisfied…
  twits gotta twit

George Will: Income Inequality Is Good So Poors Should Shut Up

Suck it, people concerned that widening income inequality could lead to economic disruptions and social upheaval!
A cry rang throughout the home of bowtied wax statue George Will, and that cry was “Mother! Father got into the cooking sherry again! He’s locked in his study gibbering like a baboon! Bring me a butterfly net and some spring training box scores!” Read more on George Will: Income Inequality Is Good So Poors Should Shut Up…
  superior trolling

California Ballot Measure Will Put Anti-Gay Bigot In Timeout For Being ‘Intolerant Jackass’

Don't let his cuteness fool you...this is one bigoted jackass.
A few weeks ago we reported on mysterious California lawyer Matthew McLaughlin and his use of the state’s ridiculous ballot proposition system as a vehicle to assuage his fear of a gay planet. McLaughlin had filed a proposition in favor of the fanciful notion that California should shoot in the head anyone who engages in sodomy, aka the “abominable crime against nature known as buggery,” aka The Gay. To which the only appropriate response is, “In California? The land of fruits and nuts? HA HA HA…oh, right.” Read more on California Ballot Measure Will Put Anti-Gay Bigot In Timeout For Being ‘Intolerant Jackass’…
  we don't need your civil war

Congressman From Dukes Of Hazzard: Confederate Flags Are The New MLK

Let's see what them Dukes is up to next!
Yee-haw! What is that Crazy Cooter (of that old redneck TV show “The Dukes of Hazzard” fame), otherwise known as actor and former Democratic congressman from Georgia Ben Jones, up to now? Oh nothing, just going on CNN to argue in favor of allowing descendants of Confederate soldiers to drive around with the Stars and Bars on their license plates in yet the latest instance of the “Everybody gets a trophy” mentality that has infected America in recent years. Cool, nothing we like more than still arguing over this crap in 2015. Read more on Congressman From Dukes Of Hazzard: Confederate Flags Are The New MLK…
  the clown car starts its engine

Ted Cruz Kicks Off Presidential Campaign, Wonkette Staffers Crying Through Orgasms

Thank you for not facing the camera, you Luigi the Plumber-looking motherfucker.
Today, Canadian anchor babby Ted Cruz, the señor senator from Texas, launched his campaign to be the Jesus-Humper-in-Chief of these Jesus States of America. In case anyone was unsure of which Americans Cruz was really speaking to, he chose as the site of his speech Liberty University, the evangelical Christian school founded by Jerry Falwell in Lynchburg, Virginia. No better way to show your commitment to the diverse religious masses that populate our nation than that! Read more on Ted Cruz Kicks Off Presidential Campaign, Wonkette Staffers Crying Through Orgasms…
  and how'd you become king then?

King Obama To Give Citizens Choice Between Voting Or FEMA Camps, Thanks Obama!

It's good to be the king
From the wintry environs of Northeast Ohio on Wednesday, an Arctic wind did blast out across the land, chilling the hearts of freedom-loving patriots everywhere. For lo, the Dread Tyrant Obama did proclaim that all the citizenry be compelled under penalty of death to travel to the voting-booth and place the appropriate number of chicken heads in the ballot-basket in order to designate their chosen representative in the Parliaments of the States and the Nation (the Tyrant Obama will, of course, remain King for life). Read more on King Obama To Give Citizens Choice Between Voting Or FEMA Camps, Thanks Obama!…
  declar...(hic)...ations

Peggy Noonan Pub Crawls Through 2016 Field, Finds Gin, Contradictions, More Gin

Feel the excitement.
Spring was in the air and in her step. The long winter may have left the city’s streets with so many potholes they looked like Berlin in 1945, but the snow was melting, the homeless had cleared off the steam grates in search of cooler spots, and the warm air made New York once again smell like a landfill. After the longest winter of her years here, the city was coming back to life. Read more on Peggy Noonan Pub Crawls Through 2016 Field, Finds Gin, Contradictions, More Gin…
  the preferred nomenclature is "african-american"

Michele Fiore: The Coloreds Go To College Now So Stop Playing The Race Card

Big hair, tight shirt, gotta to get you off of my mind...
Sweet Yahweh of comedy, allow us to thank you for the gift of Michele Fiore, Nevada Assemblywoman and advocate for the most worthless cure for cancer short of prayer. Fiore has already graced us with her views on the federal government and arming co-eds. (For a fun party game, guess which one she opposes and which one she favors.) This week she waded into the debate over voter ID laws, because even the looniest state legislators still get to participate in the legislative process. Hooray for democracy! Read more on Michele Fiore: The Coloreds Go To College Now So Stop Playing The Race Card…
  Tales of Terror

Journey Into Madness: Playboy Interviews Dick Cheney

At the McClean (Virginia) of Madness
The weak light of my sputtering candle guided my descent down the stone steps. In the glow I could read the ancient runes carved in the walls, but of the ancient terrors inscribed there I must not speak.  At the bottom I emerged into a cavern, its dimensions unknowable in the darkness. There was a phosphorous scent like none I had smelled before. From out of the gloaming, an unearthly chuckle beckoned me near. Read more on Journey Into Madness: Playboy Interviews Dick Cheney…
  in the land of cotton

Tom Cotton Regrets Nothing, Except Not Paying Attention In Geography Class

Still a dick
Cement-headed poop ogre Tom Cotton reached the pinnacle of his Senate career this weekend when he made an appearance on a Sunday morning chat show to talk about his light-hearted mash note to Iran and the ongoing negotiations over that nation’s nuclear weapons program. Read more on Tom Cotton Regrets Nothing, Except Not Paying Attention In Geography Class…
  Cloture? I barely know her

Mitch McConnell’s Plan To Woo Democrats With Insults Not Working. Huh.

Hmm, being Majority Leader is not going the way Mitch McConnell dreamed it would...
Yesterday in the long-running, apparently-never-gonna-close national production of Our Senate Sucks (now in its 226th year!), Mitch McConnell continued to be the worst lead since Styles Bridges had the entire place fumigated for gay cooties. With the bipartisan bill to fight human trafficking stalled over the GOP’s inclusion of irrelevant anti-abortion language, the Turtle suggested that for Democrats, “surely no left-wing special interest group is more important than fighting modern-day slavery.” Read more on Mitch McConnell’s Plan To Woo Democrats With Insults Not Working. Huh….
  the best and the brightest

The Long And Dickish History Of Tom Cotton (R-Dick)

Skinny-necked fuckwit Sen. Tom Cotton has gotten all sorts of press lately for his lame audition to write for Wonkette. Luckily there is a whole archive of Cotton’s writing online over at the Harvard Crimson, where the newest prominent example of American psychopathy served on the editorial board during his tender undergrad years in the late 1990s. Based on his work, Cotton seems to have been just as much of a callow, narrow-minded, jingoistic, chest-thumping, self-righteous, brain-dead cretin as he is today. The difference is that he went back to his native Arkansas and got a whole bunch of like-minded hog-fucking idiot cretins to elect him to be America’s most important voice on foreign policy. See, this is what happens when you have a president dumb enough to want to keep the Union together. Read more on The Long And Dickish History Of Tom Cotton (R-Dick)…
  sopranos on the mississippi

Surprise! City Of Ferguson Run By A Bunch Of Grifty Criminal Racists!

Every time we read another nugget of information dug out of the Justice Department’s report on the gangster cartel that has run the town of Ferguson, it becomes more apparent that the town’s entire municipal court and police force need, to borrow a phrase from conservative plans for Obamacare, a root-and-branch repeal. Or, put another way, fire the entire apparatus out of a cannon into the sun. Read more on Surprise! City Of Ferguson Run By A Bunch Of Grifty Criminal Racists!…
  declar...(hic)...ations

Those Uncouth Clintons Have Once Again Given Peggy Noonan The Vapors

The Clintons give Mama such a sad.
The Clintons! The damn Clintons! She ground her teeth as she dumped Alka-Seltzer into her gin, sending waves of liquor splashing over the lip of the glass and along her wrist. She paid no attention as she lifted the glass and drops of gin ran down her arm, soaking the sleeve of her dressing gown. Would no one ever rid her of the pestilence that was those Arkansas grifters? Read more on Those Uncouth Clintons Have Once Again Given Peggy Noonan The Vapors…
  the secret life of emily mitty

Gun-Nut Reporter Did Not Actually Fight Off One Million Crack Fiends Singlehandedly

A few years ago, wingnutty bobblehead Emily Miller published a series of articles about the Kafka-esque bureaucratic nightmare she encountered when buying and registering a handgun in Washington after she survived a home invasion. She eventually expanded the articles into the book “Emily Gets Her Gun…But Obama Wants to Take Yours,” for which she has been feted by gun-humpers everywhere. The NRA even made a video of her story. A dark night, a vulnerable young blonde white woman, a bunch of street thugs probably hopped up on the Mary Jane … Scary! Read more on Gun-Nut Reporter Did Not Actually Fight Off One Million Crack Fiends Singlehandedly…
  department of "welp"

Justice Department Has Some Thoughts On The Ferguson P.D.

Sorry, dude.
On Wednesday, the Justice Department released two reports related to last summer’s events in Ferguson, Missouri. One report dealt with Officer Darren Wilson’s shooting of Michael Brown. The other dealt with the city of Ferguson being run by a bunch of racist shitheels who used the mostly black and impoverished civilian population as a perpetual revenue-generating machine instead of treating them like human beings. Guess which report the wingnutgentsia seems most interested in! Read more on Justice Department Has Some Thoughts On The Ferguson P.D….
  department of punching yourself in the face

House Finally Passes DHS Funding Bill, John Boehner Now In Witness Protection

Suck it
While we were still busy fuming over the hosannas being tossed at this asshole by a bunch of cock-gobbling cum muffins, the House actually managed to do something worthwhile: It passed a clean funding bill for the Department of Homeland Security. So DHS stays open through the end of the fiscal year in September, President Obama continues to have prosecutorial discretion over how best to allocate resources in deporting illegal immigrants and allowing some of them a chance to apply for citizenship, and the wingnuts of the Rabid Ferret caucus get yet another reason for daily blood pressure monitoring. Everybody wins! Read more on House Finally Passes DHS Funding Bill, John Boehner Now In Witness Protection…
  so long and thanks for all the gefilte fish

Loathsome Warmonger Addresses Congress. (Not Dick Cheney.)

Go fuck yourself
Bibi Netanyahu came to Capitol Hill on Tuesday to deliver his much-anticipated speech to Congress. (No we will not embed it here because we love you.) Wonkette’s Los Angeles bureau rolled out of bed early to watch it, because there is nothing we like more than starting our day with a little bloodthirsty warmongering. It pairs so well with coffee and rage. Here for your pleasure is our retroactive liveblog of the speech. Read more on Loathsome Warmonger Addresses Congress. (Not Dick Cheney.)…
  Come and see the violence inherent in the system!

LAPD Probably Fully Justified In Shooting Homeless Guy As He Lay Prone On Ground, Says LAPD

Joe Friday has had enough of this shit.
Sunday was a lovely day in Los Angeles, unless you were the homeless guy on downtown’s Skid Row scuffling with LAPD officers who shot and killed you while holding you down on the sidewalk. Then maybe your day was not so good. Read more on LAPD Probably Fully Justified In Shooting Homeless Guy As He Lay Prone On Ground, Says LAPD…
  the beast that ascendeth out of the bottomless pit

Happy Birthday, Tea Party! Now Die In A Fire

Happy sixth birthday to the Tea Party! Okay we’re a little late here, as the big day was in the middle of last week. We have just been so busy writing about all the insane horseshit you teabaggers have unleashed on our politics that we forgot to stop for a minute and appreciate the six years of joy you have brought us, with your whining and hollering and dressing up in leftover costumes from our first-grade play about the Founding Fathers. Read more on Happy Birthday, Tea Party! Now Die In A Fire…
  department of grifting

Guys, Please Don’t Murder James O’Keefe

Raging garbage fire James O’Keefe has released another one of his fake videos, one that promises to be his most dangerous project yet, according to O’Keefe himself. Will he once again risk getting shot by the Border Patrol as he wades across a drainage ditch dressed in a thrown-together-at-the-last-minute Halloween costume? Cross Lake Erie from Canada into Cleveland with a bag of radioactive doughnuts from Tim Horton’s? What feats of derring-do will this intrepid daredevil undertake to get to the truth? Read more on Guys, Please Don’t Murder James O’Keefe…