Author Archives: Gary Legum

  declar...(hic)...ations

Peggy Noonan Talked To Guy Who Works At A Deli And Now Donald Trump Is President

I talked to him! He’s Spanish and I talked to him! Normally she hated August, that dull end-of-summer month when the heat and humidity turned her beloved New York City into a sweltering abattoir of rancid piles of garbage and demolished dreams. When the light at the end of the tunnel was the reflection off the Freedom Tower frying pedestrians on the sidewalk. When the bartenders at her favorite saloons sweated more than the bottles. Read more on Peggy Noonan Talked To Guy Who Works At A Deli And Now Donald Trump Is President…
  on wisconsin

Scott Walker Will Repeal And Replace Obamacare With Unicorns And Pixie Farts

Don't badger me for more details.
Scott Walker has a busy first day in the office penciled in for January of 2017. First he’s going to rip up the multilateral deal on Iran’s nuclear program and bomb those Persian Muslin ragheads back to the Pleistocene Era. Then he’s going to repeal and replace Obamacare with this little plan he revealed on Tuesday. And also, Inaugural balls! Read more on Scott Walker Will Repeal And Replace Obamacare With Unicorns And Pixie Farts…
  Of course SHE was drunkblogging

GOP Debate Gives Peggy Noonan Very Dainty, Ladylike Orgasms In Her Brain

This debate had Miss Peggy giddy, GIDDY, WE TELL YOU!
He was not her usual bodega guy, the one who was already ringing up a new box of Mylanta the moment he saw her weaving her way across Third Avenue after a heavy night spent downing bar nuts and Bourbon Cobblers. This new counterman was unfamiliar with the pre-debate rituals of one Peggy Noonan, sister in good standing of the Order of Methaqualone Stupors. So he deserved the resulting disdain when he said he hoped she wasn’t planning a presidential debate drinking game to facilitate the consumption of her purchases. At least not if she wanted to keep her liver from fleeing to Bolivia. Her noble and icy stare caused him to stop mid-sentence, a thin line of drool descending from his lip in his panic, and hurriedly make change from the two crisp portraits of Benjamin Franklin she shoved at him. Read more on GOP Debate Gives Peggy Noonan Very Dainty, Ladylike Orgasms In Her Brain…
  hookers and koch

Koch Brothers Invite Reporters To Not Report On Party For Secret Donors

Media orientation session at the Kochs' confab.
This weekend Charles and David Koch (family motto: We’ve got all the money so shut up) gathered 450 of their closest and wealthiest friends for their annual political confab and power orgy. The good news: For the first time, journalists were allowed to attend the event at the St. Regis Monarch Beach luxury resort in Dana Point, a wealthy California suburb. The bad news: The ink-stained wretches’ attendance was predicated on their agreeing to not actually tell the public the names of any of the donors they were wrestling for the last shrimp cocktail. Read more on Koch Brothers Invite Reporters To Not Report On Party For Secret Donors…
  fear of a black president

Barack Obama Hacking Your Puters To Steal All The White People Money

He's coming to take all your money, white man!
What racism is Orkoiyot Barack Hussein Wright Sharpton Obama perpetrating on the innocent white people of America now? Oh not much, just building out giant databases full of racial information to more easily facilitate wealth transfers from whites to blacks. Hey, you know who else wanted a database full of information on citizens so he could steal all their wealth? Read more on Barack Obama Hacking Your Puters To Steal All The White People Money…
  pull youselves up by your bootstraps (if you still have legs)

George W. Bush: Sorry About All The Maiming. That Will Be $100,000, Please.

We would suggest an art auction but your average veteran deserves more than $1.25.
George W. Bush sure figured out a nice scam to earn himself some income in his post-presidency retirement. First, as president, he sent thousands of Americans off to get maimed in war. Then, when they came back, he could charge charities trying to help those maimed soldiers a cool $100,000 to come shower them with bullshit platitudes at gala dinners. Whee! Read more on George W. Bush: Sorry About All The Maiming. That Will Be $100,000, Please….
  You know who doesn't love a parade? Hitlery!

Media That Writes About Hillary Clinton’s Shoes Demands She Show Them More Respect

Must be campaign season!
On Saturday some nice elderly grandmother managed to set off a media conniption fit by using a rope to keep reporters away from her while she marched in a New Hampshire Fourth of July parade. Of course the grandmother was Hillary Clinton and New Hampshire is the most important state in the Union, at least until next February when we can go back to just thinking of it as that really cold shithole that isn’t Vermont. Hence the conniption. Read more on Media That Writes About Hillary Clinton’s Shoes Demands She Show Them More Respect…
  a candidate for shouty-americans everywhere

Chris Christie Announces Presidential Campaign By Yelling At America For Its Own Good

Siddown. Shaddup.
Having burned all his bridges in New Jersey – those he didn’t shut down, anyway – Gov. Chris Christie today announced his escape plan: to run for the GOP nomination for president in 2016. There are so many reasons why Christie is likely undertaking this utterly doomed effort: ego, pride, galactically outsized ambition, the fact that everyone in his state hates him so much he might as well spend even less time there than he already does. Yr Wonkette couldn’t make it to this announcement in person like last time, but we could commandeer the TV in our brother’s living room to watch and write a live-blog. Read more on Chris Christie Announces Presidential Campaign By Yelling At America For Its Own Good…
  grifters gotta grift floor poopers gotta poop

Chuck C. Johnson Sues Gawker For Defecation Defamation, May Also Have Banged Sheep

Perhaps this should be a crown of thorns for the beleagured soul.
Ginger-haired ass boil Chuck C. Johnson is in the news again, and thank god for some comic relief. Late last week, the chubby-cheeked leprechaun filed suit against Gawker and two of its writers, J.K. Trotter and Greg Howard, over stories published last December on Gawker and Deadspin profiling Johnson and his particular brand of “journalism.” Let us read the complaint and laugh together, again, at this terrible “human.” Read more on Chuck C. Johnson Sues Gawker For Defecation Defamation, May Also Have Banged Sheep…
  live from new york

Donald Trump Farts Out Yoogest, Classiest Presidential Campaign Announcement, From His Butt

On the scene with Wonkette!
Decrepit sewer vulture Donald Trump finally answered our years of prayers to the comedy gods by announcing he will run for president in 2016. The mogul-shaped puddle of feral rat spooge made the announcement from the yoogest, classiest skyscraper ever constructed by man, Trump Tower in New York City. And yr Wonkette, tired of summering in Connecticut like a drunken dilettante in a Cheever story, thought attending this laugh-fest would be a nice way to spend a morning. Come, let us squint through the glare of the Trump Tower lobby’s miles of marble and gold flake together. Read more on Donald Trump Farts Out Yoogest, Classiest Presidential Campaign Announcement, From His Butt…
  no clown left behind

Fox News Says Fine, Little League GOP Candidates Can Have TV Debate Too

Ah, democracy brings a tear to our eye. For all the wrong reasons.
Like our nephews’ t-ball league, the first Republican primary debate, scheduled for Aug. 6 in Cleveland and hosted by Fox News, is being turned into one of those “everyone gets a participation trophy” deals, with extra forums now scheduled to give rubes like Rick Santorum’s one fan in Iowa (her name is Peggy) a chance to pretend they matter to our democracy. If the forums and debate involve all the candidates onstage diving on a ground ball before whoever comes up with it forgets to throw to first (our money’s on Rick Perry), we won’t be surprised. Read more on Fox News Says Fine, Little League GOP Candidates Can Have TV Debate Too…
  welcome to crazytown population you

There Goes Wacky Psychopath Kim Jong-Un, Shooting All His Friends With Missiles

Hm, I like the cut of this Kim guy's jib.
His most holy leader and unicorn god of North Korea Kim Jong-un has allegedly struck again with a creative execution of a high government official. Remember when you were a kid and you would have your G.I. Joe action figures blow up their enemies in Cobra with intricate scenarios involving missiles, the family waffle iron, and anything else at hand? That’s basically Kim Jong-un, only with real people. Read more on There Goes Wacky Psychopath Kim Jong-Un, Shooting All His Friends With Missiles…
  pander bear

Jeb Bush Knows All About Being An Immigrant, Except The Being An Immigrant Part

Just a simple immigrant couple striving to achieve the American Dream.
Señor Jeb Bush was in Puerto Rico the other day to say hola to all his amigos and engage in a little pandering. Because Jeb Bush is married to a Mexican lady, so while he’s not actually a ‘Spanic himself, he understands the immigrant experience for all those who journey to the United States. And he wants the the Puerto Rican ‘Spanics to know that, despite having no representation in the legislature of the country that governs their territory, they are still mas importante to the yanquis, especially those yanquis who want their votes in the Republican Party primary next year, comprende? Read more on Jeb Bush Knows All About Being An Immigrant, Except The Being An Immigrant Part…
  can't we all be civil here

Dr. Ben Carson Wants You All To Be Civil About The Baltimore Police Nearly Severing A Man’s Spine

Prior to Dr. Ben Carson officially climbing into the GOP primary clown car on May 4, he is opening his yap hole to share with us some of his most excellent thoughts on the riots in Baltimore, the city where he lived for 36 years tinkering with brains that he swears, despite all available evidence, were not his own. Too bad Dr. Carson isn’t a spinal surgeon who could come out of retirement to try and help Freddie Gray after the Baltimore police NEARLY SEVERED THE MAN’S SPINE, but hey, omelets, eggs, what are you going to do. Read more on Dr. Ben Carson Wants You All To Be Civil About The Baltimore Police Nearly Severing A Man’s Spine…
  theocratic jackwagons and the politicians who love them

Jeb Bush Super Proud Of That Time He Tortured Terri Schiavo, For ‘Life’

Brave Sir Jeb
Image via DonkeyHotey at Flickr Former Florida Governor Jeb Bush, who is actually a sack of flour dumped into poorly tailored suits, is out on the campaign trail pandering to the religious right like a good Republican candidate for president. Yesterday he sat down for a radio interview with Jim Daly, president of Focus on the Family, to brag about his actions defending life, such as the time he told his brother George W. Bush not to invade Iraq and maim and kill hundreds of thousands of people for absolutely no reason. Read more on Jeb Bush Super Proud Of That Time He Tortured Terri Schiavo, For ‘Life’…
  rand paul f*ck-up watch

If Rand Paul F*cks Up One More Day This Week, He Wins A New Car!

He'll fuck up waving at some point, just watch.
Senator Dr. Rand Paul has fucked up in so many ways since kicking off his presidential campaign on Tuesday that we are probably going to be able to write a daily “How Is Rand Paul Fucking Up Today?” feature for this here Wonkette for the next year. We’re really looking forward to documenting all the ways Paul will fuck up between now and the day next February when he suspends his campaign after finishing ninth in Iowa behind Jeb Bush, Marco Rubio, Ben Carson, Zombie Orval Faubus, and a placemat from a Council Bluffs Denny’s. Read more on If Rand Paul F*cks Up One More Day This Week, He Wins A New Car!…