Author Archives: Gary Legum

  fear of a black president

Barack Obama Hacking Your Puters To Steal All The White People Money

He's coming to take all your money, white man!
What racism is Orkoiyot Barack Hussein Wright Sharpton Obama perpetrating on the innocent white people of America now? Oh not much, just building out giant databases full of racial information to more easily facilitate wealth transfers from whites to blacks. Hey, you know who else wanted a database full of information on citizens so he could steal all their wealth? Read more on Barack Obama Hacking Your Puters To Steal All The White People Money…
  pull youselves up by your bootstraps (if you still have legs)

George W. Bush: Sorry About All The Maiming. That Will Be $100,000, Please.

We would suggest an art auction but your average veteran deserves more than $1.25.
George W. Bush sure figured out a nice scam to earn himself some income in his post-presidency retirement. First, as president, he sent thousands of Americans off to get maimed in war. Then, when they came back, he could charge charities trying to help those maimed soldiers a cool $100,000 to come shower them with bullshit platitudes at gala dinners. Whee! Read more on George W. Bush: Sorry About All The Maiming. That Will Be $100,000, Please….
  You know who doesn't love a parade? Hitlery!

Media That Writes About Hillary Clinton’s Shoes Demands She Show Them More Respect

Must be campaign season!
On Saturday some nice elderly grandmother managed to set off a media conniption fit by using a rope to keep reporters away from her while she marched in a New Hampshire Fourth of July parade. Of course the grandmother was Hillary Clinton and New Hampshire is the most important state in the Union, at least until next February when we can go back to just thinking of it as that really cold shithole that isn’t Vermont. Hence the conniption. Read more on Media That Writes About Hillary Clinton’s Shoes Demands She Show Them More Respect…
  a candidate for shouty-americans everywhere

Chris Christie Announces Presidential Campaign By Yelling At America For Its Own Good

Siddown. Shaddup.
Having burned all his bridges in New Jersey – those he didn’t shut down, anyway – Gov. Chris Christie today announced his escape plan: to run for the GOP nomination for president in 2016. There are so many reasons why Christie is likely undertaking this utterly doomed effort: ego, pride, galactically outsized ambition, the fact that everyone in his state hates him so much he might as well spend even less time there than he already does. Yr Wonkette couldn’t make it to this announcement in person like last time, but we could commandeer the TV in our brother’s living room to watch and write a live-blog. Read more on Chris Christie Announces Presidential Campaign By Yelling At America For Its Own Good…
  grifters gotta grift floor poopers gotta poop

Chuck C. Johnson Sues Gawker For Defecation Defamation, May Also Have Banged Sheep

Perhaps this should be a crown of thorns for the beleagured soul.
Ginger-haired ass boil Chuck C. Johnson is in the news again, and thank god for some comic relief. Late last week, the chubby-cheeked leprechaun filed suit against Gawker and two of its writers, J.K. Trotter and Greg Howard, over stories published last December on Gawker and Deadspin profiling Johnson and his particular brand of “journalism.” Let us read the complaint and laugh together, again, at this terrible “human.” Read more on Chuck C. Johnson Sues Gawker For Defecation Defamation, May Also Have Banged Sheep…
  live from new york

Donald Trump Farts Out Yoogest, Classiest Presidential Campaign Announcement, From His Butt

On the scene with Wonkette!
Decrepit sewer vulture Donald Trump finally answered our years of prayers to the comedy gods by announcing he will run for president in 2016. The mogul-shaped puddle of feral rat spooge made the announcement from the yoogest, classiest skyscraper ever constructed by man, Trump Tower in New York City. And yr Wonkette, tired of summering in Connecticut like a drunken dilettante in a Cheever story, thought attending this laugh-fest would be a nice way to spend a morning. Come, let us squint through the glare of the Trump Tower lobby’s miles of marble and gold flake together. Read more on Donald Trump Farts Out Yoogest, Classiest Presidential Campaign Announcement, From His Butt…
  no clown left behind

Fox News Says Fine, Little League GOP Candidates Can Have TV Debate Too

Ah, democracy brings a tear to our eye. For all the wrong reasons.
Like our nephews’ t-ball league, the first Republican primary debate, scheduled for Aug. 6 in Cleveland and hosted by Fox News, is being turned into one of those “everyone gets a participation trophy” deals, with extra forums now scheduled to give rubes like Rick Santorum’s one fan in Iowa (her name is Peggy) a chance to pretend they matter to our democracy. If the forums and debate involve all the candidates onstage diving on a ground ball before whoever comes up with it forgets to throw to first (our money’s on Rick Perry), we won’t be surprised. Read more on Fox News Says Fine, Little League GOP Candidates Can Have TV Debate Too…
  welcome to crazytown population you

There Goes Wacky Psychopath Kim Jong-Un, Shooting All His Friends With Missiles

Hm, I like the cut of this Kim guy's jib.
His most holy leader and unicorn god of North Korea Kim Jong-un has allegedly struck again with a creative execution of a high government official. Remember when you were a kid and you would have your G.I. Joe action figures blow up their enemies in Cobra with intricate scenarios involving missiles, the family waffle iron, and anything else at hand? That’s basically Kim Jong-un, only with real people. Read more on There Goes Wacky Psychopath Kim Jong-Un, Shooting All His Friends With Missiles…
  pander bear

Jeb Bush Knows All About Being An Immigrant, Except The Being An Immigrant Part

Just a simple immigrant couple striving to achieve the American Dream.
Señor Jeb Bush was in Puerto Rico the other day to say hola to all his amigos and engage in a little pandering. Because Jeb Bush is married to a Mexican lady, so while he’s not actually a ‘Spanic himself, he understands the immigrant experience for all those who journey to the United States. And he wants the the Puerto Rican ‘Spanics to know that, despite having no representation in the legislature of the country that governs their territory, they are still mas importante to the yanquis, especially those yanquis who want their votes in the Republican Party primary next year, comprende? Read more on Jeb Bush Knows All About Being An Immigrant, Except The Being An Immigrant Part…
  can't we all be civil here

Dr. Ben Carson Wants You All To Be Civil About The Baltimore Police Nearly Severing A Man’s Spine

Prior to Dr. Ben Carson officially climbing into the GOP primary clown car on May 4, he is opening his yap hole to share with us some of his most excellent thoughts on the riots in Baltimore, the city where he lived for 36 years tinkering with brains that he swears, despite all available evidence, were not his own. Too bad Dr. Carson isn’t a spinal surgeon who could come out of retirement to try and help Freddie Gray after the Baltimore police NEARLY SEVERED THE MAN’S SPINE, but hey, omelets, eggs, what are you going to do. Read more on Dr. Ben Carson Wants You All To Be Civil About The Baltimore Police Nearly Severing A Man’s Spine…
  theocratic jackwagons and the politicians who love them

Jeb Bush Super Proud Of That Time He Tortured Terri Schiavo, For ‘Life’

Brave Sir Jeb
Image via DonkeyHotey at Flickr Former Florida Governor Jeb Bush, who is actually a sack of flour dumped into poorly tailored suits, is out on the campaign trail pandering to the religious right like a good Republican candidate for president. Yesterday he sat down for a radio interview with Jim Daly, president of Focus on the Family, to brag about his actions defending life, such as the time he told his brother George W. Bush not to invade Iraq and maim and kill hundreds of thousands of people for absolutely no reason. Read more on Jeb Bush Super Proud Of That Time He Tortured Terri Schiavo, For ‘Life’…
  rand paul f*ck-up watch

If Rand Paul F*cks Up One More Day This Week, He Wins A New Car!

He'll fuck up waving at some point, just watch.
Senator Dr. Rand Paul has fucked up in so many ways since kicking off his presidential campaign on Tuesday that we are probably going to be able to write a daily “How Is Rand Paul Fucking Up Today?” feature for this here Wonkette for the next year. We’re really looking forward to documenting all the ways Paul will fuck up between now and the day next February when he suspends his campaign after finishing ninth in Iowa behind Jeb Bush, Marco Rubio, Ben Carson, Zombie Orval Faubus, and a placemat from a Council Bluffs Denny’s. Read more on If Rand Paul F*cks Up One More Day This Week, He Wins A New Car!…
  quit badgering us about climate change

All The Cool States Banning Employees From Mentioning ‘Climate Change’ Now

Perhaps jealous of all the good press folks in Rick Scott’s rapidly flooding Florida got for its decree that state employees not discuss climate change or even say the forbidden words, a Wisconsin government official stood up and said “Nobody out-stupids Scott Walker’s administration! Nobody!” Read more on All The Cool States Banning Employees From Mentioning ‘Climate Change’ Now…
  declar...(hic)...ations

Peggy Noonan Goes For A Walk, Stumbles, Hits Head, Writes Column Anyway

Mama really needs to get some air now, children.
Sometimes Peggy Noonan, long-suffering Mother Superior of the Order of the Nitrous Stupor, liked to take the air in Central Park. She would stroll along the Ramble and bring along some crusts of bread to feed the ducks at the lake. She might find a quiet bench to sit on, to watch the joggers and the cyclists and the mothers and nannies pushing baby carriages past on their endless constitutionals. She might look up at the grand buildings of Central Park West and imagine them all crumbling to dust in a holocaust of fire unleashed by Iranian nukes. The wind would howl along the avenues, destroying everything in its path. All those beautiful saloons and watering holes gone… Read more on Peggy Noonan Goes For A Walk, Stumbles, Hits Head, Writes Column Anyway…
  if ayatollah once ayatollah twice...

Wingnuts Thrilled With Iran Nuclear Deal, Have Nothing But Kind Words For Obama

Same, Beaker. Same.
On Thursday, the Prophet Obama (peace be upon him) won a great victory over the infidels. Or at least a framework for the final agreement of a great victory of the infidels. And the infidels were not pleased! Of course we’re talking about conservatives and the greater wingnuttgentsia, which took to Twitter and blogs and the airwaves to snark and howl like Ben Stiller when he got his dick stuck in his zipper. It was thoroughly entertaining. Here’s a small selection of the shitfit that will likely continue until Iran mercifully nukes America so we don’t have to listen to the conservatives whining about Iranian nukes anymore. Read more on Wingnuts Thrilled With Iran Nuclear Deal, Have Nothing But Kind Words For Obama…
  konspiracy korner

What Really Happened To Harry Reid? The Wingnut Theories Might Not Surprise You!

Time to retire, old man.
A friend of mine was in Las Vegas a week or two ago. He talked to a number of people there about Reid’s accident, and didn’t find anyone who believed the elastic exercise band story. The common assumption was that the incident resulted, in some fashion, from Reid’s relationship with organized crime. The principal rumor my friend heard was that Reid had promised to obtain some benefit for a group of mobsters. He met with them on New Year’s Day, and broke the bad news that he hadn’t been able to deliver what he promised. When the mobsters complained, Reid (according to the rumor) made a comment that they considered disrespectful, and one of them beat him up. – John Hinderaker, Powerline blog Read more on What Really Happened To Harry Reid? The Wingnut Theories Might Not Surprise You!…