Gary Legum

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Gary is a freelance writer. In addition to Wonkette, his byline has appeared at Salon, The Daily Beast and Alternet, among others. He currently splits his time between Connecticut and Virginia and is sure the 2016 election will kill him.

Another Thanksgiving had come and gone for Sister Peggy Noonan of the Order of the Absinthe Brain Fog, and she could not have been more grateful. At least what she could remember of it....

O grief! O agony! She had known a great deal of both in her time, had Sister Peggy Noonan of the Order of the Ketamine Martini. She wandered Fifth Avenue, the street of dreams...
The Clintons give Mama such a sad.

Today is Friday and for our sins the Good Lord hath seen fit to deliver unto us further maundering from the pen of Sister Margaret Ellen Noonan, blessed servant of the Order of Thorazine...

Normally she hated August, that dull end-of-summer month when the heat and humidity turned her beloved New York City into a sweltering abattoir of rancid piles of garbage and demolished dreams. When the light...
Don't badger me for more details.

Scott Walker has a busy first day in the office penciled in for January of 2017. First he’s going to rip up the multilateral deal on Iran’s nuclear program and bomb those Persian Muslin...
This debate had Miss Peggy giddy, GIDDY, WE TELL YOU!

He was not her usual bodega guy, the one who was already ringing up a new box of Mylanta the moment he saw her weaving her way across Third Avenue after a heavy night...
Media orientation session at the Kochs' confab.

This weekend Charles and David Koch (family motto: We’ve got all the money so shut up) gathered 450 of their closest and wealthiest friends for their annual political confab and power orgy. The good...
He's coming to take all your money, white man!

What racism is Orkoiyot Barack Hussein Wright Sharpton Obama perpetrating on the innocent white people of America now? Oh not much, just building out giant databases full of racial information to more easily facilitate...
We would suggest an art auction but your average veteran deserves more than $1.25.

George W. Bush sure figured out a nice scam to earn himself some income in his post-presidency retirement. First, as president, he sent thousands of Americans off to get maimed in war. Then, when...
Must be campaign season!

On Saturday some nice elderly grandmother managed to set off a media conniption fit by using a rope to keep reporters away from her while she marched in a New Hampshire Fourth of July...
Siddown. Shaddup.

Having burned all his bridges in New Jersey – those he didn’t shut down, anyway – Gov. Chris Christie today announced his escape plan: to run for the GOP nomination for president in 2016....
Perhaps this should be a crown of thorns for the beleagured soul.

Ginger-haired ass boil Chuck C. Johnson is in the news again, and thank god for some comic relief. Late last week, the chubby-cheeked leprechaun filed suit against Gawker and two of its writers, J.K....
On the scene with Wonkette!

Decrepit sewer vulture Donald Trump finally answered our years of prayers to the comedy gods by announcing he will run for president in 2016. The mogul-shaped puddle of feral rat spooge made the announcement...
Ah, democracy brings a tear to our eye. For all the wrong reasons.

Like our nephews’ t-ball league, the first Republican primary debate, scheduled for Aug. 6 in Cleveland and hosted by Fox News, is being turned into one of those “everyone gets a participation trophy” deals,...
Hm, I like the cut of this Kim guy's jib.

His most holy leader and unicorn god of North Korea Kim Jong-un has allegedly struck again with a creative execution of a high government official. Remember when you were a kid and you would...
Just a simple immigrant couple striving to achieve the American Dream.

Señor Jeb Bush was in Puerto Rico the other day to say hola to all his amigos and engage in a little pandering. Because Jeb Bush is married to a Mexican lady, so while...

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