March 8, 2014
What are these two future co-presidents of Walmerica talking about, high above the commoners at CPAC? Nothing that makes any sense, that is for sure! Also is there some sort of Behind the Music style sob story to explain why 1980s teen teevee heartthrob Kirk Cameron is now reduced to hanging out with a spoiled […]
Our libertarian-Bostonian correspondent is on the road in Florida, chasing the GOP clowns. Here is a video-photo dispatch from him! JACKSONVILLE — We always feel bad for the poor interns/work-study kids who get stuck holding those goofy signs in spin rooms after debates. Don’t their arms get tired? We asked one of the poor bastards […]
Oh look, it’s a Wasillagram from our favorite Paultard/Oil Spill correspondent, Mr. Garrett Quinn!
BP and the Coast Guard are reporting that the reverse-cowgirl-static-kill-butt-well-plug was successful and that only 25% of the oil spilled is still in the Gulf of Mexico. Time to pop the bubbly and eat some shrimp…oh wait, there’s no shrimp left? Damn. Um, how about some oysters…no oysters? Uh, let’s have crabs, yeah crabs. Oh […]
The static kill sex position procedure is slated to begin today, if it didn’t start last night while Doctor Jindal was sleeping. The process of shoving mud and shooting cement down the throat of the well may actually kill the well and nullify the need to use the relief wells. The engineers are concerned that […]
Remember the Islands of Doctor Jindal? Well it turns out that the future president of ‘Merica may be wrong after all. Washington elites Several scientists from local universities and aquatic research centers have signed letters and sent postcards saying he is an idiot who likes to wear fur coats while looking good on the teevee.
Our dear friend Tony Hayward is sailing off to Siberia on his shiny yacht now powered by a golden kiss-in-the mail worth a cool £600,000 a year with cases of caviar and bottles of bubbly (that’s $928,500 for those of you who speak American). What will Tony do with all his Ron Paul Gold? Perhaps […]
Deathstorm Bonnie is currently taking its talents to South Beach and raining and blowing really hard but not much else. Bonnie is a disorganized mess cut up by wind shear but that isn’t stopping her from wreaking all kinds of havoc: relief-well drilling and cleanup operations have been suspended until the storm passes. It has, […]
After losing strength over what’s left of Haiti, The Deathstorm hit open water, started gobbling steroids, and now has its eye set on breaking Hurricane Katrina’s home run record. The Deathstorm is currently named “III,” or “three” for those of you who aren’t subjects of the Roman Empire. Once it increases in strength and size […]
Just when you thought that everything was returning to normal in the Black Gulf (OMG IS THAT RACIST?!? PLEASE DON’T FIRE ME GREAT AND POWERFUL EDITOR KEN LAYNE!!11!! BREITBART CAN HAZ TEH VIDEOS!) there appears to be a tropical death-storm forming in the Caribbean Sea. Presently it has a 60% chance of forming into a […]
Now that the oil spill/disaster/catastrophe is finally over (?!), BP is looking into another option to seal the well called “static kill” or “bullheading.” Static Kill involves shooting heavy mud and ground-up chunks of Haley Barbour into the well. You can add these methods to “top hat,” “top kill,” and “junk shot” on the list […]
Seepage and “undetermined anomalies at the well head” are being reported during the extended test phase of this fancy new wondercap. There are no pictures of this legendary seepage but the mere mention of the word is reminding everyone of watching uncomfortable Depends commercials with their grandparents. The Coast Guard is going to let BP […]
Scantily clad Greenpeace and Earthjustice hippies are simultaneously covering themselves in chocolate and suing BP. Impressive. [New Orleans Times Picayune] The new contraption on the oil well is fixed again. It is ready to drink its milkshake until it breaks again. [Houston Chronicle/New York Times] Roving gangs of New Black Panthers and ACORNS vandalize BP […]