Author Archives: Evan Hurst

Full Name: Evan Hurst Website:
Info: Evan Hurst spends his days deflecting the sad glances of his black lab, Lula, who would please like him to stop typing letters to the internet and throw the squeaky chicken in the backyard instead. As a Noted Homosexual, Evan is obviously condemned and has nothing to lose at this point, so he spends his days as the Director of Social Media for Truth Wins Out, and lends a hand at the Wonkette in order to protect its gentle readers from the Homosexual Menace. Also, he writes songs and plays the piano, at the same time! Lastly, Evan is a Southern person, and thus is casting polite judgment on you, right now, for reading this. Bless your heart.
  Find a new job asshole

Mean ACLU Sues Teacher For Trying To Shame Atheist Child Into Heaven

You think you're Doing Unto Others? Really, bitch?
Get out your Teacher Of The Year ballots, we have a nominee to present! Meet Michelle Meyer, who teaches at a public school, Forest Park Elementary in Fort Wayne, Indiana. Her ass is getting sued by the ACLU, and here is why. One day, during recess, a 7-year-old boy named “A.B.” (his name is withheld in the lawsuit) was talking to a classmate, and according to the suit, she asked A.B. if he went to church. He said no, and also he doesn’t believe in God, and this made her cry, probably because, WE ARE GUESSING, her parents are fundamentalist Christian fucks, and she’s a young girl who hasn’t seen enough of the world to know that her parents are raising her to be a holier-than-thou dick. Not her fault. Read more on Mean ACLU Sues Teacher For Trying To Shame Atheist Child Into Heaven…
  Sometimes tears are funny

Mormon Dad Forgot To Teach Son To Hate Gays, Will Never Get His Own Planet Now

Girl that church has been gay forever.
Hey Wonk liberals, let’s listen to the NPR together while we drink our vegan kale lattes, shall we? Ooh, here is an NPR radio program about the Boy Scouts organization ending its ban on openly gay scout leaders. Is there a Mormon dad very upset about this, due to how the Church Of Jesus Christ Of Latter-Day Saints basically bought the Scouts a long time ago, and everything’s ruined now? There sure is! His name is Quin Monson, he teaches political science at Brigham Young University, and his son is a Boy Scout. Mr. Monson used to be one too! Let’s talk to him in our NPR drone voice about his feelings: Read more on Mormon Dad Forgot To Teach Son To Hate Gays, Will Never Get His Own Planet Now…
  Allegedly we guess

Dickbag Texas A.G. Indicted For Doing Bad Crimes, Being Dickbag

Remember how excited we all got in July, when we found out that gay-hating asshole Texas A.G. Ken Paxton might be a great big crimer and get indicted and have to go to jail and sell his white collar butthole to other white collar inmates for cigarettes and stuff? The day has come, at least for the indictment, all gathered here together rejoice! Read more on Dickbag Texas A.G. Indicted For Doing Bad Crimes, Being Dickbag…
  Loser! Loser! Loser!

White House LOLs At Sen. Tom Cotton For Being Dumb Dork Austin Powers Wannabe

I AM THE DUMMEST AND I BREATHE OUT OF MY MOUTH
Sen. Tom Cotton of Arkansas is a No Pants, Grade-A Twat-sicle, and the White House knows it. He THINKS he went to Vienna and did a top secret investigation to uncover all kinds of shady side deals Obama did with Iran, like maybe he promised the Iranians could bomb one American city per year, as long as it’s a little bomb and not a nuke. Of course, Ambassador Susan Rice had already explained to young Cotton that the side deals are not a secret, and that if he will just stop playing with his winkie in front of the class and sit still, he will get to go to the big boy congressional briefing, where they will tell him ALL about it. But that’s not good enough for Cotton, because on top of not knowing his place, he’s so dumb you could store all your dildos inside his skull cavity and still have room for TruckNutz. Read more on White House LOLs At Sen. Tom Cotton For Being Dumb Dork Austin Powers Wannabe…
  let's gossip about the week's top stories

Sass-Mouth Barack Obama Sasses The Republicans, Sassily. Your Weekly Top Ten.

I laugh at you idiots! So much!
Hey Wonkers! It is Sunday, and whew, what a week we had! Your Wonkette got lost (broken because bad server was bad), but then was found (fixed with a shiny new server!), was blind but now it sees! And you all made that possible! If you have not had a chance, please read our heartfelt THANK YOU for all the moneys you gave us to help us in our time of need. Read more on Sass-Mouth Barack Obama Sasses The Republicans, Sassily. Your Weekly Top Ten….
  None of these are actually legal :(

Here Are 9 More Things For Steve King To Gay-Marry After He Divorces His Lawnmower

Be honest, you're looking at his piece of equipment. His LAWNMOWING equipment.
Rep. Steve King is a glorious fucking numbskull, and he’s willing to prove it on the daily, if that’s what it takes. Having failed to stop the Supreme Court from throat-cramming America with marriage of the EW GAY kind, he must continue to warn America what dark days lie ahead, now that two men or two women can become so gay for one another that they decide to file taxes jointly, ’til death do they part. And what do those dark days look like? Matt Taibbi reported that King, introducing Mike Huckabee in Iowa Thursday, explained that marriage equality means “you can marry my lawnmower.” OH REALLY? Read more on Here Are 9 More Things For Steve King To Gay-Marry After He Divorces His Lawnmower…
  tits on the brain

Mike Huckabee Worried All The Military Ladies Will Want Fancy New Sex Boobies Now

Gonna talk about the female anatomy now.
Mike Huckabee took some time out from smuggling the Jews off Barack Obama’s Iranian Auschwitz train this week to make some more weird comments about boobies. He’s worried that if transgenders get to be in the military and go into battle for our fine nation, then the ladies in the military will be like “UNFAIR, I want a boob job, where’s my boob job?” Because that is a thing all women do, when confronted with the reality of the transgender experience. Here are Huckabee’s mouth words: Read more on Mike Huckabee Worried All The Military Ladies Will Want Fancy New Sex Boobies Now…
  Christian martyrs

Gay-Hating Oregon Bakers Real Tired Of Getting Concentration Camped By Hitler

Ready for another dumb Hitler analogy, because this is the week where we do those? Let’s get reacquainted with Aaron and Melissa Klein, who decided to be martyrs just like Jesus, by refusing to make a cake for a lesbian wedding. Then they lost their bakery, because they are twats, and then Satan personally attacked them by canceling their GoFundMe, which they planned to use to pay the fine they owed the state of Oregon, for the crime of being twats. This was obviously more persecution, because it says right there in the book of Romans that all good Christians are entitled to a GoFundMe. Read more on Gay-Hating Oregon Bakers Real Tired Of Getting Concentration Camped By Hitler…
  Here a Hitler there a Hitler

Verified Jew Person Sarah Silverman Is Biggest Hitler Since Barack Obama

Not what she said exactly but whatever!
So many Hitlers in the news this week, so little time! Barack Obama is doing Hitler stuff by making a deal with Iran to try to keep them from getting a bomb, which is very different from Republicans’ request of can we please just bomb that Muzzie country what scares us so much, and probably set off World War Three in doing so? Either you’re down with that plan or you’re totally Hitler. And now Sarah Silverman, a Twitter-verified Jewish, is one-upping Obama’s Hitler-ness by saying that Planned Parenthood is okay and doesn’t actually sell baby parts, even though it’s obvious that it sells so many baby parts. Coming soon to a mall near you! The Planned Parenthood Baby Parts Store! Right between Claire’s and Wet Seal!  (They do not sell baby parts, and if you believe that you are a fucking dumbshit.) Read more on Verified Jew Person Sarah Silverman Is Biggest Hitler Since Barack Obama…
  Surprise nobody wins!

Rick Perry And Donald Trump Both Have A Boy Penis, But Which One Is The Biggest???

Oh, different kind of pull-ups, sorry.
The “feud” between “presidential candidates” Donald Trump and Rick Perry continues apace, but who will win the Golden Trophy, a prize that entitles the winner to telling their grandkids their dick is bigger than this one guy’s, but he’s still not president of a country? To recap: Perry said Trump is bad for being mean to John McCain, Trump said Perry is a stupid, and Perry said, “Do you fuck your mother with that mouth?” And on and on and on, these dildo-breathed losers need to shut up, is what they need to do. Read more on Rick Perry And Donald Trump Both Have A Boy Penis, But Which One Is The Biggest???…
  Yep he's just trolling now

Donald Trump Knows Climate Change Is Just Classy, Luxurious Version Of Weather

The effects of climate change, weather, whatever you want to call it.
Donald Trump would build a YOOOOOOOGE fence around climate change, if it even existed: “The real climate change is going to be nuclear climate change if we’re not smart and tough and very, very careful because that’s a big danger and that’s a real danger,” Trump said. “I think Obama just said that the biggest threat that we have on the planet today is climate change, and a lot of people are saying, did he really say that? We have people chopping off heads and he’s talking about climate change. I call it weather. I call it weather. You know, the weather changes.” Read more on Donald Trump Knows Climate Change Is Just Classy, Luxurious Version Of Weather…
  Hide yr dergs!

Oh No, Barack Obama Is Going To Do The Puppy Holocaust Now, For Allah!

DON'T BELIEVE HIM BO.
You know that thing during the Super Bowl, where there is the Puppy Bowl for all the girls and homosexuals who are only there for the spiked punch? And know how, as per Mike Huckabee, Obama is doing the REAL HOLOCAUST to Israel, by making a deal to keep Iran nuke-free? Well, apparently Obama’s got time for a puppy Holocaust for Allah, during the commercial breaks of the real Holocaust, according to wingnut radio host Michael Savage, who we actually didn’t know still existed: Read more on Oh No, Barack Obama Is Going To Do The Puppy Holocaust Now, For Allah!…
  he WOULD say that

Obama Could Be President For Life, But He Doesn’t Want To. OR DOES HE?

WHATCHA THINKIN' ABOUT, BARRY HUSSEIN OBUMMER?
President Obama told the African Union that he’s badass and he could win a third term as president of US America, but he doesn’t want to. Because why? Because he wants to be president of Africa, where he was born from Saul Alinsky’s vagina! No just kidding. Presidenting is HARD, and when you’re a Former President of US America, your entire life is blowjobs and candy canes and sneaking cigarettes when mean Michelle isn’t looking and oh also, you are rich: Read more on Obama Could Be President For Life, But He Doesn’t Want To. OR DOES HE?…
  Mad about another thing

Here, Rage At This Dickhead American Dentist Who Murders Beautiful African Lions For Fun

Hi, I'm Cecil. A bad American man killed me. Please have Sarah McLachlan to do commercial and end this.
Didn’t we just say recently that we are not against hunting? We did say that, and it is still true, but let us clarify real fast. It’s one thing to hunt in that real Native American way, where you use the whole animal and you respect that it gave its life to feed, nourish, clothe you and whatever else. It’s even one thing to be a redneck from Mississippi (hey y’all) and go out early in the morning and kill a deer, as long as you bring us deer meat or invite us over for deer chili. But it is a whole different goddamn thing to be a piece of trash American who travels across the globe to find new, exotic animals to murder, for no reason nobler than the fact that you really have a hard-on for murdering animals, you sick fuck. Introduce yourself to Walter Palmer of Minnesota: Read more on Here, Rage At This Dickhead American Dentist Who Murders Beautiful African Lions For Fun…
  Here let me yell at you

Boy Scouts Gay Now, Mormons’ Magic Underpanties All In A Wad

Finally legal
Hurray, the Boy Scouts of America have finally ended years of bigotry — sort of — by lifting the ban on gay adult scout leaders. We say “sort of” because individual church-led chapters still have the authority to decide they don’t wanna play by the rules and can instead continue being small-minded childish bigots, like they were promised by Jesus in the Bible. This came after former Defense Secretary and current BSA president Robert Gates explained how it was just fine for scout leaders to be gay, despite the fact that the very thought of that makes wingnuts like Bryan Fischer quiver in their fearful loin parts about how this is going to immediately lead to a buttsex infestation in an otherwise Christian organization. Read more on Boy Scouts Gay Now, Mormons’ Magic Underpanties All In A Wad…
  Sad stories

Fox News Lady Idiots Sick Of Being Tyrannied By Minorities All The Time

Boom, right?
If it is a day, you can be certain that there is a really stupid discussion happening on the Fox News network. Sometimes it is about Sharks Is Confusing, sometimes it’s about how it’s NO FAIR that some people get to say the N-word and others don’t. This time it happened on the “Outnumbered” program, and revolved around this story, of a redneck Missouri sheriff who just can’t understand why anybody would be offended by him sticking “In God We Trust” decals all over police cars, or how that’s kind of a separation of church and state issue. Read more on Fox News Lady Idiots Sick Of Being Tyrannied By Minorities All The Time…