There are two kinds of “gay conservatives.” There are the ones who really aren’t all that political, but they have really white skin and really big bank accounts and they value their privilege far more than they care about any sort of “little people” cause like, you know, basic civil rights. They vote for Republicans, […]

Guns don’t kill penises, people kill penises: A security guard is hospitalized in the city of San Fernando in the Republic of Trinidad and Tobago after accidentally discharging his weapon and shooting off his penis. According to the Trinidad and Tobago Guardian, the unnamed 33-year-old man was carrying a .38 caliber handgun in his pocket […]

Since we just wrapped up our annual war on Jesus’s Pretend Birthday, people might be thinking: “Well, then, when is Satan’s birthday?” and “I should at least send a card, don’t you think?” Well, here is the answer to that question, via Joseph Sciambra, an “ex-gay” who used to do the porn: every time a […]

When you were born, there was always something different about you. When you were little, you were interested in “girl things” like Barbie Dolls and learning. When you were in high school and all the other boys were doing splashy-splashy in the pool with the girls, you were staying in the water getting a boner […]

In all seriousness, Wonkette people, today has been awful when it comes to The News. America’s every-other-day massacre was particularly horrible and heartwrenching today, as news came out that twenty-seven people, mostly kids, were gunned down in an elementary school in Connecticut. Gun rights enthusiasts are, of course, screaming TOO SOON and THE BODIES ARE […]

Have any of our Wonkette readers ever been to a Foreign Country? Haha, oh my heck, no, of course not! All Godjesus-worshipping Americans know that all other countries are full of squalor and general brown-ness and should only be visited for the purposes of converting their heathen denizens to the one true religion of American […]

As we at Wonkette are obviously a pro-family, conservative Christian news establishment, we long for the days when Americans of all stripes could come together to show our mutual disdain for the Homosexican Agenda, but now that ‘Murka has gone and voted for the black guy again, our coalition is broken and fractured, to the […]

Do you guys remember the good old days? Things were so much simpler then, when we could identify the homosexualista menaces in our midst, at which point the wind would start to a-blowin’ on account of “come a cloud!” and we could tie all those things together in order to fulfill the holy wrath of […]

Your Wonkette reporter of homosexuals is very sad to report that Republican presidential candidate and famous Congresslady Michele Bachmann’s silver-maned heterosexual dreamboat needs some cash. $150, to be exact. No, it is not for a beautiful new wig or one of those special fake-booby things that drag queens wear! Stop being silly, everyone. It’s just […]

Hello, everyone, it’s your Reporter of the Homosexuals, risen from the ashes like the phoenix once again, here to bring you glad tidings of icky gayness and Rick Santorum. It’s getting hard out there for a bigot, it is, as pretty much every euphemistic argument they’ve come up with in order to avoid clutching their […]

Well, well, well, you say, look who’s rolling up into the Wonkette like he never left!  That is right, it is your Reporter of the Homosexual Menace, who has been frankly quite busy lately with his full-time gig at another pro-America website. But he is here to gloat about his organization condemn the activities of […]

When GOProud, the only American group catering to the feelings of wingnut butt goblins, announced that they were going to have a big “HomoCon” party this past weekend, the Internet said “whatever” and went back to fantasizing about Justin Bieber.  When it was announced that the expired entertainer known as “Ann Coulter” would be headlining, […]

Your Wonkette reporter of The Homosexuals is back bearing good news, or as they like to call it in church, “a new gospel”: All of the world’s lesbians have been fully repented for! This happened last week, in Sacramento, at a big Jesus party thrown by My Boyfriend Lou Engle. Though he has failed utterly in […]

Rumors about former RNC chair Ken Mehlman’s Complete Gayness have been swirling around for years and years.  Mike Rogers outed him several years back, as part of his campaign to rid the political world of homosexuals who cynically use the rest of the gay community as bait in order to convince rubes, yahoos, bumpkins and […]

Did everybody hear about the big shame-party that the homosexual conservatives are throwing in New York City for Ann Coulter?  If this news missed you, worry not, for there likely will be tickets available until several weeks after the event. But let’s catch up.  This group is not kidding when they call themselves “GOProud” — […]