Author Archives: Evan Hurst

Full Name: Evan Hurst Website:
Info: Evan Hurst spends his days deflecting the sad glances of his black lab, Lula, who would please like him to stop typing letters to the internet and throw the squeaky chicken in the backyard instead. As a Noted Homosexual, Evan is obviously condemned and has nothing to lose at this point, so he spends his days as the Director of Social Media for Truth Wins Out, and lends a hand at the Wonkette in order to protect its gentle readers from the Homosexual Menace. Also, he writes songs and plays the piano, at the same time! Lastly, Evan is a Southern person, and thus is casting polite judgment on you, right now, for reading this. Bless your heart.
  THE PERSECUTION HAS BEGUNNETH!!!!

Kim Davis Is In Jail, And Wingnuts Are Jizz-Crapping Their Pull-Ups In RAGE!

Kim Davis, RIGHT NOW.
Kim Davis, RIGHT NOW. CRU-CI-FY! CRU-CI-FY! CRU-CI-FY! Oh, we are just joshing, nobody wants Kim Davis crucified. (OR DO WE?) Wingnuts, though? Remember that time they lost their whole country in the span of a week, because gay marriage was legalized and the Confederate flag came down? Well, they’ve lost it again! NO COUNTRY FOR STUPID WINGNUTS, that’s what we like to say. And they are good and damn sure that a judge putting Kentucky clerk Kim Davis in jail for failing to do HER EFFING JOB is just the beginning of the persecution and the Holocaust and getting ISIS-ed right in their fundamentalist Christian shame buttholes. Because this is the sad thing about wingnuts: They think we care about them enough to actively persecute them. Awwww. The sad truth is that decent Americans are more than happy to abide these dumbasses in our midst, for entertainment purposes mostly, as long as they follow the law. How simple is that? Read more on Kim Davis Is In Jail, And Wingnuts Are Jizz-Crapping Their Pull-Ups In RAGE!…
  The roundup to end all roundups

Which Republican Candidate Can Lick That Kentucky Clerk Lady’s Knob Best?

LINE UP, BOYS!
LINE UP, BOYS! Kentucky county clerk Kim Davis, she is the “it” topic in our political conversation right now! Is she a dumb hick lady who thinks her loving God will roast her in hell for all eterntity, on a pyre made of her own jumpers, for signing a gay marriage license? Yes! Is the Liberty Counsel using her as its pawn in a culture war it’s already lost? Ayup! Did she do so much adultery before she gave her heart to Jesus, it’ll make your head spin trying to figure out which husbands she was fuckin’ at any given time in her life or who her baby daddy is? Bingo! Despite all this, is she a great American religious freedom fighter hero? Some Republican presidential candidates sure think so! Read more on Which Republican Candidate Can Lick That Kentucky Clerk Lady’s Knob Best?…
  rude

Mean Obama Regime Now Making Short-People Jokes About Alaska’s Favoritest Mountain

Wuss Mountain, more like.
Wuss Mountain, more like. Will Obama stop at NOTHING? First, like a common dictator, he changed the name of America’s tallest mountain to some funny foreign Alaskan word “Denali,” just because that’s what the Alaskans always called it anyway, and despite the fact that the change made a solid HANDFUL of Ohio Republican politicians cry. Then he dared to travel all the way to Alaska, to rub it in everybody’s face (and by “it,” we mean his dick), even though Alaskan Junior Captain Dumbass-in-training Bristol Palin TOLD him not to come. And then, to make sure all the Republicans spend the rest of the week weeping into their dirty Fleshlights, he said “climate change” a bunch of times, like such a thing even exists. Read more on Mean Obama Regime Now Making Short-People Jokes About Alaska’s Favoritest Mountain…
  A noun a verb and Hewlett-Packard

Carly Fiorina Gets Lady Quota Affirmative Actioned Into Next Republican Debate

It's not because she's a woman, everybody just wants to see the demon sheep again.
It’s not because she’s a woman, it’s because of that Demon Sheep look in her eyes. Remember how Carly Fiorina has been complaining all the time, like every day, except for how she is SO NOT COMPLAINING (she’s been complaining), that CNN has some sort of lame “rules” about who gets to stand under Donald Trump’s armpits at the next debate? Well, all that complaining has paid off, because CNN decided to change the rules, JUST FOR HER, AWWWWWWW: Read more on Carly Fiorina Gets Lady Quota Affirmative Actioned Into Next Republican Debate…
  Hide your kids etc.

Josh Duggar May Be On The Lam From Sex Rehab, Suspect Considered Horny And Gross

Suspect tends to have a visible erection at all times.
Suspect tends to have a visible erection at all times. UH OH, they’ve LOST him. So we reported last week that whore-creeper former “family values” advocate Josh Duggar had gone to a “rehab center” in Rockford, Illinois, where he would learn (again) how to Lean In toward Jesus and Lean Away from vaginas what belong to porn stars, Ashley Madison robots, and other ladies what are not his wife. That rehab place is called Reformers Unanimous, and surprise, it’s weird and creepy and screwed up, in the conservative Christian way. Journalist Shane Nicholson of the Rock River Times in Rockford confirmed to Gawker that yes, J-Dug was at the Reformers Unanimous place, getting the kind of treatment only a fundamentalist Christian asshole would seek out. (You know, the kind where they replace all real therapy with Bible study.) Read more on Josh Duggar May Be On The Lam From Sex Rehab, Suspect Considered Horny And Gross…
  Everybody gets the pre-crucifixion jitters

Harlot Kentucky Clerk To Be Sentenced By Pontius Pilate Thursday

Kim Davis, this Friday.
Kim Davis, this coming Friday. And lo it shall come to pass that on Thursday, the third of the month of September, that Kim Davis, clerk of Rowan County, Kentucky, will be taken before the high priest, and all the chief priests, the elders and the teachers of Kentucky and U.S. American law. The chief priests and the whole Sanhedrin will seek evidence against Davis so that they may put her to death, but they will not find any, because the United States doesn’t put people to death for being a dirty adulteress (SUCH DIRTY, SO ADULTERESS, KEEP READING). Instead they’ll probably just find her in contempt of court for refusing to do her job for Bigot Reasons. Read more on Harlot Kentucky Clerk To Be Sentenced By Pontius Pilate Thursday…
  The ONE time we expected a Palin to say something halfway smart and this happens

Sarah Palin, It’s Time To Have The ‘Denali’ Talk With Your Dumbass Daughter Bristol

Mommy is here to teach you about mountains, Bristol.
Mommy is here to teach you about mountains, Bristol. FUCKING HELL, this is getting ridiculous. Monday, we reported how Barack Obama went behind the backs of Jesus, the Statue of Liberty, Allah and Ohio Republicans by designating the tallest mountain in North America, located in Alaska, as “Denali,” a name it has ALWAYS HAD. It was only called Mt. McKinley there for a little while because this one time a prospector called it that, in the 19th century, because William McKinley was running for president, and he figured “Hey why not?” In 1975, Alaska officially did ISIS to the “McKinley” name, but the federal government didn’t catch up until the other day. Read more on Sarah Palin, It’s Time To Have The ‘Denali’ Talk With Your Dumbass Daughter Bristol…
  S-M-R-T

Let’s Watch Donald Trump And Mike Huckabee Jizz All Over America’s Tallest Mountain

Jesus says Donald Trump and Mike Huckabee are equally stupid.
Jesus says Donald Trump and Mike Huckabee are equally stupid. Oh look, it is Republican presidential candidates making a mountain out of … oh, this time they are making a mountain out of a mountain! Except they shouldn’t be making one fucking word about Obama restoring the name “Denali” to our nation’s tallest peak, because they are stupid, and it’s none of their fucking business what Alaskans want to call that big-ass mountain. (“Denali.” They want to call it “Denali.” Because that’s what they’ve always called it.) Read more on Let’s Watch Donald Trump And Mike Huckabee Jizz All Over America’s Tallest Mountain…
  These folks look different without their white hoods

Alabama Secessionist Rally Was Hilarious Failure. Please Point And Laugh

Seems appropriate for this post.
If you woke up this morning thinking, “Golly gee, I sure do hope Alabama’s secessionist movement is going well, because fuck them is why,” BAD NEWS. There was a rally in the state capital of Montgomery, and NOBODY SHOWED UP. Okay fine, a FEW people showed up, but it was like the organizers and their moms: Read more on Alabama Secessionist Rally Was Hilarious Failure. Please Point And Laugh…
  Blessed are the derp

Loser Kentucky Clerk’s 15 Minutes Of Martyrdom Just About Up

Nope, that is not what martyrs look like. Martyrs have swords or something, we think.
Nope, that is not what martyrs look like. Martyrs have swords or something, we think. At the end of the day Monday, the Supreme Court signed execution papers issued a zero-sentence ruling, denying Kentucky county clerk Kim Davis’s emergency appeal to PLEASE, don’t make her do marriage licenses for gays. Justice Elena Kagan could have added “eat dirt, lady,” but it was implied. And so Tuesday morning was her last stand, really. Would her piddly-ass brain suddenly finish maturing enough to let her make the adult decision to do her fucking job, or would she jump up on the world’s lamest cross and beg her God to make her the world’s stupidest martyr? She chose the latter. The AP has been live-blogging the events as they unfold: Read more on Loser Kentucky Clerk’s 15 Minutes Of Martyrdom Just About Up…
  You Oughta Know That Yr Wrong

Angry Feminist Angry Angry Feminist Isn’t Angry Feminist Enough

You know every word, do not lie.
Okay, we are going to say DISCLAIMER ALERT and TRIGGER WARNING, because we are about to write about how a thing written by a person who has ALWAYS been personally very nice to us is Wrong About A Thing.* We trust that she and we are both grown-up enough to have an intellectual discussion without it degenerating into FISTICUFFS. So, without further ado: Read more on Angry Feminist Angry Angry Feminist Isn’t Angry Feminist Enough…
  tortured logic

Texas Republican Wishes Americans All Looked The Same, Like The Orientals

Yes, yes it is.
Yes, yes it is. Here’s a new twist, a fun and exciting way for a Republican to lay blame for gun violence on something, ANYTHING, that isn’t spelled G-U-N-S. This time it’s Texas Rep. Pete Sessions, who is NOT, science fact, the same person as Alabama Sen. Jeff Sessions. Maybe they’re sisters! Anyway, why do we have so much gun violence, Rep. Sessions? Oh, it’s diversity, you say? Huh, WTF? Sessions attempted to explain it to radio host Chris Salcedo: Read more on Texas Republican Wishes Americans All Looked The Same, Like The Orientals…
  Mad About A Thing

NRA Dude Hopes Virginia Shooting Victims’ Parents Won’t Be Total Pussies About This

He's weeping, and also telling the NRA to go fuck itself with a rusty dildo.
He’s weeping, and also telling the NRA to go fuck itself with a rusty dildo. After last week’s horrific on-air murder of TV journalists Alison Parker and Adam Ward, many people immediately braced themselves for exactly what disgusting thing the NRA would have to say. At first, there were mostly tumbleweeds, but as the NRA is perhaps the most evil institution in all of America, it was only a matter of time! Here’s a disgusting, soulless, stomach-churning response from the NRA’s Colion Noir, who Media Matters reports is part of the NRA’s new campaign to make the organization look cool and hip and “Kids These Days,” as opposed to what it really is — a group of paranoid pants-shitting twats who really, truly don’t cry when your child dies. Read more on NRA Dude Hopes Virginia Shooting Victims’ Parents Won’t Be Total Pussies About This…
  Ohio Republicans Mad About A Thing

Tyrant Obama Stealing America’s Mountains Now, Giving Them Yucky Foreign Names

Wuss Mountain, more like.
Surprised he didn’t rename it Hope The Terrorists Win Mountain. Emperor Obama has issued another fatwa, and this time it is about how it’s no longer okay for North America’s highest peak, which is located right in the middle of Ohio in Alaska, to be named after President William McKinley, but rather, it should be given a funny foreign Alaskan name, “Denali.” This is obvious government overreach, as all mountains got their names directly from Jesus, when they were formed, and He wanted this one to be named after a U.S. president. You have questions, we have answers. Read more on Tyrant Obama Stealing America’s Mountains Now, Giving Them Yucky Foreign Names…
  LOL OOPS

Kentucky Clerk Lady Already Going To Hell

The ones who led Kim Davis into sin
Oh, Kim Davis, clerk of Rowan County, Kentucky, all your fighting has been for naught! Your constant refusals to do marriage licenses for same-sex couples, even though the Supreme Court ruled for marriage equality and a federal judge and your governor have both TOLD YOU to do your fucking job? Wasted. Your pathetic attempts to appeal to higher courts, based on bad advice you’ve gotten from bad lawyers at the Liberty Counsel? Well, those were already dumb, since the 6th Circuit told you to get bent, and now you’re appealing to the Supreme Court, which will also tell you to get bent. But even if you somehow were to win, you have ALREADY violated your Sincerely Held Religious Beliefs, without your knowledge, and according to what you probably believe, this means that your loving savior Jesus Christ will roast you in the fires of hell for all eternity, and why? Read more on Kentucky Clerk Lady Already Going To Hell…
  let's gossip about the week's top stories

Josh Duggar Can’t Read This Post Because He’s In Jesus Jail. Your Weekly Top Ten.

Sex bus.
Sex bus. Hey Wonkers, how is your Sunday? Just kidding, don’t care, let’s talk about ourselves. So last week there was, yet again, horrible, unspeakable tragedy, as two journalists were killed on air by a gunman with, surprise, a gun, and a lot of your top ten stories this week were about that. Also, Josh Duggar did some gnarly shit to a porn star and now he’s in the Jesus Sex Pokey for Grosses. So that’s in your top ten too. Weird week! Read more on Josh Duggar Can’t Read This Post Because He’s In Jesus Jail. Your Weekly Top Ten….