Evan Hurst
Evan Hurst spends his days deflecting the sad glances of his black lab, Lula, who would please like him to stop typing letters to the internet and throw the squeaky chicken in the backyard instead. As a Noted Homosexual, Evan is obviously condemned and has nothing to lose at this point, so he spends his days as the Director of Social Media for Truth Wins Out, and lends a hand at the Wonkette in order to protect its gentle readers from the Homosexual Menace. Also, he writes songs and plays the piano, at the same time! Lastly, Evan is a Southern person, and thus is casting polite judgment on you, right now, for reading this. Bless your heart.
Homosexual Wingnut Wants Lindsey Graham’s Seat
There are two kinds of “gay conservatives.” There are the ones who really aren’t all that political, but they have really white skin and really big bank accounts and they value their privilege far more than they care about any sort of “little people” cause like, you know, basic civil rights. They vote for Republicans, [...]
If Guns Are Outlawed, Only Outlaws Will Shoot Their Own Peckers Off
Guns don’t kill penises, people kill penises: A security guard is hospitalized in the city of San Fernando in the Republic of Trinidad and Tobago after accidentally discharging his weapon and shooting off his penis. According to the Trinidad and Tobago Guardian, the unnamed 33-year-old man was carrying a .38 caliber handgun in his pocket [...]
Whatcha Doing, Gays? Oh, Just Giving Birth To Satan Out Of Your Butts? Carry On!
Since we just wrapped up our annual war on Jesus’s Pretend Birthday, people might be thinking: “Well, then, when is Satan’s birthday?” and “I should at least send a card, don’t you think?” Well, here is the answer to that question, via Joseph Sciambra, an “ex-gay” who used to do the porn: every time a [...]
You Are Not Gay Anymore, Thanks To Horse-Fondling School
When you were born, there was always something different about you. When you were little, you were interested in “girl things” like Barbie Dolls and learning. When you were in high school and all the other boys were doing splashy-splashy in the pool with the girls, you were staying in the water getting a boner [...]
Let’s Decompress With A Sweet Story About A Mini-Donkey And The Boy Who Loves Her
In all seriousness, Wonkette people, today has been awful when it comes to The News. America’s every-other-day massacre was particularly horrible and heartwrenching today, as news came out that twenty-seven people, mostly kids, were gunned down in an elementary school in Connecticut. Gun rights enthusiasts are, of course, screaming TOO SOON and THE BODIES ARE [...]
Wingnuts Hold Anti-Gay Jeebus Conference In Magical Eastern Mexican Land of ‘Spain’
Have any of our Wonkette readers ever been to a Foreign Country? Haha, oh my heck, no, of course not! All Godjesus-worshipping Americans know that all other countries are full of squalor and general brown-ness and should only be visited for the purposes of converting their heathen denizens to the one true religion of American [...]
Wingnuts Can’t Even Agree On Best Way To Hate Fags Anymore
As we at Wonkette are obviously a pro-family, conservative Christian news establishment, we long for the days when Americans of all stripes could come together to show our mutual disdain for the Homosexican Agenda, but now that ‘Murka has gone and voted for the black guy again, our coalition is broken and fractured, to the [...]
God Too Lazy To Destroy New Orleans Homosexualistas A Second Time
Do you guys remember the good old days? Things were so much simpler then, when we could identify the homosexualista menaces in our midst, at which point the wind would start to a-blowin’ on account of “come a cloud!” and we could tie all those things together in order to fulfill the holy wrath of [...]
Marcus Bachmann Asks Gay Guy to Pay For Services Not Performed
Your Wonkette reporter of homosexuals is very sad to report that Republican presidential candidate and famous Congresslady Michele Bachmann’s silver-maned heterosexual dreamboat needs some cash. $150, to be exact. No, it is not for a beautiful new wig or one of those special fake-booby things that drag queens wear! Stop being silly, everyone. It’s just [...]
Jeebus Lady Cindy Jacobs Repents For All Lesbians, Cleanses Craigslist
Your Wonkette reporter of The Homosexuals is back bearing good news, or as they like to call it in church, “a new gospel”: All of the world’s lesbians have been fully repented for! This happened last week, in Sacramento, at a big Jesus party thrown by My Boyfriend Lou Engle. Though he has failed utterly in [...]
Ken Mehlman’s Official Gay Coming-Out Party Happening Now!
Rumors about former RNC chair Ken Mehlman’s Complete Gayness have been swirling around for years and years. Mike Rogers outed him several years back, as part of his campaign to rid the political world of homosexuals who cynically use the rest of the gay community as bait in order to convince rubes, yahoos, bumpkins and [...]
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