Author Archives: Doktor Zoom

Full Name: Doktor Zoom Website:
Info: Doktor Zoom Is the pseudonym of Marty Kelley, who lives in Boise, Idaho. He acquired his nym from a fan of Silver-Age comics after being differently punctual to too many meetings. He is not a medical doctor, although he has a real PhD (in Rhetoric and Composition).
  It's like 'We Are The World' Without Singing

No F*cking War With Iran, Says Everyone Including Morgan Freeman And Your Mom

Listen to your science fiction president, America
Here is a fun little ad about how to not do war with Iran. We really like it! It features Morgan Freeman, Jack Black, Queen Noor, a lady from that Oranges In Prison show, and the guy from that one movie where Ben Affleck saved America, plus an actual spy (Shhh! It’s Valerie Plame!) and a real ambassador guy who was never in a movie. Put together by an outfit called Global Zero, which has the utopian goal of eliminating nuclear weapons — surely as impossible a dream as ending the Cold War — the ad spoofs the alarmism of the crowd opposing the Iran nuclear deal, and soberly reminds us that the real risk isn’t that we’ll all get zapped by Iranian nukes, but that we’ll end up in another goddamned Forever War in the Middle East. It works! Read more on No F*cking War With Iran, Says Everyone Including Morgan Freeman And Your Mom…
  Actually Most Mad Scientists Are Just Engineers

Hillary Clinton Whips Out Her Big Science Brain To Make Republicans Jealous

Science: It's hard.
Here’s Hillary Clinton’s new campaign ad, a pleasant if not incredibly edgy Old-Horror-Movie smack at all the Republicans who are simultaneously not scientists but 103 percent sure there’s no such thing as Global Warming. Wisely, the gothic horror subtitles are kept to a minimum, giving the not-scientists plenty of time to say dumb things so we can yell at the screen, “No, you’re wrong! That’s not right at all! You are a stupid, stupid person to think that!” And it closes with a web address for Clinton’s email sign-up page, although it takes a couple more clicks to actually reach her detailed policy goals on renewable energy. She takes the radical position that climate change is real, when any fool knows she should be telling women to get married and have babies for a better America. Read more on Hillary Clinton Whips Out Her Big Science Brain To Make Republicans Jealous…
  But What About Marching Babies To The Oven Door?

Ben Carson Says Racist Obama Genociding All The Blacks

No real reason for including Raptor Jesus here. We just like Raptor Jesus better than Ben Carson.
Ben Carson took his turn to swing the Idiot Stick at that fake story about Planned Parenthood running a Fetus-Parts Thrift Shop. Not only did he repeat the usual nonsense about how terrible it is that Planned Parenthood is forcing women to have a legal surgical procedure they can’t possibly want — what woman could ever want an abortion? — he also added an Extra Bonus Lie: Barack Obama, Hillary Clinton, Planned Parenthood, and for all we know, the San Francisco Gay Men’s Chorus are all in on a massive conspiracy to “eliminate black people,” just as Margaret Sanger planned from the start. Read more on Ben Carson Says Racist Obama Genociding All The Blacks…
  Ivana Was Thinking Of Some Mexican Probably

Donald Trump Never Raped His Wife And Even If He Did It Was Classy

Now you can have an authentic Donald Trump experience in your own home
Not that it’s likely to cause even the least hiccup in his campaign prospects, but here’s a whole new Donald Trump mess that’s actually old: the Daily Beast reminds us that during his very classy and completely amicable divorce from Ivana, the former Mrs. Trump accused Donald of raping her. This is not entirely unknown, as the incident is discussed in a 1993 book, Lost Tycoon: The Many Lives of Donald J. Trump, by Harry Hurt III, which is really not a porn name at all. The details of the accusation, from a deposition in the divorce case, are sordid and gross, and not only because they involve Donald Trump. Also, the Daily Beast piece informs us that one of Trump’s attorneys, Michael Cohen, is one huge asshole; his epic hissy-fit at Daily Beast reporters Tim Mak and Brandy Zadrozny is a story in itself. Will any of it hurt the Trump campaign? Why would it? Trump supporters love him because he’s a sociopath, and for all we know, a little rape story could actually boost his popularity since the mean liberal media is beating up on him. Read more on Donald Trump Never Raped His Wife And Even If He Did It Was Classy…
  Excellent News: Nobody Got Shot

Confederate Dead-Enders Not The Kind Of Clowns Black Kids Want At Birthday Parties

A black child’s birthday party was interrupted by an unexpected outbreak of Southern Heritage Saturday, in Douglasville, Georgia, as a group of at least seven pickups carrying Confederate, Real American, and other flags roared past the family’s house and parked in a nearby field, their white occupants adding celebratory racial slurs to the festivities, according to resident Melissa Alford. One of the men driving the trucks told the Atlanta Journal-Constitution that in fact he and his friends were just good ol’ boys, never meanin’ no harm, just out to show The Flag, as people do these days, and also that the blacks started the trouble. Yes, it’s another Rashomon in Dixie, it would seem. Read more on Confederate Dead-Enders Not The Kind Of Clowns Black Kids Want At Birthday Parties…
  Break Out The Carrot Cake

Bugs Bunny Is 75, And Now You Feel Like An Old

Hero of our nation
Here’s your Pop Culture Milestone for the day: Today marks the 75th anniversary of the release of the very first Bugs Bunny cartoon, “A Wild Hare,” directed by the great Tex Avery. Oh, sure, we could bore you with a lot of history, like Time Magazine does, about the disputed origins of the character’s name: Read more on Bugs Bunny Is 75, And Now You Feel Like An Old…
  Rebello With A Really Stupid Cause

Seattle Straight Pride Parade Goes Off Without Hitch, Paraders

Dumb is the loneliest number
This just in: Seattle’s straight community has been so completely bullied into silence by The Gays (and maybe their close allies, Creeping Sharia) that a big Heterosexual Pride Parade announced for this weekend drew a very dissatisfying number of marchers. We mean disappointing even in comparison to that huge demonstration by Ex-Gays in Washington DC a couple years back, which instead of tens of thousands, had under a dozen people show up, plus some press. What we mean is, actually, ONE GUY, the organizer, a gent named Anthony Rebello, showed up and paraded on Capitol Hill on Saturday. Read more on Seattle Straight Pride Parade Goes Off Without Hitch, Paraders…
  Add Your Own Holocaust Pun

Trump, Walker OK With Huckabee Calling Obama Hitler, Wish They’d Said It First

This Way To The Primaries, Ladies And Gentlemen
We have now entered Phase Three of the Mike Huckabee Uses A Shitty Holocaust Analogy story. Phase One was when he said the dumb thing about how Obama’s nuclear deal with Iran will “take the Israelis and march them to the door of the oven.” Phase Two was Barack Obama saying that Huck’s comment would be “considered ridiculous if it weren’t so sad” and maybe merely an attempt to be more outrageous than Donald Goddamn Trump, followed by Huck’s angry reply that Obama is totally gonna gas the Jews, and here’s a meme to prove it. Read more on Trump, Walker OK With Huckabee Calling Obama Hitler, Wish They’d Said It First…
  I Don't Like Gundays

Rick Perry Gives Guns In Movie Theaters Two Thumbs Up

In the not-too-distant future
Former Texas Gov. Rick Perry knows there’s no problem that can’t be solved by the addition of more guns, which is why he claimed Sunday that last week’s shooting in a movie theater in Lafayette, Louisiana, probably could have been prevented if only a whole bunch of people in the audience had been armed. Because in the confusion and panic of a dark movie theater, five or six extra people with guns would certainly have been a big improvement. Read more on Rick Perry Gives Guns In Movie Theaters Two Thumbs Up…
  In Which Obama Manages To Be Both Chamberlain AND Hitler

Mike Huckabee: Obama’s Actually Holocausting Jews For A Change

Thank god these Nazi analogies will go away when the next president is inaugurated.
Are we all tired of Obama-is-Hitler analogies? Well of course we are! But Mike Huckabee isn’t, because he found a really novel variation on the theme: Instead of Obama being just like a Nazi by forcing Americans to have healthcare or taking their guns away or –one of our favorites — letting them get student loans, Huckabee actually found some real Jews for Obama to do a Holocaust to! In an interview with Dead Breitbart’s Really, A Sirius Channel Is Too A Real Radio Station, Huckabee explained that the recent nuclear deal with Iran is exactly the same as the Endlösung: Read more on Mike Huckabee: Obama’s Actually Holocausting Jews For A Change…
  the commentczar's in town

Deleted Comments: Why Do You Liberals Care If Druggies Die?

Scootaloo is a skateboard punk rocker. Let's hope she ends up saner than Michelle Shocked.
We’ve got a heapin’ helpin’ of hostility for you this week, on any number of topics, so let’s jump right into it with this one-liner from “Boggy,” who posted it this week in reply to our June piece on Ted Cruz’s classy jokes about Joe Biden, four days after the death of Biden’s son Beau: Read more on Deleted Comments: Why Do You Liberals Care If Druggies Die?…
  Get Your Nerd On

NASA Discovers Earthlike Planet For Donald Trump To Be President Of: Your Saturday Nerdout

But is it a 'Class M' planet?
It’s Saturday, and time to be ridin’ Nerdy. We really wanted to show you an allegedly cool video of Neil deGrasse Tyson explaining the history of the universe in under eight minutes, but it got “removed as a violation of YouTube’s policy on repetitive, misleading or inappropriate metadata.” So there you go: Not even NdGT can sneak “live nude girls” into metadata on a science video. Once those metadata issues get fixed — shouldn’t Neil have his own personal Mr. Scott? — we’ll give that sucker another try. Read more on NASA Discovers Earthlike Planet For Donald Trump To Be President Of: Your Saturday Nerdout…
  You've Got To Be Carefully Taught Nothing

Florida Wingnuts Not About To Stand For Kiddie Books About ‘Nice Muslims,’ Hell No

Well that DOES look like indoctrination
A group of Very Concerned Parents are petitioning the Duval County Public School District in Florida to remove two books from the third-grade reading list because they’re simply too Muslimy for use in a public school. The books, Nasreen’s Secret School and The Librarian of Basra, are both by Jeanette Winter, and are based on true stories from Afghanistan and Iraq, respectively. And while both books are about the value of literacy and the love of reading, some parents want them gone from the reading list and the library, thanks to an online campaign describing the books as Islamic propaganda and potentially too mature for young readers. Yeesh. And Banned Books Week isn’t even until late September. Read more on Florida Wingnuts Not About To Stand For Kiddie Books About ‘Nice Muslims,’ Hell No…
  Burning Sensation

Wonkette Camping Corner: Don’t Set Your Poo Wipes On Fire, Dumbass

Poop has consequences, people.
Important reminder for you outdoorsy types: It’s a really bad idea to set fire to your toilet paper during a drought, as a Boise mountain bicyclist learned after his attempt to dispose of the remnants of an outdoors poo break resulted in a 73-acre wildfire. We thought you should know before making a Burnt Offering to the Great Cornholio. Read more on Wonkette Camping Corner: Don’t Set Your Poo Wipes On Fire, Dumbass…
  Needed: A Lab-Door Retreiver

PSA: Don’t Make Meth In Federal Labs And Blow Them Up. You Might Lose Your Job.

Trixie would totally make meth. Might do already.
One more thing to add to your New Employee Handbook: Please do not cook meth in your workplace. A law enforcement officer at a federal lab has resigned after an explosion destroyed a security door in a building at the National Institute of Standards and Technology in Gaithersburg, Maryland, last Saturday. Montgomery County police believe an employee at the lab may have been attempting to manufacture methamphetamine. It is not believed that any alligators were involved in the incident, which is why we’re not quite ready to deploy the coveted gnome-vomiting-rainbows graphic. Read more on PSA: Don’t Make Meth In Federal Labs And Blow Them Up. You Might Lose Your Job….
  Guns Don't Kill; RomComs Kill.

Another Guy Shoots Up A Movie Theater. America!

remember, it's all about freedom
It’s been a week since Chattanooga, so we were due for another mass shooting. This time it was a white guy with a gun in a Lafayette, Louisiana movie theater, who shot two women dead and injured nine Thursday night before attempting to flee the theater; when he saw police coming, he killed himself. Read more on Another Guy Shoots Up A Movie Theater. America!…