Author Archives: Doktor Zoom

Full Name: Doktor Zoom Website:
Info: Doktor Zoom Is the pseudonym of Marty Kelley, who lives in Boise, Idaho. He acquired his nym from a fan of Silver-Age comics after being differently punctual to too many meetings. He is not a medical doctor, although he has a real PhD (in Rhetoric and Composition).
  Wow So Yooge. Much Classy. Wow.

Trump Shows America How He Will Deport Mexicans, On Live TV!

Simian challenge display #6
Donald Trump won himself even more love from the We Hates Foreigns crowd Tuesday as he ignored questions from Univision news anchor Jorge Ramos at a press event, told him to go back where he came from (Univision), and had a security guard escort Ramos from the room. After a while, Ramos was allowed back in; while Trump talked over and avoided answering Ramos’s questions, at least he ignored the man face to face. We can hardly wait for President Trump to address the United Nations and tell the delegates to go the hell back to whatever stupid countries they came from, because nobody’s ever even heard of them. Read more on Trump Shows America How He Will Deport Mexicans, On Live TV!…
  Clash Of The Titans

Fox News Dudes Being Total Girls About Donald Trump’s Sexism

Two minds with but a single thought
Two minds with but a single thought Oh, golly goodness, it would appear that there is once again discord in the House That Ailes Built. After taking a brief vacation, Fox’s Megyn Kelly returned to the network Monday night, and Donald Trump drunk-tweeted a bunch of mean stuff about her. (We are not accusing Mr. Trump of being a drunkard, of course — we know he only drinks at church. We just assume that anyone on Twitter is drunk, because it is Twitter). Read more on Fox News Dudes Being Total Girls About Donald Trump’s Sexism…
  All That Giggling Helps Burn Calories Too

Does Weed Make You Skinny? Let’s Ask Science!

Have you ever REALLY LOOKED at your hand? Fascinating.
Have you ever REALLY LOOKED at your hand? Fascinating. A new Canadian study seems to suggest that smoking marijuana like some kind of jazz criminal may prevent obesity and diabetes, at least among the Inuit population that was the subject of the study. Researchers at the Journal of Obesity found that marijuana use was “statistically associated with lower body mass index” and with “lower fasting insulin” levels compared to those who abstained from marijuana use. We love weed science! This is where we’d add a disclaimer that this is only one study that needs to be replicated before everyone takes it as gospel, but we also know that most of you damn hippies are already halfway out the door to your nearest dispensary. Don’t forget your Bob Marley t-shirt and Rasta beanie! Read more on Does Weed Make You Skinny? Let’s Ask Science!…
  Are Your Kids Getting Enough Exorcise?

Illinois Bishop Has Godly Plan To Keep Gay Cooties Out Of Schools

Non-Sex-Having Man Wearing Dress Wants To Lecture You On Sexual Norms
Non-Sex-Having Man Wearing Dress Wants To Lecture You On Sexual Norms In an attempt to clamp down on all the rampant sin in Springfield, Illinois, the local Catholic diocese is planning to rid its schools of the offspring of homosexxxicans. Also, for the sake of insisting that they’re not bigots, the schools will aim to weed out kids whose parents aren’t “living in accord with church teaching.” Parents are not required to actually be Catholic, but they darn well better do sex like Catholics are supposed to, according to a new “Family School Agreement” pushed by Bishop Thomas Paprocki. Read more on Illinois Bishop Has Godly Plan To Keep Gay Cooties Out Of Schools…
  So That's What's The Matter With Kansas

Kansas School Murders Jesus In Front Of The Children

It may not have this been this exact painting.
It may not have this been this exact painting. A Kansas middle school has removed a painting of Jesus from a hallway where it had hung for several decades, throwing the entire town into a tizzy that may, if it does not abate soon, blossom into a full-on kerfuffle. The painting, at Royster Middle School in Chanute, was removed after the school district received a complaint from the Freedom From Religion Foundation; the district’s lawyer, who apparently knows a thing or two about law, advised Superintendent Richard Proffitt that the painting was in violation of the First Amendment’s establishment clause. Smart lawyer! That definitely beats going to the local priest for your advice on public religious displays. Read more on Kansas School Murders Jesus In Front Of The Children…
  There Are Democrats Running This Year Too!

Hey, What’s Up With The 2016 Democrats?

Three Dems, One Cup
Three Dems, One Cup With all the Republicans trying their best to beat the crap out of each other, you have to feel a little bad for the Democrats, who have generally been like the well-behaved kids who are trying to have a thoughtful talk about important Calculus Club business in one corner of the cafeteria while everyone’s paying attention to the brawl over by the snack machine, where the little brother of the quarterback from several seasons ago is getting a wedgie from that obnoxious guy with the weird hair. (Somewhere in this analogy, Rand Paul is wondering why no one’s taking his Objectivist Club pamphlets, John Kasich can’t convince anyone to play D & D with him — he insists on using the 2nd Edition — and no one’s even sure if Jim Gilmore actually attends this school.) So let’s check in on the people who actually care about subject-verb agreement and income inequality. Read more on Hey, What’s Up With The 2016 Democrats?…
  Cakes We Don't Like

Gay-Hatin’ Oregon Bakers Send Love Cakes To Homos, Tell Them They’re Going To Hell

The Love is a Lie
It’s a beautiful gesture of love, accompanied by a really bad movie You probably remember the sad story of Aaron and Melissa Klein, the Oregon bakers who refused to bake a penis cake for a lesbian wedding a couple of years back, then were forced to close their bakery by the state of Oregon Free Market, and were eventually told to pay $135,000 in damages to the couple for believing in God breaking the state’s anti-discrimination laws (way to create a martyr, there, Oregon). All because they didn’t want to compromise their God-given right to refuse to put flour, sugar, and eggs in a bowl for people who do sex things in a non-God-approved manner! Happily, the Kleins are somehow getting by — helped by roughly a half-million dollars in donations from fellow bigots — and last week sent out a bunch of cakes to ten LGBT organizations to let them know that the Kleins don’t hate gays — they love them and don’t want them to go to Hell. Look at this beautiful cake o’love! Read more on Gay-Hatin’ Oregon Bakers Send Love Cakes To Homos, Tell Them They’re Going To Hell…
  They Could Have Been Heroes Just For One Day

Fox News Knows Obama Personally Ordered Terrorist To Ride That French Train

How a normal network might report the story
How a normal network might report the story There’s an awful lot to be happy about in the story of the three vacationing Americans, a British executive, and a French passenger who overpowered a would-be terrorist on a high-speed train Friday. Nobody got killed, and even the two people who were slashed by the bad guy’s knife are going to be fine. On Monday, four of the hero passengers were awarded France’s highest civilian medal, the Legion d’Honneur. So: a whole lot of good to say about the decency and heroism of ordinary people willing to risk their lives to protect complete strangers. Read more on Fox News Knows Obama Personally Ordered Terrorist To Ride That French Train…
  Biggest Christian Ever. Just The Best

Donald Trump Bravely Says ‘Christmas,’ Even In Alabama

Donald Trump meets an anchor baby
Donald Trump meets an anchor baby While he was in Alabama getting white people excited this weekend, Donald Trump took a few minutes to assure an Alabama radio show host that nobody — NOBODY — will be a greater President of Christmas than Donald J. Trump. Trump told host Cliff Sims Friday that he actually goes out of his way to say “Christmas,” despite the many dangers of doing so, because, as he explained, “I’m a big believer in the Bible,” a book Trump has recently made a point of saying is even better than Trump’s The Art of the Deal, by Donald Trump, which must make it a pretty terrific book, although he has yet to refer to any of its contents. Read more on Donald Trump Bravely Says ‘Christmas,’ Even In Alabama…
  A True Story Of Faith

Sundays With The Christianists: The Day My Idiot Brother Brought Salvation To Flagstaff, Arizona

Catholic mothers suffer the most. True fact.
Catholic mothers suffer the most. True fact. This post originated with an offhand comment in the Wonkette Sekrit Chat Cave; we were talking about one of those nice evangelical stunts to “help” sinners by telling them, in gory detail, precisely how hellbound they are, out of a spirit of “love.” After a three-sentence summary of this Incredible True Story of Faith, Yr Editrix insisted that I write it up for Our Wonkette. Read more on Sundays With The Christianists: The Day My Idiot Brother Brought Salvation To Flagstaff, Arizona…
  He Makes Us Mad. He makes Us Mean Mad

Ted Cruz Chooses Perfect Day To Be A Dick To Jimmy Carter

English lacks sufficient invective for this man
English lacks sufficient invective for this smug excuse for a human being. Sen. Ted Cruz, displaying the warmth and basic decency that have made him a legend among near-human beings, chose the day after former President Jimmy Carter announced that he has brain cancer to natter on about how terrible a president Carter was, but at least the man only had a single term before Ronald Reagan Saved America. Read more on Ted Cruz Chooses Perfect Day To Be A Dick To Jimmy Carter…
  Jade Helm Has To Work Into This Somehow

Islamic Leaders Call For End To Fossil Fuels, Will Probably Jihad Your SUV

Shouldn't that be Hooray, we have hydrogen?
Shouldn’t that be “Hooray, we have hydrogen”? Well, this ought to inspire some conspiracy theories! Tuesday, an International Islamic Climate Change Symposium held in Istanbul (not Constantinople) declared that climate change is real, happening now, and caused by human activity. The group called for immediate action to slow the warming of the planet, because Allah would rather not see mass extinctions, thank you. Considering that wingnuts are already convinced climate science is just a scam to make scientists rich, we’re guessing that any combination of the words “Islam” and “global warming” will cause more than a few rightwing heads to explode. Yes, Louie Gohmert, we’re looking at you. Read more on Islamic Leaders Call For End To Fossil Fuels, Will Probably Jihad Your SUV…
  I'm Stickin' With The Union

More Bad News For Republicans: Americans SO Gay For Labor Unions

They like representation! They really like representation!
They like representation! They really like representation! So here’s a big fuckin’ deal: Despite decades of declining union membership (thanks, “right to work” laws!), a new Gallup poll shows that, for the first time since the recession, a majority of Americans like labor unions again: Read more on More Bad News For Republicans: Americans SO Gay For Labor Unions…
  You May Not Say He's A Dreamer

Jeb Bush Asks Media For Help Slurring Brown Babies

Might need changing, might just be gassy
Might need changing, might just be gassy Jeb! Bush continued a family tradition this week: say something stupid, then say something even MORE stupid in an attempt to explain the first stupid thing. Read more on Jeb Bush Asks Media For Help Slurring Brown Babies…
  Almost Visible

Donald Trump Googles This Martin O’Malley Fellow, Decides He’s A Weak Loser

Rachel Maddow thinks it looks like a giant tacky knife hilt stabbed into the desert. Good call.
Rachel Maddow thinks it looks like a giant tacky knife hilt stabbed into the desert. Good call. Hey, remember that Martin O’Malley guy who is actually running for president? (Yes, as a Democrat.) He did a fairly smart thing Wednesday, seeing as how if you want to do well in the Democratic caucuses in Nevada, you want to get in good with the hotel unions, especially the Culinary Workers Union, which was key to Barack Obama winning against Hillary Clinton in the 2008 caucuses. And that’s why Martin O’Malley went to join a demonstration by the Culinary Workers who are trying to organize Donald Trump’s big ugly not-even-on-the-strip Trump International Hotel, which, despite being in Las Vegas, is really not very classy at all, especially if you consider that time in 2012 when the Health Department briefly shut down its steakhouse for being full of YOOGE bacterial colonies. Probably because there weren’t union workers to do stuff right, we’d bet. Besides, who needs a union when you can just bring in Mexicans? Read more on Donald Trump Googles This Martin O’Malley Fellow, Decides He’s A Weak Loser…