Author Archives: Doktor Zoom

Full Name: Doktor Zoom Website:
Info: Doktor Zoom Is the pseudonym of Marty Kelley, who lives in Boise, Idaho. He acquired his nym from a fan of Silver-Age comics after being differently punctual to too many meetings. He is not a medical doctor, although he has a real PhD (in Rhetoric and Composition).
  Further Adventures In Driving While Black

Cops Slam Black Driver’s Head Against Car, Demand He Stop Hitting Himself

I'm not touching you...OK, I'm throwing you to the pavement, but not touching you...
In yet another isolated incident, a black motorist was pulled from his car, thrown to the ground, and then had his head smashed against the hood of a police car. And for some reason, although the dash cam video doesn’t show him behaving violently, Stuart Fitzgerald, 53, has been charged with assaulting officers in the May 26, 2014, incident. We really need to just have a story template to use for all these isolated incidents, where we can fill in the names, dates, and perfectly reasonable bullshit explanations from police. It would save a lot of time. Read more on Cops Slam Black Driver’s Head Against Car, Demand He Stop Hitting Himself…
  Who Guards The Bawdy Guards?

Another Day, Another Secret Service A**hole Gets Caught Being An A**hole

If they don't shape up, make them wear the Nixon uniforms.
Attenion, U.S. Secret Service: You can stop now, really. The nation’s opinion of you guys couldn’t possibly get much lower, so would you please just stop trying? The latest horrorshow from the agency charged with keeping the president safe: Xavier Morales, a manager with the agency, has been put on leave and had his security clearance yanked after an alleged sexual assault on a female agent March 31. It’s been what, all of two, maybe three, weeks since the last drunken Secret Service fuckup? Are they worried we’ll forget about them? Read more on Another Day, Another Secret Service A**hole Gets Caught Being An A**hole…
  Or You Could Look Up Thurber's 'If Grant Had Been Drinking At Appomattox'

It’s Appomattox Day. The South Lost. Deal With It.

Yeah, yeah, noble cause. Freaking slavers.
One hundred fifty years ago today, the American Civil War ended with Robert E. Lee’s surrender to Ulysses S. Grant at Appomattox Court House, which wasn’t a courthouse but a town named after a court house, and the actual house belonged to Wilmer McLean. This is generally considered a fortunate thing, since “The Surrender At Wilmer’s Place” would not look nearly as good on a commemorative print. The relentless romanticizing of the Southern cause — state’s rights, the Old Noble Ways, the Southern Aristocracy, and the Fight for Freedom for people of a certain pale hue — started well before the war, and the mere fact of Southern defeat did little to slow it. After all, what’s more romantic than a Lost Cause? It was a good enough reason for a delusional actor to shoot Abraham Lincoln just a week later, and it was a good enough pile of romantic mush to keep the Lost Cause ideology alive long after the Confederacy and all its leaders and followers were dead and in the ground. Read more on It’s Appomattox Day. The South Lost. Deal With It….
  BYO Constitution

Happy Bundyversary, America! Come On Down To Bundyland For BundyPalooza 2015!

2114's hottest hobby: Bundy Ranch standoff re-enactments
Wow, can you believe it’s been a whole year since the Great Big Freedom Standoff between a welfare rancher, his militia pals, and the Tyrannical Federal Government that wanted to take away all his cow friends because he never paid a penny of grazing fees after 1993? After, all, Cliven Bundy was just a simple rancher/entrepreneur peacefully grazing his cattle on federal land that was kinda-sorta near land that his family had settled since forever, or at least since 1948. So to celebrate the one year anniversary of the Greatest Freedom Standoff since Waco, the Bundy family is having a hootenanny, and everyone’s invited! And thanks to the brave redacted Wonkette tipster who forwarded the email to us, we’re excited to share the invite with all of you Liberty-Loving Loons, too! Read more on Happy Bundyversary, America! Come On Down To Bundyland For BundyPalooza 2015!…
  What About Hitler? Is She Hitler Too?

Wingnuts Just Asking: Is Hillary Clinton A Violent Spouse Abuser? And A Lizard Person?

Don't Americans deserve the truth? Or at least the 'truth'?
Stupidest Guest Blogger on the Internet Kristinn Taylor is simply asking a simple question: Aren’t Democrats the worst hypocrites ever for even considering nominating Hillary Clinton for president, given the undisputable fact that a new book alleges that she is a “violent spouse abuser”? Read more on Wingnuts Just Asking: Is Hillary Clinton A Violent Spouse Abuser? And A Lizard Person?…
  Easter: A Time For Airing Grievances

Obama Stomps All Over Jesus At Easter Prayer Breakfast, Wingnuts Outraged

Here's the Atheist Muslim Secularist quoting Jesus again
Oh, dear, there goes Barack Obama again, attacking all of Christendom with an unspeakable slur! A few weeks back he offended all decent Christians by saying historically accurate things about the Crusades and slavery to note that bad things are sometimes done in the name of religion, even though they violate the tenets of those religions — clear code for “I like ISIS a whole lot!” Now he’s gone and profaned the Risen Lord by slagging on all of Christendom at a post-Easter “Easter Prayer Breakfast” held Tuesday morning. Just how horrible was the slur against Christians that Obama delivered? Just take a look at this hed at Gateway Pundit, where Jim Hoft continues his desperate bid to regain his crown as Stupidest Man on the Internet: Read more on Obama Stomps All Over Jesus At Easter Prayer Breakfast, Wingnuts Outraged…
  Somebody Finally Thought Of The Children

Arkansas Governor Signs Bill Ensuring Slimy Rep. Justin Harris Will Never Regift Another Child

He has that D'oh in the headlights look
Thank the good lord above, the great state of Arkansas has finally outlawed the practice of “rehoming” adopted children — that is, just handing off your adopted kids to someone else to raise and hoping for the best, a practice that didn’t turn out so well for state Rep. Justin Harris when one of the two girls he rehomed with a family friend was raped in 2014. Gov. Asa Hutchinson signed the bill into law Monday, making Arkansas one of only three states to ban rehoming — the other two are Louisiana and Wisconsin; Florida and Illinois are also considering legislation to restrict or outlaw rehoming. Read more on Arkansas Governor Signs Bill Ensuring Slimy Rep. Justin Harris Will Never Regift Another Child…
  Sucks To Your Ass-Mar

Obama Says Climate Change Causes Asthma; Republicans Immediately Stop Breathing To Show Him Who’s Boss

Oh, look at him acting like he Knows Things
Despite the fact that only 97% of climate scientists are convinced that global warming is real, President Barack Obama nonetheless met with medical and scientific experts Tuesday for a roundtable discussion of the public health impacts of climate change. You’d almost think that there’s a problem or something! Read more on Obama Says Climate Change Causes Asthma; Republicans Immediately Stop Breathing To Show Him Who’s Boss…
  Reagan didn't die on the cross for this!

Russia’s In Ur White House Computers, Snoopin All Ur Sextings

Look, Natasha! Is Taco Tuesday every week!
CNN reported Tuesday that Russian hackers broke into an unclassified White House computer system last fall, and while they didn’t break into any classified systems, they still “had access to sensitive information such as real-time non-public details of the president’s schedule,” which security expert people told CNN is “still highly sensitive and prized by foreign intelligence agencies[.]” What we really want to know, though, is whether the Russkies had access to scheduling advice given to President Obama by his astrologer. Read more on Russia’s In Ur White House Computers, Snoopin All Ur Sextings…
  The Gun Is Good. The Penis Is Better

Florida Pastor Has A Penis, Like Adam, Moses, Jesus, And All Real Leaders

Male supremacy: An idea whose time may at last be here
Meet Pastor Bill Lytell of the Gospel Baptist Church in Bonita Springs, Florida. He’s got a pretty fab new insight into how God wants things to work: Men should always be the boss of ladies, and not ever the other way around, because of God’s mighty penis and the hefty testicles of Adam, Moses, and Jesus (make no mistake though, they all lived at different times, and therefore their weighty mansacks never touched, so no homo). Read more on Florida Pastor Has A Penis, Like Adam, Moses, Jesus, And All Real Leaders…
  Cop Already Wants Change Of Venue To Ferguson

Pigs Fly, Hell Freezes Over, Cop Charged In Murder Of Black Man

Here's a scene that will be in all the year in review montages
In a surprising departure from the usual script, a police shooting of an unarmed black man has resulted in the police officer being charged with murder. Michael Slager, 33, a police officer in North Charleston, South Carolina, was fired from the police department and charged with the murder of Walter L. Scott, 50, after pulling Scott over for a broken brake light. Read more on Pigs Fly, Hell Freezes Over, Cop Charged In Murder Of Black Man…
  You Come At The HENGHHHH? You Best Not Miss

John McCain Has An Announcement To Make Too, Pick Him, Pick Him!

My friends, my friends, my friends...FIVE AND A HALF YEARS, ALAN
After that thrilling speech by Rand Paul (mostly we just heard the trombone-voice of the teacher from Charlie Brown cartoons), are you Wonkers ready for some real excitement? Then you should probably go see a matinee of Furious 7, because this article is about John McCain announcing that he’ll run for a sixth term in the Senate. Wait! Come back! Maybe there’ll be sideboob in here somewhere! Like, not even gross old man sideboob, either. Read more on John McCain Has An Announcement To Make Too, Pick Him, Pick Him!…
  Are We Having Funds Yet?

How Much Money Will God And Liberals Send To Maine Family Planning Group?

That's Why I Love Mankind
Looks like the Culture Wars have spilled over from food fights to competing claims of divine intervention in fundraising campaigns. With the Great Indiana Gay Pizza Crisis (please give generously) finally at an end — or at least the GoFundMe page no longer taking contributions — there’s now an attempt to get Big Gay-Hating monees for the Washington florist who had to pay a $1000 fine for refusing to do the flowers for a same-sex wedding. That one is currently at $127,000, a pretty good return on a fine. Read more on How Much Money Will God And Liberals Send To Maine Family Planning Group?…
  At Least He Never Made Anyone Bake A Gay Cake

‘Family Values’ Lunatic Todd Kincannon Arrested Just For Showing Wife Who’s Boss

We assume he just dresses like that anyway, because in Obama's America, no one is free
Now there’s a mugshot that ought to gladden the hearts of many. Rightwing bile duct and former chairman of the South Carolina GOP Todd Kincannon was arrested Monday evening and is facing a charge of criminal domestic violence charge in court Tuesday. His arrest follows a March 26 incident in which Kincannon’s wife, Ashely Griffith, said that he had threatened to kill her, her family, and himself during a terror-filled drive home from a work event; she also told a Lexington County, South Carolina, sheriff’s deputy that they had a “history of unreported domestic violence” and that she feared Kincannon. Read more on ‘Family Values’ Lunatic Todd Kincannon Arrested Just For Showing Wife Who’s Boss…
  Wishful Thinking Is Totally Different From Denial

ALEC: Global Warming Is Real, And We Think It’s FABULOUS

Well THERE'S yer problem...
Good news, everyone! The American Legislative Exchange Council, everyone’s favorite corporate whore lobbying national legislative information-sharing group promoting free-market values, is officially not a nest of climate deniers. And if you say they are, they’ll send you a pissy cease-and-desist letter, so there. Read more on ALEC: Global Warming Is Real, And We Think It’s FABULOUS…
  Paul's Pistol To The Corinthians

Hidden Gun In Church Adds Excitement, Flesh Wound, To Easter Vigil Service

Oh, there's the gun: Right in the Missal Gap
Here’s one way to liven up an Easter vigil service: carry a loaded semiautomatic pistol into church with you, leave the safety off, and let the trigger catch on your pocket, firing a round off during the service. Bonus points if the bullet grazes your hand, giving you something very like stigmata! At the Cathedral of the Blessed Sacrament in Altoona, Pennsylvania, one of America’s Responsible Gun Owners was wounded by the negligent discharge Saturday night as Mass was nearly over. Happily, no one else was hit, proving that God was quite pleased with the offering of hot lead. Read more on Hidden Gun In Church Adds Excitement, Flesh Wound, To Easter Vigil Service…
  The MOST SHOCKING STORY You'll Read Today

Top Staffer For Republican Senator Resigns In Ginormous Sexxytimes Scandal!

Fun's over, fellas
In what could be the most shocking political sex scandal of the day, or at least the midafternoon lull, a top aide to Sen. Kelly Ayotte (R-New Hampshire) has resigned after being caught in a disappointingly embarrassing, sad prostitution sting. There weren’t even any real prostitutes, for heaven’s sake! David Wihby, which is a really fun name to say, was Ayotte’s state director in New Hampshire and also a member and vice chair of the Manchester School board; he got caught this weekend in what sounds like the lamest sting operation ever: Read more on Top Staffer For Republican Senator Resigns In Ginormous Sexxytimes Scandal!…
  Real Flag False Story

‘Patriots’ Take Credit For Perfectly Routine Removal Of Chinese Flag, Save America From Communism!

We're pretty sure there's just not enough red dye for an entire iceberg.
Wonkette EXCLUSIVE must cite Wonkette!!! The Wingnuttosphere is full of excited stories about an absolute OUTRAGE that occurred last week, when the flag of COMMUNIST RED CHINA, our sworn enemy and trading partner, was flown in front of the Washington state capitol building in Olympia to honor a visit by Chinese Ambassador Cui Tiankai. After much huffing and puffing, the offensive banner was hauled down Saturday morning either by brave, Constitution-Loving Patriots, or by a maintenance worker who was removing it because the ambassadorial visit was over. Actually, Yr Wonkette has confirmed with the office of Gov. Jay Inslee that the flag was taken down as a matter of routine — not due to pressure from wingnuts. Read more on ‘Patriots’ Take Credit For Perfectly Routine Removal Of Chinese Flag, Save America From Communism!…
  A Good Guy With A Schwinn

Hero Tennessee Legislator Explains How Guns Are Like Bicycles, Only Safer

Kevlar bike helmet optional
The Constitution-loving Tennessee House of Representatives expanded freedom a little bit last week, voting 65-21 in favor of a bill that would prevent local governments from restricting guns in public parks. They were in a hurry to pass it in time for the NRA’s Annual Meeting, to be held in Nashville April 10-12. And while some nervous nellies (and communist agitators) might have some qualms about letting people carry guns around in public parks, hero state Rep. Glen Casada explained in a press conference that guns are no more dangerous than bicycles, because sure, people sometimes get shot accidentally, but then, people die on bikes alla time too. Read more on Hero Tennessee Legislator Explains How Guns Are Like Bicycles, Only Safer…
  Tyson Probably Kicks Puppies Too

Why Does Neil deGrasse Tyson Hate The Flag And America?

E Plebnista: Love It Or Leave It
Pluto-murderer, Jesus-defamer, and notorious science-doer Neil deGrasse Tyson put on his troll hat again the other day, and displeased some parts of the Twitterverse with a terrible horrible unpatriotic parody of the Pledge of Allegiance: Read more on Why Does Neil deGrasse Tyson Hate The Flag And America?…
  It's Getting Hot In Herre

Republican Senators: Can You Explain Climate Change To Us, EPA, So We Can Not Believe You Some More?

Gina McCarthy: Suspiciously cozy with Big Science
Gosh, this ought to go well: Some of the biggest climate deniers in the Senate want the EPA to school them on how climate modeling works. No doubt this is so they can gain a greater appreciation of just how complex science is, so they can marvel at how great our understanding of the natural world is. That, or they’re looking for stuff they can cherry-pick out of context to claim that global warming is a hoax, and we should start burning all the coal we can dig up before Jesus comes back. Read more on Republican Senators: Can You Explain Climate Change To Us, EPA, So We Can Not Believe You Some More?…