Author Archives: Doktor Zoom

Full Name: Doktor Zoom Website:
Info: Doktor Zoom Is the pseudonym of Marty Kelley, who lives in Boise, Idaho. He acquired his nym from a fan of Silver-Age comics after being differently punctual to too many meetings. He is not a medical doctor, although he has a real PhD (in Rhetoric and Composition).
  'Danger' Is His Middle Name

Bill O’Reilly Is One Pissed War Correspondent

He is the most accuratest reporter EVAR
Bill O’Reilly just wants you to know that he has never, ever, not once in his life ever exaggerated his bravery as a war correspondent. And if you say otherwise, he will END YOU, as he let a nosy New York Times reporter know Monday. Or as the Times rather delicately puts it: Read more on Bill O’Reilly Is One Pissed War Correspondent…
  He Won't Be Lured Into Taking AP History

Wingnuts Fall In Viral Love With 12-Year-Old Who Knows Obama Hates America

He seems nice
Meet fresh new viral sensation CJ Pearson, a Georgia middle-schooler who is all over the Wingnuttosphere this week because he has the courage to say that Rudy Giuliani is absolutely right: Barack Obama does not love America. Unlike the former New York mayor, CJ — if he’s not going to use periods between his initials on his YouTube page, then neither will we — doesn’t get into any of Giuliani’s arcane stuff about how Obama was “raised differently from you and me,” possibly because CJ wasn’t raised by a low-level Mob enforcer. Read more on Wingnuts Fall In Viral Love With 12-Year-Old Who Knows Obama Hates America…
  More Like Gomer Than Ernie Pyle

Everyone Who Knew Bill O’Reilly In 1982 Is A Vicious Lying Pinhead

O'Reilly, you magnificent bastard, we'll never read your book
You guys, this is really serious: It appears that virtually everyone from CBS who worked with Bill O’Reilly when he was bravely reporting on the Falklands War in 1982 is a vicious smear artist who just wants Billo to look bad! You see, Bill had said that he’d been a war correspondent and witnessed combat during the Falklands War, but then those meddling kids at Mother Jones went and pointed out that no reporters were allowed on the Falklands, and Bill had been in Buenos Aires, Argentina, over a thousand miles away. Read more on Everyone Who Knew Bill O’Reilly In 1982 Is A Vicious Lying Pinhead…
  Speaker For The Derp

Spokane Board Of Health Member Standing Up For Anti-Vaxx Rights Of Tinfoil Hat Community

Who will speak for the loons?
It’s good to know that there are freedom-loving men like Spokane City Councilman Mike Fagan. This weekend, Fagan, a proud anti-vaxxer who somehow got appointed to the Spokane Regional Board of Health, rallied like-minded paranoids to oppose Washington’s proposal to repeal a provision in state law allowing parents to opt out of mandatory vaccinations for their kids on the basis of “personal belief.” The legislation would leave in place exemptions for medical conditions and religious beliefs, but if parents don’t have the chance to expose their children and the community to easily prevented communicable diseases, then the Sons of Liberty might just as well have not dumped all those crates of MMR vaccine into Boston Harbor in 1771. Read more on Spokane Board Of Health Member Standing Up For Anti-Vaxx Rights Of Tinfoil Hat Community…
  Rage Against The Latrine

Hero Texas Lady Wants To Look Into Your Genes Before You Use The Toilet

It's easy to forget that people actually dress like this, unironically
Let’s hear it for Texas state Rep. Debbie Riddle, who has filed an exciting new bill to make sure that people only go to the toilets that God intended them to. Her genius legislation would make it a Class A misdemeanor for transgendered people to use public restrooms, showers, or locker rooms of their preference — even if they’ve had gender reassignment surgery. Read more on Hero Texas Lady Wants To Look Into Your Genes Before You Use The Toilet…
  Very Warm Relations With Industry

Climate Change Denying Scientist Is Bought And Paid For, Surprise!

He's one of the biggest deniers
In what could turn out to be helpful news for the reality-based community, a new trove of documents show that one of the leading “scientific critics” of global warming has been funded directly by the fossil fuel industries. Wei-Hock Soon, who goes by “Willie,” has traded on his position as a part-time employee of the Harvard-Smithsonian Center for Astrophysics to present himself as a legitimate scientist who’s simply not convinced that human activity is responsible for climate change, which has made him very popular with conservative groups and politicians. But documents obtained through a Freedom of Information Act request show that his research was directly paid for by industry sources, to the tune of over $1.2 million. Worse, he’s published at least 11 papers that failed to disclose those payments, a serious no-no in scientific ethics. Say, New York Times, please share with us a paragraph that should make us all say “yikes!” The documents show that Dr. Soon, in correspondence with his corporate funders, described many of his scientific papers as “deliverables” that he completed in exchange for their money. He used the same term to describe testimony he prepared for Congress. So hey, it turns out that Indiana congressmoron Larry Bucshon was right: scientists are getting rich off doing research on climate. It’s just that the ones getting rich are the ones saying global warming is fake. Soon’s “research,” which claimed that variations in how much energy the sun puts out explain climate change on Earth, have already been dismissed by most scientists, who note that Soon is not a climatologist (his degree is in aerospace engineering) and that his papers are deeply flawed. But because he’s associated with a reputable institution — which has long distanced itself from his claims — he looked just legitimate enough that many climate deniers, most notably Oklahoma Sen. Jim Inhofe, have paraded him as one of the Top Experts who doesn’t buy into the scientific consensus on global warming. In a Senate debate last month, Mr. Inhofe pointed to a poster with photos of scientists questioning the climate-change consensus, including Dr. Soon. “These are scientists that cannot be challenged,” the senator said. Sen. Inhofe was very conveniently traveling and unavailable for comment on the Times article. Imagine that. Soon was known to have ties to the fossil-fuel industry, but the FOIA request by Greenpeace revealed just how direct those connections were. He has always insisted that he’s never been influenced by his industry connections: “I write proposals; I let them decide whether to fund me or not,” he said at an event in Madison, Wis., in 2013. “If they choose to fund me, I’m happy to receive it.” A moment later, he added, “I would never be motivated by money for anything.” His billing statements to his funders for all those “deliverables” should make for some fun explanations, we’re thinking. The documents show that Soon received at least $409,000 from The Southern Company, which operates coal-burning power plants, and which has of course heavily lobbied against greenhouse gas limits. And hey, there’s also this completely independent scientist, Willie Soon, who says that CO2 has nothing to do with global warming, so that’s pretty impressive. And of course he also was paid some $230,000 by the “Charles G. Koch Charitable Foundation,” which apparently just likes to help out struggling scientists whose conclusions might be useful to oil billionaires. More recently, he’s received “hundreds of thousands of dollars through DonorsTrust, an organization based in Alexandria, Va., that accepts money from donors who wish to remain anonymous, then funnels it to various conservative causes.” Not that he’d ever dream of skewing his research to please his funders. Journals that have published papers by Soon that lacked any notification of his possible conflict of interest due to industry funding are reviewing the publications; it’s possible that some papers may be retracted because of the ethical violations. Needless to say, we can look forward to Fox News defending Soon as a martyr who’s merely the victim of scientific McCarthyism, shunned because he refuses to bow to the Leftist political agenda of Big Climate. Go read the whole New York Times piece — it’s pretty incredible stuff, about a pretty un-credible “scientist.” And while you’re at it, go re-watch the episode of Cosmos that recounts how oil companies used paid “experts” to downplay evidence of the deadly effects of leaded gasoline. Gosh, who’d have dreamed the industry would do the same with climate science? [NYT / Image improvements by alert/OCD commenter Gleem McShinez]
  Stupid Punt

Scott Walker Not About To Admit Obama’s As Christian As He Is

Hey, what do I know?
Wisconsin governor and God’s Gift to Wonkette Scott Walker said this weekend that he didn’t know whether Barack Obama is a Christian, but he only said that as a matter of principle to make the media look stupid, he explained. And wow, did that ever work! Read more on Scott Walker Not About To Admit Obama’s As Christian As He Is…
  the commentczar's in town

Deleted Comments Of The Week: Shoot-Out At The Not-Okay Corral

Dear Princess Celestia: Why do you hate Free Speach?
Oh, it has been a busy week in Deleted Comments land! Thanks to our switchover to Disqus, the comments are a bit more Wild West-y than they had been — in Olden times, new commenters had to be approved, but now, Yr Moderators have to patrol the dusty streets and clear them of miscreants who shamble into view. Happily, you Wonkers are all deputized to help us keep our comments section a happy Radical Liberal Secularist Leftist Libunatic playground as well, via the “flag” option that appears when you move your mouse over any comment, like so: Read more on Deleted Comments Of The Week: Shoot-Out At The Not-Okay Corral…
  winner winner chicken dinner

We Suck At Judging Caption Contests Like You People Suck At Writing Them

Seriously, you people
Hey, Wonkaloos, after much time and consideration, and the realization that we had to actually go back and read the damned things, we have selected a winner for your Presidents Day Caption Contest, which we figured you might suck at, and by god, you lived up to our expectations! The first prize should be two tickets to 50 Shades of Grey, but not even we are that cruel. But here is Your First Prize Winner, by Blank Ron: Read more on We Suck At Judging Caption Contests Like You People Suck At Writing Them…
  Puget About It

Decent Seattle Police Union Head Risks Getting Thrown Out Of Police Union Head Union

Can we still say 'he seems nice' when he actually does seem nice?
This week, the Seattle police union went out of its way to tell cops that they’d better be OK with diversity, or go elsewhere. On its Facebook page, the Seattle Police Officers Guild reminded officers not to be assholes on social media, because it’s all whatchacall, PUBLIC: Read more on Decent Seattle Police Union Head Risks Getting Thrown Out Of Police Union Head Union…
  Circular Firing Squad

NRA Will Drown Grover Norquist’s Islamic Terrorism In A Bathtub

Douche fight! Douche fight!
Better take cover, kids, because there’s a big ol’ Battle of the Rightwing True Believers a-brewin’, and there’s no telling where the stray rounds will hit. Seems that Grover Norquist is getting a little Politics of Personal Destruction thrown his way as he seeks reelection to the National Rifle Association’s Board of Directors. The whole ugly slapfight is covered in excruciating detail by Chaotic Evil Breitbart Horcrux Matthew Boyle, who chronicles the internecine dustup with all the enthusiasm of a junior high school girl telling all about the big cafeteria brawl that got That Bitch Melanie and That Other Bitch Breeanna a week of after-school detention. Read more on NRA Will Drown Grover Norquist’s Islamic Terrorism In A Bathtub…
  Rudy Can't Fail

Rudy Giuliani Isn’t Racist, Just Can’t Stand That White Guy Who’s President

Former New York City Mayor Rudy Giuliani clarified his recent comments about Barack Obama yesterday, explaining that when he said that Barack Obama “doesn’t love America,” he was “not questioning his patriotism.” That’s actually true: Giuliani wasn’t questioning Obama’s patriotism; he was saying outright that Obama just plain doesn’t have any. Read more on Rudy Giuliani Isn’t Racist, Just Can’t Stand That White Guy Who’s President…
  Historical Apoplexy

Colorado District Decides It’s OK With Real History After All, Keeps AP Classes

Hey, Kids, you won one! Now get back to studying!
Finally some Nice Time from the War On Advanced Placement U.S. History! The Jefferson County school board in Colorado has decided to cancel its plans to review the APUSH framework, apparently deciding that it didn’t want to be in the same anti-education club as Georgia and Oklahoma. Jefferson County had made news four months ago when students walked out of several Denver-area schools to protest the board’s plan to review all curricular material to make sure it would “promote patriotic material, respect for authority, and the free-market system.” That proposal was eventually watered down to eliminate the more censorship-y parts, and now the board has decided to drop even that review. It will go ahead and implement the College Board’s revised framework for APUSH, which became a rightwing Culture War fetish in several states after the Republican National Committee decided the new standards didn’t love America enough. Read more on Colorado District Decides It’s OK With Real History After All, Keeps AP Classes…
  Quite Literally Dank

Florida Cops Smelled Weed In Dude’s Butthole, For Reals

he seems... high
Yes, of course, it’s Florida Man again, and even though we have an official Florida Correspondent, sometimes the rest of us just have to hit a Florida story, too. You’ll forgive us if we don’t want a hit of this Florida story, however. In the wee hours of February 12, Gainesville police pulled over Winfred Alphonso McAllister Jr. after observing his car weaving between lanes. After asking McAllister to step out of the car, the cops said they detected the smell of marijuana; McAllister claimed that it had to be left over from an earlier time when he had smoked some, and insisted he had no weed on him. Which, yecch, was technically true because he had his stash in him. Read more on Florida Cops Smelled Weed In Dude’s Butthole, For Reals…
  Whine and Jesus Party

Saturday Night Live Discriminated All Over Victoria Jackson’s Free Gay-Hating Speech

Let's get both these kids in the next Wes Anderson movie
Like many Americans who now regret it, we watched the great big Saturday Night Live 40th anniversary program Sunday, and we kept looking over at our 17-year-old son and explaining that the show didn’t so much suck as that it was just trying to recreate the feel of every single sketch that ran after “Weekend Update” for 40 years. And of course, we kept an eye out for former cast members who didn’t quite make it onstage, like Sen. Al Franken, who was definitely there, and Victoria Jackson, who was nowhere to be seen. WELL! Turns out that V-Jack was there all right, but she was shunted off into the overflow room, not given a seat in the studio audience. She’s not sure why that happened, but she bets it’s maybe because she’s a Christian who stands up for Traditional Marriage! Or maybe some young’un on the production staff just confused her with another crazy blond lady from the internet and worried that she’d storm the stage, grab the mic, and shout that America would never submit to Muslim rule. Read more on Saturday Night Live Discriminated All Over Victoria Jackson’s Free Gay-Hating Speech…
  Exploding Foamy Pig Doots II: Electric Poopaloo

Mean Enviros Won’t Let Tenn. State Rep. Throw Pig Carcasses All Over The Place, Except They Did

Have you seen the little piggies in their starched white shirts?
Let’s just call this story “Son Of Exploding Foamy Pig Doots,” shall we? Except there’s no exploding, and the foaming is mostly just a froth of pure pigshit coming from Tennessee state Rep. Andy Holt, who is quite certain that no sir his hog farm did NOT get any special treatment from regulators, even though he operated for years without a permit, left hog carcasses lying around unburied, and pumped half a million gallons of hogshit into a creek near his farm. Read more on Mean Enviros Won’t Let Tenn. State Rep. Throw Pig Carcasses All Over The Place, Except They Did…
  Single Finger Salute

Latest Proof Obama’s A Muslim: He Openly Possesses An Index Finger

How can anyone dispute it? That's a finger all right!
Barack Hussein Obama had better just give up the pretense and admit that he’s a Muslim Manchurian Candidate, because some genius at “American Thinker” — where the stuff that’s too crazy for WorldNetDaily ends up — has finally found the conclusive evidence of Barack Hussein Obama Soetoro Guevara Lumumba Hitler’s definite membership in the Islamic Death Cult: He was photographed throwing Muslim Gang Signs! There it is, right in the picture up there! Read more on Latest Proof Obama’s A Muslim: He Openly Possesses An Index Finger…
  A Noun A Verb A Dogwhistle

Rudy Giuliani: Hey, Did You Ever Notice Obama’s Not One Of Us? If You Know What I Mean?

9-11! Also, the blacks!
Apparently tired of being associated with competent mayoring on 9/11 and then never shutting up about it, former New York City Mayor Rudy Giuliani seems determined to reframe his legacy. Why he’d decide that acting like the Second Coming of Lester Maddox is a bit of a mystery, though. At a private dinner for Wisconsin Gov. Scott Walker Wednesday, Giuliani shared his suspicion that Barack Obama doesn’t really love America because he’s a weirdo foreigner. Giuliani was careful to note that he only pointed this out because he cares. Read more on Rudy Giuliani: Hey, Did You Ever Notice Obama’s Not One Of Us? If You Know What I Mean?…
  Are Those Extra Rounds Or Is The AC Set Too High?

Wingnut Lady Shoots Self Dead While Adjusting Boob-Gun

She was an active member of the Christian Motorcycle Association.
A minor official in the Michigan Republican Party who was found dead on New Year’s Day apparently did not take her own life. Instead, new information released Wednesday indicates that Christina Bond died while adjusting a gun in a bra holster. At least no toddlers were involved in this shooting. Read more on Wingnut Lady Shoots Self Dead While Adjusting Boob-Gun…
  The Walking Dumb

Glenn Beck Knows Why The Walking Dead Is A Hit: It’s The End Of The World And We Know It

Glenn Beck and some of his fans
The shambling, dead-eyed masses lurched forward, drawn, some singly, some in groups, by some inexplicable impulse, to gather in herds of ravening, senseless hunger. They surged mindlessly without stopping, emitting guttural incoherent moans. Bereft of reason, they fed ravenously on the remnants of civilization, destroying everything in their path. It was August 28, 2010, and Glenn Beck’s “Restoring Honor” rally at the Lincoln Memorial was a huge success. Frankly, we like Wonkette’s descriptor for it better: “Glenn Beck’s Miraculous Slob Picnic” Read more on Glenn Beck Knows Why The Walking Dead Is A Hit: It’s The End Of The World And We Know It…
  For I was A Stranger And You Kicked Me out Into The Snow

Columbus Super 8 Motel Has No Room At Inn For Good Samaritans’ Homeless Couple

Oh no, it's the kittens
Here’s a story to make you love humanity: George and Joyce Gruss were traveling through Columbus, Ohio, during the weekend’s snowstorm, stopped in at a fast food restaurant, and decided to help a homeless couple they met, paying for the couple to spend three nights at a Super 8 Motel so they wouldn’t have to stay outside in 9-degree weather. Isn’t that the spirit of generosity that makes America so exceptional? Read more on Columbus Super 8 Motel Has No Room At Inn For Good Samaritans’ Homeless Couple…
  the derp is as high as an elephant's eye

Oklahoma Won’t Let A.P. History Defame America No More

George Washington crossing the Red River
The War on Advanced Placement U.S. History (APUSH) racked up another successful squirmish Tuesday, as the Oklahoma House Education committee voted to ban any state funding of the classes, because APUSH is bad for America. Read more on Oklahoma Won’t Let A.P. History Defame America No More…