Author Archives: Doktor Zoom

Full Name: Doktor Zoom Website:
Info: Doktor Zoom Is the pseudonym of Marty Kelley, who lives in Boise, Idaho. He acquired his nym from a fan of Silver-Age comics after being differently punctual to too many meetings. He is not a medical doctor, although he has a real PhD (in Rhetoric and Composition).
  Burn That Mother Down

Hero Shows Removing Confederate Flag Mostly A Matter Of Pulling The Damned Thing Down

Always wear a helmet when tearing down a symbol of oppression
Meet your new national hero, Bree Newsome, of Raleigh, North Carolina, who was arrested Saturday morning for climbing the flagpole outside the South Carolina Statehouse in Columbia and taking down the Confederate flag, taking a rather more direct approach to the problem than Nikki “Brave Sir Nikki” Haley has. The New York Times notes that Newsome was “nearly halfway up the pole when a State Capitol police officer on routine patrol ordered her to come down. The authorities said the woman, who was wearing climbing gear, had ignored the command.” In a remarkable show of restraint, the cops did not shoot her for ignoring their commands, which suggests that our law enforcement officers is learning. Read more on Hero Shows Removing Confederate Flag Mostly A Matter Of Pulling The Damned Thing Down…
  the commentczar's in town

Deleted Comments Of The Week: The Illiterate, The Perverse, And The Deranged

Just try to keep the Yaks happy
The deleted comments game is a weird business — sometimes you can predict what topics will draw a lot of crazy comments — guns, Islam, and the Duggars, especially — and then sometimes, there’s a huge news story that doesn’t quite bring out nearly as much derp as we expected. For instance, we were sure that we’d be devoting most of this week’s Dear ShitFerBrains to this week’s Supreme Court decisions: Thursday’s Obamacare ruling and Friday’s complete destruction of America via Ghey Marrying. But apparently those were so traumatic that the Usual Crowd was too busy buying canned foods for the bunker and commiserating on rightwing sites. No doubt after the shock wears off, they’ll begin venturing to Wonkette to tell us precisely which torments we’ll all face in Hell. Ah, but we did hear a fair bit about the Confederate flag, so at least there’s that. Read more on Deleted Comments Of The Week: The Illiterate, The Perverse, And The Deranged…
  How Sweet The Sound

Barack Obama’s Eulogy For Charleston Victims Is Amazing, Graceful (Video)

Friday was an astonishing news day — it started with the Supreme Court rewriting the map of “states where gay marriage is legal.” And then midday, while we were all still euphoric over that, President Obama gave his eulogy for Rev. Clementa Pinckney, the pastor of Emanuel African Methodist Episcopal Church and a South Carolina state Senator, who was murdered last week, along with eight of his parishioners: Tywanza Sanders, Susie Jackson, Cynthia Hurd, Sharonda Coleman-Singleton, DePayne Middleton-Doctor, Ethel Lee Lance, Myra Thompson, and Rev. Daniel Lee Simmons, Sr. Read more on Barack Obama’s Eulogy For Charleston Victims Is Amazing, Graceful (Video)…
  Nearer My Derp To Thee

Nice Knowing Y’all, Louie Gohmert Says God’s Gonna Smite Us Now

Works way better than tinfoil
Well, America, it’s been a nice run, but it’s all done now, you realize, because the Supreme Court did Gay 9/11 all over us today. And who knows that better than Texas Congress-ballbearing Louie Gohmert, who had dire warnings for the once-great United States of America. Get ready, America: It’s Smitin’ Time. Read more on Nice Knowing Y’all, Louie Gohmert Says God’s Gonna Smite Us Now…
  So. Many. Idiots.

How GOP ‘Presidents’ Will Fail To Save America From Buttsex-Based Marriage

The spanking, it stung, YAY!
The Republican candidates for 2016 have spoken, and they are not one bit happy with all this gaiety today. Their reactions ranged from sadly resigned to reality, to promises to fight the decision forever — they will fight the gays in the fields and in the streets, fight them in the hills, but not fight them on the beaches because they might see a guy in a speedo and that would simply be too much — to saying nothing at all because they’re too busy crying, apparently. Read more on How GOP ‘Presidents’ Will Fail To Save America From Buttsex-Based Marriage…
  He Probably Thought He Had Until Monday Too

Obama Hearts Gay Marriage, Hates God

Now he deserves the title.
Barry Bamz is pretty OK with the Supreme Court’s decision on marriage equality today, saying in a Rose Garden speech that it was “a victory for America.” We can get behind that. Read more on Obama Hearts Gay Marriage, Hates God…
  Ugly Bag Of Mostly Spite

Maine Gov. Paul LePage Facing Impeachment For Alleged Blackmail, Being A-Hole

No, honey, the rats are just playing a little rough.
We’re all quite aware that Maine Gov. Paul LePage is a loathsome, petty asshole who wants to punish the poor and get his own way on everything. But we didn’t quite realize the Nixonian levels of pure spite the man is capable of until we learned that LePage threatened funding for a school for at-risk kids unless it dropped its job offer to a political opponent, Democratic House Speaker Mark Eves. And thanks to that very personal blackmail attempt against kids who don’t know a House Speaker from a subwoofer, LePage now faces possible impeachment. Read more on Maine Gov. Paul LePage Facing Impeachment For Alleged Blackmail, Being A-Hole…
  Sunday In The Park With George Wallace

If Tennessee Renames Park Honoring KKK Founder, ISIS Wins

If you put a different name on this, it's the same as blowing it up!
Now that Tennessee has murdered the Confederate flag on license plates, and is giving serious thought to removing a bust of Confederate general and founding KKK member Nathan Bedford Forrest from the Capitol building, some Democrats in the state legislature think maybe it would be a good idea to change the name of Nathan Bedford Forrest State Park. The park was established in 1963, when for some reason there was a regular mania for naming things after Confederate heroes, but now some people think there’s no good reason to sully a lovely recreational area with camping and hiking trails by keeping it named after a guy generally thought to be the Klan’s first Grand Wizard. Read more on If Tennessee Renames Park Honoring KKK Founder, ISIS Wins…
  Going Down With The Shithead

Ted Cruz Confuses Indiana’s Anti-Gay Law With The Alamo, Thinks He’s Davy Crockett

Killed him a Continuing Resolution when he was only three
Ted Cruz had some inspiring thoughts about the long-dead Indiana law that would have allowed open discrimination against LGBT people, wishing that more Republicans would have had the guts to make a stand for it, even if it had driven Indiana’s economy into the toilet. As his religious text, he provided a story from the Book of Texas, complaining that Democrats, Big Business, and The Gays had all mobbed up against the law, but that no Republicans had been willing to sacrifice themselves like the brave pro-slavery fighters at the Alamo. You have to understand: to a proud Albertan like Ted Cruz, everything reminds him of the Alamo. Or maybe the Frog Lake Massacre. Anyway, it all makes sense, at least to Ted Cruz: Read more on Ted Cruz Confuses Indiana’s Anti-Gay Law With The Alamo, Thinks He’s Davy Crockett…
  Hide Your Kids Hide Your Wife

Let’s Get Drunk On Republican Obamacare Tears, Together!

That's it, moving to Canada.
Ehrmagerd, the Surperm Curt upheard Abummacurr! This was not met on the right with universal approbation, although many Republicans were quietly breathing a sigh of relief that they won’t have to reveal that their ready-to-implement fix was really just a copy of the 1996 Houston Yellow Pages that they’d been lugging around in a briefcase. Read more on Let’s Get Drunk On Republican Obamacare Tears, Together!…
  Not The Sharpest Scimitar In The Drawer

Lindsey Graham Figures Charleston Shooter Must Be Some Kind Of Ay-Rab, Somehow

Here's one idea that will never work
Lindsey Graham is one of those people who lives out that old line about how when every problem looks like a nail, you turn dumb as a bag of hammers. Consider his brilliant observation in the Senate Wednesday on the murders in Charleston, in which he decided that the only possible explanation for Dylann Roof’s actions had to be that he was not even an American kind of killer. Read more on Lindsey Graham Figures Charleston Shooter Must Be Some Kind Of Ay-Rab, Somehow…
  But what about black-on-black crime???

Surprise, America, Your Worst Terrorists Are White Wingnuts!

Not an actual terrorist, just a sympathizer
Here’s something that’s sure to make wingnuts scream about reality’s liberal bias. A new study by the New America Foundation concludes that since 9/11, white rightwing terrorists have been far deadlier than jihadists. Unfair, of course to start counting after 9/11, because all terror begins and ends with 9/11. Also, Fox News is pretty sure there haven’t been any rightwing terrorist attacks at all, so you may want to take these think-tank guys with a grain of salt. Or gunpowder. Read more on Surprise, America, Your Worst Terrorists Are White Wingnuts!…
  Tomorrow Is Another Day

Sarah Palin Loses Fox News ‘Job’ Again, Guess She’ll Have To Find New ‘Job’

Wait, you're saying she was still on Fox? Huh.
Toll the bells, America, for an era, it endeth: Fox News will not renew Sarah Palin’s contract. Oh, how the mighty have fallen! Never again will Fox viewers ever see their Beloved on the telescreen, except for whenever she wants to show up as a non-contracted guest, which will probably be about as often as she actually “worked” for the network after it brought her back the second time: Read more on Sarah Palin Loses Fox News ‘Job’ Again, Guess She’ll Have To Find New ‘Job’…
  how to secede without really trying

Texas Separatists Find New Freedom-Loving President: Vladimir Putin

And don't let Oklahoma hit your ass on the way out
Turns out there’s a heck of a lot of support for Texas secession. Not so much in Texas — where, despite all Rick Perry’s talk of skedaddling, only about 18 percent of residents wanted to secede in 2009 — but in Russia, where there’s at least a lot of rhetorical support for Texas’s becoming America’s first Breakaway Republic. You sort of have to read Casey Michel’s wonderfully weird piece in Politico Magazine to believe it. Read more on Texas Separatists Find New Freedom-Loving President: Vladimir Putin…
  Stay Cool Boy

Saving Planet Would Save Lots Of Money Too, Go Figure!

Yeah, but that's just, like, your opinion, man
Looks like the socialist science fiends at Global Warming Hoax Headquarters have decided to fight dirty: Now they’re saying that preventing catastrophic climate change would actually cost a lot less money than just letting things go all to hell. That’s pretty underhanded, using science facts to appeal to people’s self-interest! A new EPA report, Climate Change in the United States: Benefits of Global Action, projects how the USA would benefit from international action to limit global temperature increases to 2 degrees Celsius above pre-industrial levels, versus the costs of allowing temperature increases to continue at current rates. It’s pretty impressive, until you remind yourself that scientists paid by the oil industry reassure us global warming is all just a myth. Read more on Saving Planet Would Save Lots Of Money Too, Go Figure!…
  Don't Know His Ass From A Hole In The Ground

America’s Worst Lawyer, Larry Klayman, Explains How Barack Obama Got Those Blacks Shot In Charleston

We should probably start calling him that. But we sort of like Begley.
Idiot bag of lawyer scrapings Larry Klayman took a brief break from his usual agenda of calling for the overthrow of illegal president Barack Hussein Obama last week so he could mourn the nine victims of the massacre in Charleston, South Carolina. Of course, he did his mourning at conspiracy clearinghouse WorldNetDaily, so he was contractually obliged to blame Barack Obama for the murders. You see, Obama is ultimately at fault for racism and racist hate crimers like Dylann Roof, because Obama has forced normal Americans to hate The Blacks a whole lot. Read more on America’s Worst Lawyer, Larry Klayman, Explains How Barack Obama Got Those Blacks Shot In Charleston…
  Drink Too Much And Laugh Too Loud

Confederate Flag Suddenly More Hated Than Donald Trump, Pubic Lice

Don't know our ass from a hole in the ground
So how about that Confederate flag? Now that it has a negative association for the first time ever, seems like everybody has decided to jump off the Confederate bandwagon, except of course for the diehard morons, of whom there are quite a few. Within hours of Gov. Nikki Haley’s call to remove the Confederate flag from the South Carolina Statehouse, a whole bunch of other Republicans suddenly realized they had permission to get rid of the goddamned thing, too. Mitt Romney actually did something good in his life! The next domino fell Monday night, when Mississippi’s Speaker of the House of Representatives, Philip Gunn, said it was time to remove the Confederate flag emblem from the state’s flag, too. Read more on Confederate Flag Suddenly More Hated Than Donald Trump, Pubic Lice…
  We Talk Real Funny Down Here

Walmart Wonders Where It Got All This Confederate Flag Merch

You can tell from the pixels
Suddenly the Confederate flag has become a bad thing, maybe, or at least a “controversial” one. Just one week ago, it was all about “Heritage Not Hate,” but as of Monday afternoon, it’s officially Problematic, because somebody just discovered that — are you sitting down? — some people have adopted it to promote hatred. Astonishing! South Carolina Gov. Nikki Haley learned that it was seen that way, and called for the flag to be removed from the state capitol, even though it was just fine last fall. And now, America’s greatest arbiter of taste, Walmart, has announced that it is shocked, shocked! to learn it has been selling items with the Confederate flag on them, and by golly, it’s going to stop selling them. Read more on Walmart Wonders Where It Got All This Confederate Flag Merch…
  Last Night I saw Lester Maddox On The TV

Fired White Supremacist Cop Seeks Confederate Support (U.S. Currency Only)

May not be negotiable outside LOS meetings
Last week we brought you the story of two cops in Anniston, Alabama, who lost their jobs with the police force because of their involvement with the racist neo-Confederate group the League of the South. One, Lt. Wayne Brown, resigned, and the other, Lt. Josh Doggrell, was fired. Now poor Josh Dogrell, clearly the victim of Political Correctness and anti-white hatred, is begging fellow bigots to give him money so he can sue — or at least have some bigot money. Read more on Fired White Supremacist Cop Seeks Confederate Support (U.S. Currency Only)…
  Whoopee We're All Gonna Die

Life On Earth Doomed, Everybody Panic. Or Go Shopping, Whatever

We won't even have to bother with nukes!
Excuse me, don’t want to alarm anyone, but it’s looking like we’re further along the road to the end of the current era of life on Earth than we thought. We’re not just talking about humanity dying off in a few hundred years; we’re talking Sixth Major Extinction stuff. Don’t worry, your stock portfolio will be fine. Just don’t invest in any thousand-year bonds, because a new study published in Science Advances, indicates that, “using extremely conservative assumptions,” extinctions of vertebrate species — that’s everything with a spine, from tree frogs to blue whales — are dying off at increasing rates. Biggest mass die-off of species since the dinosaurs. Life on the planet will undoubtedly continue, but we big clumsy mammals are probably goners: Read more on Life On Earth Doomed, Everybody Panic. Or Go Shopping, Whatever…