Author Archives: Doktor Zoom

Full Name: Doktor Zoom Website:
Info: Doktor Zoom Is the pseudonym of Marty Kelley, who lives in Boise, Idaho. He acquired his nym from a fan of Silver-Age comics after being differently punctual to too many meetings. He is not a medical doctor, although he has a real PhD (in Rhetoric and Composition).
  Farwell To The Keystone Kops Panzer Division

Mean Obama Won’t Let Cops Play With All Their Badass Military Toys

First they came for that camo, and I said nothing...
Just like some mean federal consumer agency taking away all the lawn darts, Killjoy-In-Chief Barack Obama has ended the practice of sending high-end surplus military equipment to local police departments, which is going to put a real damper on the Mayberry P.D.’s plans for an armored assault on Miss Jennifer and Miss Clarabelle’s still. The restrictions were recommended by a task force Obama created in January, which determined that police departments didn’t really need certain types of military-grade equipment, such as “tracked armored vehicles, the highest-caliber firearms and ammunition, and camouflage uniforms.” Read more on Mean Obama Won’t Let Cops Play With All Their Badass Military Toys…
  Inconceivable!

We Are Shocked To Learn That Bill O’Reilly Beated Up His Wife, Allegedly

Fuck it, we'll do it domestic abusively!
GUYS! You are not going to believe this, but it’s just possible that Bill O’Reilly, in addition to being a scummy liar who lies and bullies people and is generally the worst person ever, also allegedly assaulted his ex-wife sometime before the couple separated in 2010. O’Reilly and his former spouse, Maureen McPhilmy, have been fighting over custody of the couple’s two minor children; according to Gawker, the judge in the case awarded full custody to McPhilmy three weeks ago. While the court records are sealed, a “source familiar with the facts of the case” told Gawker: Read more on We Are Shocked To Learn That Bill O’Reilly Beated Up His Wife, Allegedly…
  with militias intent

Failed Congressional Candidate Planned To Kill Some Muslims As Love Offering To Sean Hannity

Those aren't crazy eyes at all, no sir
Let’s meet Robert Doggart, who ran last year as an independent for Tennessee’s 4th Congressional District (and lost rather badly, getting just 6.4 percent of the vote). But he’s not the sort of guy to just dabble in politics as a fringe candidate; he decided to face America’s problems head on, plotting to lead a militia attack on a Muslim community in New York, a bit of patriotic direct action that could get him five years in prison, which seems maybe a little light for planning an act of terrorism, but it’s not like he’s a jihadi or anything. Besides, we all know there are no rightwing terrorists. Read more on Failed Congressional Candidate Planned To Kill Some Muslims As Love Offering To Sean Hannity…
  This Is Working Very Well For Them

Fox News: Obama’s Wrong, We Hardly Ever Shame Those Lazy Poor Leeches

The Fox News Nuh-Uh Squad continues its response to President Obama’s cruel assertion that Fox portrays poor people as lazy leeches who sponge off government benefits. On Sunday’s MediaBuzz, Howard Kurtz and Brit Hume had a little chat about Obama’s latest assault on the defenseless cable network, and they agreed that Fox doesn’t portray the poor unfairly, because when Fox viewers think of poor people, they think of exactly the kind of poor people Fox shows, so there, and it’s unfair for the president to single Fox out like that, especially when he fails to acknowledge that it’s the poor’s fault that they’re poor. Read more on Fox News: Obama’s Wrong, We Hardly Ever Shame Those Lazy Poor Leeches…
  Let's See How They Blame This On Gay Marriage

9 Dead In Waco Biker Fight; Armed Society Not Quite So Polite

Almost certainly the fault of single mothers
Nine bikers were killed in a fight at a restaurant in Waco, Texas, Sunday, as rival motorcycle gangs fought each other over not much of anything. The violence has left observers wondering what it is about Texan people that leads them to such wanton violence; we’re waiting in vain for so-called “moderate Texans” to condemn the actions of the thugs within their midst. Read more on 9 Dead In Waco Biker Fight; Armed Society Not Quite So Polite…
  the commentczar's in town

Deleted Comments Of The Week: Welcome To The Cesspool Of Filth

No, *you're* the most basic of jokes.
It’s been a quiet week in the old deleted comments queue; we somehow managed not to trigger any long manifestos from wingnuts about sovereignty or the UN Agenda 21 plot to pollute and impurify our precious bodily fluids. We’ll try harder. We did get one notable tsk-tsk about our terrible conduct from “TheLongVersion,” who was not at all pleased with all the cruelty directed toward poor innocent George Zimmerman, who once again found himself in trouble last week: Read more on Deleted Comments Of The Week: Welcome To The Cesspool Of Filth…
  Sins Of Emissions

While We Were Filling Up Our Pickups, China Cut Greenhouse Gas A Whole Bunch

The LSD in the water supply may help, too
Some cautious good news on climate, maybe! China has reduced its emissions of greenhouse gases by a big whole lot, according to Greenpeace — about an 8 percent reduction in coal use in the first four months of 2015 compared to 2014. And because China is on the enormous side, as countries and economies go, those Chinese reductions in carbon dioxide equal to more than the total output of C02 in the UK for the same period. So yay, slight reduction in greenhouse gases for a limited period! It all helps. Read more on While We Were Filling Up Our Pickups, China Cut Greenhouse Gas A Whole Bunch…
  Why Do We Kill People...Because We Just Do

Boston Marathon Bomber Sentenced To Death, Terrorism Over Forever

Well that's taken care of, then
The jury in the Boston Marathon bombing trial has sentenced Dzhokhar Tsarnaev to death, which doesn’t make anyone killed in the attack come back to life, reattach any limbs, or take away any nightmares, but it does satisfy a primal need for vengeance, so there’s that. The bombing was horrific, and reading over our liveblog of that afternoon just reminds us of how numb we all felt, but also of the basic decency and humanity of the people who rushed into the chaos to help. Read more on Boston Marathon Bomber Sentenced To Death, Terrorism Over Forever…
  Derp Different

Jeb Bush Will Repeal Obamacare, Replace It With Apple Watches (Buy Your Own, Loser)

REPLY HAZY TRY AGAIN
“John Ellis Bush” Bush is pretty excited about how the Wonders of Technology could help make us all healthier and happier, like for instance how if everybody had an Apple watch, then they could start taking responsibility for themselves, and we could repeal Obamacare. Read more on Jeb Bush Will Repeal Obamacare, Replace It With Apple Watches (Buy Your Own, Loser)…
  And You Know That Notion Just Crossed His Mind

Speaker John Boehner Does Not Care For Your Stupid Railroad Safety Questions

Nina Paley liberates her inner Crumb
John Boehner is not going to just put up with reporters’ loaded questions about the safety of our railroads, dammit. Amtrak has plenty of money, and suggesting otherwise is just plain stupid, the Republican Speaker of the House insisted Thursday. Asked if there was any merit to the wacky idea that lack of funding for safety systems could have contributed to Wednesday’s deadly Amtrak crash in Philadelphia, the Boehner got quite testy indeed: Read more on Speaker John Boehner Does Not Care For Your Stupid Railroad Safety Questions…
  Death By Misadventure

Ted Nugent: Guns Don’t Kill THAT Many Kids, But What About Swimming Pools, Huh?

Still neither jailed nor dead
Ted Nugent has hit on a strategy that’s sure to end all calls for improving gun safety forever: Just say that the number of kids killed in accidental/irresponsible shootings is negligible, then point to something else that kills more people, and then, VOILA! No more liberals bitching about his precious guns! Read more on Ted Nugent: Guns Don’t Kill THAT Many Kids, But What About Swimming Pools, Huh?…
  You Got Fetus In My Vaccine!

Pro-Lifers Will Not Have California Putting Dead Babies In All The Vaccines

And chewy nougat
Of the many claims made by anti-vaxxers, we have to admit this one is new to us: A group that opposes both abortion and vaccinations insists that California needs to keep its vaccine exemption for “personal and religious beliefs” because if it doesn’t, then children of good decent Christians will be forced to get injected with aborted baby parts! It’s now something of a moot point, because the California Senate passed the bill Thursday, although it’s still not clear whether Gov. Jerry Brown will sign it. Read more on Pro-Lifers Will Not Have California Putting Dead Babies In All The Vaccines…
  I Slam You Slam We All Slam Islam!

Muslim-Hatin’ Rep. Steve King Sure There’s No Discrimination Against Muslims

Hey, he's not denying anyone a job right there, so he's cool
Iowa congressprick Steve “No I’m not the Novelist” King is disgusted — disgusted! — at the warped priorities of Homeland Security Secretary Jeh Johnson, who said in February that he would “give voice to the plight of Muslims living in this country and the discrimination that they face.” King thinks that’s a pretty weird thing to say, since, as far as Steve King knows, Muslim-Americans simply don’t face any discrimination. Read more on Muslim-Hatin’ Rep. Steve King Sure There’s No Discrimination Against Muslims…
  Goin' Off The Rails On A Crazy Train

Who Caused That Amtrak Crash? Oh, Just The Gays

Maybe we can blame gay marriage.
Here’s a moment that’s more than a little iconic of what’s gone wrong with politics in your 2015 America: Within a few hours of the Amtrak crash in Philadelphia, House Republicans voted to cut Amtrak’s budget by about 20 percent. While they were at it, they rejected a Democratic attempt to increase funds to put in place a safety system that almost certainly would have prevented the crash. Read more on Who Caused That Amtrak Crash? Oh, Just The Gays…
  None Dare Call It Stupid

Oath-Keepers Founder: Let’s Hang John McCain For Being Hitler

In a better, stronger America, this sticker would be larger. Damn you, John McCain!
Hey, what are those charming Oath Keepers up to this week, as part of their Keeping of Oaths? How about the anti-government militia group’s founder, Stewart Rhodes, calling for Sen. John McCain to be tried for treason for his many crimey crimes and then “hung by the neck until dead,” maybe? Or in Militia-land, just another day of protecting America from its own elected government. Read more on Oath-Keepers Founder: Let’s Hang John McCain For Being Hitler…
  Somewhere Somehow Somebody Must Have Kicked You Around Some

Rand Paul: Why Help Iraqi Refugees? We Won, So Suck It, Losers.

Everybody has to fight to be free, you see
Libertarian Superstar Rand Paul brought his trademark “Every issue must be discussed like a 2 AM bull session in the Objectivist Dorm” sensibilities to the issue of resettling Iraqi refugees, explaining that we don’t need to help those people, because for godssake, we won the war over there. Doesn’t anyone remember how we won that war? Read more on Rand Paul: Why Help Iraqi Refugees? We Won, So Suck It, Losers….
  Seems Like These Isolated Incidents Just Keep Piling Up

Sovereign Citizen Sends Jews Fake Anthrax Letters, Jews Don’t Get Obvious Joke

Let's say it together: He seems nice
In yet another completely isolated incident, a rightwing nutjob and self-identified “Sovereign Citizen” has been arrested for sending some amusing Passover gifts to a couple of Jewish targets in Boulder, Colorado. Jeffrey Klinkel, our patriotic hero of the day, was arrested Friday on “two counts of felony menacing, explosive hoax and interference with a school facility” in the April 6 incident in which he allegedly sent envelopes containing white powder to Boulder’s Jewish Community Center and to a synagogue, Congregation Har HaShem. The community center — including a preschool — was evacuated, and the employees who opened the envelope were quarantined. Looks like yet another attempted rightwing terrorist attack for Fox News to not remember. Read more on Sovereign Citizen Sends Jews Fake Anthrax Letters, Jews Don’t Get Obvious Joke…
  Are There No Jerk Houses?

Fox News Has Thoughts On Obama’s ‘Leeches’ Speech. They Are Bad Thoughts!

Tell 'em about the talents again
Oh, there goes Barack Obama again, beating up on the crusading journalists of Fox News for having the guts to selectively depict poor people as terrible leeches. At a Georgetown University event Tuesday, Obama said media narratives have presented a skewed image of poor people, because outrage sells: Read more on Fox News Has Thoughts On Obama’s ‘Leeches’ Speech. They Are Bad Thoughts!…
  All That And Not A Word About Admiral Allahu Ackbar?

Fine, Sure, Star Wars Is Muslim, Whatever. Live Long And Prosper, Weirdo.

Finding this may have been the best part of writing this piece
CNN brought us a rather fun thinky piece Tuesday, making a case for the possible Islamic underpinnings of the Star Wars films — except that it’s not making that case at all, and is mostly an excuse for a scholar who knows more than a thing or two about Islam (and not quite as much about Star Wars) to do some Deep Trolling. As a close reading of the movies, the piece, by H.A. Hellyer, makes for a pretty fair freshman essay in introductory Media Studies; as satire, it’s pretty much got one joke, which doesn’t really work so great, but hey, it’s an excuse to talk about politics and Star Wars again, so why not? Read more on Fine, Sure, Star Wars Is Muslim, Whatever. Live Long And Prosper, Weirdo….
  Unleash The 'Laying Pipe' Jokes

Iowa Farmer Won’t Sell Land To Oil Company For One Lousy Whore

New frontiers in bad photoshopping!
This post supported by a grant from the Patty Dumpling Endowed Chair for coverage of oil spills, pipelines, fracking, and Dear God What Is This About Whores? The Keystone XL pipeline isn’t quite dead yet, even though Barack Obama personally strangled it (sort of) back in February. There’s no shortage of other pipelines being prepared to leak all over this great land, and the oil industry is working on some inventive new methods of persuasion when it comes to getting the filthy things. If money doesn’t work, how about offering landowners some prostitutes, maybe? Or at least, that’s what — um, whom? — was on offer from a land agent for the proposed Bakken Pipeline, according to southeast Iowa farmer Hughie Tweedie, who says that he has recordings of two conversations in which the land agent offered him the services of “an 18-year-old prostitute” in exchange for the right to lay some pipe on Tweedie’s property. In a news conference at the Iowa statehouse in Des Moines Monday, Hughie said, “On these recordings you will hear evidence of my senior pipeline representative offering me not once, not twice, but three times the sexual services of a woman, the last time being a $1200 teenage prostitute.” Read more on Iowa Farmer Won’t Sell Land To Oil Company For One Lousy Whore…
  Follow The Money...And Hold Your Nose

Big Oil: All Your Tax Dollars Are Belong To Us

Worth every penny
This post supported by a grant from the Patty Dumpling Endowed Chair for coverage of oil spills, pipelines, fracking, and subsidizing our own demise via Global Warming Just in case you were wondering, America is still shoveling huge amounts of taxpayer money at fossil fuel companies, because without tax incentives, the poor dears would be unable to turn a profit. Or at least, unable to pile up higher record profits. And we’d never have any jobs ever again! Or something. The Guardian brings us a fun investigation of just a few of the wonderful ways in which the world’s richest corporations are receiving big taxpayer bucks — and would you believe the subsidies for each of the three projects they looked at just happened to be pushed by politicians who received nice fat campaign contributions from the oil industry? You would? Gosh, that’s pretty cynical of you. Keep it up. Read more on Big Oil: All Your Tax Dollars Are Belong To Us…