Author Archives: Doktor Zoom

Full Name: Doktor Zoom Website:
Info: Doktor Zoom Is the pseudonym of Marty Kelley, who lives in Boise, Idaho. He acquired his nym from a fan of Silver-Age comics after being differently punctual to too many meetings. He is not a medical doctor, although he has a real PhD (in Rhetoric and Composition).
  Servile Whites Movement

‘No Racial Slurs’ Rule At Confederate Rally Worked Out As Well As You’d Expect

It's about a heritage of resistance to tariffs
So a few hundred supporters of the Treason Flag rallied at Stone Mountain, Georgia, the (re)birthplace of the modern KKK, and despite the organizers’ explicit warning that there should be “no racial slurs,” since the Liberal Media would be watching, it turns out that some folks just couldn’t help themselves, but only because they were provoked by agitators who were offensively black and/or liberal communist scum. Read more on ‘No Racial Slurs’ Rule At Confederate Rally Worked Out As Well As You’d Expect…
  Or you Could Try 'Love It Or Leave It'

Wingnuts Want Very Own Sanctuary Cities Where Gay Abortions Can’t Hurt Them

Noooo! Even Jebus has those rainbow thingies!
In what has to be either an amazing coincidence or the result of a drunken late night conference call, two different rightwing Christianists have suddenly proposed the idea of establishing “Sanctuary Cities” where Christians can be safe from oppression, free to pass laws against abortion and gay marriage, liberated from tyrannical Supreme Court decisions they don’t like. This seems like a perfectly reasonable solution, because if there’s one thing America’s about, it’s local freedom to ignore the Constitution. Read more on Wingnuts Want Very Own Sanctuary Cities Where Gay Abortions Can’t Hurt Them…
  What If He Defunded Planned Parenthood And ACORN At the Same Time?

Bobby Jindal Sticks It To Planned Parenthood By Screwing The Poors

And just wait til you see the lovely menstrual huts that'll bve replacing Planned Parenthood. Right out of Leviticus!
Poor Bobby Jindal. Not going to be president. Not going to make the first debate. Not even likely to stay in the primaries past South Carolina, assuming he gets that far. But maybe, if he can make some grand gestures, he’ll capture the imagination of the teabagger wing and be the GOP’s wonder boy again, like he was before he made an ass of himself with that State of the Union response where people thought he was aspiring to become an actual pine 2X4. Maybe something dramatic, like taking bold action against Planned Parenthood to punish them for running a used fetus-parts brokerage? That might do it. And so on Monday the governor of Louisiana took decisive action, canceling the state’s Medicaid contract with Planned Parenthood, so that the organization that does so much harm to Louisiana’s precious little babbies will be stopped from its infernal deeds. A brave stand, and just the thing to recapture Wingnut America’s heart. Read more on Bobby Jindal Sticks It To Planned Parenthood By Screwing The Poors…
  Remember When 'U.S. Out of My Uterus' was Just A Slogan?

Mike Huckabee Will Send Very Tiny Army Men Right Into Your Cooch

True fact: there are no women's clinics in Tiananmen Square. Do you want that for America?
Mike Huckabee, apparently still feeling the effects of that deep hit he took from the Trump Pipe last week, is saying some more insane shit. Not only is the Iran nuclear deal the Holocaust, now he’s hinting that, as president (HAH!) he’d maybe consider using the FBI and U.S. military to stop abortion once and for all. How’s that for your War on Women? It’s nice to see a candidate so willing to take a metaphor and drag it — by military force if necessary — into reality. Read more on Mike Huckabee Will Send Very Tiny Army Men Right Into Your Cooch…
  New Genocide Needed So Wingnuts Can Find Fresh Metaphor

Watch Erick Erickson Shove This Coat Hanger Up GOP’s Vagina!

Little angel babies!
. Perpetual rage machine and Fox News contributor Erick Erickson is really, really mad that Planned Parenthood is getting rich off trafficking in murdered baby parts (which it isn’t, but shut up, he knows it is). Not only is he demanding a government shutdown if funding for Planned Parenthood isn’t immediately aborted, he also says that if the GOP doesn’t have the huevos to completely bring government to a halt over a bunch of misleadingly edited videos, then it’s damn well time for conservatives to destroy the Republican Party. More. Maybe they could start a whole new party just for anti-abortion absolutists, with a bloody fetus hanging on a cross for its symbol. Read more on Watch Erick Erickson Shove This Coat Hanger Up GOP’s Vagina!…
  Yooge Classy Foreign Workers

Donald Trump Imports Waitstaff From Mexico, To Keep An Eye On Them Probably

There's a Mexican import right there!
The greatest jobs president God ever created is doing a fantastic job of creating jobs in America, even before he’s president. Donald Trump’s hotels and resorts have been especially good at creating jobs for foreign workers, according to an investigation by Reuters published Sunday. Not that this in any way contradicts his promise to bring all the jobs back from China and Mexico, because Donald Trump had a really good reason for getting visas for all those foreigners: They were cheaper, like the immigrant workers building his hotel in Washington DC. Look, the guy’s a businessman, and maybe China made him do it, just like it forced him to make his crappy Trump-branded clothing line in China. And if Donald Trump were president, this outrageous practice would stop, unless it were still profitable. Read more on Donald Trump Imports Waitstaff From Mexico, To Keep An Eye On Them Probably…
  the commentczar's in town

Deleted Comments: A Real Marine In National Security Warns Wonkette To Leave Iran

OK, so maybe it's not THIS Marine...
Funny how it all works out: Even during a week when our little mommyblog, recipe hub, and ugly vile little snark mob was brought low by server issues for a day and then some, we had an astonishing number of deleted comments, mostly thanks to 1) an idiot dentist with blood lust (no, not Jack Nicholson in Little Shop of Horrors OR Lawrence Olivier in Marathon Man) and 2) A few really determined trolls on other stories. Let’s get straight to the latter, a garrulous fellow simply named “Ben,” who warned us that Morgan Freeman is lying to America about the Iran nuclear deal: Read more on Deleted Comments: A Real Marine In National Security Warns Wonkette To Leave Iran…
  Get Your Nerd On

None To Beam Up Just Yet: Your Saturday Nerdout

'I've got the strangest feeling that my face wants to sit down'
Happy Saturday, nerdlings! We have all sorts of geeky goodies for you today, so warm up your Oscillation Overthrusters, make sure you have enough gigawatts for your flux capacitors, and have another cup of coffee. Also, you may as well give up on any hope that you’ll get a decent cup of tea from Zaphod Beeblebrox. It ain’t gonna happen. Read more on None To Beam Up Just Yet: Your Saturday Nerdout…
  What The Internet Is For

Liberal Trolls Helpfully Improve Southern Pride Facebook Page, With Old Gay Dicks

Nicely played
There is a terrible and wonderful thing about Facebook: Its security settings are supposed to give you lots of control over your account, but you have to be careful, especially if you’re running a group, about who you give administrator access to. Like for instance if you’re running a pro-Confederate flag group, and you are won over by a charming person who talks a lot about his southern heritage and how much the flag means to him, and he turns out to be a liberal with a wicked sense of humor who, once given admin privileges, kicks out all the other admins and renames the group “LGBT Southerners for Michelle Obama and Judaism.” And what follows is a beautiful thing, possibly even better than the people who throw goats all over rightwing Facebook pages. Or at least as good — we don’t want to stir up discord, so we’ll just say both are excellent. Read more on Liberal Trolls Helpfully Improve Southern Pride Facebook Page, With Old Gay Dicks…
  He's A Pretty Smart Guy

Donald Trump Will Repeal Obamacare, Replace It With Terrific Fence

Why don't you pass the time in the ER with a game of solitaire?
Donald Trump has the YOOGEST, CLASSIEST plan ever to replace Obamacare, and it’s going to be so incredible, it will probably blow his already-perfect plans for defeating ISIS out of the water, that’s how good it is. On CNN this week, Trump outlined his detailed plans for getting rid of Obamacare: “It’s gotta go … Repeal and replace with something terrific.” But lest you think that’s a bit short on detail, he also explained that TrumpCare would rely on the free market, and would allow people to buy insurance in any state they want. But for people who can’t afford private insurance, he’s no monster; he’d take decisive action: Read more on Donald Trump Will Repeal Obamacare, Replace It With Terrific Fence…
  'Slumber 101' Instruction Book Not Included

Ted Cruz Tells Obama And Clinton To Stop Rubbing Their Lithe Bodies All Over Islamic Tyrants

Why is Obama so afraid of this man?
Ted Cruz has apparently had enough of all the Hitler rhetoric over the Iran nukes deal, and is now suggesting that Barack Obama, Hillary Clinton, and John Kerry want to have a hot swinger foursome with Iran and maybe even a big ol’ sex-pile with other Enemies Of America. Read more on Ted Cruz Tells Obama And Clinton To Stop Rubbing Their Lithe Bodies All Over Islamic Tyrants…
  The Battle Of Bunk Hill

Wingnuts Win! AP History Exam Will Only Pass Patriot Kids Who Know America Is Perfect

Still stoked that Chris Hayes used this back in February.
We’re not sure it’s as huge a capitulation as Barack Obama’s complete surrender to Iran, but it looks like there may be Peace In Our Time in at least one theater of the Culture Wars. After a year of rightwing complaints that the revised Advanced Placement U.S. History (APUSH) exam was teaching high school students to hate America and maybe join ISIS, the College Board has given in and announced some changes to the exam that are intended to placate the whiny titty babies who don’t seem to understand what “Advanced Placement” means. The exam framework for 2015 will add a section on “American Exceptionalism” and add additional questions that name Big Heroes like George Washington, Benjamin Franklin, and Thomas Jefferson, whose names you might suppose students would have encountered before taking an AP class (and who would of course have been covered in any class — it’s just that they weren’t named in the framework, which instead focused on larger themes. This drove wingnuts crazy and led them to claim that the Founders had been “removed” from the teaching of history). The College Board is still saying some pretty nasty things about God’s Own America, however. The new framework includes pretty much the same number of references to slavery as the 2014 version, and it turns out we still interned Japanese-Americans during WW II. Read more on Wingnuts Win! AP History Exam Will Only Pass Patriot Kids Who Know America Is Perfect…
  Could Someone Please Use A Stalin Analogy For Variety?

Auschwitz Museum To Rename Itself ‘Nothing Compared To Obama’s Iran Deal’ Museum

Don't assume the Iran deal is a Shoah thing
In the days since Mike Huckabee’s fascinating, totally new strategy of calling Barack Obama Hitler for negotiating a freeze on Iran’s nuclear arms program (which can never work because Iran is Nazi Germany), the Republican Party has rediscovered just how heady that metaphor is, with an enthusiasm not seen since the halcyon Teabag Summer of 2009, when Obama was Hitler for making people get health insurance. Only now, as Huckabee himself explained, it’s totally different, because there are Real Jews who will get Holocausted by Iran! And never mind whether actual Jews are offended by the comparison, because after all, the Jews went and let themselves get killed in 1939-1945 anyway, so they probably need a Baptist preacher to explain things for them. It should be no surprise that Republicans are running to jump on the bandwagon — or maybe it’s more of a Panzerkampfwagen — to sagely proclaim that yes indeed, Barack Obama is pretty much Hitler, Chamberlain, or maybe both of them plus Adolf Eichmann, just itching to send all the Jews to Auschwitz, now that he’s given Iran the Sudetenland and the Bomb. Which they were going to get if there hadn’t been a nuke deal, but somehow actually limiting their nuke program is worse. Read more on Auschwitz Museum To Rename Itself ‘Nothing Compared To Obama’s Iran Deal’ Museum…
  2060 Protest Sign: Keep Government Out Of My Obamacare!

Medicare Turns 50, F*ck You Zombie Reagan

Today’s a special birthday! Fifty years ago today, Medicare and Medicaid were signed into law by that notorious communist, Lyndon Johnson. As a special treat, here’s Ronald Reagan telling us in 1961 that Medicare would inevitably lead to a socialist takeover of America, and by golly, he was right! Here we are, 50 years later, living under the thumb of a communist dictatorship, as oppressed Americans demand the government keep its filthy hands off their Medicare. Have any of you Olds taken the time to tell your children about how nice America was in 1965, when men were still free? Read more on Medicare Turns 50, F*ck You Zombie Reagan…
  We Sure Are Tired Of All These Isolated Incidents

Cincinnati Campus Cop Actually Charged With Murdering Black Guy On Camera, Weird

It’s not every day that you see a prosecutor describe a cop’s deadly actions as “a senseless, asinine shooting.” But that’s what Hamilton County prosecuting attorney Joseph T. Deters called the killing of Samuel Dubose, who was shot to death July 19 during a traffic stop. Ray Tensing, the University of Cincinnati campus policeman who shot Dubose, was indicted Wednesday on charges of murder and voluntary manslaughter. And like the shooting of Walter Scott in North Charleston, South Carolina, the murder charges almost certainly wouldn’t have happened had the incident not been captured on video. Guess we have to take back a lot of our fears of Big Brother: The surveillance state is starting to look like the only way white cops will ever be prosecuted for shooting black people. Read more on Cincinnati Campus Cop Actually Charged With Murdering Black Guy On Camera, Weird…
  You Kiss Your Mama With That Mouth?

Rules For Commenting Radicals: The Lion-Killer Update

Do not risk the wrath of the moderators
People, we have to talk. About this lion-killing asshole, who is an asshole, and who deserves our scorn. And yes, our headline for the piece did indeed include an imperative, inviting you to rage at the lion-killing asshole. But no, we did not suspend the rules that help make Wonkette a fun, reasonably civil — albeit thoroughly debauched, in a GOOD way — little web community, mommyblog, recipe hub, and Nerd magnet. Read more on Rules For Commenting Radicals: The Lion-Killer Update…