Author Archives: Doktor Zoom

Full Name: Doktor Zoom Website:
Info: Doktor Zoom Is the pseudonym of Marty Kelley, who lives in Boise, Idaho. He acquired his nym from a fan of Silver-Age comics after being differently punctual to too many meetings. He is not a medical doctor, although he has a real PhD (in Rhetoric and Composition).
  Reading Is Fundament-al

High School Teacher Canned For Teaching Allen Ginsberg’s Filthy Buttsechs Poetry

Bias Confession: I think Howl is a wee bit overrated
The children of South Windsor, Connecticut, are at long last safe from the pernicious influence of David Olio, who has been forced to resign as an English teacher at South Windsor High School after showing a video of Allen Ginsberg reading his poem “Please, Master” to his Advanced Placement English class in February. The poem, which is definitely not rated PG, apparently upset some students enough that they complained to their parents, so the school suspended and then moved to fire Olio, who had taught at the high school since 1996. Read more on High School Teacher Canned For Teaching Allen Ginsberg’s Filthy Buttsechs Poetry…
  Maybe DuPont Had A Discount Coupon

DuPont Chemical Plant Kills 4 Employees, Pays $99,000 Fine. That’ll Learn ‘Em.

Chemical Plant Workers: $25K Each (Cheap!)
Just in case you were wondering, the official worth of a chemical-plant worker’s life is just a skosh under $25,000. That’s the word from the U.S. Occupational Safety and Health Administration (OSHA) in its decision to fine a Dupont chemical plant in La Porte, Texas, a whopping $99,000 for safety violations that killed four workers in November 2014. At the time of the accident, which involved a release of poisonous methyl mercaptan gas used in the making of insecticides, people were astonished that the plant management seemed to have no idea exactly what was going on or just how toxic the gas was — as Rachel Maddow reported, the fumes were so bad that local firefighters had to abandon a search and rescue attempt because their respirators were insufficient to protect them. Read more on DuPont Chemical Plant Kills 4 Employees, Pays $99,000 Fine. That’ll Learn ‘Em….
  Erin Go Fabulous

Ireland Throatcrams Itself With Marriage Equality, Shoots Gay Rainbows All Over Dublin

Beats lightning bolts
Congratulations, Ireland, it’s looking like you’ve made history as the first nation to choose marriage equality through a national referendum. While the official announcement isn’t in yet, the early tallies have “Yes” winning by wide margins, with nationwide turnout over 60% for the referendum (American turnout for the 2012 presidential election was only 57.5 percent, for what that’s worth). It’s not only supporters of the measure predicting a win; David Quinn of the Catholic group the Iona Institute, which campaigned against the referendum, said it was “obviously a very impressive victory for the ‘yes’ side”. Apparently, not many Irish folks thought it was necessary to protect The Children from the “sounds of sodomy.” Read more on Ireland Throatcrams Itself With Marriage Equality, Shoots Gay Rainbows All Over Dublin…
  Not One Of These People Is A Duggar

Pervy Virginia Dem Who Won Election From Jail Will Marry Teen Secretary, Rule Galaxy

Nothing weird in this relationship, no sir.
In a pleasant change of pace, here’s a reminder that there are lots of gross people out there whose last name doesn’t rhyme with “fugger”: Weird former member of the Virginia House of Delegates Joe Morrissey is getting married to the teenaged receptionist with whom he fathered a babby. Despite pleading no contest to a misdemeanor charge of contributing to the delinquency of a minor last year, Morrissey insists that he and his bride-to-be, Myrna Pride, never did the nasty until she was very definitely of age. Ms. Pride also said, at a press appearance where they announced their plans to marry, “I never engaged in a sexual [act] with Mr. Morrissey until I was of legal age,” so all of you people should just shut up now. Which sort of makes you wonder why he’d take a plea deal to avoid felony charges resulting from both the relationship and from showing pornographic photos of Pride to a friend. Read more on Pervy Virginia Dem Who Won Election From Jail Will Marry Teen Secretary, Rule Galaxy…
  When You're In A Hole Stop Dugging

Hey, Remember All The Times Those Duggars Warned Us How Evil Gays Threaten Children?

Dirty sex crimer or just a asshole?
Now that gross admitted child molester Josh Duggar has been outed as a gross hypocrite who molested his own sisters, we thought it might be useful to bring you a quick recap of some of the Duggar family’s noteworthy warnings about the Evils Of Homosexuality, which is a threat to YOUR FAMILY. Read more on Hey, Remember All The Times Those Duggars Warned Us How Evil Gays Threaten Children?…
  they took an oaf

Oregon ‘Oath Keepers’ Declare Victory Over Federal Jackbooted Thugs, Go Home

Flawless Victory!
Back in April, a whole bunch of excitable folks with rifles and Gadsden flags started converging on Josephine County in southwest Oregon to protect a small gold mining operation from the tyranny of an out-of-control Federal Gobvernment bent on trampling individual rights beneath the jackbooted heels of oppression. Or, in sane-people terms, the Bureau of Land Management had sent the guys who owned the mining claim a letter telling them to stop development of the mine, because the BLM contended that surface rights to the parcel of land belonged to the federal government, not the miners. The letter sent one of the mine’s two owners, Rick Barclay, into a panic, because he was sure the Feds would show up at any moment and burn down the cabin and other buildings on the mining site, the way the Feds always do, and so Barclay asked the local chapter of the paramilitary anti-government group Oath Keepers for help, and pretty soon self-proclaimed “Constitutional Activists” from all over the country were streaming into Oregon, ready for an armed standoff with Federal Jackboots and maybe, this time at last, a real start to the Second American Revolution. Read more on Oregon ‘Oath Keepers’ Declare Victory Over Federal Jackbooted Thugs, Go Home…
  We all got slimed

Congrats, Santa Barbara! You Got Oiled By One Of America’s Slimiest Pipeline Companies!

You can still see some sand, so it's not that bad.
This post supported by a grant from the Patty Dumpling Endowed Chair for coverage of oil spills, oil industry nastiness, and coastal sliming. So here’s the good news about Tuesday’s oil spill in Santa Barbara County, California: It’s nothing compared to the 1969 offshore drilling accident that fouled hundreds of square miles of ocean. That one was the third-worst oil spill in U.S. history, while Tuesday’s spill was a mere wet fart of a spill, with only about 105,000 gallons of oil spilled, of which a piddling 21,000 gallons went into the coastal waters. (There, that’s our “minimizing disaster” tryout for the Heartland Institute blogging job. Wish us luck!) Read more on Congrats, Santa Barbara! You Got Oiled By One Of America’s Slimiest Pipeline Companies!…
  our well regulated militia

Mike Huckabee Will Save Gun Owners From Tyranny Of Learning How To Shoot Guns

This is what 'clearing the chamber' means, right?
Mike Huckabee visited a gun range in Johnston, Iowa, Tuesday so he could check off “Did Second Amendment Stuff” on his campaign checklist. And while he was there, he explained that he’s not especially worried about whether gun owners actually have any training in using their weapons, because for heaven’s sake, if the Founders had wanted the militia to be well-regulated, surely they’d have said something about it somewhere, maybe. Read more on Mike Huckabee Will Save Gun Owners From Tyranny Of Learning How To Shoot Guns…
  Also Won't Go In Against A Sicilian When Death Is On The Line

Shifty Barack Obama Won’t Even Admit He Invented ISIS

Oh, *that*...
Barack Obama is fairly sure he’s learned the lesson of the Iraq War, even if Republican presidential candidates are still working on figuring out what it was (Lesson: Stop asking about 2003 and blame Obama). In an interview with The Atlantic’s Jeffrey Goldberg published Thursday, Obama notes that he thought the Iraq war was a bad idea in 2003 — even knowing what we knew then. Read more on Shifty Barack Obama Won’t Even Admit He Invented ISIS…
  Global Worming

Jeb Bush: People Need To Stop Being So Uppity About Climate Science

Honestly, what do we know, even?
Jeb Bush has had just about enough of these people who think that science actually proves anything, and he’s not going to let Barack Obama get away with arrogantly telling people that climate change is real, or that we know why it’s happening. So Wednesday, after the President devoted much of his commencement address at the Coast Guard Academy to discussing the national security implications of climate change, Bush just couldn’t hold his tongue anymore, and not just because he had slobber all over his fingers again. Climate change may be real, Bush said, but let’s not get carried away and treat it like a significant priority or anything. Read more on Jeb Bush: People Need To Stop Being So Uppity About Climate Science…
  B Movie Plots Are Not Good Governance

Let’s Get Waco Biker Gangs To Shoot Up The Muslims, How About That?

This oughta be GOOD
It takes a special kind of mind to look at the madness of Sunday’s Great Big Waco Biker Massacre and see an opportunity for directing all that hatred elsewhere, which is why we admire the ingenuity of this brilliant idea from Sandy Rios, radio gabber for the American Patriarchy Association. Instead of just letting America’s outlaw biker gangs’ energy go to waste with internecine fighting, why not use the Magic Of Jesus to turn those bad boys to the right side of the law, and then let them direct their aggression toward some people who really need to be shot and stabbed and stuff, like drug dealers and jihadis? Read more on Let’s Get Waco Biker Gangs To Shoot Up The Muslims, How About That?…
  Louie Louie...A Me Gotta Goh-Mert

Congressdolt Louie Gohmert: Iraq War Was A Mistake Because Obama Has Boner For Our Enemies

Just pump it a few times and we'll get that thought out, 'kay?
Texas congressoaf Louie Gohmert offered a new variation on this week’s popular “Was The Iraq War A Good Idea” theme Tuesday, explaining that if George W. Bush had only known he’d be succeeded by the Very Bad President Barack Obama, he never would have invaded Iraq, because Barack Obama loves ISIS and wants to gay-marry ISIS and have a bunch of ISIS terrorist babies with ISIS. Read more on Congressdolt Louie Gohmert: Iraq War Was A Mistake Because Obama Has Boner For Our Enemies…
  I Saw Mommy Choked By Papa Bear

Now Even Court Transcripts Are Lying About How Bill O’Reilly Maybe Beated Up His Wife

He seems nice.
Just a couple days after the story broke of Bill O’Reilly’s alleged abuse of his ex-wife, Maureen McPhilmy, court transcripts have surfaced that appear to support the allegation that Bill O’Reilly assaulted McPhilmy in front of their daughter several years ago. Gawker ran excepts from the transcripts of the child custody trial in which McPhilmy was recently awarded custody of the couple’s two teenaged children. The transcripts cover the testimony of psychologist Larry Cohen, who was assigned by the court to interview all four members of the family: Billo, McPhilmy, and their two kids. Read more on Now Even Court Transcripts Are Lying About How Bill O’Reilly Maybe Beated Up His Wife…
  Nobody Said The Law Has To Be Equal Did They?

Prosecutor Says Latino Wife-Beaters Are Cool, As Long As They Beat Their Own Kind

Because there really aren't any funny illustrations for this topic
Back in 2000, Congress did a good thing. It made it possible for undocumented immigrants who were victims of domestic violence to get a special visa — called “U visa” — to encourage victims to come forward and get help. It’s a pretty smart program, except it has one little problem: Local prosecutors decide whether to process the victim’s applications, and some local prosecutors are assholes, like the district attorney for Gaston County, North Carolina, who has the Ultimate Southern DA name of Locke Bell. Mr. Bell decided, all on his own, to reject a U visa application from a pregnant woman whose boyfriend punched her in the stomach, and he offered this flawless reason: He’s pretty sure the law “was never intended to protect Latinos from Latinos.” Why, that’s just silly — only commies think illegal immigrants are real people. Read more on Prosecutor Says Latino Wife-Beaters Are Cool, As Long As They Beat Their Own Kind…
  An Armed Society is a Bullet-Riddled Society

After Waco Shootout, Know What Texas Needs? More Guns EVERYWHERE!

This is silly. The real Texas vending machines include some revolvers.
On Sunday, Waco, Texas played host to a guns-and-knives ballet performance by the Bandidos and Cossacks motorcycle clubs, leaving 9 dead, 18 injured, and 170 in jail. On Monday, the Texas Senate debated HB 910, a bill that would allow open carry of handguns just about everywhere in the state. Also up for consideration is SB 11, which would allow concealed carry of weapons on college campuses. There is no connection at all between the shootout and the pending legislation, because shut up is why. Read more on After Waco Shootout, Know What Texas Needs? More Guns EVERYWHERE!…
  Triumph Of The Wal

Walmart Training Video Will Scare You Away From Evil Mean Unions Forever

Nice minimum wage job you got here. Shame if something was to happen to it.
Here is a terrifying anti-union video, mandatory viewing for all new Walmart employees, and designed to warn the Walmart neophyte away from those scary union organizers who are trying to lure unsuspecting “associates” into their evil schemes. As propaganda, it ain’t no Leni Riefenstahl, but it’s enough to do the trick, we guess. And you’ll hardly even notice that all the Genuine Walmart Associates are standing in front of green screen projections of Walmart locations. We know that some of you Wonkers never watch the videos, but this one is worth seeing, just for the sheer horror of it. If Barbara Ehrenreich could handle it, so can you. Read more on Walmart Training Video Will Scare You Away From Evil Mean Unions Forever…
  Socialism Nice Time

President Bernie Sanders Will Force Your Kids To Have Free College

Was it over when the Germans bombed Pearl Harbor? Hell no!
Just when we thought we had reached the zenith of our love for Vermont’s proudly socialist Sen. Bernie Sanders, and dead serious Democratic presidential candidate, he comes along and proposes legislation to provide free tuition at public colleges and universities. Just like in civilized countries! The proposal goes well beyond President Obama’s proposal for universal community college tuition, and would revolutionize higher education. Yr Wonkette enthusiastically supports the idea, even if it requires everyone to drive a Volvo. Read more on President Bernie Sanders Will Force Your Kids To Have Free College…
  Bang Bang My Baby Shot Me Down

NRA To Louisiana: Lady Beaters Are People Too, Should Have All The Guns

People Not To Date, #762 in a series
The National Rifle Association is doing what it does best, making sure that as many people have guns as possible, regardless of insignificant little details like the possibility that they might not be ideal Armed Citizens. Like, for instance, people found guilty of domestic violence. In Louisiana, where it’s already illegal for people convicted of domestic violence against a member of their household to own firearms, the NRA helped gut a bill that would have kept firearms out of the hands of those who committed violence against people they dated but don’t live with. Read more on NRA To Louisiana: Lady Beaters Are People Too, Should Have All The Guns…
  Shucks And Aww

Even Crazy Old Pat Robertson Knows Iraq War Was A Mistake, Sorta

Funny, he didn't prophesy that coming
Pat Robertson is just the latest rightwinger to decide that, as of right now, the Iraq War wasn’t such a terrific idea after all. Not that George W. Bush sold us the war based on a pack of lies or anything — he was just misled by the flawed intelligence, don’t you know. But on Tuesday’s episode of the 700 Club, Robertson was pretty clear that the war was a bad idea from the get-go, and everybody knew it (except for how they didn’t know it at the time, of course). Not that too much introspection is called for, because hey, it happened, what’re you going to do about it? Read more on Even Crazy Old Pat Robertson Knows Iraq War Was A Mistake, Sorta…
  Save The Drilling Rigs Save The World

Fox Host To Grads: Want To Save The World? Go Work For Big Oil

From 'Children's shows we never watched, Volume 3'
It’s Graduation Season, and time for all kinds of inspiring thoughts from Olds to Youngs, mostly aimed at telling the Youngs to not fuck things up as badly as the Olds did. One exception, of course, was Kurt Vonnegut, who reminded graduates at Bennington in 1970 that they couldn’t possibly hope to save the world because they had no money or power: “You don’t even know how to handle dynamite.” But he nonetheless urged them, once they did gain some money and power, to work for a form of socialist government. That’s still much better advice than the thoughts on success ladled out by two of Fox’s The Five Monday. Read more on Fox Host To Grads: Want To Save The World? Go Work For Big Oil…
  Killing Credibility

Bill O’Reilly: My Daughter Is A Dirty Liar, I Never Beated Up Her Mom

You'd be surprised how many hits you get for 'Bill O'Reilly angry.' Actually, you wouldn't
Bill O’Reilly would like you all to know he never ever assaulted his ex-wife, Maureen McPhilmy — never happened, not true, no way. Forget that story Monday about him dragging her down a staircase by the neck. Shut up, or he’ll rip off your head and shit down your neck hole. In a statement given to Politico by his attorney, O’Reilly denied everything: Read more on Bill O’Reilly: My Daughter Is A Dirty Liar, I Never Beated Up Her Mom…