Author Archives: Doktor Zoom

Full Name: Doktor Zoom Website:
Info: Doktor Zoom Is the pseudonym of Marty Kelley, who lives in Boise, Idaho. He acquired his nym from a fan of Silver-Age comics after being differently punctual to too many meetings. He is not a medical doctor, although he has a real PhD (in Rhetoric and Composition).
  Video Nice Time!

Here’s Neil DeGrasse Tyson On Space Aliens To Make Your Monday All Better (Video)

Neil explains how it all works.
Neil deGrasse Tyson is our favorite science dude — on the teevee, at least, because Oliver Sacks mostly sticks to books — and here is a video of 23 minutes of Tyson Being Tyson, explaining the problem with UFOs: once you’ve got that “Unidentified” part taken care of, that’s where you should just stop. It doesn’t follow that it’s a spaceship from another planet (or dimension or timeline…). The fun, of course, is in the explanation: Forget Roswell, says Tyson, because Read more on Here’s Neil DeGrasse Tyson On Space Aliens To Make Your Monday All Better (Video)…
  Signs And Blunders

Pregnant Stabbing Victim Invites CO Rep. Klingenschmitt To Shove Donation Up His Jesus Hole

You might remember the horrific story about Michelle Wilkins, the pregnant woman in Longmont, Colorado, who was attacked by a deranged woman with a knife, who stabbed her, removed her 7-month-old fetus in an amateur C-section, and then was arrested when she brought the dead fetus to a hospital, claiming she’d miscarried. It was a horrible crime, but to Colorado wingnut preacher, actual member of the Colorado House of Representatives, and alleged human being Gordon Klingenschmitt, it was a pretty obvious sign that God has cursed America for allowing abortion to be legal. Read more on Pregnant Stabbing Victim Invites CO Rep. Klingenschmitt To Shove Donation Up His Jesus Hole…
  Thou Shalt Not Bogart Thy Neighbor's Roach

Indiana Religious Freedom At Work: Weed Dude Forms ‘First Church Of Cannabis,’ Man

Consider the lilies of the field... I mean, have you ever REALLY considered them, man?
Oh, sure, there’s a lot that’s terrible about Indiana’s new awful “religious freedom” law, what with the legalized discriminating and the basic slap in the face to the spirit of the Civil Rights Act. But that doesn’t mean that there are no silver linings, or at least leafy green ones, as an enterprising Indianan, Bill Levin, has filed paperwork (Zig-Zag brand, no doubt) to form the First Church of Cannabis Inc. with the Indiana Secretary of State’s office. Read more on Indiana Religious Freedom At Work: Weed Dude Forms ‘First Church Of Cannabis,’ Man…
  He Should Golf With A Teleprompter While He's There

Obama Trolling Donald Trump Again, Will Visit Kenya, Or Home Sweet Home

By now, we can't imagine anyone would make a big deal about it.
In a move that shouldn’t provoke any hysteria at all on the internet, the White House announced that President Obama will travel to Kenya in July for the “2015 Global Entrepreneurship Summit (GES),” which is a “global platform connecting emerging entrepreneurs with leaders from business, international organizations, and governments looking to support them.” Read more on Obama Trolling Donald Trump Again, Will Visit Kenya, Or Home Sweet Home…
  That's Right You're Not From Texas

Ted Cruz Explains Why No One Likes Him

Does someone need a hug?
Walking bag of petulance Ted Cruz explained on CNN Sunday that he’s plenty likable, but the fools in Washington are simply too detached from Real America to recognize that simple fact. State of the Union host Dana Bash reminded the senator from Alberta that he’s “not the most popular person” in the Senate — even among Republicans: Read more on Ted Cruz Explains Why No One Likes Him…
  The Last Guy You'd Suspect. Or The First.

Rightwing Sociopath Todd Kincannon Didn’t Domestic Abuse His Wife; He Was Just On Drugs

This is from TV, so presumably he's unmedicated here. God help us.
Always nice to start off the week with an entry for the “We Completely Believe This” file: rightwing bloviator and former head of the South Carolina GOP Todd Kincannon was accused of threatening his wife and forcibly refusing to let her get out of his car last Thursday, but don’t worry, there was no arrest in the incident and Todd Kincannon is no spouse abuser — he was simply in the throes of an intense allergic reaction to some cough medicine, he says. We’re pretty certain that still leaves no excuse for the rest of his career as a flaming rightwing poopbag. Read more on Rightwing Sociopath Todd Kincannon Didn’t Domestic Abuse His Wife; He Was Just On Drugs…
  the commentczar's in town

Deleted Comments Of The Week: Oh Yeah Wonket? Well YOU’RE An Abortion!

Dear Sir or Madame: I am outraged by the lack of variety in the .gifs on this blog!
This week’s crop of deleted comments made us feel a bit nostalgic, since a couple of them employ a rightwing rhetorical trope that we first noticed when we still read the local news-paper while listening to Fleetwood Mac on the Victrola. It’s the simplest possible sort of non sequitur: just take any current event and point out that the Scourge Of Abortion is far worse. “I don’t see why the plane crash in ____ is news when hundreds of babies are slaughtered daily…” “Your article on the Armenian Genocide reminded me that Americans are happy to deny their own genocide, legal since 1973…” “How can your reviewer complain about Ishtar when a true abomination takes place in Planned parenthood clinics every day?” So yeah, we got a couple of those this week. Read more on Deleted Comments Of The Week: Oh Yeah Wonket? Well YOU’RE An Abortion!…
  Jonesin' For Hillary

Wingnut Alex Jones And Troll Army Declare WAR On Toymaker For Selling Hillary Clinton Dolls

Made with the latest in molded pantsuit technology
Jason Feinberg isn’t a political junkie. Sure, he follows politics in general. He votes. And in 2008. his little toy and novelty manufacturing outfit, FCTRY in Brooklyn, had something of a hit with a Barack Obama action figure, which sold around 200,000 units and allowed him to quit teaching high school English to be a full-time entrepreneur guy. But he doesn’t follow the political blogosphere with the obsessiveness of a Wonketteer, so he had no idea who “Alex Jones” was until he found himself being yelled at by the guy during a Skype interview for Jones’s Infowars.com. last week, then getting an email box full of anti-Semites accusing him of advancing the New World Order. Well, how did he get there? Read more on Wingnut Alex Jones And Troll Army Declare WAR On Toymaker For Selling Hillary Clinton Dolls…
  She Also Knew We'd Make Fun Of Her

God Gives Lady Gift Of Prophecy To Save The World, Predict How Movies End

If it's one thing I can't stand, it's people groveling.
Spoiler alert: These people are insufferable. In a recent video (sadly not embeddable), self-proclaimed Christian “prophets” Rebecca Greenwood and traditional straight-married couple Cindy and Mike Jacobs compared notes on how exactly their God-given gifts of prophecy work. It was pretty impressive, and we had no idea how trying the work of prophecy could be! Read more on God Gives Lady Gift Of Prophecy To Save The World, Predict How Movies End…
  Allen West: The Vettening

Internet’s Stupidest Man Chuck C. Johnson: Disgraced Torturer Allen West Also A Big Horndog

Hey Baby. Want to wrap your legs around an American legend?
So file this under shocking maybe mildly surprising if true: “Award-Winning Journalist” Chuck C. Johnson, the newly crowned Stupidest Man on the Internet, accuses conservative icon and disgraced former Army Colonel and one-term-only congressman Allen West of having done something awful: Read more on Internet’s Stupidest Man Chuck C. Johnson: Disgraced Torturer Allen West Also A Big Horndog…
  Toxic Sludge Is Good For You; I'm Just Not Thirsty

Monsanto Fanboy: Weed Killer Safe Enough To Drink. F*ck No, I Won’t Drink It. (Updated)

Je ne suis certainement un énorme trou du cul, mais je ne suis pas stupide
Updated: see end of post. So here’s a thing of beauty: Chemical industry lobbyist apologist Patrick Moore wants to assure the world there is absolutely no truth to the pernicious assertions that glyphosate, the active ingredient in Monsanto’s Roundup herbicide, is harmful to humans. In an interview for a documentary on French television station Canal +, Moore denies that glyphosate has led to increased cancer rates in Argentina, because such a thing is simply UNPOSSIBLE. How safe is the stuff? Just watch! (Don’t be askeered by the French subtitles; the interview is in English.) Read more on Monsanto Fanboy: Weed Killer Safe Enough To Drink. F*ck No, I Won’t Drink It. (Updated)…
  You Got Your Jesus In My Gun Bill!

Arizona Wingnut Senator: We Can’t Make You People Go To Church, So Have Some Guns Instead

Jesus is actually registered in her district
Look, all you screamy liberals, Arizona state Sen. Sylvia Allen is NOT introducing legislation to make going to church on Sunday mandatory, so stop your exaggerating and whining. She just thinks that such a mandate would be an excellent idea, is all. Read more on Arizona Wingnut Senator: We Can’t Make You People Go To Church, So Have Some Guns Instead…
  Troll Me Twice...Don't Get Trolled Again

Asking For ‘Obamacare Horror Stories’ Not Working Out That Well For Lying Assclown Cathy McMorris Rodgers

Statistician Twilight Is Offended By Your Pathetic Excuse For A Plot
Congresswoman Cathy McMorris Rodgers (R-Washington) had a great idea to document just how horrible Obamacare has been for Americans: She went to her Facebook page, posted a chart that doesn’t merely lie about the ACA but also makes no logical sense (a bullet point list of lies would at least look sensible, but a line graph?), and invited readers to share their Obamacare horror stories: Read more on Asking For ‘Obamacare Horror Stories’ Not Working Out That Well For Lying Assclown Cathy McMorris Rodgers…
  OK Maybe More Hookers Than Blow

DEA Gets Its Very Own Colombian Hookers-N-Blow Scandal

Can't believe they kept these wild photos!
Members of the Secret Service have to be feeling pretty relieved that theirs is now not the only federal agency with an embarrassing hookers-in-Colombia scandal. Agents from the Drug Enforcement Agency allegedly had “sex parties” — and possibly even wild sex parties — with prostitutes in Colombia from 2005 to 2008, according to a Department of Justice inspector general’s report. And just to add to the fun, the DEA agents’ prostie-parties were reportedly paid for by drug cartels, which is, depending on your perspective, either way worse or way better than the Secret Service prostitution capers. On the one hand, at least the Secret Service wasn’t having its hookers paid for by the Assassins’ Guild. On the other other hand, the Secret Service scandal came to light partly because the cheap bastards didn’t even pay their hookers, who complained, so we can take some comfort from the fact that the DEA’s ladies received a fair day’s wages for their negotiable affection. It’s all a matter of perspective, no? Read more on DEA Gets Its Very Own Colombian Hookers-N-Blow Scandal…
  Just Don't Make This A Racial Thing OK?

Michigan Cops Had Perfectly Good Reason For Beating Up Unarmed Black Guy, Probably

Funny, not one working microphone, either.
Surprising news from Michigan: On Jan. 28, police in the Detroit suburb of Inkster were caught on dashcam dragging an African American man from his car, putting him in a chokehold, then repeatedly beating and tasering him because, they say, he was resisting arrest. We were surprised to learn that there’s a Detroit suburb named “Inkster.” Read more on Michigan Cops Had Perfectly Good Reason For Beating Up Unarmed Black Guy, Probably…
 

Colorado Rep. Klingenschmitt: God Hates Bortions, So He Killed A Baby. That’ll Show Us!

This whole story is just...ick
You sort of have to admire the mind of Gordon “Dr. Chaps” Klingenschmitt, the Colorado Internet preacher who somehow got elected to the state House. No matter what horrible thing happens, Klingenschmitt finds a way to attribute it to either demons, God’s anger over abortion and/or The Gays, or some combination thereof. Which explains how he managed to take the news of a horrific attack on a pregnant Colorado woman and explain that it’s just God’s wrath on America for allowing abortion to be legal. Read more on Colorado Rep. Klingenschmitt: God Hates Bortions, So He Killed A Baby. That’ll Show Us!…
  Take A Cruz On Denial

Now It Is Ted Cruz Who Is Poor Persecuted Galileo, And Climate Scientists Are The Church

Get your denier bingo cards out!
In a bravura performance Tuesday, Ted Cruz crammed an astonishing number of lies about global warming into four minutes of a longer interview with Texas Tribune reporter Jay Root. It was really pretty impressive! Cruz asserted that “we should follow the science and follow the evidence” on climate change, and then proceeded to reel off a whole catalogue of distortions, half-truths, and outright lies that have been refuted again and again. He hit just about every space on the Climate Denial Bingo card; for the sake of our sanity, we won’t refute everything he said, just some of our favorite stretchers. Read more on Now It Is Ted Cruz Who Is Poor Persecuted Galileo, And Climate Scientists Are The Church…
  Aggravated Doing Unto Others

Christian End Times Family Band Gunfighting With Cops For The Lord

C'mon Get Raptured!
Several members of a Christian family band from Boise, Idaho, got into a brawl and gunfight with police in a Walmart parking lot in Cottonwood, Arizona, on Saturday night, leaving one member of the family dead and the rest in police custody. The group, which called itself “Matthew 24 Now” (GET IT???*) looked forward to the coming End Times, and apparently felt the need to hurry up the schedule a little when they attacked police and fired on them. Maybe they just loved the smell of cordite in the evening. Read more on Christian End Times Family Band Gunfighting With Cops For The Lord…
  Hell Is Other Small Town Politicians

New Jersey Town Councilwoman Flips ‘P.O.S.’ Mayor Double Birds, Because New Jersey

She seems so nice
A town council meeting in Mahwah, New Jersey, turned ugly last Thursday as the Council reacted with both pique and indelicacy to … we don’t know, some horseshit that small-town people get het-freakin’-up about. We do know Councilwoman Lisa DiGiulio let out her inner Scalia with all manner of bawdy gestures and a Tony Soprano-style gutter mouth full of terrible cusses, impeach. Read more on New Jersey Town Councilwoman Flips ‘P.O.S.’ Mayor Double Birds, Because New Jersey…
  Seemed Like A Good Idea At The Time

Georgia Patriot Plants Fake ‘Muslim’ Bomb To Warn World Of Muslim Threat

How will people fear radical Islam if we don't make up some fake bomb plots?
A Georgia wingnut has confessed to planting a backpack containing two partially completed pipe bombs in a public park last November, but he had an excellent reason: to raise awareness of the threat of radical Islam. Michael Sibley, 67, loves America so much that he was willing to fake a jihadist bomb attack, there not being any actual jihadis handy at the time. Read more on Georgia Patriot Plants Fake ‘Muslim’ Bomb To Warn World Of Muslim Threat…
  Remember The Alahomo

Gay-Hatin’ Alabama Chief Justice Roy Moore Ready To Be Martyred At The Straight-People Alamo

Yes, this really exists
Ten Commandments Hero Chief Justice Roy Moore came from Alabama with a Brawndo on his knee t’other day, visiting the Lone Star State Monday to address a very important “Defense of Texas Marriage Amendment Rally,” where he said that he is willing to lay down his very life to stop people with the wrong combinations of genitals from entering into marriage contracts. Also, he is worried about all the hyperbole and exaggeration in the world today. Read more on Gay-Hatin’ Alabama Chief Justice Roy Moore Ready To Be Martyred At The Straight-People Alamo…