Author Archives: Doktor Zoom

Full Name: Doktor Zoom Website:
Info: Doktor Zoom Is the pseudonym of Marty Kelley, who lives in Boise, Idaho. He acquired his nym from a fan of Silver-Age comics after being differently punctual to too many meetings. He is not a medical doctor, although he has a real PhD (in Rhetoric and Composition).
  Get Your Nerd On

Why Do You Weep? Blingee Lives! Your Saturday Nerdout

All Hail the Risen Blingee
All Hail the Risen Blingee Hey, remember how a week or so back we were all bummed because one of the most useful dumb wonderful things on the Internet, Blingee, was going away forever? Turns out that the public reaction was so anguished, so over the top, so filled with unicorns puking sad glitter, that the site’s owners decided against going gentle into that good Error 404 Page Not Found after all: Read more on Why Do You Weep? Blingee Lives! Your Saturday Nerdout…
  Amateur Nouns Not Even Mentioned

Oh Great, Now Even The Southerns Are Gender Fluid

Ah, Sinfest, we love you
Ah, Sinfest, we love you It’s the first week of school at many colleges, which means it’s time for another round of panic about socialist liberal indoctrination and threats to America and all that stuff. Take, for example, this “What are those crazy eggheads saying now?” piece from Knoxville’s local TV station WATE, expressing wonderment at the University of Tennessee’s decision to encourage teachers and students to consider using gender-neutral using gender-neutral pronouns: Read more on Oh Great, Now Even The Southerns Are Gender Fluid…
  Working Out Pretty Well For Them

George W. Bush In New Orleans: Heckuva Job, Myself!

    George W. Bush returned to the scene of the crime Friday, speaking briefly at a high school that had been flooded during Hurricane Katrina 10 years ago. You will be astonished that his remarks were utterly devoid of self-reflection or regret. After all, why would he need to regret anything that happened in New Orleans? But he did say he’d learned at least one lesson from the decade following Katrina: We need to privatize public education. At least he didn’t spoil the occasion by mentioning climate change. Read more on George W. Bush In New Orleans: Heckuva Job, Myself!…
  Get Your Bingo Cards Out

Gays, Abortions, Blacks, Oh My! Your Virginia Shooting Tragedy Bingo

Oh, fine. Begin the recitation of stupidity.
Oh, fine. Begin the recitation of stupidity. Wonder why bad things happen to good people? We’ve been scanning the dregs of the wingnuttosphere since Roanoke TV journalists Alison Parker and Adam Ward were shot to death while doing a routine interview Wednesday, and you’ll be astonished at the range of reasons it happened. Or you might be astonished, if you’re new to our great nation and its insane politics. Welcome to America! Here, you’ll want this flak jacket. So why did this terrible thing happen? Here’s a handy roundup! Read more on Gays, Abortions, Blacks, Oh My! Your Virginia Shooting Tragedy Bingo…
  Resign Already

Screw You Guys, Gov. Paul LePage Gonna Go Be A Senator Now

Stupider things have happened
Stupider things have happened. Like his reelection. Maine Gov. Paul LePage has apparently not been paying attention to all the mail requesting that he resign, but he does at least have some thoughts about leaving office eventually. Like maybe he’ll run for the U.S. Senate in 2018 against mustache model and independent Sen. Angus King, a thought that LePage had floated before, only to proclaim that he was joking. But maybe this time he’s serious. Or MAYBE HE’S “JOKING” AGAIN, you simply cannot tell with Paul LePage, who is a Jedi with an unknowable mind. Or undetectable, maybe that’s it. In any case, it’s good to see he’s given some thought to what he’ll do after he’s impeached. Read more on Screw You Guys, Gov. Paul LePage Gonna Go Be A Senator Now…
  Acquitted Child Killer Says What?

George Zimmerman Opposes Racist Hate Crimes Now, Hooray!

He thinks good
He thinks good You have probably been wondering, ever since the horrible news broke yesterday, “Say! What does unemployable child-killer George Zimmerman think about the unspeakable killings of two young television journalists in Virginia? I am looking forward to his insights!” Happily, Mr. Zimmerman obliged a world that was waiting for his opinions on the matter, and took to the Tweetosphere, that we might all drink deeply of his wisdom. You will be astonished to learn that Mr. Zimmerman seems to have noticed that the murderer was black and also gay, which are really the only two facts that anyone needs to know. Oh, and also Barack Obama apparently approved of the murders, if he didn’t order them himself. Read more on George Zimmerman Opposes Racist Hate Crimes Now, Hooray!…
  What's The Matter With KY?

Gay-Hatin’ Kentucky Clerks Having Real Bad Week

Yaoi? Yowie!
Yaoi? Yowie! Pour out a 40 for the gay-hating county clerks of Kentucky, who are losing their brave battle to refuse to do their jobs in the name of Jesus. First up, we have Kim Davis, the clerk of Rowan County, who was told by a federal appeals court Wednesday that she really does have to issue marriage licenses, because that is the job of a county clerk. The U.S. Court of Appeals for the 6th Circuit was not at all impressed by Ms. Davis’s contention that she can ignore her job duties because Jesus said to. The appeals court affirmed an earlier lower court decision requiring Davis to do her job: Read more on Gay-Hatin’ Kentucky Clerks Having Real Bad Week…
  Real Journalists Use Roofies

James O’Keefe Releases SHOCK VIDEO Of Hillary Campaign Torturing Puppies

All the gravitas, all the veritas, all the smarmitas
All the gravitas, all the veritas, all the smarmitas Self-important Hefty bag of slime mold James O’Keefe has released a shocking new video showing Hillary Clinton campaigners in Iowa shockingly discussing ways to get Hillary Clinton elected. The Clinton campaign told Time magazine last week that it suspected people pretending to be volunteers for O’Keefe’s “Project Veritas” were trying to entrap Iowa campaign workers into saying something dumb or illegal. The beauty of O’Keefe’s operation is that while he’s never actually uncovered examples of people doing unethical or illegal things, he’s awfully good at thinking of illegal shit to do, then either recording simulated crimes, or trying to get people to go along with doing crimes, which proves such crimes must be rampant. Except in Iowa, the Clinton campaign was paying attention, and warned staffers not to assist anyone in an Osama bin Laden mask to fake voter registration forms. Read more on James O’Keefe Releases SHOCK VIDEO Of Hillary Campaign Torturing Puppies…
  Making America Grate Again

Donald Trump Fanboy Can’t Believe Univision Anchor Even Allowed In White People’s America

That's one Ugly American there
So here’s a charming addendum to Tuesday night’s Donald Trump presser in Dubuque, Iowa, when the Human Flannel Moth deported Univision news anchor Jorge Ramos for being out of line. Once Ramos was out in the hallway, an as-yet unidentified Trump wannabee decided that it was time to give the veteran newsman a good talking-to. Not that the guy knew Ramos was a veteran newsman; all he could see was an uppity foreigner who needed to “go back to Univision.” Read more on Donald Trump Fanboy Can’t Believe Univision Anchor Even Allowed In White People’s America…
  Dog Day Afternoon

It’s National Dog Day. Pretty Sure We Could All Use Some Doggies About Now

Go, corgis, go!
Go, corgis, go! We were getting all ready to end this perfectly shitty news day by sharing photos of the new panda babies at the National Zoo, but even that story went all to hell this afternoon, with the death of one of the two cubs. Which honestly isn’t that much of a surprise, since giant pandas are extremely difficult to breed in captivity (but at least we’re getting better at it). Forget pandas. They’re adorable idiots who don’t evolution good. At least not when there’s a bunch of territory-hungry hominids in the neighborhood. Read more on It’s National Dog Day. Pretty Sure We Could All Use Some Doggies About Now…
  With Liberty And Justice For All Who Survive

Here’s How The Second Amendment Has Prevented Tyranny Lately

Sawed-off shotguns: They're in the Constitution!
Sawed-off shotguns: They’re in the Constitution! While we know guns had nothing to do with the tragedy today that took the lives of Virginia TV station WDBJ reporter Alison Parker and cameraman Adam Ward, in addition to the suicide of the shooter, a disgruntled former employee of the station, we thought we’d mention some other recent deaths in which guns had nothing to do with anything. Because while it’s far too soon to talk about guns in relation to the Virginia murders, maybe it’s not too soon to talk about these other shootings. (We are joking you, of course. It is never the right time to talk about guns.) Read more on Here’s How The Second Amendment Has Prevented Tyranny Lately…
  Remember When We Thought Sandy Hook Might Change Something?

TV Reporter And Cameraman Shot To Death On Air, Because America

Two more beneficiaries of unrestricted access to firearms
Two more beneficiaries of unrestricted access to firearms A Virginia TV reporter and cameraman were shot dead on live TV while reporting in Moneta, Virginia, Wednesday morning, and it is definitely too soon to suggest that maybe all the guns floating around the nation are in any way a bad idea, because that would be ghoulish. Not nearly as ghoulish as the fact that WDBJ reporter Alison Parker, 24, and cameraman Adam Ward, 27, were murdered during a fluff interview about tourism with Vicki Gardner, a Chamber of Commerce spokeswoman, at a shopping center, but pretty ghoulish, so let’s not talk about guns, OK? Gardner was injured and is in surgery. Read more on TV Reporter And Cameraman Shot To Death On Air, Because America…
  Wow So Yooge. Much Classy. Wow.

Trump Shows America How He Will Deport Mexicans, On Live TV!

Simian challenge display #6
Donald Trump won himself even more love from the We Hates Foreigns crowd Tuesday as he ignored questions from Univision news anchor Jorge Ramos at a press event, told him to go back where he came from (Univision), and had a security guard escort Ramos from the room. After a while, Ramos was allowed back in; while Trump talked over and avoided answering Ramos’s questions, at least he ignored the man face to face. We can hardly wait for President Trump to address the United Nations and tell the delegates to go the hell back to whatever stupid countries they came from, because nobody’s ever even heard of them. Read more on Trump Shows America How He Will Deport Mexicans, On Live TV!…
  Clash Of The Titans

Fox News Dudes Being Total Girls About Donald Trump’s Sexism

Two minds with but a single thought
Two minds with but a single thought Oh, golly goodness, it would appear that there is once again discord in the House That Ailes Built. After taking a brief vacation, Fox’s Megyn Kelly returned to the network Monday night, and Donald Trump drunk-tweeted a bunch of mean stuff about her. (We are not accusing Mr. Trump of being a drunkard, of course — we know he only drinks at church. We just assume that anyone on Twitter is drunk, because it is Twitter). Read more on Fox News Dudes Being Total Girls About Donald Trump’s Sexism…
  All That Giggling Helps Burn Calories Too

Does Weed Make You Skinny? Let’s Ask Science!

Have you ever REALLY LOOKED at your hand? Fascinating.
Have you ever REALLY LOOKED at your hand? Fascinating. A new Canadian study seems to suggest that smoking marijuana like some kind of jazz criminal may prevent obesity and diabetes, at least among the Inuit population that was the subject of the study. Researchers at the Journal of Obesity found that marijuana use was “statistically associated with lower body mass index” and with “lower fasting insulin” levels compared to those who abstained from marijuana use. We love weed science! This is where we’d add a disclaimer that this is only one study that needs to be replicated before everyone takes it as gospel, but we also know that most of you damn hippies are already halfway out the door to your nearest dispensary. Don’t forget your Bob Marley t-shirt and Rasta beanie! Read more on Does Weed Make You Skinny? Let’s Ask Science!…
  Are Your Kids Getting Enough Exorcise?

Illinois Bishop Has Godly Plan To Keep Gay Cooties Out Of Schools

Non-Sex-Having Man Wearing Dress Wants To Lecture You On Sexual Norms
Non-Sex-Having Man Wearing Dress Wants To Lecture You On Sexual Norms In an attempt to clamp down on all the rampant sin in Springfield, Illinois, the local Catholic diocese is planning to rid its schools of the offspring of homosexxxicans. Also, for the sake of insisting that they’re not bigots, the schools will aim to weed out kids whose parents aren’t “living in accord with church teaching.” Parents are not required to actually be Catholic, but they darn well better do sex like Catholics are supposed to, according to a new “Family School Agreement” pushed by Bishop Thomas Paprocki. Read more on Illinois Bishop Has Godly Plan To Keep Gay Cooties Out Of Schools…