Author Archives: Doktor Zoom

Full Name: Doktor Zoom Website:
Info: Doktor Zoom Is the pseudonym of Marty Kelley, who lives in Boise, Idaho. He acquired his nym from a fan of Silver-Age comics after being differently punctual to too many meetings. He is not a medical doctor, although he has a real PhD (in Rhetoric and Composition).
  the commentczar's in town

Deleted Comments Of The Week: Poverty Is A Myth Because Poors Are Fat And Lazy

Dear Editor: I have had it up to here with playing second fiddle to a bunch of stupid marshmallow horses...
We got a bumper crop of idiots in the comments this week, for some reason — our fault, really, since Yr Wonkette had to go and stir up trouble by writing stuff about the poors, the blacks, the gays, and the Duggars — add your own punchline. Read more on Deleted Comments Of The Week: Poverty Is A Myth Because Poors Are Fat And Lazy…
  The Geek-Farmer Alliance Is Here At Last

Brave New Tractor: John Deere And General Motors Pretty Sure They Own All Your Stuff

True fact: chineseposters.net is almost as addictive as TV Tropes. Also, those are some weirdly-proportioned babbies.
You might think you own your car, but depending on how much computery stuff is built into it — and in today’s modern times of today, that’s all of it, Katie — your name might be on the title, but as far as the manufacturers are concerned, you’re mostly the registered software user of the vehicle, which is built around code that you do not own. It’s a thrilling new world of intellectual property fights, being played out at the US Copyright Office and involving any number of vehicle manufacturers from John Deere to General Motors. Who’d have guessed that the cutting edge of debate over intellectual property law is attached to a John Deere tractor? Read more on Brave New Tractor: John Deere And General Motors Pretty Sure They Own All Your Stuff…
  the commentczar's in town

Deleted Comments: This One’s About Vaccines And Vaginas!

Vacation plan: Clean apartment, finish reading that Twain biography. Vacation reality: Booze & MLP fanfic
Oh, Wonkers, we have some beautiful deletia for you this week! Looks to us like some people have really been working overtime in the Derp Mines to bring us this fine assortment of stupidity. For starters, we have this thought-provoking bit of turnabout from “John Smith” (Real name: “Bob Johnson”), who understands that Bobby Jindal just wants to protect Liberty from the homos. Just think about this — would you libs really be so hot on forcing Christians to provide services to gay people if it also meant that gay people would have to serve people with whom they have traditionally been at Culture War? Read more on Deleted Comments: This One’s About Vaccines And Vaginas!…
  Let's Go Kill Some Scientists

Wingnut Columnist: Neil DeGrasse Tyson Is A Bad Scientist, Could Someone Please Kill Him?

Works for media literacy too.
WordNetDaily columnist Erik “The Other Rush” Rush — he really calls himself that — would like to share with you some Thoughts About Science, which mostly boil down to: science is nice when it gives us flatscreen TVs and atomic bombs, but we’d better not trust the “scientific community” because it’s full of atheists and socialists who are trying to set themselves up as some kinds of authorities on stuff that they have no business talking about, like the age of the Earth, how life came to be on Earth and whether it’s getting hotter, none of which they really know a damn thing about. And by the end of his meditations on science, he actually appears to say it would be OK to kill a few scientists, if that’s what’s necessary to preserve Liberty. Read more on Wingnut Columnist: Neil DeGrasse Tyson Is A Bad Scientist, Could Someone Please Kill Him?…
  Keep Watching The Skies!

Chemtrail Loons Yell At Arizona Congressman For Not Being Total Dipsh*t

The truth is out there. Very, very far out there
Here’s how nutso the Chemtrail People are: they’re actually too crazy for a Tea Partier, Arizona Republican congresscritter Paul Gosar, DDS, who got yelled at by an assortment of chemtrail enthusiasts at Monday’s meeting of the Conservative Republican Club of Kingman. Kingman appears to be a hotbed of Chemtrail Trutherdom, as we’ve reported before. The wingnuts in the audience were not pleased by Gosar’s complete denial of the international weather modification plot — popularly known as chemtrails — that is poisoning us from the skies! Read more on Chemtrail Loons Yell At Arizona Congressman For Not Being Total Dipsh*t…
  Would You Like Phlegm With That?

Minnesota Republicans Solve Pressing Problem Of Waitresses Making Too Much Money

We'd forgotten that Vic Tayback was in the movie, too...
The Republican-controlled Minnesota House of Representatives passed a nice fuck-the-poors bill Wednesday. The bill would cut the minimum wage for workers who make at least $4 an hour in tips, to Save Jobs, and also maybe because the state’s restaurant industry lobbied heavily for the bill. To save jobs, dontcha know. Then they probably made a Hillary-at-Chipotle joke, which is all the rage with Republicans these days. Read more on Minnesota Republicans Solve Pressing Problem Of Waitresses Making Too Much Money…
  Vendetta? What Vendetta?

Of Course Joe Arpaio Sent A Private Dick After A Federal Judge’s Wife. He’s Sheriff Joe!

He IS Justice!
Here’s one way to tell that maybe your contempt of court hearing isn’t going your way: When the judge in your case asks if you hired a private investigator to look into that judge’s wife, and you have to admit that, well, yes, but only because you’re a paranoid creep who always investigates his political enemies. It’s not like Maricopa County Sheriff Joe Arpaio was singling out U.S. District Court Judge G. Murray Snow or anything. Read more on Of Course Joe Arpaio Sent A Private Dick After A Federal Judge’s Wife. He’s Sheriff Joe!…
  nice time!

Sorry Nutbags, Even AZ’s Hard-Right Gov Thinks Keeping Foster Kids From Gay Homes Is Dick Move

We're fine with gay adoptions, but not with naming innocent children 'Arwen'
Is there a tinfoil hat shortage in Arizona? Republican Gov. Doug Ducey issued an executive order Wednesday rescinding a Department of Child Safety policy prohibiting legally married same-sex couples from adopting children or becoming foster parents, bringing actual state policy into line with a pledge Ducey had made last week to encourage more adoptions, regardless of whether adoptive parents were gay or straight. Read more on Sorry Nutbags, Even AZ’s Hard-Right Gov Thinks Keeping Foster Kids From Gay Homes Is Dick Move…
  Just Don't Shout 'I AM Justice!' At Your Swearing-In

Loretta Lynch Confirmed; Eric Holder Can Finally Take This Job And Shove It

Still claims not to be Eric Holder, reportedly has not yet died of old age
Congratulations, Loretta Lynch! You have been confirmed as Attorney General, and it only took 166 days, which, as a student of History, you may be interested to know, is much longer than the entire lifespan of quite a few independent nations. Only two other Attorneys General took longer to confirm (Edwin Meese, under Ronald Reagan, and A. Mitchell Palmer, under Woodrow Wilson). Read more on Loretta Lynch Confirmed; Eric Holder Can Finally Take This Job And Shove It…
  Authentic sovereign gibberish

Sovereign Citizen Lady Is Citizen … OF OUR HEARTS!

As sovereign as you get
Meet Tamah Jada Clark, a “Floridian-American” sovereign citizen who brought a whole new meaning to “swearing before the court” when she recently filed an obscenity-filled court document titled “Notice: To F*ck This Court and Everything that it Stands For” after a judge dismissed a lawsuit that she’d filed. Clark had claimed that her civil rights were violated five years ago when she was arrested in a failed attempt to break her boyfriend out of prison. Read more on Sovereign Citizen Lady Is Citizen … OF OUR HEARTS!…
  Look! More Science To Ignore!

No, Vaccines Are Not ‘Raping’ Your Children, Says Science

Or not.
Rejoice! A new study shows that even among children who are at a higher risk for autism, getting vaccinated against childhood illnesses isn’t linked to autism. In the face of clear scientific evidence like that, you’ve pretty much got to expect that the anti-vaxxers will now just say, “Oh, man, were we ever wrong!” and quietly go away, possibly borne on a magic carpet carried by flying pigs. Read more on No, Vaccines Are Not ‘Raping’ Your Children, Says Science…
  Oh That's Real Mature

Wingnut Rep. Cussin’ Folks Out For Mocking Her Bill To Kick Feds Out Of Nevada

How can she lose when she's so patriotic?
    Well, heck, liberty-lovers, guess it’s time to pour one out for Freedom in America, as the last best hope for state sovereignty went down to a big defeat in the Nevada legislature, despite the efforts of our new favorite one-L wingnut, Assemblywoman Michele Fiore, who tried so hard to help Great American welfare rancher Cliven Bundy achieve his dream of a Nevada where the federal government can’t own land. And to top it off, Fiore, who sponsored the bill to kick the federal government out of Nevada, had herself a first-rate meltdown on the floor of the Assembly when fellow Republican Chris Edwards had the temerity to suggest, during debate of the bill, that even if it passed, it would be the subject of expensive lawsuits that taxpayers would have to pay to defend, and then Fiore would be a laughingstock. We mean more of a laughingstock. Read more on Wingnut Rep. Cussin’ Folks Out For Mocking Her Bill To Kick Feds Out Of Nevada…
  College Has Never Been Fun

Senate Republicans Have Had It With These College Kids And Their Luxurious Student Loans

Don't even get us started on those young ruffians careening around in flivvers while wearing raccoon coats!
A couple of Republican senators have finally figured out how to reduce the cost of higher education: Yell at college students who keep blowing their student loan money on nice things that they do not deserve. Like weed and porn, probably. Read more on Senate Republicans Have Had It With These College Kids And Their Luxurious Student Loans…
  Is Barack Obama Killing Christianity? We Are Only Asking.

Fox News ‘Democrat’ Kirsten Powers: I Can’t Believe Obama Drowned Those Christians!

Some things just never go out of style!
Fox News’s token Democrat on Outnumbered, Kirsten Powers, has had just about enough of Barack Obama’s silence on the persecution of Christians in the Middle East. For instance, when Obama held a joint press conference Friday with Italian Prime Minister Matteo Renzi, Obama just stood there and didn’t even condemn the murders of a dozen Christian refugees who were thrown from a migrant ship by Muslims on April 15: Read more on Fox News ‘Democrat’ Kirsten Powers: I Can’t Believe Obama Drowned Those Christians!…
  Work Is The Curse Of The Drinking Class

Gov. Paul LePage Will Protect Maine From Threat Of Decent Wages

Guess what body part I'm being? Oh, you guessed!
Maine Gov. Paul LePage is working really hard to earn the title of Most Loathsome Governor in America, which is a difficult task in a nation containing Rick Scott, Bobby Jindal, Chris Christie, Sam Brownback, and so many other worthy candidates. We’re thinking his latest dick move, pushing a bill that would prevent Maine cities from setting a minimum wage higher than the state’s minimum wage of $7.50 an hour, just might be the thing to make him stand out from the rest of the crowd of assholes, making him the dickhead of all dickheads, or cazzo di tutti cazzi. Read more on Gov. Paul LePage Will Protect Maine From Threat Of Decent Wages…
  Just One More Reason To Abolish The IRS

The NRA Has Some Lessons For SarahPAC On How To Cheat At Campaign Finance

America, fuck yeah.
You will probably find this very difficult to believe, but it’s possible that the National Rifle Association is a big lying liar. No, not just about how guns are the only thing standing between freedom and tyranny, or about the how everyone needs a gun to safely get through breakfast, or even about how the Second Amendment was handed down from Jesus so that America would always be God’s favorite country. No, it seems that the NRA may also have lied a whole bunch, for years, to the IRS. And also may have violated several federal campaign finance laws, too. Fortunately, the NRA probably doesn’t have to worry too much — if there’s one organization that’s exempt from following piddly little laws, it’s the NRA, because your average charity doesn’t have a bunch of armed radicals ready to start shooting if they think the feds are going to take their guns away. Which is what making the NRA follow campaign and tax laws would be, you just know it. Read more on The NRA Has Some Lessons For SarahPAC On How To Cheat At Campaign Finance…
  What Does God Need With A Rain Gauge?

Wingnut Dennis Prager: Nature-Worshiping Pagans Stole California’s Water, Gave It To Fish

Stupid nymphs, takin' all our water!
Dennis Prager, the Family-Values radio talker who thinks children should go hungry because it builds character and that nudity is undermining American society, has more thoughts about Matters Spiritual and Material. Specifically, he has figured out why California has a “drought” — it has nothing to do with insufficient rain and snow, and is instead the result of nature-worshiping greenies. Like so many conspiracy theorists, they always end up blaming the Druids. Read more on Wingnut Dennis Prager: Nature-Worshiping Pagans Stole California’s Water, Gave It To Fish…
  Law And Order: Margaritaville

Tulsa Pretend Cop Enters Plea, Takes Bahamas Vacation Like Any Other Manslaughter Suspect

It's been a really rough couple of weeks
Robert Bates, the 73-year-old Tulsa, Oklahoma, insurance executive who likes to play cop, and also shot a guy dead, pleaded not guilty to second-degree manslaughter charges Tuesday, then got the judge’s permission to go ahead and take a family vacation in the Bahamas, because why not? What, the man has already had his name dragged through the press for shooting a suspect to death when he grabbed his .357 revolver instead of his taser — you monsters want him to lose his deposit, too? Hasn’t Reserve Deputy Bates suffered enough? Read more on Tulsa Pretend Cop Enters Plea, Takes Bahamas Vacation Like Any Other Manslaughter Suspect…
  it's a trap!

Men’s Rights Dude Tells Fox & Friends Why Marriage Is A Scam To Take His Man-Money

Won't someone please think of the men?
Tuesday’s Fox & Friends had a pretty darned exciting segment with “Men’s Rights” dweeb Peter Lloyd, who calls himself a “suffragent,” and has written a book called Stand By Your Manhood, all about why men should never get trapped into marriage, which is BAD. It wasn’t quite the orgy of feminist-bashing that Fox might have hoped for, but heaven knows they tried. Read more on Men’s Rights Dude Tells Fox & Friends Why Marriage Is A Scam To Take His Man-Money…
  Keep Fucking That Lucky ducky

Bill O’Reilly Knows Who Has It Rough In This Country, And It Is The Rich

Why are you doing class warfare on Bill O'Reilly?
Oh look, Bill O’Reilly is protecting the rich again! You will be very surprised to learn that in a Monday segment that was ostensibly about “income inequality in America,” O’Reilly explained that the real inequality in America is all about how tough the rich have it, while those who aren’t millionaires are just living it up all the time, having a big party at the expense of oppressed rich people. It’s really an impressive bit of bullshitting, and you can bet that a lot of Fox viewers will take a moment out of their second or third jobs to sympathize with the plight of those making 300 times as much as they do. Read more on Bill O’Reilly Knows Who Has It Rough In This Country, And It Is The Rich…
  Bleat On The Brat

How Is Obamacare Turning Us Into Nazi North Korea Today?

American Pony is Superior Pony! And Smarter than David Brat.
Gosh, remember when former House Majority Leader Eric Cantor lost his primary to some Tea Party loon named David Brat, and we laughed and laughed and looked forward to all the crazy stupid stuff Brat would do in Congress? Except how Brat was just kind of garden variety dumb, and not generally all that funny? Oh, sure, there was the time he said we don’t need to worry about education funding none, because Socrates just taught on a rock with a stick, and that was funny, but only rated about 450 MilliGohmerts. Read more on How Is Obamacare Turning Us Into Nazi North Korea Today?…
  Triumph Of The Living Will

Jeb Bush Gonna Death-Panel Americans To Death, With Death Panels!

OK, it's a little heavyhanded. Except maybe compared to passing a law to keep someone on life support forever.
Probable presidential candidate John Ellis Bush (“Jeb”) Bush, fresh off his recent interview bragging about how he saved Terri Schiavo’s life real good 13 years ago, has given some thought to how future governors can be saved from the anguish that he had to suffer in that case, and he thinks maybe the answer is that patients on Medicare should be required to make a plan for the kind of end-of-life care they want. You know, death panels. Read more on Jeb Bush Gonna Death-Panel Americans To Death, With Death Panels!…