Author Archives: DDM

  There's gotta be a santorum joke in here somewhere

Hero Alabama Chief Justice Roy Moore Will Block Gay Courthouse Door, For Freedom

Adam y Esteban
Fellow Patriots®, are you tired of the gay agenda being rammed down your throat? Are you afraid that the repeated joyous celebrations of legalized gay marriage exploding all over your face will give you gay herpes of the eye? You are not alone, and we have a hero who has returned from the ashes, like a dung beetle we thought the universe had shat out of existence, only to return like a shit-stained phoenix rising from derp-filled ashes of bigotry: Read more on Hero Alabama Chief Justice Roy Moore Will Block Gay Courthouse Door, For Freedom…
  Will Rape Jokes Ever Get Old?

Mike Huckabee Kicks Off His Maybe-Campaign With Some Prison Rape Jokes, For Jesus

Definitely Not Nuts AT ALL
Since the GOP is so good on the issue of rape, Gov. Mike Huckabee (R-Guitar Hero) decided to make a chapter of his new book dedicated to a rape joke. And some namby-pamby liberals decided to get all butt-hurt over it, because not everyone thinks that rape is the next funniest thing to “concentration camps are a great diet” jokes! Read more on Mike Huckabee Kicks Off His Maybe-Campaign With Some Prison Rape Jokes, For Jesus…
  Post-racial my ass

Off-Duty Black Cops Racisted By White Cops In NYC Because Of Course

Just the black ones, though. And the black adults. But not in a racist way.
If there is one thing that 2014 has taught us, it is that SCOTUS Chief Justice John Roberts was 128 percent correct to overturn the Voting Rights Act because there is no more racisming in America. One only has to look to the NYPD for evidence: Read more on Off-Duty Black Cops Racisted By White Cops In NYC Because Of Course…
  ugh

Who The Hell Is Shelley Moore Capito? A Senator? WTF?

So this Republican, Shelley Moore Capito, is now gonna be the new Senator from West Virginia. And get this: the seat used to be held by a Democrat! What the what? Who is this Senator-elect, and how in the hell did Dems hold on to West Virginia so long? Time for a booze-filled election night wonksplainer. Read more on Who The Hell Is Shelley Moore Capito? A Senator? WTF?…
  nice time!

Kick-Ass Teenager Wins Nobel Peace Prize. What Have You Done With Your Life?

Ok, people, time to turn the snark off for just a little bit. We have some GOOD news to report. The Nobel Peace Prize winners were announced. We’re guessing that recent events took the Palin family out of consideration, so the Nobel Committee decided to honor the most amazingist 17-year-old on the planet, Malala Yousafzai: Read more on Kick-Ass Teenager Wins Nobel Peace Prize. What Have You Done With Your Life?…
  Black-ish

GOP Finds Stock Photos To Be Their New Black Friends

Republicans have a race problem, and continue to do everything they can to make it worse. Most recently they launched the thoroughly mockable #ImARepublican campaign, which turns out to suck even harder than Rick Santorum at Iowa’s annual goat-blowing festival: Read more on GOP Finds Stock Photos To Be Their New Black Friends…
  the gods are smiling on us

Larry ‘Wide Stance’ Craig Is Back! And Guilty! Again!

Life is full of important lessons. Look both ways before crossing the street. If you are a professional sportsball player, don’t domestic violence a woman on video. Ladies, don’t get raped. And today, we learn a political lesson: If you are a closeted Republican politician soliciting anonymous gay sex in airport bathrooms, you CANNOT use campaign funds to try to reverse your guilty plea. Who knew?!? Read more on Larry ‘Wide Stance’ Craig Is Back! And Guilty! Again!…
  Leaving Fast. Possibly Furious.

Eric Holder Peaces Out

Eric Holder has had enough of your shit, Congress. Like most of America, he is probably tired of grandstanding and bullshit partisan nonsense, so he is taking his indictments and going home. Read more on Eric Holder Peaces Out…
  Like Todd Starnes Has Ever Seen A Big Condom

Fox’s Todd Starnes Exposes Big Condom-Public School Industrial Complex

Invading a middle school near you title=
Can’t get enough dick? We can never get enough dick — news about dicks, politicians being dicks, anonymous airport dick, and sometimes dicks talking about dick-things. Enter Todd Starnes, Fox News comment-spewer and host of the physical embodiment of all the worst insinuations of the word “dick.” His latest complaint: Public schools are beholden to Big Condoms. No, not the Magnum condoms that you buy to put in your nightstand to impress ladies who snoop, but which you never use because haha, get real.  We are talking about the Big Condom-Public School Industrial Complex, which is a 100 percent real thing, sheeple. Read more on Fox’s Todd Starnes Exposes Big Condom-Public School Industrial Complex…
  Your ego is writing checks your soul can't cash

Air Force Dishonorably Discharges God

Whenever we have another awful natural disaster that wreaks havoc on America and kills folks, Bible-humpers will have a ready excuse on hand. Climate change? Hahaha, don’t be naive, you moron. Read more on Air Force Dishonorably Discharges God…
  Derp Alert

Pat Robertson Is A F***ing Waste of Space: Lesbian Edition

Pat Robertson decided to open his frothy mouthhole and spew terrible advice to lonely self-hating shut-ins who still watch The 700 Club. On tap this time was a mother worried because her 21-year old daughter is a murderer rapist heathen Methodist LESBIAN!! What’s more, the parents had no idea: Read more on Pat Robertson Is A F***ing Waste of Space: Lesbian Edition…
  Home Is Where The Penis Is

Women Are Just ‘Penis Homes,’ Says Fired Pastor. RNC Job Offer Imminent.

Another mega-church is closing several branches (they have branches? what the fuck?) because of obvious anti-Christian sentiment over a few flippant remarks Pastor Mark Driscoll made that feminazis are taking WAY out of context. Women … amirite? Back us up, all you god-fearing Wonketeers. Seriously, what’s wrong with this: Read more on Women Are Just ‘Penis Homes,’ Says Fired Pastor. RNC Job Offer Imminent….
  Darrell Issa Sucks

More Proof That IRSgate Was F***ing Stupid

It’s Throwback Thursday Friday here at Wonkette, so let’s check in on one of our favorite scandal-not-scandals of last year, IRSgate. In the latest news, it turns out that the special inspector guy in charge of investigating the IRS, the guy whose report started this whole media circus, is a TOTAL PARTISAN HACK WHAT SUCKS AT HIS JERB: Read more on More Proof That IRSgate Was F***ing Stupid…
  Federal Judge Tells Gays To Suck It

Louisiana Federal Judge Screws Gays, Lesbians (And Not In The Good Way)

He's gotta keep his throat crammed so he doesn't accidentally say nice things.
RICK SANTORUM WINS! After years of spewing vitriol from his frothy mouthhole, his lies about how all the gays are just incesting, dog-humping miscreants has finally managed to convince someone! Unfortunately, that someone is a GODDAM FEDERAL JUDGE from Louisiana: Read more on Louisiana Federal Judge Screws Gays, Lesbians (And Not In The Good Way)…
  Greed Is Good

Wall Street’s Newest Tool: Eric Cantor

Like the bastard child of gordon gekko and scrooge mcduck.
Hey, what’s former Majority Leader Eric Cantor (R-Hahaha) doing with all his free time now that he is no longer an esteemed member of Congress? If we had to guess, it would be gently sobbing while beating off to a montage of Ronald Reagan YouTube videos, barely visible through the shame-tears. Are we right, Wall Street Journal? Read more on Wall Street’s Newest Tool: Eric Cantor…
  nice time!

Nice Time! Kentucky State University President Decides To Raise Minimum Wage His Own Damn Self

Yep, time for that warm fuzzy feeling.
Time for a reprieve from the bullshit and terribleness out there (looking at you, “Dr.” Ben Carson). We bring you to Kentucky, in praise of Raymond Burse, the interim President of Kentucky State University. Why should he get praise, and not the sharp end of our forked tongue? Because he is a giant among men and women, for he has managed to warm that cold spot in our chest where our heart should be. Read more on Nice Time! Kentucky State University President Decides To Raise Minimum Wage His Own Damn Self…
  Shocked and Awed

BENGHAZI Update: House Republican Committee Calls All Other Republicans Liars

Here we go again. Another House committee, controlled by Republicans, has issued yet another wackadoodle report about BENGHAZI. Are we going to finally find out that President Obama was taking body shots off of Hillary at the time of the attack, laughing about telling everyone to “stand down”? What kind of conspiracy-tinged bullshit will be served up this time? Read more on BENGHAZI Update: House Republican Committee Calls All Other Republicans Liars…
  dial t for torture

John McCain Being A Big RINO Lib Squish Again, Just Because Arizona Tortured A Guy, Whatever

Hey look! ‘Grumpy dickwad’ John McCain took a break and decided to let ‘maverick-y sane-sounding’ John McCain come out and talk. And he said some things about that botched execution in Arizona, including telling Politico that it was “torture.” Does this mean that Gov. Brewer will get an extended vacation to Gitmo? Hot damn, we actually agree with the senior, very very senior Senator from Arizona! Something something doddering blind squirrel finds a walnut. Let’s sexplore!  Read more on John McCain Being A Big RINO Lib Squish Again, Just Because Arizona Tortured A Guy, Whatever…
  alito sucks

Supreme Court Dicks Over Unions

Hey, did you know that there were TWO decisions from the Supreme Bishops Court today? Before they announced that ‘Corporations are religious people, my friend,’ they announced a decision about unions. And we saw that unions were once again weakened: The Supreme Court ruled narrowly on Monday that some government employees do not have to pay any fees to labor unions representing them, but the court decision declined to strike down a decades-old precedent that required many public-sector workers to pay union fees. What does this mean? Let’s sadsplore.  Read more on Supreme Court Dicks Over Unions…
  welcome to post-racial america

Whoops, Looks Like Tennessee Forgot To Stop Racisming

You know what’s wonderful? Living in a post-racial America, where everyone is judged based on the content of their character and not the color of their skin. For example: Tucker Carlson is a dick not because of his race, but because he is a cosmic turd wrapped in leaking anal polyps sent here to punish us for some unknown sin. Hell, racism is so far in The Past that John Roberts and SCOTUS said we don’t need no stinkin Voting Rights Act. But apparently Tennessee never got the memo: Read more on Whoops, Looks Like Tennessee Forgot To Stop Racisming…
  apparently we can quit you

GOP Homophobia So Bad Not Even GOProud Can Stand It Anymore

We all know that the Republican Party consists mainly of homophobic, xenophobic, racist-to-varying-degrees, warring-on-women assholes, right? This is FACT and SCIENCE, and other things that liberals accept and Republicans deny. But just how homophobic is the GOP? So much so that the organization that tries to get more LGBT acceptance in the Republican party, GOProud, is giving up, finally acknowledging that Republicans are unmitigated homophobes with no chance at redemption: After five years in the often precarious space of being a gay conservative group, LGBT Republican organization GOProud is ceasing operations, according to a series of reports at Bilerico.  Read more on GOP Homophobia So Bad Not Even GOProud Can Stand It Anymore…
  no not that kind of emission

GOP Heroes Will Shut Down Government Before They Let EPA Communists Force You To Breathe Clean Air

Are you ready for some déjà vu? The Obama Administration is looking to implement a policy that will lead to healthier Americans. And once again, the GOP is frothing and foaming and throwing a temper-tantrum because they fucking HATE healthy (post-embryotic) Americans! And the kicker: they might just shut down the government, take their toys, and go home unless they get their way: President Obama’s new climate change rule could result in a partial government shutdown this fall if Republicans attempt to block the regulations through the appropriations process. Let’s sexsplore why Republicans are determined to ensure you live a short, unhealthy life.  Read more on GOP Heroes Will Shut Down Government Before They Let EPA Communists Force You To Breathe Clean Air…