Author Archives: DDM

  wonksplainer

Congress Planning New, Exciting Ways To Screw You In The Bottom This Fall

Congress
Don’t be a hero. Congress is coming back to DC, and you need this. Raise your hand if you are about to get fucked over by Congress. (Hint: All of you should have a hand raised.) Now use the other hand to pour yourself a stiff drink, because you’re gonna need it. Read more on Congress Planning New, Exciting Ways To Screw You In The Bottom This Fall…
  wonksplainer

More Than Corndog Fellatio Pics: The Iowa State Fair, Wonksplained

Perry seems to have better technique
Rick Perry wins on technique. Every few years, we are #blessed with photos of politicians deep-throating a corndog at Iowa’s state fair. But did you know that there is more to the Iowa State Fair than hot politician-on-food pics? There’s enough meat-on-sticks to make Rick Santorum yearn for a return to the Senate’s weekly butt-fuck night (Tuesdays at 7 pm in Russell 290). There’s a cow made out of enough butter to make Paula Deen momentarily forget the good ol’ days of plantation living. But what makes politicians line up to shake the hands of babies and kiss farmers? What’s this fair all about? Let’s wonksplain. Read more on More Than Corndog Fellatio Pics: The Iowa State Fair, Wonksplained…
  There's gotta be a santorum joke in here somewhere

Hero Alabama Chief Justice Roy Moore Will Block Gay Courthouse Door, For Freedom

Judge DePiazza
Fellow Patriots®, are you tired of the gay agenda being rammed down your throat? Are you afraid that the repeated joyous celebrations of legalized gay marriage exploding all over your face will give you gay herpes of the eye? You are not alone, and we have a hero who has returned from the ashes, like a dung beetle we thought the universe had shat out of existence, only to return like a shit-stained phoenix rising from derp-filled ashes of bigotry: Read more on Hero Alabama Chief Justice Roy Moore Will Block Gay Courthouse Door, For Freedom…
  Will Rape Jokes Ever Get Old?

Mike Huckabee Kicks Off His Maybe-Campaign With Some Prison Rape Jokes, For Jesus

Definitely Not Nuts AT ALL
Since the GOP is so good on the issue of rape, Gov. Mike Huckabee (R-Guitar Hero) decided to make a chapter of his new book dedicated to a rape joke. And some namby-pamby liberals decided to get all butt-hurt over it, because not everyone thinks that rape is the next funniest thing to “concentration camps are a great diet” jokes! Read more on Mike Huckabee Kicks Off His Maybe-Campaign With Some Prison Rape Jokes, For Jesus…
  Post-racial my ass

Off-Duty Black Cops Racisted By White Cops In NYC Because Of Course

Just the black ones, though. And the black adults. But not in a racist way.
If there is one thing that 2014 has taught us, it is that SCOTUS Chief Justice John Roberts was 128 percent correct to overturn the Voting Rights Act because there is no more racisming in America. One only has to look to the NYPD for evidence: Read more on Off-Duty Black Cops Racisted By White Cops In NYC Because Of Course…
  ugh

Who The Hell Is Shelley Moore Capito? A Senator? WTF?

So this Republican, Shelley Moore Capito, is now gonna be the new Senator from West Virginia. And get this: the seat used to be held by a Democrat! What the what? Who is this Senator-elect, and how in the hell did Dems hold on to West Virginia so long? Time for a booze-filled election night wonksplainer. Read more on Who The Hell Is Shelley Moore Capito? A Senator? WTF?…
  nice time!

Kick-Ass Teenager Wins Nobel Peace Prize. What Have You Done With Your Life?

Ok, people, time to turn the snark off for just a little bit. We have some GOOD news to report. The Nobel Peace Prize winners were announced. We’re guessing that recent events took the Palin family out of consideration, so the Nobel Committee decided to honor the most amazingist 17-year-old on the planet, Malala Yousafzai: Read more on Kick-Ass Teenager Wins Nobel Peace Prize. What Have You Done With Your Life?…
  Black-ish

GOP Finds Stock Photos To Be Their New Black Friends

Republicans have a race problem, and continue to do everything they can to make it worse. Most recently they launched the thoroughly mockable #ImARepublican campaign, which turns out to suck even harder than Rick Santorum at Iowa’s annual goat-blowing festival: Read more on GOP Finds Stock Photos To Be Their New Black Friends…
  the gods are smiling on us

Larry ‘Wide Stance’ Craig Is Back! And Guilty! Again!

Life is full of important lessons. Look both ways before crossing the street. If you are a professional sportsball player, don’t domestic violence a woman on video. Ladies, don’t get raped. And today, we learn a political lesson: If you are a closeted Republican politician soliciting anonymous gay sex in airport bathrooms, you CANNOT use campaign funds to try to reverse your guilty plea. Who knew?!? Read more on Larry ‘Wide Stance’ Craig Is Back! And Guilty! Again!…
  Leaving Fast. Possibly Furious.

Eric Holder Peaces Out

Eric Holder has had enough of your shit, Congress. Like most of America, he is probably tired of grandstanding and bullshit partisan nonsense, so he is taking his indictments and going home. Read more on Eric Holder Peaces Out…
  Like Todd Starnes Has Ever Seen A Big Condom

Fox’s Todd Starnes Exposes Big Condom-Public School Industrial Complex

Invading a middle school near you title=
Can’t get enough dick? We can never get enough dick — news about dicks, politicians being dicks, anonymous airport dick, and sometimes dicks talking about dick-things. Enter Todd Starnes, Fox News comment-spewer and host of the physical embodiment of all the worst insinuations of the word “dick.” His latest complaint: Public schools are beholden to Big Condoms. No, not the Magnum condoms that you buy to put in your nightstand to impress ladies who snoop, but which you never use because haha, get real.  We are talking about the Big Condom-Public School Industrial Complex, which is a 100 percent real thing, sheeple. Read more on Fox’s Todd Starnes Exposes Big Condom-Public School Industrial Complex…
  Your ego is writing checks your soul can't cash

Air Force Dishonorably Discharges God

Whenever we have another awful natural disaster that wreaks havoc on America and kills folks, Bible-humpers will have a ready excuse on hand. Climate change? Hahaha, don’t be naive, you moron. Read more on Air Force Dishonorably Discharges God…
  Derp Alert

Pat Robertson Is A F***ing Waste of Space: Lesbian Edition

Pat Robertson decided to open his frothy mouthhole and spew terrible advice to lonely self-hating shut-ins who still watch The 700 Club. On tap this time was a mother worried because her 21-year old daughter is a murderer rapist heathen Methodist LESBIAN!! What’s more, the parents had no idea: Read more on Pat Robertson Is A F***ing Waste of Space: Lesbian Edition…
  Home Is Where The Penis Is

Women Are Just ‘Penis Homes,’ Says Fired Pastor. RNC Job Offer Imminent.

Another mega-church is closing several branches (they have branches? what the fuck?) because of obvious anti-Christian sentiment over a few flippant remarks Pastor Mark Driscoll made that feminazis are taking WAY out of context. Women … amirite? Back us up, all you god-fearing Wonketeers. Seriously, what’s wrong with this: Read more on Women Are Just ‘Penis Homes,’ Says Fired Pastor. RNC Job Offer Imminent….
  Darrell Issa Sucks

More Proof That IRSgate Was F***ing Stupid

It’s Throwback Thursday Friday here at Wonkette, so let’s check in on one of our favorite scandal-not-scandals of last year, IRSgate. In the latest news, it turns out that the special inspector guy in charge of investigating the IRS, the guy whose report started this whole media circus, is a TOTAL PARTISAN HACK WHAT SUCKS AT HIS JERB: Read more on More Proof That IRSgate Was F***ing Stupid…
  Federal Judge Tells Gays To Suck It

Louisiana Federal Judge Screws Gays, Lesbians (And Not In The Good Way)

Can't go wrong with the classics
RICK SANTORUM WINS! After years of spewing vitriol from his frothy mouthhole, his lies about how all the gays are just incesting, dog-humping miscreants has finally managed to convince someone! Unfortunately, that someone is a GODDAM FEDERAL JUDGE from Louisiana: Read more on Louisiana Federal Judge Screws Gays, Lesbians (And Not In The Good Way)…