Author Archives: Cord Jefferson

Full Name: Cord Jefferson Website:
Info: Originally from Tucson, Arizona, Cord Jefferson now lives in Washington where he reports for The Root, Slate and Wonkette. He has only one kidney after donating the second to his once-ill father.
  district of cord

Christmastime Means a District of Drunken Cretins

One thing I noticed the other night, while watching a girl stumble out of Tom Tom and fall headfirst into a cop car, is that people in DC sure do love to get drunk! Not that residents of other cities don’t also like to imbibe, of course, but I’ve never seen anyone in New York get to a happy hour so lickety-split as people in Dupont Circle, who straight up SWARM the Mad Hatter come 5 p.m. — and that place is nothing but a godforsaken morass of analysts trying to do missionary with still more analysts. Now that it’s the Holiday Season, when even responsible people turn to heavy drinking, it’s time for our Yuletide DC Drunken Ground Rules. Read more on Christmastime Means a District of Drunken Cretins…
  district of cord

Where Have All the Payphones Gone?

The other night I was on a very important call with my broker — “Immediately sell all shares in Laughable Olbermann Smugness!” — when my piece of shit cellphone died. I do not own an iPhone or a Blackberry because I like to sometimes look up at the world, but I still feel just as helpless as any other modern sap when my chintzy Nokia talkbox stops working. “Bummer,” I said, which is about as emotional as I can get anymore, because of the Internet. Read more on Where Have All the Payphones Gone?…
  district of cord

The Great DC Drag Queen Race

Up in New York City, the gay bars are called things like “The Cock,” and the go-go boys start going full-nude at about 4 PM. In Los Angeles, all of West Hollywood is gay — especially your favorite action movie heroes. But in DC, “go-go” is a junkyard music I’m still trying to like, and the most popular gay bar is a fratty (but fun!) sports club full of straight people. Read more on The Great DC Drag Queen Race…
  district of cord

DC Men’s Shoes For Clowns and Elves, Not Men

A very kind, smart, attractive young woman I know took grave exception with my denunciation of those medallion shoes all the District’s WASPy women seem to fancy. While willing to admit that perhaps they were, indeed, crap shoes, she was angry that I’d not leveled a similar attack on the preferred footwear of DC men. I’d never particularly noticed the footwear of DC men, but she was right! Read more on DC Men’s Shoes For Clowns and Elves, Not Men…
  district of cord

DC Burger Battle Just a Proxy War For Lawyers v. Humans

Besides Bride Wars, Junkyard Wars and Star Wars, my favorite military engagements are burger wars. Lucky for me, and unlucky for dignity, there are actual adults currently waging a burger war in the heart of Dupont Circle, a really sort of fine part of town that idiot teabaggers call a “gay area.” Lawyers are mad at some burger joint and the burger joint people are all, “Screw you, stupid lawyers” — meaning, they lost to the law firm. I am an unpatriotic vegetarian, so it is educational to watch people get angry about the ground-meat sandwiches! Read more on DC Burger Battle Just a Proxy War For Lawyers v. Humans…
  district of cord

DC Sloths Can’t Stop Complaining About Broken Escalators

This smarmy crybaby in pleated trousers was just bitching so loudly because the escalator at the Shaw metro stop was “broken” yesterday. He was a grown man eating a candy bar, which is against The Subway Rules in the first place, and his too-pretty-for-him girlfriend was in those weird ballet shoes with the Neverending Story medallions on them. (Why is this a thing now?) She nodded her head in taut agreement when he said the outage was “ridiculous,” and you could tell theirs was one of those relationships with a severe pleasure imbalance in the bedroom. Read more on DC Sloths Can’t Stop Complaining About Broken Escalators…
  chocolate city

Teabagger Who Warned of DC Black People Celebrates Black Kid’s Death

What do you do when a young black man you don’t even know dies in a hail of gang-related gunfire? To be honest, I don’t do much but briefly consider the crushing absurdity of violence before getting on with my day. I’m not a particularly religious man, but you might say a little prayer for the deceased, which is fine too! What nobody should ever do is use the young man’s life and death to make some cheap point about how black people really are dangerous thugs. You know who does that? Scummy Tea Party idiots from our recent history. Read more on Teabagger Who Warned of DC Black People Celebrates Black Kid’s Death…
  district of cord

Shameful DC Man Joins Yuppie Cult

As long as Wonkette keeps calling people “Quiznos-stuffed slobs” and “corn-syrup-chugging Hot Pockets monsters,” I figure that it’s only fair that I try not being a wheezing lard burden on society myself. Thus, I’ve been trying frickin’ yoga, an increasingly popular DC pastime in which pretentious people get to sometimes literally sniff each other’s butts like spoiled dogs who went to Ivy League schools and know how to use iPhones. Yay for exercise as a rich person thing! Read more on Shameful DC Man Joins Yuppie Cult…
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DC Chicken Wing Bones Drive Capitol Hill Yuppies Nuts

Where have all the DC hoodoo men gone? Time was you could find a good hoodoo man to bless a mojo bag as easily as you could buy a mediocre sandwich covered in goat cheese at Cosi. Without these neighborhood mystics, Washington residents have no way to deal with the mysterious mountains of chicken bones all over town. The greasy old bones are turning up literally everywhere — and white people are concerned. Read more on DC Chicken Wing Bones Drive Capitol Hill Yuppies Nuts…
  chocolate city

Glenn Beck Loonies Not Looking Forward To DC’s Black People

On the one hand, Washington is the perfect venue for this Saturday’s Glenn Beck Caveman Jamboree/Eagle Cookout: Not only are there goddamn Subways everywhere — the better to measure your salami and Ranch dressing intake in inches — but it’s a scientific fact that the homeless urinate on DC’s public transportation 90% less than they do in New York City, which smells like garbage and diapers all summer anyway. On the other hand, though: THE BLACKS! Read more on Glenn Beck Loonies Not Looking Forward To DC’s Black People…
  chocolate city

Thanks For Building the Capitol, Slaves!

Did you think DC is called the “Chocolate City” because of how pretty much every family values politician/pederast coaxes his interns under his desk with melted Snickers? Well, that is one reason! Another, however, is the black people. There are literally hundreds of black people in our nation’s capital at any one time, sometimes within mere feet of the whitest men in the America, Jake Tapper and George Will and Alan Keyes. Read more on Thanks For Building the Capitol, Slaves!…