One thing I noticed the other night, while watching a girl stumble out of Tom Tom and fall headfirst into a cop car, is that people in DC sure do love to get drunk! Not that residents of other cities don’t also like to imbibe, of course, but I’ve never seen anyone in New York […]

The other night I was on a very important call with my broker — “Immediately sell all shares in Laughable Olbermann Smugness!” — when my piece of shit cellphone died. I do not own an iPhone or a Blackberry because I like to sometimes look up at the world, but I still feel just as […]

Up in New York City, the gay bars are called things like “The Cock,” and the go-go boys start going full-nude at about 4 PM. In Los Angeles, all of West Hollywood is gay — especially your favorite action movie heroes. But in DC, “go-go” is a junkyard music I’m still trying to like, and […]

A very kind, smart, attractive young woman I know took grave exception with my denunciation of those medallion shoes all the District’s WASPy women seem to fancy. While willing to admit that perhaps they were, indeed, crap shoes, she was angry that I’d not leveled a similar attack on the preferred footwear of DC men. […]

Besides Bride Wars, Junkyard Wars and Star Wars, my favorite military engagements are burger wars. Lucky for me, and unlucky for dignity, there are actual adults currently waging a burger war in the heart of Dupont Circle, a really sort of fine part of town that idiot teabaggers call a “gay area.” Lawyers are mad […]

This smarmy crybaby in pleated trousers was just bitching so loudly because the escalator at the Shaw metro stop was “broken” yesterday. He was a grown man eating a candy bar, which is against The Subway Rules in the first place, and his too-pretty-for-him girlfriend was in those weird ballet shoes with the Neverending Story […]

What do you do when a young black man you don’t even know dies in a hail of gang-related gunfire? To be honest, I don’t do much but briefly consider the crushing absurdity of violence before getting on with my day. I’m not a particularly religious man, but you might say a little prayer for […]

As long as Wonkette keeps calling people “Quiznos-stuffed slobs” and “corn-syrup-chugging Hot Pockets monsters,” I figure that it’s only fair that I try not being a wheezing lard burden on society myself. Thus, I’ve been trying frickin’ yoga, an increasingly popular DC pastime in which pretentious people get to sometimes literally sniff each other’s butts […]

Where have all the DC hoodoo men gone? Time was you could find a good hoodoo man to bless a mojo bag as easily as you could buy a mediocre sandwich covered in goat cheese at Cosi. Without these neighborhood mystics, Washington residents have no way to deal with the mysterious mountains of chicken bones […]

On the one hand, Washington is the perfect venue for this Saturday’s Glenn Beck Caveman Jamboree/Eagle Cookout: Not only are there goddamn Subways everywhere — the better to measure your salami and Ranch dressing intake in inches — but it’s a scientific fact that the homeless urinate on DC’s public transportation 90% less than they […]

Did you think DC is called the “Chocolate City” because of how pretty much every family values politician/pederast coaxes his interns under his desk with melted Snickers? Well, that is one reason! Another, however, is the black people. There are literally hundreds of black people in our nation’s capital at any one time, sometimes within […]