Just in time for the November coup by poorly-aging gimp-DILF John McCain, the free states of America are planning to unman our households and militias. Now that Charlton Heston is safely packed in his coffin with a dozen darling rifles, 38 states want to take away our sidearms—those wonderful death-sticks that have for years consoled our bitterness regarding our poverty. (Me, I take my gun to church. Next they will take our nativity scenes and our child brides. Later flesh-coated robots will come and intercourse with our children in the public-private schools.) This initiative is led on numerous fronts: Tiny wonderful oligarch Jew Michael Bloomberg in New York is bullying all of America’s wuss-mayors; and also the extremely liberal Supreme Court is, in D.C. v. Heller, quite possibly planning on taking guns away from D.C. residents, which is exactly where America needs its guns most. You see the larger picture here: we will be defenseless against the bolt-necked army of Cindy McCains. [New York Times]

It’s been my severe pleasure to hang out with you this month as your Fake Wonkette while the Real Wonkette has been away. The good news? She’s back on duty first thing tomorrow. Thank God: y’all were making me kind of itchy, and I just found out Virginia doesn’t have a cooling-off period for handgun sales. MORE »

The White House Correspondents’ Association has issued a statement on White House credentialing, approved at this morning’s meeting:

Since 1914, the White House Correspondents

Sometimes NYT political typer-lady Elisabeth Bumiller totally comes through for us, this time with what is perhaps the gayest White House Letter ever printed:

Last week, a European official said that Mr. Bush was under no illusions. “He knows that Putin is a man loving a strong hand more than democratic institutions,” said the official, who did not want to be publicly quoted characterizing the president’s thinking.

Hot. We’re sorry all the media attention intruded on Bush and Putin’s weiner roast. — C.S.
For Bush and Putin, a Romance With Signs of Rockiness [NYT]

It’s the best punchline to the insane anti-AARP smear ads that began circulating a few weeks ago: their scary gay marriage picture actually happens to be a picture of two real gay guys getting married — and they’re pissed. The gays, apparently two upstanding, troop-supporting, America-loving fellows from Portland, Oregon, have come out scratching today with a cease and desist letter for the ad’s sponsor, USA Next. In a press release sent out today, one of them said “USA Next is illegally using our photo to portray us as a threat to American values. How would any citizen like having their image stolen and broadcast for the purpose of tarring our troops and suggesting that you

Literally threes and maybe tens of the Free Republic kids stormed the Oscars last night, to make some point about Hollywood being against the elections in Iraq. Fucking Hillary Swank man; she hates those Iraqis, you know? I heard she forced Iraqi prisoners to form a naked human pyramid. Oh wait.. From the Freep report:

In retrospect, I think it is important to POUND THE “PURPLE REVOLUTION” SYMBOLISM HOME, OVER AND OVER until it becomes as AT LEAST AS ubiquitous as the idiotic “WAR IS NO THE ANSWER” [sic] bumper stickers.

Yeah, pound that home, boys. That’s the way Hollywood likes it. —C.S.
Hollywood Freep [Free Republic]

He’s still got those suave moves that reel in the ladies. Also note: right hand stuck in swearing-in posture. — C.S.
AFP photo [Yahoo!]

Eric Ueland, chief of staff for Senate Majority Leader Bill Frist, gets a happy, if random, handjob in today’s WaPo. What we learned: he shows up to work at 7 a.m. (Welcome to the club.) He leaves work after 8 p.m. (Welcome to the club.) Notable quotable:

“I am so pumped every morning when I walk in and look up at the Capitol dome,” he said.

From what little we could glean, we like him: we expect him to say fratboyish things like “Dude! I am so fucking amped about this legislation!” and “Bro, the Smith Point pitchers are on me!” —C.S.
A Detail Guy With a Broad Perspective [WaPo]

The Bush Administration is making global AIDS campaigns into faith-based organizations, like it or not:

Under the new antiprostitution requirement, even organizations whose prevention and treatment programs for AIDS have nothing to do with prostitutes must now certify in writing their acceptance of the pledge or face a funding ban. [...] While the administration has focused on prostitution, Republicans in Congress are working to yank federal funding from private groups that advocate or discuss clean-needle exchange programs.

This is where we always get confused in the conservative rhetoric. I thought we were in favor of the free market and enterprise everywhere? Isn’t whoredom one of the purest manifestations of the democracy we’re supposedly spreading globally? Besides, you know: it’s not like we have any hookers in D.C. — C.S.
Bush Ties Money For AIDS Work To a Policy Pledge [WSJ]

The Supreme Court is hearing the Ten Commandments lawsuit this Wednesday, which we find unbearably exciting. We’d kill to hear the twisted arguments that’ll go on over this business. The best part of the lawsuit? The matter of debate — six-foot granite versions of the Ten Commandments that are hosted on goverment property — are actually remnants of a movie promotional campaign, supported by “Ten Commandments” director Cecil B. DeMille. Isn’t that reason enough to have them removed from courthouses—isn’t it bad enough that the Red commie gay Jew liberal mafia of Hollywood has the eyeballs of our children, they also get free advertising to our felons? What if Roman Polanski had sent out towering marble inscriptions of Leviticus 12:5-8 to promote “Rosemary’s Baby”? What about something punchy from Revelations from Roland Emmerich for “The Day After Tomorrow”? We know those Hollywood types are figuring out what advertising message they can get embroidered over Sandra Day O’Connor’s chest right now. — C.S.
The Ten Commandments Reach the Supreme Court [NYT]

Apparently there’s a minor commotion over Ann Coulter’s column last week, which isn’t surprising: hello, she’s a performance artist who works in the medium of kerfuffle. That’s just Annie punching the time clock. Anyway: when her column, defending Jeff Gannon, ran on Universal Press Syndicate last week, a racial identifier got dropped from this sentence:

“Press passes can’t be that hard to come by if the White House allows that old Arab Helen Thomas to sit within yards of the president.”

We’d mildly object to this—or to her increasingly deficient logic—but we have a habit of calling Coulter “that old white biddy,” so that would make us hypocrites. — C.S.
Her Syndicate Runs Edited Version of Ann Coulter Column [E&P]