Jonah Goldberg penned a steaming heap of trash for today’s LA Times, blasting Moroccan strongman Barack Obama for not properly managing America’s foreign relations with Russia and Georgia during these current (oh wait, aborted!) beginnings of World War III. (Not the war with Mexico, different one.) MORE »

THE WIT AND WISDOM OF DANA PERINO, SUPERHERO SPOKESLADY From the press gaggle at the White House yesterday afternoon: “Q. I also wanted to ask you about Afghanistan quickly. What is the President’s reaction to the attempt on President Karzai, and doesn’t it raise questions about the stability of the government security forces there? MS. PERINO: Well, I would point back to one thing that the President has said, which is that when you are dealing with terrorists you have to be right 100 percent of the time and they only have to be right once.” Oh sure! Unlike with, say, rapists and car mechanics. [White House]

Once upon a time there was a war in a faraway magical place called Vietnam. This was before the Internet! (Well, the public internet at least. DoD geeks started building their internet in 1969. Manhunt was probably a lot hotter then!) And all the hippies made angry silkscreen posters against the war, and some of them were kind of awesome. You see, before the Internet, people had to print and distribute things as a means of communication. And there was a thing called “graphic design.” Smoke a bowl with Choire, after the jump.

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Everyone To Ralph Nader: PISS OFF AND NOW Ralph Nader, our lovable Ay-rab independent presidential candidate (who was a long-time friend of Israel-stone-throwing-at academic Edward Said), is now hated by absolutely everyone, but especially the people who worked for his last campaign. All his old seatbelt-loving, tree-hugging, corporation-despising non-profit pals want nothing to do with him and his plans to ease our Lord and Savior John McCain into the Oval Office. Why will Nader not understand that non-Republicans need to make a not-difficult choice between two nearly identical candidates, one or both of whom will go on to serve as a ball of string for John “Big Angry War Cat” McCain later this year? Old fool. [The New Republic]

Hot, bald and stumpy Navy Rear Admiral Robert Harward is pulling a coup, thanks to our brave tribal leader George W. Bush. At the President’s recommendation, he’s jumping from one star to three-star vice admiral, a rare double promotion. How much enduring of freedom has Harward done to get such love from our beloved President? Why Harward, and not other SEALs such as crazed wrestler-governor Jesse Ventura or Vietnam killer of children and current New School president Bob Kerrey? MORE »

John McCain, who is not as rich as the Clintons, because he does not have Douglas Band charging starlets’ creepy boyfriends like Raffaello Follieri to be their friends (only later to have a press spokesman throw them under the boss when the WSJ calls) and because he does not help people get Kazakh uranium mining rights in exchange for donations to his foundation, wants to get in good with the riches. His fiscal solutions for America? Bankrupt the Treasury and install a winning trickle-down series of tax breaks for the rich and the corporate city-states. Though it is totally laughable and stupid, it is actually still a much more coherent plan than the ones by his left-wing rivals, who actually promise stuff like that every poor person will have a “green-collar job” retrofitting all of America’s schools, all at the same time. [Washington Post]

Just last month, 78-year-old Arlen Specter, campaign finance reform advocate and Senator from PA—our State of the Week!—released his book about beating the cancer while secretly not at all running the government. (The Amazon reviews are in! “If you like this idiocy, you’ll LOVE his first collaborative work of fiction, The Warren Commission Report! His next book is entitled ‘How to take on the NFL without looking like you’re the bag man for Comcast.’”) Now, in an inordinately cruel and stunning coup by his publishers and the Pope’s God, his cancer is back. (Good news: it’s not back super-bad, though he’ll be having the chemo.) His book is currently number one on Amazon in the category “Books / Health, Mind & Body / Cancer,” despite the fact that it needs a new afterword, STAT. Specter has already survived a brain tumor (twice!) and coronary bypass surgery, which means God cannot kill him; this is highly suspicious. [Philly Inquirer]

BUSH BUCKLES TO GREENS! Extremely thoughtful President Bush today will set goals for the control of so-called “Greenhouse Gases” by the United States of America. According to a White House press secretary, Bush does “not intend to lay out a specific plan for achieving the reductions.” Barack Obama could not be reached for comment because the Greenpeace-loving candidate was crying at the seashore, petting a baby seal. [New York Times]

The Pope is allegedly landing right now—if God is on his side, at least, and if they are not lying to us. (Or maybe God wants to kill him on American soil! God is A CRAZY, DANGEROUS BASTARD. Sort of like a Vietnam Vet with Asperger’s on the glue.) The President is welcoming the Pope at Andrews Air Force Base. Pope Ratzi will be sleeping tonight at 3339 Massachusetts Ave. NW, so maybe don’t go trolling for gay sex up by Cheney’s house tonight. D.C. will now be a mess until Friday, when the Popester goes on up to further clog New York. Just in case you should meet him, in his funny little costume, maybe you’d like to know about his religion?

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The U.S. Army is demanding more money RIGHT NOW for their $160-billion dollar World Peace Force Futurization scheme, in which ordinary hero soldiers (at least, the ones who get stop-lossed back to Iraq in the year 2012) will be given powered exoskeletons and magnetorheological fluid suits which turn from liquid to solid, thereby preventing anyone from dying ever again in our awesome war. There will also be 50,000 volt electric guns for when we fight the giant insects on Planet P—and the thrilling if seemingly rickety Non-Line-of-Sight Cannons seen in the video above, which come complete with exciting rock music! Also the Army would apparently like some vehicles that do not blow up all the time. But this can only happen if they get $252 million more dollars RIGHT NOW. If not, then it is curtains for Caspar van Dien and all the other shirtless hotties proudly serving us overseas on this beautiful tax day. [Army Times]

CATHOLICS TO TAKE RADICAL STANCE AGAINST SEX WITH CHILDREN Brave Pope Ratzi spoke out today on his plane ride to our America: “Pope Benedict XVI said on Tuesday that following the Roman Catholic Church’s child sexual abuse scandals in the United States, the church is reviewing candidates for the priesthood with the objective of excluding those with a tendency to molest children.” The Pope will land this afternoon in Maryland, around the time school lets out. [New York Times]