Blair Burke

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Blair Burke obsessively follows Michelle Obama's every move and fashion decision for Wonkette's The FLOTUS Files feature, which appears here every Monday.

Here Is Just A Video Of Michelle Obama Dancing, For Fun And Nice-Time!

Watch this video! It is our First Lady Michelle Obama and what appears to be the mom who was way too involved at your middle school/Jimmy Fallon, doing a silly dance! It is the combined birthday wish of both...

Michelle Obama Invites Awesome Haitian Lady To SOTU FLOTUS Box

Your FLOTUS correspondent can smell an ABC Family original movie a mile away, and this one smells like some combination of Ruby Bridges, that documentary about the choir for elderly people, and scallions. It is the story of...

News Media Squeals With Delight About Michelle Obama ‘Vogue’ Possibility

There is a rumor going 'round that the gorgeous visage of our beloved First Lady Michelle Obama will be gracing grocery store check-out aisles everywhere come next month. No, they have not started carrying Candy magazine at the...

Nation Celebrates Roe v. Wade Birthday With Scary Videos, Hypocrisy, Balloons

Libruls really hit the holiday jackpot this week! First, we had Martin Luther King, Jr. Day and Inauguration Day at the same time, which appropriately coincided with the made-up Fox News holiday, "Sadness Day" (a holiday Olds celebrate by...

Michelle Obama Becomes Transsexual Magazine Star, As Mayans Probably Predicted

You are of course familiar with Candy magazine, America's first and most beloved "transversal style" periodical. (Not to be confused with Candy magazine, the magazine dedicated to Filipino youth.) Previous Candy covers have featured James Franco and Chloe Sevigny...

Second Term Michelle Obama Will Win Grammy, Keep Stealing Your Favorite Snacks

Good day to you, FLOTUS fans! How have you been lately? Have you been obeying your morning arm-workout regimen or have you been binge eating in your bathroom? Michelle is always watching, you know! Your FLOTUS correspondent has been...

Farewell Janice Daniels, Celebrated Homophobe Mayor and Facebook Poet

As we continue to mourn our Fallen Heroes, let us not forget Mayor Janice Daniels of Troy, Michigan! This beloved character danced onto the pages of our Wonkette storybook earlier this year, when she put on her Snuggie, logged...

Cory Booker Will Bring You Some Blankets in His Sexxy New Tumblr

Those shameless libruls are at it again, making jokes about your teenage daughters and black men and THE SEXING. Only this time, these concepts are being strategically interwoven into a new hawt Tumblr, "Cory Booker Hey Girl" (much more...

The Inevitable ‘Who Wore It Best?’ Michelle Obama vs. Ann Romney Smackdown

Before going into too much detail, the answer is Michelle Obama. Always. Unless of course the question is, "Who ate the rest of my french fries?" (The answer to that question used to be The Snowbilly, but now who...

Twitter Elects Michelle Obama President of Speeches

Last night, First Lady Michelle Obama gave her DNC speech, and in a pink Tracy Reese dress (stylish and symbolic, of course), our FLOTUS verbally kickboxed Mitt Romney in the junk. There were those lines, "Being president doesn’t change...

Michelle Obama Does Topless Magazine Cover For Filthy Europeans

Here is the great news for those of us who have longed for some FLOTUS in our lives these past few days: Michelle Obama is involved in another scandal again, and surprise surprise, it involves Spain and France and...

Michelle Obama Threatened By Cops, People Who Hate Spider-Man Musicals

One would think that the words following "Michelle Obama threatened by..." would be something along the lines of "Slurpee Machine Technicians" or "Vengeful Hoveround Gang." Actually, though, the threats made against the First Lady's life in recent days...

Michelle Obama Jumps Rope To Amusement of Obese Kelly Ripa Fans

Why hello, FLOTUS fans. Have you been wondering what your First Lady Michelle Antoinette Obama has been up to the past few weeks? Anything particularly scandalous aside from hanging out on Pinterest looking at pictures of smoothies and going...

Michelle Obama Releases Fancy Book About Gardening

As promised, our First Lady Michelle Obama has published her first book. It is a book about gardening, and if "The Help" is any indication, it is sure to be a bestseller, because isn't it probably the same thing,...

Queen of Italy Michelle Obama Will Receive Free Olive Oil Forever

So we all know by now that our First Lady Michelle Obama hates Oprah and taunted her with pie, or whatever, who cares. Our FLOTUS really has no time for ridiculous accusations, because in case you haven't noticed,...

Michelle Obama Is Weak On Obesity, Nation Keeps Getting Fatter

Hey there, you might want to put down your Fritos for a second, because this is gross: In 2005, "being obese or overweight caused an estimated 216,000 deaths from heart disease, diabetes and other conditions, researchers estimated, while...