Blair Burke
Blair Burke obsessively follows Michelle Obama's every move and fashion decision for Wonkette's The FLOTUS Files feature, which appears here every Monday.
Here Is Just A Video Of Michelle Obama Dancing, For Fun And Nice-Time!
Watch this video! It is our First Lady Michelle Obama and what appears to be the mom who was way too involved at your middle school/Jimmy Fallon, doing a silly dance! It is the combined birthday wish of both your Editrix Rebecca and FLOTUS Correspondent Blair that you watch this video and do not think [...]
Michelle Obama Invites Awesome Haitian Lady To SOTU FLOTUS Box
Your FLOTUS correspondent can smell an ABC Family original movie a mile away, and this one smells like some combination of Ruby Bridges, that documentary about the choir for elderly people, and scallions. It is the story of Desaline Victor. Who is Desaline Victor? “At age 102, it’s possible Desaline Victor is the oldest guest [...]
News Media Squeals With Delight About Michelle Obama ‘Vogue’ Possibility
There is a rumor going ’round that the gorgeous visage of our beloved First Lady Michelle Obama will be gracing grocery store check-out aisles everywhere come next month. No, they have not started carrying Candy magazine at the Piggly Wiggly. It’s Vogue! “USA TODAY’s David Jackson confirms that Annie Leibovitz was at the White House [...]
Nation Celebrates Roe v. Wade Birthday With Scary Videos, Hypocrisy, Balloons
Libruls really hit the holiday jackpot this week! First, we had Martin Luther King, Jr. Day and Inauguration Day at the same time, which appropriately coincided with the made-up Fox News holiday, “Sadness Day” (a holiday Olds celebrate by eating burnt pot roast and scowling at Wheel of Fortune). But the fun did not stop [...]
Michelle Obama Becomes Transsexual Magazine Star, As Mayans Probably Predicted
You are of course familiar with Candy magazine, America’s first and most beloved “transversal style” periodical. (Not to be confused with Candy magazine, the magazine dedicated to Filipino youth.) Previous Candy covers have featured James Franco and Chloe Sevigny in drag because hey, why not? Those people are super boring, though, compared to this month, [...]
Second Term Michelle Obama Will Win Grammy, Keep Stealing Your Favorite Snacks
Good day to you, FLOTUS fans! How have you been lately? Have you been obeying your morning arm-workout regimen or have you been binge eating in your bathroom? Michelle is always watching, you know! Your FLOTUS correspondent has been busy these past few weeks, considering a run for Jesse Jackson, Jr.’s congressional seat. (This is [...]
Farewell Janice Daniels, Celebrated Homophobe Mayor and Facebook Poet
As we continue to mourn our Fallen Heroes, let us not forget Mayor Janice Daniels of Troy, Michigan! This beloved character danced onto the pages of our Wonkette storybook earlier this year, when she put on her Snuggie, logged into her The Facebook account, and started yelling “QUEERS!!!!” at children. It did not take long [...]
Cory Booker Will Bring You Some Blankets in His Sexxy New Tumblr
Those shameless libruls are at it again, making jokes about your teenage daughters and black men and THE SEXING. Only this time, these concepts are being strategically interwoven into a new hawt Tumblr, “Cory Booker Hey Girl” (much more sneaky than two short weeks ago, when Lena Dunham explained the importance of losing one’s virginity [...]
The Inevitable ‘Who Wore It Best?’ Michelle Obama vs. Ann Romney Smackdown
Before going into too much detail, the answer is Michelle Obama. Always. Unless of course the question is, “Who ate the rest of my french fries?” (The answer to that question used to be The Snowbilly, but now who knows?!) If you watched last night’s debate long enough to see the spouses emerge from the [...]
Twitter Elects Michelle Obama President of Speeches
Last night, First Lady Michelle Obama gave her DNC speech, and in a pink Tracy Reese dress (stylish and symbolic, of course), our FLOTUS verbally kickboxed Mitt Romney in the junk. There were those lines, “Being president doesn’t change who you are – it reveals who you are,” and “Success isn’t about how much money [...]
Michelle Obama Does Topless Magazine Cover For Filthy Europeans
Here is the great news for those of us who have longed for some FLOTUS in our lives these past few days: Michelle Obama is involved in another scandal again, and surprise surprise, it involves Spain and France and being an African and, oh wait, NUDITY. And once our nation’s bucket hat-wearing slobs and zombie [...]
Michelle Obama Threatened By Cops, People Who Hate Spider-Man Musicals
One would think that the words following “Michelle Obama threatened by…” would be something along the lines of “Slurpee Machine Technicians” or “Vengeful Hoveround Gang.” Actually, though, the threats made against the First Lady’s life in recent days came from – surprise! – a police officer and a run-of-the-mill moron. First, a D.C. police officer [...]
Michelle Obama Jumps Rope To Amusement of Obese Kelly Ripa Fans
Why hello, FLOTUS fans. Have you been wondering what your First Lady Michelle Antoinette Obama has been up to the past few weeks? Anything particularly scandalous aside from hanging out on Pinterest looking at pictures of smoothies and going around, giving advice to hopelessly unemployed college graduates? Oh, here is something to freak out about: [...]
Michelle Obama Releases Fancy Book About Gardening
As promised, our First Lady Michelle Obama has published her first book. It is a book about gardening, and if “The Help” is any indication, it is sure to be a bestseller, because isn’t it probably the same thing, except with Mexicans? Apparently, no! “Michelle’s Secret Garden,” as we like to call it, or “American [...]
Queen of Italy Michelle Obama Will Receive Free Olive Oil Forever
So we all know by now that our First Lady Michelle Obama hates Oprah and taunted her with pie, or whatever, who cares. Our FLOTUS really has no time for ridiculous accusations, because in case you haven’t noticed, we have an obesity crisis on our hands. Michelle Obama is hard at work trying to stop [...]
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