Author Archives: Arielle Fleisher

Full Name: Arielle Fleisher Website:
Info: Arielle Fleisher is the Wonkabout. She roams D.C. seeking tasty foods, cheap drinks, whole-pig BBQs, think tank events, street fairs and other local horrors.
  occupy higher education

Obama Says College Will Be Affordable Again One Day, Maybe

Greetings old friends! It’s your Wonkabout on Special Assignment for your Wonkette to report on Obama’s college affordability speech at the University of Michigan where she just happens to be doing some learning of her own these days. So what did our dear President have to say to a crowd of hopeless college students hungover from Thirsty Thursday about why their education now costs 16 kajillion dollars? Read more on Obama Says College Will Be Affordable Again One Day, Maybe…
  important announcements regarding your wonkette

Tattooed Pig Urges Wonkabout To Leave DC (Goodbye Forever!)

Well hello! After two years of eating and drinking her way around this city so you could know which small plates, pork, hamburger or pizza establishment is worthy of your hard-earned disposable income, it is time for your Wonkabout to leave the playground that is D.C. She is off to learn things in grad school, after which she’ll probably be unemployed, burdened by debt and unable to afford her pork habit. Wish her luck! But really, it was all fun and games until tattooing a dead pig for charity became an acceptable D.C. springtime activity … and then she knew it was time to go. Read more on Tattooed Pig Urges Wonkabout To Leave DC (Goodbye Forever!)…
  before it all goes to hell

Pre-Swamp Sweat Fest Fun: The Many Ways To Enjoy DC Spring

Happy third day of Passover to all our Jewish friends and a hoppy almost Easter to “everyone else!” Jews eating matza and the celebration of when Jesus returned to say “howdy” to all his followers before going away again are two exciting occasions that mark fertility, horny rabbits, and most importantly, spring. Before we enter the sweat feast that is D.C. in the summer when thousands of young impressionable political science majors will come to D.C. to flaunt their stapling skills and flocks of fanny-packed tourists will roll around town in their Segways, we get D.C.’s most enjoyable season, spring. This means there is pig to be eaten and patios to be enjoyed. Read more on Pre-Swamp Sweat Fest Fun: The Many Ways To Enjoy DC Spring…
  now that it's almost over

Keep That Shutdown Spirit Alive In Semi-Back-To-Normal D.C.

Post-no-government-shutdown blues? Everyone was all excited for the anarchy and lawlessness, that is, until they came after the hoohaws of D.C.’s low-income women. Even if D.C.’s mayor did go to jail to protest the Republican Riders, short of throwing fetuses on Boehner’s lawn, it seems like Washingtonians are just going to have to go back to doing what they do best: indiscriminately disposing of income at a food and beer establishment. Which takes us to H Street NE, where, for its newest act, it has unveiled a Mongolian restaurant where food is consumed under the faded glare of multiple flat screen teevees. D.C. at its best! Read more on Keep That Shutdown Spirit Alive In Semi-Back-To-Normal D.C….
  these things happen

D.C. Itinerary For 800,000 Furloughed Federal Employees

Washington is usually such a lively place, with its rats and whores and millionaires and non-essential government employees. How will D.C. change when the Federal Government actually shuts down forever Friday at Midnight? Maybe you like the socialist safety and security of your paycheck and don’t care for this unpaid, forced spring break? Or maybe you’re excited that this has the potential to be as much fun as snowmageddon, only without the snow and the paid time off? The reality for D.C. is rather unpleasant: No trash pick up,  no fixing the potholes, government workers struggling to survive without their BlackBerrys, and thousands of tourists on Segway tours to nowhere because all the attractions are shut down. Other than dumping your trash in front of Boenher’s house, here are some suggestions for how to make it though the Shutdown. Read more on D.C. Itinerary For 800,000 Furloughed Federal Employees…
  New Restaurants

Freedom From Fancy Culinary Tricks: Just Succulent Morsels of Meat

Apparently, in our little small-plates metropolis it is possible to have a simple, non-pork-based meal in a nice, modestly decorated restaurant. For a while there we had resigned ourselves a life where we would get all our nutrients from bacon-covered doughnuts and to drinking beer only from mason jars in dimly lit restaurants. This is why we’re excited that we can use the words “good value” and “simple” to describe Medium Rare, a new steakhouse in the semi-revived Cleveland Park. Maybe you’re of the rare breed that likes to eat well priced, decidedly undercooked, tender, succulent morsels of meat? Read more on Freedom From Fancy Culinary Tricks: Just Succulent Morsels of Meat…
  radioactive flowering trees

A Children’s Treasury of Japanese Tree Flowers

There are many great things that come with the start of spring, like homeless people returning to Dupont Circle, tourists on Segways, free cone day, and Jesus. Of all the obligatory D.C. spring activities, though, there’s nothing more loved than staring at the cherry blossoms, even if those pretty pink blossoms look exactly the same every year. But, since Japan is just awful these days, and because we’re all but one old Brita filter away from radiation poisoning, we thought now is a good time to figure out what exactly cherry blossoms are and how they ended up in the nation’s capital. Read more on A Children’s Treasury of Japanese Tree Flowers…
  barack obama got you a cupcake

The Confectionery Lobby: D.C.’s Cupcakes Have Gone Too Far

It turns out that the biggest evil in this great nation isn’t the Koch Brothers after all. Their evil is no match for “heaping swirls of luscious confection atop rich, creamy pastry,” also known as cupcakes. You see, while this set of extremist billionaires was busy using their money to Kochblock unions, students from voting, et cetera and so forth, cupcakes were being used by lobbyists for AT&T to influence policy: 1,500 cupcakes supplied by D.C.’s own Georgetown Cupcake were delivered by AT&T to the F.C.C.’s headquarters while the F.C.C. was debating how Internet service providers should manage their traffic- and just as AT&T was looking into merging with T-Mobile. Yes, courtesy of a local D.C. business, this once innocent sugary concoction that you may remember from your childhood is now a lobbyist’s wet dream. Read more on The Confectionery Lobby: D.C.’s Cupcakes Have Gone Too Far…
  today we are all tourists

Near Total Destruction of Japan Will Not Mark the End of Cherry Blossoms

These little pink flower-y things that were a gift from good old Japan will soon be a bloomin’ all over the Tidal Basin. Yes, we are about to enter the dark and scary tourist-infested time that is Cherry Blossom Season—which, haha, this year perfectly coincides with the next Tea Party Protest. Soon there will be an epic battle of fanny pack wearing tourists on Segways versus adoring old Teabaggers on scooters, and the real losers will be the actual inhabitants of D.C. who will have to deal with this onslaught of out-of-towners. But, if there were ever a year to brave the annoying tourists and Tea Party Tards to see the pretty pink bloomage, we guess it would be this one, right? Do it for Japan! Read more on Near Total Destruction of Japan Will Not Mark the End of Cherry Blossoms…
  New Restaurants

And So Continues the Ironic Consumption of Pig

With all the economic unpleasantness and the wars and the fact that our quinoa habit is slowly starving South Americans, here’s something to take comfort in: a new spot for the disposing of income, Standard. It’s a food truck without wheels where you’re charged sales tax on your bill — this is also known as a restaurant. And yet it has everything this city loves: a New York equivalent, beer served by the liter, pork, and a large outdoor patio. Why else would Washingtonians be so eager to eat and drink at a restaurant that resembles a prison yard? Read more on And So Continues the Ironic Consumption of Pig…
  must be the dope fumes

Local Gas Station Now Serves Gourmet Eats, Because Why Not?

Washingtonians are notoriously wary of dining in an actual building. The city’s cubicle drones prefer to wait in the godawful humidity for lobster rolls or to wander around a parking lot while consuming slow-roasted happy pork. But consuming gourmet, extremely satisfying food under a roof has finally become an Okay Thing To Do Again — because it can now be done in a Gas Station. Hooray for the glorious combination of gasoline fumes and Cubano sandwiches! Read more on Local Gas Station Now Serves Gourmet Eats, Because Why Not?…
  uppity neighbors

Eastern Market: Yuppieville Forever

Eastern Market is one of the last remaining areas in D.C. that hasn’t really attempted to find its New York stripes. It’s managed to stay classically and quintessentially yuppie! The kind of place where people engage in Civil Discourse and where there are real live actual children. Lots of them! Considering what a bad week the yuppies have had–food trucks were harassed (!), oh, and NPR, too–now may be a good time to celebrate this little yuppie haven and to welcome its newest restaurant, pound, which happens to be following the lower-case-monosyllabic restaurant name trend. Why do yuppies hate syllables so much? Read more on Eastern Market: Yuppieville Forever…
  uh are you ready for some football

Incompetent D.C. Government Crooked (Also: PBR)

It’s been a while since we’ve explored the backwards world that is D.C. politics, so here goes: Some five months ago, when bike lanes and education were still the rage, Adrian Fenty, champion of white-people causes, was Mayor of D.C. But one can only get so far when backed by the PBR lobby, and so he was replaced by Vincent Gray who, it turns out, (allegedly) paid another man to try to undermine Fenty’s campaign in return for a job. Whoops! In some circles this is illegal/ generally not a good idea. But let’s focus on the more important things. D.C. has a new PBR dispensary: Touchdown on U Street. Read more on Incompetent D.C. Government Crooked (Also: PBR)…
  sports charity ball-throwing events

Stabilize Your Blood Sugar and Dodge Balls To End Diabetes

In this great age of anus burgers and bacon-covered doughnuts, most of us will be killed by diabetes — and that means it would probably be smart to start donating to diabetes organizations right now. And next week, there’s a way to help fight diabetes in two ways: Grab life by the balls and participate in the 6th Annual Dodging Diabetes Charity Dodgeball Tournament next Sunday in Rockville. Read more on Stabilize Your Blood Sugar and Dodge Balls To End Diabetes…
  things-to-do while h street is still cool

H Street: Now a Mainstream Urban Oasis

H Street NE is notable for its ill-paved streets and random assortment of eclectic bars and restaurants. It’s our very own Epcot-like recreation of Brooklyn! And because it’s deliberately thematic, it has managed to avoid the onslaught of bistros–nondescript, sterile, nice restaurants that thrive on euphemisms (“approachable cuisine” anyone?). But Smith Commons, a new restaurant on H Street is all that, and it leaves us wondering what’s becoming of this former open-air crack market. Read more on H Street: Now a Mainstream Urban Oasis…
  freebies

The Lifesaving Power of IHOP’s Semi-Edible Poison (Maybe)

Some cancers get big fancy races on the National Mall, the support of the NFL, full rights over a color, and the satisfaction of raising millions of dollars for education and research. Some cancers even get the support of the brothers Koch, which is morally confusing. Other cancers, though, have to settle for the donations people may or may not make after eating a free stack of buttermilk pancakes from their local 24-hour lard shop. It’s hard out there when you’re not America’s Favorite Cancer or America’s Villains’ Favorite Cancer, so if you feel like doing something to help eradicate Leukemia and/or Lymphoma, eat pancakes at IHOP today. Read more on The Lifesaving Power of IHOP’s Semi-Edible Poison (Maybe)…
  food/booze news!

Events For Ladies, Drunks and Armchair Revolutionaries

Saturday, February 26: Though you may prefer to spend your Saturday nights at a Beer Palace, sequestered in darkness and glazed in booze, there’s nothing wrong with doing something a little bit different this Saturday. Like learning about vaginas, for charity! V-Day D.C. will be performing The Vagina Monologues Saturday at 3PM and again at 7PM at the Universalist National Memorial Church. Tickets are $10. [Vagina Monologues] Read more on Events For Ladies, Drunks and Armchair Revolutionaries… Read more on Events For Ladies, Drunks and Armchair Revolutionaries…
  yeeeahhh french toast

Fighting Obesity With Sophisticated Lard

Were you worried about the fate of upscale donuts? True, in D.C., they already come topped with bacon, or dipped in gold and stuffed with foie gras and whatnot, but this will not suffice. There is SO much potential for these little round balls of sugar that offer no nutritional value! Are they being served out of a truck? We didn’t think so. But have no fear, as our top priority is thinking of ways to make the artery-clogging food eaten by Real Americans into something so absurdly gluttonous that it’s good enough for People Like Us, we now have donut french toast. For brunch! Read more on Fighting Obesity With Sophisticated Lard…
  the great indoors

The Sun Does Not Set On Hibernation

Would you look at that, the sun has decided to come out in D.C. in February, the most miserable and pointless of all months. Nothing good ever happens in February. Maybe it’s out because now that CPAC is over there are less wingnuts in town so the Sun can resume doing elite activities like shining. Or because, hooray, Washington is DONE with the Recession as D.C.’s super-rich hectomillionaires are once again able to doodle on their iPads and run off to France with ease! Sun or not, maybe it’s best to stay inside, forever. Now that there’s nothing good to watch on Al Jazeera Live anymore, here are some fun indoor activities patriotic Americans can do other than sitting at their desks watching porn: Read more on The Sun Does Not Set On Hibernation…
  food/booze news!

Honor the Founding Fathers With Booze, Half-Smokes, and Chocolate

Thursday, February 17: Why should Valentine’s Day only be one day, when the holiday can bring joy/ money all month long? Now February is chocolate month, and this Thursday is “Chocolate Lover’s Day,” but at least it means free chocolate: Urbana, Firefly, and other Kimpton Hotels will be giving out complimentary chocolates and wine on Thursday from 5-7 PM. [GregsListDC] Read more on Honor the Founding Fathers With Booze, Half-Smokes, and Chocolate… Read more on Honor the Founding Fathers With Booze, Half-Smokes, and Chocolate…
  soft bigotry of low expectations

Wal-Mart Bringing FOUR Wonderful Wal-Marts To D.C.

The world’s largest retailer for the world’s largest customers, Wal-Mart, has decided to open four stores in the Nation’s Capital. For one (usually good) reason or another — China, jobs, lead poisoning, the destruction of entire American towns — people who have never had to suffer the fate of buying Wal-Mart boxes of corn-syrup Phat Clusterz or Hannah Montana jeggings still claim to despise these superstores. But there’s another reason to hate Wal-Mart, according to the wise leaders of Washington: Poor people are so entranced by the aisles and aisles of shiny junk, they just can’t stop themselves from shoplifting! Read more on Wal-Mart Bringing FOUR Wonderful Wal-Marts To D.C….