Search Results for “"bryan fischer"”

Bryan Fischer Wishes Michelle Obama Would Do Something About All These Husky Lesbians

  Called On The Carpet
Bryan Fischer, his finger ever on the pulse of the American zeitgeist (assuming that the American zeitgeist is far up his own ass, which we have no reason to doubt), is not going to make fun of a National Institutes of Health-funded study that’s looking at why lesbians may be prone to obesity. He’s not even going to call it wasteful. No, instead, he’s going to suggest concrete action: He wants Michelle Obama to show that she ca...

Congratulations, Deport-The-Kids Patriots! Kids Returned To Honduras, Killed.

  As Ye Have Done It Unto One Of The Least Of These
Sorry about that. America's full, you see.
Some inspiring news for the deport-everyone-immediately crowd today: According to a Los Angeles Times report, “at least five, and as many as 10, of the 42 children” who have been killed in criminal violence in Honduras since February had been deported from the United States, according to the manager of a city morgue in San Pedro Sula. Not that anyone could have seen that coming, except for the human rights workers who warned that it...

Rick Perry Indicted, Must Now Resign According to Rick Perry

  Best oops yet
Dear Jesus, please send a really good defense
Considering that the past week was basically terrible, awful, THE WORST EVER, it’s nice that we were treated to this delightful Friday night news dump that Gov. Rick Perry (R-Can’t Remember) is facing up to a century of prison time for “intentionally or knowingly” abusing the power of his office to do naughty things: Perry found himself indicted by an Austin grand jury for two felonies: abuse of official capacity, and co...

Sky News Reporter Gives You Plane Crash News You Can Use By Ransacking Dead Child’s Luggage

  he reports we snide
Ever since the Malaysian airliner was shot down by a surface-to-air missile on Thursday, so very many people have used it as an opportunity to be terrible. See, for example, Wonkette hate favorite Bryan Fischer, who is pretty sure that it was awesome that a whole bunch of AIDS researchers were killed and also too why won’t Obama shut up about the damn gays? And let’s not even get started on every conservative explaining that Dead...

Bryan Fischer Thinking Good Thoughts About AIDS Researchers Dying On Plane. No, Really. He’s Thinking ‘Good’

  so lange and thanks
...#8221; by saying words with his mouth about it. DAMN YOU OBAMA. Luckily, the American Family Association’s Bryan Fischer is here to pack 87 distinctly grotesque “thoughts” into just one little tweet. How did he manage to cram so much in there? We are guessing “lube and patience.” Here is Bryan Fischer. Wow, right? First, we would just like to note for the record that Joep Lange, who was on his way to the conferen...

Nice Time! Canadian Teen Makes Sure Students Can Learn About Slut Pills

  oh canada
Are you one of those people that keeps contemplating moving to Canada every time something awful in America happens, like George W. Bush being president, the Hobby Lobby decision, or the inexplicable continued popularity of The Bachelor? Us too! Lately, we’ve been living in a near constant state of rage and despair over the fact that creepy Christian business owners everywhere are going to make sure we can’t have birth control becau...

Bryan Fischer Explains: God Can’t Stand These Awful Immigrant Children

  bordering on insanity
Oh, thank goodness! American Patriarchy Association radio figurehead Bryan Fischer has weighed in on the Send the Children Away Crisis, and just wants everyone to know that Jesus would want those little would-be moochers sent home pronto, and possibly for their houses to burn down, too. You see, what the stupid immigrant-coddlers don’t understand is that God made the southern border of the United States, with a little help from James K. Po...

Bryan Fischer Blessed My Hot Gay Marriage

  a visit to the goon squad
Yr Wonkette is pleased to bring you a special guest bloogpost by longtime commenter ElviouslyQueer. And congratulations, EQ! What has your intrepid correspondent, the beloved Elviouslyqueer, been up to this weekend? GLAD YOU ASKED! I was in Minnesota, at the Mall of America, getting my very gay ass™ very officially gay married on Saturday (there was a chapel! There were beads! There was booze galore, and delicious cake!). I even rode a mechani...

American Family Association Presents Best Hobby Lobby Poll Ever

  the most unskewed poll ever
...winning, and there aren’t even any options that trolls can have fun with. Ripoff, man. Also, AFA’s Bryan Fischer knows exactly why the decision came down as it did, and how Terrible Barack Obama will respond to it: We almost think that super-patriot Bryan Fischer has absolutely know idea how government actually works, maybe. And of course, Erick, Son of Erick, was in an ebullient mood, and weighed in with some jolly slut-shaming,...

Virginia Legislators Want ‘Redskins Pride Caucus’ Because They Are Terrible And Stupid

  what are words for?
We’ve made no secret of the fact that we think the name “Washington Redskins” is some straight up racist bullshit, mainly because it is some straight up racist bullshit. But there are many people who feel pretty proud and pretty wedded to the name, which might — MIGHT — be forgivable if the proud wedded people were actual factual Native Americans that were into reclaiming the slur or whatever. Instead, this is just...

American Family Association Will Not Touch Harvey Milk Stamps For Fear Of Catching Gay Cooties

  milk bath
The American Family Association, home of perpetual source of Wonkette material Bryan Fischer, is most put out by the United States Postal Service right now. Did the USPS fail to deliver the donations grifted out of uneducated rubes that are the AFA’s lifeblood? Did it “accidentally” deliver several dozen copies of Bear Magazine to AFA’s headquarters? What dastardly deed on the part of the post office has the AFA so perturbed? The Harvey Mi...

Stop Persecuting Christians By Letting Gays Shop In Your Stores!

  it's called capitalism bitches
Are you guys worried about Bryan Fischer? We’re totally worried about Bryan Fischer. There’s just so much homosexxican behavior going on right now that he and his organization of fellow incoherent rageaholics, the American Family Association, are kind of losing track of reality. The latest salvo from the AFA is aimed at businesses who aren’t willing to douse gays in lighter fluid and light them on fire, all in the name of Jesu...

Bryan Fischer So Mad The NFL Won’t Tell Michael Sam He Is Going To Die Of AIDS

  lies damn lies and statistics
Bryan Fischer must be excited for his new job over at GOPUSA, where he’s clearly going to be teaching a master class in concern trolling. Yes, Bryan Fischer is very very concerned — no seriously you guys, shut up, he really is — about Michael Sam’s health, and he really feels that the NFL is letting Michael Sam down by glorifying him and drafting him instead of sitting him in a corner and just telling him over and over t...

Bryan Fischer Revises Christian Teaching On Wealth, Explains Poors Should ‘Kiss The Ground’ Where 1% Walk

  the boors you will always have with you
Jesus looked at him and loved him. “One thing you lack,” he said. “Go, sell everything you have and give to the poor, and you will have treasure in heaven. Then come, follow me.” At this the man’s face fell. He went away sad, because he had great wealth. Jesus looked around and said to his disciples, “How hard it is for the rich to enter the kingdom of God!” –Mark 10:21-23 And lo, the prophet Bryan, Fischer of Men, did speak to the peopl...

Brian Fischer Explains Why God Made Women To Be Secretaries, Just Like In Bible Times

  Adam and eve not adam and IBM selectric
Hey, Ladies of Wonket! Hope you’re all having a welcoming, nurturing, inviting day! It’s really a beautiful miracle how God made you so well-suited for secretarial and receptionist duties, because those are pretty much the only jobs you should consider while you wait to find a husband to take care of you (or become a lonely bitter spinster with scores of cats). So now that we have that clear, let’s see what American Patriarchy...

Bryan Fischer Has Exciting Theory: Constitution Only Allows Laws God Would Approve Of

  theocracy for fun and prophet
Would you believe that we have not brought you the thought-like pronouncements of the American Patriarchy Association’s Bryan Fischer since December? Too long! And it seems that Mr. Fischer has continued a little further down the tracks that he was laying last time, when he said that the First Amendment only applies to Christians, because the Constitution is a magically Christian document (and it also includes Christmas, because “any...

A Children’s Treasury Of Thoughtful, Measured Reactions To Jan Brewer’s Veto Of SB 1062

  freedom's just another word for no one left to discriminate against
Jan Brewer’s uncrazy veto of SB 1062, the “No Dogs or Gays” bill, is not that big a surprise — unless of course you’re certain that your ability to keep God happy depends on being free to tell people to GTFO if you dislike what they do with their mooshy bits. If that’s what you believe, then what Jan Brewer did was to stomp liberty into the ground while wiping her ass with the Constitution and cramming the gay...

Derp Roundup: Michelle Obama Loves Subway. Time For Everyone To Stop Eating Sandwiches.

  all the derp that's fit to herp
Welcome to another edition of Derp Roundup, the weekly feature where we take a wire brush to our open browser tabs and bring you the stories that are too stoopid to ignore, but not quite worth a full post on their own. We recommend washing it all down with a big swig of the reality-diluter of your choice. First up, you may or may not have heard the shocking news that Subway, which has been pushing its sammiches as a semi-healthy alternative to A...

Bryan Fischer Has Magic Constitution That Says First Amendment Is Only For Christians

  his theory which is his and is by him
You may have read about the performance-art “Satanists” who have offered to build a monument on the grounds of the Oklahoma Statehouse; under the law’s clause claiming that the state doesn’t favor “any particular religion or denomination,” it looks like the law pretty much says the state would have to allow it, right? Not so fast, says the American Patriarchy Association’s Bryan Fischer — don’...

Wisconsin Declares War On Cuddling

  snuggler's cove
In a blow to freedom and weirdass trendiness, the Snuggle House, an innovative business in Madison, Wisconsin, where for $60 an hour you could get all therapeutically cuddled with a “professional snuggler,” has closed. The innocent cuddle-hos of the twee “touch therapy” business were driven out of business by city officials who thought that all this paid pajama-panky was too close to prostitution. Plus silly as all fuck....

Derp Roundup: Your Weekly Mission Implausible

  all the derp that's fit to herp
Welcome to yet another Derp Roundup, the weekly feature where we hose off our browser and serve up a cocktail of stories that were too stoopid to ignore altogether, but not quite worth a full post of their own. We’ll start with a seasonal sampling of the War On Christmas, with American Patriarchy Association president Tim Wildmon and AFA’s internet radio crazy Sandy “Gays will buttsex the Navy to death” Rios talking ̵...

Derp Roundup: Your Weekly Voyage To The Bottom Of The Sleaze

  all the derp that's fit to herp
Welcome to another edition of Derp Roundup, our weekly collection of cranky crap that wasn’t worth a full post, but was too incandescently stoopid to ignore altogether. First up, Bryan Fischer told all his followers on Twitter today to go read this shocking billion-word exposé of what Teh Ghey is really all about, as explained by Ronald G. Lee, a Catholic gay guy who discovered that for all the talk of gay marriage, and for that matter, of...