go fuck yourself

Swedish Sex Toy Company Offers New Exclusive Way For Bankers To F*k Themselves

Business Insider reports Swedish fuckstick maker Lelo has a new product exclusively for bankers, for whom your standard neoprene (?) 18-inch black double-donger just isn’t sexclusive enough. Here’s why, from the company: “Many bankers want more from their profession and their ...
  Must Be Go Scream At A Teacher Week Again

Hero Marine Dad Will Unleash Hell Itself If Daughter’s World History Class Says Muslims Are Real

There. Much better without that nonsense
In a shocking display of Political Correctness Run Amok, a high school in Maryland has banned a student’s father from campus simply because he threatened to “bring down a shit-storm” on the school unless his daughter’s World History class eliminated any mention of Islam, ...
  dear john

Secret Service Hooker Investigator Canned, You Will Never Guess Why Just Kidding

Remember when the Secret Service couldn’t stop visiting prostitutes, and then some poor kid from the White House advance team couldn’t stop visiting prostitutes, and it was obviously Obama’s fault coverupbenghaziworsethanwatergate? Of course you do, that is all you read about ...
  Walker 2016

Some Of Scott Walker’s Best Friends Are Women

Hey, ladies of Wisconsin! With the election that decides his political future coming up next week, your feminist hero Gov. Scott Walker has remembered that you’re allowed to vote, just in time for him to put one of your kind on TV to make a not-at-all disingenuous play for your support. ...
  Your Morning Maddow

Let’s Go Weed Shopping In Denver With Rachel Maddow (Video)

The simile seems lost on Rachel
Rachel Maddow was in Denver for a live broadcast Tuesday night. Warning: It’s a little weird to watch the news with an audience applauding and cheering in the background. The highlight (ha!) of the episode was Maddow’s visit to a dispensary of “recreational meds,” aka ...
  Actually This Is About Ethics In Political Journalism

Wow, Bajillionaire Bruce Rauner Is A Real A-Hole

Who's got two thumbs and is a total jerk? This guy!
This guy. Jesus, this guy. Republican Bruce Rauner, who has more money than God and a better wine collection too, wants to be the next dude to get evicted from the Illinois governor’s mansion and sent to prison. (That’s what happens to all of them, right?) His pitch to voters is ...
  Here have some news n stuff

Only Men Are Allowed To Use Daddy’s Name To Run For Office, Duh

He got there all on his own
Sometimes it’s hard to be a woman. Actually, it’s hard most of the time — thanks, MEN — but it’s especially hard if you’re a woman running for office: Last week, a statewide official in Georgia accused Democratic Senate candidate Michelle Nunn of cashing in ...
  And A Little Child Shall Make Them Say 'Amazeballs!'

Nice Time! This 13-Year-Old Kick-Ass Baseball Phenom, Plus Rachel Maddow!

Wow, that kid :)
It’s been one brain-basher of a week, and it’s only Tuesday. So take a minute to watch this terrific little “Best New Thing in the World” clip about how ceremonial first pitches usually suck — there’s even a Washington Post chart to prove it: Of course, all ...
  Maybe she will quit again one day

Sarah Palin Just Might Quit A Half-Term Of A Office Again One Day, Hooray!

Ever since Our Lady of Meth-Colored Lipstick quit her job to pursue a reality teevee career because only dead fish serve a full term as governor, we have a-hoped and a-prayed that Sarah Palin would one day run for being in office of something again one day. Alas, we’d really quit ...
  You Got Your Science In My Religion: A Study In Contrasts

Pope Trolls Creationists, Says Evolution Is A Thing

Sure, they both believe in Invisible Sky Daddy. But one guy at least seems to live on this planet.
Pope Francis gave a lot of fundagelicals a sad Monday when he restated a fairly simple tenet of Catholic belief: There’s no contradiction between faith and science, particularly the theory of evolution and the Big Bang. Even though that’s not exactly a new idea in Catholicism ...
  bring back the demon sheep

Vote Republican Or Everyone Will Die From EbolaISISGuantanamoGhazi

Vote GOP or ghost terrorists will kill you and your stupid dog.
We are now into the last week of the midterm campaign, by which point the candidates and parties traditionally have long given up any remaining shreds of dignity or pretense that the election has anything to do with such high-falutin’ concepts as “ideas” or “democracy.” Not that we need to tell ...
  No film at 11

Why Doesn’t The Plain Dealer Want You To See Gov. Kasich Being An Asshat?

I am so smart! S-M-R-T!
So here’s a heck of a thing: The Cleveland Plain Dealer newspaper just loves Ohio Gov. John Kasich. In 2010, it endorsed Kasich, seeing in him a candidate “given to Reagan-style optimism and bold, sometimes questionable, ideas.” The editorial board seems to have stopped ...
  for fox sake

Fox Business Very Concerned About All This … Cheap Gasoline?

Here is Stuart Varney on Fox Business today, yapping his elegant lippy about something, do not care, did not watch. But what is that chyron beneath him (which is, unaccountably, all spelled correctly and without discernible factual errors)? It is “just asking” if cheap gas is bad ...
  The third rail of comedy

Wingnuts Find The One Thing That’s Not Funny, And It Is Mitt Romney

This is NOT funny. Stop laughing! Stop it!
In the rightwing world, there are a lot of things that are HI-larious and worthy of mockery. Encouraging kids to carve a coal plant in their pumpkins to really stick it to these tree-huggers at the Department of Energy? Funny! Calling a lady jet fighter “boobs on the ground”? Even ...
  Just Look At All The Puppies He *Didn't* Kick

Only 2000 Women Sued Georgia GOP Senate Candidate For Discrimination. Seems Low.

Michelle Nunn has a pretty good 'You gotta be freakin kidding me' face
David Perdue would really like to be Georgia’s next U.S. Senator, but it seems he has a few problems with the ladies, as in he is polling really badly with them, compared to opponent Michelle Nunn. For a state with no Democrats in statewide offices, Georgia is very, very close to sending ...
  Infectious Unease Vectors

Left-Wing Nurse Knows Too Much About Ebola To Have Opinions About Ebola

How odd that a volunteer for Doctors Without Borders isn't a Republican
Since Barack Obama stubbornly insists on listening to public health experts instead of Fox News, it’s become quite clear that wingnuts’ favored non-solution, a ban on travel from West Africa, isn’t going to happen. Happily, a few governors figured out that even if they ...
  Your Morning Maddow

Rachel Maddow Interviews America’s First Ebola Political Prisoner (Video)

Get ready to be angry, kids. Monday night, Rachel Maddow interviewed Ryan Boyko, a Yale PhD student in Public Health, who is one of about eight people put on quarantine by order of Connecticut Gov. Dannel P. Malloy. Not because Boyko has Ebola, and not because he has Ebola symptoms, and not ...
  you don't say

Oops! House Republicans Forgot To Sue Obama For Presidenting

Which one is Boehner?
If you are anything like us, you have recently been wondering what happened to the plan by the House’s Rabid Ferret Caucus to sue the bejesus out of President Obama for moving around some deadlines to implement parts of the Affordable Care Act. (And if you are like us and have been wondering ...
  Here have some news n stuff

You Know Who Else Worked With The Nazis? America, That’s Who.

Which one's the moderate?
Here’s a nifty little tale about that time the United States government worked with Nazis — actual Nazis, not the hyperbolic “Obama is just like Hitler” kind. In the decades after World War II, the C.I.A. and other United States agencies employed at least a thousand ...
  Die For Your Own Sins Taker

Pat Robertson: Jesus Wants You To Invest In Oil, Not Abortion Pills

Have you heard the good word about blood diamonds?
So let’s say you find some extra coin under the sofa cushion, and you’re thinking, “I should invest this and become a billionaire!” Good plan, you, because that’s how it works in America, as long as you’re wearing the right bootstraps. So whom should you call ...
  Nuke The Healthcare Workers From Orbit. It's The Only Way To Be Sure

Chris Christie Wants To Play Doctor With Nurse Lady, Mostly By Yelling At Her

Thank goodness you can't get Ebola from spittle
With no teachers immediately available to yell at, New Jersey Gov. Chris Christie has taken up yelling at nurses, we guess. In the latest twist on Chris Christie’s War On Health Care Workers Who Volunteer To Fight Deadly Diseases, the New Jersey Department of Health announced this morning ...
  i love you man

Oh Hey, Paul Rudd Was One Of The Dallas Airport Homophobe Heroes (No He Wasn’t)

Updated and totally recanted below! WONKET EXCLUSIVE MUST CREDIT WONKetTE! So you all saw the video, today or alllll the way back on Saturday, of a bunch of Dallas airport heroes tackling the fuck out of that violent homophobe guy. But you DID NOT know one of the heroes was Paul Rudd, because ...