History's greatest magical realist (L), monster (R)OK, sure, you may have thought that Gabriel García Márquez, who died last week, was a pretty good writer, but the Washington Post‘s Charles Lane just wants to remind you that García Márquez was also a communist, and entirely too close to Fidel Castro to actually count as someone worth remembering. Lane, the genius who in 2011 decided that a then-comatose-from-gunshot-wounds Gabby Giffords would not have approved of all the mean things liberals were saying about Scott Walker, understands that a lot of “intellectuals” thought García Márquez was pretty cool, but he regrets that an obituary couldn’t have been written by exiled Cuban poet Heberto Padilla, who died in 2000. Because García Márquez killed him. Or wait, because García Márquez didn’t advocate vigorously enough for his release from prison in Cuba. Same thing; Lane claims that Padilla was perfectly suited to assess “the weird blend of literary brilliance and political rottenness that characterized García Márquez’s long career.”

READ MORE

you should really clean up afterwards anyway

You will probably not be surprised to learn that here at yr Wonkette we think that porn is a totally respectable way to earn a living, presuming, of course, that consent and equal power and equity and yadda yadda exist. Point is, we don’t discriminate about how you pay the bills. Chase Bank, on the other hand, is pretty certain they don’t want your filthy money if you ever made it doing sexytime, as Chase has sent letters to hundreds of porn performers telling them that they’ll close their bank account in May.

READ MORE »

it's a baby not a robot dollWhat has the Stupidest Man on the Internet, Jim Hoft, got for us today? Besides all the other things he has for us today? WHAT DOESN’T HE HAVE! (Besides our $3150. #paythefuckup.)

Take, for instance, this masterpiece, “SHOCK REPORT: Oregon Energy Plant Burns Aborted Babies to Generate Electricity,” in which a bunch of communists are going around burning aborted babies to generate electricity, just like the headline says! READ MORE »

all we've got is a photograph but it's not enough

So you got your girlfriend to let you take nekkid pictures of her, of course. So far so normal. But if you are Douglas Tarlow, whose nekkid pix were of Nina Khosla, daughter of Vinod Khosla, batrillionaire founder of Sun Microsystems, you apparently stash those pix away for later sextortion attempts.

Big mistake. Big. Huge.

READ MORE

(Layout modified to fit our page)How is Barack Obama insulting America’s dignity today? Jim Hoft, the Stupidest Man on the Internet, reveals that the weak-willed absolute tyrant, whose spineless foreign policy encouraged the Russians to invade Ukraine even as he has dictatorially crammed health insurance down our throats, is now bowing not merely to foreign potentates, but even to foreign robots. Has this man no sense of dignity, no sense of what is just and proper? America bows to no one!

READ MORE »

GOP Wants More Bush

In Our Great Nation’s short history, we have created many uniquely American traditions: Thanksgiving, Independence Day, Patriots’ Day, free refills on soda, and electing members of the Bush family to the White House.

Jeb Bush, the Bush son who probably should have run for the office the first time around, because Jeb did not get C’s and has fewer reported drug or alcohol problems, purportedly announced that he was “thinking about running for president.” Which is not actually real news, because Bush already said that he was considering a bid for the presidency and he’d make up his mind at the end of 2014. But, let’s all pretend this is news, because everyone else is breathlessly speculating reporting on it and Yr Wonkette doesn’t want to be left out.

READ MORE »

even this guy would be better

Ladies and gentlemen, meet the Rossiters, who are your new people to hate the mostest today.

You know how everyone is going around refusing to vaccinate their kids because they’re pretty sure they know more than doctors? Those people are wimps. The real deal is just stone cold refusing to give your kids medical care because faith-healing skygod. And then, if you’re going for really advanced terrible thinking, you should try to deploy a Magical Law Shield when you go on trial for the kid-murdering and argue that the jury shouldn’t hear evidence of your twisted religious beliefs, because that would be unfair.

READ MORE »

All Hannity, no cattle.Jon Stewart clearly had entirely too much fun Tuesday replying to Sean Hannity’s pissy little tirade about Jon Stewart’s coverage of Hannity’s hypocritical coverage of the Bundy Ranch Freedom Cow Jamboree. Round three of the volley was just about everything you could want from a Daily Show segment.

READ MORE

What? No seriously, what?Remember Eric Cantor? Republican from Virginia, Majority Leader for his caucus in the House, perpetually looks like a guy entering his ninth day of trying to poop out a dildo that some overly enthusiastic District hooker shoved so far up his rectum that it lodged against his liver? Yeah, that guy. Cantor has been angling for the top job as Speaker of the House since the moment the current Speaker, John Boehner, took the gavel in his trembling, nicotine-stained hands back in 2011. Cantor worked hard to suck up to the psychotic shitweasels of the Tea Party and shiv Boehner in the back every chance he got, positioning himself to take over if the wingnuts were to successfully mount a coup against the Orange One after the upcoming midterm election.

Then he decided to be reasonable once or twice about passing legislation, and now has been declared RINO non grata with the Psychotic Shitweasel caucus. Let us all cry some oily crocodile tears for Eric’s broken dreams. READ MORE »

The only way Obama wants you to commuteHere’s some welcome news! In addition to fighting to keep America safe from the nightmare of health insurance, sending out fishwives to scream at cute-milquetoast MSNBC hosts, and bringing rightwing lunacy to improvisational comedy, it would appear that the nice folks in the Koch Bros. squirrel factory have also managed to sponsor a bill aimed at killing a rapid-transit bus system in Nashville, Tennessee. Actually, the bill would prevent any city in the state from developing a rapid-transit bus system without state approval. You know, because local control is the best form of small government, except when it isn’t. READ MORE »

the good old days!

Grazing fees scofflaw Cliven Bundy must be feeling pretty confident now that the Bureau of Land Management has backed down on seizing his cattle, he’s surrounded by his own armed militia and his heroism has earned him a three-week-long blowjob from the wingnut media. So confident, in fact, that he decided to expound on some other issues that have been on his mind, apparently since at least the 1950s.

“I want to tell you one more thing I know about the Negro,” he said. Mr. Bundy recalled driving past a public-housing project in North Las Vegas, “and in front of that government house the door was usually open and the older people and the kids — and there is always at least a half a dozen people sitting on the porch — they didn’t have nothing to do. They didn’t have nothing for their kids to do. They didn’t have nothing for their young girls to do.

And because they were basically on government subsidy, so now what do they do?” he asked. “They abort their young children, they put their young men in jail, because they never learned how to pick cotton. And I’ve often wondered, are they better off as slaves, picking cotton and having a family life and doing things, or are they better off under government subsidy? They didn’t get no more freedom. They got less freedom.”

Yeah, why didn’t those poor blacks in North Las Vegas teach their young ‘uns to pick cotton and then send them to work the fields in some cotton-producing region of the United States? They could have a family life, all sitting around together in a barn or a tarpaper shack at the end of the workday, rubbing their blisters while they sing uplifting songs. Those families that haven’t been sold off piecemeal to other cotton plantations, anyway. READ MORE »

hotttt

Oh god remember last week on Duggar Family Funtime aka 19 Kids and Counting we had to go watch a quiverfull wedding? This week we have to go to a quiverfull graduation. Truly we have done terrible things in our lives, but nothing that warrants this.

Josiah is graduating! We have no idea which one Josiah is. But first we have to watch the chaos that is the Duggar clan returning from last week’s trip to the Bates wedding.

READ MORE

Don't look a div horse in the mouthReports are sketchy and confused, but either New Pope just tossed out centuries of dogma and tradition on divorce, or somewhere in between Argentina, Italy, England and several different publications in at least three languages, somebody or several somebodies really got some details wrong. It’s kind of fun, at least, that with this Pope, nobody’s quite sure. (Our money is on “confusion.” The smart money is always on confusion.) READ MORE »

how-to-be-happySo much happy! So little time!

Sean Hannity SO MAD at Jon Stewart, SOOOO MAD!

OPRAH’s ex-stepmom sounds like a real nice lady who calls her stepdaughter “ghetto,” laughs at her taste, calls her a lesbian, and then is : ( that Oprah won’t let her live in her mansion.

How does Upworthy think you’re hurting poor people today? Is it by eating food? Yes.

Many many many comments (also, on our Facebook page!) that simply did not care for me using a graphic picture of rape to illustrate a story about this week’s high-profile rapes. I think I might be insensitive, you guys.

This movie, Starred Up. Hey Mikey, he liked it!

Jon Stewart gets so emotional baby every time he thinks of you.

Agents of S.H.I.E.L.D.! You guys watching that still? Hahaha, well Snipy is!

You want pork chops? Your comrade Mojopo will make your damn pork chops!

And we’ve found the person who hates Jennifer Lawrence: it’s drunk Lindsay Lohan, in Sideboob!

Gonna get ya, see? Nyah.You may recall hearing about some small fuss over the Internal Revenue Service allegedly targeting Tea Party groups for special scrutiny, because of the Obama administration’s relentless jihad against freedom? We’re pretty sure we mentioned it. And despite the overwhelming evidence that the worst that happened is that the IRS did some pretty sloppy work, especially in just using keyword lists to decide which groups would be looked at, it’s also pretty clear that the IRS gave extra scrutiny to both liberal and conservative groups’ application for 501(c)(3) and 501(c)(4) tax-exempt status. Even so, House Oversight and Government Reform Committee chair Darrell Issa keeps insisting that only conservative groups were given extra attention, because he is kind of a lying shitweasel that way. Well, hey, it turns out that a trove of actual IRS documents obtained through a Freedom of Information Act request substantiates the claim that both liberal and conservative groups got extra scrutiny, and if anything, liberal groups were actually more extensively targeted than Tea party groups were. What is one to make of this? Obviously, the facts must be wrong. READ MORE »