let them eat bootstraps

Illinois Gov. Rauner Halts ‘Non-Essential’ Spending Except For His Wife

He's just a regular super rich guy who's a total dick
Pretend Populist and Actual Uber-Wealthy Bully Bruce Rauner is your new governor, Illinois. So all you working stiffs better take notice because your days of making reasonable compensation in consideration for your labor might be numbered. After all, the state is facing a gigantic unfunded ...
  Dogs & Cats Reportedly Living Together In Open Defiance Of God

Ted Cruz’s Dad: Good Christians Must Fight Against Transgender Use Of Bathrooms, Or Else

Not that Raphael?
Ted Cruz’s wackaloon father, fundamentalist preacher Rafael Cruz, warned on Tuesday that bans on discrimination against LGBT Americans would inevitably lead to unisex locker rooms, rampant crime by sexual predators, and probably the criminalization of Christianity — the usual load ...
  Joe Arpaio Better Watch His Back

Wingnut Sheriff To Single Black Moms: Stop Making Cops Shoot Kids!

Meet your 2020 Republican primary contender, America
David Clarke is the sheriff of Milwaukee County in Wisconsin, and he has been a hero to Wingnut America ever since he ran radio ads a couple years back encouraging people to arm themselves instead of calling 911. On Tuesday, he played to his real constituency, the Fox News audience, when host ...
  He will wash your mouth out for you America

Mike Huckabee Simply Fainting At Crass Broads And Their Sweary Filthy Sh*tmouths

Effin beyotches, amirite?
Mike Huckabee, America’s favorite moral scold, is at it again. Again again. While pimping his book, he explained how it’s not just that whore Beyonce who is corrupting America’s lady-youth, but all of the potty-mouthed single ladies who work in New York, aka, Bubbleville: In ...
  We'll have what he's smoking please

Louisiana Congressman Has Reefer Sadness

Doctor. Congressman. Idiot.
Louisiana Republican Rep. John C. Fleming MD has some words of warning about the dangers of The Marijuana, for those of you who want your medical information from a guy who gets his information from The Onion: “Marijuana is a gateway drug, we have proven that scientifically,” Fleming said. “To ...
  FAA issues Flying Pigs Alert

Mormons Suddenly Okay With Some Gay Rights, Weird!

Hello!
So here’s a sentence we never would have predicted we’d type: Leaders of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints have come out (ahem!) in support of a Utah law prohibiting discrimination against LGBT people. Not surprisingly, there’s a catch — they also want to ...
  It'll be just like Robocop or Escape From New York.

Koch Brothers Pledge $889 Million To Least Losery 2016 Candidate, If Any

They just want to buy the White House is all
If President Obama’s lame-duck “don’t give a fuck” attitude has been improving your outlook on life lately, then fresh from Freedom Partners’ annual winter summit comes some news that will send you crashing right back down to Frown Town. An anonymous source who ...
  Always Support The Troops Except When You Shouldn't

Bowe Bergdahl May Be Charged With Desertion, We Should Probably Kill Him Either Way

Get ready for the shitstorm, Part Two
Get ready for some exploding conservative heads: Bowe Bergdahl, the POW returned to America last year after a swap for Taliban prisoners, will be charged with desertion for walking off his base in Afghanistan in 2009, according to unnamed defense officials who spoke to NBC: According to the ...
  vote knope

Indiana Governor To Start Very Own Pravda, Hooray!

All the cool kids in Muncie wear these
We will comment on this further as soon as we manage to pick our jaws up off the floor: Gov. Mike Pence is starting a state-run taxpayer-funded news outlet that will make pre-written news stories available to Indiana media, as well as sometimes break news about his administration, according to ...
  libertarianism now libertarianism tomorrow libertarianism forever

Ron Paul Escapes Tethers In Son’s Basement, Heads To Fun Secession Conference For Fun

You know who else served stale croissants while yammering about liberty to a crowd?
How much fun are we going to have in 2016 watching a couple of the candidates in the GOP clown car gagging their insane fathers, shoving them into canvas sacks and dumping them into the Potomac, only to have the crazy old men chew through the gags and the canvas and paddle to the surface, where ...
  Don't believe the lies -- or the snow

Rush Limbaugh: Big Government Nanny State Controlling You Through Weather Warnings

His weather is just fine, thanks
While conservatives usually love a good snowstorm because it proves global warming is a hoax and Al Gore is fat, truth-seeking climatologist Rush Limbaugh is too smart to buy into the lies of such lefty media outlets as AccuWeather and the National Weather Service. He’s heard about this ...
  Now What Is This A Distraction From Again?

House Benghazi Committee To Investigate House Benghazi Committee

We're just kidding. Nobody's sitting calmly and playing cards in this one.
In a development that absolutely no one could have predicted if they were a blind cave fish happily feeding on isopods in a subterranean lake, it appears that there are Deep Partisan Rifts on the House Select Committee on Benghazi, which is definitely going to get to the true truth about the ...
  romney would have done it better

Obama Is Bad Commie, Shrinks Deficit Again

Glad that's all behind us now
Do you remember the Great Deficit Panic of 2011? How Obamacare and The Stimulus and the GM Bailout were going to bankrupt the country? How our children were going to be left roaming the streets, forced to dumpster-dive for scraps because of oppressive socialist taxes? How we had The Sequester? ...
  Your Morning Maddow

Morning Maddow: Snowmageddonghazigate Hits New York, Impeach … Someone

'I can't feel my hands'
Monday’s Rachel Maddow Show was of course all Snowmageddonghazigate, and they started the hour with Rachel freezing outside at Rockefeller Center. Happily, unlike Chris Hayes, who had to do his whole show outside, Rachel has enough star power to get herself back inside after the first ...
  Eating their own

People Who Think About Gay Sex A Lot Uncover Massive Gay Conspiracy At Fox News

Some people say...
The truth is out there, man, and the truth is pretty damn gay. Fox News’s anti-Christian, pro-butt-sechs bias has been exposed by a handful of brave truth warriors, and we now have completely verifiable and not at all made up evidence Fox has been engaged for years in a massive gay ...
  Get Back Loretta

Wingnuts Find Huge Scandal To Forever End Loretta Lynch’s Attorney General Dreams

Oh, Loretta Lynch, you are going DOWN. A press release from a group calling itself “Frontiers of Freedom” has the goods on a gigantic scandal involving attorney general nominee Loretta Lynch. Or at least the 25 rightwing groups that signed the press release hope so. Allegedly, says ...
  walking while a yale student

Black Yale Student, NYT Columnist’s Son, Pretty Obvious Criminal To Area Cops

Black men ARE allowed here
So which black men are the police in New Haven, Connecticut, pulling guns on today for walking around near the library of Yale University? Oh, probably only the ones who are thugs, and you can tell they are thugs because they are black, so it is pretty easy! On Saturday, Tahj Blow, a third-year ...
  Can We Afford To Let Obama Return From Overseas?

Wingnuts Pretty Sure It Was Illegals What Gave Measles To All Our Unvaccinated Kids

Too subtle?
Break out the ominous creepyscary music of your choice — we’re partial to Bernard Hermann ourselves — because it’s time to tell some scary horror stories about the California measles outbreak! So far, at least 78 confirmed cases have been disagnosed across 7 states and ...
  Steve King sees what Steve King did there

Rep. Steve King Loves Americans From All Planets Except The Messican Ones

Bible's a pretty cool guy. eh saves aleins and doesn't afraid of anything
Oh, Rep. Steve King’s Iowa Cow-Tippers For Freedom convention has been going so well! The space between Donald Trump’s hair and his flag pin told the audience that he woulda beat that Barack Obama in 2012, and how he will beat everyone in 2016 because he’s got that year free ...
  Just Wait Til You Hear About The Tax Cuts

Boehner And McConnell Have Awesome Replacement For Obamacare But Left It In Their Other Pants

Two men, no plan, Nalponnemowt!
Senate Majority Leader Mitch McConnnell and Speaker of the House John Boehner went on the 60 Minute televisual informatical program Sunday to explain all the exciting plans the Republicans have for uprooting Obamacare and replacing it with something much better, except that the part where they ...
  Aroint Thee Witch

Christian Town In Michigan Being Ensorcelled By Atheist Demon-Man, Smallfolk Panick

Oh bother, oh Baphomet.
The malign presence of Mitch Kahle, a confessed atheist witch-demon, has placed the Goodchristian town of Norton Shores, Michigan, in a Peril of losing its magick protections against evil. Kahle has already used his darck maege powers to beguile the smallbarons who do sitte upon the Ottawa ...
  It's The End Of The World As You Know It And We Feel Fine

Goodbye, Northeast United States, Can We Have Your Stuff?

Spoiler alert: The dog survives
Hey there, Eastern Seaboard Wonkers, we hear that you’re in for a bit of weather. Andrea Mitchell is doing her show in front of a weather radar map, CNN Money is already predicting “Winners and Losers” from the possibly record-setting blizzard of ’15, the usual idiots ...