Having successfully fucked over a Texas charity last week, Stupidest Man on the Internet Jim Hoft decided to try some new formats over the weekend, and attempted a Buzzfeed-style listicle. For instance, based on a tip from a reader, he noticed some ideas in Elizabeth Warren’s ‘Eleven Commandments for Progressives” that were “EERILY SIMILAR” to the “25 points of the Nazi Party” as promulgated by Hitler in 1920. We looked at the two lists, and we have to agree: they are both lists! READ MORE »
July 22, 2014
Rush Limbaugh had a supportive shout-out today for Superbowl-winning sportsball coach and NBC sportsball analyst Tony Dungy, who told the Tampa Tribune yesterday that he would never have drafted Michael Sam, who’s just too darn gay. Said Dungy,
“I wouldn’t have taken him … Not because I don’t believe Michael Sam should have a chance to play, but I wouldn’t want to deal with all of it.
“It’s not going to be totally smooth … things will happen.’’
Limbaugh applauded Dungy for his clearheaded concerns about “things,” noting that the St. Louis “Lambs” are “not a football team this season; they are a social experiment.” And god knows that social changes have always been terrible and disruptive for sportsball. READ MORE »
Ugh, Rick Perry, you really are THE WORST.
Texas Gov. Rick Perry plans to announce he will activate the Texas National Guard at a news conference Monday in Austin, said state Sen. Juan “Chuy” Hinojosa, D-McAllen.
Hinojosa did not have details of the effort, but an internal memo from another state official’s office said the governor planned to call about 1,000 Texas National Guard troops to the Rio Grande Valley — at a cost of about $12 million per month.
I can give you at least three good reasons why this is some seriously all kinds of Texas-sized bull feces. And I don’t even wear glasses. READ MORE »
Hey, well-regulated militia, how’s the responsible gun ownership going lately? If we’re doing a Gun Roundup, seems like we’re pretty much required to start with Florida, so here’s a story of a Responsible Gun Owner protecting his life from someone who threatened his rightful place on the road: On Friday,
83-year-old Mario Perez-Tano was stopped at a traffic light in downtown Miami when another driver pulled in front of his Volkswagen Beetle.
Perez-Tano blocked in the other vehicle as it pulled out of a tire shop and got out of his car to confront the driver with a .38-caliber handgun, authorities said.
That sounds pretty much like what the Founders had in mind! If you don’t take down those who cut you off in traffic, before you know it they’ll be quartering British troops in your living room. READ MORE »
There’s a big chewy profile of Old Handsome Joe Biden in the New Yorker today, and the pull quote that everyone’s repeating is Biden’s riff on George W. Bush’s soul-reading performance in 2001, when he looked Vladimir Putin in the eye and got “a sense of his soul.” Biden tells New Yorker reporter Evan Osnos this anecdote about meeting Putin in 2011, which we have no reason to think isn’t 100% gospel truth:
“As I turned, I was this close to him.” Biden held his hand a few inches from his nose. “I said, ‘Mr. Prime Minister, I’m looking into your eyes, and I don’t think you have a soul.’ ”
“You said that?” I asked. It sounded like a movie line.
“Absolutely, positively,” Biden said, and continued, “And he looked back at me, and he smiled, and he said, ‘We understand one another.’ ” Biden sat back, and said, “This is who this guy is!”
Strangely, no one has yet gone to press with the news that Joe Biden is a filthy atheist. READ MORE »
So here’s some Monday Nice Time for you, Wonkers: President Barry Bamz has gone and signed an executive order banning discrimination against LGBT people by companies getting federal contracts, and the order does not include an exemption for companies or even religious charities with deeply held corporate religious beliefs that require them to fire gay workers. Too bad, so sad, religious haterz! READ MORE »
The not-at-all racist members of the British National Party are big believers in the “self-deportation” policies championed by one Mittens J. Romneyford, Esq. They also have some interesting views on the gheys, and they do not appreciate it when those views are challenged. Especially when the challenger is a dog. RawStory brings us the raw story.
The youth leader of a far-right British political party threatened his dog on Facebook over the animal’s homosexual behavior.
“I wish my dog would stop licking the penises of other male dogs,” said Jack Andrew Renshaw, the leader of BNP Youth.
“I love you, Derek (my dog) – but – don’t challenge my principles because my principles will likely win,” Renshaw said.
Following last week’s shooting down of Malaysia Airlines flight MH 17, Fox News has been very busy criticizing Barack Obama for his completely insensitive actions in continuing on a fundraising tour, even though America’s national security was clearly at stake following the event (which may also have been just a distraction from the border crisis). After all, said the Foxies, Ronald Reagan didn’t go out on a fundraising tour when the USSR shot down a Korean Airlines 747 in 1983! He gave a very stern speech about the incident, which Fox showed clips of. Stupid Obama should have been more like Reagan, say Fox hosts like Megyn Kelly, Sean Hannity, and others. Which we suppose means that instead of immediately calling the Malaysian airliner shootdown an “outrage of unspeakable proportions,” Obama should have stayed on vacation for four days like Reagan did. READ MORE »
John Oliver’s Last Week Tonight keeps pushing the boundaries of what we expect in a fake comedy news show, tackling such not-immediately-hilarious topics as net neutrality, Uganda’s anti-gay laws, and income inequality and producing segments that are both genuinely informative and funny. This week, he turns to the moral outrage that is America’s prison system, and notices that while it makes for good TV, from Orange is the New Black to MSNBC’s entire weekend programming schedule, to the TNT classic, Tim Robbins Stands Shirtless in the Rain: The Movie, we also don’t like having to think about the realities of prison all that much. And yet there are some fairly disturbing things about the number of Americans in prison — little things, like the fact that America has more people in prison than China, which he notes is the only thing we have more of than China outside of “debt to China.” READ MORE »
Though the gun humpers are hell-bent on humping their guns everywhere, they’ve recently suffered some setbacks with places like Target and Chipotle taking away their god-given Second Amendment freedoms by not letting them roll into the store on a tank or whatever. But all is not lost! The Blaze has found some completely random restaurant in Tennessee that loves them some guns, which totally proves oh good lord we have no idea what it proves. But lack of a news hook doesn’t stop The Blaze from giving this rustic restaurant paradise the longest, slowest, most loving tongue bath ever.
It was just a couple weeks ago that we learned that Freedom Industries would be suffering under the weight of a crushing $11,000 fine from OSHA for basically poisoning 300,000 people, which works out to a shade under 4 cents for each lucky ducky poisoned person. Now comes time for the class action civil lawsuit settlement, which is just as depressingly paltry, because everything is terrible.
Ever since the Malaysian airliner was shot down by a surface-to-air missile on Thursday, so very many people have used it as an opportunity to be terrible. See, for example, Wonkette hate favorite Bryan Fischer, who is pretty sure that it was awesome that a whole bunch of AIDS researchers were killed and also too why won’t Obama shut up about the damn gays?
And let’s not even get started on every conservative explaining that Dead Ronald Reagan would have already flown to Russia and personally kissed or murdered Putin, whichever showed more strength and manliness. But in that race to the bottom, do not count out Sky News reporter Colin Brazier, who thought it was a lovely idea to rummage through the luggage of a victim of the crash live on television.
Hey, folks, are you ready to relive the 2000 election? As if some of us didn’t spend most of 2000 through 2008 doing that already? Go dimple your chads, because it’s time for some butterfly ballots, Christian-textbook style! READ MORE »
Okay, so it’s Saturday and it must be drinking o’clock hour somewhere, and instead of getting ready to party SOOOO hard and gulp artisanal craftsman cocktails that cost eleventy billion dollars, you are sitting home alone looking at the internets like some kind of person who sits at home alone on a Saturday night looking at the internets. But that’s okay! Instead of being all depressed about sitting at home alone on a Saturday night, you can catch up on all the things that made me MAD!!! in case you missed it because you were, I dunno, working or something. It will make you laugh, it will make you cry, it will kill some time, and then you can go back to whatever it is you were planning to do at home alone on a Saturday night on the internets, I don’t want to know, that’s between you and your god or your hand or whatever.
On Monday, the GOP revealed a new new extra new plan to empower women by telling them they are stupid. Did I get mad about that? Of course I did.
On Tuesday, I learned about some “Christian” college called Gordon, which no one had ever heard of before, begging President Obama to please keep sending federal monies, but without the expectation that Gordon will comply with federal law by not hating The Gay. Did I get mad about that? Obviously.
On Wednesday, I wanted to burn all the things because Megyn Kelly, who knows Santa is white, kids, is apparently not so sure that women’s “health” is a real thing. Also, she said a lot of cunty not-true words about Dr. George Tiller (hero!), so yes, I got mad about that.
On Thursday, I offered some friendly advice to Sen. Ted Cruz, who offered some advice to Democrats, which was to stop being SO mean to nuns and bishops by making them, um, live in a world in which women (including all the Catholic kind) use birth control. Can you guess what my advice was? Check it out.
On Friday, I told you about this wingnut wannabe nurse who is suing a health clinic because the health clinic did not want to hire her when she said she would refuse to actually provide women’s health care because Jesus or whatever. And yes, I did get mad about that because of course I did.
There you go. What things did you get mad about this week?
Follow Kaili Joy Gray on Twitter. She gets Mad at Things. A lot.