What’s more American than rectal hydration with mom’s apple pie?

Not At All Shocking New Poll Proves Torture Is Totally An American Value, Actually

It's not wrong when America does it
It’s a good thing we finally got the summarized and redacted truth about the CIA’s torture program so Americans would, at long last, be able to express their informed indignation and demand some accountability. Or maybe they’d just shrug and say “But America is THE ...
  good cop bad cop red cop blue cop

Bay Area Cop Threatens To Shoot Everybody Who Thinks Their Lives Matter

Here's how to not get shot kids: don't irritate me with your
Police officers often claim that their aggressive posture and liberal use of deadly force is just an inevitable and sadly necessary part of the difficult job they do. But one San Jose police officer seems very eager to do extrajudicial killing on his own time. Call ‘em extrajudicial ...
  Meet your new surgeon general -- finally

Senate Confirms Surgeon General Even Though He Thinks Murder Is Bad For Children

We start seizing all the guns now, right?
In a stunning and unusual act of doing their job, senators finally confirmed Dr. Vivek Murthy for surgeon general, a position that has remained vacant for more than a year because it’s not like that’s one of those important jobs. Unless, of course, there’s an outbreak of Ebola ...
  anals of journamalism

Chuck C. Johnson Had Busy Weekend Looking Even Stupider, If That’s Possible

It was either a pic of a cute orange kittie or a pic of a not-cute orange assclown.
Scabrous taint weasel Chuck C. Johnson was at it again this weekend. And by “at it again,” we mean falling for Internet hoaxes and old parody newspaper stories, threatening to sue people for libel, giving interviews so full of narcissistic self-regard we wonder how the interviewers could hear ...
  Not Obamacare At All Nope Nope Nope

Tennessee Expands Medicaid, Gets Permission To Not Call It Obamacare

Everyone's favorite mascot is back
Well, here’s a bit of nice time: Tennessee has decided to opt in to the Affordable Care Act’s expansion of Medicaid after all. Of course Republican Gov. Bill Haslam is being very careful to depict the move as a victory over the oppressive federal government: it’s a pilot plan ...
  Every Ted Pat And Harry

Pat Robertson Wishes Ted Cruz Would Settle Down And Be Sensible Like Pat Robertson

Pat Robertson doesn't like these sneaky 'confirming appointees' shenanigans
So here’s more fallout from the maneuvering on the Big Budget Bill this weekend: After Ted Cruz’s diddling with Senate rules opened the door for some of Barack Obama’s appointees to be confirmed, televangelist Pat Robertson decided that he doesn’t like this Ted Cruz ...
  I Think We're All Bozos On This Cromnibus

Lindsey Graham Yells At Elizabeth Warren In Preview Of Alternate Universe Presidential Debate

We'd pay good American money to watch this debate
So over the weekend, the Senate miraculously avoided shutting down the entire government by passing that “Cromnibus” budget bill, hooray! The bill included all kinds of special favors to special interests, including a very special little gift for giant banks that had been written by ...
  that's why you always leave a note

Hackers To Crush Sony Pictures Unless Sony Wants To Be Pen Pals

Angelina didn't see this coming at all when she starred in 1995 film Hackers.
The shadowy hacker group that has been sowing chaos, panic, and dissension in the ranks of Sony Pictures Entertainment by releasing thousands of private emails also has a condescendingly benevolent side. The group, calling themselves Guardians of Peace (yes, in a particularly delicious ...
  Not Sure I Agree With You 100% On Your Police Work There

Ohio Cops Who Killed Guy In Walmart Pretty Sure His Girlfriend Made Them Do It

A lotta police departments might base their interrogation on the facts of the case. Or not.
Remember John Crawford, shot to death by police in an Ohio Walmart for carrying a BB gun he’d picked up off the store’s shelf? For extra “fun,” we bring you The Guardian’s story on the interrogation of his girlfriend, Tasha Thomas, in an apparent attempt by police ...
  Maybe they hate us for our stupid

Donald Trump And Fox & Friends: It’s Cool, Sydney Hostage-Takers, CIA Was ‘Just Following Orders’

YOOOOGE idiots
You may be aware of a hostage situation in a Lindt chocolate shop in Sydney, Australia. Because it appears to be politically motivated, and the gunmen have reportedly displayed an ISIS (or Muslim or Those People, who knows!) flag in the window, it is therefore the perfect opportunity for the ...
  Mentors: The Faithmaker

Jesus Has A Whole New Bag: Mentoring Ohio Public School Kids

Mentoring means the kids get Mentos, right?
So here’s a terrific idea to help At Risk Youth (you know, poor kids) overcome the problems of poverty: get them into a mentoring program, so they can learn skills for success and learn gooder in school. And so, with a bit of fanfare and a photo op surrounded by underprivileged kids and ...
  Hot Take Bro

Cleveland Cops Think ‘Pathetic’ Athletes Should Stay Out Of Cops Killing Black Kids

Not even close to the biggest disappointment on Sunday night
Unless you play fantasy football, you’ve probably never heard of Cleveland Browns wide receiver Andrew Hawkins, but the public relations geniuses at the Cleveland Police Union are doing their darnedest to change that. Hawkins took the field Sunday wearing a shirt that read “Justice ...
  How can we miss you if you don't stay away?

Dick Cheney Tortures Us By Making Us Look At More Of George Bush’s Paintings Or Something

Dick Cheney auditions for a reboot of
Sunday was a good day for the bookers on a couple of those political chat shows where Washington’s power brokers yap at each other in brazen displays of verbal hand jobbery. It’s not every week that the president and vice president of the previous administration both make appearances, but with ...
  Your Morning Maddow

Morning Maddow: Tom Coburn Says Saving Veterans From Suicide Costs Too Much (Video)

Here's what it takes to get Rachel Maddow to cry
It’s certainly not news that suicide among veterans is a big problem. It’s also not news that expanded services for veterans is usually a popular idea. Consider the outrage earlier this year at delays in treatment at Veterans Administration hospitals, which resulted in the ...
  Here have some news n stuff

Justice Scalia: What’s So Terrible About Torture? It Works On TV!

What's the difference between real life and TV? Who knows? Who cares?
At least Supreme Court Justice Antonin Scalia isn’t in a position to make important decisions that affect people’s lives, or this might be a tad disturbing: Supreme Court Justice Antonin Scalia says torture — depending on the circumstances, like if a nuclear bomb was planted ...
  media circus

Inside The Collapse Of The New Yorker’s Inside The Collapse Of The New Republic

We haven’t had much — or anything? — to say about the mass hissyfit at The New Republic, because, honestly, how could we care? But that was before we read Ryan Lizza’s Inside the Collapse of The New Republic at the New Yorker, to which we could only sit at our kitchen ...
  Book Of Hatchet Job

Sundays with the Christianists: How Mark Twain Steered America Toward Hell

Mark Twain and his familiar
You may have thought that Mark Twain was some kind of literary genius, but did you also know that he personally ruined America by being such a good writer of books, which ruined America? We’ve finally reached the chapter we’ve been waiting for in Kevin Swanson’s culture-war ...
  We Watch So You Don't Have To

The Sarah Palin Fartknocker Report: Abortion, Vikings, And The Obvious Grift

The Sarah Palin Fartknocker Report, Presented by Fartknocker
The Sarah Palin Channel is conducting a fascinating investigation into just how little content it can publish without losing subscribers. Palin has published fewer than 22 minutes of video this month, and even that abysmally small number is inflated. For example, Palin’s post on December ...
  the commentczar's in town

Deleted Comments Of The Week: Why Don’t You People Cover The Important Stories?

Dear Sir or Madame: I am outraged by the poor quality of the .gifs on this mommyblog!
It’s the weekend, and time to catch up on some vital maintenance — refill the poison rat dick stockpiles, top off the Pony cache, and slop out the comments queue, that sort of thing. And we have some real winners from would-be commenters today, ranging from wingnuts who want to set ...
  the eyes have it

Tear Your Own Eyeballs Out For This Christmas Recipe, St. Lucy’s Baked Swede

St. Lucy was a 4th century martyr from Sicily whose feast day we celebrate today, December 13. She was killed because the pagan man to whom she was betrothed found out that she was straight up giving her dowry away to poors. In defense of the powers that were, they only executed after a team of ...
  Imperial Walker

Scott Walker Would Like All The Money For You To Pray With Him, Please

Hey, even Jesus hung out with money changers
Wisconsin Gov. Scott Walker got re-elected somehow — mandate of heaven, we guess — and he’s putting together plans for a big inaugural hootenanny. Now, in years past, inaugural events in Wisconsin used to also double as fundraisers for charities, like Boys and Girls Clubs or ...
  In Case You Missed it

Wonkette Week In Review: How On Earth Did You Miss These Stories?

Oh, there's good stuff in here.
We understand. We know how it is. You’re out there every day, holding together the shaky scaffolding of reality, keeping the world as we know it from disintegrating into chaos, doing your part against entropy. Or at least keeping that jackhole from Accounts Receivable from getting the ...