NO ONE KNOWS WHAT IT'S LIKE TO BE A SAD MAN  6:09 pm May 19, 2013

Whoops Looks Like Your Wonket Is Getting Sued Again Maybe, But Probably Not

by Rebecca Schoenkopf

Joan of Arc libel! Well, Wonkers, we defeated one meritless lawsuit threat with the power of laughter. (At least we assume we did, since we never heard from Bradlee Dean again.) But now there is another! Our old pal M. Joseph Sheppard, to whom we tried to offer the gift of friendship, and who was so eloquently addressed here, has a new website, “M. Joseph Sheppard Legal Defense Fund – Support Me In Defending Sarah Palin And Smashing Her Enemies!” It is a website whose sole purpose is asking for money to start a “legal defense fund” to smash us! :(

Here, let us read it, together!

I am M. Joseph Sheppard, a warrior for Sarah Palin and a warrior for the Lord.

My enemies formed a firing squad and their weapons are aimed at me.

I am fighting for Sarah Palin. My blogs are “palin4president2016″ and “Recovering Liberal.”

Now I need your help. I have to take legal action against my enemies who are using libel and slander to destroy me.

The communists at Wonkette and Daily Kos have started a war. They are also at war with Sarah Palin’s son Trig. They are evil. READ MORE »

 
 
HEY DAD I'M IN JAIL  11:52 am May 19, 2013

Sunday Nice Time: TV Minister/Doctor Who Sold ‘Cancer Cure’ Of Suntan Lotion And Beef Flavoring Going To So Much Prison, Hooray!

by Rebecca Schoenkopf

YOU ARE A BAD LADYChristine Daniel is a minister and doctor (although, not, to our knowledge, a realtor, dentist, or vampire hunter) who just wanted to help the world beat cancer! She did this by going on Trinity Broadcast Network and selling a mixture of suntan oil and beef flavoring.

To people with cancer.

As a cure.

For cancer.

Man, she may have outgrifted the Crouches! (For the lord, of course.)

Now she is going to jail for 14 years, and having to give back $1.2 million (SADFACE!), just for murdering people! STOP INFRINGING CHRISTINE DANIEL’S RELIGIOUS FREEDOM TO KILL PEOPLE, NOBAMA!!!! READ MORE »

 
THIS ISN'T EVEN MY FINAL FORM!  11:00 am May 19, 2013

Sundays With The Christianists: A Biology Textbook That Explains Science Is Mostly Atheists Making Things Up

by Doktor Zoom

Those Neanderthal ponies are scary. The world of 1983 was primitive and brutal.You know what’s compelling about creationists? They are awfully good at making incredulity seem like science: “Evolution is like believing that a tornado in a junkyard could build a 747″ and so on. Which means that we’re in for one last look at our tenth-grade science textbook, Biology for Christian Schools, by William S. “Stop Calling Me Pinkie Pie” Pinkston. Last time, we looked at the totally convincing scientific evidence for Noah’s Flood (review: God said it did), so now, let’s take a brief look at why most biologists are lying (it is because they hate God). READ MORE »

 
WHAT YOU NEED IS A BIG STRONG HAND  4:04 pm May 18, 2013

Bryan Fischer: Teh Gheys Can’t Be Scouts Because Scout Oath Says No Weaklings

by Doktor Zoom

Also, no Scouts with hemophila.Sorry, Homosexual America, but Bryan Fischer is thinking about You People again. By golly, it’s almost as if Bryan Fischer can’t think of many things other than gay people.

This time, the mouthpiece for the American Patriarchy Association is having kittens over the possibility that the Boy Scouts of America may vote to allow sodomites to be Scouts. Never mind that the BSA already does and always has, of course; we’re talking about the really dangerous kind of sodomites, the ones who don’t quietly pretend to be straight, you know. We don’t have any particular fondness for this little paramilitary organization, which we dropped out of after being unable to say “Webelows” “Webelos” without breaking into fits of snickering, but if gay kids want to be Scouts, we say go for it. READ MORE »

 
DELETED COMMENTS OF NOTE  1:30 pm May 18, 2013

Deleted Comment Of The Day: If We Were Really Progressive We’d Hate Blacks And Mexicans?

by Rebecca Schoenkopf

uncivil whitesOh, well this is … what is the opposite of fun? It is that. Let us think of some words for that: Gross. It is gross. And sad. And icky. And yuck! Oh, at first we assumed it was just some Occupy kids calling us out for our undying love of the Droner in Chief, which: fair enough! We voted for Nader (twice!), and it appeared to have some consequences to it! So now we are pretty much “DON’T CARE” if the Dems are corporatist moneyslurpers or love to bomb people from very far away, we are reasonably okay with that! But, no, “unperson192″ had more to say, in a comment that he (he, right?) typed from the ether straight to our moderation panel, and it seemed to boil down to: if we claim to love the poor, we will help get rid of blacks and Mexicans. Huh.

anti-racism, affirmative action, and the rest of the fakeleftist, social leftism regime is strongly supported by the top of society, by govt, by corporate hollywood, by the corporate media, by huge corporations, by the educational industrial complex. Strongly supported by all these rich and powerful institutions. If anyone fails to toe the PC line, they are destroyed by those in power in society. The civil rights movement itself grew out of the elites and was never supported by the white working class majority bloc.

Doesn’t that, in and of itself, tell you something?

Whose side are you on?
You are on the side of the rich and powerful. Whatever else is true, that fact is undeniable. READ MORE »

 
I'M SO EXCITED AND I JUST CAN'T HIDE IT  12:21 pm May 18, 2013

Why Does Ghost Andrew Breitbart Keep Stealing From The Pointer Sisters?

by Merle McMonocole

amercia fuck yehRemember that 1990s teevee show called The X Files, where that one good-looking cable soft-core star solved mysteries with that teensy skeptical ginger who always happened to look the other way when the crazy stuff happened, just like a pro-wrestling ref? And remember that man who smoked all the cigarettes and had all the big secrets and totally had the power to kill that cable soft-core star but never did because in his death that cable soft-core star would only become MORE POWERFUL and a MARTYR?

That cable soft-core star is exactly like Ghost Andrew Breitbart, who is also like Ghost Obi Wan Kenobi in that he always shows up in the minds of heroic young conservatives to tell them to turn off their targeting computers (“facts,” “science”) and just fire straight ahead hoping to score a one-in-a-million shot with their eyes closed (“BENGHAZI!”).

But even Ghost Andrew Breitbart sometimes does wrong. There’s a new documentary out, made by conservatives, that is supposed to just be about how good he was at the things he was good at: yelling, sweating, pretending videos that showed one thing actually showed something different.

But the only writer left at what used to be The Village Voice noticed something funny about the movie. (The Village Voice writer wrote in fussy second-person, pretending that *you* are Andrew Breitbart, because YOU WISH): READ MORE »

 
A WELL-REGULATED WONKETJUGEND  10:00 am May 18, 2013

Teen Korner For Teenz: Please Don’t Shoot Us Edition

by Kid Zoom

Sharing the loveGuns! Can live without ‘em, and with ‘em, well, we can’t live! I tell ya! But however much Obama and the Kommunist Youth are trying to take your second amendment gun fondling rights, you will always be able to keep your semiautomatic lead sprinklers, no matter how much we sensible people might try to grab them. However, there is a new, unmotivated threat to your crazy demands perfectly reasonable second amendment requests. That is *cue dramatic Bum Bum Bum* REASONABLE TEENZ! That’s right, we’re loud, we’re proud, and just let us get back to playing Fallout New Vegas already, jeez. READ MORE »

 
CRACK BACK: STILL WACK  5:51 pm May 17, 2013

New Trendy Thing: Local Pols Smoking Crack Like It’s 1999

by Doktor Zoom

It took a while, sure, but the Marion Berry copycats are suddenly coming out in droves! (They are just really really slow copycats because of their drug-induced torpor.) That is, if two counts as “droves,” and we figure fuck it, because that’s easily enough examples for a New York Times trend piece.

So here’s the big ‘un that was blowing up all over Twitterspace last night, like a heapin’ helpin’ of exploding foamy pigshit: Toronto Mayor Rob Ford, the man who has done the most to singlehandedly dispel the image of Canadians as “nice,” might also be the gentleman seen smoking crack on a 90-second cellphone video that’s been seen by writers from Gawker and from the Toronto Star. You know, Mr. Mayor, when people respond to stuff like you jumping up from a meeting and running outside to slap refrigerator magnets on cars by saying “is that guy on crack?” they don’t usually expect quite such a concrete answer. READ MORE »

 
A SOLUTION FINALLY  5:17 pm May 17, 2013

Tea Party Has New Holy Cause: Converting Known ‘Atheist’ George Soros!

by DDM

You can check out anytime you like, but you can never leave.The Tea Party is the absolute worst party in American history. It’s just like every sequel — the first one is totally awesome and brings about the creation of a new country, and the second one is Hangover 2. The Tea Party Nouveau is just like that! There is a fucking monkey and a Thai drug dealer and Michele Bachmann and whatshername, that one-time part-time quitter governor lady from that faraway iglooland place. The only change we have is more racism, an overabundance of derpitude, and a House of Representatives run by the Great Orange Crier. After trying to scam the gubmint to get out of paying taxes, how can the Tea Party possibly further ruin this week? Well, the religious scholars of the Alexander Lakes Area Tea Party recently decided to open their holier-than-thou, spittle-filled pieholes and spew forth vomitous awfulness. Ready to have your afternoon day-drinking buzz killed? Let’s go!

The Alexandria Lakes Area Tea Party (ALATP), Alexandria, MN, would like to invite you to participate in a world-wide prayer campaign for the conversion of George Soros from atheism to Christianity.

Let’s see what we know about George Soros. He is worth $4.5 gazillion dollars, is totally in love with Our Kenyan Emperor, and gives lots of monies away to super-duper liberal causes. Anything else about his past? Nah, nothing important we can think of. READ MORE »

 
THE ELEVENTH PLAGUE  4:12 pm May 17, 2013

Bradlee Dean: Gay Marriage Results In Plague Of Rocks, Rabies

by snipy

the gay rats are still quite handsomeSince you read Wonkette, you are probably a ghey or a ghey-lover, so you probably reacted with a range of emotions from “cool” to “ABOUT FUCKING TIME HELL YEAH” to the news that Minnesota’s gone gay all of a sudden. What you probably did not do is gnash your teeth and rend your garments about how God will strike errrebody down for the having the married buttsecks or not caring if anyone else has the married buttsecks. No worries, though, because Wonkette’s best friend Bradlee Dean has that freakout covered:

READ MORE »

 
CREATURE FEATURES  2:37 pm May 17, 2013

Raging Volcanoes, Mustard Gas In Clams, Atmospheric Carbon, And 50 More Ways To Die, In This Week’s Sci-Blog!

by C_R_eature

Charles KeelingWelcome, Wonkeratti! It’s time once again for another strange and disturbing Wonkette Sci-Blog. Take off your eyeshades, pull out your earplugs and throw away the cork. The happy man with the glass laboratory apparatus in the photo is Charles David Keeling, Professor of Oceanography at the Scripps Institution of Oceanography for 49 years. Born in Scranton, Pennsylvania, Keeling earned his chemistry degree in 1948 at the University of Illinois, got a PhD in chemistry from Northwestern University in 1954, did postdoctoral research in geochemistry at Caltech and joined the Scripps Institution of Oceanography in 1956. He was appointed as a Professor in 1968.
He’s the scientist whose research established the steadily rising concentration of Carbon Dioxide in earth’s atmosphere from fossil fuel combustion, presented visually in one of the most famous graphs of all time: the Mauna Loa CO2 record, also known as the Keeling Curve.

“Dave” Keeling’s famous graph might never have happened but for a random bit of serendipity. His original research project at Caltech in 1956 involved extracting Uranium from granite for the nuclear power industry and had nothing at all to do with the atmosphere. Keeling’s professor talked him into working on a side project, investigating and comparing the concentrations of carbonates in surface waters, limestone and atmospheric CO2. At the time the wet chemistry methods available to measure atmospheric carbon dioxide did not have the accuracy needed for the project, so Dave had to construct a very specialized instrument — a precision gas manometer, the first of its kind.

Keeling began collecting air samples well away from any sources of carbon — cities, forests and farms — and found something interesting. The precision manometer consistently returned a value of 310 ppm for atmospheric carbon. Was this a stable background value, he thought and if so, just how stable was it? Around this time Keeling’s research came to the attention of Roger Revelle at Scripps Institution of Oceanography and Harry Wexler of the US Weather Bureau. They all worked out a global CO2 measurement program, using Weather Bureau funds with new infrared gas analyzer instruments. One of these was installed at the Weather Bureau’s brand new station on top of Mauna Loa, Hawaii — well up into the mid Troposphere and far away from any industrial carbon bias. It only took a year or two before they realized that atmospheric carbon was not constant but, in fact underwent a regular yearly cycle linked to the growth and decay of plants during the hemisphere’s growing season.

Something else was odd about the data. The concentration of carbon dioxide in the atmosphere in 1958 was 1 ppm higher than in 1957. By 1960 the pattern of CO2 increase was significant, and Keeling published his groundbreaking paper The Concentration and Isotopic Abundance of Carbon Dioxide in the Atmosphere (pdf). This research, establishing anthropogenic carbon as a global warming agent, was cited by President Johnson’s Science Advisory Committee in 1965. Yes, that’s Nineteen Sixty Five. READ MORE »

 
ARGLE BARGLE  2:23 pm May 17, 2013

Peggy Noonan Writes Vomitous Spew, Cashes Large Check, Swirls Bourbon in Glass, Sighs Wistfully [UPDATED]

by Gary Legum

A conclusion in search of supporting facts.Peggy Noonan, the cloistered nun from the Order of Our Lady of the Perpetual Martini, has written a column of such bracing stupidity that it would shock us if it did not so closely resemble every other piece of hyperbolic twaddle spewing forth from every conservative anus right now like a molten flow of verbal diarrhea. Shall we all down a couple of beta-blockers and dive into it together?

We are in the middle of the worst Washington scandal since Watergate.

Okay Pegs, let us stop you right there. Not all of us spent the 1980s in a laudanum coma, and we remember a bigger scandal called Iran-contra, which you might have heard something about, and maybe even written a few speeches for your boss to use to try and lie his way out of it. On a moral scale, does “the IRS gave extra scrutiny to conservative groups it suspected were trying to game the system to avoid paying taxes while engaged in political advocacy” really rise to the level of high Reagan administration officials up to and likely including the Gipper himself collaborating with Iran’s mullahs to keep Americans in captivity just to win an election, and then later buying those mullahs’ silence by selling them advanced weaponry and then funneling the money to right-wing death squads in South America? For that matter, if you need a more recent example, is it a worse scandal than lying to your country in order to gain support for a half-assed invasion that has killed or wounded hundreds of thousands of people, drained our treasury, and further inflamed people who already hate us? If your moral scale is that out of whack, we’re going to suggest a recalibration is in order. Perhaps shutting your mouth hole and retiring to a real convent for several years of silence and meditation on your past sins, though honestly what you do after the mouth hole-shutting part is of no concern to us, as long as the mouth hole remains shut.

And that was only the first sentence! It can’t get worse, can it? READ MORE »

 
LIES DAMN LIES AND BENGHAZI  2:00 pm May 17, 2013

Republicans Fabricated Smoking Gun Emails They Maybe Illegally Leaked; Forgot To Add Smoking Gun

by Alex Ruthrauff

And then I was like, No dude, I totally said "terrorism!"
First, a disclaimer: We, like you, are so. Fucking. Tired! of Benghazi. If Republicans had just taken our advice, they would not be suffering in the polls because they are wasting everyone’s time, and we would not be weeping into our latte because we have to keep struggling to wring a few drops of funny out of this fucking nothingburger of a non-anything story. But this was too good to pass up: Not only were the “smoking gun” Benghazi emails that leaked this week actually devoid of anything that could be called a “smoking gun,” we now know that a) they were mostly just made up, and b) they came directly from unnamed Republican sources. READ MORE »

 
MO MONEY LESS PROBLEMS  12:34 pm May 17, 2013

Bill Gates Finally Finds Virus He Might Be Able to Cure

by DDM

Bill Gates might have a patch for this virus!Let’s say you are a wildly successful individual and have generally accomplished a good deal in your life. You are getting older, retired from you job, and are deciding what to do with your golden years. Wisely deciding against whale oil investments and buying land next to foamy sploading pigshit, you have several options in front of you.

In the Happy Time segment of this post, we give you Bill Gates. He has once again reclaimed the title of Richest Person in the World ($72.6 billion). Since he has more money than God (third place, $62.8 billion), he has decided to SAVE THE FUCKING WORLD. His newest goal is to eradicate polio. That’s right – since he was unsuccessful at eradicating any viruses through his venture with Windows, he said fuck it, I will take on polio. POLIO PEOPLE! The thing that crippled the godfather of liberals everywhere, Franklin “Jesus” D. Roosevelt (Peace Be Upon Him). And Bill Gates wants to wipe it off the face of the earth. The man has balls of (gold-plated) steel. How does he plan to do it? READ MORE »

 
WHEN IT RAINS IT POURS  10:42 am May 17, 2013

Guest Post From A U.S. Marine About Barack Obama’s Shocking And Disgusting Use Of An Umbrella

by Rebecca Schoenkopf

inpea ... zzzzzzYesterday we learned of one more reason to impeach the Kenyan impostor: as he was giving his press conference with the Turkish whoever, it began to rain, and he summoned two United States Marines over to hold umbrellas over himself and his Very Important Guest. Commentors at the Free Republic howled that PBO was trying to “humiliate” the Marine Corps by “demeaning them” and “demoralizing them.” They were very mad! Then one M. Joseph Sheppard, to whom apparently we have not been paying enough attention, tried to explain: we were wrong to simply point out other presidents having umbrellas held for them. The shocking scandal was that Barack Nobumer had made Marines disregard their own code, by holding umbrellas. He cited some uniform regulations, as if a Marine performing a service for his Commander-in-Chief were the same as a Marine delicately shielding himself from the elements while humping up a mountain or to keep his hair dry while doing drillsies.

In short, M. Joseph Sheppard is A Idiot. (And so, apparently, is the rightwing shitrag Daily Mail, which also thinks Obama made Marines “break the rules,” because they are A Idiot, and also because the piece was wrote by former Daily Caller shitragger-in-chief David Martosko, most recently seen asking why Joe Biden loves child rapists.)

Nonetheless, we called our older brother, Eric Steinberg, to ask if there could possibly be anything to the nonsense M. Joseph Sheppard and the entire Internet was vomiting all over the place, before it could get on our shoes.

He started yelling. A lot. “I GUARANTEE YOU!” he yelled, “IF THE COMMANDER IN CHIEF GIVES YOU A LAWFUL ORDER YOU FOLLOW THE MOTHERFUCKING LAWFUL ORDER. IF THE COMMANDER IN CHIEF WANTS AN UMBRELLA YOU BETTER BELIEVE A WHOLE FUCKING GRIP OF JARHEARDS ARE GONNA BE HIGH-STEPPING TO BRING HIM A MOTHERFUCKING UMBRELLA!”

And then he warmed up. “IN FACT! THE REAL FUCKING SCANDAL IS THAT THE CHAIRMAN OF THE JOINT CHIEFS OF STAFF WASN’T THE ONE HOLDING IT. ‘YOU! CHAIRMAN OF THE JOINT CHIEFS! HOLD MY MOTHERFUCKING UMBRELLA!’”

Then he decided to calm down, and write his words, with a lot of violent ideation that would get him banned five times over for disregarding the Rules for Commenting Radicals. Do not try this at home (or in the comments).

A Reply to M. Joseph Sheppard by Eric Steinberg, once and always USMC

Shut your cockholster, you civilian sack of shit. READ MORE »

 

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