declar...(hic)...ations

Peggy Noonan Impressed By Ted Cruz, Or Weakened By A Hangover, Hard To Tell

Uh, oh, someone's got a case of the Mondays!
Early Monday morning, Peggy Noonan of the Little Sisters of the Ambien Blackout roused herself from slumber. Her head still gauzy from the weekend’s activities, she stumbled to her parlor, where her house-boy, Manuel, had already set out a carafe of strong coffee and packets of the headache powders he found at some Dominican-run bodega nearby. Those immigrants, always with the ridiculous miracle cures they imported from their native, backward countries! What she wouldn’t have given for some ...
  Allen West: The Vettening

Internet’s Stupidest Man Chuck C. Johnson: Disgraced Torturer Allen West Also A Big Horndog

Hey Baby. Want to wrap your legs around an American legend?
So file this under shocking maybe mildly surprising if true: “Award-Winning Journalist” Chuck C. Johnson, the newly crowned Stupidest Man on the Internet, accuses conservative icon and disgraced former Army Colonel and one-term-only congressman Allen West of having done something awful: Gotnews.com can independently confirm that conservative icon Allen West sexually harassed two different women at Pajamas Media using more than a dozen sources. We honestly don’t want to ...
  Bring it on

Wall Street Banks Beg Elizabeth Warren To Stop Bullying Them, Or Else

Bring it on
Almost everyone loves watching Sen. Elizabeth Warren yell at the big banks on Wall Street, right? Right! But not everyone. You know who doesn’t love it? The big banks on Wall Street: Big Wall Street banks are so upset with Democratic Senator Elizabeth Warren’s call for them to be broken up that some have discussed withholding campaign donations to Senate Democrats in symbolic protest, sources familiar with the discussions said. Representatives from Citigroup, JPMorgan, Goldman ...
  Toxic Sludge Is Good For You; I'm Just Not Thirsty

Monsanto Fanboy: Weed Killer Safe Enough To Drink. F*ck No, I Won’t Drink It. (Updated)

Je ne suis certainement un énorme trou du cul, mais je ne suis pas stupide
Updated: see end of post. So here’s a thing of beauty: Chemical industry lobbyist apologist Patrick Moore wants to assure the world there is absolutely no truth to the pernicious assertions that glyphosate, the active ingredient in Monsanto’s Roundup herbicide, is harmful to humans. In an interview for a documentary on French television station Canal +, Moore denies that glyphosate has led to increased cancer rates in Argentina, because such a thing is simply UNPOSSIBLE. How ...
  The Passion of the Otto

Mean Democrats: If Tom Cotton Wants To Sext With Iran, He Has To Pay For It Himself

Senate Democrats have a plan to punish and oppress Tom Cotton (R-Confederacy) and to take away his freedom to be a traitorous douche-canoe, and they’re doing it by attacking his precious kitty cat letterhead. Monsters. Sen. Debbie Stabenow (D-MI) filed an amendment to a budget bill that would prevent any member of Congress from procuring stationery if said stationery were to be used for very specific anti-government reasons: Purpose: To establish a deficit-neutral reserve fund ...
  You Got Your Jesus In My Gun Bill!

Arizona Wingnut Senator: We Can’t Make You People Go To Church, So Have Some Guns Instead

Jesus is actually registered in her district
Look, all you screamy liberals, Arizona state Sen. Sylvia Allen is NOT introducing legislation to make going to church on Sunday mandatory, so stop your exaggerating and whining. She just thinks that such a mandate would be an excellent idea, is all. During Senate debate on House Bill 2320, which would allow Arizonans to carry concealed weapons just about everywhere — including schools, hospitals, and other public buildings — Sen. Allen explained there is no logical reason to ...
  so long farewell

Harry Reid Retiring To Let Someone Else Lead Senate Democrats To Defeat For A Change

Sooooooooo mean!
After insisting that he would absolutely seek re-election in 2016, Senate Minority Leader Harry Reid released a video and statement reminding us, in case we’d forgotten, that he used to be an amateur boxer — oh, and also, he will not seek re-election after all. “The job of Minority Leader of the United States Senate is just as important as being the Majority Leader. It gives you so much opportunity to do good things for this country. And that’s what I am focused on. Which is ...
  The similarities are EERIE

Congressmuffin Aaron Schock: I, Like Abe Lincoln, Am No Longer In Congress

This is how I felt after I freed the slaves!
The House Of Representatives is going into recess for two weeks, which means that ethically challenged CongressCheeks Aaron Schock had to do to his “So Long, Farewell” speech a few days early. Schock had previously promised to resign effective March 31, since the feds have started Just Asking about the various private planes, Katy Perry shows, and romance trips to India that Schock seems to have been spending taxpayer money on. Speaking to the House floor on Thursday, Schock ...
  like tears in rain

Louie Gohmert Teases 2016 Run Then Quickly Pulls Out, Leaving Us Lonely And Unsatisfied

Same
For a brief moment yesterday, yr Wonkette knew in our blackened heart a moment of the purest, most unfettered joy such as we had never felt before. Purer than when we got that Atari 2600 we wanted for Hanukkah or the first time we touched some boobies. For just a moment we were free of the careworn chains we drag through our earthly life. We were a being of pure energy, soaring through the clouds above the mountains and deserts and oceans of Creation, reveling in the sheer amazing gift of a ...
  twits gotta twit

George Will: Income Inequality Is Good So Poors Should Shut Up

Suck it, people concerned that widening income inequality could lead to economic disruptions and social upheaval!
A cry rang throughout the home of bowtied wax statue George Will, and that cry was “Mother! Father got into the cooking sherry again! He’s locked in his study gibbering like a baboon! Bring me a butterfly net and some spring training box scores!” Or there is the other explanation for this column, which is simply that George Will is an asshole. Yeah, that seems more likely. Will spent his allotted 800 words in Fred Hiatt’s Page of War Porn Masturbatorium the other day babbling about the ...
  Here have some news n stuff

The Way Jeb Bush Is F*cking Up, You’d Think He Was Already Running For President

Maybe the not so S-M-R-T one
Jeb Bush — who has got to be tired by now of being laughingly referred to as “the smart one,” but screw him, let’s never stop doing that, he IS supposed to be the smart one, isn’t he? — has had a lot of campaign problems for a guy who hasn’t officially launched his presidential campaign yet. Here’s his latest: Former Florida Gov. Jeb Bush (R) said it was a mistake for one of his foreign policy advisers to go speak at the left-leaning Israel ...
  Hide your kids hide your wives

Homosexual Spotted At Michigan Newspaper, May Be Armed With Agenda, Caution Advised!

Don't open the folder or glitter will get fucking everywhere.
God-bothering Michigan state Rep. Gary Glenn, who is also president of the American Family Association of Michigan, has an ALERT and a DRUDGE SIREN and, hopefully, a SHOCK VIDEO, to share with the people who populate the city of Midland:  There is a homosexual, and he is at the newspaper right now, and even worse than that, they have made him the editor! What kind of nefarious things must Dave Lascari, the new editor of the Midland Daily News, have done to the newspaper employees, to force ...
  On second thought ...

Ted Cruz Tossing A Fine Word Salad On Whether He’ll Enroll In Obamacare, Who Can Know? Not Him!

Hold on, hold on, still thinkin' ...
Remember when we all laughed and laughed and OMG LOL LIRL laughed so hard even more that Senator Ted Cruz was going to insure his family through the evil, illegal, immoral, jobs-killing, democracy-destroying Obamacare exchanges? Of course you do, it was yesterday, and we are still laughing. Ted Cruz would like all of us to please stop laughing at him now: “Senator Cruz and his wife are still weighing options for their family,” [Cruz spokesman Rick] Tyler wrote in an email to POLITICO when ...
  Troll Me Twice...Don't Get Trolled Again

Asking For ‘Obamacare Horror Stories’ Not Working Out That Well For Lying Assclown Cathy McMorris Rodgers

Statistician Twilight Is Offended By Your Pathetic Excuse For A Plot
Congresswoman Cathy McMorris Rodgers (R-Washington) had a great idea to document just how horrible Obamacare has been for Americans: She went to her Facebook page, posted a chart that doesn’t merely lie about the ACA but also makes no logical sense (a bullet point list of lies would at least look sensible, but a line graph?), and invited readers to share their Obamacare horror stories: Whether it’s turned your tax filing into a nightmare, you’re facing skyrocketing premiums, or ...
  why don't we get drunk and ... nope

Here Is John Boehner, Too Drunk To F*ck (Video)

Award-winning journalist (lol) Chuck C. Johnson has been promising us many SCOOPS this week! While we are still waiting on pins and needles and tenterhooks and fishbaits to find out which conservative politician’s CAREER Chuck is going to END with booby-grabbing revelations (IS IT BOB PACKWOOD????), we do have this sideways cell phone camera video of a man Chuck says is John Boehner, though there is no way to really know, come to think of it, slurring THE FUCK outta some names of some ...
  OK Maybe More Hookers Than Blow

DEA Gets Its Very Own Colombian Hookers-N-Blow Scandal

Can't believe they kept these wild photos!
Members of the Secret Service have to be feeling pretty relieved that theirs is now not the only federal agency with an embarrassing hookers-in-Colombia scandal. Agents from the Drug Enforcement Agency allegedly had “sex parties” — and possibly even wild sex parties — with prostitutes in Colombia from 2005 to 2008, according to a Department of Justice inspector general’s report. And just to add to the fun, the DEA agents’ prostie-parties were reportedly ...
  Not intended to be a factual law

Arizona Passes Bill To Make Doctors Lie About Abortion To Ladies For Ladies’ Own Good

Just lay back and enjoy the bullshit
Oh hey there, Arizona, how are you being terrible this week? Trying to help poors by taking away their health care so they learn how to not be poor? Nah, that was weeks ago! This week, the Arizona House and Senate have passed a bill to restrict abortion — yes, again — that includes a creative amendment requiring abortion providers to inform their patients: It may be possible to reverse the effects of a medication abortion if the woman changes her mind but that time is of the ...
  Just Don't Make This A Racial Thing OK?

Michigan Cops Had Perfectly Good Reason For Beating Up Unarmed Black Guy, Probably

Funny, not one working microphone, either.
Surprising news from Michigan: On Jan. 28, police in the Detroit suburb of Inkster were caught on dashcam dragging an African American man from his car, putting him in a chokehold, then repeatedly beating and tasering him because, they say, he was resisting arrest. We were surprised to learn that there’s a Detroit suburb named “Inkster.” The rest of the story is entirely too familiar: The video has no sound, because the police camera’s microphone was either not ...
  Just Don't Make This A Racial Thing OK?

Colorado Rep. Klingenschmitt: God Hates Bortions, So He Killed A Baby. That’ll Show Us!

This whole story is just...ick
You sort of have to admire the mind of Gordon “Dr. Chaps” Klingenschmitt, the Colorado Internet preacher who somehow got elected to the state House. No matter what horrible thing happens, Klingenschmitt finds a way to attribute it to either demons, God’s anger over abortion and/or The Gays, or some combination thereof. Which explains how he managed to take the news of a horrific attack on a pregnant Colorado woman and explain that it’s just God’s wrath on ...
  What -- no lube?

Republican House Passes Budget Bill To Screw America Because Screw You, America!

He really loves us
It was just a week ago that House Republicans introduced their latest scheme to screw America, which they charmingly call the Balanced Budget for a Stronger America. It would not actually balance the budget (unless you do some fancy magic “math” to it, which does not work in the real world, sorry) nor does it make America stronger, but come ON, it’s got a nice-sounding name, isn’t that enough? It would privatize Medicare, repeal the Affordable Care Act, slash funding ...
  But in a good way!

Christian Church Will Take Convention To Better State Than Anti-Gay Indiana, For Religious Freedom

The Disciples of Christ denomination's cup runneth over, even for gays!
Yesterday we learned that the organizers of Gen Con, a huge gamer convention that brings about $50 million a year in tourism moneys to Indianapolis, are threatening to pick up and leave Indiana once their contract with the state expires, because Gov. Mike Pence promised to sign a backward bill that says it will guarantee “religious freedom,” but is in a reality a license for the most horrible residents of Indiana to discriminate against LGBT people by denying service, ...
  This Fuckin' Guy

This Is Just Getting Ridiculous: Obamacare-Hatin’ Sheriff Ups His (Not-Begging) Ask To A Cool $60 Grand

Ritchie Mack, he's a sheriff down in 'Zona
Obamacare-hatin’ Sheriff Richard Mack has already clarified that he is not looking for charity, and also, thank you for all the charity, please send more charity. Now, Sheriff Mack’s supporters have reached down, grabbed the Sheriff’s bootstraps, and announced that they want DOUBLE the amount of other people’s money they originally said they wanted. It’s all a bit confusing, but here’s the latest constitutionally conservative note posted to ...