Also Their Football Team Sucks

Lawsuit Against Trump’s Scammy ‘University’ May Reveal What The Bastard’s Really Worth

On the other hand, we would totally go to Twilight Sparkle University
Here’s a little bit of trivia that you might want to stash away in the same corner of your brain that remembers how Al Capone was finally busted not for being a mobster, but for tax evasion: It’s starting to look like the best glimpse America may really get of Donald Trump’s actual net worth will probably come from a discovery filing in a class-action lawsuit against his dumb fake “University,” rather than from his federal election financial disclosure forms. ...
  You know who doesn't love a parade? Hitlery!

Media That Writes About Hillary Clinton’s Shoes Demands She Show Them More Respect

Must be campaign season!
On Saturday some nice elderly grandmother managed to set off a media conniption fit by using a rope to keep reporters away from her while she marched in a New Hampshire Fourth of July parade. Of course the grandmother was Hillary Clinton and New Hampshire is the most important state in the Union, at least until next February when we can go back to just thinking of it as that really cold shithole that isn’t Vermont. Hence the conniption. Clinton was in Gorham, walking along and pausing to ...
  Multi-Level Manboobs

Scott Brown Elected Senator Of Pyramid Schemes

Ever since America’s “sexy” senator got his bleached little butthole handed to him by Champion of the Proletariat Elizabethski Warrenovna, Scott Brown has had a bit of an identity crisis. With his teen modeling career in the toilet, and nobody wanting him as the Senator of Massachusetts New Hampshire Maine Vermont California Anywhere, Brown had to make ends meet repairing bikes in the perfect little photo op of North Hampton, New Hampshire. But it seems Ole Scott’s ...
  We Watched So You Wouldn't Have To

Sarah Palin Quits Thing.

Götterdämmer-grift
This July 4th, Sarah Palin celebrated America by announcing that she is quitting the Internet-teevee-channel grift, because quitting is what Sarah Palin does best. In video and text announcements on the Sarah Palin Channel, Governor Quitterface declared that as of August 1, anyone can consume premium, previously paywalled Palin content, because Sarah Palin is getting rid of her paywall for freedom, and not because the Sarah Palin Channel was an economic failure, heavens no. Palin’s ...
  nice time!

Pro-Life Colorado Republicans Angry That Teen Abortion Rate Declining

They work!
Who would have guessed that the “pro-life” sex education plan, which is essentially “do not have sex ever, you whore,” doesn’t work? Everyone would have guessed that! But Colorado has a lesson to teach America about what DOES work, and it is free birth control for everyone, so that ladies can do sex without worrying about unplanned pregnancies. We’re not sure the religious right will like this news, because it also means that ladies can do sex without ...
  Yoogest Classiest Broad Brush Out There

Donald Trump Dimly Aware That Messicans Don’t Like Being Called Rapists And Murderers

Most accurate Trump image yet
Watch the latest video at video.foxnews.com Donald Trump Isn’t backing off from his insistence that the borders are completely open and that most of those crossing are criminals, thugs, and thuggish criminals, but he is at least becoming vaguely aware that this stance may not be universally loved. On Fox & Friends Saturday, Trump took the opportunity to explain that his immigration views were vindicated because a man who’d been deported five times was charged with murder in ...
  the commentczar's in town

Deleted Comments Of The Week: Was It Over When The Jews Bombed Pearl Harbor?

Hey, Kids, hope you enjoyed both your Fourth of July and your Independence Day, seeing as how this was one of those years where they fall on the same day. Yr Wonkette had a nice day off and hardly blowed up anything at all that didn’t need ‘splodin’. And speaking of “highly Flammable,” we have for you a fine collection of deleted dumbth, starting with some thoughts from a “Dr. Lopez,” who we regret did not specify what his doctorate was in. Dr Lopez ...
  We Watch So You Don't Have To

The Fartknocker Report: Nanny-Stater Sarah Palin Tells America How To Raise Kids Good

The Sarah Palin Farknocker Report, Presented By Fartknocker
The Sarah Palin Channel has resumed its previous publication schedule, pumping out two videos (combined run-time: 3:26) in the last week. The first video, “Raising Patriots,” features Palin telling hard-working Americans how to raise their own goddamn kids, because Sarah Palin feels as though she is fit to offer parenting advice for some reason. Twenty-three of the video’s 106 seconds are devoted to Palin listing the places she visited on her 2011 bus tour, footage from ...
  Fornication Nation

The Snake Oil Bulletin: Let’s Slut It Up With Some Hot Hugging Action!

Sluts
Are you ready again for your weekly dose of scammery and flimflammery to wash away all those good feelings you’ve built up over the week? Then welcome again to the Snake Oil Bulletin! Greetings to you, sinners! And a special Platinum Greeting™ to all of our Premium Platinum Membership Sinners®, who so generously donated to the Snake Oil Bulletin Certified Snake Oil Tincture Club™  for the low, low price of only $49.99 a minute and their first born child! What a bargain! What a steal! ...
  we’re number one we’re number one!

Our Terribleness Is ‘Staggeringly Impressive': Your Florida Roundup

Everybody ride that dinosaur
Thrillist, which is a website you would read if you didn’t spend every waking moment not already set aside for 8-balls and hookers staring lovingly Yr Wonket, puts together these dumb lists every now and again, as websites do. (Thanks for that, Buzzfeed.) And to celebrate Murca’s birthday, Thrillist decided to rank all 50 states based on, well, “everything.” Guess which state ranked dead last? 50. Florida When putting together a list such as this, there can be some temptation to defy ...
  let's gossip about the week's top stories

Sarah Palin Declares Independence From Pretending To Be Employed. Your Weekly Top Ten.

THE CUTEST.
Hey Wonkers, happy Fourth of July weekend and shit! Do you need a nap? We sure do! Let’s all snuggle dressed like burritos after we read this post, like Wonkette baby, pictured above. (Did you SEE Editrix’s baby pictures post this morning? If you didn’t, you should go look at it!) So, it’s almost time for us to count down the week’s top stories, but first we need to ask you a very important question: GIVE US ALL YOUR MONEY, RIGHT NOW. Okay, fair enough, that ...
  mommyblogging

HI YOU WANNA LOOK AT SOME WONKETTE BABY PICTURES? Shut Up Liar, Yes You Do

Hello! Come in! Come in! Sit! What can I get you? Beer? Wine? Assorted jams? NOW LOOK AT MY BABY PICTURES! Maternity leave was great, thank you for asking! In fact, I will probably take more of it once Kaili is back from her vacation doing whatever Democrats do on vacation — probably golfing in Hawaii with the king of Spain. But how did I take maternity leave when we aren’t even Swedish? Easy, I own the company hahahahaha, oh, isn’t life rich. You’ve seen the one ...
  mommyblog and recipe hub

Lather Up Your Sexy 4th Of July Body With These Homemade JAMS!

Jam! Outdoors! Outdoor jam!
Is your 4th of July hot, steamy and patriotic? Cool your body off with some nice summer JAM! This recipe was originally published here, but now it is here! Enjoy! Are you sick and tired of buying factory made jam? Good, me too. Abandon your jars of unnatural concentrates and throw away the shackles of commercially prepared pectin! We are going to make our own jams! It’s August, when the temperatures are south of hell. Fruits and vegetables are reaching their peak flavors, though. Anything ...
  Coming Again To Save The Motherfuckin' Day

A Children’s Treasury Of Sexy Fourth Of July Patriotic Musical Videos

'Merca!
For your America Day enjoyment, we proudly present this retread/update of a 2011 post by “Wonkette Jr,” whose actual identity is lost to time — truly, we are standing on the shoulders of an unknown giant. Since not even YouTube is Forever, we also pruned the dead links and added all-new Patriotic Content! In case you fall off a diving board or something this weekend, and land on your head and forget what country you’re in, this is a pretty good weekend, because there ...
  Open up and say mmmrfffghhhlll

What Is Wonkette Ramming Down Your Throat This Fourth Of July?

Try THIS at home.
This post originally ran … a different time! But now it is for the Fourth of July, so that you may eat the corn dogs that spring forth from it. Corn dogs. It has come to this, and the devil is dancing tonight! Corn dogs are the terribleness. I was up on Faceborg, drunk, and Trix found me out. I have been dispatched to bring this special summertime delight to Yr Wonket, because this is an urgent, necessary evil. If we are to bear the miseries of this world, we need to be able to tell ...
  How was YOUR dumb week?

Barack Obama’s Terrible, Horrible, Badass, Balls Out Rager Of A Week

Editrix can have Old Handsome Joe Biden, we like Sexy Obama.
Oh look at the White House all BRAGGIN’ and shit. That Nice Time video above was provided to yr Wonkette (and by “provided,” we mean we went to the White House website and copied the embed code) as a way of illustrating how Barack Obama just had one of the most badass weeks of his entire presidency, a week bigger than the best weeks of Sarah Palin’s, Ronald Reagan’s, your mom’s, and Jesus’s presidencies COMBINED. Oh look at me, I’m Barack ...