The Last Guy You'd Suspect. Or The First.

Rightwing Sociopath Todd Kincannon Didn’t Domestic Abuse His Wife; He Was Just On Drugs

This is from TV, so presumably he's unmedicated here. God help us.
Always nice to start off the week with an entry for the “We Completely Believe This” file: rightwing bloviator and former head of the South Carolina GOP Todd Kincannon was accused of threatening his wife and forcibly refusing to let her get out of his car last Thursday, but don’t worry, there was no arrest in the incident and Todd Kincannon is no spouse abuser — he was simply in the throes of an intense allergic reaction to some cough medicine, he says. We’re ...
  Here have some news n stuff

Senate Can’t Find Time To Get Anything Done, Goes On Spring Break For Two Weeks

Homer Simpson for Senate Majority Leader?
Being a member of Congress really is the sweetest gig. You can suck at your job, get nothing done at all, collect a six-figure salary plus great benefits, and then take a vacation, because hey, you just worked so hard at not getting anything done, you’ve earned that break. Again: The Senate went home on Friday for a two-week spring break without confirming Loretta Lynch as attorney general. By the time lawmakers return, it will have been more than five months since President Obama ...
  Here have some news n stuff

President Scott Walker Will Overwhelm ISIS With Sheer Weight Of His Flip Flops

flippin' ain't easy
Scott Walker, Wisconsin’s governor and yet another 2016 presidential hopeful, is once again groovin’ to the sweet sounds of the Immigration Metronome. According to the Wall Street Journal, while at a private dinner with a group of New Hampshire Republicans, Walker floated the possibility of a path to citizenship for illegal immigrants. If this is really the case, it could be a pretty bold move for a Comic Sans candidate who, as recently as this month, is on the record against ...
  the commentczar's in town

Deleted Comments Of The Week: Oh Yeah Wonket? Well YOU’RE An Abortion!

Dear Sir or Madame: I am outraged by the lack of variety in the .gifs on this blog!
This week’s crop of deleted comments made us feel a bit nostalgic, since a couple of them employ a rightwing rhetorical trope that we first noticed when we still read the local news-paper while listening to Fleetwood Mac on the Victrola. It’s the simplest possible sort of non sequitur: just take any current event and point out that the Scourge Of Abortion is far worse. “I don’t see why the plane crash in ____ is news when hundreds of babies are slaughtered ...
  Miss us?

We Took A Week Off, Is Florida Still Dumb? (Yes): Your Florida Roundup

Did you miss Yr Florida Correspondent? Of course you did. Who else would put up with this putrid morass of dumb, for your edification and amusement? No one, that’s who. (Make your checks payable to CASH, please and thank you.) Why Don’t We Do It In The Road? We shall begin where these things always seem to begin: Fucking on a playground. The kids could see sex from the seesaw. A Florida couple got cuffed and charged with lascivious behavior for having sex near a playground in broad daylight ...
  We Watch So You Don't Have To

The Fartknocker Report: Sarah Palin Furious At Tyrant Obama For Letting ISIS Win All Wars

The Sarah Palin Fartknocker Report, Presented By Fartknocker
The Sarah Palin Channel is running out of things to say. The former governor of Alaska published less than six full minutes of content this week, and her longest video (clocking in at 2:17) focused on a four-year-old tale about the muzzling of a conservative student newspaper at the University of Minnesota, blah blah blah, it is just the most boring story about “free speech” you have ever heard. Palin did, however, manage to create not one but TWO fear-mongering videos about the ...
  Jonesin' For Hillary

Wingnut Alex Jones And Troll Army Declare WAR On Toymaker For Selling Hillary Clinton Dolls

Made with the latest in molded pantsuit technology
Jason Feinberg isn’t a political junkie. Sure, he follows politics in general. He votes. And in 2008. his little toy and novelty manufacturing outfit, FCTRY in Brooklyn, had something of a hit with a Barack Obama action figure, which sold around 200,000 units and allowed him to quit teaching high school English to be a full-time entrepreneur guy. But he doesn’t follow the political blogosphere with the obsessiveness of a Wonketteer, so he had no idea who “Alex Jones” ...
  Now with 50% more con artists!

Snake Oil Bulletin: Health Guru ‘Cures’ Cancer With Diet And Detox (And Not Having Cancer)

Salutations, Sailors! Welcome back to the Snake Oil Bulletin, your premium blend of all the latest and greatest in quackery, hackery, and general chicanery. We’ve got a full schedule ahead of us, so let’s nose dive right in to it with some cancer woo. Cancer-curing health maven probably lied about cancer and also everything else This week in our Profiles in Chicanery, we introduce you to Belle Gibson, an Australian “natural health” guru and that pretty smiley lady ...
  One Toke Over The Bottom Line

Willie Nelson Will Fulfill Lifelong Dream Of Smoking Out Entire US Of A, For Fun And Profit

America's newest titan of industry
Some 81-year-old pothead loser named Willie Nelson, who will never amount to anything because that’s what pot does to you, has a plan to open a chain of retail stores selling his own custom brand of the evil demon weed, and all necessary evil demon weed accessories like bongs and such, all over America. According to the Daily Beast’s interview with “veteran hemp and pot lobbyist” Michael Bowman, who is also the official spokesstoner for Nelson’s new brand of ...
  Allow her to retort

Elizabeth Warren To Wall Street: Drop Dead

The too-big-to-fail banks think they’re going to teach Professor Elizabeth Warren and the rest of her progressive rebel scum a lesson about saying mean things about them. As we just learned, the heads of the five families dick-swingers from Citigroup, JPMorgan, Goldman Sachs, and Bank of America have been talking amongst themselves about how to get Warren to pipe down with all her talk about how corrupt they are and how they caused the financial crisis in 2008 that almost broke the ...
  She Also Knew We'd Make Fun Of Her

God Gives Lady Gift Of Prophecy To Save The World, Predict How Movies End

If it's one thing I can't stand, it's people groveling.
Spoiler alert: These people are insufferable. In a recent video (sadly not embeddable), self-proclaimed Christian “prophets” Rebecca Greenwood and traditional straight-married couple Cindy and Mike Jacobs compared notes on how exactly their God-given gifts of prophecy work. It was pretty impressive, and we had no idea how trying the work of prophecy could be! Greenwood said one of the first manifestations of her prophetic gift was her childhood prediction that “killer ...
  Nice state you've got there -- shame if something were to happen to it

Corporations And Celebrities Agree: Anti-Gay Indiana Can Get Bent

On Thursday, wingnut Indiana Gov. Mike Pence signed his state’s Fuck The Gays bill into law, which basically says that as long as your religion tells you Jesus’s first and only question on Judgment Day will be “and how many of my gay children did you personally abuse?”, you are free to use those beliefs to deny LGBT people service and accommodations in the forgotten, godforsaken state of Indiana. Gov. Pence did so because apparently the threat of losing tourism ...

Peggy Noonan Impressed By Ted Cruz, Or Weakened By A Hangover, Hard To Tell

Uh, oh, someone's got a case of the Mondays!
Early Monday morning, Peggy Noonan of the Little Sisters of the Ambien Blackout roused herself from slumber. Her head still gauzy from the weekend’s activities, she stumbled to her parlor, where her house-boy, Manuel, had already set out a carafe of strong coffee and packets of the headache powders he found at some Dominican-run bodega nearby. Those immigrants, always with the ridiculous miracle cures they imported from their native, backward countries! What she wouldn’t have given for some ...
  Allen West: The Vettening

Internet’s Stupidest Man Chuck C. Johnson: Disgraced Torturer Allen West Also A Big Horndog

Hey Baby. Want to wrap your legs around an American legend?
So file this under shocking maybe mildly surprising if true: “Award-Winning Journalist” Chuck C. Johnson, the newly crowned Stupidest Man on the Internet, accuses conservative icon and disgraced former Army Colonel and one-term-only congressman Allen West of having done something awful: can independently confirm that conservative icon Allen West sexually harassed two different women at Pajamas Media using more than a dozen sources. We honestly don’t want to ...
  Bring it on

Wall Street Banks Beg Elizabeth Warren To Stop Bullying Them, Or Else

Bring it on
Almost everyone loves watching Sen. Elizabeth Warren yell at the big banks on Wall Street, right? Right! But not everyone. You know who doesn’t love it? The big banks on Wall Street: Big Wall Street banks are so upset with Democratic Senator Elizabeth Warren’s call for them to be broken up that some have discussed withholding campaign donations to Senate Democrats in symbolic protest, sources familiar with the discussions said. Representatives from Citigroup, JPMorgan, Goldman ...
  Toxic Sludge Is Good For You; I'm Just Not Thirsty

Monsanto Fanboy: Weed Killer Safe Enough To Drink. F*ck No, I Won’t Drink It. (Updated)

Je ne suis certainement un énorme trou du cul, mais je ne suis pas stupide
Updated: see end of post. So here’s a thing of beauty: Chemical industry lobbyist apologist Patrick Moore wants to assure the world there is absolutely no truth to the pernicious assertions that glyphosate, the active ingredient in Monsanto’s Roundup herbicide, is harmful to humans. In an interview for a documentary on French television station Canal +, Moore denies that glyphosate has led to increased cancer rates in Argentina, because such a thing is simply UNPOSSIBLE. How ...
  The Passion of the Otto

Mean Democrats: If Tom Cotton Wants To Sext With Iran, He Has To Pay For It Himself

Senate Democrats have a plan to punish and oppress Tom Cotton (R-Confederacy) and to take away his freedom to be a traitorous douche-canoe, and they’re doing it by attacking his precious kitty cat letterhead. Monsters. Sen. Debbie Stabenow (D-MI) filed an amendment to a budget bill that would prevent any member of Congress from procuring stationery if said stationery were to be used for very specific anti-government reasons: Purpose: To establish a deficit-neutral reserve fund ...
  You Got Your Jesus In My Gun Bill!

Arizona Wingnut Senator: We Can’t Make You People Go To Church, So Have Some Guns Instead

Jesus is actually registered in her district
Look, all you screamy liberals, Arizona state Sen. Sylvia Allen is NOT introducing legislation to make going to church on Sunday mandatory, so stop your exaggerating and whining. She just thinks that such a mandate would be an excellent idea, is all. During Senate debate on House Bill 2320, which would allow Arizonans to carry concealed weapons just about everywhere — including schools, hospitals, and other public buildings — Sen. Allen explained there is no logical reason to ...
  so long farewell

Harry Reid Retiring To Let Someone Else Lead Senate Democrats To Defeat For A Change

Sooooooooo mean!
After insisting that he would absolutely seek re-election in 2016, Senate Minority Leader Harry Reid released a video and statement reminding us, in case we’d forgotten, that he used to be an amateur boxer — oh, and also, he will not seek re-election after all. “The job of Minority Leader of the United States Senate is just as important as being the Majority Leader. It gives you so much opportunity to do good things for this country. And that’s what I am focused on. Which is ...
  The similarities are EERIE

Congressmuffin Aaron Schock: I, Like Abe Lincoln, Am No Longer In Congress

This is how I felt after I freed the slaves!
The House Of Representatives is going into recess for two weeks, which means that ethically challenged CongressCheeks Aaron Schock had to do to his “So Long, Farewell” speech a few days early. Schock had previously promised to resign effective March 31, since the feds have started Just Asking about the various private planes, Katy Perry shows, and romance trips to India that Schock seems to have been spending taxpayer money on. Speaking to the House floor on Thursday, Schock ...
  like tears in rain

Louie Gohmert Teases 2016 Run Then Quickly Pulls Out, Leaving Us Lonely And Unsatisfied

For a brief moment yesterday, yr Wonkette knew in our blackened heart a moment of the purest, most unfettered joy such as we had never felt before. Purer than when we got that Atari 2600 we wanted for Hanukkah or the first time we touched some boobies. For just a moment we were free of the careworn chains we drag through our earthly life. We were a being of pure energy, soaring through the clouds above the mountains and deserts and oceans of Creation, reveling in the sheer amazing gift of a ...
  twits gotta twit

George Will: Income Inequality Is Good So Poors Should Shut Up

Suck it, people concerned that widening income inequality could lead to economic disruptions and social upheaval!
A cry rang throughout the home of bowtied wax statue George Will, and that cry was “Mother! Father got into the cooking sherry again! He’s locked in his study gibbering like a baboon! Bring me a butterfly net and some spring training box scores!” Or there is the other explanation for this column, which is simply that George Will is an asshole. Yeah, that seems more likely. Will spent his allotted 800 words in Fred Hiatt’s Page of War Porn Masturbatorium the other day babbling about the ...