How Are The 2016 Democrats Not Embarrassing America This Week?

Aloha, class, time for another round of Oh Yeah, Democrats Are Running For President Too, Aren’t They? We know it’s hard to remember that because they are so boring, with their Serious Talk About Serious Issues, LAME. They don’t LITERALLY fling metaphorical feces at each other, or try to out-dick each other by figuring out which racial groups are A-OK to slur. (The answer is: none.) And not a single one of them has promised to send a big-ass wall to Mexico, POD. So ...
  When Life Gives you Lemons Burn Life's House Down

Why Are Hamptons Snobs Racist Against Kids With Lemonade Stands?

Police haven't identified the neighbor who complained. But we think we can guess.
In yet another example of Big Government stifling the small entrepreneur, we learn that some nosy neighbors in East Hampton, New York, complained to cops last that Jerry Seinfeld’s son and his pals were running an unlicensed lemonade stand. What’s truly surprising is that it took until the end of August for a Lemonade Stand Outrage story to make the news; that’s usually more a June or July story, although we see that in 2014, we also had a late-August Lemonade Outrage. ...
  You Oughta Know That Yr Wrong

Angry Feminist Angry Angry Feminist Isn’t Angry Feminist Enough

You know every word, do not lie.
Okay, we are going to say DISCLAIMER ALERT and TRIGGER WARNING, because we are about to write about how a thing written by a person who has ALWAYS been personally very nice to us is Wrong About A Thing.* We trust that she and we are both grown-up enough to have an intellectual discussion without it degenerating into FISTICUFFS. So, without further ado:   Dear Amanda Marcotte U R WRONG, You wrote the other day about how Taylor Swift, PBUH, was doing a concert in Los Angeles and, as ...
  tortured logic

Texas Republican Wishes Americans All Looked The Same, Like The Orientals

Yes, yes it is.
Here’s a new twist, a fun and exciting way for a Republican to lay blame for gun violence on something, ANYTHING, that isn’t spelled G-U-N-S. This time it’s Texas Rep. Pete Sessions, who is NOT, science fact, the same person as Alabama Sen. Jeff Sessions. Maybe they’re sisters! Anyway, why do we have so much gun violence, Rep. Sessions? Oh, it’s diversity, you say? Huh, WTF? Sessions attempted to explain it to radio host Chris Salcedo: It has a lot to do with ...
  How would Jesus lose?

Rick Perry Thinks He’s Jesus, Hopes To Also Come Back From The Dead

Ladies and other people, check out how sad-emoji this is. Rick Perry, whose presidential campaign obituary we already wrote, and then we wrote again, apparently wants us to do it a third time, because he just really likes that number, we guess, though we can’t remember why. He’s all out of money, and he’s damn near out of campaign staffers too, and not just because Donald Trump is stealing them to Make America Great Again. Piss-poor poop-broke Rick Perry can only afford ...
  Because "reasons"

South Dakota Republicans Want To Sneak A Peek Inside Teen Athletes’ Pants

Once again proving the age-old axiom that sex-bigot Republicans are actually sex-obsessed perverts, South Dakota state Rep. Roger Hunt has a fun proposal to prevent the scourge of transgender high school students playing for the wrong team, if you know what we mean: A high school athletic group enacted a policy last year that allows students to decide for themselves which gender group they will compete with. But some lawmakers are unhappy with that concept. […] The proposal from Rep. ...
  Mad About A Thing

NRA Dude Hopes Virginia Shooting Victims’ Parents Won’t Be Total Pussies About This

He's weeping, and also telling the NRA to go fuck itself with a rusty dildo.
After last week’s horrific on-air murder of TV journalists Alison Parker and Adam Ward, many people immediately braced themselves for exactly what disgusting thing the NRA would have to say. At first, there were mostly tumbleweeds, but as the NRA is perhaps the most evil institution in all of America, it was only a matter of time! Here’s a disgusting, soulless, stomach-churning response from the NRA’s Colion Noir, who Media Matters reports is part of the NRA’s new ...
  Another Prick With A Wall

Donald Trump’s Analogies Not Making America Great Again

We didn't say you have simply tons of ideas, Donnie. We said you had the ideas of a simpleton
Just in case you had any doubts that Donald Trump is the smartest, YOOGEST, most knowledgeable security expert running for president, we bring you this thought about border security from his Twitter feed, which belongs to him and is his: A few people in the replies tried to counter with the usual politically correct nitpicking, like noting that the White House is “a distinct, isolated target & doesn’t stretch for 3,000 miles, you moron,” to which several sharp people ...
  The Daddy Daughter Dance

Liz Cheney Knows Real U.S. American Patriots Love Old Dick

If you loved last year’s op-ed in the Wall Street Journal, by Dick Cheney and his evil spawn Liz, about why OBAMA SUX, you’ll be quite aroused in your privates to know that they have written a whole entire book about why OBAMA SUX. It is an expansion on their ongoing dialogue with each other that the Cheney administration was AWESOMEBALLS, and it is the fault of President B. Hussein Sucksalot that Gee Dubya Bush destabilized the entire Middle East by invading Iraq because of his ...
  Ohio Republicans Mad About A Thing

Tyrant Obama Stealing America’s Mountains Now, Giving Them Yucky Foreign Names

Surprised he didn't rename it Hope The Terrorists Win Mountain.
Emperor Obama has issued another fatwa, and this time it is about how it’s no longer okay for North America’s highest peak, which is located right in the middle of Ohio in Alaska, to be named after President William McKinley, but rather, it should be given a funny foreign Alaskan name, “Denali.” This is obvious government overreach, as all mountains got their names directly from Jesus, when they were formed, and He wanted this one to be named after a U.S. president. ...
  That's Not What 'Suffer The Children' Means

Texas Finds Exciting New Way To Screw Disabled Kids And Olds

Jaxon Huffman has a seizure disorder. Couldn't they just tell him to stop that?
The Texas legislature, always on the lookout for ways to save the taxpayers’ hard-earned dollars and to crack down on lazy welfare cheats (and everyone receiving government assistance is a cheat, unless their last name is “Inc.”), came up with a terrific idea: cut $150 million in Medicaid reimbursements for therapy provided to children and seniors, starting at the end of September. That’ll encourage kids and olds to take some responsibility for themselves and go get ...
  Man Who Won't Be President Makes Desperate Bid For Attention

Chris Christie Wants Barcodes For Foreigners, Just Like You Know Who

When You Absolutely, Positively Need To Improve Your Poll Numbers Overnight
Sad Bayonne hound Chris Christie offered a novel way to crack down on illegal immigration, which the 2016 Republican primary voters all agree is the greatest crisis in the world (apart maybe from Benghazi). Oh, sure, maybe a 300-foot wall built out of sharks and tigers, with drones and lasers and exploding anchor baby birth certificates is a good start, but how about the people who fly over the wall on an airplane (even if Donald Trump doesn’t believe in their existence)? In a speech ...

Kentucky Clerk Lady Already Going To Hell

The ones who led Kim Davis into sin
Oh, Kim Davis, clerk of Rowan County, Kentucky, all your fighting has been for naught! Your constant refusals to do marriage licenses for same-sex couples, even though the Supreme Court ruled for marriage equality and a federal judge and your governor have both TOLD YOU to do your fucking job? Wasted. Your pathetic attempts to appeal to higher courts, based on bad advice you’ve gotten from bad lawyers at the Liberty Counsel? Well, those were already dumb, since the 6th Circuit told ...
  Here's a neat idea!

America About To Fall In Love With Scott Walker, Says Scott Walker

This will probably be news to you, America, but you are nanomilimicroseconds away from falling head over heels for Wisconsin Gov. Scott Walker. True, you don’t love him now, and you’ve been liking him less and less all year, but that’s about to change. How do we know? Not because it says so on his hat, but because he said it, which pretty much makes it a fact. So, BOOM, ta da, and case closed.   Walker appeared on NBC’s “Meet the Press” on Sunday to ...
  the commentczar's in town

Deleted Comments Of The Week: This Is Clearly A Homo-Sexual Web-Page

Nothing classes up the joint like a top hat and monocle
What a week! Our Deleted Comments queue fairly groans with vast loads of deleted idiocy, and yet, we find ourselves facing quite the conundrum: While we had enormous numbers of deleted comments, not many of them were really all that worth mocking — they were more tiresome than absurd. And yet, we will muddle through, somehow. At least our story on Ben Shapiro’s gay-panic meltdown in response to the horrific shootings in Virginia managed to elicit an eminently quotable comment ...
  let's gossip about the week's top stories

Josh Duggar Can’t Read This Post Because He’s In Jesus Jail. Your Weekly Top Ten.

Sex bus.
Hey Wonkers, how is your Sunday? Just kidding, don’t care, let’s talk about ourselves. So last week there was, yet again, horrible, unspeakable tragedy, as two journalists were killed on air by a gunman with, surprise, a gun, and a lot of your top ten stories this week were about that. Also, Josh Duggar did some gnarly shit to a porn star and now he’s in the Jesus Sex Pokey for Grosses. So that’s in your top ten too. Weird week! Before we get into ALL the top ...