Gettin' Medieval

Carly Fiorina’s Medieval History Degree Will Help Her Beat ISIS, Crush Albigensian Heresy

Caedite eos. Novit enim Dominus qui sunt eius. Carly 2016!
Carly Fiorina took a break from her heavy schedule of lying, lying, lying, and more lying to engage in some plain old stupid bullshit for a change. She recently explained to a New Hampshire audience that her bachelor’s degree in medieval history and philosophy has prepared her to fight ISIS. Campaign watchers agreed it was a refreshing change of pace to hear her not so much lying as simply sounding like a job applicant explaining how working at McDonalds gave her “people ...
  Why does Bristol hate America?

Bristol Palin Must Apologize For Mass Shootings

Unhyphenated fuckhole Gov. Bobby Jindal ranted on his blog Tuesday about who is really at fault for America’s epidemic of mass shootings. We were so inspired by his profile in courage and leadership that we decided to consider whom else we might blame among the makers of dirty smut TV, single mothers, and absent fathers who contribute to the “cultural rot” of America. And, wouldn’t you know it, after careful study of Jindal’s checklist, we realized ...
  If you fap to this post GO THE FUCK AWAY

How Much Would You Pay To Watch Kim Davis Rub Naughties With A Black Lady?

Five dollars? Seven-fitty? Four easy payments of $19.99, as long as you call right now and they throw in a matching set of cookware for free? Well sorry, but you’ve all been outbid. A porning company called The Dogfart Network (what, was every other word in the English language taken?) has put out a press release offering one Mrs. Kim Davis, wife of Otter Farts “Joe” Davis, gay-hatin’ clerk of Rowan County, Kentucky, FIVE HUNDRED THOUSAND smackeroos, on one ...
  The Waffle Truth

‘Oath Keepers’ To Boycott Waffle House Until It Apologizes For Being Mean To Guns

It's Waffle House. Wouldn't carrying Pepto Bismol make more sense?
Looks like the great patriots of that lovable anti-government paramilitary group the “Oath Keepers” are expanding their self-defined mission from protecting wildcat miners on public land and deadbeat welfare ranchers into the exciting world of organizing consumer boycotts! These brave defenders of the Constitution are all het up about a September incident at a Waffle House in Nicholasville, Kentucky, in which National Guard member Billy Welch was asked to please leave his ...
  Who would Jesus yadda yadda?

Catholic Church Considers Finding Nicer Way To Tell Homos They’re Gonna Burn In Hell

omg, y'all, I cannot even with this
Time for another sexy funtimes sleepover at the pope’s house, and all the coolest bishops are invited! Last year, at the Synod, they all had such a good time, making s’mores and friendship bracelets and learning how marrieds sex each other and promising to be BFFs and guessing which one of them was gay. (Hahaha, ALL OF THEM.) And then they gossiped about this idea of starting to work on thinking about considering the possibility of being a tad bit not so dickish to The Gays. But ...
  Threats to our Christian way of life

Hindu Witch Lady Terrorizes Innocent Christians At Air Force Dental Clinic

Hooray, an actual witch hunt!
  As we all know, the United States military is an all-evangelical Christian fighting force that’s been under attack as of late, mostly by the homosexuals and the transgenders being allowed to do their gay-gender diddles in foxholes next to the True Christians, who are busy actually WINNING against ISIS. At least, that’s what we hear from the religious right, and they never lie. But did you know there’s another threat? It is in the Air Force, specifically a dental ...
  Fuck you

Bobby Jindal Demands Apology From Oregon Shooter’s Father, For Not Loving Guns Enough

Oh looky here, isn’t this just so adorbs? Bobby Jindal, the outlaw scumbag Confederate governor of Louisiana, made like a dirty blogger in his mom’s basement, and blogged his thoughts about the young man who murdered nine people in Roseburg, Oregon, before turning the gun on himself. Are they nice thoughts? Fuck no, we just told you these are direct from the so-called brain of Bobby Jindal, who is a terrible skidmark of a human being, for any number of reasons, take your pick, ...
  Man Up Will You?

Ben Carson Will Only Visit Families After Next Massacre If Victims Aren’t Such Pussies

And did we mention A Moran, also too?
Dr. Ben Carson has been sharing a lot of thoughts about the massacre in Oregon, and for a fellow who sort of faded into the background of the first two Republican debates, something about the murders in Roseburg has turned the man into a veritable Fountain of Derp. On Fox and Friends Tuesday, Carson made it clear that he was disgusted that Barack Obama would politicize the tragedy, and then non-politically explained that we need guns to prevent tyranny, and if he were president, he’d ...

Uh Oh, Looks Like Dumb Duggar Kids Don’t Have Proper License To Win Souls For Jesus

Sexytime Jesus Vacation
Jill Duggar Dillard and her husband, Arranged Husband Dillard (his name is “Derick”), are supposedly missionaries in Central America. You remember — we reported on how their Beliebers were all mad about how it sure LOOKS like they’re using all the donation moneys for their Dillard Family Ministries to sidehug each others’ dicks around the globe, instead of ACTUALLY winning the souls of Central American gang members, for Jesus’s army. Well, that story just ...
  Be A Refuge To The Outcasts (Unless It's Inconvenient)

Ted Cruz Thinks Refugees Are Gross, Forgets Where His Dad’s From

Pretty much what you'd expect from a guy with a pinched face
In the ever-escalating competition to ignore the plight of Syrians escaping their country’s civil war and to be the biggest dick about it, Canadian Sen. Ted Cruz made a solid effort Monday, saying it would be “nothing short of crazy” to help them. (His effort fell well short of Donald Trump’s epic assholish promise to repatriate Syrians who have already been resettled in the USA, or Mike Huckabee’s suspicion that they just want cable TV.) Apparently, Ted Cruz ...
  Christ what assholes

Mean Judge Says Hobby Lobby Not Allowed To Look At Your Genitals

Uh oh, America is being mean to Hobby Lobby again. First, the preferred arts and crafts store of Christian vlogger moms in the Bible belt was forced to perform late-term DIY abortions in aisle 13, right next to the scrapbooking supplies. Thankfully, five unelected lawyers in robes swooped in to save them before Jesus went on a crying jag. But now Hobby Lobby’s sincerely held religious beliefs are being persecuted and fed to the lions once again, because a transgender employee wants to ...

Indiana Governor: What About A Law So We Still Get To Hate The Gays?

Remember earlier this year, when the entire known universe (except, like, Iran and Alabama) did a Two Minutes Hate against Indiana and its very stupid governor, for signing a Religious Freedom Restoration Act (“RFRA” if you’re nasty) that basically said, “Hey gays, fuck you, and here are the ways we get to discriminate against you for Jesus”? Let’s refresh ourselves. After Gov. Mike Pence signed the bill, the business community in Indiana lost its ...
  Apocalypse Real Soon

World’s Going To End Wednesday. Wear Something Nice!

Hunka Hunka Burnin' Planet
You may have been pretty relieved when we dodged the Mormon Apocalypse last week, what with the supermoon lunar eclipse not ushering in any Utah-destroying earthquakes or United Nations invasions. Well, wouldn’t you know it, another, completely different bunch of prophecy-interpreters has predicted that the actual End of the World will be upon us come Wednesday, Oct. 7, absolutely for sure. And this time, it’s not something so vague as the “beginning of the End,” ...
  Because it's different that's why

Oh Look, Another Republican Suddenly Supports Disaster Aid For His Own State

You really gotta appreciate the fiscal conservatism of the Republican Party. Always looking out for the overburdened taxpayer, never wanting to waste a dime on anything as frivolous as healthcare or food for people living in poverty or a little extra help for grandma or, god forbid, any aid whatsoever to a region destroyed by a major natural disaster. It’s called bootstraps, people, and if your house got carried away in a flood and all your roads wiped out, well, too bad for you and ...
  The Gun Is My Shepherd

Tennessee Lt. Governor: Don’t Panic, But Every Christian Needs A Gun Right Now

Locked and Loaded for the Lord
Like so many Americans, Tennessee Lt. Gov. Ron Ramsey was overcome with emotion following the murders of nine people at Umpqua Community College in Roseburg, Oregon. So the day after the tragedy, he did what Americans do in times of national mourning: He posted a lot of stupid shit to social media, including a warning that good Christians need to arm themselves because the enemies of Jesus are coming for them. It’s always nice to see a government official make practical suggestions ...
  Our Cold Dead Hands

11-Year-Old Shoots 8-Year-Old Over Puppy, America Remains Free Of Tyranny

An 11-year-old boy in White Pine, Tennessee, has been arrested for murdering his 8-year-old neighbor Saturday after she refused to show him a puppy. The boy shot the girl from the window of his family’s mobile home using his father’s 12-gauge shotgun, which was no doubt kept handy for home protection and, in a pinch, the deadly resolution to childhood disputes. As of Oct. 5, 559 children under the age of 11 have been shot to death in America in 2015, according to the Gun ...