Andrea Mitchell Is Why We Can’t Have Nice Things

Whatev, Andrea
Have you heard the story about the president who got a blowjob from a lady who wasn’t his wife? Sure you did. Because that blowjob would be old enough to drive a car by now, and lots of hack “journalists” cut their teeth typing out the scintillating details of semen stains and ...
  Here have some news n stuff

Ron Paul Tells Dumb Son To Shut His Big Stupid Yap

Just trying to live up to daddy
Grab your popcorn, it’s time for another round of Republican Daddy Issues: Ron Paul, who is a medical doctor, pointed out that an estimated 3,000 to 49,000 people died every year from influenza, but no one was considering a travel ban to stop the flu from spreading. “So right now, I would ...
  letter from moscow

Hello! I, Vladimir Putin, Have Great Comradeship To Share With Your Wonkette!

Psst! Mr. Riley Waggaman! How can you resist Vladimir?
Greetings, American stooge monkeys! It is I, your great friend President Vladimir Vladimirovich Putin, once again here to speak to you on the Wonkette! Now that you have correspondent in our Motherland, is only fair that Vladimir respond. Not to worry, Mr. Riley Waggaman! Though America is safe ...
  We Have Always Been At War With Ebola

Idiots Blocked Obama’s Surgeon General Nominee. Thanks Obama!

We make the *other* poor dumb bastard die of Ebola
Important news from the “I know Obama’s an obstructionist, what am I?” front. Missouri Sen. Roy Blunt explained on Meet the Press Sunday why America doesn’t have a Surgeon General during this here Ebola outbarack: turns out that it doesn’t have anything to do with ...
  jesus is coming ... in a totally heterosexual way

Bigot Twins’ Hobo Dad Has Nothing Better To Do Than Heckle Gay Weddings, For Jesus

Jesus hated boobies
Remember when Jesus said all that stuff about queers putting their wangers in their butts and how you can’t make a butt baby? We don’t either, but some hobo convicted stalker “street preacher” who is the dad of those sexy Aryan Bigot Twins sure does! And that is why he, ...
  true grit

Look At This Fake ‘War Hero’ … Oh. Wait.

If he's not going to use a pic of himself in uniform, neither will we
From Charlie Pierce, the feel-good political story of the day: There’s this Democrat guy running for the 6th Congressional district in Massachusetts, Seth Moulton, who made it onto the radar of Boston Globe reporter Walter Robinson because while Moulton is a veteran of the Iraq War, his ...
  Who would Jesus kill?

‘Pro-Life’ Murderer Demands His First Amendment Right To Kill Again

Yep, conspiracy to commit murder is right in there!
When a convicted “pro-life” terrorist who shot an abortion doctor to death, in his own church — for the unborned babies, and for Jesus! — threatens to do it again, you should probably take him seriously. Scott Roeder, who murdered Dr. George Tiller in 2009, has been ...
  Land Of The Freaked And Home Of The Terrified

What Stupid Pointless Ebola Freakouts Are We Having Today?

Keep Calm and Freak Right The Fuck Out
Now that the first group of people to be exposed to Thomas Eric Duncan — including his fiancée and other members of his family in Dallas — have made it through their 21-day quarantine period without developing the disease themselves, you might think that maybe people might be ...
  smashing pumpkins

Jerk Cable Access Reporter Besmirches Honor Of Great Pumpkin Fest White Riot

insert something
Journalists! They are always trying to smear their journa-poo on every last good thing, like Keene, New Hampshire’s, Pumpkin Fest, or Sarah Palin! Here we have one “Jared” “Goodell,” who’d broadcast live from the Pumpkin Fest for eight hours, because we guess ...
  Dear Tucker: This One Time At FEMA Camp...

Idaho Christians Going To Jail For Standing Up To Homosexuals, Just Like Martin Luther King

Looks like the pogayto will be getting a lot of work now
Nobody could have seen this coming. The second Idaho got marriage equality, the crazed liberals who rule that state started oppressing supporters of traditional marriage right and left. Just look at this screaming headline from Tucker Carlson’s Internet Rage-a-torium: “Idaho City To ...
  From Russia With Snark

Don’t Sanction Me, Bro! (Dispatches from the Motherland)

But this time without Patrick Swayze, RIP
Russia. How “serious” is it? Medical experts still don’t know, but President Obama thinks it may be as dangerous as a hemorrhagic fever that causes traumatic diarrhea, usually followed by death. For some obscure reason, this honey-dipped flattery wrapped in rose petals has not ...
  clipbait

John Oliver: Congratulations, You Get To Come To America. Or Not. (Video)

Welcome to America; here's your bureaucratic nightmare
Update/followup: See end of post for a chance to do some good, or at least try to. After a week off, John Oliver is back in crusading investigative comedy mode again, as Last Week Tonight brings us this story on the paperwork nightmare faced by Iraqis and Afghans who worked with U.S. forces as ...
  An Orgy Of White-On-Orange Violence

It’s The Great Pumpkin Riot, Scott Brown

Now that he’s running for Senate in New Hampshire, former Massachusetts Sen. Scott Brown is totally A Guy From New Hampshire who would never miss the New Hampshirest of all possible events, the Pumpkin Festival in Keene. Even though this folksy college town was a powder keg of white rage ...
  Here have some news n stuff

Elizabeth Warren Is Being A Badass Again, Because It Is A Day

Elizabeth Warren for everything
We sure do love us some Sen. Elizabeth Warren because ALL the reasons. She is always yelling at the too-big-to-fail banks and the sleazy credit card industry and the sleazier Republican Industrial Complex and the greedy bastards who think They Built That. And here she is again, telling it like ...
  Audio Clipbait

Here’s What Stephen Colbert Would Tell Studs Terkel If He Could

Wouldn't THAT be an interview?
From Slate, a pretty cool new feature that we’re going to try to keep up with: They’ve taken the simple idea of Studs Terkel’s outstanding oral history book Working: People Talk About What They Do All Day and How They Feel About What They Do — ” the best book you ...
  In Case You Missed it

Wonkette Week In Review: How Did You Miss These Nuggets O’ Brilliance?

Yes, yes, you were 'working'
We have come to understand that the weekend is an important time for some of you Wonkers with “jerbs” to “catch up” on the Wonkettey goodness that you may have missed during the previous week, possibly because instead of just clicking on Wonkette all day like a normal ...
  We Watch So You Don't Have To

The Sarah Palin Fartknocker Report: Sarah Reaches Out To ‘Bitter Clingers And Wingers’

It’s October, and in just a couple weeks, a depressingly small percentage of Americans will vote for a new Congress. Sarah Palin’s out on the campaign trail, makin’ darned sure that the whitest and rightest midterm voters pull the lever for the Republican Party’s vision ...
  Still More Lies From The Pit Of Hell

Sundays With The Christianists: How Western Culture Got All Satanic

Image dimensions: 700 X 666 -- we swear it just worked out that way
Welcome to part 2 of our exploration of Apostate: The Men Who Destroyed the Christian West, by Colorado radio preacher Kevin Swanson, whose goal in this book is to explain just how Western Civilization was destroyed by just about everything that we commonly think of as Western Civilization ...
  the commentczar's in town

Deleted Comments Of The Week: An Armed Society Will Teach Black Teens Some Manners

Scootaloo thinks you should just just throw away your TV and radio and your computer and go join the Amish
It’s time for our weekly mucking-out of the ol’ comments queue — a chore that we manage to be more diligent about than we are when it comes to changing the water in our betta fish’s tank. Sorry about that, Flushy, but the slime is just a lot thicker in the comments ...
  Enjoy this perfect October drink

Make Your Own Pumpkin Spice Latte, On The Real

Made with real pumpkin
Now is the time when millennials and their mothers squee for a piping hot Pumpkin Spice Latte. What is this about? Pumpkin Spice Lattes are hot things people drink in October. It provokes ridiculous smiles and smells like pie. Millions of people have a girlish devotion for this drink, even ...
  A Fistful Of Dullards

Cliven Bundy And His One Black Friend Star In Weirdest Political Ad Of 2014 (Video)

Oh, sure, we’ve called several ads weird, or even the weirdest. We thought maybe we’d seen all the weird that could be seen when Minneapolis mayoral candidate Jeff Wagner walked out of a lake holding a coffee cup last year, but this thing we are about to unleash on you poor ...
  Now From Our Boise Bureau

Nice Time: Idaho Veterans Cemetery Will Stop Discriminating Against Dead Gay Sailors

Jean Mixner & Madelynn Taylor; Mixner died in 2012
Remember the infuriating story about Madelynn Lee Taylor, the Navy veteran who wanted to reserve a spot in the Idaho Veterans Cemetery for her ashes, to be interred with the ashes of her late wife, Jean Mixner? The two had been together since 1995, and were legally married in California in ...