document dumps

Hillary Clinton’s Emails Are Sexplosion Of Benghazi Lies, Betrayal And Glamour Shots

Giving the orders for BENGHAZI?????!?!!!!?
The day has finally come, where we get to begin feasting at the buffet of Hillary Clinton’s emails! Will we find the underage sex slaves and the Russian blackmail? Will we finally find a bad thing for Rand Paul to use against her, because he is too lazy to find one himself? Will we find the email confirmations from Travelocity, for a quick there-and-back trip to Benghazi, so she could personally murder the American ambassador herself??? Meh. But there are things about Benghazi, namely ...
  B Movie Plots Are Not Good Governance

Let’s Get Waco Biker Gangs To Shoot Up The Muslims, How About That?

This oughta be GOOD
It takes a special kind of mind to look at the madness of Sunday’s Great Big Waco Biker Massacre and see an opportunity for directing all that hatred elsewhere, which is why we admire the ingenuity of this brilliant idea from Sandy Rios, radio gabber for the American Patriarchy Association. Instead of just letting America’s outlaw biker gangs’ energy go to waste with internecine fighting, why not use the Magic Of Jesus to turn those bad boys to the right side of the law, ...
  How dare you quote his own words to him

GOP Senator Loves Iran, Hates Obama, Wants You To Shut Up About That Now

Sen. Ron Johnson (R-Traitor)
Check out this giant steaming pile of Iran-shaped elephant manure Wisconsin’s Republican Sen. Ron Johnson stepped in: “Now, a President who was awarded the 2013 Politifact Lie of the Year, if you like your healthcare plan you can keep it, period. If you like your doctor you can keep it, period. They lied boldfaced to the American public repeatedly with Obamacare,” the Wisconsin senator said at a recent town hall in Cerdarburg, Wisconsin. “I don’t know, I hate to admit it, but in terms ...
  Louie Louie...A Me Gotta Goh-Mert

Congressdolt Louie Gohmert: Iraq War Was A Mistake Because Obama Has Boner For Our Enemies

Just pump it a few times and we'll get that thought out, 'kay?
Texas congressoaf Louie Gohmert offered a new variation on this week’s popular “Was The Iraq War A Good Idea” theme Tuesday, explaining that if George W. Bush had only known he’d be succeeded by the Very Bad President Barack Obama, he never would have invaded Iraq, because Barack Obama loves ISIS and wants to gay-marry ISIS and have a bunch of ISIS terrorist babies with ISIS. In an interview with rightwing Virginia radio talker John Fredericks, Gohmert explained that ...
  It's gonna be YOOOOOOOOOOOOGE!

President Donald Trump Will Build YOOOGE Gold-Plated Fence To Keep Out Messicans

Here is how Donald Trump will save you, America
Obviously, you are already voting for Donald Trump for president, because he is the bestest, most qualifiedest, most expertest, most EVERYTHINGEST guy who is not running for president but just might this time, maybe, we’ll see! But in case you are some kind of idiot who is not already begging Donald Trump on the Twitters to please save America and the world, with presidenting, his immigration policy — which he unveiled in an interview with David Brody, the Christian ...
  I Saw Mommy Choked By Papa Bear

Now Even Court Transcripts Are Lying About How Bill O’Reilly Maybe Beated Up His Wife

He seems nice.
Just a couple days after the story broke of Bill O’Reilly’s alleged abuse of his ex-wife, Maureen McPhilmy, court transcripts have surfaced that appear to support the allegation that Bill O’Reilly assaulted McPhilmy in front of their daughter several years ago. Gawker ran excepts from the transcripts of the child custody trial in which McPhilmy was recently awarded custody of the couple’s two teenaged children. The transcripts cover the testimony of psychologist ...
  I'll take "false equivalency" for $500 Alex

Ted Cruz Wishes America Would Focus A Little Less On Buttsex, A Little More On ISIS

Definitely nothing sexy on his brain.
America, you have GAY SEX ON THE BRAIN. You are thinking about it right now, in fact! How else can Ted Cruz explain why everybody keeps asking him about things like “gay marriage” and “equality?” It’s obviously because The Liberals (read: everybody to the left of Ted Cruz’s dad and Genghis Khan) are just too busy thinking about guys boning each other to focus on the important stuff, like ISIS: “Is there something about the left — and I am going to ...
  That's not what 'libertarian' means

Rand Paul Thinks States Should Regulate Your Vag, Except For When He Wants To

You can trust him, he's a doctor
The “libertarian” senator from Kentucky does not want to talk about abortion, m’kay? Bitcoins and drones and how we should go back to the 1800s except for that slavery stuff, maybe, and Bill Clinton’s blowjob (totally Hillary’s fault) — that’s all good. Rand Paul loves that stuff. He will trip over his own tongue ALL DAY on that nonsense. But little babbies and whether he wants to save them or kill them dead, in your womb? Nah, man, that’s not ...
  Nobody Said The Law Has To Be Equal Did They?

Prosecutor Says Latino Wife-Beaters Are Cool, As Long As They Beat Their Own Kind

Because there really aren't any funny illustrations for this topic
Back in 2000, Congress did a good thing. It made it possible for undocumented immigrants who were victims of domestic violence to get a special visa — called “U visa” — to encourage victims to come forward and get help. It’s a pretty smart program, except it has one little problem: Local prosecutors decide whether to process the victim’s applications, and some local prosecutors are assholes, like the district attorney for Gaston County, North Carolina, ...
  oh look it's another fuck the poors story

Maine Gov. Paul LePage Will Starve Your Kids, Because You’re Probably A Gross Junkie Anyway

Not sorry your kids are hungry.
So, we know that Maine Gov. Paul LePage is an asshole, and that he likes to do everything he can to fuck the poors. Now, he has come up with a new trick, in the form of Maine LD 1407 , which proscribes a whole new set of hoops to jump through if you want to keep getting welfare or food stamps through the Temporary Assistance for Needy Families (TANF program). Here, have some drug tests! Hope you don’t fail them, otherwise we just might take away your benefits, even if you have kids ...
  An Armed Society is a Bullet-Riddled Society

After Waco Shootout, Know What Texas Needs? More Guns EVERYWHERE!

This is silly. The real Texas vending machines include some revolvers.
On Sunday, Waco, Texas played host to a guns-and-knives ballet performance by the Bandidos and Cossacks motorcycle clubs, leaving 9 dead, 18 injured, and 170 in jail. On Monday, the Texas Senate debated HB 910, a bill that would allow open carry of handguns just about everywhere in the state. Also up for consideration is SB 11, which would allow concealed carry of weapons on college campuses. There is no connection at all between the shootout and the pending legislation, because shut up is ...
  Promise to never do it again

Too Big To Fail Banks Sorry For Scheming To Steal All The Money In The World

While you're down there...
In a story so shocking it’s not shocking at all, news comes today that six of the too-biggest-to-failiest banks in the entire world worked together in secret to control currency prices, for SIX YEARS, and thus enriched themselves in the process. And now they have to pay $5.8 billion in fines, because they are guilty guilty GUILTY. No, really, act surprised: Citicorp, JPMorgan Chase & Co., Barclays Plc and Royal Bank of Scotland Plc agreed to plead guilty to conspiring to ...
  Triumph Of The Wal

Walmart Training Video Will Scare You Away From Evil Mean Unions Forever

Nice minimum wage job you got here. Shame if something was to happen to it.
Here is a terrifying anti-union video, mandatory viewing for all new Walmart employees, and designed to warn the Walmart neophyte away from those scary union organizers who are trying to lure unsuspecting “associates” into their evil schemes. As propaganda, it ain’t no Leni Riefenstahl, but it’s enough to do the trick, we guess. And you’ll hardly even notice that all the Genuine Walmart Associates are standing in front of green screen projections of Walmart ...
  Allegedly

Oh, Did Dumb Josh Duggar Do A Sex Crime When He Was 17, Just Like Jesus?

Dirty sex crimer or just a asshole?
Well, well, well. WELL. Here is a story about Josh the oldest of 19 Kids & CountingTM Duggar that may or may not be true, who knows, but since the Duggars, including Josh, are fond of saying things that are not true, for their various causes (FYI, Charles Darwin did not do the Holocaust with his theory of evolution), seems only fair that we report this story to you, even if it is made up, for the noble and righteous cause of making you vomit even harder at these dumb assholes. According ...
  Oh NOW he gets it

Obamacare-Hating Republican Hates Republicans Now, Loves Obamacare

Not how it works after all
Remember how we told you all about Luis Lang, that idiot in South Carolina, who loves freedom even more than he hates his diabetes, so he did not purchase health insurance, take THAT, Obama? And now he needs surgery, and he can’t afford it, and Obamacare enrollment is closed, and his Republican-controlled state refused to take Obamacare dollars to expand Medicaid for people JUST LIKE HIM, and it’s all Obama’s fault? Of course you do, you liberal do-goody bleeding hearts, ...
  fuck this guy

Louisiana Gov. Bobby Jindal Will Screw The Gays All By Himself, You’ll See

Bless his dumb heart.
On Tuesday, a Fuck The Gays bill, HB 707 — similar to the Religious Freedom Restoration Acts (RFRAs) that passed, and were subsequently “fixed” like common dachschunds, in Indiana and Arkansas — died in a Louisiana House committee in a 10-2 vote. Gov. Bobby Jindal will not stand for this act of gay activist democracy, so he decided that if the House won’t do its duty, to Jesus and America, and pass the bill, he will just write his own version of the bill and ...
  Socialism Nice Time

President Bernie Sanders Will Force Your Kids To Have Free College

Was it over when the Germans bombed Pearl Harbor? Hell no!
Just when we thought we had reached the zenith of our love for Vermont’s proudly socialist Sen. Bernie Sanders, and dead serious Democratic presidential candidate, he comes along and proposes legislation to provide free tuition at public colleges and universities. Just like in civilized countries! The proposal goes well beyond President Obama’s proposal for universal community college tuition, and would revolutionize higher education. Yr Wonkette enthusiastically supports the ...
  Bang Bang My Baby Shot Me Down

NRA To Louisiana: Lady Beaters Are People Too, Should Have All The Guns

People Not To Date, #762 in a series
The National Rifle Association is doing what it does best, making sure that as many people have guns as possible, regardless of insignificant little details like the possibility that they might not be ideal Armed Citizens. Like, for instance, people found guilty of domestic violence. In Louisiana, where it’s already illegal for people convicted of domestic violence against a member of their household to own firearms, the NRA helped gut a bill that would have kept firearms out of the ...
  That'll teach you to be poor

It’s Arizona’s Turn To F*ck The Poors, Again

Jesus was a fiscal conservative
Arizona is all out of money, whoops, so the Republicans who control the state have decided, in their fiscally conservative wisdom, to close the $1 billion budget gap by cutting welfare that the federal government pays for. Good plan, guaranteed to work, no? Low-income families on welfare will now have their benefits cut off after just 12 months. As a result, the Arizona Department of Economic Security will drop at least 1,600 families – including more than 2,700 children – from ...
  Shucks And Aww

Even Crazy Old Pat Robertson Knows Iraq War Was A Mistake, Sorta

Funny, he didn't prophesy that coming
Pat Robertson is just the latest rightwinger to decide that, as of right now, the Iraq War wasn’t such a terrific idea after all. Not that George W. Bush sold us the war based on a pack of lies or anything — he was just misled by the flawed intelligence, don’t you know. But on Tuesday’s episode of the 700 Club, Robertson was pretty clear that the war was a bad idea from the get-go, and everybody knew it (except for how they didn’t know it at the time, of ...
  sup bro?

Toe-Tapping Sen. Larry Craig Liked His Manwhores Butch (No Femmes, No Asians, No Fats)

And then he did it to me like this.
Well, well, well, your favorite former senator, the “Larry Craig” one who liked to teabag you with his “wide stance” in the men’s room at the airport, is back in the news! You remember him. He is the one who was 100 percent certain that the homosexuals were NOT sucking his cock, because he was married, to a lady! And now we know what his Grindr profile would have looked like, if Grindr had existed back when he was the man-sexing, closeted senator from Idaho. ...
  Save The Drilling Rigs Save The World

Fox Host To Grads: Want To Save The World? Go Work For Big Oil

From 'Children's shows we never watched, Volume 3'
It’s Graduation Season, and time for all kinds of inspiring thoughts from Olds to Youngs, mostly aimed at telling the Youngs to not fuck things up as badly as the Olds did. One exception, of course, was Kurt Vonnegut, who reminded graduates at Bennington in 1970 that they couldn’t possibly hope to save the world because they had no money or power: “You don’t even know how to handle dynamite.” But he nonetheless urged them, once they did gain some money and ...