We were pretty excited when Miss Kaili Joy came into the sekrit Wonket chatcave with this totally popular Salon tweet that had been liked by one egg.
Kaili Joy G: should we place bets on what he’s talking about? I haven’t clicked yet
Gary L: the immigration reform bill
Rebecca S: I know! I know!
HE IS SAYING THE MILITARY HAS A RAPE PROBLEM!
The rest of the chatcave did not find this to be a likely answer.
Rich A: I think we are misconstruing the metaphor. My theory is that he’s talking about something God endorses that the American people were totally asking for by wearing a metaphorical push-up bra
Gary L: I’ve told America a million times what will happen if it goes out at night wearing a short skirt and slathering on the makeup like a common trollop
But the real question is: Did Jose Canseco tweet America’s cell phone number?
OK, quick, make your guesses, and we’ll click through, with Egg, after the jump! READ MORE »
There are many wonderful ways to voice your dissent on political issues of the day. You could, for example, put a bumper sticker on your car, which is highly effective. Or you could write a sternly worded letter to the powers that be. Or wave signs. Or put on a funny-looking hat with teabags hanging from it. But you know what is ALL KINDS OF FUCKED UP? Shooting yourself in the head on the altar at Notre Dame (the actual Notre Dame, not that college in the middle of Nowhere, Indiana) because of THE GAYS. That, friends, is ALL KINDS OF FUCKED UP. Unless you’re Madame La le Bigot, in which case, it is a “spectacular” and peachy way to wake up your fellow countrymen to the imminent threat of les gays.
French National Front leader Marine le Pen has saluted the acts of a far-right activist who shot himself dead at Notre Dame. The man had earlier called on his blog for “spectacular action” to protect France’s identity. [...] READ MORE »
Good news everyone — we’ve got a brand new story about Jose Canseco, the pathetic, washed-up, wife-beating, bankrupted pus-sac that hit a gillion home runs, got all his friends to do steroids, then wrote a book tattling on all of them.
The PED trailblazer has also jumped into new ways of abusing women: Moving on from his traditional “ram my wife’s car” maneuver, he’s decided to publically respond to rape allegations (bad idea) on Twitter (even worse) by tweeting his accuser’s name (horrible) and phone number (fucking impossible to get any more awful). READ MORE »
OK, so much for that “nice time” crap. Here’s a happy little children’s book to “sensitively” explain to children, “with love and compassion,” why God gets really, really worked up about whose genitals are allowed to touch, and why such limited touching must only happen inside a heterosexual marriage. It must be an excellent book, because it is endorsed by the American Patriarchy Association — which we suppose explains why, in defiance of American idiom, the book’s title has “Dad and Mom,” instead of “Mom and Dad” the way virtually everyone says it. READ MORE »
Don’t you just hate when this happens? You’re desperately flailing about for years and years, trying to find just the right faux scandal to investigate so you can finally impeach President Obama (calm down, Jason Chaffetz, no, it isn’t time yet). Maybe it will be the fake-but-real birth certificate. Maybe it will be a rumor that he fathered TWO BLACK CHILDREN. Maybe it will be Benghazi, sorry, we mean BENGHAZIIII!!!!1! Maybe it will be how the IRS investimagated groups of radicals who wave their guns around in public, threatening to not pay their taxes and bring down the whole gubmint, before granting them a special “you don’t have to pay taxes because you are SO SPECIAL” waiver, and since the president probably knew about it all along, he must be investimagated and probably also impeached.
But … but what if the Republicans knew about it all along too?
Much has been made of the fact that senior Treasury Department officials were told about the investigation into the treatment of tea party groups in June 2012 – months before last year’s the Presidential election. Republicans who requested the investigation were also told about it at approximately the same time.
Oh MAN. When Rep. Darrell Issa finds out that some of his own knew about this IRS thing since last summer, he is going to be so steaming mad, he’ll just start investigating everyone and then — wait, what? What’s this? READ MORE »
Former halfterm Moose Queen Sarah Palin has some Thoughts, and she has left her dumb ol’ Myface page for the Big League Pixels of Ghost Andrew Breitbart’s Internet Home for Wayward Wig Addicts to bring em at ya! Her thoughts are on the IRS, and how people “live in fear of them.” Sure, we’ll bite!
This IRS scandal is especially terrible because Americans live in fear of the IRS like no other entity because this monstrous bureaucracy has the power to take your hard-earned money. Your wages are the sum of your labors; hence, the IRS has the power to steal the fruits of your labors. Average Americans live in fear of making an error on their tax returns that could cost them massive amounts of money, plus their reputation and good name. If a small business makes a mistake, the IRS can shut them down and send them to jail.
You know, we hate to sound like those police state proponents who say if you’ve done nothing wrong you’ve nothing to fear, but … well. You know.
We do not “live in fear” of the IRS. In fact, not to be a better citizen than you, but not only do we love jury duty, but we don’t even hate paying our taxes! We go to the post office to mail out your Shut the Fuck Up Luke Russert coffee cups, and we brag to Cheryl, the lady there, that we are going to fill like AT LEAST THREE POTHOLES, and she is welcome!
Why might Sarah Palin “live in fear” of the IRS? Let’s do some hypothesizin’, dontchaknow, after the jump! READ MORE »
This week, we met E.W. Jackson, a conservative firebrand and Tea Party favorite who was nominated for Virginia’s lieutenant governorcy by virtue of the fact that the GOP skipped having a primary election this year in favor of letting their hardcore dingbats do it up convention-styley. This is like if California Democrats decided to turn over their nominating process to a meeting of the Oakland Greens, but hey, whatever floats Virginia Republican penises.
In that fun getting-to-know-you, we learned that Bishop Jackson (if you’re nasty) thinks Planned Parenthood is worse for black people than the KKK ever was (which, duh), and that Barack Obama hates Jews because he is black and from Chicago, and as a black person, Bishop Jackson knows just how RACISMIST black people can be! But does Bishop Jackson have other thoughts on race, thoughts which might reveal a not-real-good understanding of stuff? Well, we did say he is a Republican, right? READ MORE »
John McCain is a bit of an odd duck. When he is not yelling at his wife that she is a fucking trollop cuntwhore, he is seething with not-quite-restrained anger at “that one” and pushing ladies into walls and almost punching other old ladies in wheelchairs. WHUT?
But now he is using his fearsome temper for good — he does that sometimes, like we said, weird guy — and calling out the Ted Cruzes and their jerkbaby fellow Tea Senators for refusing to do their fucking goddamn shithead asshole trollop cuntwhore fucking jobs. READ MORE »
Everyone in the online universe has already pointed out that Oklahoma Senator Jim Inhofe (R-Tornado Alley) voted against Hurricane Sandy aid last year but will probably collect sweet sweet government monies for the Oklahoma disaster. (AS WELL HE SHOULD DAMMIT BECAUSE THAT IS WHAT THE GOVERNMENT IS THERE FOR EVEN IF YOUR SENATOR IS A DICK SO SHUT UP ABOUT IT.) We are also perfectly aware that Inhofe is demanding cuts elsewhere in the federal budget to offset any aid Oklahoma might get. These are bad things! We know! But right now we don’t care because what we’d REALLY like to talk about is just how deeply weird Inhofe is about global warming. Indeed, he’s weird enough to often out-freep the Freepers, which is kind of a feat. So, without further adieu, we bring you QUIZ TIME! Sharpen your Number 2 pencils! Sharpen your brains you lazy fuckers! It’s time for WHO SAID IT? Inhofe or Freepers? No fair googling first!! No looking at your neighbor’s paper! Ready? Let’s do the damn thing. READ MORE »
Recently, there has been lots of Nice Time! for our LGBT sisters and brothers. But hey, this kind of momentum can’t go on forever, and who better to put a stop to it than the House GOP Senate GOP Democratic Senators from red blue states. Wait, what? Are you fucking kidding?
Our latest group of yellow-bellied, weasel-faced, backstabbing pieces of rat poop occupy four seats on the Judiciary Committee, where Sen. Leahy decided against offering his amendment to protect same-sex couples in the immigration reform bill because he didn’t have the support from his OWN GODDAM PARTY. This is basically like slapping the LGBT community in the face with Michelle Malkin’s sweaty nutsack.
Who are these four spineless fucknuggets?
Senators Al Franken, Dianne Feinstein, Dick Durbin, and Chuck Schumer are the backbone-missing goat-blowers who decided to bow down to the altar of Republican bigotry and offer up the LGBT community as their sacrifices to expediency.
READ MORE »
An atheist state legislator opened Tuesday afternoon’s session of the Arizona House of Representatives with an invocation in which he asked his colleagues to not bow their heads, referred to his secular humanist beliefs, and quoted Carl Sagan. Miraculously, no one shouted “You lie!” or even walked out in response to the invocation by state Rep. Juan Mendez, a Tempe Democrat elected in 2012. For that matter, we have not yet been able to find any examples online of wingnuts citing Mendez’s invocation as proof that America is over, although we suspect this may change as the story hits the wire services. So for the moment, let’s just enjoy the awesomeness of what Mendez had to say … but yeah, we’re keeping an eye on Bryan Fischer’s Twitter, too. READ MORE »
Kentucky Democrats, you are awesomesauce. You are respresented by Mitch McConnell, who was the least popular senator in the country until Arizona Senator Jeff Flake stepped on his “friend” Gabby Gifford’s shattered skull to vote against background checks at gun shows, whoops. And yet, when faced with what could possibly be a winnable race, you a) get super ching-chong-chinaman-racist on Mitch McConnell’s Taiwan-born wife, b) do some bullshit eavesdropping that bites you in your fat Kentucky ass, and c) when the Big Hollywood Gaia-worshipper who’s always jawing on about the Patriarchy decides not to run you go courting … a former Miss America with no political experience except being married to a guy who was in politics until he was convicted like 50 times of 50 different things, including defrauding Medicaid like he was Rick Scott or something. Also, she killed someone. READ MORE »
Ah, wonderful. We have now reached the stage, after a natural — or maybe not-so-natural — disaster when certifiably insane people who for some reason have radio shows instead of padded cells explain that the G men in unmarked helicopters did that tornado to Oklahoma. Sure, it might have been nature — or maybe it was God punishing the homosexicans again, since he’s always all, like, “I am going to rain and wind on you, humans, because you won’t stop having buttsex!” — but Alex Jones, who has previously warned us that tip lines are JUST LIKE HITLER, so you know he’s not at all bugfuck crazy, knows what really happened maybe wink wink:
While he explained that “natural tornadoes” do exist and that he’s not sure if a government “weather weapon” was involved in the Oklahoma disaster, Jones warned nonetheless that the government “can create and steer groups of tornadoes.” READ MORE »
For someone who spends the day sitting at a computer with NPR playing in the background, Yr Doktor Zoom doesn’t actually use many NPR stories as the starting point for his Wonkets. Today, an exception: We heard this thing on the radio t’other day and knew we would have to write about it, because A) Watergate and B) Video game (video game stories have been good to us), not to mention C) “Timothy Leary shows up with drugs and you get in a fistfight with Nixon.” Wonkers of all ages, regardless of whether you even like video games, with their gratuitous violence and furries, you owe it to yourself to try “Watergate: The Videogame,” which can be played online free for nothing, requires no downloading, and if you get stuck some goofballs have even made a walkthrough already. (A “walkthrough” is a thing for videogames that helps you differentiate your ass from a hole in the ground, for example “Carl Bernstein” was Bob Woodward’s “walkthrough.”) READ MORE »
Spackle-brained dick weasel Sen. James Inhofe is bad at so many, many things. He does not understand legally defined standards of treatment for prisoners of war. He thinks he understands science better than actual scientists. He is even a shitty pilot. In fact, the only marketable skill James Inhofe possesses is his innate ability to be a spackle-brained dick weasel. Luckily for him that there exists a job for which this skill is a feature and not a bug: United States senator!
Yesterday a corner of Inhofe’s home state got flattened like an anthill stomped by a hyperactive five-year-old. Most humans who viewed the footage were moved to tears or anger or tears of anger. Inhofe’s colleague Tom Coburn, no slouch himself in the spackle-brained dick weasel department, was moved as well … right to the nearest television camera, where he stated that he would be happy to ask the federal government for financial help in cleaning up and rebuilding, just so long as Congress found some budget “offsets” elsewhere. So the folks in Oklahoma can have some help after this terrible tragedy so long as some other folks in Florida or Arkansas or New York agree to go without food or medical care for a while. This argle bargle was followed by a collective BANG! as if millions of heads struck millions of desks at the exact same moment. Then everyone started reminding Coburn and Inhofe about their votes against the Hurricane Sandy relief bill last year, which made them look like heartless skinsacks.
Today Inhofe went on the TV box himself, where a news anchor asked him if maybe he wasn’t being a tiny bit hypocritical in demanding federal aid for Oklahoma after denying it to New Jersey. That was when we learned that James Inhofe, in addition to having a hypocritical streak wider than Ari Fleischer’s forehead, also sucks at geography (or knowledge of any kind really): READ MORE »