Oh Good, Now All The People Want To Put The Tiny Brown Babies In Baby Jail

  On the count of three everyone panic
Nothing to fear except EVERYTHING
File this under No One Could Have Predicted: While members of Congress are on summer vacation, holding town halls so they can pretend to give a damn about what their constituents have to say, it seems some of those constituents are a tad miffed about this whole BORDER CRISIS!!!!! situation and ...

Politico Reporter: Kirsten Gillibrand Is a Lying Liar, Since No Man in Congress Has Ever Been Sexist

  world's most deliberative bodies
k to the g
On Wednesday, the New York Post published tidbits of what promises to be an entertaining and depressing new interview with Sen. Kirsten Gillibrand in which she describes being called “fat” and told to work out more since she was getting “porky” by older male colleagues ...

Jon Stewart Warns ISIS: The Ultimate Terror Lies Ahead, And It Is Bureaucracy (Video)

  clipbait
Shazam!
Jon Stewart has this helpful tip for revolutionary Islamist groups: “First rule of Evil: Try not to have your acronym remind people of ’70s live action children’s television shows.” But who are these guys, anyway? If you listen to cable news, they’re pure evil, ...

Hello Kitty Is Not A Cat, Sorry ‘Bout That Nazi Pasta, And Other News You Can Maybe Use

  Your morning cup of wut?
Who needs more coffee? And donuts? You, you over there, you were supposed to bring the donuts. BREAKING!!! Stop the presses (or the pixels, whatever): Hello Kitty is not a cat. She’s a cartoon character. She is a little girl. She is a friend. But she is not a cat. She’s never ...

Pennsylvania Gov Wants To Make It Easier For The Ladies To Buy Booze And Make Him Some Sammiches

  Another edition of excellence in GOP lady outreach
Hey ladies! GOP wants you to run for Congress!
So this is a little awkward. Pennsylvania Gov. Tom Corbett (R-Obviously, As You Shall See) has a swell idea to reach out to the ladies, because we all know how great Republicans are at that. (That’s sarcasm. Lots of sarcasm. ALL THE SARCASM.) “I think a lot of people want to be able ...

Ben Stein: But Didn’t You See Michael Brown Was BLACK?

  Intellectual Powerhouse Of The Right
Michael Brown was Bruce Lee, too
In a very important Newsmax interview that we won’t see a red cent out of your clicking on, former game show host and one-memorable-role actor Ben Stein courageously took on the myth that Michael Brown was an “unarmed teen,” because, as he told interviewer Steve Malzberg, ...

Bill Kristol Just Wishes We Could Bomb Somebody And See How It Works Out

  There'll Be No One Left To Blame Us
Help him!
“Help him, help him,” Bill Kristol was sobbing. “Help him, help him.” “Help who? Help who?” Yossarian called back. “Help who?” “The bombardier, the bombardier,” Kristol cried. “He doesn’t answer. Help the bombardier, help ...

Nine-Year-Old Girl With Uzi, F*ck You America

  No Need For Gun Skills!
Kid With Gun, Bernard Dumaine, 2012
In News of Responsible Gun Owners today, we have the story of some loving parents who know that you can never start too soon when it comes to putting firearms into the hands of your tykes. Sure, maybe in the olden times you might give your kid a .22 rifle so that they can become accustomed to ...

Fox News Demands Putin Replace Pansy Dictator Obama, But Just For A Sexy Hot Minute

  everybody freak out!
Good Lord, the adult diaper budget for the on-air personalities at Fox News must dwarf the GDP of your average mid-sized nation. Maybe Fox is even a front group for Depends the way the NRA is a front for gun manufacturers. Or maybe we just need a rational explanation for this insane clip of ...

BRB Throwing All The Money At Awesome AZ Congressional Candidate James Woods

  We love this guy and you will too
We need this guy in Congress
Are you ready to fall in love? Get yourselves good and ready, because we’d like to introduce you to your new favorite congressional candidate crush, James Woods. No, not the jerkface actor. This James Woods, the genuinely progressive Democrat who is running for Arizona’s 5th ...

Beverly Hills Would Like Successful Black American Film Producers To Please Stop Robbing All The Banks

  didn't they teach you that in cop school?
Let’s say you are a successful, film-producer MBA kind of guy. (Just go with it. We are “imagining.”) You are in Beverly Hills, as your kind of people is wont to be, and you’re going to go get your Emmy party on. But dammit, you forgot not to be black! Well, the Beverly ...

Wingnuts Will Save You Poor Jews From Getting Pogromed By Metropolitan Opera

  Why Can't Toby Keith Perform At The Met Instead?
Why can't more operas be about American Exceptionalism?
Time for an Arts Update! The editor of Superpatriot and disgraced torture aficionado Allen West’s blog is so mad at the Metropolitan Opera that she’s just about ready to go to New York’s Lincoln Center and stage a mock execution of the artistic director. You see, the monsters ...

ESPN Has Serious Questions About Who Showers With Michael Sam (Who Is GAY)

  Towel Snapping Details To Follow
George Bellows, 'The Shower Bath,' 1917
F’ball Season is almost upon us again, and so ESPN’s SportCenter sent reporter Josina Anderson to the Rams training camp — which unaccountably is not in Los Angeles! — to get the skinny on how Michael Sam (who is GAY) is adjusting to the pro game after college and how ...

Jon Stewart Returns, Fixes Ferguson And Everything Else (Video)

  clipbait
As we’ve noted before, Jon Stewart should not be allowed to go on vacation, ever. During his late-June break, ISIS took over a huge chunk of Iraq, the House sued the president, and Israel went to war in Gaza (again). And two days into Stewart’s most recent summer hiatus, Michael ...

Sheriff Joe Arpaio Allegedly Allows Chinese Hacker To Steal America’s Coolest Secrets

  From China With Love
CRUSH
Sheriff Joe Arpaio (seen here crushing the testicles of an invisible immigrant) allegedly, we said allegedly, failed to report an alleged Chinese spy who infiltrated the Arizona Counter Terrorism [sic; seriously, Arizona, buy an AP style book] Information Center. That’s according to ...

Mitt Romney Is STILL Never Going To Be President, Pot Saves Lives, And Other News You Can Maybe Use

  Your morning cup of wut?
It is a day. Of the week. Here is some news: Mitt Romney gave an interview to Hugh Hewitt. He promised really a lot that he is not going to try to not be president for a third time, really, he swears, unless the entire Republican Party that never liked him begs him to run and lose again, pretty ...

Florida Marine Gets A Beating For Sassing Back To A Cop

  The Beat Generation
Why were you resisting? Why?
Here’s another reason why so many Americans love those who are dedicated to protecting and serving their community. Last December, Marine Corps Corporal Curtis Shannon got himself a good beating for his refusal to roll down his car window all the way when confronted by an increasingly ...

Grifty Gov. Bob McDonnell Hanging Out In Gay Priest’s Rectory

  virginia is for gay catholic lovers
How much do we love the Bob McDonnell grift trial, currently underway in Richmond, Virginia, for giving us a break from August’s unrelentingly bad news? So very, very much. Thank you, Bob and Maureen McDonnell! We would even consider voting for you in the future, if you had any prayer of ...

Steve Stockman Seeks ‘Smart’ Intern Who Loves America And Babbies, Hates Granola And Islamics

  Applicant must provide own windup monkey
Your sign sounds too whiny. NEXT!
Hey, young political junkies! Are you looking for a chance to make a difference, or at least make a lot of copies and coffee? Maybe you should apply for a Congressional internship! And here’s one that sounds real darn fun: Texas Representative- 08/25/2014 The House’s most unique and ...

Megyn Kelly Learns Bill O’Reilly A Thing Or Two About White Privilege, Santa Claus

  And The Kids Just Don't Understand
We liked the Dodge Challenger in that show
9:00 PM, Channel 433 (HD): THE MOD SQUAD (1971): A brash younger member of the force (Megyn Kelly) explains the frustrations of the black underclass to a skeptical police Captain (Bill O’Reilly) whose traditionalist views blind him to the situation on the ground. Guest appearances by Huey ...

Thanks For Making Us Equal, Men. XOXO, The Ladies

  #RIPpatriarchy
Thank god that's all behind us now!
Hey, ladies, how are you celebrating Women’s Equality Day? Shopping? Painting your nails with “I’ve Been Roofied Red“? Wondering what the heck is Women’s Equality Day? Here, let’s have President Obama mansplain it for us: On August 26, 1920, the 19th ...

Old Handsome Joe Biden Will Work For You Baby (And Work You, And Work You) Until You Succumb

  Are You Gonna Be His Girl?
Well, here is an afternoon Joe Biden Treat! Watch what happens when a woman refuses to succumb to Joe Biden’s charms because of how she is literally 108 years old, and not like Joe Biden means “literally.” Has any man ever been so constant in his attention, so single-minded in ...