Trust Me: I Suck!

NFL’s Roger Goodell Is Useless Goober, Has Better Job Than You

At least he's sorry
NFL President Roger Goodell held a press conference today in which he apologized for being a completely worthless crapbird in his handling of the league’s multiple problems with players who have committed domestic violence and child abuse. He insisted that he holds himself to the highest ...
  time to ramble on

Peggy Noonan Would Like Another Tincture Of Opium Please

And she never washed her hand again.
Ah, fall in New York City! There is a chill in the air, a nip that can invigorate the soul as one sits in a favorite saloon, sipping a mug of one’s favorite whiskey fortified with a generous dollop of coffee, if one is so inclined to while away an afternoon in this fashion. An afternoon leading ...
  we left our liver in san francisco

Pix Or GTFO: San Francisco Wonkers Throwing Up On Their Shoes Probably

Or maybe that was just me. Just kidding, I did not throw up on my shoes. OR DID I? Portland, time to beat your liver into submission TOMORROW, SATURDAY, at Base Camp Brewing. We don’t know, you’re on the Internet, look it up. Then Sat., Sept. 27, we will be at the Rhino Room in ...
  Deepest Sympathies For Your Being Black

Alabama Governor Consoles Family Of Murdered 8-Year-Old Black Girl By Suggesting Their Dysfunction Killed Her (Updated)

May this face haunt Robert Benchley's dreams forever
UPDATE: A spokeswoman for Gov. Bentley has offered an explanation; see end of post. Hiawayi Robinson, of Pritchard, Alabama, a small city on the north side of Mobile, was looking forward to turning nine years old next week. On Tuesday, Hiawayi had talked to her father on the phone about what ...
  It Gets Stupider

Wingnuts Fight For Sacred Right To Keep Bullying Gays, Who Aren’t Real Anyway

Actual result of anti-bullying laws
Here’s a very nice thing that grew out of a very ugly thing, and a very ugly thing in reaction to it: Minnesota’s got a new “Safe and Supportive Schools Act” aimed at combatting bullying and making schools safe and supportive, don’t you know, for LGBT young people. ...
  Like Todd Starnes Has Ever Seen A Big Condom

Fox’s Todd Starnes Exposes Big Condom-Public School Industrial Complex

Invading a middle school near you title=
Can’t get enough dick? We can never get enough dick — news about dicks, politicians being dicks, anonymous airport dick, and sometimes dicks talking about dick-things. Enter Todd Starnes, Fox News comment-spewer and host of the physical embodiment of all the worst insinuations of the word ...
  'Red Asphalt' Never Covered This

Idiot Idaho Teen Rolls SUV When Idiot Friend Lights Armpit Hair On Fire

S-M-R-T
In what we fear could be the start of a trend, a Boise teenager who is definitely not Kid Zoom or any of his friends crashed a Ford Bronco Sunday after his 16-year-old front seat passenger reached over and set the driver’s armpit hair on fire with a lighter. This sounds like the sort of ...
  Kobach/Roberts 2016

Lefty Kansas Judicial Activists Join Corrupt Democratic Plan To Win Senate Race

The left-wing loons on the Kansas Supreme Court ruled on Thursday that Democratic gadabout Chadwick J. Taylor should be allowed to withdraw from the state’s three-way U.S. Senate race. Taylor, suffering from acute Democrat Humility Syndrome, was cruelly bullied by Harry Reid and his ...
  If It's Nae Scottish Independence It's Crap!

Plucky Haggis-Eating Highlanders Decide ‘There Can Be Only One!’

By the look on your face I can tell you like the pipes, wee laddie
Scottish voters turned down a referendum on independence from Britain yesterday, leading bloggers everywhere to brace for a slew of angry emails about how they didn’t use “England” or “United Kingdom” or “Great Sceptered Lizard Queen Realm Of God’s Own ...
  clipbait

Jon Stewart: F-ck You, Shakespeare, F-ck You. (Video)

Really, who *hasn't* wanted to yell 'Fuck you, Shakepeare!' at one time or another?
Like Yr Wonkette, Jon Stewart has a soft spot for Old Handsome Joe Biden, that loveable cutup and advocate for victims of domestic violence. But golly, OHJB can put his foot in it, can’t he? Like how he referred to bankers who foreclosed on homes during the financial crisis as ...
  Here have some news n stuff

Your Penis Evolved To Pleasure The Females. It’s Science.

Oh, just EVERYTHING
We have f-bombs, stolen cars, everlasting love, and not just SCIENCE!, but sexytime SCIENCE! Smart vaginas? Penis bones? Oh yeah, you know you want to learn about that. So get out of bed, sleepyhead, and pour yourself a cuppa, because do we ever have some news you can maybe use for you? Yes. ...
  Come get your drink on

Come Drink All The Beers Tonight At Your Wonkette Drinky Thing, San Francisco

Are you going to drink in San Francisco?
Hi, San Francisco and eleventeen surrounding counties, what are you doing right now? You are counting down the minutes until it is Drinky Thing O’Clock TONIGHT, aren’t you? Yes, yes you ARE. Because that is happening tonight, at 6 p.m.-ish or so, at The Sycamore, and you will be ...
  Heroes of the American West

Cliven Bundy Gets Sued, Hides Behind Skirt Of Big Government

Bundy's cows have an important message.
Ho ho, Cliven Bundy, you fat sack of mooching crap! What shenanigans are you and your family of freedom-loving cutlery enthusiasts getting up to now? Applying for jobs as lecturers in African-American Studies at schools in wingnut-heavy districts? Threatening to tear off Harry Reid’s ...
  With Crackers We Go Backerds

Kentucky Jew-Hater For Senate Will Save First Amendment With Rhymes (Updated)

With Kooks We Pukes
Meet Robert Ransdell, white supremacist, former organizer for the National Alliance, and write-in candidate for U.S. Senate. He has no illusions that he’ll replace Mitch McConnell, but he’s running anyway to garner attention for his very important message: “With Jews We ...
  nice time!

All The Lady-Americans Are Saving Money On Slut Pills, Thanks Obama!

Best news of the day
Hooray, woot, yessssssss, #winning, and other celebratory expressions of joy. Here’s some good news, which we all need right about now, don’t we? According to a new study by the Guttmacher Institute (you can read the full study here, if you’re that kind of full-study-reading ...
  Daddy You Bastard I'm Through

Sean Hannity Acts Out S/M Fantasies On Live Television

strop that misbehavior
Sean Hannity has some intriguing ideas about the world, but we’re pretty sure we don’t wish to subscribe to his newsletter. If it’s possible for him to go even more off the rails, this was the week that it happened. Tuesday, on his radio show, he explained that charging Adrian ...
  Too Darn Hot

Congress Idiot Explains Global Warming’s Just A Scam To Make Scientists Rich

t's getting Hoth in herre, so take off every ZIG
You sort of have to admire Indiana congresslackwit Larry Bucshon for being an out and out global warming denier, since so many of his more sophistimacated Republican colleagues have decided to avoid the question with the “I’m not a scientist” dodge. No such shilly-shallying ...
  Hot parenting tips that don't work

CNN’s Don Lemon: We Should Beat Our Kids Because It Worked For Slave Masters

Nope
Sure, slavery might have had its downsides, but CNN anchor Don Lemon is pretty sure there’s at least one valuable lesson to be learned: how to effectively discipline your slaves children to instill the appropriate amount of terror so they’ll know “who’s in ...
  Oh no. Not again

Jesus We Are Sick Of Football: Your Daily Review

Not even going to add a pony in there, goddammit.
Would someone in Washington — preferably a senator, but a high-ranking House member would be OK — PLEASE get caught doing consensual sexxytime with someone who isn’t their spouse, preferably in the middle of K Street? We have had just about as much of these goddamned NFL ...
  history korner

White Hero Republican Would Like Credit For Not Being Racist Monster In 1898, Thanks

Thom Tillis wasn't even there
Stern schoolmarm Thom Tillis – who would very much like to be your next senator, North Carolina, please and thank you – had a chance a few years ago to be a decent and generous human being on the issue of our country’s terrible history of race relations. All he had to do was let the North ...
  Your ego is writing checks your soul can't cash

Air Force Dishonorably Discharges God

Whenever we have another awful natural disaster that wreaks havoc on America and kills folks, Bible-humpers will have a ready excuse on hand. Climate change? Hahaha, don’t be naive, you moron. Airmen who enlist or reenlist in the United States Air Force will no longer have to say the phrase “so ...
  clipbait

Jon Stewart Beats The Crap Out Of The NFL, Risks Two-Game Suspension (Video)

Exculpatory is such a great word
Jon Stewart went after the NFL’s spate of domestic abuse scandals Wednesday, reviewing the league’s initially lax treatment of Ray Rice and Greg Hardy, followed by indefinite suspensions — but only after public outrage at the mild penalties. “It’s the kind of firm ...