Your morning cup of wut?

This 9/11 Story Will Make You Cry In The Good Way And Other News You Can Maybe Use

Wake up, Wonketeers, the weekend’s over. Back to the stone what we grind, with some awwwwwwwww news, awful news, and yup, SCIENCE! It’s not often you read a story about 9/11 and cry happy tears and thank whomever it is you thank when you are grateful that this story has a happy ...
  But Still More ISIS Than You Want

Sunday Bloody NYT Sunday: Kinetic Action, Dead Saints, And Less ISIS Than You Might Think

In this alternate universe, the Sunday NYT has a comics section
Good morning, ye Wonkers! Today’s top story is that Yr Doktor Zoom is once again breathing through both nostrils. You may have thought that ISIS or Syria or sportsball scandals or something was big, but that is merely because you Lack Perspective. Sadly, your Sunday New York Times has ...
  We Watch So You Don't Have To

The Sarah Palin Fartknocker Report: Two Jews Walk Into Wasilla

The Sarah Palin Fartknocker Report, Presented by Fartknocker
“So Todd just comes beepin’ up — be-boppin’ on up stairs, right? Um…interrupted me a little bit…and he says, ‘Hey, Sarah, there’s these two really nice guys from New Jersey, they’re in the dri–.’ C’mere, Todd!” And ...
  the plane! the plane!

Dead Children And A Deadbeat Dad: Mark Sanford’s Sad, Sleazy Divorce Hearing Transcript (EXCLUSIVE, FOR REAL)

Nice
For real Wonkette exclusive must credit Wonket: In a post-divorce family court hearing transcript obtained by Wonkette, we learn even more sordid details about South Carolina Rep. Mark Sanford and his divorce from ex-wife Jenny, including: That Mark was a deadbeat dad who was found in contempt ...
  These Textbooks Sound Awfully Familiar

New Texas Schoolbooks: Moses Wrote The Constitution For Slavery, Segregation

It is a right, actually. Not an excuse, however.
Well here’s a heck of a surprise! You may remember how Texas re-wrote its standards for history books back in 2010, to make sure that kids learned the important parts of history, like who Phyllis Schlafly is and how the Constitution was inspired by the Bible, while downplaying the ...
  fa-fa-fa-fa-fashion

What To Wear To Your Late Summer Brawl: The Palin Family’s Fashion Do’s!

Late summer. The perfect time to crash a birthday party, punch the host in the face multiple times, and shriek obscenities at all and sundry. But WHAT TO WEAR? If you are Sarah Palin, the answer is “platform shoes with American flags on them.” You guys, I think I just got hard. ...
  Reality TV Recap

What You Missed On Too Many Kids And We’ve Stopped Counting

They eat food -- just like us!
Our friends at Happy Nice Time People are watching 19 Kids & Counting so we don’t have to. (We and our livers thank you, friends at Happy Nice Time People.) And how many KidsTM popped out of Momma Duggar’s body, for God and America, this week? Let’s find out: Episode 2 ...
  The end of the affair

Mark Sanford Leaves The Appalachian Trail; Also, That Chick He Was Banging

Here’s a great way to round out the week: A trillion-word Ode To My Sorrowful Self by our favorite trail-hiking-enthusiast-slash-lovah, the dishonorable Rep. Mark Sanford (R-”Appalachia”). I apologize for the length of this post, but given the gravity of the issue at hand when ...
  Fingering the Perp

George Zimmerman Waving His Penis Substitute Around Again, Because It Is A Day

Don't make George Zimmerman ask you twice.
Well well well, look who else is hoppin’ aboard the “Do You Know Who I Am?” Express! First it was Sarah Palin, and now it’s Neighborhood Watch aspirant George Zimmerman. What do you s’pose Georgy Porgy is up to these days? Guarding more gun stores? Tweeting out ...
  Juneau about this fight? No but Alaska!

Palins Scalp Witness To Their Epic Snowbilly Battle As First Sort Of Reported By Your Wonkette

Important updates are flying in left and right regarding the big Anchorage birthday party dust-up involving America’s favorite hillbilly family that doesn’t count a child named Honey Boo Boo among its ranks. (Which, when we think about it, is kind of surprising.) We are speaking, of course, of ...
  The Definition of Insanity

Won’t You Help Republicans In The Senate Get Their Chance To Repeal Obamacare, America?

Sen. Rob Portman (R-Iron Man) is always surprising us! He displayed stunning acting range playing Barack Obama in debate prep for two generations of GOP presidential contenders, he suddenly contracted human empathy for the gays last year after he found out his son was one of them, and now ...
  We do not accept also too

Sarah Palin Apologizes To America, Finally

Kiss it.
Sarah Palin made an appearance on Sean Hannity’s TV Funhouse for Aggrieved White Men last night to do something she should have done a long time ago. She was brought on the show to discuss the finer points of American foreign policy as it relates to the Islamic State, which is right up ...
  are you going to san francisco?

We’re Always Drunk In San Francisco: Your Wonkette Drinky Thing Great Northwest Great World Tour

classic wonker
Hey Wonkcats and kittens! A gentle reminder that we will be buying you drinks (or you will be buying us drinks? WHO CAN KNOW?) in San Francisco, this coming Thursday, just six little short days from today! We shall meet, as is our wont, at the Sycamore, which is in the Mission and thus ...
  Senator Wingnut

John McCain Hearts James O’Keefe, Osama Bin Laden

douche
On Wednesday, the Senate’s Homeland Security Committee held hearings about possible terrorist infiltration of the nation’s southern border. This gave lifelike waxworks statue Sen. John McCain (R-Dang Fence) a chance to cite the spectacular work of “journalist” James O’Keefe in exposing the lack ...
  She knows some things about The Islam

Michele Bachmann Would Like Obama To Stop Shoving Religion Down America’s Throat

The president sure has choot-spa
It is such a tragedy that Rep. Michele Bachmann will soon be retired from Congress and no longer around to edutain all of us, especially President Obama, who doesn’t know anything about anything on all of the world’s religions. Unlike Michele, who is A Expert. And not just on her ...
  It's not a truck

Let’s All Point And Laugh At Ancient Congressman Saying Sexting

Can we get a Drudge Siren for this?
Aren’t olds so the funniest, with their not understanding kids these days doing fancy things on their iStuff? Ha ha HA, let’s guffaw so hard at them and how they do not keep up with the latest thing that is the latest thing because OLD. We all remember laughing at Sen. Uncle Ted ...
  From the Producers of Naked and Afraid

Senators Survive Stupid Reality TV Show, Don’t Even Kill Each Other

Most members of Congress use their long August recess to get back home and load up on their favorite regional food that no one can make the right way in DC, while being photographed appearing to reconnect with voters. Added bonus: They get to escape the swamptacular weather in America’s ...
  This is EXCELLENT news for you know who

Here’s Why John McCain Is On Your TV Every Day

Fuck this guy
John McCain is on cable news and Sunday morning talk shows more than anyone in the history of being on television, and sure, we’ve guessed it’s because bookers at every single news channel cannot be bothered to ask Google for the name and number of anyone else in America. But now, ...
  clipbait

The Daily Show: Nurse’s Job Killed To Death By Obamacare (Video)

Obamacare FAIL not so FAIL actually
The Daily Show’s Jordan Klepper investigates the Obamacare Apocalypse and what went wrong with everything that’s supposedly going wrong but somehow isn’t. Weird! He manages to find one nurse who says she lost her job because of Obamacare — except she’s really happy about ...
  Your morning cup of wut?

Omar Comin, Shark-eating Dinosaurs And Other News You Can Maybe Use

Oh indeed
It is Friday. Fi-NA-lly. How’s about we kick back and take it easy with some light easy reading? So this is basically AWESOME:Welcome and thank you and awwwww yeah to the newest ACLU Ambassador: Michael Kenneth Williams is the ACLU celebrity ambassador for ending mass incarceration. ...
  Derp Alert

Pat Robertson Is A F***ing Waste of Space: Lesbian Edition

Pat Robertson decided to open his frothy mouthhole and spew terrible advice to lonely self-hating shut-ins who still watch The 700 Club. On tap this time was a mother worried because her 21-year old daughter is a murderer rapist heathen Methodist LESBIAN!! What’s more, the parents had no ...
  Everyone feel sad now ok that's enough

Go Screw, Dumb Gay New York St. Pat’s Day Parade, The Catholic League Is Pulling Out Of You

Catholic League: 0, The Gays: All the points
We were afraid this might happen. The Catholic League, aka this one very lonely sad guy named Bill Donohue who devotes all 27 hours a day every day thinking about The Gay but in a not gay way, has spent the last year evil-scheming an evil scheme to punish The Gays, ever since they hijacked ...