Hello New Hampshire! Y'all done voting early and often for the guy or the other guy or the lady guy or the other lady guy or that punchy-faced pouty-assed Canadian? Oh, probably not him.

Cool. We…

Yeah, HE'S the idiot

Oooh, that devilish Obama! New Hampshiritiantonians are holding their FIRST!!!!1! in the nation primary right now — like, right now now — and the president refuses to tell the American people The Truth about just how he and his…

We're only doing this to get your attention

How incompetent is Paul LePage, the racist Hefty bag of bile and moose leavings who's somehow won two terms as Maine's governor? Apart from being so blessedly stupid that he mistakenly allowed a bunch…

Oh good, more opinions from this guy.

It is a day, which means somewhere in the recent past, or maybe right this second if he's awake, NRA board member Ted Nugent has been spotted doing public bigotry of some sort. Now,…

Everyone knows the best part of having a lovers' quarrel is the making up. Whether the tiff is about whose turn it is to empty the dishwasher, or why Ted Cruz is a lying…

Wonkette Business

Last week, we got a nice note full of nonsense from a lawyer at Universal who claimed that our Bernie For The Future shirt, in which the role of Doc Brown is portrayed by…

Is that gorgeous unit a penis pump for YOUR UNIT? Why yes, it is!

Oh hi, Wonkers. We are aroused to tell you about some product offerings from one of our new friends, L.A. Pump. Yes, they are penis pumps and pussy pumps and clit pumps, and we…

You saved so much money last year by not donating to any of the assorted bigot pizzas, and bigot florists, and bigot bigots. It is time for you to spend that money on YOU,…

Elections Of US America Election: The Game

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It's because she smiles too much, that's why.

Carly Fiorina is not having the best year of her life, what with being such an enormous liar who can't even make it onto real GOP debate stages, owing to how nobody likes her….

Poor David Brooks. Spiraling ever downward into his midlife crisis, which for some reason he is paid to liveblog weekly at the New York Times, he inflicts upon us once more his struggle to…

Freedom fighter

Oh god, we were under the impression the Oregon standoff story was over, and everybody was dead or in jail now, and we could go back to ignoring how there are loud morons out…

It's been way too long since we've had the opportunity to check in on the adventures of Florida Man. Happily, he's back.

There's just no more clever way to say this: a dude in Royal Palm…

Caramba!

In Manchester, New Hampshire, Monday night, Donald Trump continued an unbroken string of getting away with crap that would have sunk any other campaign in history, enthusiastically repeating a supporter's shout that Ted Cruz…

Mayor Bloomberg

You've probably been wondering if former mayor of New York Michael Bloomberg has found himself a new gig yet. Which is really stupid of you, because he has so many dozens of billions of dollars,…

Donald Trump with his First Lady AKA his daughter.

Guys, hot off the presses and BREAKING! and all of that stuff. The final Iowa caucus results have been released, by Donald Trump's brain, and it turns out Ted Cruz did NOT win. Turns…

Hey, remember when that nice lawyer cease and desisted our most excellent Bernie Sanders For The Future T-shirts, because of how some (dumb) people might get a confuse? Well, this is your honest to…

He is very excited about his new job!

Sen. John McCain has some stern words for you Republican presidential candidates who had yourselves a grand ol' party time on Saturday night, debating whether waterboarding is torture (it is), whether we should do…

— Shaskeen's Pub, Manchester, New Hampshire. We have driven through fucking February New Hampshire, and may see a rally of Trumpenfolk tonight — or we might hide because that shit's got a tendency to…

Quintonio LeGrier, 19, and Bettie Jones, 55

In a move that's certain to help improve relations between police and the populations they keep in line safe, a Chicago cop is suing the estate of Quintonio LaGrier, the 19-year-old he shot to…

You know, one of the biggest problems with having Sam Brownback as governor of Kansas is that his endless evisceration of government funding means that we have to find newer and better ways to…

This is what Ted Cruz looks like when he begs for money.

Uh oh, Ted Cruz is doing dirty tricks again! (No, he's not still saying Ben Carson died in an Iowa cornfield or whatever. He apologized for that at Saturday's debate.) Now the Cruz campaign…

Can't you see how she's dividing America right here?

Sunday's Pepsi Super Bowl 50 Halftime Show at Levi's Stadium in Facebook, California, was tinged with controversy. In an astonishing move, the NFL chose Coldplay to headline as an obvious diversity hire. Some more…

Jeb Bush is mad about a thing. Whatcha mad about this time, J.E.B. Jeb? The usual? Yep:
He’s angry at Marco Rubio, thoroughly disgusted with Donald Trump, aggravated with the grubby, profane, uncivil tone of…

Welcome back to Off The Menu, where we bring you the best and strangest food stories from my email inbox. Today, we've got one of the classics: stories of fantastically dumb restaurant customers. As…

Look. We know that the very essence of the anti-choice movement is based on just stone cold lying to women, legislatures, courts, whatever. From telling people that AIDS can get through condoms to informing abortion-having…

Never should have installed that Romney2012 emulator

You may have missed it in all the excitement over that thrilling sportsball contest where the team with the one bunch of guys beat the team with the other bunch of guys, and there…

Totally not fair. Princess Sunbutt is white, and many of her best pals are pastel.

Happy "Big Game Sunday" — as all the ads which haven't paid the necessary licensing fee must call it — O ye Wonkers! Are you rooting for the one team of giant men who…

As everyone knows, there are two objectives for any political candidate appearing on Saturday Night Live: Get your face on SNL, and do it without embarrassing yourself too badly. And don't even try to…