sure, take happy to bed!

We decided not to give you any Happy links yesterday for a reason we’ve now forgotten in the mists of alcohol time, so today you’re getting a double dose. Lucky duckies!

We recapped Patton Oswalt’s turn on Agents of SHIELD, which is getting better but is still probably not good.

We reviewed Draft Day, the hot new Kevin Costner-on-NFL-action flick.

Now you know that the guy that logged one billion hours in a flight simulator showing CNN how the missing plane may have crashed is now out of a job because he was a schlub who embarrassed Canadians.

Play a guessing game as to which washed-up 90s starlet isn’t going to vaccinate her kid! SPOILER ALERT: It is not Jenny McCarthy because everyone already knows about her.

A Yahoo exec got $58 million just for losing his job there. Commence weeping.

A professor put a Game of Thrones t-shirt on his kid and took a photo of it, and his institution of higher learning lost their shit over it.

Rachel Maddow doesn’t like Fox News’s coverage of the Bundy Ranch Wannabe Standoff. Weird, huh?

Don’t forget about sideboob, and don’t forget about sideboob.

No, I do NOT look like Steve CarrellThis is nice: Old Handsome Joe Biden’s son Beau, the Attorney General of Delaware, announced today that he won’t be seeking reelection to a third term in office this year, so that he can concentrate on running for governor in 2016. In a statement, he says that the governor thing just sort of snuck up on him and began taking over his mind, the result of finding a magical ring in a dragon’s cave:

Over the past few months, as I’ve been planning to run for reelection, I have also been giving a great deal of thought to running for Governor in 2016. What started as a thought — a very persistent thought — has now become a course of action that I wish to pursue … After careful consideration, I have concluded that it is not right to ask for your support in 2014, knowing that my focus would be divided between doing my job as Attorney General while at the same time running as a candidate for Governor.

That’s really pretty considerate of him, we think, and seems kind of unusual — isn’t the usual script to announce your reelection campaign, then deny that you have any definite plans for higher office until suddenly, a year and some into your new term, The People call you to serve? READ MORE »

delish!

Here at Wonk we’ve been a fan of Cheerios-pushing cereal maker General Mills, both because Cheerios are fucking great and because they love the gays. But we are not really into their latest thing, which is basically telling people that if they interact with them in any way online, they’ve given up their right to sue the company.

General Mills [...] has quietly added language to its website to alert consumers that they give up their right to sue the company if they download coupons, “join” it in online communities like Facebook, enter a company-sponsored sweepstakes or contest or interact with it in a variety of other ways.

Instead, anyone who has received anything that could be construed as a benefit and who then has a dispute with the company over its products will have to use informal negotiation via email or go through arbitration to seek relief.

That is, as we say in the law profession, some bullshit.

READ MORE »

Scootaloo cannot tolerate your ignorance.The ol’ comment queue is in need of a good hosing-out, so let’s see what detritus is in there. Looks like our stories on the Cletus Cliven Bundy and the Big Cattle Freedom Uprising generated a lot of interest among new visitors to Yr Wonkette, to whom we say Hello, welcome, and thank you for your interest! We’ll start with this enlightened American’s brief email to Yr Editrix from an anonymous reader who did not care for the description of Mr. Bundy’s militia pals as “insurgents,” even though we included a definition of that very term right in the lede. All spelling and spacing verbatim from the original:

You should shut your piece of shit blog down you scum sucking pig bitch. Calling a group of Ameriucans fighting for your fucking rights “insurgents”. Gol ive in china you commie bitch

He (?) seems nice! We especially like the notion that a bunch of armed anarchists who want to enable a guy’s deliberate refusal to comply with laws, land use fees, and court orders are “fighting for our rights” somehow, and that, simultaneously, we should be deported because we publish stuff this dunderwhelp disagrees with. READ MORE »

The only thing you should ever shove down your throatTuesday was a great day for supporters of decency and good clean living in Louisiana, as the state House of Representatives rejected a bid to formally repeal the state’s unconstitutional anti-sodomy law. Oh, sure, they all know the law is unconstitutional, but that’s no reason not to keep it on the books, because it sends a very clear message that God and the state do not approve of what the vast majority of adults like to do in bed. The House voted 67-27 to reject the measure, with 11 members not voting, because voting is just one more thing your member should not be doing. READ MORE »

this is not a screenshot from the clipbait, it is just a pretty picture we stole from InternetFox News is pretty sure that World Net Daily must know some real inside stuff about the armed-standoff goings-on at Bundy Ranch, like for instance the government causing the lunar eclipse.

Also, the jackbooted thugs who come to seize yr stuff when you don’t pay your grazing fees for 197,000 years, those jackbooted thugs may have been vanquished for now, when they decided, “fuck it, probably better not shoot all the women these ‘freedom fighters’ are going to hide behind,” but that does not mean they are not going to get all Janet Reno and seize Elian Gonzales from the rancher’s home in the middle of the night.

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OK, we're done here. Good job, everybody.Let’s have a half-round of applause for the brave souls in the Tennessee House of Representatives, who boldly voted Wednesday to express “profound regret” for both slavery and for segregation, although the chamber couldn’t quite bring itself to actually apologize for either. Baby steps, right? After all, just like the Florida Congresscritter who’s unsure whether the Civil Rights Act is Constitutional, you wouldn’t want to rush things on a sensitive matter like “are we sorry for enslaving people?” READ MORE »

Did you watch that video above? Were you terrified and threatened? Did you think a character from a teevee show would show up and murder you with fire from guns? Did you feel like you should go murder with fire from guns? Probably not! But you can never be too careful.

[Bergen Community College professor] Francis Schmidt posted to Google+ a cute picture of his young daughter wearing a Game of Thrones t-shirt in a yoga pose next to a cat. The t-shirt [bore] the phrase “I will take what is mine with fire and blood,” a quote from Daenerys Targaryen, a fictional character in a series of fantasy novels (which has sold tens of millions of copies) turned into a hot TV series on HBO (with close to 15 million viewers per episode.)

That does not sound terrifying to us! That sounds like Professor Schmidt is kinda a Game of Thrones devotee, which may or may not be your cup of tea, but otherwise no big deal, really. Nuh-uh, said an HR person, the Executive Director of Overreacting to Shit at Bergen.

READ MORE

Spongy-faced Russian Emperor Vladimir Putin did some kind of Face The Motherland forum on his own personal television network, and he had a Very Special Guest: American/Russian hero/traitor Edward Snowden! Snowden began by stating that America’s intelligence-gathering methods are indiscriminate, ineffective, and abusive, then asked Putin if Russia did the same things. According to Slate’s transcript, Putin responded, in part:

“We don’t have a mass system of such interception, and according to our law it cannot exist … [W]e don’t have as much money as they have in the States and we don’t have these technical devices that they have in the States. Our special services, thanks god, are strictly controlled by the society and by the law and are regulated by the law.”

Putin did NOT go on to explain that, on the other hand, of course he personally directs Russia’s police and armed forces to violently squash any hint of civil protest against his government, and of course he’ll just go around slicing off pieces of other countries for Russia to eat in violation of international law, because that would undermine his point about being pretty much the best and sexiest beacon of Law and Freedom. He is a smart dude!

Putin’s reasons for wanting this exchange on television are clear. But what about Snowden’s? Here are three of them, and sorry Team Snowden, none are very flattering to your guy. READ MORE »

duckatsWhen our friends in the GOP make up their minds about something, by golly they stick to it! This is called “principles,” and it is just the right thing to do. Recently, their number one most important principle has become “don’t let Barack Obama get credit for raising the minimum wage,” and so they have gone to work trying to persuade the American people that the minimum wage — which is $7.25 in the United States of America — is theft. Theft of the people’s labor, right? Hahahahahahaha you are HILARIOUS. No no no, the minimum wage is theft from the owners, the job creators, the — what the French should thank us for naming — entrepreneurs. Also, theft from everyone who has to pay more than twenty-nine cents for a hamburger. Or a shirt.

So the GOP, in addition to writing off Mexicans, black people, gays, and the 51 percent of the population that looks really nice in that dress — what, you can’t even pay a compliment anymore? — has decided they STILL have too many darned votes. So now they will write off everyone making less than Melissa Marissa Mayer, and are going around having town halls where they get to tell minimum wage workers that they are too rich and they are taking money out of the mouths of poor CEOs and COOs and CFOs and … um … compensation boards? you know, all those guys, who can barely put Lamborghinis on their families. Good times, you guys. Let’s watch the fun. READ MORE »

Just a little worried about the JewsIt’s nice to know that you can count on your friends. For instance, accused murderer Frazier Glenn Miller (or Frazier Glenn Cross, depending on which of his pseudonyms you like) has a good friend in Daniel Clevenger, the newly elected mayor of Marionville, Missouri. In an astonishingly unembarrassed chat with Springfield, Missouri, TV station KSPR, Clevenger allows as how Miller definitely did a very bad thing by killing three people because he thought they were Jewish, but on the other hand, he didn’t see any problem with agreeing that the Jews are a real problem for America.

You just have to love small-town America’s honesty and straightforwardness, don’t you? So real, so unlike fake Americans in the big cities, the big cities with all those Jews. READ MORE »

you'll sleep like a baby

We mock tech people a lot here at Happy Wonk Lifestyle Village, but while we’re mocking them for employing a staff of tech dudebros, tech people at the top of the pyramid are becoming offensive levels of rich, like Yahoo’s former COO, who had $58 million to dry his tears when they canned him.

Henrique de Castro’s 15 months as Yahoo’s chief operating officer may have ended on a sour note, but it was sweetened by a severance package worth nearly $58 million.

[I]n a letter to employees following de Castro’s Jan. 16 ouster, [Yahoo CEO Marissa] Mayer said she “made the difficult decision” that he should leave.

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Everything is progressiveLooks like Glenn Beck is having another of his mood swings, and has decided that everything is terrible, he’s tired of politics, and he just wants out. We feel ya, Glenn (not literally, oh no, heavens no). It can get to be a drag, especially when approached with the manic, barking terrier intensity of a Glenn Beck. But we get why he’s sick of it. It broke Ken Layne, after all. Maybe Glenn just needs to go out to the desert and commune with the tortoises for a while. He would probably get a lot out of that, FOR REAL.

But instead of politics, he thinks maybe he’ll follow the example of Rick Santorum and make movies, because there’s a low-stress job. Or maybe he’ll just head up an apocalyptic death cult. No reason he can’t do both, like his role model, Frank Capra. READ MORE »

at least this guy had the sense to wear a dress shirt

Remember last month when all CNN did was show planes and more planes to keep your eyeballs glued to the screen over the missing Malaysian Air jet? As the saga dragged on, CNN logged ceaseless hours in a flight simulator with a pilot, but now that pilot has been fired for looking grubby and shaming Canadians.

Oh, also too he sorta stopped showing up to his regular job.

A Canadian flight simulator business fired an instructor who figured prominently in CNN’s coverage of missing Malaysia Airlines Flight 370, saying he showed up late to his regular job and “shamed Canadians” by dressing like a teenager.

uFly company owner Claudio Teixeira said he fired Mitchell Casado on Wednesday in part for refusing to dress professionally and making Canadians “look very bad all over the world.”

READ MORE

'Happy Passover, Eric.'     'Fuck you, Mr. President'  - likely dialogue
Gather round, ye children of this fair land. It has cometh to our attention that scoundrels, muckrakers, and charlatans hath sought and attained positions within our genteel federal government. These miscreants have the audacity to make partisan public speeches – IN PUBLIC, no less. These divisive, partisan activities and vile words are not acceptable to the gentlemanly persuasions of Eric Cantor, who nearly fainted from ferklemptness recently.

How were Cantor’s delicate sensibilities nearly destroyed? It started when the dumb stupid President called him to wish him a Happy Passover and discuss immigration reform. Yet earlier that very same day, the President gave a speech attacking Republicans for not moving such legislation! The audacity of some people! Everyone knows that Republicans never, EVER, make partisan speeches to raise money one day, only to try to work together with Democrats on another. (Hahaha, they actually don’t, because that second thing.)

Naturally, Cantor had to release a blistering partisan press release in which he derided blistering partisan attacks. Because why show class when this will raise more money for you and your party. Let’s hypocrisplore.  READ MORE »