Officer ‘Go F*ck Yourself’ Suspended Indefinitely, Cop Who Killed Michael Brown Still On Vacay

  It's the least they can do ... the very least
Finally, some accountability for that one cop in Ferguson, Missouri. No, not that cop, stupid. Officer Darren Wilson, who killed Michael Brown, is still out of town on paid administrative leave, as far as we know. We’re talking about this other cop, known only by his self-professed ...

Sorry, Rick Perry, No Hand Cannon For You!

  He Can Still Carry His Sword We Guess
Yeeee Haaaa!
Indicted war criminal Rick Perry may face a fate far worse than lynching — he may face separation from his precious beloved guns! while he awaits a conclusion of the case against him. Or at least he’s had some of his precious gun rights limited, which is the same as burying the ...

Sarah Palin: Tina Fey Would Be Nothing Without Me

  #SarahForevah
But who's the one on the left?
Raise your hand if you need some comic relief right about now. Oh, all of you? Great, us too! Thankfully, our girl Sarah never, ever disappoints. In a Hollywood Reporter story on the history of Saturday Night Live, Sarah Palin shares her “thoughts” on the crappy tee vee show, and ...

St. Louis Police Not All That Interested In How People End Up Shot, Apparently

  Not our job
While the entire world has taken an interest in just how St. Louis residents are ending up shot in the street, there’s one group who does not seem all that interested: the police. According to Riverfront Times, St. Louis County resident Mya Aaten-White was leaving a Mike Brown rally on ...

Very Sane Reactions To The Murder Of James Foley By The Coward Barack Obama

  Why Haven't We Bombed Iran Yet?
You've all seen the other pic
American photojournalist James Foley was beheaded Tuesday by the group calling itself The Islamic State (or “ISIS, ISIL — whatever you want to call these guys,” in Lindsey Graham’s memorable phrase). The FBI has announced that it believes that a graphic video of the execution is ...

Missouri Governor, A.G. Perform Elegant ‘Avoiding Responsibility’ Pas De Deux

  No Idea Who's Leading
The delicate dance of government
Tuesday saw a bizarre little pas de deux in Missouri, as St. Louis County Attorney Robert McCulloch said that he’d continue on as lead prosecutor in the shooting of Michael Brown by Officer Darren Wilson. And Gov. Jay Nixon insisted that he would not replace McCulloch. Each also hinted ...

Chris Christie Will Fight Some Dumb Lady About Bruce Springsteen, Boss Of You

  clipbait
Chris Christie, communist who would save New Jersey if he would allow price gouging
Just because New Jersey Gov. Chris Christie (R-Bridgegate) makes Bruce Springsteen sick to his stomach because Christie stands for everything The Boss stands against is no reason why The Boss doesn’t want Christie pretending they are total besties. Take that, silly lady who thinks ...

Louisiana Tea Party Pretty Sure Common Core Makes Kids Gay, Since Fake News Site Said So

  Literally Unbelievable
There's nothing about Common Core hre, but we like the picture
The Tea Party of Louisiana does not like Common Core, not one darn bit! And on Monday, it issued a deeply disappointed and angry denunciation of Sen. David Vitter for supporting the standards, since the tea partiers had “always thought of Senator Vitter as a friend of Liberty,” but ...

Now Captain Ron Johnson Is a Gang Member, Sure Why Not

  seems legit
'bout to start a riot probably
Thank goodness we live in a POST-RACIAL SOCIETY, where black people are not automatically suspected of being gang members for making shapes with their hands. Hahaha, just kidding! Everyone knows black people use their hands like this, white people use their hands like that. So now, in addition ...

Masterpiece Theatre: Fox News Re-Enacts Ferguson (THUG!) Cigarillo Caper

  safe word is conjecture
ffs
  When Fox News dispatched intrepid reporter Griff Jenkins to cover the protests in Ferguson, Missouri, they no doubt expected their hard-hitting TV journalist would find a fresh angle on the story, something no one else would ever think to do, and he delivered on Tuesday night. ...

Here Is Your Rick Perry Mugshot And All The Other Great Ones Too

  rogues gallery
Tuesday was the day for Gov. Rick “Yosemite Sam” Perry to turn himself into the authorities for fingerprinting, mugshot-taking, and general merriment over the extremely thin felony charges he faces over defunding the Travis County Public Integrity Unit. Finally, we would have the answer to the ...

Paul Ryan Has A ‘Book,’ Bald Eagle Poop Isn’t Purple, And Other News You Can Maybe Use

  Your morning cup of wut?
Good morning, everything is terrible again. Hooray, Rep. Paul Ryan (R-His Butt) has a new book out, called How I Learned To Stop Caring What Jesus Actually Had To Say Because I Sure Do Hate The Poors, or whatever he’s calling it, who cares? Courtesy of The Agenda Project Action Fund, ...

Wonkette Finally Surrenders, Becomes Twitchy

  We burnt
Screw this day with a rusty fork. We are out of words, so we’re just going to steal yours. This: And this: And this too: Elegant and to the point: Exactly: Yup: “Satire“: Oh, did someone say satire? Evergreen tweet: Aaaaaaand scene: That little “Follow” button in ...

Deleted Messages Of The Day: If You Read The Bible, You’d Know How Real Demons Are, You Moron

  the commentczar's in town
Do you believe in magic?
Time for another trip to the comments queue well, where we skim off the finest of our would-be commenters’ contributions. First up, a real treat: an actual good old-fashioned email sent to Yr. Doktor Zoom by “Vinbin76,” who had a bone to pick with us after we made fun of that ...

Congratulations, Deport-The-Kids Patriots! Kids Returned To Honduras, Killed.

  As Ye Have Done It Unto One Of The Least Of These
Sorry about that. America's full, you see.
Some inspiring news for the deport-everyone-immediately crowd today: According to a Los Angeles Times report, “at least five, and as many as 10, of the 42 children” who have been killed in criminal violence in Honduras since February had been deported from the United States, ...

Get A Kluwe, Morans!

  Sportsball nice time
He seems nice -- except, actually nice!
Former Minnesota Vikings Sportsball Human Chris Kluwe announced today that he and the team had reached an agreement to settle a lawsuit filed by Kluwe in the wake of his firing last year and a subsequent article he wrote accusing the Vikings of tolerating a culture of homophobia. Under the ...

Hey ‘Ladies,’ Michelle Duggar Needs To Check Your ‘Lady’ Parts Before You Use The Restroom

  Is that REALLY a vagina in your pants?
Our sweet little sister site Happy Nice Time People, what is watching 19 Clowns in a Uterus so we don’t have to, has a very important public service announcement from perpetually pregnant Michelle Duggar: You see, Michelle is VERY concerned that some people in Fayetteville, Ark., (a place ...

Anonymous Lady Says Anonymous Witnesses Back Up Ferguson Cop’s Story Whatever That Is

  What more proof do you need?
yeah, this will hold up in a court of law for sure
We can all go home now, because Tucker Carlson’s cesspool of journamalism has a hot scoop that PROVES Ferguson police officer Darren Wilson is definitely not guilty of murdering unarmed teen Michael Brown. Wilson’s claims match a woman who called herself “Josie” who called into Dana ...

KKK Leader Urges Missouri KKK To Cool It With The Racism, Please

  When You've Lost The Klan...
EXCLUSIVE: Must Credit Dok Zoom
Here’s a shiny new story on the sidelines of the Ferguson Fracas: A Ku Klux Klan leader has denounced a fundraiser started by a fringe Klan group in South Carolina for Darren Wilson, the officer who shot Ferguson teen Michael Brown. Imperial Wizard Chuck Murray, the leader of the New ...

Bob McDonnell Innocent By Reason Of Wife’s Cuckoo Insanity

  Ethics Are For Little People
Maureen McDonnell confronts the staff (Artist's conception)
The defense opened its case in former Virginia Gov. Bob McDonnell’s corruption trial Monday, and at least part of the defense strategy seems aimed at a Not Guilty By Reason Of Wife’s Insanity verdict. A staffer for the former state First Lady testified that everyone in the ...

NY Post Writer Wonders Why Dumb Broads Can’t Take A Compliment (Also: Nipples)

  Dames These Days
The New York Post’s Doree Lewak considers herself a funny gal, with her humor recalling a more enlightened time when “gal” was the preferred nomenclature. So we apologize in advance if Lewak’s paean to wolf whistles, “Hey Ladies — catcalls are flattering! ...

Let’s All Enjoy This Ferguson Protester Yelling At Fox News

  clipbait
This DOES make us feel better
Okay, so everything is effed up and bullpoop in Ferguson, Missouri, but here’s something, courtesy of Mediaite, to make us all feel a little bit better. While most of Fox News is covering the crisis in Ferguson exactly the way you’d expect if you know what we mean and we know that ...