Beck Like Me

Glenn Beck Is Sick And Tired Of All This Racism Against Glenn Beck

The real victim, as usual
Guys, we don’t know if this is further evidence of Glenn Beck’s broken brain, or if it’s just in the script, or maybe yes all of the above. But it’s classic Glenn Beck, in that it sure seems like his brain is broken. Apparently, we are not the only ones who read the ...
  Your Morning Maddow

Morning Maddow: Welcome To Your New Cyber-War With North Korea, Maybe (Video)

Have you been following the probably-North Korean cyberattack on Sony Pictures, with the attendant releases of stolen emails and bizarre threats? We have, some, and although we aren’t particularly worried about what Scott Rudin said about Angelina Jolie, and have no desire to download a ...
  Keep The 'Ha' In Hanukkah

Massachusetts Official Keeps Christ In Jewish Christmas

Deck the halls with boughs of challa
Forget the War on Christmas. 2014 is the year of the War on Hanukkah. First there was the discovery of Scott Walker’s long ago “Molotov” holiday wish, and then we had Rick Perry’s bizarre comparison of the Boston Tea Party to the Maccabees, and then Tuesday, on the first ...
  what comes around goes around

Murder Is Illegal (Even In Montana)

Kaarma Is A Bitch
A Missoula, Montana jury found Markus Kaarma guilty of deliberate homicide, just for killing German exchange student Diren Dede in a carefully laid trap. Even though he used a gun, like a good American Patriot™, AND the kid was ON HIS PROPERTY (CASTLE DOCTRINE! ARGLE BARGLE!). We understand if ...
  You Didn't Bill-O That

Bill O’Reilly: Elizabeth Warren Will Seize The Means Of Production And Execute The Kulaks

Watch the latest video at Bill O’Reilly was in fine form Tuesday night, addressing the horrors that might result if Elizabeth Warren somehow became President of the United States. You see, if the mildly progressive centrist Barack Obama is a flaming socialist, which he ...
  he also has many leather-bound books

Cool Conservative Judge Slaps Down Immigration Reform With Stuff He Read On Twitter

Judge Schwab issues his ruling.
It has been only a few weeks since our Glorious Leader, the Sun in the Eastern Sky, Generalissimo Barack Obama, threw open our borders to the mongrel hordes of non-Americans desperate to come to our country and pick our vegetables for a dollar a day. Luckily, we have brave people in our ...
  Legitimate Legislating

Missouri State Rep: Ladies, Get Your Abortion Permission Slips From The Dudes What Knocked You Up

Missouri State Rep. Rick Brattin is a dedicated foot soldier in the war against abortion. It must stick in his craw that the state still has one clinic performing the procedure in St. Louis, despite Brattin and his fellow Republicans in the legislature bombarding it with new restrictions at ...
  Nasty vile little snark mob take two

Hey What Happened To My Comments (Which Wonkette Has Never Allowed)?

Really, did the Bats episode need a song? It did not need a song.
Some of you are writing in all like “WAAAH I AM NOT ALLOWED TO COMMENT AT WONKETTE, HOME FAMOUS WORLD OF ASSFUCKING AND DICK JOKES!” You would like to know if you have been banned? Well, obviously the answer is of course you have. The other answer is “oh, been using Adblocker ...
  It's A Dicktember Miracle!

Inconceivably, Ducky-Pajamas-Wearing Texas Congressman Has Been Accused Of Sexual Harrassment

It was Halloween. It means nothing. Really.
Texas Congresscritter Blake Farenthold is a real peach. He was elected to the House in 2010, flirted with birtherism,, explained that Ebola was probably going to kill us all because that’s how it works in zombie movies, and has frequently suggested that Congress could totally impeach ...
  la ciudad mi corazon

Our Man In Havana

Due to today’s stunning news that Barack Obama will have the greatest lameduck in history and normalize relations with Cuba — or cede control of the US to Fidel Castro and Nikita Kruschev — we offer you a story we wrote some years ago. We think it’s pretty. Semper Fidel ...
  Obama Seeks Kennedyesque Image; Will Call It 'Cuber'

Fidel Castro Is Your New President, America!

Thought about 'shopping Obama's face in there, but nahhh
The Obama administration announced today what it calls the most significant changes in 50 years to American policy toward Cuba, including the normalization of diplomatic relations, increased trade and easier travel, and a review of Cuba’s listing as a state sponsor of terrorism. But no, ...
  It’s like they think they’re black or something

Racist Obamas Try To Start Race War On Whitey By Talking About Being Black

always talking about race all the time
Ugh, the so-called “first family” is trying to start a race war — again! Like it’s not bad enough that President Obama is always injecting race into statements about how if he had a black son, his son would be black, which serves no purpose other than inciting White ...
  Your Morning Maddow

Morning Maddow: Time For Obama’s Presidential Menopause (Video)

Rachel Maddow kicked off her Tuesday show with some thoughts about what she calls “Presidential Menopause”: the last two years of every presidency since Reagan’s, in which presidents have to deal with an opposite-party Congress. Barack Obama is about to embark on a two-year ...
  cool story bro

Boehner And Schumer Engage In Twitter Slap Fight As American Dignity Swirls Further Down Toilet

We do so enjoy a little lighthearted, good-natured bicameral smack talk in Congress. Like this exchange between Speaker of the House John Boehner and this other guy, a cousin of very funny comedienne Amy Schumer who also happens to be a Senator. The Terrorism Risk Insurance Act – or TRIA if ...
  You Know He Knows Just Exactly What The Facts Is

AZ Sheriff (Not Joe Arpaio) Will Take County Full Somalia. Congratulations, New Somalia!

Ritchie Mack, he's a sheriff down in 'Zona
From the old “Derp Springs Eternal” file, we bring you news of the remnants of Cliven Bundy Freedom Spring 2014. You may remember former Graham County (Arizona) Sheriff Richard Mack from that little to-do in the Nevada desert; Mack’s the guy who came up with the brilliant plan ...
  Menorah Tea Report

Rick Perry Thinks Jews Did The Boston Tea Party. Merry Passover, The Jews!

It’s the most wonderful time of the year, when Bible-humping politicians who can’t wait for baby Jesus to come back and murder all the sinners hope all their Jew friends have a very merry Jewish Christmas. It’s an ancient tradition that dates back at least to 2001, when George ...
  burn it down

Darren Wilson’s Star Witness Is A Liar And Her Testimony Is An Obvious Fraud. Ha! Ha!

she's a real live boy
“Witness 40″ was a key witness to Darren Wilson’s defenders because her story seemed to wholly confirm Darren Wilson’s narrative of the events that led to Michael Brown’s death. It is Witness 40 who described Brown as a drug-crazed lunatic who pummeled Wilson to ...
  rage against the machine

Conservatives React To Jeb Bush With Usual Thoughtfulness And Rage-Induced Aneurysms

Jeb Bush’s announcement this morning that he is exploring maybe thinking about the possibility of considering a run for the presidency has set off an awesome fit of rage and whining among the true conservatives of the right, and it is hilarious. Hanukkah doesn’t even start for a few more hours, ...
  Mother Of All Babbles

America’s New Favorite Mom Calls C-SPAN To Tell Her Pundit Sons To Play Nice

You boys just knock that off
We’ll confess that we don’t spend a lot of time listening to C-SPAN’s call-in segments, which means that we are definitely not getting regular doses of recycled shouting points from talk radio. It also means that we had to read the Interwebs to find out that C-SPAN was an ...
  No Atheists In Fox Holes

Santa Evicted From Public School, One Dad Plus Fox News Very Upset

Iwo Tannenbaum
With all the torture and police brutality and Republicans taking over Congress, we were worried that the War on Christmas just might not come this year. Thankfully, though, just like Santa soaring through the fog, led by a Claymation reindeer, it’s finally arrived, and Fox News’s ...
  Somewhere Out There Katherine Harris Is Salivating

Jeb Bush May Bless Us With Presidential Run

He's just so dreamy
In a Christmas present for America, former Florida Gov. Jeb “The Smart One. No Really” Bush announced Tuesday that he will “actively explore the possibility” of a presidential run, because his country needs him a whole lot. Taking to the traditional platform for such ...
  Somewhere Out There Katherine Harris Is Salivating

Get Lucky With Citrus Fruit Salad For Breakfast In Bed

Grapefruit is in season. We’ll ease into it with a simple citrus salad. Instead of a bowl, serve it in a hollowed out grapefruit rind. If you have a sexytime partner with whom you share a bed, deliver it to that person first thing in the morning, and maybe you’ll get lucky, if you ...