wicked wicked

If you’re chilling this Easter morning and thinking “gee, I wish I could be pissed off at something ASAP,” the Times has got you covered with a big piece about how Republicans aren’t content with obsessing over Obamacare, because they’re able to split their attention and do the same with the Common Core standards.

Yes, a set of relatively harmless national guidelines about what kids should learn during K-12 years, a bipartisan bit of actual smartness introduced by the governors of 44 states and DC, is now the hot new thing to hate, pretty much only because Bamz likes it.

Conservatives denounce it as “Obamacore,” in what has become a surefire applause line for potential presidential hopefuls. Other Republicans are facing opprobrium from their own party for not doing more to stop it. At a recent Republican women’s club luncheon in North Carolina, a member went from table to table distributing literature that called the program part of “the silent erosion of our civil liberties.” [...] Some conservatives, in an echo of their criticism of the health care law, say the standards are an overreach by the federal government.

Given that this current crop of conservatives sees the mere existence of a federal government headed by a blah person and a Democrat to be overreach, this should not be surprising.

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We just love this guy's smileWelcome to another edition of Derp Roundup, the weekly feature where we scrape the dumbest possible news leftovers off our overheated browser tabs, blend them into an almost-digestible slurry, and serve them up to you with a muffin and a warning to imbibe heavily.

  • Our Prime Derp this week is actually not so much the derp itself — a petition to Whitehouse.gov calling for the deportation of Justin Bieber — but rather the fairly brilliant official response to it, which starts out with a “sorry, no way” and then moves on to make a case for immigration reform, because are you people nuts, if you’re going to waste time with a dumb petition, we may as well talk about something that matters. The “response” starts with the stupid old fine print:

    Sorry to disappoint, but we won’t be commenting on this one. READ MORE »

  • Meet Nevada Assemblywoman Michele Fiore, who traded the second “l” in her first name for the magical ability to never accept the premise of any question asked by a member of the Liberal Media. Hayes asks her if she agrees that SuperFreedom CowActivist Cliven Bundy is in violation of the law and owes a million dollars in grazing fees, and so of course, rather than address whether Bundy’s a lawbreaker, Fiore focuses in on the amount of the fees, because no one on “Harry Reid’s side” has ever shown us the bill. (Just like the birth certificate!!!!)  “No one’s seen it, the media’s goin’ crazy. If he owes the bill, he’s willing to pay it, he has said that.” Which, you know, is sort of what we in the Far Left Big Government-Loving Establishment might call a “baldfaced lie.” Then Hayes points out that Cliven Bundy has said that he doesn’t even recognize the authority of the government to bill him, and asks Fiore, “Do you agree with that stance? Do you recognize the authority of the federal government?” What a biased, left-wing question, clearly designed to trap a freedom-loving Patriot in a logic pretzel! And so Fiore answers the question she’d far rather address:

    I recognize our federal government overstepped and overreached in our state of Nevada, that’s what I recognize. I recognize we have a lot of issues to conclude … I’m recognizing what I’ve seen. This is my sixth day on the ground here in Bunkerville, and I’m recognizing that this was handled totally incompetent; I’m questioning the BLM and I’m also going to request either a resignation or termination of the person that had ordered this to be done.

    Nicely derped! And for this performance, wingnut blogs are praising her insistence on “driv[ing]the conversation back to a few key points like a jackhammer.” READ MORE »

    dinosaddleBusiness Insider has breaking news: Americans believe crazy shit about science. Just think of the 18% of  people who believe The Flintstones was loosely based on a true story. The National Science Foundation must have wept when they realized their funding was regulated by people who couldn’t a pass sixth grade science class.

    This new Pew Study on American perceptions of the future of science and technology could have provided a beacon of hope, a reason to keep believing, proof that the American public is aware of how hard science has been rocking it out lately. Instead, Business Insider insinuates that it is further proof of our collective insanity.

    But the examples Business Insider talks about aren’t actually that crazy. Unless you’re using “crazy” to modify “crazy awesome.” READ MORE »

    what could be happier?

    Dok Zoom wrote a lovely remembrance of Gabriel Garcia Marquez, who passed away yesterday at the age of 87.

    Do you need to know how to cook and eat a tiny little baby lamb leg for Jesus, for Easter? We’ve got you covered.

    George R.R. Martin wrote a new book about Game of Thrones but it is not the new Game of Thrones book, so fuck that guy.

    Aretha Franklin is going to do us all a solid and sue one of those stupid fake news sites that thinks it is satire but really isn’t after said crappy site posted a fake item about her and Patti LaBelle duking it out.

    Prince got back together with Warner Brothers, which means more records for you and me, which is all that matters.

    And remember, there’s no shame in reading a little sideboob on Friday afternoon.

    As political satirical fun time bloggers, we applaud the new ease with which any candidate anywhere can make themselves a YouTube and spit out a campaign ad, because that really has been comedy gold for us over the past few years. Even the big folks have used YouTube to get weird, like Ted Cruz with his David Dewhurst = Chupacabra ad in 2011, and our most beloved ad of all time, Carly Fiorina’s demon sheep. But you don’t need to be a big budget type to get yourself a viral video sort of thingy, as evidenced by this obamahead-slapping fellow, Nebraska state senator Beau McCoy, who is running for governor of the Plains State or the Flat State or whatever they call themselves. Cornhuskers? Or is that Iowa??

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    Chief Moore (in black shirt) says goodbye to City staffJust to confirm that small-town politics can be every bit as fierce and sleazy as anything in your big cities, the mayor of Latta, South Carolina, Earl Bullard (really!), fired the town’s police chief, Crystal Moore — who is also an out lesbian — with what looks like a flimsy excuse. Much temper and bitterness, and also blatant homophobia, caught on tape. And don’t worry too much about subtle, Rashomonesque shades of interpretation — unless you happen to be Mayor Bullard, it’s pretty clear who the jerk is in this story.

    Moore, a 23-year veteran of the town’s police force and its first female chief, was fired Tuesday by Bullard after he handed her a stack of seven reprimands — the first she’d ever received in over 20 years as a police officer. She must have done something pretty darn bad! And she did — she investigated Bullard’s hiring of the town’s Parks and Rec director, Vontray Sellers, and arrested Sellers for driving a city-owned vehicle even though his license was suspended. Also, she was openly gay. The only real mystery here is whether Moore got canned because Bullard is a petty vindictive asshole who didn’t like being questioned, or because Bullard is a petty homophobic asshole. Then again, it could be both. READ MORE »

    You do not simply usurp a usurper.The bloodstone hearth glowed crimson and umber athwart the embers of the fire. Lady Hillarye Clynton regarded the beasts carved upon it: the savage bear, the diffident squirrel, the cowardly otter. Above them all, the rampant croissant, sigil of House Clynton, shone with buttery benevolence. But it was the rabbit that arrested her attention. The prolific rabbit, dam of furry kingdoms. She sought wisdom in its stony haunches.

    For she had borne a daughter only. Fair Chelsye was a strong girl. She had retained the name of her House rather than take her lowborn merchant husband’s. Yet for all that, she could not be a son, and no legitimate son would ever join her. She had never harmed the family’s political fortunes, but neither had she helped. She had been too aged to kindle tender feelings in the hearts of the smallfolk when Lord Clynton held the Iron Throne.

    But now, by the gods, Chelsye had promised her mother a great gift. She was with child. The possibilities spun out before Lady Clynton like threads of gold.

    “A child,” she whispered. “The game is changed.” In one sure motion she pulled a single strand of hair from her head and let it fall into the fire. Green smoke hissed from the coals as a face appeared in the hearth. The ghostly visage of Ser Marke Penn, the Worm Knight, greeted her. READ MORE »

    no such thing as too much money

    This post brought to you by the Patty Dumpling Endowed Chair For Oil Spill Blogging And Insider Trading.

    Sometimes we reach the end of the week and it is so hard to decide who the biggest asshole of the past seven days might have been. Was it the “performance artist” that thought it would be cool to attention whore by putting a backpack at the Boston Marathon finish line, thus bringing people to a terrified standstill yet again? How about the Missouri mayor who thought that the Kansas City shooter had some pretty neato ideas about Jews? Those guys were pretty terrible! But we have a dark horse late entry contender who might just win the week. People of Wonkette, we give you craven shitstain Keith A. Seilhan, the BP executive who dumped his BP stock after learning that the public was woefully misinformed about the extent of the spill because haha of course it was much worse.

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    The most vicious attack everAs you can see, terrible no-goodnik and Friend of Wonkette Dan Savage is brutally attacking Christian Purity again, on the Twitters, by making fun of Professional Virgin Jill Duggar. Obviously, this makes him the biggest hypocrite ever, according to the 9 fulltime employees at Twitchy. Hey, Dan Savage! Stop sneering at virginity! READ MORE »

    Quick! Get this resin to Dumbledore!As a gift to comedy, performance artist/Toronto Mayor Rob Ford announced Thursday night that he’s running for another term.

    “I’m running on my record and my record is second to none,” Ford said at the Toronto Congress Centre. “I’m the most open hard-working mayor this city has ever had. I continue to pledge honesty and transparency.”

    God Bless You, Mr. Ford. You’re no raasclat bumbaclot, man. READ MORE »

    this here is a nice satirical picture

    How much do you hate fake news sites like National Report, which serves only to get the gullible to recirculate poorly written “satire” as truth? All of the hate, right? This week, another of those sites, News Nerd, trotted out a story about Patti Labelle punching Aretha Franklin and now Aretha is suing. Go Aretha.

    First, a part of the fake news story, which appears on a website that looks entirely like a real website until you scroll all the way down the page to find a brief “this is for entertainment purposes” disclaimer, except many people do not scroll down for that! Here’s the ill-written yet semi-realistic account of the LaBelle assault.

    While Aretha Franklin was making her way to the stage, Labelle extended her hand to greet the “Respect” singer, when she threw epic shade in an effort to avoid her. [...]

    Franklin was quickly struck [by LaBelle] with a Mayweather style right and left and stumbled backwards, landing awkwardly. Bystanders subdued Labelle and escorted her outside of the venue. Franklin suffered only minor injuries.

    Labelle was quickly apprehended by the Atlanta Police Department and charged with assault and battery. She was released on a $10,000 bail and will appear in court on April 16th.

    See? That does not really sound fake! It sounds like a 10th-grader wrote it, but it sounds like a real story.

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    History's 85,724th Greatest MonsterThe other day, we brought you the most serious scandal of the 2014 midterms so far: the revelation that in 2012, Al Franken held two small traffic cones to his chest as if they were boobies. After the story was broken by Dead Breitbart’s Internet Home for Incoherent Outraged Babbling, it made its way to the campaign office of one of the Republican candidates hoping to take on Franken in the fall, Minnesota state Sen. Julianne Ortman, who tossed it onto her FacePlace page with the accusation that Franken “doesn’t take women seriously.” Which is so very true, because in 1970-something he made a really dumb rape joke during an SNL writers’ meeting, which is the only thing you need to know about Al Franken and his attitudes toward women. Certainly nothing he’s done in the Senate — like his amendment banning the government from contracting with companies that try to keep women from pursuing rape cases, or his support for equal pay, or his support for stronger domestic violence protections — can ever make up for that. But yes, if you are offended by Franken’s misuse of traffic cones, sign the petition — which is, of course, just a link to get you on Ortman’s mailing list.

    On the other hand, we suppose we agree that it’s not all that funny, but who knows what he was saying — it might have totally reframed the traffic-cones-as-boobs visuals in a brilliantly satirical ironic context. Clearly, an investigation is needed. READ MORE »

    You guys, there is some serious UN-AMERICAN activity happening, and we bet you don’t know about it! According to Allen West on Fox & Friends, there is a secret Muslim plot in America to… wait for it… become politically organized in order to push for policies that are more friendly towards Muslims.

    Now is the appropriate time to FREAK THE FUCK OUT. Seriously, freak out, dammit. What’s wrong with you? Why aren’t you freaking out! Did you not click on that video? Did you not see the graphic of “Islamic Extremism on the Rise,” with totally not-racist pictures of men in turbans wielding rocket-launchers? This threat will ruin American civilization and likely cause the death of all kittens, because it is THAT BAD. If your hands aren’t shaking too much, let’s scaresplore this threat to life, liberty, and religious freedom the American way.  READ MORE »

    That's terrific.

    Corporations are people, my friend, as John Roberts has previously pointed out. Chief Justice Roberts thinks those corporations’ shareholders should be able to demand disclosure of corporations’ political expenditures, and he’s pretty sure that companies will abide by their shareholders’ mandates, because what are you, a communist? So we cannot count how many times John Roberts must have uttered “Oh my stars and garters” with his pretty Harvard mouth after he read this report from Citizens for Responsibility and Ethics in Washington:

    The report shows companies frequently are failing to disclose what they say they will. [...] In addition to the discrepancies in contribution amounts, CREW found some companies’ contributions to 527 organizations appeared to contradict their stated policies about political giving, published on their websites, in their corporate reports, and in proxy statements.

    All of this gets very wonky very quickly, so if you don’t know the difference between a 527 and a 501(c)(4), let us Wonksplain at you: COMPANIES PROMISED TO TELL THEIR SHAREHOLDERS IF THEY GAVE ANY MONEY TO POLITICIANS, AND THEN THEY JUST LIED INSTEAD.

    “Big deal,” you snark, “companies lie all the time!” Ah, correct! Your jaded worldview has won the Internet today, long may you reign. But here’s why this matters. READ MORE »