whoa if true

Wingnuts Find Hillary Clinton’s Love Letters To Saul Alinsky, Lenin, David Cassidy

Also found: The poster Hillary and Bill hung over their bed in Berkeley that summer.
While you were all enjoying your Sabbath day of rest, the Washington Free Beacon – the digital equivalent of Sunday paper circular ads you toss in the trash without looking at them – was breaking a HUGE SCOOP!!!!! Are you guys ready for this? The Beacon has found Hillary Clinton’s ...
  clipbait

John Oliver Goes Deep Inside Miss America (Video)

John Oliver meets Butt Glue
In yet another terrific piece of longform investigative comedy, John Oliver and Last Week Tonight take on the Miss America Pageant, which likes to promote itself as “the World’s Largest Provider of Scholarships for Women.” Obviously, there are two questions here: 1) Is it ...
  Bible Banging

Pastor Tries To Save ‘Lost Soul’ Strippers, Strippers Fight Back With Boobs

Srsly
It was well past Labor Day, but the Gray Lady couldn’t resist one more visit to flyover country. The yokels were so much more yokelish once you got west of Hoboken, and their antics never failed to amuse her. Thus it came to pass that Mother Times ventured this weekend to the tiny hamlet ...
  Inouye? Way.

Was War Hero Daniel Inouye Also That Secret Sexist Senator? NYT Says Yes!

Look, we know you were always looking for a lei...
The New York Times is pretty sure it’s outed the unidentified senior senator who grabbed Kristen Gillibrand’s waist after she’d lost some weight and chuckled, “Don’t lose too much weight now. I like my girls chubby!” According to “people with knowledge of the ...
  All night disco party ... in your mouth

Bite This Man And This Woman: Croque Monsieur and Croque Madame For Lunch

Please bite me
Do you ever feel like biting somebody? That is so funny, because I do too, and I am starving! Let’s bite people in French and eat fancy ham and cheese sandwiches smothered in cheese sauce together! Croque Monsieur and Croque Madame literally translates as “bite a man and bite a ...
  You have a First Amendment right to pray to any Jesus you want

Fox News So Mad At Oklahoma Satanists

He is A Expert
The Fox gang was having a nice Sunday morning chat about Adam McDaniel, the leader of the Dakhma of Angra Mainyu Syndicate, a Satanic group in Oklahoma that organized a public mass to be held in Oklahoma City’s Civic Center. You’ll be shocked to know that Fox and its official ...
  All Praise Carbon Dioxide!

Wingnuts Peeing Themselves In Hilarity Over Climate Change March, ‘Science’

That game kind of got into my head a few years back
New York City hosted a big Climate Change protest on Sunday, and that’s cool and all, because raising awareness and solidarity and all that. There were hippies and signs and moms with kids in strollers and probably big protest puppets, we bet, because we’re pretty sure those are ...
  Master class trolling

Watch South Park Troll The Hell Out of Sportsball Team Owner Dan Snyder. It’s Effing Awesome.

Now this is some Olympic level trollery, brought to us by the shy sweet “South Park” fellas who introduced themselves to the world nearly two decades ago with the Hallmark Channel-esque premiere episode “Cartman Gets An Anal Probe.” On Sunday, the perfectly selected ...
  Here have some news n stuff

Hey, The Jews, Just Ask Yourselves ‘What Would Sandy Koufax Do?’

jews and baseball
It is a day that ends in “y” (shut up, weekends don’t count), so of course we have some news you can maybe use: a major league dilemma for Jewish baseball fans this year, watching football is still popular (sigh), everyone in the universe bought a new iTelecommunicationsGadget ...
  Burning Issues: The Week In Weed

House Passes ‘No Welfare For Weed’ Bill, Which Fails To Ban Welfare For Weed

After coming back from a five-week “district work period” for eight action-packed days of legislating, members of the House and Senate went slinking out of DC on Thursday while mumbling over their shoulders that they’d be on email if anything should come up before the midterm ...
  Can Willie Be Our Weed Sensei Too?

Sunday Bloody NYT Sunday: Special Maureen Dowd Gets Pot Lessons From Willie Nelson Edition

This child can't stand Maureen Dowd either
With no single national calamity to focus on this week, the Sunday New York Times brings us mélange of Big Journalism on Important Topics, the general drift of which leads us to wish we’d stayed in bed. For starters, there’s another must-read piece by Elizabeth Rosenthal, whose ...
  We Watch So You Don't Have To

The Sarah Palin Fartknocker Report: Home-Cooked, Hand-Clubbed Fish Dinner

The Sarah Palin Fartknocker Report, Presented by Fartknocker
Touch of context for those who are new to this series: a Wonkette commenter named Fartknocker ponied up the cash for us to get a subscription to Sarah Palin’s Internet Teevee Channel. The aim of this series is to allow the Wonketariat to snicker at Palin’s new thingy without ever ...
  In Case You Missed it

Wonkette Week In Review: All The Stuff You Missed While You Were ‘In Your Bunk’

Really a surprising number of pics of ponies reading the paper...all from one episode, sure...
So before we started this week’s list of the ten most-shared-on-Facebook posts of the last week, we had prepared a beautiful 1500-word Dear Shitferbrains piece for you. It was almost certainly the bestest, funniest Dear Shitferbrains EVAR. Or at least the best in the last three days. And ...
  clipbait

Stephen Colbert Takes A Belt To Sean Hannity’s Love Of Child Beating (Video)

One of these men seems well adjusted
Stephen Colbert thinks the NFL is a pretty cool organization. “It’s America’s top forum for discussing issues of domestic violence. And I understand the employees also get together and play football on the weekends.” This, of course, brings us once again to the story of ...
  Wonkette Fun-Times Activity Book

Your Happy Funtimes Palin Brawl Playset Will Keep Your Fingers Warm On Those Cold Alaska Nights

Whoa, hey, watch where you put that finger!
Sniveling rage donkey Sarah Palin is back on the Facebook today, braying about the “prayer shield” that surrounds her brood of Leon Spinks imitators. Sarah is very proud of her kids’ desire to defend the family and also of their “work ethic,” which they must have learned from someone else’s ...
  Trust Me: I Suck!

NFL’s Roger Goodell Is Useless Goober, Has Better Job Than You

At least he's sorry
NFL President Roger Goodell held a press conference today in which he apologized for being a completely worthless crapbird in his handling of the league’s multiple problems with players who have committed domestic violence and child abuse. He insisted that he holds himself to the highest ...
  time to ramble on

Peggy Noonan Would Like Another Tincture Of Opium Please

And she never washed her hand again.
Ah, fall in New York City! There is a chill in the air, a nip that can invigorate the soul as one sits in a favorite saloon, sipping a mug of one’s favorite whiskey fortified with a generous dollop of coffee, if one is so inclined to while away an afternoon in this fashion. An afternoon leading ...
  we left our liver in san francisco

Pix Or GTFO: San Francisco Wonkers Throwing Up On Their Shoes Probably

Or maybe that was just me. Just kidding, I did not throw up on my shoes. OR DID I? Portland, time to beat your liver into submission TOMORROW, SATURDAY, at Base Camp Brewing. We don’t know, you’re on the Internet, look it up. Then Sat., Sept. 27, we will be at the Rhino Room in ...
  Deepest Sympathies For Your Being Black

Alabama Governor Consoles Family Of Murdered 8-Year-Old Black Girl By Suggesting Their Dysfunction Killed Her (Updated)

May this face haunt Robert Benchley's dreams forever
UPDATE: A spokeswoman for Gov. Bentley has offered an explanation; see end of post. Hiawayi Robinson, of Pritchard, Alabama, a small city on the north side of Mobile, was looking forward to turning nine years old next week. On Tuesday, Hiawayi had talked to her father on the phone about what ...
  It Gets Stupider

Wingnuts Fight For Sacred Right To Keep Bullying Gays, Who Aren’t Real Anyway

Actual result of anti-bullying laws
Here’s a very nice thing that grew out of a very ugly thing, and a very ugly thing in reaction to it: Minnesota’s got a new “Safe and Supportive Schools Act” aimed at combatting bullying and making schools safe and supportive, don’t you know, for LGBT young people. ...
  Like Todd Starnes Has Ever Seen A Big Condom

Fox’s Todd Starnes Exposes Big Condom-Public School Industrial Complex

Invading a middle school near you title=
Can’t get enough dick? We can never get enough dick — news about dicks, politicians being dicks, anonymous airport dick, and sometimes dicks talking about dick-things. Enter Todd Starnes, Fox News comment-spewer and host of the physical embodiment of all the worst insinuations of the word ...
  'Red Asphalt' Never Covered This

Idiot Idaho Teen Rolls SUV When Idiot Friend Lights Armpit Hair On Fire

S-M-R-T
In what we fear could be the start of a trend, a Boise teenager who is definitely not Kid Zoom or any of his friends crashed a Ford Bronco Sunday after his 16-year-old front seat passenger reached over and set the driver’s armpit hair on fire with a lighter. This sounds like the sort of ...