what could be happier?

Dok Zoom wrote a lovely remembrance of Gabriel Garcia Marquez, who passed away yesterday at the age of 87.

Do you need to know how to cook and eat a tiny little baby lamb leg for Jesus, for Easter? We’ve got you covered.

George R.R. Martin wrote a new book about Game of Thrones but it is not the new Game of Thrones book, so fuck that guy.

Aretha Franklin is going to do us all a solid and sue one of those stupid fake news sites that thinks it is satire but really isn’t after said crappy site posted a fake item about her and Patti LaBelle duking it out.

Prince got back together with Warner Brothers, which means more records for you and me, which is all that matters.

And remember, there’s no shame in reading a little sideboob on Friday afternoon.

As political satirical fun time bloggers, we applaud the new ease with which any candidate anywhere can make themselves a YouTube and spit out a campaign ad, because that really has been comedy gold for us over the past few years. Even the big folks have used YouTube to get weird, like Ted Cruz with his David Dewhurst = Chupacabra ad in 2011, and our most beloved ad of all time, Carly Fiorina’s demon sheep. But you don’t need to be a big budget type to get yourself a viral video sort of thingy, as evidenced by this obamahead-slapping fellow, Nebraska state senator Beau McCoy, who is running for governor of the Plains State or the Flat State or whatever they call themselves. Cornhuskers? Or is that Iowa??

READ MORE »

Chief Moore (in black shirt) says goodbye to City staffJust to confirm that small-town politics can be every bit as fierce and sleazy as anything in your big cities, the mayor of Latta, South Carolina, Earl Bullard (really!), fired the town’s police chief, Crystal Moore — who is also an out lesbian — with what looks like a flimsy excuse. Much temper and bitterness, and also blatant homophobia, caught on tape. And don’t worry too much about subtle, Rashomonesque shades of interpretation — unless you happen to be Mayor Bullard, it’s pretty clear who the jerk is in this story.

Moore, a 23-year veteran of the town’s police force and its first female chief, was fired Tuesday by Bullard after he handed her a stack of seven reprimands — the first she’d ever received in over 20 years as a police officer. She must have done something pretty darn bad! And she did — she investigated Bullard’s hiring of the town’s Parks and Rec director, Vontray Sellers, and arrested Sellers for driving a city-owned vehicle even though his license was suspended. Also, she was openly gay. The only real mystery here is whether Moore got canned because Bullard is a petty vindictive asshole who didn’t like being questioned, or because Bullard is a petty homophobic asshole. Then again, it could be both. READ MORE »

You do not simply usurp a usurper.The bloodstone hearth glowed crimson and umber athwart the embers of the fire. Lady Hillarye Clynton regarded the beasts carved upon it: the savage bear, the diffident squirrel, the cowardly otter. Above them all, the rampant croissant, sigil of House Clynton, shone with buttery benevolence. But it was the rabbit that arrested her attention. The prolific rabbit, dam of furry kingdoms. She sought wisdom in its stony haunches.

For she had borne a daughter only. Fair Chelsye was a strong girl. She had retained the name of her House rather than take her lowborn merchant husband’s. Yet for all that, she could not be a son, and no legitimate son would ever join her. She had never harmed the family’s political fortunes, but neither had she helped. She had been too aged to kindle tender feelings in the hearts of the smallfolk when Lord Clynton held the Iron Throne.

But now, by the gods, Chelsye had promised her mother a great gift. She was with child. The possibilities spun out before Lady Clynton like threads of gold.

“A child,” she whispered. “The game is changed.” In one sure motion she pulled a single strand of hair from her head and let it fall into the fire. Green smoke hissed from the coals as a face appeared in the hearth. The ghostly visage of Ser Marke Penn, the Worm Knight, greeted her. READ MORE »

no such thing as too much money

This post brought to you by the Patty Dumpling Endowed Chair For Oil Spill Blogging And Insider Trading.

Sometimes we reach the end of the week and it is so hard to decide who the biggest asshole of the past seven days might have been. Was it the “performance artist” that thought it would be cool to attention whore by putting a backpack at the Boston Marathon finish line, thus bringing people to a terrified standstill yet again? How about the Missouri mayor who thought that the Kansas City shooter had some pretty neato ideas about Jews? Those guys were pretty terrible! But we have a dark horse late entry contender who might just win the week. People of Wonkette, we give you craven shitstain Keith A. Seilhan, the BP executive who dumped his BP stock after learning that the public was woefully misinformed about the extent of the spill because haha of course it was much worse.

READ MORE »

The most vicious attack everAs you can see, terrible no-goodnik and Friend of Wonkette Dan Savage is brutally attacking Christian Purity again, on the Twitters, by making fun of Professional Virgin Jill Duggar. Obviously, this makes him the biggest hypocrite ever, according to the 9 fulltime employees at Twitchy. Hey, Dan Savage! Stop sneering at virginity! READ MORE »

Quick! Get this resin to Dumbledore!As a gift to comedy, performance artist/Toronto Mayor Rob Ford announced Thursday night that he’s running for another term.

“I’m running on my record and my record is second to none,” Ford said at the Toronto Congress Centre. “I’m the most open hard-working mayor this city has ever had. I continue to pledge honesty and transparency.”

God Bless You, Mr. Ford. You’re no raasclat bumbaclot, man. READ MORE »

this here is a nice satirical picture

How much do you hate fake news sites like National Report, which serves only to get the gullible to recirculate poorly written “satire” as truth? All of the hate, right? This week, another of those sites, News Nerd, trotted out a story about Patti Labelle punching Aretha Franklin and now Aretha is suing. Go Aretha.

First, a part of the fake news story, which appears on a website that looks entirely like a real website until you scroll all the way down the page to find a brief “this is for entertainment purposes” disclaimer, except many people do not scroll down for that! Here’s the ill-written yet semi-realistic account of the LaBelle assault.

While Aretha Franklin was making her way to the stage, Labelle extended her hand to greet the “Respect” singer, when she threw epic shade in an effort to avoid her. [...]

Franklin was quickly struck [by LaBelle] with a Mayweather style right and left and stumbled backwards, landing awkwardly. Bystanders subdued Labelle and escorted her outside of the venue. Franklin suffered only minor injuries.

Labelle was quickly apprehended by the Atlanta Police Department and charged with assault and battery. She was released on a $10,000 bail and will appear in court on April 16th.

See? That does not really sound fake! It sounds like a 10th-grader wrote it, but it sounds like a real story.

READ MORE

History's 85,724th Greatest MonsterThe other day, we brought you the most serious scandal of the 2014 midterms so far: the revelation that in 2012, Al Franken held two small traffic cones to his chest as if they were boobies. After the story was broken by Dead Breitbart’s Internet Home for Incoherent Outraged Babbling, it made its way to the campaign office of one of the Republican candidates hoping to take on Franken in the fall, Minnesota state Sen. Julianne Ortman, who tossed it onto her FacePlace page with the accusation that Franken “doesn’t take women seriously.” Which is so very true, because in 1970-something he made a really dumb rape joke during an SNL writers’ meeting, which is the only thing you need to know about Al Franken and his attitudes toward women. Certainly nothing he’s done in the Senate — like his amendment banning the government from contracting with companies that try to keep women from pursuing rape cases, or his support for equal pay, or his support for stronger domestic violence protections — can ever make up for that. But yes, if you are offended by Franken’s misuse of traffic cones, sign the petition — which is, of course, just a link to get you on Ortman’s mailing list.

On the other hand, we suppose we agree that it’s not all that funny, but who knows what he was saying — it might have totally reframed the traffic-cones-as-boobs visuals in a brilliantly satirical ironic context. Clearly, an investigation is needed. READ MORE »

You guys, there is some serious UN-AMERICAN activity happening, and we bet you don’t know about it! According to Allen West on Fox & Friends, there is a secret Muslim plot in America to… wait for it… become politically organized in order to push for policies that are more friendly towards Muslims.

Now is the appropriate time to FREAK THE FUCK OUT. Seriously, freak out, dammit. What’s wrong with you? Why aren’t you freaking out! Did you not click on that video? Did you not see the graphic of “Islamic Extremism on the Rise,” with totally not-racist pictures of men in turbans wielding rocket-launchers? This threat will ruin American civilization and likely cause the death of all kittens, because it is THAT BAD. If your hands aren’t shaking too much, let’s scaresplore this threat to life, liberty, and religious freedom the American way.  READ MORE »

That's terrific.

Corporations are people, my friend, as John Roberts has previously pointed out. Chief Justice Roberts thinks those corporations’ shareholders should be able to demand disclosure of corporations’ political expenditures, and he’s pretty sure that companies will abide by their shareholders’ mandates, because what are you, a communist? So we cannot count how many times John Roberts must have uttered “Oh my stars and garters” with his pretty Harvard mouth after he read this report from Citizens for Responsibility and Ethics in Washington:

The report shows companies frequently are failing to disclose what they say they will. [...] In addition to the discrepancies in contribution amounts, CREW found some companies’ contributions to 527 organizations appeared to contradict their stated policies about political giving, published on their websites, in their corporate reports, and in proxy statements.

All of this gets very wonky very quickly, so if you don’t know the difference between a 527 and a 501(c)(4), let us Wonksplain at you: COMPANIES PROMISED TO TELL THEIR SHAREHOLDERS IF THEY GAVE ANY MONEY TO POLITICIANS, AND THEN THEY JUST LIED INSTEAD.

“Big deal,” you snark, “companies lie all the time!” Ah, correct! Your jaded worldview has won the Internet today, long may you reign. But here’s why this matters. READ MORE »

Yesterday our Glorious Leader Barack Obama (peace be upon him) took to the White House press room for a briefing with the inchoate brain stems that masquerade as the national media. We didn’t watch this because we have some pride and self-respect (also, we were drunk), but we understand that B. Barry Bamz first talked about the success of Obamacare, then mooned the Capitol before twisting CBS News correspondent Major Garrett’s head completely off his shoulders and shooting some hoops with it out on the White House basketball court.

Ha ha, we kid about Major Garrett. Severed heads are notoriously difficult to dribble. But the president did tout the success of Obamacare – eight million people have now signed up for insurance through the exchanges, exceeding the original projection by one million (and by two million the revised projection the CBO put out after the initial bungled rollout of Healthcare.gov last fall). It was a bit of a victory lap for Obama, and who can blame him after the five years of non-stop shrieking and bitching and spiteful obstruction he has encountered in his pursuit of cramming the tyranny of affordable health insurance down freedom-loving Americans’ throats?

Oh hi, Dana Perino. Would you like to whine like a five-year-old at bedtime? READ MORE »

right this way

Remember last year when it was getting to be close to Easter and the pope washed some feet of Muslim girls instead of good old Christian males, like god intended, and the Rick Santorum wing of the Catholic Church threw a temper tantrum about how Jesus would have never touched lady feet because Jesus? Buckle up, kids, ’cause it’s Eastertime again, and Pope Francis is washing some ladyfeet, even though some douchebag bishop won’t.

First, let’s talk about what type of feet the pope touched this year, shall we?

READ MORE »

"Now see here, dolly! Have you accepted the Lord Jesus Christ as your personal savior? He's aces!"Ah, the weekend. Time for yr Wonkette to get away from the computer and relax. Maybe drink some beers with friends or go hiking in the California sun or spark up a nice fat bowl of medicinal marijuana – we suffer from a chronic health condition our doctor has diagnosed as paralyzing existential anxiety with acute despair. Unfortunately our medicine has a particularly nasty side effect, according to an essay by Herman Cain’s web editor Dan Calabrese – it can also cause demonic infestation. We hope that’s nothing like the head lice we had once when we were a kid, because the medicinal shampoo we had to use for that sucked.

Take it away, not-at-all crazy person.

The use of mind-altering substance for “recreational” purposes puts a person at serious risk of demonic attack because what you’re doing is rejecting the natural chemicals God already put in your body as insufficient to satisfy you physically and emotionally.

What a killjoy. READ MORE »

moar like this plzWe love Wendy Davis. You love Wendy Davis. We and you want to do very sexy things to Wendy Davis, even the straight chicks. Unfortunately, even saying that is the kind of thing the Wendy Davis for Governor campaign would send out an OUTRAGED PRESS RELEASE ABOUT. Most of you don’t get Wendy Davis for Governor’s press releases. We are here to tell you they are terrible.

Wendy Davis’s campaign is trailing lightweight nothingburger Greg Abbott, hard. And they think the answer is to say LOOK AT THE BIG MEAN MEN THEY SAID UNLADYLIKE THINGS ABOUT A LADY.

Can you even imagine Ann Richards boo-hooing like that? She’d laugh in their goddamn faces, her French manicure (we assume) digging straight to their nuts.

Hell, can you imagine Sarah Palin boo-hooing like that? Fuck, you’re being a worse candidate than Sarah Palin.

COME ON.

Wendy Davis for Governor staff, “poor me” only works if you are a Republican. Toughen up buttercup. READ MORE »