Such fair many balance

Dog The Bounty Hunter Not Crazy Enough For Fox News, Sadface!

It’s not really 2016 yet, but so far, things are not looking good for the GOP. They’ve already lost this proud teabagger because he loves his Obamacare a whole lot and doesn’t want Republicans to take it away from him, and now they’ve lost Duane Chapman, better known as Dog the Bounty Hunter. On Friday’s “Outnumbered” — the Fox News show by ladies, for ladies, with one special guest star token penis, for fairness and balance and [insert ...
  Keep Watching The Skies!

Chemtrail Loons Yell At Arizona Congressman For Not Being Total Dipsh*t

The truth is out there. Very, very far out there
Here’s how nutso the Chemtrail People are: they’re actually too crazy for a Tea Partier, Arizona Republican congresscritter Paul Gosar, DDS, who got yelled at by an assortment of chemtrail enthusiasts at Monday’s meeting of the Conservative Republican Club of Kingman. Kingman appears to be a hotbed of Chemtrail Trutherdom, as we’ve reported before. The wingnuts in the audience were not pleased by Gosar’s complete denial of the international weather modification ...
  yes but does he eat arugula?

New York Times Very Concerned Jeb Bush Isn’t A Gross Enough Fatty To Be President

The New York Times is such a lovable whackjob sometimes. They apparently are having all kinds of fun doing profiles of the GOP presidential candidates! Wednesday, we learned that smug prick Ted Cruz was also a smug prick when he was in college, and that he gets all defensive when you make jokes about him. Today, it is Jeb Bush’s turn. What jewels of knowledge does the Times have for us, about Jeb? Oh, just that he really wants to be president, but he can’t because he’s not ...
  Kochsplaining

Koch Brothers Explain Bible To Pope. Thanks, Koch Brothers!

He'll see reason OR ELSE
While most of the world is trying to figure out what to do about this whole climate change thing before it’s too late and we are all OOPS! dead, the concerned citizens at the completely objective Heartland Institute, which happens to be funded by the also very objective Koch brothers, are looking out for more important things, like teaching Pope Francis that God loves pollution: “The Holy Father is being misled by ‘experts’ at the United Nations who have proven unworthy of his trust,” ...
  Would You Like Phlegm With That?

Minnesota Republicans Solve Pressing Problem Of Waitresses Making Too Much Money

We'd forgotten that Vic Tayback was in the movie, too...
The Republican-controlled Minnesota House of Representatives passed a nice fuck-the-poors bill Wednesday. The bill would cut the minimum wage for workers who make at least $4 an hour in tips, to Save Jobs, and also maybe because the state’s restaurant industry lobbied heavily for the bill. To save jobs, dontcha know. Then they probably made a Hillary-at-Chipotle joke, which is all the rage with Republicans these days. The bill’s author, Rep. Pat Garofalo, said the lower minimum ...
  it's called "fair taxation"

You Won’t Believe How Kansas Is Paying For Rich People’s Tax Cuts (Unless You’re Not Dumb)

If he has to pay more taxes, it won't be so good to be the king anymore :(
Kansas is on a roll this month, if by “on a roll,” you mean “wow, it seems like they come up with a new way to screw poor people every single day!” What are they doing now? Oh, just trying to get poor people to pay for all the tax cuts rich people have been enjoying for several years now. Those tax cuts were, of course, supposed to make Kansas grow and thrive, but because that doesn’t actually work anywhere besides Ronald Reagan’s dead butthole, Kansas ...
  What will the medal say?

Montana Lawyers Honor Judge Who Said Slutty Teen Rape Victim Was Asking For It, Just Because

Bestest judge EVER!
You would think, after the Montana Supreme Court censured and suspended District Judge G. Todd Baugh for issuing one of the most despicable orders to a convicted rapist ever, that would be the last we’d hear about Judge Baugh. But nope, the Yellowstone Area Bar Association has decided he deserves a lifetime achievement award after 30 years on the bench — from which he had to resign in disgrace by retiring that year. In case you’ve succeeded in bleaching that horror show ...
  This will be just great

Disgraced Colorado Rep. Gordon Klingenschmitt Will Hunt Demons In State Senate

Next he will be governor, then president, and after that king of the universe!
Colorado state Rep. Gordon “disgraced former Navy chaplain” Klingenschmitt, who is one of yr Wonkette’s favorites, has been in the Colorado House for a whole five minutes or so, and in that time he’s made a mark! Most recently, he was in the news because he went on his Funtime Afternoon Jesus Video Program and said that a truly gruesome attack on a pregnant woman happened because God hates ‘bortion so much, so he, in his infinite omniscient wisdom, sure showed ...
  Vendetta? What Vendetta?

Of Course Joe Arpaio Sent A Private Dick After A Federal Judge’s Wife. He’s Sheriff Joe!

He IS Justice!
Here’s one way to tell that maybe your contempt of court hearing isn’t going your way: When the judge in your case asks if you hired a private investigator to look into that judge’s wife, and you have to admit that, well, yes, but only because you’re a paranoid creep who always investigates his political enemies. It’s not like Maricopa County Sheriff Joe Arpaio was singling out U.S. District Court Judge G. Murray Snow or anything. Things took a weird turn ...
  that’s not very nice

Maine Republicans Want To Cure Infertility, Unless You Had A Disease In Your Filthy Vagina

Everyone woman should have babies except not
Some fellas in the Maine legislature think it would be nice if health insurance covered infertility treatment for ladies what want to have babies but cannot. So the state’s Republican Senate Majority Leader Garrett Mason has introduced S.P. 334, An Act To Provide Access to Infertility Treatment so infertility treatment will be more affordable. That’s sweet of him! Testifying before the Committee on Insurance and Financial Services earlier this month, Sen. Mason explained why he ...
  that’s not very nice

Ted Cruz Doesn’t Like Gays, Does Like Their Money

Just being a good Christian
Ted Cruz has made his position on gays quite clear: He’s against ‘em. His record of opposition to equality is extensive because if they want to be treated like human beings, they can just choose to Don’t Be Gay. He’s even called for a constitutional amendment to prevent the Supreme Court from ruling on marriage equality cases. When asked by radio host Hugh Hewitt whether he’d attend a gay wedding, he confessed that he’d never been invited to one ...
  nice time!

Sorry Nutbags, Even AZ’s Hard-Right Gov Thinks Keeping Foster Kids From Gay Homes Is Dick Move

We're fine with gay adoptions, but not with naming innocent children 'Arwen'
Is there a tinfoil hat shortage in Arizona? Republican Gov. Doug Ducey issued an executive order Wednesday rescinding a Department of Child Safety policy prohibiting legally married same-sex couples from adopting children or becoming foster parents, bringing actual state policy into line with a pledge Ducey had made last week to encourage more adoptions, regardless of whether adoptive parents were gay or straight. In fact, Ducey was downright testy when he found out that the agency even had ...
  Hmmmm is something ELSE happening in 2016?

GOP Will Release Benghazi Report In 2016 To Help Hillary Clinton, Obviously

Rep. Trey Gowdy (R-Benghazi!!111!) went on the Fox News Greta Van Susteren program and dropped a surprising bombshell about the House’s top secret investigation into Benghazi:  The report probably won’t be released until 2016, right smack in the middle of the election. Huh! Gowdy says it’s silly to suggest the GOP-controlled committee is doing this to try to hurt Hillary Clinton, because “[t]hat assumes the report would be critical of [Clinton] and I don’t make that ...
  Grrrrrl power

North Carolina Will Make You Wait For That Abortion Until You Realize You Don’t Want It

It's for your own good!
Chicks, amirite? So hormonal and impulsive and never knowing what they really want. That’s why they are lucky to have the North Carolina General Assembly to protect them from making bad decisions, with HB 465 — a bill to extend the state’s 24-hour waiting period for abortions to 72 hours, which passed on Thursday. Because really, is one day enough time to realize you don’t want to kill your baby? Probably not. State Rep. Jacqueline Schaffer (R-As if you didn’t ...
  Just Don't Shout 'I AM Justice!' At Your Swearing-In

Loretta Lynch Confirmed; Eric Holder Can Finally Take This Job And Shove It

Still claims not to be Eric Holder, reportedly has not yet died of old age
Congratulations, Loretta Lynch! You have been confirmed as Attorney General, and it only took 166 days, which, as a student of History, you may be interested to know, is much longer than the entire lifespan of quite a few independent nations. Only two other Attorneys General took longer to confirm (Edwin Meese, under Ronald Reagan, and A. Mitchell Palmer, under Woodrow Wilson). Thank goodness, though, the Senate finally passed that human trafficking bill that had absolutely nothing to do ...
  this will totally work

Rep. Steve King Shows Gay Supreme Court Who Is The Very Straight Boss Of Them

Jesus
Rep. Steve King has introduced a completely new and different bill to stop the Supreme Court from forcing gay marriage on these United States in June. It is called the “Restrain the Judges on Marriage Act of 2015,” and it would make a law that says, whoops, sorry, if a case has “G-A-Y” and “marriage” in the title, judges aren’t allowed to hear it: “For too long, federal courts have overstepped their constitutionally limited duty to interpret the ...
  Authentic sovereign gibberish

Sovereign Citizen Lady Is Citizen … OF OUR HEARTS!

As sovereign as you get
Meet Tamah Jada Clark, a “Floridian-American” sovereign citizen who brought a whole new meaning to “swearing before the court” when she recently filed an obscenity-filled court document titled “Notice: To F*ck This Court and Everything that it Stands For” after a judge dismissed a lawsuit that she’d filed. Clark had claimed that her civil rights were violated five years ago when she was arrested in a failed attempt to break her boyfriend out of prison. ...
  Save us Democrats you're our only hope

Senate Republicans Introduce Bill To Protect Obamacare From Senate Republicans

Poor Republicans
Obamcare is SO bad and SO unpopular and SO epic fail, and that is why the American people have been looking to the GOP all these years to save them from the awful thing. And now Senate Republicans have a plan to do just that — with a bill to protect Obamacare: The legislation, offered by Sen. Ron Johnson (R-WI), one of the most politically vulnerable Senate incumbents in 2016, would maintain the federal HealthCare.gov subsidies at stake in King v. Burwell through the end of August ...
  Again? Yes again

Rand Paul’s Jerk Son Just Can’t Stop Getting Arrested For Drunken Hijinks!

William's on a first-name basis with the law now
Rand Paul’s son, Young Master William Hilton Heir of Rand And Ron Paul, has a bit of a problem. He just can’t stop getting drunk when he is not supposed to. Like, when he is underage. Or driving a vehicle (which is not evenly properly insured, but pfffft, the Paul family thinks mandatory insurance is bullshit anyway): According to the citation, Lexington police found Paul at 11:24 a.m. sitting in the driver’s seat of a maroon 2006 Honda Ridgeline that had collided with a ...
  Look! More Science To Ignore!

No, Vaccines Are Not ‘Raping’ Your Children, Says Science

Or not.
Rejoice! A new study shows that even among children who are at a higher risk for autism, getting vaccinated against childhood illnesses isn’t linked to autism. In the face of clear scientific evidence like that, you’ve pretty much got to expect that the anti-vaxxers will now just say, “Oh, man, were we ever wrong!” and quietly go away, possibly borne on a magic carpet carried by flying pigs. Still, even though it will probably only be persuasive to people who already ...
  Letters from a jilted lover

Bobby Jindal Is Being Bullied By The Gaywads, And He’s Not Gonna Take It Anymore!

Dang, still looks nothing like him.
Bobby Jindal, wingnut governor of Louisiana, is whining in a very public way. Why? Gays. Where? The New York Times. Jindal has penned an op-ed to let everybody know that, unlike those Republican pussies in Arkansas and Indiana, who caved to the unholy alliance of Big Business and Big Sodomy and signed watered-down Religious Freedom Restoration Acts (RFRA’s, as the kids call them on Snapchat) that don’t explicitly allow people with Sincerely Held Religious Beliefs to discriminate ...
  She's also ready to be Madam President

Carly Fiorina Will Win White House With Her Record Of Success. Also, Her Vagina

She's a 'winner'
If you are an American who would love to see a woman in the White House, even though you do not care about gender because you just want the best man for the job even if he’s a lady, good news! You do not have to vote for Hillary Clinton after all because Republican Woman Carly Fiorina (R-Woman) is officially ready to be The Other Woman, for Republicans: Carly Fiorina plans to launch her presidential campaign on May 4, in an online announcement that dispenses with the pageantry that ...