Look Back In Angerbear

WND Spills Blood, Tears, Jizz In Exit Interview With Michele Bachmann

All New big-format corndog for maximum Bachmann crazy
Now that Michele Bachmann has said a God-filled farewell to the House of Representatives, she’s also doing a valedictory tour of rightwing media, or at least WorldNetDaily. It is titled — we swear we are not making this up — “GOP Legend Quits Congress With Message For ...
  It's so crazy it just might work

Genius Independent Panel Recommends Secret Service Not Suck So Much

New beefed up security plan for the White House
Hey, remember how the Secret Service has been kind of sucking at doing its job of keeping uninvited guests from jumping the White House fence and walking right through the front door like it’s no big? In November, the White House conducted its own obviously biased investigation to figure ...
  wonkette would never report this if he were a democrat

Pervy Convict Legislator Wants Virginia To Remove The Taint From His Seat

Competition is heating up for Wonkette’s Legislative Shitmuffin of the Year award. Today’s featured contender: Joseph Dee Morrissey, recently resigned member of the Virginia House of Delegates and “descendant of John Morrissey, a 19th-century U.S. Congressman and one-time ...
  Rick Santorum Saw This Coming

Do Not Click On This Story About Rumored CIA-Detainee Rape By Dogs. Really, Don’t.

No, they didn't, did they?
We’re not sure what’s more depressing about this story alleging that CIA torture contractors may have used dogs to rape detainees in Afghanistan: The possibility that it happened, our realization that the CIA hasn’t given us any reason to think they’d never stoop to such ...
  Won’t someone please think of the white people?

Daily Caller: Never Forget That Black Lady Who Used To Be Blackness Czar Racisted A White General, With Racism

The REAL racists, obviously
Hot on the heels of the Helter-Skelter-provoking interview with Barack and Michelle Obummer in People magazine, in which they had the uppityness to claim that maybe being black maybe isn’t always a sunshine-and-daisies walk in the park in U.S. America, the always-sincere-and-genuine ...
  Gun Radio: A Radio Show For Guns

George Zimmerman: Be Sure To Buy Your ‘Killing Unarmed Black Kids’ Insurance!

Ready for all comers
George Zimmerman has a lot of free time. His notoriety prevents him from seeking conventional employment, evidently, and he got fired from his last unpaid gig in that the owner of the gun shop he was lurking behind at night for security told him to stop it already. Plus there’s that price ...
  A Loofah Under Every Tree

How is Bill O’Reilly Ruining Christmas This Year?

Fuck this guy. Seriously, fuck this guy.
Gather ’round, Wonketeers, because today we’re dropping not one but two Bill O’Reilly-shaped turds in yr stockings — it’s a Festivus miracle! We begin with O’Reilly’s remarks on Late Night with Seth Meyers. We won the war on Christmas. We won, alright? And ...
  Smoke your medicine

Colorado Is Gonna Smoke All The Marijuana — For Science!

It's for SCIENCE
Now that every single person in Colorado is hiiiiiiiigh on the reefer — except for lawyers; no weed for you, esquires — the state is going to invest your hard-earned pot dollars in scientific research to find out just how freakin’ awesome medical marijuana really is: Colorado ...
  The Forever War On Christmas

Hero Michigan Legislator Will Save Baby Jesus From Satan, Stuffed Snake

That's pretty festive
In Lansing, Michigan, pearls were clutched and couches were fainted upon when the First Amendment performance artists at the Satanic Temple announced they’d be setting up a holiday display at the Capitol building. As usual, the Satanic Temple folks submitted their application for a ...
  These Are The Good Times

Make Barbecue Sauce From Ketchup Dregs, Garrison Keillor Can Shove Mellowing Agents Up His Ass

You need to relax. Being a religious NPR listener, you grab the ketchup. Not much is in the bottle, and it has separated to the point that it needs to be shaken to combine. When you do that, it’s spread out over the interior surface on the bottle, and you cannot squeeze out a satisfactory ...
  Beck Like Me

Glenn Beck Is Sick And Tired Of All This Racism Against Glenn Beck

The real victim, as usual
Guys, we don’t know if this is further evidence of Glenn Beck’s broken brain, or if it’s just in the script, or maybe yes all of the above. But it’s classic Glenn Beck, in that it sure seems like his brain is broken. Apparently, we are not the only ones who read the ...
  Your Morning Maddow

Morning Maddow: Welcome To Your New Cyber-War With North Korea, Maybe (Video)

Have you been following the probably-North Korean cyberattack on Sony Pictures, with the attendant releases of stolen emails and bizarre threats? We have, some, and although we aren’t particularly worried about what Scott Rudin said about Angelina Jolie, and have no desire to download a ...
  Keep The 'Ha' In Hanukkah

Massachusetts Official Keeps Christ In Jewish Christmas

Deck the halls with boughs of challa
Forget the War on Christmas. 2014 is the year of the War on Hanukkah. First there was the discovery of Scott Walker’s long ago “Molotov” holiday wish, and then we had Rick Perry’s bizarre comparison of the Boston Tea Party to the Maccabees, and then Tuesday, on the first ...
  what comes around goes around

Murder Is Illegal (Even In Montana)

Kaarma Is A Bitch
A Missoula, Montana jury found Markus Kaarma guilty of deliberate homicide, just for killing German exchange student Diren Dede in a carefully laid trap. Even though he used a gun, like a good American Patriot™, AND the kid was ON HIS PROPERTY (CASTLE DOCTRINE! ARGLE BARGLE!). We understand if ...
  You Didn't Bill-O That

Bill O’Reilly: Elizabeth Warren Will Seize The Means Of Production And Execute The Kulaks

Watch the latest video at video.foxnews.com Bill O’Reilly was in fine form Tuesday night, addressing the horrors that might result if Elizabeth Warren somehow became President of the United States. You see, if the mildly progressive centrist Barack Obama is a flaming socialist, which he ...
  he also has many leather-bound books

Cool Conservative Judge Slaps Down Immigration Reform With Stuff He Read On Twitter

Judge Schwab issues his ruling.
It has been only a few weeks since our Glorious Leader, the Sun in the Eastern Sky, Generalissimo Barack Obama, threw open our borders to the mongrel hordes of non-Americans desperate to come to our country and pick our vegetables for a dollar a day. Luckily, we have brave people in our ...
  Legitimate Legislating

Missouri State Rep: Ladies, Get Your Abortion Permission Slips From The Dudes What Knocked You Up

Missouri State Rep. Rick Brattin is a dedicated foot soldier in the war against abortion. It must stick in his craw that the state still has one clinic performing the procedure in St. Louis, despite Brattin and his fellow Republicans in the legislature bombarding it with new restrictions at ...
  Nasty vile little snark mob take two

Hey What Happened To My Comments (Which Wonkette Has Never Allowed)?

Really, did the Bats episode need a song? It did not need a song.
Some of you are writing in all like “WAAAH I AM NOT ALLOWED TO COMMENT AT WONKETTE, HOME FAMOUS WORLD OF ASSFUCKING AND DICK JOKES!” You would like to know if you have been banned? Well, obviously the answer is of course you have. The other answer is “oh, been using Adblocker ...
  It's A Dicktember Miracle!

Inconceivably, Ducky-Pajamas-Wearing Texas Congressman Has Been Accused Of Sexual Harrassment

It was Halloween. It means nothing. Really.
Texas Congresscritter Blake Farenthold is a real peach. He was elected to the House in 2010, flirted with birtherism,, explained that Ebola was probably going to kill us all because that’s how it works in zombie movies, and has frequently suggested that Congress could totally impeach ...
  la ciudad mi corazon

Our Man In Havana

Due to today’s stunning news that Barack Obama will have the greatest lameduck in history and normalize relations with Cuba — or cede control of the US to Fidel Castro and Nikita Kruschev — we offer you a story we wrote some years ago. We think it’s pretty. Semper Fidel ...
  Obama Seeks Kennedyesque Image; Will Call It 'Cuber'

Fidel Castro Is Your New President, America!

Thought about 'shopping Obama's face in there, but nahhh
The Obama administration announced today what it calls the most significant changes in 50 years to American policy toward Cuba, including the normalization of diplomatic relations, increased trade and easier travel, and a review of Cuba’s listing as a state sponsor of terrorism. But no, ...
  It’s like they think they’re black or something

Racist Obamas Try To Start Race War On Whitey By Talking About Being Black

always talking about race all the time
Ugh, the so-called “first family” is trying to start a race war — again! Like it’s not bad enough that President Obama is always injecting race into statements about how if he had a black son, his son would be black, which serves no purpose other than inciting White ...