Celebrities! They're just like us! They have nipples!

A Thoughtful Soliloquy On Miley Cyrus, Her Nipples, And Also Donald Trump’s Nipples

Haha, made you click, we don’t have a “thoughtful soliloquy” to share with you. OR DO WE? Let’s give it a whirl. Miley Cyrus went on the Jimmy Kimmel teevee fun hour and, as usual, she was all nekkid. But of course, her nipples were covered! Because, as she explained to Jimmy Kimmel, who was doing his very best to keep his eyes somewhere near her face, America has a weird problem with the nipples, at least on ladies! Oh sure, boys are allowed to walk around shirtless ...
  Amateur Nouns Not Even Mentioned

Oh Great, Now Even The Southerns Are Gender Fluid

Ah, Sinfest, we love you
It’s the first week of school at many colleges, which means it’s time for another round of panic about socialist liberal indoctrination and threats to America and all that stuff. Take, for example, this “What are those crazy eggheads saying now?” piece from Knoxville’s local TV station WATE, expressing wonderment at the University of Tennessee’s decision to encourage teachers and students to consider using gender-neutral using gender-neutral pronouns: The ...

So Lame How CNN Won’t Let Carly Fiorina Be President Already

Remember, you guys, when we guesstimated Carly Fiorina was not one of the hopping-so-mad second-tier Republican candidates who anonymously baby-cried to POLITICO that Fox News made them sit at the kids’ table and not get to do real prime time debating with Donald Trump and the other grown-ups? Well, that sure was a stupid of us, because check it, Fiorina IS mad (even though she’s like, “Nah, I’m not mad,” but she totally is) that CNN is also saying she is not a ...
  That we know of

The Seven Best Times Jeb Bush Embarrassed His Mother This Week

Just Jeb!
Oh, that Jeb Bush! He is literally THE WORST at running for president of America. It’s like his entire life, he’s been living in the shadow of his dad and his brother, and he’s just really tired of how every single time he walks in the front door of the Kennebunkport manse, his mother Barbara drops her polite demeanor, stands up on the dining room table and starts flapping her arms yelling “LOSER! LOSER! SHOULDA BEEN AN ABORTION!” And Jeb’s all like ...
  Working Out Pretty Well For Them

George W. Bush In New Orleans: Heckuva Job, Myself!

    George W. Bush returned to the scene of the crime Friday, speaking briefly at a high school that had been flooded during Hurricane Katrina 10 years ago. You will be astonished that his remarks were utterly devoid of self-reflection or regret. After all, why would he need to regret anything that happened in New Orleans? But he did say he’d learned at least one lesson from the decade following Katrina: We need to privatize public education. At least he didn’t spoil ...

Peggy Noonan Talked To Guy Who Works At A Deli And Now Donald Trump Is President

Normally she hated August, that dull end-of-summer month when the heat and humidity turned her beloved New York City into a sweltering abattoir of rancid piles of garbage and demolished dreams. When the light at the end of the tunnel was the reflection off the Freedom Tower frying pedestrians on the sidewalk. When the bartenders at her favorite saloons sweated more than the bottles. But this August had been saved by the energy of one Donald Trump, the leading candidate to be the next ...
  Robot sausage party

Ashley Madison Cheater Wannabes Mostly Just Sexting With Robots And Josh Duggar

If you were lucky enough to sext with an actual human on Ashley Madison, maybe this was your girlfriend!
So here is some news you can use, which will shock and awe you right to your core, if you are A Idiot. All the HEY LADIES on the Ashley Madison website? Fake. Fake fake fake fake fake. FAKE! Like, if you are a dude, and you got on the internet and were like, “Oh boy howdy, I am going to do adultery against my wife tonight,” what actually happened is you fapped your dick furiously looking at profiles that were fake, but you don’t know that, because you are dumb. Also, too, ...
  Get Your Bingo Cards Out

Gays, Abortions, Blacks, Oh My! Your Virginia Shooting Tragedy Bingo

Oh, fine. Begin the recitation of stupidity.
Wonder why bad things happen to good people? We’ve been scanning the dregs of the wingnuttosphere since Roanoke TV journalists Alison Parker and Adam Ward were shot to death while doing a routine interview Wednesday, and you’ll be astonished at the range of reasons it happened. Or you might be astonished, if you’re new to our great nation and its insane politics. Welcome to America! Here, you’ll want this flak jacket. So why did this terrible thing happen? ...
  deep thoughts

Sarah Palin Says Donald Trump Is Jesus, Basically

We already know Donald Trump makes Sarah Palin so moist in her granny panty g-string, because of how he is a hero, a gen-u-ine hero just like John McCain, only without the going to war. And we know that Donald Trump thinks Sarah is “tough and smart and just a great woman,” and he’d like to tap her in her moosehole — metaphorically, of course — and let her be the Secretary of Quittin’ Stuff, or maybe even scrawl her name in lipstick on his ballot to be his ...
  Not that anyone's surprised

Planned Parenthood Sting Videos Are Full Of Bullcrap. No, Even MORE Bullcrap.

Are we still talking about Planned Parenthood stealing baby parts from your lady cave, in the dead of night, to sell on Amazon? (Order with Prime and have it by tomorrow!) Yes, we are, groan and growl and MANY EXPLETIVES! So fine. Let’s do this. Because “pro-life” boo-hooers are still (still!) claiming there are these videos that show Planned Parenthood doing evil Nazi crime things to babies, for fun and profit and bowel movements and chuckles. Is it bullcrap? You know it ...
  Read to find out which one!

John Boehner Said A Swear About Ted Cruz!

Dirty mouth!
The orange man who is the boss of the House of Representatives opened his orange face at a Colorado fundraiser and out came a cuss! And, boy howdy, we agree with him for once. He said the “J” word about Ted Cruz! Speaker of the House John Boehner stunned audience members Wednesday evening at a Colorado fundraiser by referring to Republican presidential candidate Ted Cruz as a “jackass,” two people in attendance tell The Daily Caller. At a Steamboat Springs event for GOP Rep. ...
  Ain't gonna work no way no how

Let’s Go To Rehab With Josh Duggar And Learn How To Give Our Penises To Jesus

Duggar's looking forward to the laying on of hands part.
Once upon a time, a teenage boy called Josh Duggar got in BIG trouble with his fundamentalist Christian mom and dad, for sticking his fingers inside his sisters, so they sent him to a big city called Little Rock, where a “family friend” could teach him not to do that anymore, through professional counseling doing manual labor and talking about Jesus a whole bunch. And it worked! (They say.) Josh Duggar never diddled a family member again! (That we know of.) And when he was ...
  Resign Already

Screw You Guys, Gov. Paul LePage Gonna Go Be A Senator Now

Stupider things have happened
Maine Gov. Paul LePage has apparently not been paying attention to all the mail requesting that he resign, but he does at least have some thoughts about leaving office eventually. Like maybe he’ll run for the U.S. Senate in 2018 against mustache model and independent Sen. Angus King, a thought that LePage had floated before, only to proclaim that he was joking. But maybe this time he’s serious. Or MAYBE HE’S “JOKING” AGAIN, you simply cannot tell with Paul ...
  Profiles in Courage

Donald Trump Takes Bold Stand Against Hitler

Would ya check out the big beautiful balls on this guy? No wonder Republicans love Donald Trump for being willing to make with the tough talk that all those other “gutless” candidates are too afraid of: Trump has already secured the Latino vote, by demonstrating how he will deport all of them to Mexico, though the American kind will be allowed to pass back through a special door in his beautiful Trump Wall, “because we want the legals to come back into the country.” ...
  Acquitted Child Killer Says What?

George Zimmerman Opposes Racist Hate Crimes Now, Hooray!

He thinks good
You have probably been wondering, ever since the horrible news broke yesterday, “Say! What does unemployable child-killer George Zimmerman think about the unspeakable killings of two young television journalists in Virginia? I am looking forward to his insights!” Happily, Mr. Zimmerman obliged a world that was waiting for his opinions on the matter, and took to the Tweetosphere, that we might all drink deeply of his wisdom. You will be astonished to learn that Mr. Zimmerman ...
  When the levee breaks Jindal will still be A Idiot

Bobby Jindal Begs Obama Not To Say Dumb Climate Change Stuff On Katrina Anniversary

Obama probably shouldn't mention weather either.
Big anniversary happening on Saturday! Ten years ago, Hurricane Katrina made landfall in Louisiana, and the storm and the levee breaches it caused altered the course of history for New Orleans and surrounding areas. And, as governor of Louisiana, Bobby Jindal knows the city is in danger again, this time from that foreigner president of ours. What if Obama gallivants into New Orleans and says, “Climate change is real,” or “Science exists,” or “Bobby Jindal is a ...