Look, would all you lamepants lamers in the lamestream media just stop obsessing about that dumb plane with the Dutchmen on it, and those dumb brown children, and pay attention to something important, like whether Michele Bachmann will run for president again on her popular “What About Me?” platform. Real Clear Politics actually asked old Crazy Eyes whether she planned another run, which she took as a signal to whine about how no one is talking about her possible presidential aspirations:
“The only thing that the media has speculated on is that it’s going to be various men that are running … They haven’t speculated, for instance, that I’m going to run. What if I decide to run? And there’s a chance I could run.”
Yeah, guys. She really might run. She’s not saying she’s gonna run for sure, but she might. Really. A run for president. By 2012 Presidential Candidate Michele Bachman. Who ran for president once, and may again. Why aren’t people talking about that, huh? It’s because you all hate conservative women, you haters. READ MORE »
A group of Constitution-loving patriots from Come And Take It Dallas — not the more familiar Open Carry Texas — gathered in Dallas’s Dealey Plaza, near the grassy knoll, on July 19 (the narrator keeps saying it’s “June 19,” but it’s July) to celebrate the Second Amendment and to grouse about foreigners, who are foreign and don’t understand America or freedom. They recorded a video of themselves saying about nine million times that they aren’t going to give up their guns no matter what. Also, they will not give up their guns no matter what, and in addition they will not give up their guns no matter what. It’s not entirely clear what their message was, really. READ MORE »
Scott Brown, that pretty fella who used to be Massachusetts’s junior senator till he got his ass war-whooped by one Mrs. Perfesser Elizabeth Warren, has some thoughts on that terrible Halbig decision yesterday, the one by the DC Court of Appeals that said “why yes, Republican governors may singlehandedly fuck Obamacare, right in the ear,” because some douche didn’t want to pay $216 a year for health insurance. And if one douche doesn’t want to pay $216 a year for health insurance, then nobody gets to pay $216 a year for health insurance. That is just how lawsuits work. So, reacting to this dumbfuck decision — but not the one by the Fourth Circuit court a few hours later that was like “lol DC Court of Appeals drank too many childhood vaccines again” — what thoughts are swimming behind Brown’s dreamy eyes? That the Democrats just took away your health insurance. This is what we in the business call “Scott Brown, go sit on a dick.” READ MORE »
From our “You’ve got to be effing kidding me” stringer at Bloomberg Businessweek comes this story of insurance companies behaving badly in a Michigan case: After a paralyzed man was hit by an SUV while crossing a street with his mobility scooter, two insurance companies are claiming that since the man’s scooter was uninsured, they shouldn’t have to pay any damages for his injuries. Also, since this isn’t quite bizarre enough, no insurers in Michigan actually offer vehicle insurance for mobility scooters. Who’s the law firm here, Yossarian, Cathcart and Scheisskopf? READ MORE »
Here’s a very edgy and forward-thinking editorial video from the NRA’s Billy Johnson, explaining that we need to change the way we think about guns. After all, since guns are something that everyone in America needs, we should treat them exactly like education, public recreation, and jobs, and make them a government priority, not something government tries to suppress. It’s a fascinating “what if” that sounds like something a first-year composition teacher might receive from a student who spent all night doing “bong hits” and “rapping” with a roommate at Liberty University. If America were really serious about living up to its ideals, he says, it would promote guns, and have a gun policy that’s “driven by our need for guns.” Now, you may think you do not need a gun, but that is because you are Not American. READ MORE »
Okay, so, birth control. It’s this, like, medication-type thing, right? Like Advil for your aches and pains. Or aspirin so you don’t stroke out or have a heart attack. Or Flintstones vitamins so you grow up big and strong enough to turn a dinosaur into a car. Or Viagra so when you and your bros jet off to the Dominican Republic to bang some prostitutes, your floppy flaccid dick actually gets hard, but of course you have the prescription filled in someone else’s name because HELLO, when it comes to sex pills, you are all, like, I want “to PROTECT MY PRIVACY, given the potential embarrassing nature of Viagra.” Understandable, of course, because when you’re popping sex pills, it’s sort of no one’s business, right, RUSH LIMBAUGH? (Yes, that was an actual quote from the actual Rush Limbaugh. Feel free to mock that FOREVER.)
Anyway, birth control is pretty much like that. It is a medication type thing that some women (basically all women, like 99 percent of them) use in a medication type way for medical type reasons, such as, for example, endometriosis, which is extremely painful and can be treated with birth control. Such as also for example not wanting to grow a baby inside your body, which can be avoided with birth control. Such as also too for example you are getting married and then going on a fabulous two-week honeymoon to a five-star hotel on the beach, and you do NOT want to be a crampy, bloody, bloated bridezilla, so you’d like to skip it altogether please, which is possible with birth control. Stuff like that.
Sarah Palin got into a bit of a whoopsie-daisy in Wasilla, Alaska, recently: TMZ says she got caught doing 63 mph in a 45 zone, and was hit with a $154 ticket, which she’ll probably charge to her super PAC as travel expenses. Palin joked to TMZ, “I wasn’t speeding, I was qualifying,” possibly for the big Methtown 300. READ MORE »
Brian Kilmeade got a GOTCHA on some dumb Texas “sheriff,” when he played 911 tapes of illegal immigrants calling the police for help with stupid things like “not dying.”
“So those calls, you have to respond to, even though for the most part, when you get there you realize, they’re not even American citizens?” Kilmeade asked incredulously, after introducing the calls with the reminder that the people calling in extremis “have no business being here.” Kilmeade then looked surprised by the sheriff’s answer, which was basically, “well, yeah, they’re on American soil, what are you, some kind of a dick?” READ MORE »
Oh, those fun-loving merry tricksters from “Operation Save America!” Last Sunday, the little scamps invaded a Unitarian church to interrupt the service and yell the Gospel at the congregation. And they continued to let the Grim Times roll in New Orleans Tuesday, staging a public “wake” for what they claimed was an actual aborted fetus in an open coffin. Because there is absolutely nothing too weird for these people, except of course letting women make their own decisions about pregnancy. READ MORE »
You probably remember Sandra Fluke. She’s the nice young lady who testified to Congress about how birth control is sometimes used by people to regulate their polycystic ovary syndrome or whatever, and so Rush Limbaugh went fucking nuts, calling her a slut (for a week) and saying if he was going to pay for her birth control (we guess Rush Limbaugh does not really understand how insurance works?), she had a duty to produce a spank tape for him. It was not Rush Limbaugh’s finest hour.
Well, now there is a lady, and she is a licensed clinical psychologist, although — oddly! — her website does not list any of her training or her schooling or her specialties except that she will psychologize your kids, which you should probably hop on, and can testify about forensic clinical psychologist stuff in four states, and those four states really might want to look into that, because this lady, well, she is a treat! She thinks Gloria Steinem is making Illuminati hand signs everywhere, and that Nancy Pelosi is here to murder all the grandbabies (that one is just obvious), and oh, so many thoughts about Sandra Fluke’s “All-American, Totalitarian” vagina. Still. READ MORE »
Just because there’s almost no story that couldn’t stand to get a little uglier, McDonalds has gone and fired Debra Harrell, the woman who was arrested last week for letting her 9-year-old daughter go play in a park unattended during Harrell’s shift at McDonalds. (As you recall, a helpful citizen called the police after talking to the girl and finding out she was alone.) The company wouldn’t say why Harrell had been fired, saying that discussing the matter would be “inappropriate.” Why, yes, you may wish to spit McMuffin chunks at your computer monitor now. READ MORE »
On Fox News recently, John McCain told Howard Kurtz that Jon Stewart was unfair to Republicans, but that it didn’t matter because Stewart is merely one of those lying late-night comedians:
“When he says things that are absolutely wrong he gets away with it … It is what it is. I frankly have no beef with late night comedians who make fun of politicians. That’s the nature of the business.”
Well Jon Stewart will not let this aggression stand, man.
Well this is embarrassing, or would be if hucksters had any shame: JZ Knight, the New Age goofball who was briefly big on the woo-woo circuit when she claimed she could “channel” the thoughts of a “35,000-year-old warrior” named “Ramtha,” is trying to sue the chainmail pants off a couple of former followers who videotaped her ranting against Jews, Mexicans, gays, and the ancient Hittites, who really shouldn’t have to put up with that crap from a lousy Lemurian. READ MORE »
Just in case you thought that going to your own church might be a good way to avoid fundagelical nonsense, we learn today that some nice people from “Operation Save America,” an offshoot from the radical anti-abortion “Operation Rescue,” would like you to know that they are taking their campaign of Christian Love to minister to people all over the place — and even in churches where they’re not welcome! Last Sunday in New Orleans, some volunteers from the group invaded a Unitarian church service so they could set those godless Unitarian-Universalist heathens straight and let them know they were all bound for Hell. And they brag on their webpage about what a great job they did of witnessing to the sinners right there in that “Synagogue of Satan.” READ MORE »
Don’t you just hate feminism? Of course you do. Feminism is so old-timey and unnecessary and also very mean to men because when women say stuff — like “That sportsball star raped the shit out of me” or “Hey, Mr. Boss Man Sir, why are you paying me less than my male colleagues, HUH?” — it really hurts their feelings. Like, really a lot.
Sure, maybe we might have sort of needed feminism, like, a thousand years ago or whenever the first wave of feminism started, who knows, history is a man thing, and I don’t like to crowd my lady brain space with man things because I’m a lady, goddamnit, I’d much rather let men keep track of that stuff so I can focus on SHOOOOOOOOES. But look. We get to vote. We’ve been able to have credit in our very own lady names for a whole 40 years. We have the right to go to doctors (sometimes) and receive Jesus-approved health care (sometimes), and all we have to do is listen to some sidewalk counseling about how we are murdering babies like the baby-murdering whores we are, which is TOTALLY not a big deal at all, so long as those sidewalk counselors don’t try to kill us or our doctors, but hey, if we didn’t want to be killed, we wouldn’t be there in the first place, and you know how freedom isn’t free so it is definitely totally not a big deal at all.
Fortunately, for the stupid feminists out there who just do not get why feminism is bad, there is a hot new trend on the internets of ladies fighting against ladies who fight for ladies. Let’s call them the Ladies Men’s Rights Auxiliary — or Lamers for short. READ MORE »