Gross gross gross gross gross gross gross gross gross

Chris Christie’s Hot Tips For Sexing Your Lady Without Putting A Babby In Her Butt

Don't you want to feel Chris Christie's rhythm?
Don’t eat lunch today, because New Jersey Gov. Chris Christie has admitted in a town hall meeting not only to engaging in sexual intercourse with a human woman, but also being a whore who uses slut pills, to keep from knocking his lady-wife up with tiny, yelling Chris Christie baby clone people. More specifically, Christie said he is probably a bad Catholic for doing this, but back in the day, he and the wife didn’t always take their sex tips from the pope — sometimes they ...
  Words is hard

Maine Gov. Paul LePage Is A Idiot What Don’t Write Good

I know you is but what are I?
The Republican governor of Maine is a real genius, and by genius, we are being sarcastic as hell, because the dude is a total moron. But he’s not just a moron; Gov. Paul LePage is also a terrible person, with a sac of gonorrheal discharge where his heart should be. He is always seeking new and creative ways to fuck the poors — whether it’s trying to prevent cities from increasing their minimum wages, drug-testing recipients of government assistance, or just yelling at them ...
  welfare queens

Broke-Ass Duggars Forsaken By Their Lord, Please Send Money

Always with their fucking hands out.
If you’re driving through northwest Arkansas and see some sort of fundamentalist Christian lemonade and prostitution stand on the side of the road advertising two side-hugs for $5, that’s probably the Duggars. They have fallen on hard times, due to how TLC’s advertisers finally decided their already toxic family was toxic in a sexual molestation kind of way. Are they actually poor? We don’t know, it really depends on whether they’ve used the Lord’s ...
  Servile Whites Movement

‘No Racial Slurs’ Rule At Confederate Rally Worked Out As Well As You’d Expect

It's about a heritage of resistance to tariffs
So a few hundred supporters of the Treason Flag rallied at Stone Mountain, Georgia, the (re)birthplace of the modern KKK, and despite the organizers’ explicit warning that there should be “no racial slurs,” since the Liberal Media would be watching, it turns out that some folks just couldn’t help themselves, but only because they were provoked by agitators who were offensively black and/or liberal communist scum. Talking Points Memo points us to this memorable bit of ...
  Or you Could Try 'Love It Or Leave It'

Wingnuts Want Very Own Sanctuary Cities Where Gay Abortions Can’t Hurt Them

Noooo! Even Jebus has those rainbow thingies!
In what has to be either an amazing coincidence or the result of a drunken late night conference call, two different rightwing Christianists have suddenly proposed the idea of establishing “Sanctuary Cities” where Christians can be safe from oppression, free to pass laws against abortion and gay marriage, liberated from tyrannical Supreme Court decisions they don’t like. This seems like a perfectly reasonable solution, because if there’s one thing America’s ...
  What If He Defunded Planned Parenthood And ACORN At the Same Time?

Bobby Jindal Sticks It To Planned Parenthood By Screwing The Poors

And just wait til you see the lovely menstrual huts that'll bve replacing Planned Parenthood. Right out of Leviticus!
Poor Bobby Jindal. Not going to be president. Not going to make the first debate. Not even likely to stay in the primaries past South Carolina, assuming he gets that far. But maybe, if he can make some grand gestures, he’ll capture the imagination of the teabagger wing and be the GOP’s wonder boy again, like he was before he made an ass of himself with that State of the Union response where people thought he was aspiring to become an actual pine 2X4. Maybe something dramatic, ...
  But what about all the good guys with guns? Oh the mass shooter killed them too?

Amy Schumer Says Mass Shootings Somehow Involve Guns, Guess She Hates America

Not here to make jokes.
Last week, Sarah Clements, a gun control activist and daughter of a Sandy Hook survivor, wrote an open letter to Amy Schumer, asking her to step up and speak out to try to do SOMETHING about our uniquely American problem with mass shootings, after one of the Lone Wolves from the Lone Wolf Club murdered two innocent women and injured nine others at a screening of Schumer’s “Trainwreck” in Lafayette, Louisiana. Schumer saw the letter and responded on Twitter: Apparently she ...
  Not a trick question

Elizabeth Warren To GOP: Exactly How Stupid Are You?

Senate Republicans tried to kill Planned Parenthood. Again. It didn’t work. Again. It will never work. Women will give all their monies and hold their breaths until they turn blue to keep their favorite ladyparts healthcare provider alive and well. Just ask President Mitt Romney, who promised to get rid of it, and had his robotic ass gift-wrapped and served to him with a shiny bow, by women. Because women friggin’ LOVE Planned Parenthood, and they friggin’ HATE when ...
  A helpful guide

Which Parts Of Kraft Singles Are We Supposed To Eat? A Wonksplainer

Cheese for dummies
Hey you. Yes, you, dummy, standing there in the dairy section of your local Kwik Food Stuffs-R-Us-N-Go, about to put a package of Kraft Singles into your shopping cart. Don’t do that. Seriously, why would you do that? Because you like cheese? No you don’t, THAT’S NOT EVEN CHEESE: By the FDA’s standards, Kraft isn’t permitted to refer to Singles as “cheese” because this word indicates that a product is made with at least 51 percent real cheese. This ...
  Find a new job asshole

Mean ACLU Sues Teacher For Trying To Shame Atheist Child Into Heaven

You think you're Doing Unto Others? Really, bitch?
Get out your Teacher Of The Year ballots, we have a nominee to present! Meet Michelle Meyer, who teaches at a public school, Forest Park Elementary in Fort Wayne, Indiana. Her ass is getting sued by the ACLU, and here is why. One day, during recess, a 7-year-old boy named “A.B.” (his name is withheld in the lawsuit) was talking to a classmate, and according to the suit, she asked A.B. if he went to church. He said no, and also he doesn’t believe in God, and this made her ...
  Vote for Ted Cruz and his boomstick

Ted Cruz Would Like You To Think About His Penis Wrapped In Bacon

“In Texas,” says Canadian-born Cuban Ted Cruz, “we cook bacon a little differently than most folks.” How’s that, you’re not even wondering, but he’s gonna show you anyway. See, while other Americans might cook bacon the lazy way — on the stovetop or in the oven or maybe even the microwave — Texas-Americans drive to their favorite local gun range, wrap strips of bacon around the barrel of a machine gun, POW! POW! POW! at a target until ...
  Remember When 'U.S. Out of My Uterus' was Just A Slogan?

Mike Huckabee Will Send Very Tiny Army Men Right Into Your Cooch

True fact: there are no women's clinics in Tiananmen Square. Do you want that for America?
Mike Huckabee, apparently still feeling the effects of that deep hit he took from the Trump Pipe last week, is saying some more insane shit. Not only is the Iran nuclear deal the Holocaust, now he’s hinting that, as president (HAH!) he’d maybe consider using the FBI and U.S. military to stop abortion once and for all. How’s that for your War on Women? It’s nice to see a candidate so willing to take a metaphor and drag it — by military force if necessary — ...
  Sometimes tears are funny

Mormon Dad Forgot To Teach Son To Hate Gays, Will Never Get His Own Planet Now

Girl that church has been gay forever.
Hey Wonk liberals, let’s listen to the NPR together while we drink our vegan kale lattes, shall we? Ooh, here is an NPR radio program about the Boy Scouts organization ending its ban on openly gay scout leaders. Is there a Mormon dad very upset about this, due to how the Church Of Jesus Christ Of Latter-Day Saints basically bought the Scouts a long time ago, and everything’s ruined now? There sure is! His name is Quin Monson, he teaches political science at Brigham Young ...
  New Genocide Needed So Wingnuts Can Find Fresh Metaphor

Watch Erick Erickson Shove This Coat Hanger Up GOP’s Vagina!

Little angel babies!
. Perpetual rage machine and Fox News contributor Erick Erickson is really, really mad that Planned Parenthood is getting rich off trafficking in murdered baby parts (which it isn’t, but shut up, he knows it is). Not only is he demanding a government shutdown if funding for Planned Parenthood isn’t immediately aborted, he also says that if the GOP doesn’t have the huevos to completely bring government to a halt over a bunch of misleadingly edited videos, then it’s ...
  You punch your mother with that fist?

Who Is Chris Christie Punching In The Face Today?

You shut up, and you shut up, and you shut up
New Jersey Gov. Chris Christie is a raging dick — but that’s not a bug, it’s a feature. It’s his brand, and he’s damn proud of it, and he’s never going to change, eff you, buddy. His pitch to voters is: “It’s time to start offending people.” This strategy has worked well for him in New Jersey, where 65 percent of voters are only saying he’d be a god-frickin’-awful president because they lurve him so much, they want to keep ...
  Allegedly we guess

Dickbag Texas A.G. Indicted For Doing Bad Crimes, Being Dickbag

Remember how excited we all got in July, when we found out that gay-hating asshole Texas A.G. Ken Paxton might be a great big crimer and get indicted and have to go to jail and sell his white collar butthole to other white collar inmates for cigarettes and stuff? The day has come, at least for the indictment, all gathered here together rejoice! The charges — two counts of first-degree securities fraud and one count of third-degree failure to register — are tied to Mr. Paxton’s work ...