Wonkette Finally Surrenders, Becomes Twitchy

  We burnt
Screw this day with a rusty fork. We are out of words, so we’re just going to steal yours. This: And this: And this too: Elegant and to the point: Exactly: Yup: “Satire“: Oh, did someone say satire? Evergreen tweet: Aaaaaaand scene: That little “Follow” button in ...

Deleted Messages Of The Day: If You Read The Bible, You’d Know How Real Demons Are, You Moron

  the commentczar's in town
Do you believe in magic?
Time for another trip to the comments queue well, where we skim off the finest of our would-be commenters’ contributions. First up, a real treat: an actual good old-fashioned email sent to Yr. Doktor Zoom by “Vinbin76,” who had a bone to pick with us after we made fun of that ...

Congratulations, Deport-The-Kids Patriots! Kids Returned To Honduras, Killed.

  As Ye Have Done It Unto One Of The Least Of These
Sorry about that. America's full, you see.
Some inspiring news for the deport-everyone-immediately crowd today: According to a Los Angeles Times report, “at least five, and as many as 10, of the 42 children” who have been killed in criminal violence in Honduras since February had been deported from the United States, ...

Get A Kluwe, Morans!

  Sportsball nice time
He seems nice -- except, actually nice!
Former Minnesota Vikings Sportsball Human Chris Kluwe announced today that he and the team had reached an agreement to settle a lawsuit filed by Kluwe in the wake of his firing last year and a subsequent article he wrote accusing the Vikings of tolerating a culture of homophobia. Under the ...

Hey ‘Ladies,’ Michelle Duggar Needs To Check Your ‘Lady’ Parts Before You Use The Restroom

  Is that REALLY a vagina in your pants?
Our sweet little sister site Happy Nice Time People, what is watching 19 Clowns in a Uterus so we don’t have to, has a very important public service announcement from perpetually pregnant Michelle Duggar: You see, Michelle is VERY concerned that some people in Fayetteville, Ark., (a place ...

Anonymous Lady Says Anonymous Witnesses Back Up Ferguson Cop’s Story Whatever That Is

  What more proof do you need?
yeah, this will hold up in a court of law for sure
We can all go home now, because Tucker Carlson’s cesspool of journamalism has a hot scoop that PROVES Ferguson police officer Darren Wilson is definitely not guilty of murdering unarmed teen Michael Brown. Wilson’s claims match a woman who called herself “Josie” who called into Dana ...

WATCH NOW

KKK Leader Urges Missouri KKK To Cool It With The Racism, Please

  When You've Lost The Klan...
EXCLUSIVE: Must Credit Dok Zoom
Here’s a shiny new story on the sidelines of the Ferguson Fracas: A Ku Klux Klan leader has denounced a fundraiser started by a fringe Klan group in South Carolina for Darren Wilson, the officer who shot Ferguson teen Michael Brown. Imperial Wizard Chuck Murray, the leader of the New ...

Bob McDonnell Innocent By Reason Of Wife’s Cuckoo Insanity

  Ethics Are For Little People
Maureen McDonnell confronts the staff (Artist's conception)
The defense opened its case in former Virginia Gov. Bob McDonnell’s corruption trial Monday, and at least part of the defense strategy seems aimed at a Not Guilty By Reason Of Wife’s Insanity verdict. A staffer for the former state First Lady testified that everyone in the ...

NY Post Writer Wonders Why Dumb Broads Can’t Take A Compliment (Also: Nipples)

  Dames These Days
The New York Post’s Doree Lewak considers herself a funny gal, with her humor recalling a more enlightened time when “gal” was the preferred nomenclature. So we apologize in advance if Lewak’s paean to wolf whistles, “Hey Ladies — catcalls are flattering! ...

Let’s All Enjoy This Ferguson Protester Yelling At Fox News

  clipbait
This DOES make us feel better
Okay, so everything is effed up and bullpoop in Ferguson, Missouri, but here’s something, courtesy of Mediaite, to make us all feel a little bit better. While most of Fox News is covering the crisis in Ferguson exactly the way you’d expect if you know what we mean and we know that ...

Laura Ingraham Explains That Thugs Gonna Thug

  Thugghazi
Think tank is so thinky
In times of civil unrest and racial tension and cops killing unarmed black teenagers, the number one expert you want to explain it to you is wingnut radio gum-flapper Laura Ingraham. That’s just obvious, at least if you are a Fox & Friends bobblehead: After another night of clashes ...

Ferguson Goes Nuts Again, It’s All Jake Tapper’s Fault

  Here To Preserve Disorder
Probably a very good reason for all of this
If you were watching cable teevee Monday night around 11 ET, you got to see a completely baffling sight. After several hours of peaceful protests, police suddenly took up defensive positions — “a wall of law enforcement officers 60 wide and five deep,” as NBC News put it ...

Penis Collecting, John McCain Does The Robot (Yes, Really) And Other News You Can Maybe Use

  Your morning cup of wut?
He's always been a great dancer
Would you like to start your day with some laughs, some tears, or maybe just go straight to the drinking? Of course you would! And we are here to help. You know things in Ferguson have gotten really ugly when CNN’s Don Lemon almost got arrested: Lemon did not end getting detained by ...

Rich People Tired Of Living In Giant Mansions, Long For Merely Huge Mansions

  eat the rich
They don't make butlers like Carson anymore.
Claudio Stivelman is a real estate developer whose corporate biography modestly alludes to his “prophetic vision to invest along the Northern coast of Miami-Dade County.” He got stupid-rich and built himself an “11,000-square-foot dream house,” only to find that living ...

Gun Humpers Will Defend Your Grocery Chain From All The Swears

  Cleanup On Aisle Bangbangbang Please
Let's just note that the Constitution says NOTHING abotu a right to keep and bear fedoras
Hey, kids, time for yet another business to become the target (ha-ha!) of the open carry debate in These United States of Texas and the Other States. In reaction to open carry demonstrations in Ohio and Texas, Moms Demand Action for Gun Sense in America, a group whose goals we admire but whose ...

Live Blog! Obama Takes Vacation From Vacation To Solve All The Problems

  Cleanup On Aisle Bangbangbang Please
Even though President Obama is supposed to be on vacation (impeach!) on Martha’s Vineyard, dahhhling, riding his bicycle and golfing and spending time with his family and hugging it out with Hillary Clinton, he has jetted back to Washington to huddle with his advisers about how everything ...

Michael Brown, Hopped Up On Marijuana And Rap Lyrics, Charged Cop Like A Very Stoned Bull

  Anglos of Attack
The St Louis County Medical Examiner’s autopsy found marijuana in Michael Brown’s system, and just to be clear that Brown had the mind of a killer, David Horowitz’s Internet Tendency explained that Brown was undoubtedly a thug, because he wrote violent rap lyrics, a point ...

What Is Wonkette Ramming Down Your Throat Today?

  Open up and say mmmrfffghhhlll
Corn dogs. It has come to this, and the devil is dancing tonight! Corn dogs are the terribleness I was up on Faceborg, drunk, and Trix found me out. I have been dispatched to bring this special summertime delight to Yr Wonket, because this is an urgent, necessary evil. If we are to bear the ...

Rep. Ted Yoho Awful Sad Obama Keeps Impeaching Himself

  This will hurt us more than it will hurt you
He's crying on the inside
Because it has been at least 24 whole hours since some Republican doofus insisted that Republicans do NOT want to talk about impeaching the president, no seriously, they do NOT want to talk about it, sheesh, stop making them talk about it all the time, no one ever said the “I-word,” ...

Teevee Station Sued Just Because It Was Awful To Mom Whose Daughter Played In Park, How Is That Even Fair

  Since When Do Bad Mommies Have Privacy Rights?
'Off the pigs' is so ambiguous in this context
Just in case you weren’t already kind of disgusted at the treatment of Debra Harrell, the North Augusta, South Carolina, mom who was arrested for negligently letting her daughter play at a playground while she went to work at McDonalds, there’s also this: North Augusta TV station ...

Wingnuts So Sad About Rick Perry Lynching. Not So Sad About Actual Lynching.

  Perry Coma
Poor Lt . Niedermeyer -- fragged by his own men!
Indicted War Criminal Rick Perry is expected to be fingerprinted and photographed today, but there was no arrest warrant, and so we will not be treated to the spectacle of Rick Perry in an orange jumpsuit, darn it. Nonetheless, the American Spectator tells us that what we are seeing right now ...

Donald Trump Has More Thoughts About The Blacks

  Our Post-Racial Racists
Including the date makes it worse, somehow
Just in case you worry that the Liberal Media doesn’t give sufficient attention to all sides of controversial issues, Wonkette is pleased to bring you the views of some goober-brained fuckheads on the recent unrest in Ferguson, Missouri. First up: In St. Louis, Missouri, a few dozen ...