What is OUTRAGE Alex?

Stupid Game Show Star Alex Trebek Does Not Even Know What Do Women Want

Burn it all down
Okay, ladies, why are we castrating The Patriarchy today? We will tell you why. Because Alex Trebek, THAT IS WHY. The Jeopardy host was not really on our radar before, since he is A MAN so we do not pay attention to him — and also we do not have a teevee because they are kind of ugly; and ...
  secret Squirrel service

Wingnuts Pretty Mad At Obama For Letting Himself Be Killed Like That

Everybody needs a nap now and then
This Secret Service thing, huh? It’s quite a mess, and by golly, the right is just outraged that the agency is doing such a crappy job of defending the president they hate. Thank heavens they know who’s responsible for the security lapses: That feckless dictator Barack Obama, who ...
  Obviously a false flag of some kind

Fox News Can’t Decide Whether Obama Is Trying To Cut Off Your Head Or Ebola You

Fox will not be fooled
It’s not as if we weren’t warned that Barack Obama was planning to let in all the terrorists to infect us with Ebola. But in case convicted “journalist” James O’Keefe is not your main source of Ebola news, the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention confirmed ...
  the gods are smiling on us

Larry ‘Wide Stance’ Craig Is Back! And Guilty! Again!

Life is full of important lessons. Look both ways before crossing the street. If you are a professional sportsball player, don’t domestic violence a woman on video. Ladies, don’t get raped. And today, we learn a political lesson: If you are a closeted Republican politician soliciting anonymous ...
  GOP will put a stop to all this GOP voter fraud

Voter Fraud Is Real, And It’s All Republicans

Sometimes you just forget you already did that
Republican governors and secretaries of state are determined to stop the scourge of Voter Fraud, by ensuring that the wrong kind of people can’t vote. (Poors, minorities, Democrats — you know the type.) Sure we laugh at them, but it’s no laughing matter. Voter fraud is a real ...
  In The Line Of Ire

It’s Cool, Secret Service Just Let President Ride Elevator With Twitchy Felon With Gun, No Big

These new advisors will definitely tighten things up
Say, have you noticed that the Secret Service really seems to suck lately? This is what we hear, at least, what with the letting a guy jump the fence and then take a self-guided tour of the White House, the news that their forensics skills were outclassed by the housekeeping staff, and now this ...
  clipbait

Jon Stewart’s Got Some Schoolhouse Rock For You Hip Kids (Video)

This doesn't end well
Jon Stewart is on top of all the latest hot issues in the midterms, like the Iowa debate between Senate contenders Joni Ernst and Bruce Braley, where each tried to out-folksy the other. Or the exciting process of introducing doomed legislation largely for the purpose of running on it, or ...
  Birthers: The Next Generation

New Wingnut Theory (Or ‘Satire’?): Michelle Obama Never Birthed No Babies

Since this photo doesn't exist, maybe YOU DON'T EITHER! Whoa, we are all Philip K Dick today!
From the ugly world of Facebook, we received a recommendation to check out this story: “Evidence Emerges That Michelle Obama Never Birthed Malia And Sasha,” at something called “The U.S. Patriot,” whose “About” page assures us that they are “home to the ...
  Here have some news n stuff

Everyone’s Doing It In The Butt Now

Sure why not?
At Salon, sex doctor Debby Herbenick writes about how buttsex is the new black. We don’t know if we believe it (not that there’s anything wrong with that!), but if it’s on the internet, it must be true, we guess: In an incredibly short period of time, anal sex has become a ...
  Qui a Coupé Le Fromage?

Stephen Colbert Heartlessly Taunts Evil Dictator Kim Jong-Un. With Cheese. (Video)

Dr. Emmenthal, I presume?
Here’s your late-afternoon Clipbait, with Stephen Colbert talking about North Korean wunderkind and Threat to World Peace Kim Jong-un and his fondness for cheese, which may actually have made him so sick that he can’t go out in public, maybe. It has all the essentials of comedy: A ...
  Uterine Clown Car Survivor Speaks Out

Duggars Did A Pretty Good Job Edumacatin’ Their Womb-Fruits, All Right

Just as Darwin Demanded
Reality Teevee show person Jessa Duggar went to the United States Holocaust Memorial Museum in Washington DC, and came away believing that Charles Darwin led directly to the Nazis’ attempted extermination of European Jewry, which suggests that the museum’s docents really need to up ...
  frontier justice

Rick Perry Is The Best Secret Service Agent, Gonna Kill You Real, REAL Dead

Rick Perry confronts a wascally intruder in the Texas governor's mansion.
Yosemite Rick Perry, the rootinest, tootinest governor in all the land, was in NEW YORK CITY today to spend a few minutes making merry with the Zoo Crew on “Morning Joe.” The biggest surprise of the entire interview was that Joe Scarborough managed to resist flinging himself across ...
  Loser Romney Still Loser ... With Mayo

Mitt Romney Finds Entirely New Explanation For ’47 Percent’ Remarks, In Own Ass

Ah, mittens, come on back and tell us all about it
Now that Mitt Romney has let it be known through “supporters” and “his wife” that he is definitely serious about not winning the White House at least one more time, he is also letting it be known that he has learned some things from the last multiple times he did not win ...
  One Ringy Dingy

Arkansas Hero Lady Bans Muslims From Gun Range So They Can’t Cut Off Your Head

The tinny tones of Jihad!
In a world where scary Muslims are cutting off heads every few minutes, and where scary Muslims are also just generally being scary all the time, it only makes sense to be scared of Muslims, and to keep your business safe from them. That’s why Jan Morgan, owner of the Gun Cave Indoor ...
  Thanks Obama AND feminists

Feminism To Blame For White House Security Breach, Obviously

At least we can all agree she isn't the best
The White House has had a number of security problems recently — namely, that there doesn’t seem to be much in the way of security. One could argue that maybe the Secret Service is too busy banging Colombian hookers on the job. But White House Security Expert Laura Ingraham (R-Fox ...
  How To Get A Head At Newscorp

Fox Idiot: Why Does Barack Obama Want You To Get Beheaded?

Just like the Rapture, any day now...
Hey, did you hear about that beheading in Oklahoma last week? Did you know that beheadings are on the rise here in U.S. America, with over 100% more beheadings by fired ex-convicts in September 2014 than in the whole rest of the year? Fortunately, killer Alton Nolen was stopped from attacking a ...
  Doin' it wrong

Islamazoid Sportsball Star Penalized For Praising Wrong Jesus

America is a great country where you can practice any religion you want as long as it’s the Jesus kind. It’s too bad Kansas City Chiefs safety Husain Abdullah didn’t read the fine print in the First Amendment. During a Monday night football game between his team and some other ...
  Eat your spinach

Spinach Pie Is For Lovers, Probably, Why Not

I became a vegetarian when I was 18. My eldest sister had taken up the cause years before, so the conversion wasn’t a radical step. It was another way to define myself as I started out on my own, breaking away from the jar of bacon grease in my mother’s kitchen. Being a vegetarian ...
  Tragical History Tour

Ben Carson Pretty Sure AP U.S. History Will Make Your Kid A Terrorist

Why so much negativity? There were probably slaves who were glad not to have the burden of children, too.
Ben Carson has given us yet another reason to hope that he’s going to run for president: this dopey video of his appearance Monday at the Center for Security Policy’s National Security Action Summit, in which he speaks very movingly about what he considers the many flaws of the revised ...
  paging channing tatum

Secret Service Didn’t Notice Bullets Hit White House, Is That Bad?

Clint! Clint! Clint!
Sometime today Julia Pierson, the director of the Secret Service, will sit at a witness table in front of the House Oversight Committee and its chairman, the always execrable Rep. Darrell Issa, and try to answer a few questions. Such as, what the fuck is wrong with the Secret Service? Do we ...
  Show Yer Warheads

Veterans Tell Nutsack Eric Bolling What He Can Do With ‘Boobs On The Ground’ Joke

On the sand, at least. Sand is ground, right?
Remember way back at the beginning of the Brand New War, last week, when Greg Gutfield and Eric Bolling had a great big larff over the fact that a lady flew a fighter jet for the United Arab Emirates? Gutfield said that after the lady fighter pilot dropped her bombs, she couldn’t park her ...
  clipbait

John Oliver Presents The Philosophy Of Ayn Rand, Or ‘Being A Selfish A**hole’ (Video)

You can't go wrong with the classics
We’ve got a treat for you today, Wonkers — a visit to the Wonderful World of Ayn Rand, via John Oliver’s Last Week Tonight, in which the question must be asked: “Ayn Rand: How is she still a thing?” Thrill to the philosophical brilliance of Objectivism, which can ...