Barry Bamz Just About Ready To Impeach Congress

  Barry Get Angry
Yes, it's fake. Or wishful thinking.
President Obama held a surprise press conference today, announcing good economic news, but noting that the economy could be in much better shape if congressional Republicans would maybe consider working with him now and again on economic issues. America is in better shape than it was when he ...
Share This

Michele Bachmann Will Protect Evil Brown Children From Barack Mengele’s Secret Medical Experiments

It’s going to be a sad day in America when we don’t have Rep. Michele Bachmann to make us die of laughter anymore because she is retiring from Congress to spend more time standing up for oppressed heterosexuals, defending herself against those pesky ethics violations charges, and ...
Share This

Peggy Noonan Contemplates Political Division With All The Self-Awareness Of Which She Is Capable (None)

  withered old hag says what?
She needed a break from the city in the summer, from the heat, from the ceaseless crowds of tourists blocking the sidewalks she had to navigate to reach her favorite watering holes. From the stench of rotting garbage filling the air, invading her nostrils until even inhaling deeply the fumes ...
Share This

Newest Version Of GOP Immigration Harsher But Still Doesn’t Deport Obama, Passage Iffy

  House Of the Rising Dumb
Caillou never gets in trouble like this.
House Republicans have ironed out an immigration bill that just might be cruel enough to appease the Tea Party, which is all that matters, because it would give House members the ability to go home on vacation and say that they at least voted to solve the border mess. It doesn’t mean that ...
Share This

What If Citizen Journalism Isn’t All It’s Cracked Up To Be?

  what if?
Everybody’s talking about “citizen journalism” these days. What is this “citizen journalism”? Puzzled, I asked around and found out it was defined as “people who aren’t journalists, but give it a go anyway, mostly on the Twitters and the ...
Share This

Republicans Will Win All The Lady Votes With Exciting New Strategy: ‘Women Be Shopping’

  Bills 'N' Things
We bet you're just as embarrassed at being reminded of this as we are for remembering it in the first place
OK, ladies, you’d better be ready, because here comes the 743rd Republican effort to convince you that there’s no “war on women” — instead, there’s a War For Women, and the GOP is totes going to win it because it knows what women REALLY care about. And what ...
Share This

CNN Anchor Guy Insults Climate Deniers; Willfully Ignorant F**ksticks Outraged

  birth of a catchphrase
You know, besides pointing and laughing
A special bouquet of greenhouse flowers goes to CNN anchor Bill Weir for the perfect reply to climate change deniers, please. You see, Weir was not terribly impressed with this Fox Nation story (aggregated from the Washington Times) that mocked Al Gore for attending a climate change meeting in ...
Share This

Old Naked Joe Biden

  Joe Biden Swimming Deserves a Quiet Night
On clser examination, that's not OHJB doing the backstroke in a pool
The New York Daily News has the scoop on a new book that uncovers (Ha! Ha!) Old Handsome Joe Biden’s habit of swimming nude, just like John Quincy Adams, except not in the Potomac, so no lady reporters can sit on his clothes to get an exclusive interview. According to Wall Street Journal ...
Share This

Free the DC Weed

  don't fear the reefer
The eyes follow you around the reception, man
If you live in DC you are officially a non-person in the eyes of Congress, since the nation’s capital has no senators and only a non-voting delegate in the House of Representatives. With the sole exception of whoever happens to be President, we are, federally speaking, taxed and ...
Share This

Jon Stewart Literally Disembowels Congress (Video)

OK, they've had funnier graphics. They can's all be brilliant
Jon Stewart had some choice words for Congress Thursday, noting that they were heading off to vacation without having accomplished a blessed thing — and given the Daily Show’s taping schedule, the writers didn’t even have a chance to include the complete failure of the ...
Share This

Anti-Choice Nitwits Just Going To Picket Everything Now Because Why Not?

  plam bam thank you ma'am
We were already perfectly aware that people in the anti-choice movement have a rather casual relationship with the truth. Actually, that’s overstating the relationship a bit. Anti-choicers and truth do not even live in the same zip code. They might not even live in the same state. So, we ...
Share This

Racist GOP County Council Candidate Can’t Understand Why Everyone Is So Mad At Him For Singing “Dixie”

  look away look away
A few months ago, we introduced you to the glory that is Michael Peroutka, a complete and utter wingnut who is now the GOP candidate for a county council seat in the delightfully named Anne Arundel County, Maryland. Michael likes long walks on the beach, cuddling, and spewing insane nonsense ...
Share This

Eric Cantor To Congress: Screw You Guys, I’m Going Home

  na na na na goodbye
Yesterday was a big day for the GOP, what with the completely refusing to do anything at all about the immigrant children at the border that they pretend to be very very concerned about. They probably couldn’t quite get around to it, being busy high-fiving themselves over how ...
Share This

Wonkette Proudly Brings You Wonkette Finger Puppets, For Your Fingers

  Wonkette Fun-Times Activity Book
Just how great do these look? SO GREAT
Let’s be honest about our motives here. We’re jealous. Yes, jealous, we say, — of the smart guys at Richmond, Virginia alt-weekly Style, and their hilarious McDonnell Trial Activity Book, which takes the unbelievably tacky corruption trial of former Virginia Gov. Bob McDonnell ...
Share This

Bill O’Reilly Wants To Keep Pot Illegal For The Sake Of The Blacks And The Children

  don't fear the reefer
Giant forehead Bill O’Reilly got very upset with The New York Times this week because the Grey Lady’s editorial board decided to take a sane and rational position in favor of marijuana legalization. This upset old Loofah Bill because of the children, or the liberals, or The Blacks, or ...
Share This

House GOP Forgot To Hold Vote To Punch Border Children In The Face

  don't fear the reefer
Look who's back!
In a development that people sitting in sensory deprivation tanks under 300 feet of bedrock actually could see coming, the House Of Representatives completely failed to do anything about the influx of immigrant children on the U.S.-Mexico border before going into recess for six weeks. ...
Share This

The Week In Lawsuits: House GOP Saves Republic From King Obama With Heroic Sueage

  first thing we do let's kill all the lawyers
all for you, America
Augh, summer. The heat makes everybody so agitated! Across America, politicians, ex-politicians, and the politician-adjacent have all been feelin’ extra litigious. In today’s Politigation Roundup, we bring you the beginning of one stupefyingly expensive and pointless lawsuit ...
Share This

Rand Paul So Tired Of Mean Liberals Making Him Explain Why The Civil Rights Act Sucked

  philosophical debates
Stop that, Senator Paul.
Yesterday, while talking to Ari Melber in the filthy liberal demagogue echo chamber of MSNBC, Senator Rand Paul went into the defensive, whiny-ass titty-baby mode he always goes into when anyone calls him out for saying something stupid (somewhere around 7:50 in the above video). And since Rand ...
Share This

Dear Liberals: Kindly STFU About Ruth Bader Ginsburg Resigning, With A Topping Of STFU Sauce

It is an indisputable FACT, like gravity and global warming and how birth control is not abortion, that Supreme Court Justice Ruth Bader Ginsburg, aka Notorious R.B.G., is THE BEST. She has spent her whole life law-fighting for the super-radical feminazi legal theory that women are people, and ...
Share This

CIA, On Careful Reflection, Remembers It Hacked Senate Computers After All

  spy kids
This is my
Hey, remember back in March when Senate Intelligence Committee chair Dianne Feinstein, who is usually all “Oh, yes, I just love the spying and the security and how they keep us free, here, please have more money,” actually got pretty pissed at the CIA because it hacked into the U.S. ...
Share This

Rapper Warren G. Reads Warren G. Harding’s Old-Timey Sexts To His Sidepiece

  smutty fuck notes
Warren G. Hardon
From the Jimmy Kimmel teevee program, here’s some excerpts from the super-steamy mash notes of President Warren G. Harding to his mistress, Carrie Fulton Phillips. It is quite educational! Did you know that Harding called his tallywhacker “Jerry”? We did not! The only thing we ...
Share This

Now Is The Time For All Good Americans To Nerdcrush On Ruth Bader Ginsburg

  all the dissents Katie
Katie Couric has this hot job doing the online journalisming with Yahoo now, and she spent some time talking with Ruth Bader Ginsburg, who we don’t mind saying we are in deep nerdlove with. The interview takes place in Ginsburg’s office at the court, which looks a bit too much like ...
Share This

Seattle Reassigns Cop Who Was Harshing City’s Mellow

  Smoke 'Em If You Got 'Em
Did William Holden come to the party? You got Holden Caulfield in there, man?
Seattle-based Wonketeers can breathe (and cough, and giggle) a bit more easily now that the police officer responsible for writing 80% of the city’s marijuana citations has been reassigned. Seems Officer Randy Jokela fancied himself a bit of a comedian and thought it was a good idea to ...
Share This

National Freakout Over Tiny Genitals Spreads From Books To Babydolls

  Doll Parts
Who's the diaper baby now, huh?
Grab your best fainting couches and clutchin’ pearls, America, because there’s a whole new set of teensy genitals to have a moral panic over. First there was Victoria Jackson worrying about the moral implication of tiny cartoon genitals in a middle-school sex-ed book, which ...
Share This

Wild-Eyed Commies Jon Stewart And Stephen Colbert Being Un-American Again

Won't someone think of the corporations?
Here’s a rare two-fer: Jon Stewart and Stephen Colbert both did segments Wednesday on the phenomenon of corporate “inversion” to escape U.S. taxes — the scheme whereby a U.S. company buys a smaller foreign company, then re-invents itself on paper as if its U.S. ...
Share This