Wonkette

Does Barack Obama Even Know Who His Favorite ‘Twilight’ Character Is?

Riley Waggaman — Thu, 29 Jul 2010 21:59:09 +0000

Many communities have decriminalized marijuana-cigarette smoking, but one very progressive township has taken this to the next level. Niskayuna, New York, has legalized ice cream trucks so children don’t have to drive to the ice cream store after they get high on marijuana. Now they can just lie in the street, stoned, and wait for the ice cream to come to them. [Hit & Run]
The anxiously anticipated release of Erick Erickson’s autobiography, Jesus, et Cetera, is just two short months away. Pre-order Jesus, et Cetera on Amazon maybe? [RedState]
Diaperman David Vitter has a very poor opinion of the FDA, because in his alternate whoremonger universe FDA is a secret acronym for Federal Death (Panel) Administration. Sigh. [Think Progress]
Yes, The View forced Barack Obama to confess he doesn’t know what “Snooki” is, and yes, this means he probably just read “Snooki” from a teleprompter during the White House Correspondents’ Dinner, because he is braindead and regurgitates important words such as “Snooki” without even knowing what they are. You figured it out Jonah Goldberg, you are Today’s Winner. [The Corner]
Poll: Hillary Clinton could be The President if she murdered Barack Obama and then wore his skin as a body suit, in 2012. [Washington Whispers]

Sarah Palin’s Next Book Cover REVEALED

Jack Stuef — Thu, 29 Jul 2010 21:01:20 +0000

IMPORTANT NEWS: Yes, the cover of Sarah Palin’s next book has been revealed, and TeamSarah.org is positively agog. Asks “Tainler,” “Does anyone think this is another step towards a presidential run?” Yes, yes we do. How many American flags are there here? Three. 3+1(”#1 New York Times Bestseller”)=4. How many years is a presidential term? FOUR. There you go. “Great Cover. Why America and not American?” asks “Maggie in Indiana.” Because words with the letter “n” in them are racial slurs. Oh wait, we have to make a Blingee for this.

There. We fixed your book cover for you, Sarah.

Oh, here is another important thing from Team Sarah today:

Should we boycott Disney?

Disney, which owns ABC, allows Joy Behar to insult not only Sarah Palin but Wasilla , Alaska- by comparing Sarah to Snooki.

I canceled my trip to Disney. They were quite upset.

And the response:

Goo0d for you…If you are in Orlando go and see the Holy Land experience..

[Team Sarah]

Swastikas: Not Just For Jews Anymore!

Ken Layne — Thu, 29 Jul 2010 20:41:04 +0000

The Jewish Protection League just put out a communiqué announcing that the swastika is no longer a Jew-specific symbol of hate, so everybody can just chill the hell out about the swastikas everywhere, because the chances are good that the swastika in question is not even about you, if you are Jewish. But it might be about you if you are literally anything else, including Mexican or gay or Turkish or 16th Century English settlers in America or black people or cops or the Chinese or, in Russia, anybody but very white Slavic Russians. It is also commonly used as a symbol of hate against the turtle, itself a symbol of hate (in nature). Who knew that the Internet habit of calling everybody else “Hitler” would somehow spread to illiterate neck-tattooed fucktards who somehow managed to get a can of spray paint or at least a Sharpie ™? Is this because everybody’s got iPhone’s now?

Some newspaper reports:

The swastika now shows up so often as a generic symbol of hatred that the Anti-Defamation League, in its annual tally of hate crimes against Jews, will no longer automatically count its appearance as an act of anti-Semitism.

“The swastika has morphed into a universal symbol of hate,” said Abraham Foxman, the national director of the Anti-Defamation League, a Jewish advocacy organization. “Today it’s used as an epithet against African-Americans, Hispanics and gays, as well as Jews, because it is a symbol which frightens.”

“Frightens” is kind of an inaccurate word, because nobody has been “frightened” by swastika graffiti since about 1978, but whatever. The bigger point is that you need a trash-culture forensics specialist to figure out what, if anything, the modern idiot intends when he scrawls a (usually backwards) swastika, often seconds after marking the same surface with his gang name (”George”) and prepaid cell-phone number. These are just three things the guy can kind of convey through crude lines and shapes!

But unlike the New York Times, which will literally reprint any press release you send it — after adding the names of seven or eight reporters and bureaus to the top, along with a headline like, “On Walls, New Questions About an Old Symbol” — here at Wonkette World Headquarters we actually investigate things, using Google News.

So here’s today’s batch of “Oh Noes they putted a swastika somewhere” articles from the world’s news media:

In a goofy twist, some actual German people in Canada somewhere have been annoyed by swastikas painted on their car and some building (their house?) in their neighborhood. [CBC News]
Meanwhile, in a completely different part of Canada, Chinese people are upset because swastikas have apparently been used as an anti-Chinese symbol. [Richmond Province]
Authorities in an eastern section of Russia have banned the entirety of YouTube, because of a YouTube video featuring Russian skinheads waving swastika signs and threatening ethnic minorities in Russia. (Also Russia doesn’t want any YouTube or blogs or Internet, period, because people use it to criticize the police-state kleptocracy.) [AFP]
And in Warsaw, some troublemaker “artist” put up a banner of a hot & sexy naked Mickey Mouse, with her (?) buttocks rising provocatively in the sky, beneath a giant swastika because why not? [Christian Science Monitor]
Most shocking of all was the use of a swastika in anti-turtle graffiti in some park in Nebraska, the midwestern state known for its simmering anti-animal hate crimes, “from the swastika on the oversized fake turtle in a park under construction in Antelope Valley to the panda somebody painted on an Antelope Valley wall last winter.” What? [Lincoln Journal Star]

Food Options For Beautiful People

Arielle Fleisher — Thu, 29 Jul 2010 20:33:08 +0000

If you make it through even a little of the “50 Most Beautiful People” on the Hill list — especially the moving prose — you will learn that the people on this annual summer-gimmick list made it there because of the ability to survive on a diet of cheese nips, pasta, and Diet Mountain Dew. Do these people not know that the Hill is home to some of the best restaurants in DC? As service-y journalists, we hope to help this confused and hungry group of “attractive for DC” people navigate their local eating options. (more…)

(Even if you don’t work on the Hill and don’t aspire to be crowned “Most Beautiful” by a B2B lobbying newsletter, you should know about these very good Capitol-area restaurants:

Art and Soul: Food tastes better when it’s fried, topped with Old Bay, and can only be described as “imaginative,” as it is at Art & Soul. Go there for their Happy Hour, when dishes such as fried green tomatoes, cured jerky and deviled eggs can be paired with an alcoholic beverage for just $10.
Sweetgreen: There are people in the world who don’t eat overpriced salads made from locally grown ingredients, but they’re not the clientele at Sweetgreen. Sweetgreen recently opened a new location by the Hill. It’s healthy, has an extraordinary amount of employees, and offers mediocre service. What more could one ask for?
We, The Pizza: Ubiquitous Chef Spike Mendelsohn of Top Chef teevee fame just opened a new pizza restaurant on Capitol Hill. Expect good pizzas (we recommended the Spinach and Artichoke Pie), excellent sandwiches made with fresh cold-cuts, and gelato. There’s also an old-fashioned soda fountain that dispenses authentic chocolate egg creams for $3. And, oh, look, the name! It’s made to be a destination of choice for people who work on the Hill!

Belga Café, Ted’s Bulletin, and Matchbox are also excellent options. Should you choose to eat with red-badge-wearing interns, for the laughs, try Pour House, Tortilla Coast, or Hawk and Dove.

Shirley Sherrod Vows To Help Liberal Bloggers By Suing Breitbart

Ken Layne — Thu, 29 Jul 2010 19:44:49 +0000

In these rancid sweltering days of summer when smart people are at their beach houses and only the poor and the dumb continue to “show up for work,” media professionals understand that there’s basically no news, and no audience for that lack of news. In late summers past, interns and near-retirement burnouts would dump a steady flow of pure bullshit into the world’s media stream, just to keep everything sort of functioning. UFOs, bears eating campers, “talking dildos,” Mother Mary on a quesadilla, surfing dogs, Wikileaks, weird speculation about what kind of awful secret Tim Russert took to his grave to allow Luke Russert to still stutter and sweat on MSNBC … these were the staples of the news business, until the grownups got back from the Hamptons and saw all the ratings and circulation and whatever all went right in the crapper, just like last summer. But this year is different, in at least one respect: Shirley Sherrod has vowed to keep page views and Nielsen ratings steady until Labor Day by announcing her plans to sue Andrew Breitbart in court, for that thing he did to her, because she was a random black person who worked for the Farm Bureau somewhere.

Yes, people who cannot manage to turn off the news or turn away from the Internet: Shirley is bringing the controversy back for a final Summer Jam.

Speaking at San Diego’s popular “Comic Con” today, Sherrod announced her intention to dress Breitbart in a “big baby suit” and have the Justice League beat the shit out of him:

Ousted Agriculture Department staffer Shirley Sherrod said Thursday she plans to sue the conservative blogger who falsely portrayed her as a racist.

“I will definitely do it,” Sherrod said at the National Association of Black Journalists convention in San Diego.

Sherrod said Andrew Breitbart knew what he was doing when he posted a doctored video that made it appear she was boasting about mistreating a white farmer.

Thank you, Mrs. Sherrod, for helping both liberal websites and conservative broadcasters survive another few weeks of this never-ending Depression. [New York Daily News]

Novelty Song-Writer Ray Stevens Is the Bard of the Teabaggers

Jack Stuef — Thu, 29 Jul 2010 19:34:51 +0000

Ray Stevens is a 71-year-old singer-songwriter who was popular in the 1970s and 80s for his funny novelty songs such as “Ahab the Arab” (pronounced “A-rab”) and “The Mississippi Squirrel Revival” and “It’s Me Again Margaret,” all of which your afternoon editor recommends for their high kitsch value. But now this silly song-man’s career has taken a very political turn; a turn that has taken him into the AOL inboxes of Teabaggers across the country.

Ray Stevens’ “We the People” has been hailed as “fast becoming the anthem of the Tea Party Movement.”

But that is not quite as funny as his recent issue videos:

Keep it up, Ray! And pay attention libruls: This is what American culture will look like when the Teabaggers FINALLY sweep into power. [Ray Stevens]

Charlie Rangel Has No Idea If He Has Reached a Deal On Ethics Violation Charges

Jack Stuef — Thu, 29 Jul 2010 18:03:23 +0000

WCBS in New York City reported this afternoon that Rep. Charlie Rangel has cut a deal to avoid going to trial on various charges of ethics violations. So did he? Charlie Rangel doesn’t know. “I don’t know. I’ll tell you one thing, until someone tells me that there is, there isn’t,” he said. Yes, that is one thing. The House ethics panel’s ranking minority member, Rep. Jo Bonner of Alabama, doesn’t know if Rangel cut a deal either. Did Charlie Rangel and the ethics panel get black-out drunk together?

Rangel may or may not have admitted that he has terrible ethics and does not want to be put on trial for it. But he and Bonner had the vodka pong table locked down the whole party, so how should they remember? People do craaaaaaaazy things when they are drunk. Like hook up with Charlie Rangel, probably.

Somewhere in the forests of D.C., legend has it, there is a beautiful, shimmering plea deal that Charlie Rangel signed. Sure, nobody is certain it exists. But if the children of the world believe it exists, it does, basically. [The Hill]