Wonkette

THIS Is Tom DeLay’s Last Dance, Not That Other Thing He Said A Month Ago Was His Last Dance

Juli Weiner — Fri, 27 Nov 2009 18:40:51 +0000

Stately, plump Tom DeLay unceremoniously took a sabbatical from Dance, Star, Dance! back when he hurt… his… clavicle (?). Anyway, for the season finale of the teevee show DeLay and the one they call “Cheryl” danced some more because of all the demand that they do exactly that. What will Tom DeLay do for attention now that television has also turned its sequinless, inelegant back on Dance? Worry not! He has that Millionare thing! And—fingers crossed!—Twitter, probably. He will probably also audition for Twitter. [YouTube]

Thank You, Friends, Wouldn’t Be Here If It Wasn’t for You

Ken Layne — Fri, 27 Nov 2009 12:27:10 +0000

The Obama Thanksgiving menu featured turkey and pie — or, even scarier, some kind of Kenyan-socialist hybrid pumpkin pie made of turkey. “The President’s favorite is turkey and pumpkin pie,” the White House said in a statement. Gross. [Chicago Sun-Times]
And those bankrupt losers who crashed the White House state dinner? Wannabe reality-teevee people, obviously. Their story has become the DC version of ~~Bubble~~ Balloon Boy, minus the cute/doomed child. [New York Times]
Dubai is about to default on 60-odd billion dollars in debt, whoops. Asian and European markets are collapsing, and the U.S. markets might be doing the same thing today. So much for “Do Buy.” [Bloomberg]
Actual AP headline: “Americans give thanks, see parades, feast in space.” It’s just missing “in equal numbers.” [Associated Press]
Sarah Palin enjoyed Thanksgiving with her relatives in the Tri-Cities area of Washington state, next to the Hanford nuclear waste site. This is the first “regular American” thing she’s done in 15 years — but then she called the place “surreal,” which it is, but still. [Seattle Times]

Wonkette’s Children’s Treasury of Traditional Thanksgiving Videos

Ken Layne — Thu, 26 Nov 2009 15:30:53 +0000

Without the turkey-slaughter stylings of Miss Wasilla, how could any of us really enjoy Thanksgiving? Here’s the dropout governor of Alaska before she ditched her job for Hollywood. Look how she doesn’t want to touch that filthy animal! Once you’ve gone Neiman Marcus, you can’t go back. So many more beloved holiday traditional videos await you, the thankful American.

Remember when the Macy’s Thanksgiving Day Parade got fuckin’ rick-rolled?! Neither do we, but we vaguely recall posting this video a day or two after. And what we knew, at that moment, is that Rick Astley and the “Home for Orphaned Goblins” created a New Thanksgiving Day Tradition, perhaps even more important (culturally) than the time that M&M’s blimp crashed into the crowd during the 9/11 Thanksgiving Parade.

And finally, our nation’s one & only true Thanksgiving Prayer, by the late artist William S. Burroughs. We’ve been featuring this particular American Prayer at Wonkette since 2006! Never forget, for real. Nobody ever called Burroughs “the next Thoreau,” but maybe they should have ….

Something Flickered For a Minute, Then It Vanished and Was Gone

Ken Layne — Thu, 26 Nov 2009 12:32:35 +0000

Happy Thanksgiving? Not for the Indians, who are anti-celebrating the Mumbai terrorist attacks of one year ago. [BBC]
Most people try to sneak out of White House state dinners, but these two weirdos snuck in. [Reliable Source/NYT]
The U.S. economy should recover in, oh, maybe five years? Maybe more? Who cares, because by then we’ll all have been eaten by those cannibals from The Road. [Associated Press]
Oh yeah and we are all DOOMED because the U.S. dollar plunged in value (again) while you were sleeping, and now it’s worth about half a bite of spit-out California Roll. [Bloomberg]
Let’s all hope the Space Shuttle lands safely tomorrow morning, because Jesus Christ, how much more can anybody really take? [Gannett]
If you didn’t go anywhere for Thanksgiving, it’s either because a) you’re broke, like everybody else, or b) you just hate your awful family. [MSNBC]
Important informational website WikiLeaks published half-a-million text messages from September 11, 2001. From the banal to the heartbreaking, the whole massive bummer information trove is enough to make you skip dinner today and just go sit in the yard, crying. [Guardian/WikiLeaks]
But, still, happy thanksgiving! Really!

Awkward Video Moments Preserved Forever: Barack Obama Pardons a Turkey

Ken Layne — Thu, 26 Nov 2009 03:14:45 +0000

In the days before YouTube, our computers were pretty safe from stuff like this. But, as slaves to audio-visual technology, we must now be exposed to moments best captured by a single photograph — as in turkey pardons of past presidencies — and then quickly forgotten. Here, President Obama again shows his cruel elitism, as he “jokes” about wishing he was doing something other than “pardoning a turkey and sending it to Disneyland.” Maureen Dowd is going to lose her shit. But what about the YouTube commenters?

wake up people, the new world order has hijacked our nation/world..we need to stand up to tyranny and defend freedom and liberty..check out my page to get informed
He IS a Hero.
Wathever happens
Wathever others say
Lóóóve this vid!!!
Obama should be focusing on the economy and the war instead of playing with turkeys.
This is a presidential tradition done every year. Bush did it too after 9/11. Doesn’t take much time or thought process….
I will think of the NATIVE AMERICAN
AMERICAN INDIANS. and mourn!
NICA TLACA,ANAHUAC.
Have you ever been attacked by a turkey? I had one jump at my face those fuckers know how to take a man down
Its a white turkey, not your traditional bronze/black. Im I right in saying that its traditional in the USA at thanksgiving to pardon a turkey?
why are we being drawned into a war. I thought we were to pick our own fights. You can’t win a fight that you are being pulled into. Far more of our boys have lost there life then the ememy we fight. At this rate we will never win the war. why do we have the right to defend our country but Irael doesn’t? And the president should not put his children on show where is his wife she should be there with the family always by her husband side. I don’t think the president is really calling the shot
and so the status-quo continues . . .

[YouTube]

Ken Layne — Wed, 25 Nov 2009 22:00:23 +0000

SOUNDS LIKE A WONKETTE STAFF MEETING: “The fierce Latina who grew up in a trailer park, the annoying little brother who will hook up with anyone, the inner-city orphan with enough machismo to own this city, the country girl who lived in a barn, the high school sweetheart who discovered he was bisexual, the rebel from a Christian cult and the wannabe rocker ….” But, ha ha, we don’t even have staff meetings. Meet the idiots from MTV’s Real World in DC. [Examiner]

Sarah Palin Smells Like Taint, and Barack Obama Lets Turkeys Win

Riley Waggaman — Wed, 25 Nov 2009 21:40:36 +0000

Fear not, patient wingnuts! SARAH PALIN knows what it feels like to wait and wait and wait and wait for a celebrity JOHN HANCOCK. She knows what it’s like to practically die from hypothermia and disappointment. Yes, she has suffered just as you have: During the carefree ’90s — pre-9/11 Alaska, when Alaskans still felt safe — Sarah Palin stood in the freezing Anchorage cold for seven hours in hopes of procuring an autographed bottle of IVANA TRUMP PERFUME. And that was the fateful day Sarah realized not even Ivana’s magical flower-scented elixirs could mask the putrid odor of moose semen ….

SQUANTO’S BOUNTEOUS GOSSIP HARVEST: Poor SEN. CLAIRE McCASKILL (D-MO) has been so busy being a United States Senator that she’s hardly had any time to write stupid shit on her Twitter machine …. ACORN was given access to the world’s largest mailing list, OPRAHSERV, which it used to trick sheeple into disclosing their bank account numbers and Yahoo passwords …. KENDRICK MEEK (D-FL) wants to hear all of your crazy stories about Bonnaroo and overdraft fees …. Vermin familiar with human plague RUDY GIULIANI are skeptical of Rudy’s supposed bid for 9/11 SENATOR in 2010 ….

Shameless turkey sympathizer BARACK OBAMA pardoned two convicted TURKEYS held at Guantanamo, and then invited them to come to DC and share a hotel suite with Indian prime minister MANMOHAN SINGH. Yes. Former detainees on American soil! What’s next, Barack? You gonna turn BAGRAM into a petting zoo? Another Obamanation.

Riley Waggaman’s WAGG THE BOG appears constantly here at Wonkette. Send your hot gossip to the usual tips@wonkette.com