Wonkette

Minnesota Gov. Tim Pawlenty, the 2012 candidate everyone’s heard about and immediately forgotten, holds a very special position for the Republican party: he runs around the country giving speeches that no one cares about BUT ONLY TO DISGUISE his true purpose, which is cash. He distributes unmarked bills and checks to people. Powerful people. Real quiet, see? MORE »

MICHAEL STEELE CONTINUES TO NEVER PLAY RACE CARD: Moo moo motherfuckers: “I don’t see stories about the internal operations of the DNC that I see about this operation. Why? Is it because Michael Steele is the chairman, or is it because a black man is chairman?” It’s because Tim Kaine is really boring. And yes, the black skin/RNC combo does make for more hilarity. [Plum Line]

Atlanta’s public transportation system “MARTA” is in so much trouble today for being racist against Asians. See, the MARTA people, the Martians, renamed the train line that goes where all the Asian people live the “yellow line.” And “yellow,” everyone knows, is the worst Coldplay song ever invented. Everyone just hates it, including Asians. MORE »

Did you know there was a Rick Perry-Sarah Palin rally? Can you tell there was a Rick Perry-Sarah Palin rally? MORE »

Oh lookee here: Eliot Spitzer’s whore thing Kristin Davis, his “Manhattan Madam,” has announced at some Libertarian convention (?) that she will be running for governor of New York. But woah, Albany insider gossip: this was Spitzer’s exact job in politics, running New York! It is nothing more than a classic tale of “switchsies”: the governor prefers spending his time whoring, and she who whores, wishes she could govern. MORE »

Here is a close-up of Sarah Palin’s new temporary tattoo. It raises so many more questions that it answers, technically! The Huffington Post did an impression of journalism and has now bequeathed unto the world revelations about what specifically those words are, namely “Energy,” “Tax,” “Lift American Spirits,” and “Budget cuts.” This information will amass even greater relevance when the New York Times reveals that it is an anagram for “RSVP for David Paterson Key Party.” [Huffington Post]

• Today Iran began enriching its uranium for what are definitely nuclear-type purposes. [New York Times]
• Joe Jackson, the alive father of the dead pop star Michael Jackson, believes his son was killed in a conspiracy, which is a thing that commonly happens. [CNN]
• Childhood obesity is Michelle Obama’s new thing, as obese children are the #1 cause of obese adults. [WSJ]
• It’s going to snow again in D.C. Budget your weather puns accordingly. [Washington Post]
• Toyota has recalled half a million more Priuses, which means we are that much closer to a consensus on the Latin accusative plural of “Prius.” [AP]
• Oh thank heavens: the arbitrarily obstinate Richard Shelby has lifted his holds on Obama’s 70 nominees. [The Hill]

Nothin’ quite like a few rich poopbags trying to dissect Sarah Palin’s reasons for scribbling shit all over her hands during a teabagging speech. Disturbed racial theorist Brian Kilmeade offers another story from his dark, repressed childhood on this morning’s Fox & Friends and adds, “I think that is — like you said before, Gretchen — folksy, absolutely, down-to-earth, I can identify.” Ha ha. It’s what the Common Man does! The Common Man cannot afford cue cards, or a sheet of paper, and so this is what the Common Man does during speeches. The Common Man feels LITERALLY MARRIED to Sarah Palin when she draws on herself like a child. [Think Progress]

• LETTING BUSH TAX CUTS EXPIRE WILL BE IMPOSSIBLE: Democrats are now going to struggle like the dickens to let old tax cuts on rich people expire, an extremely popular political move: “Centrists and liberal Democrats told The Hill they support allowing President Bush’s tax cuts on those making more than $250,000 to expire, but said leaders must win public support by portraying the tax increase as reducing the nation’s record budget deficit.” Uh oh… win public support of this measure the public already supports by “portraying” it as exactly what it is? Sounds like Mexican Socialism. [The Hill]

For the last few days, hype has been building over a New York Times story of “Vicki Iseman Proportions” about New York Governor David Paterson, and how he has sex with ladies and does corrupt things and will have to resign, for having corrupt sex. The Times was going to run the story today but has delayed it until Wednesday, to work on its adjectives, perhaps. (”Should we keep it as ‘raw-dog,’ boss? Currently we have it as ‘raw-dog sex.’”) MORE »

THE MURTHA IS DEAD, THE MURTHA IS DEAD: Whoa hey: “Rep. John Murtha (D-Pa.), 77, a Vietnam veteran who staunchly supported military spending and became a master of pork-barrel politics, died today following gallbladder surgery at Virginia Hospital Center.” THERE, HAPPY NOW, REPUBLICANS? [Washington Post]

August 3, 2010! A full 208 pages! Jesus take your time… [Political Wire]

SNOWPOCALYPSE III: LAST CRUSADE OF THE TRANSFORMERS: More better death for everyone! Worried that that 27″ pile of water cocaine on your doorstep was looking a bit limp? Well here come ten more inches, to finally kill off the neighbor’s magnolia tree that has been destroying your editor’s house for the past two days. [Weather.com]

Barack Obama, the master tactician! Last night, before Super Bowl XXVVVV, he told Katie Couric and (to a lesser extent) America that he would hold a Bipartisan Health Care Summit, live on the teevee, on February 25, and the Republicans would have to show up or… or… or else they’d miss it! This opportunity to change public policy! Mitch McConnell and John Boehner responded, “let us literally dictate a new bill word-for-word, or die,” the most Serious response. Why do Democrats have to play politics like this when Republicans just want to help the country? MORE »