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There are three things you need to know about Texas Senator Charles Schwertner actually SMASHING A GLASS TABLE from having to listen to these awful Texas citizens testifying about their Constitutional right to an abortion:

1. The bills women were testifying against were pretty bad bills: one would ban women from donating their fetuses’ tissue to science to help others; the second would ban the safest second trimester abortion procedure; and the third would force women to pay for proper burial of their fetuses’ remains. (If you haven’t buried a loved one lately, our most recent cremation — though of a full-grown human — cost $3300.)

2. Since he is a physician, Schwertner doubtless knows but does not care that only 10 percent of abortions are in the second trimester — or that the second trimester is when women who would very much like to have their babies find out those babies have such terrible fetal abnormalities, they will either be stillborn or live excruciatingly short lives filled with excruciating pain.

3. When Schwertner tells a woman to shut up, SHE WILL SHUT UP.

EVERYTHING IS AWESOME!

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  • Nounverb911

    He seems nice.

  • The Farce Side

    Can’t drink this early in the day but I’m sure as hell pilling up before I read anymore posts.

  • bookish
  • proudgrampa

    Aaaaaaargh!!!!!!

  • magyar of infinite power

    OT Adam Kinzinger (R-IL) Should do all interviews for the House repubicans. Topless.

    • BearDeLaOursistance

      nomnomnomnomnom

  • Crystalclear12

    Ahh, Texas you can always count on them.

    • Nounverb911

      Yes but can Texans count?

      • Crystalclear12

        Not past the 2nd.

        • Nounverb911

          And they skip the 1st?

          • Crystalclear12

            Of course.

          • magyar of infinite power

            They only like the Jesus part of the 1st. There actually no Jesus part, but they have convinced themselves there is.

          • kareemachan

            Yup.

      • Up In Smoke O’hontas

        Only corinthians.

      • The Farce Side

        As a former Texan I can assure you they can count to at least six. That way they can teach all the kids about the brief Republic of Texas.

        • arglebargle

          Plus bullets for six-shooter.

  • C4TWOMAN

    Don’t make Schwertner angry. You wouldn’t like him when he’s angry.

    • Groundloop

      Or when he’s not angry. He seems like a straight up asshole.

  • o’look Skwerl!

    Trumpmerica!

    Is it too early to drink?

    • Up In Smoke O’hontas

      Rules don’t apply anymore. Bottoms up!

    • Nounverb911

      It’s always happy hour somewhere.

    • Crystalclear12

      Drink, snort, smoke, whatever keeps you out of clock towers and book depositories.

      • kareemachan

        That only applies to actual prezes. Not fake ones.

        Crap. I can’t believe I just typed that.

      • BearDeLaOursistance

        Amen. “Oswald Does Dallas” is just not a workable porn concept.

    • arglebargle
    • Sardonicuss

      My new dictum: Its 9 A.M. somewhere….

  • AnniNoone

    Aaaaand that’s why not even Austin is worth that bullshit. Texas is unlivable, even for an aging het cis-lady like me who could pass for an evangelist (“y’all have a church home yet, honey?”)

  • goonemeritus

    Great women rights are being trampled and now the taxpayers are on the hook for a table repair bill.

  • Nounverb911

    Dear Texas,
    If at first you don’t secede, try, try, again.
    L&K
    America

  • UncleTravelingMatt

    Your move, Carolinas.

    • Vagenda and Pee-ara

      We’re still crazy as hell, just not as big as Texas.

  • elviouslyqueer

    And if Schwertner was really table-breaking concerned about the time allotted for public testimony, he probably wouldn’t have let the first speaker (and dozens after), a representative from the anti-abortion advocacy group Texas Right to Life, ramble on in support for twice as long as Hennessy was allowed to speak.

    http://holaafrica.org/wp-content/uploads/2014/12/image.png

    • CogitoErgoBibo

      That was the part that REALLY stood out to me.

  • We’ve shattered the glass table, now how about the glass ceiling?

    • C4TWOMAN

      One glass at a time.

  • memzilla Ω

    *sigh* Schwertner. With votes. Pointy, slashy, adamantium-forged, diamond-tipped, well-oiled votes.

    • The Farce Side

      Too pointy, need dull votes so it’ll hurt more.

      • Shanzgood

        Less oil

      • wavicles

        Hollow-point votes, they tear it up.

        • Lord Jim

          Glaser Safety Votes.

          *sob* What am I becoming?

          • wavicles

            Get a grip man, it’ll be alright. Desperate times and all that.

    • DoILookAmused2u? Résistance☨

      Can fire projectile votes into abdomen and let him bleed out with votes?

    • BearDeLaOursistance

      Can we pull the pins out of votes and run like hell?

  • msanthropesmr

    What is with these assholes?

    • Alan

      Answered your own question?

  • msanthropesmr

    You know, the strongest, toughest people you meet are in my experience the calmest.

  • Resistance Fighter Callyson
  • bookish

    Trump considers National Guard to round up immigrants.

    http://www.huffingtonpost.com/entry/donald-trump-national-guard-immigrants_us_58a71356e4b037d17d271bcb
    President Donald Trump’s administration is considering mobilizing as many as 100,000 National Guard troops to round up unauthorized immigrants, according to a draft copy of an order obtained by The Associated Press.

    Though the AP reported that the memo was written by U.S. Homeland Security Secretary John Kelly, the White House quickly denied that the report was true.

    “100% false. There is no effort to use the National Guard to round up,” White House press secretary Sean Spicer said in an email to The Huffington Post.

    The AP on Friday reported that an 11-page draft memo shows the Trump administration considering an unprecedented militarization of immigration enforcement as far north as Portland, Oregon, and as far east as New Orleans.

    https://www.washingtonpost.com/national/trump-weighs-mobilizing-nat-guard-for-immigration-roundups/2017/02/17/bc832d36-f524-11e6-9fb1-2d8f3fc9c0ed_story.html

  • Nounverb911
  • kareemachan

    TOTALLY O/T: Stuart McLean has died. One of the best shows for comedy and music on the radio has lost its author. I have the sadz MAJORALLY.

    Oh, and fuck the drumpster and his minions.

  • puredog

    Persisted, did she?

  • Crystalclear12

    Can we make Texit a thing?

    • Nounverb911
      • Nockular cavity

        Oh, for fucks’ sake.

    • Alan

      Please.

    • Bitter Scribe

      Could Austin maybe be a U.S. outpost?

      • magyar of infinite power

        Austin can be a territory, like Guam and Puerto Rico

        • Bitter Scribe

          But then they wouldn’t have any congressmen.

          OTOH, considering the way the city is gerrymandered all to hell, that probably wouldn’t be much of a loss.

      • Crystalclear12

        City-state, like Rome?

  • MynameisBlarney
    • Scott Stantis has been a staunch conservative for as long as (and longer than) I’ve known him, and even he has the sense to be appalled by Trump.

  • Msgr_MΩment

    For the GOP ratfuckers, that was the sound of the crashing of their glass ceiling.

  • Spotts1701, Resistance Pilot

    Okay, which dimbulb thought that using a glass table as a surface where a gavel would be used was a good idea?

    • Alan

      It’s Texas. Take your pick.

    • CogitoErgoBibo

      We’re lucky he didn’t pick up the shards and threaten her with them.

    • wide_stance_hubby

      How was he supposed to know it was a glass table? He could see right through it!

    • Shibusa

      https://media.giphy.com/media/oH0PVk8fPStNe/giphy.gif
      This is Trump vs reality, on a daily basis.

      • YoBunnyBunny

        How?

    • YoBunnyBunny

      But it looks so fancy and stuff!!

    • snark-lurker

      well that is Texas after all

    • BearDeLaOursistance

      But the table was imbued with great conservative significance! It’s the very same table where one of Trump’s hookers once… oh God I can’t even.

  • Texas ups the ante

    Florida, your move.

    • Crystalclear12

      Missouri is a contender!

      That made me sad to type.

    • Shanzgood

      Oklahoma is trying with their “father’s permission” for abortion law.

      Assholes.

      • Thorn Spike

        Things could get awkward if the father is the woman’s rapist or her actual father.

        • Rags

          Rapists in some states can veto abortions and can insist on visitation rights. ISYN

          • Thorn Spike

            I know. Crazy world.

          • BearDeLaOursistance

            If anything justifies an exception to the Commenting Rules for Radicals, it’s this.

        • YoBunnyBunny

          Or some big-wing rightward leaning GOP Christianist…

          Every pregnant person who gets an abortion should name a GOP congress critter as the baby’s daddy just for giggles…

    • mancityRed6

      oh, come on now. Kansas is next for something like this.
      if they can take a few minutes from stopping people from voting, that is.

  • Vagenda and Pee-ara

    Mitch McConnell:
    Tea Party = “patriots who love America”
    The Resistance = “left wing agitators”

    • Crystalclear12

      Well, it would be different if they were supported by those nice Koch brothers

    • TJ Barke

      Tea Party = “patriots who love AmericaIgnorant authoritarian tools”
      The Resistance = “left wing agitatorspatriots that love America”

    • Count Awesome

      I prefer to be part of the “Rebel Alliance”.

  • Bitter Scribe
  • Oblios_Cap

    In his defense, he was really hungry and just wanted her to make him a sammich.

  • Sardonicuss

    Attn. some Texas women:
    Stop voting for these men to kill you!
    * Which reminds me. I miss Molly and Anne.

  • CogitoErgoBibo

    Always charming when men intent on hijacking women’s private parts exhibit such outrage when we dare to push back using such weapons as logic and facts.

    • Ducksworthy

      It’s always a drag when you find out,once again, that women’s parts are attached to actual women.

      • YoBunnyBunny

        How inconvenient, right???

    • Nockular cavity

      What? Girls can’t use logic ‘n’ facts! They’re too emotional.

      I will smash this table to prove the point.

  • Fartknocker
    • TJ Barke

      That moment when fetii matter more than actual people…

      • mancityRed6

        at least until they’re born…after that? fuck ’em

        • TJ Barke

          Well that goes without saying…

    • Bitter Scribe

      OK, this is intriguing. Does the bad idea sex somehow involve frozen fruit?

      • snark-lurker

        well i seem to recall…uh…hum. NEVERMIND!

  • SweetDeeKat

    My Elizabeth Warren T-shirt (“nevertheless, she persisted”) isn’t getting here fast enough. I’m gonna wear it everywhere in this fucked-up state.

  • Fartknocker

    And Texas Monthly magazine added him to the list of the 25 worst politicians in Texas:

    http://www.texasmonthly.com/list/the-best-and-worst-legislators-2015/the-worst-senator-charles-schwertner/

  • Mr. Blobfish

    He should try decaf.

    • V4Virginia, NASTY!

      Sweetened with Thorazine.

  • cats530

    Oh that explains it, he’s an orthopedic surgeon. Nothing against orthopods, most are great, but I used to work for an orthopedic surgeon’s practice and the docs themselves had a little joke they would frequently share with me (when other docs were behaving badly – never themselves of course – lol) “Orthopedic surgeons have the strength of an ox and sometimes the brains of one too!”

    • Spotts1701, Resistance Pilot

      I seem to notice the doctors who support these odious bills all have practices that have little to nothing to do with Obstetrics or Gynecology.

      • cats530

        Yeah, interesting huh? Like Rand Paul the alleged opthalmologist.

    • TJ Barke

      Surgeons are jocks and orthos are the jockiest of them all.

      • cats530

        Well, maybe that explains it then. Nurse friends of mine told me horror stories about neurosurgeons flinging instruments all over the op suite. The same guys who fling their golf clubs on the golf course in a fit of pique. I’d sure hate to be the patient of one of those.

      • One of the jokes a surgical resident once told me was that God thinks he’s a surgeon.

        • TJ Barke

          I think the whole thing goes: What’s the difference between a surgeon and god? God doesn’t think he’s a surgeon.

          • cats530

            What’s the difference between an accountant and an engineer? The accountant knows he’s not an engineer. (sorry – couldn’t resist – lol)

          • The actual joke was “A wealthy man goes to heaven, and meets Saint Peter. Peter informs him that in Heaven, everyone is equal. They go to the cafeteria, and the man starts to cut in in line, and Saint Peter pulls him back, saying, “No, we wait our turn.” A few minutes later a man dressed in surgical scrubs rushes in, grabs some food, races to the head of the line and throws some money at the cashier and runs out again. The man looks at Saint Peter and says “I thought everyone was equal, why did he get to cut in like that?” Saint Peter replied “That was God. He thinks he’s a surgeon.”

  • Nounverb911

    OT
    Well this settles it, (only until someone contradicts it)

    https://twitter.com/samsteinhp/status/832632021281148928

    • Thaumaturgist

      That’s reassuring. And the “Commander in Chief?” Is he considering mobilizing the National Guard?

      • DahBoner

        Good catch!

    • mackafritz

      I seriously doubt that they didn’t consider it. Someone probably told them it was too stupid even for this administration.

      • DahBoner

        Whoa whoa whoa.

        Nothing is too stupid for this administration. Nothing.

        • Lord Jim

          Trump will be outstupided by NO ONE, Trump does stupid like no other President in history. His stupid is the biggest, even bigger than George Bush’s stupid, believe me.

    • DahBoner

      He forgot the usual disclaimer….

      “At this point in time”

    • Reximus

      AP has the 11 page draft memo, dated jan 25

    • Sophia

      Trump Uses Putin Style Baiting the Press with Fake Stories To Discredit the Media

      Hate their sensational headlines at politicuusa but here’s a thought

      http://www.politicususa.com/2017/02/17/trump-white-house-baiting-press-fake-stories-discredit-media.html

      • Lord Jim

        You know, I’m about to sound like a RWNJ, but – do we actually have a traitor in the WH? Not a figurative, “untrue to what I think Murica should be” traitor, but an actual “working for a hostile foreign power” traitor.

    • thewalkindude

      “We’re not considering it because we’ve already done it.”

  • Thaumaturgist

    Not just Republican members of Congress who need police protection. Obvs, state senators in Texas need police protection too. What is Murica coming to?

    • Nounverb911

      Well, he doesn’t want to bleed from his “whereever”.

    • Nockular cavity

      Well, at least the table needs protection.

    • Résistance Land Shark

      What is Murica coming to?

      We’ve elected a bunch of special snowflakes who need safe spaces?

      Strom Thurmond and Teddy Kennedy are rolling their graves.

    • DahBoner

      Well, Criminals in prison need police protection, too.

  • Hanaka

    When you decide to legislate our lives and our reproductive choices without regard to the real life consequences, we will not shut up. We will never shut up. So keep on banging, dickhead.

    • Suttree

      There will be some of us backing you up. I may not have stood in front of PP as of yet, but at some point I always have a conversation with guy and gal friends.

  • Reximus
    • marxalot

      OUCH!

  • capnkrunch

    2. Since he is a physician, Schwertner doubtless knows but does not care
    that only 10 percent of abortions are in the second trimester — or that
    the second trimester is when women who would very much like to have their babies
    find out those babies have such terrible fetal abnormalities, they will
    either be stillborn or live excruciatingly short lives filled with
    excruciating pain.

    I remember back in school when I took medical terminology one thing that always stuck with me for some reason is from the Taber’s definition of aencephaly, “this condition is incompatible with life.” That is such an absolute statement. But the shitweasels would have women carry such a fetus to term only for it to die hours after birth. Never conscious. Never aware. Never feeling. Literally born brain dead.

    Never forget that this is not, and never has been, about concern for the fetuses. It’s about controlling women. Always has been, always will be.

    Fuck Texas.

    • Nounverb911

      Texas is incompatible with life.

      • Crystalclear12

        Intelligent life, anyway.

        • Mariewgamache

          Google is paying 97$ per hour! Work for few hours & have longer with friends and family! !dh241c:
          On tuesday I got a great new Land Rover Range Rover from having earned $8752 this last four weeks.. Its the most-financialy rewarding I’ve had.. It sounds unbelievable but you wont forgive yourself if you don’t check it
          !dh241c:
          ➽➽
          ➽➽;➽➽ http://GoogleFinancialCashJobs541ShopReviewsGetPaid$97/Hour ★★★✫★★★✫★★★✫★★★✫★★★✫★★★✫★★★✫★★★✫★★★✫★★★✫★★★✫★★★✫★★★✫::::::!dh241c:….,……..

    • ChrisTS

      I read some time back that medical science could (at that point) keep some encephalitic infants ‘alive’ for up to a year.

      How long do you think it will be before the Rs insist that such babies be sustained as long as possible?

  • Relativicus

    “See what you made me do?”

    • CogitoErgoBibo

      OMG. That is trigger language. [*shudder*]

      • Martini Ambassador

        It is, and it’s just like something Herr Twitler would say to the whole friggin’ country over some perceived slight. Some days I feel like I’m living in a really bad Lifetime channel movie.

        • CogitoErgoBibo

          “See what you made me do? I didn’t want to start a nuclear war, but you just wouldn’t leave it alone.”

          • theCryptofishist

            You know who else say “She what you made me do?”

    • snark-lurker

      i am afraid to look

  • Résistance Land Shark
    • snark-lurker

      been a long time since i last saw this i love it

  • Suttree

    I had a conversation with an old friend last night. Somehow our drunken meanderings came to abortion. After trying to tell him that it isn’t a fully formed human inside that is crying for dada, he said that yes it is. When asked about men, he said use a condom, but it doesn’t matter because if you impregnate her she has to have it. I thought that he was just playing his hand to work the other side of the argument. I was wrong. I have one less friend today.

    • TJ Barke

      I’m really about done trying to have civil conversations with these people.

      • Suttree

        I had know this guy forever and I knew he was crazy, but I thought that he would be willing to converse about it because he is really intelligent. I was wrong.

        • Shanzgood

          So he meant LEGALLY people should be forced to remain pregnant and give birth? Or was he just having drunken sads on the subject?

          • Suttree

            Legally. Punishable by law. It is no longer a woman’s choice after she gets pregnant. From the moment of conception. He did allow for plan B. But after 72 hours. Nope Fuck You. It isn’t like he was talking out of his ass. He said Plan B was the last resort. After that fuck you. No amount of talking about how babby is formed makes a difference. “Nope you got pregnant, fuck you.” Verbatim with quote marks.

          • Shanzgood

            Fantastic. Was he aware that 1 in 3 women have had an abortion and 2/3 of them are already parents? They should all, what? Go to jail?

            Idiot.

          • Suttree

            As I said. No longer a friend. He justified it by saying that he had never had an abortion. Ex-wife three children. Ex-gf two miscarriages. Something something gawd. A few years ago I would have known that he was trolling me, but he has gone off of the deep end after M. broke up with him. He is literally not allowed in any of the three neighborhood bars that we used to frequent. And I spent about 5 years in a bar with him acting like A idiot. But back then the bartenders loved us because we were neighborhood and as stupid as we were, we treated everyone with respect and tipped well. I went to the one bar on and off for 15 years and never got kicked out. The worst that would happen would be getting cut off, and having a cab paid for by the establishment. Sometimes a pizza.

          • CindyinEncinitas

            I was making friends with a guy at my local place who is angry and difficult and conservative, but we found a comfortable place to co-exist and we started having fun. He even hit on me a couple times when he was drunk. Then, night before last, he declares there is no such thing as racism. I took him on and at one point he claimed immigration isn’t a big deal because his dad was an immigrant and he was fine. I asked him from where and he said England. We are no longer friends. Fucker supervises a team of Hispanic workers and to know that he thinks racism is all in their heads makes me sick. Oh, and he has an MBA.

          • Suttree

            I feel your pain Cindy. I lived down south for 20 years. Never have so many “proper” southerns heard a yankee screaming at them to shut the fuck up with their derogatory terms while claiming to not be racists. Or being outright racists and looking confused because I got in their face about it. I am white as fuck, and affected a southern drawl after a decade. People would consistently tell me shit because they figured that I was one of the boys. I didn’t have many friends, and the ones that I did have, were careful with their words around me. I think that I changed one persons mind. Once. Out of hundreds of people. It was worth it!

          • CindyinEncinitas

            See, that’s what is upsetting. I had enough respectful exchanges of ideas with him that he started to trust me and he even told me the other night that he cares what I think because he respects me, but I don’t think people challenge him much. He’s either hanging with other racists or with subordinates. I think he may have had his mind blown that I was standing toe-to-toe with him suggesting he walk a mile in someone else’s shoes. That’s not disrespectful and something that might penetrate his crust. I am hopeful but skeptical he can cross that bridge. He’s fun and he has a boat.

          • Suttree

            At times I have thought that some people were just mentally incapable to have empathy. But it is a learned trait and if we all pitch in, maybe we can change a few people in our lifetimes. It is an unforgiving job, but worthwhile.

          • CindyinEncinitas

            Fuck yeah, bro. Let’s keep each other strong as we fight the derp out in the wild. I couldn’t do it without you. (hugs)

          • Suttree
          • Grrrr…

            A boat and an MBA, and you expect him to have a soul? Just sayin…

          • Grrrr…

            Ohhhh — EX wife. So a woman has to carry a mistakenly conceived cluster of cells to term and then raise the child, but a man doesn’t have to stick around to raise-till-age-22 the three actual children he helped put on Earth. No penalties for him, no jail time, no societal censure.
            …. Yeah, I’m good with that!

      • mancityRed6

        my argument begins and ends with, “don’t like it? don’t have one.”

      • Grrrr…

        about done? :)

    • CogitoErgoBibo

      Crap. I’m really sorry. It sucks when that happens. Of course it sucks more that these people exist. Not that they shouldn’t exist, per se! You know what I mean.

    • Niblet58

      he’s obviously one of those morons who think a fetus is a humonculus… https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Homunculus

      • cats530

        “Well, here’s some medical research we hadn’t heard about. Generations Radio host Kevin Swanson, who last week delved memorably into feminist theory, tells us this week
        that “certain doctors and certain scientists” have researched the wombs
        of women on the pill and found “there are these little tiny fetuses,
        these little babies, that are embedded into the womb…Those wombs of
        women who have been on the birth control pill effectively have become
        graveyards for lots and lots of little babies.”

        http://www.rightwingwatch.org/post/swanson-wombs-of-women-on-birth-control-embedded-with-dead-babies/

        • wavicles

          That sounds so sad. I never knew…

        • Grrrr…

          And all the little tykes are named “uterine fibroids.”

      • Grrrr…
  • anwisok
    • Tiny kaiju

      Identification of the speices from the top down:
      Tiny baby Bunny Goat
      A winter camoflauged Ice Dog
      Flying mice in their nursery buntings
      An actual Pokemon

    • theCryptofishist

      Things are so bad we’re moving on to DikDik jokes?

      • Skeptical_thinker

        My dik-dik is bigger than your dik-dik.

        • theCryptofishist

          I have a tea cup dik-dik.

  • Mary Sandoras
    • LucindathePook

      Oh, shit, that means they are doin’ it fer sure.

  • MynameisBlarney
    • CogitoErgoBibo

      I just got a virus block on that page. Could just be that Norton is having trust issues, but figured I’d say something.

      • MynameisBlarney

        I was getting virus blocked messages like mad here a few weeks ago.

        I bet it’s the damn rooshans.

        • CogitoErgoBibo

          No doubt they’re onto us. They ruin everything.

        • Zippy W Pinhead

          That, or Barron has been playing IT guy again

  • DahBoner

    Something ain’t right in the head.
    https://media1.giphy.com/media/JK4w9iKM4681i/giphy.gif

  • Anna Rompage

    “The patient & doctor should be at the center of healthcare decisions, not big govt” House Republicans…

    Go figure….

    • TJ Barke

      Unless they make a decision that we, the tiny govt, don’t approve of…

      • BearDeLaOursistance

        “No ‘bortions for you. Just drown it in the bathtub.” — Grover Norquist

    • CogitoErgoBibo

      They want government to be so small that it fits up a woman’s hoohaw and stays there.

    • ariel_gee_398

      I went to a pro-ACA rally once, and there were busses of RWNJs brought in. One woman had a sign held proudly aloft that said “My Healthcare, My Responsibility” and something about Obamacare being the real war on women and keeping our hands off her health. The irony seemed to completely miss her.

  • Nounverb911
    • Résistance Land Shark

      the Air Force reported that the FY 2016 cost per flight hour for the AF1 is $180,118.

    • theCryptofishist

      #FlyTrumpFly doesn’t seem like the kind of hashtag I want to know about. Unless it’s advising that Trump should run away where we can’t find him. I’m okay with that.

      • BearDeLaOursistance

        ♫ Up, up, to the sky! ♫ With votes.

  • Jenny

    This is my senator. I have had some run ins with him. Enough that I don’t trust myself to be in the same room with him for fear of what I would do.

    He is the rankest, cock sure, condescending, pig headed son of a bitch you could ever meet. His wife is an obgyn and frankly not much better than he is.

    They’re the epitomy of over moneyed, selfish Texans. They’re gross in every possible way.

    • Historicat

      This is my senator. I have had some run ins with him. Enough that I don’t trust myself to be in the same room with him for fear of what I would do.

      Just let us know when we need to bail you out.

      • Crystalclear12

        We really should have separate fund for that.

    • Zippy W Pinhead

      Want to borrow a shovel?

    • Sardonicuss

      He needs a lesson in reproductive control via being “kicked square in the nuts!”
      *Cartman said it!

  • Shibusa
    • Martini Ambassador

      LOL @ the last bullet: “do NOT contact me with unsolicited services or offers.”

      • Ω cynmac will never surrender

        I saw that too. Hee hee hee.

    • Sophia

      I don’t even want to know what the complimentary gift is

      • Reximus

        commemorative armband

        • Résistance Land Shark

          Trump® brand condoms?

          • theCryptofishist

            Garish, too small, and full of holes.

        • therblig

          a beautifully restored 3rd Reich swizzle stick,

      • dxyseilc of the rstesinace
        • Hardly Ideal

          And you can get those made in sintered metal. Nice!

          (seriously, 3D-printing with metal is kind of amazing. I got something as a Christmas gift for a friend once; “Wait, this isn’t just like bronze, it is bronze!”)

        • Grrrr…

          American ingenuity — I feel a little less hopeless. Thanks.

      • BearDeLaOursistance

        He builds a wall around your house… and makes you pay for it!

        • Sophia

          All my extra money goes to Wonkette to help with ad free now. I’ll just treat trump like I do the rest of my bill collectors.

    • The Librarian

      If you have to offer “incentives” (read: bribes) to get people to attend your “look at me” fest, then maybe you’re not as wildly popular as you think.

    • Usedtobeyellerdawg

      “Paid protestors”; It’s always projection with these people.

      • YoBunnyBunny

        Without a hint of shame, I’d bet they’d openly admit that the way they know people do such nefarious things is because “That’s what I would do!”

    • CindyinEncinitas

      The grass roots knows which side its bread is buttered on!

    • I don’t think even Hitler paid supporters for rallies…

      • Crank Tango

        Does free beer count?

    • TakingAmes

      Is that his jab at a Universal Basic Income? Just give everybody free #MAGA hats?

  • Panika MCD

    you forgot about the part where Sen. Schwertner always has to bitch about PP and Medicaid within 2 hours of each other. because he does. all the time.

  • Sophia

    So who is going to take one for the team and watch trump’s presser in S.C. at 1:00?

    • Sardonicuss

      Oh god no. These are going to happen every day now!
      Well, every day until the EMP’s knock out the electrical grid.

    • WomanInThePersistence

      Depends on how much wine I can drink. Since I am left coast time, I am doubting enough. My standards are low, but I do have them.

      • efoveks

        Don’t let the time zone get in the way. Any time is a good time for a glass of champagne!

    • Reximus

      sorry no…liver hasn’t recovered from yesterday’s

    • The Librarian

      I can only take the Orange one in sound bites. I’ll wait for the intertubes to parse it out to me in small doses.

      • Résistance Land Shark

        I’m hoping Colbert does another monologue with today’s rally parade shit show tonight.

      • Bebecca

        I can’t watch him live either. I go to unbiased news sources like here and Democratic Underground to get my news.

      • TakingAmes

        I just read the WaPo annotated transcripts. Can’t take the sound or appearance at all.

        • bobbert

          And that was some galaxy-class word salad, avec lies.

    • Usedtobeyellerdawg

      He’ll take credit for his three weeks in office inspiring American manufacturing to make a plane that took 10 years to design and 6 months to build.

      • theCryptofishist

        So that’s how he’s using the presidential time machine.

    • therblig

      it’s not mandatory streaming on all devices everywhere?

      i kid, of course.

      then, i cry.

      • orygoon

        I’m sorta inner-crying most of my waking hours, punctuated by bursts of bitter laughter.

        It doesn’t seem very healthy.

      • Mike Steele

        Soon enough; just ask Assaroma…

        • ChrisTS

          OMG. Assaroma. Perfect.

          • Mike Steele

            Stole it from another poster some months back; has such a nice aura to it, doncha think?

      • Ducksworthy

        That question and all questions regarding the actions of the Dear Leader should end with the word yet.

    • Asterix

      I don’t think I can sit through another one – I barely survived yesterday.

    • Anna Rompage

      I’ll likely stream it here at work, just to see if he says the same statement 5 times in a row, and mentions yuuuuuuge crowds, or how bigly he won by…

      • Sophia

        If?

      • ResistanceFictionista blondeiq

        tl;dr “306”

    • tomamitai

      I’m afraid I’ll start to feel sorry for the orange shitgibbon.

      • YoBunnyBunny

        Well, you would be a better person than me. I will always enjoy watching him eat his very own shit.

      • Duke

        Still not there.

      • timpundit

        I have no fear of that ever happening to me.

      • BrianW

        Nope, not gonna happen.

    • dxyseilc of the rstesinace

      I don’t know. CNN just aired a shot of the empty podium, and I think that’s about all I can handle right now.

      • Biel_ze_Bubba

        CNN did that during the primaries, as well.

        • TakingAmes

          MSNBC does that too, and I can’t stand it. They get a two-minute warning. Why do we have to look at an empty podium for 45 minutes while they breathlessly speculate on the latest cray cray?

          • Hey, hey, now! Don’t slander the poor podium. Podium’s been the most thoughtful and useful member of the whole administration! Podium preserves whatever quiet dignity is left in the office until SOMEONE ruins it by talking.

    • Vagenda of Rebel Scum

      Didn’t he just have one yesterday? More unhinged raving? Why do I have this sick feeling in the pit of my stomach? What lunacy is next?

  • Belasaurius

    of course it would be my state.

    • orygoon

      There are many states that are running amok. So not really.

      • CindyinEncinitas

        Ahem, Darrell Issa, but at least Gov. Jerry-of-my-heart can enact some counter-measures.

        • cats530

          I’m not a fan of Rohrabacher or McClintock either. Ugh!

        • Vagenda of Rebel Scum

          The poor alleged car their and serial arsonist almost lost his job this time around. Hopefully we can do better in 2018.

          • CindyinEncinitas

            Doug Applegate declared his candidacy for 2018 in November.

    • cats530

      Don’t feel bad, each one of our states has GOP whack jobs ; )

      • Even here in blue CT, there’s some rabid trump supporters. SIgh.

      • Vagenda of Rebel Scum

        In California, it’s pretty much everywhere that’s not LA, the Inland Empire, and the Bay Area. Everything else is pretty much red. Btw, I’ve met some blue Texans, including my future in laws and they are a breed apart. They are feisty, take no prisoners bullshit free brawlers.

        • Jamoche

          I was a blue Texan but now I’m Californian. Sorry, y’all, but Austin is no substitute for Silicon Valley.

          • Grrrr…

            Problem, tho, is being able to afford blue-villes; I’m facing it now.

        • CatCafe #ShePurrsisted

          No, it’s L.A., the Bay Area, Silicon Valley, Lake Tahoe, Yosemite, other mountain communities, and much of the Central Coast (Big Sur, etc).. The Inland Empire, a lot of it rural, was kind of Trump country, I think. And that moron Okie pocket of Orange County. I think even San Diego went blue. There’s also the whackjobs in Northern Northern California, who make common cause with the off-the-grid whackjobs in Eastern Oregon.

          • Vagenda of Rebel Scum

            Actually the IE is pretty heavily Hispanic and the cities at least went for Hillary. Mark Takano, a progressive Dem, is also from the IE, so we’re hard to categorize. California is its own country.

          • CatCafe #ShePurrsisted

            You’re right. I was thinking of interviews with Trump supporters out in the rural areas, but you’re right, the cities are, as always, more aware and informed. It’s pretty encouraging. And yes, California is its own country. 6th highest GDP in the world, rated w/ other countries, not states. I still think we should secede, but then of course we’d have all those failed states just to the East of us.

    • Vel Venturi

      At least we’re consistent. We wake up every day knowing our state has done something stupid/evil/terrible/embarrassing.

      • BrianW

        Yeah, I was born and raised here. However, I’m getting really tired of having to explain that not all Texans are like these assholes.

  • Garbageman
    • Allen Williams

      LMAO

  • Mavenmaven

    It is one step away from breaking the glass on the table to “nights of breaking glass” all around the city.

    • Crank Tango

      What you did there, I see it. Krystall klear.

      • TakingAmes

        Their burgers are shitty, though, and the place always smells like onions.

    • ResistanceFictionista blondeiq

      Isn’t there another word for that…ich nicht kan tink mit allen dis noise in mein kopf.

    • I wonder whether Schwertner named his daughter Crystal Dawn

      • CindyinEncinitas

        Detergent commercial.

    • CatCafe #ShePurrsisted

      Oh, good leap of connection, I love it. VERY apt.

  • Serai 1
    • MeerkatsRMammals

      Capt. Janeway is my hero :)

      • CindyinEncinitas

        But she’s been wearing her hair like that since 1970. Other than that, I love her.

        • MeerkatsRMammals

          It’s hard to find a hairdresser in space. Maybe they have a salon over on Deep Space Nine?

          • CindyinEncinitas

            But will she ever get there? PROLLY NOT.

        • Sister the Persister

          ‘cept for that time she was a cook in a prison somewhere….

    • Hardly Ideal

      I forget where I saw it, but someone used a choir sustaining a note as an analogy for how to deal with outrage fatigue. They try to let members take a breath in sequence; one person takes a breath, then the next person after, all the way down. You get a continuous note without hearing the individual pauses.

      Somehow, we need to figure this out for protests.

  • MeerkatsRMammals

    This is one angry dude. With a display like this, I’d speculate that he keeps his man hand strong at home (if ya know what I mean). These conservative men have NO clue what it’s like to be a woman in a situation where abortion is her only option. I love that they feel they get the right to tell us what we are/aren’t allowed to do with our bodies. Real sick of this shit. When will someone call it what it is? Radical Conservative Womb Terrorists!

    • CindyinEncinitas

      I’d like to mention to the angry dude in charge that for the vast majority of those early abortions, there is a man who walked away after impregnating someone. Apparently, men are allowed to do that without any consequences at all. Weird!

      • MeerkatsRMammals

        The men-folk are just doing their job of spreading seed. Those men-folk believe it’s our job to be incubators :( Sometimes I wonder what it would be like if dudes could get pregnant…HAHAHAHAHA! They’d change their tunes right quick if they had to go through that.

        • handyhippie65

          if we could get pregnant, birth control and morning after pills would be over the counter meds, available everywhere.

          • MeerkatsRMammals

            You’re right. They’d be available in gumball machines for a quarter, or maybe mixed in with the peppermint basket offered at the cash register of your local diner…

          • Lisa

            And you would get a week off every month (with pay) to deal with cramps and discomfort. Abortions would be legal, free, and followed by a gourmet cup of coffee.

          • Grrrr…

            I think that if men could get pregnant, they’d become the underclass — analogous to how teaching and secretarial work became less prestigious and less-well-paid once they became women’s work.
            …….. And I don’t mean this in an angry (well, not angry this second), MEN ARE SHIT kind of way; men ae not inherently shit any more than women are. Rather, humans just haven’t figured out that life doesn’t have to be one-up-one-down. Well, some have — but they’re never the ones setting policy!

      • TakingAmes

        Until their written permission is required for the woman/host to acquire said abortion, anyway.

      • squiggysmom1

        I say this all the time. It takes two to make a pregnancy. All the blame and humiliation is on on women, as if they all had Immaculate Conceptions. The plight of women who are denied access to abortion means that victims of rape will be forced to give birth and support their rapist’s baby; they will bear the extraordinary expense of caring for a child with non life-sustainable birth defects; they will suffer due to the ideation that the life of a fetus is more important than the life of the mother in dangerous pregnancies, are all things that are being taken out of the hands of women by men. It never fails to stun me that this can be happening in today’s America.

        • CatCafe #ShePurrsisted

          That is a feature, not a bug. These guys TRULY HATE WOMEN. They are FURIOUS that we might expect to be in charge of ourselves.

          They want a woman who dares to presume bodily autonomy, let alone to have sex by her own agency, to be punished, with a forced pregnancy, forced childbirth, and forced responsibility for another person for 18 years, in penury and want, and the bastard offspring must also suffer for his whore mother’s sins. They see us as plots of land to be disposed of as they want.

          You can’t force adults to donate a kidney to save a fully grown adult, or even take organs from a corpse without prior consent. But they want to force women to literally give up their entire bodies, to “save” a non-sentient clump of cells the size of an apple seed. They want us to have fewer rights than a corpse.

          They are medieval-level, vicious, woman-hating religious extremists, furious and hateful, and they MUST be stopped.

          • Well how can they use them as “trophies” of “success ” if women are expected to be treated like people (or other such radical notions)? Next you’ll be saying that a woman should be something other than an extension of male ego!

          • CatCafe #ShePurrsisted

            I know, it was so silly of me.

        • ThaagNasty

          NO no no no they are not immaculate! See, men can’t help themselves! If a vagina is near, they have an INSATIABLE NEED that overrides their intellect to put their penis in it.

          Which is why they need to stay home in the kitchen, for the safety of all.

          The men, that is.

    • Bebecca

      and he probably calls his wife “mother” like our horrible VP. They just think women are incubators.

      • Swampgas_Man

        Naw, probably calls his mom, “Host.”

  • Vagenda of Rebel Scum

    In the meantime, Texas has one of the highest infant and maternal mortality rates in the country. One advocate group said “If you’re a poor woman, it’s dangerous to have a baby in Texas”. But keep talking about abortions and funerals for fetuses, by all means.

  • notanncoulter

    he seems nice.

    • Jeffery Campbell

      Yeah, nice like herpes.

      • I’ve said this before but that’s a rousing sentiment I can give the clap to.

  • Scrofula

    Ok, let’s ignore the ‘bortion stuff and the vagina-person speaking stuff for a sec; let’s pretend you’re not all fired up by some political theatrics; you’re conducting a meeting, and you have a gavel, which is a tiny hammer meant to make an officious “thunk” sound when smacked; you have a glass table. These things don’t go together, Doctor.

    • ChrisTS

      Don’t most gavels come with their own wooden base?

      • Scrofula

        That’s what I thought. But still, would you use a hammer on a glass table, even if you were aiming for a coaster?

  • Zyxomma

    Too angry at TX to comment while respecting the rules.

  • Rick Hill

    Running around,don’t have time to copy something snarky off of antoher Wonketteer so just “fck these people. Fck them till they cry and then fck them some more.”*

    *of course fck them means give them ice cream and calmly assplain why they need to change their views on this.

  • SadDemInTex
  • SadDemInTex
  • whitroth

    Skimmed the *whole* article. Note that it says he let anti-life (they are NOT “pro-life”) speakers ramble on *twice* as long as he let her go.

    Wonder if that’s legally actionable.

  • freemdoom

    That’s coming out of your allowance, mister.

  • Pat_Pending

    Hoo boy, Texas-sized temper tantrum…

    • phoenix00

      Everything’s bigger in Texas!

  • Pat_Pending

    Speaking of cremation, please subscribe to the YouTube channel Ask a Mortician. You will learn a lot about how to deal with the dead and ways to avoid paying an arm and a leg for the rest of the body…

  • Gregory Brown

    He is so manly!

  • SeeTrain65

    Yosemite Sam here musta been pee-issed!

  • Panika MCD

    new theory: I think he just forgot how the gavel works. it’s been a while. and he hadn’t had an opportunity to bitch about Medicaid in fucking hours! plus, Lt. Gov. Dannie Goeb really dicked him on the committee make up.

    Donna Campbell is dumb, but she’s also an MD. so replacing her with Konni Burton who is dumb in a way that’s frightening (she spent all last session trying to figure out how many senators there were) and not an MD. in fact, I don’t even trust the bitch with cough syrup.

    Craig Estes is pretty nuts, but he’s been there for a long time so he knows how to act and where the bathrooms are. he was replaced with Dawn Buckingham who is brand new and committee chairs are responsible for their members–including any puppy pads that need to be purchased for the newest pet of the Tea Party. she also too does not know what a “press conference is”, how to be on time to one, how to play nice or how to do math. http://www.mystatesman.com/news/opinion/herman-when-news-conference-isn-news-conference/T5yRN9rppDnpta4Mis41DL/

    Jose Rodriguez can go on for a while, but he’s a smart boy. Borris Miles is a smart boy who needs anger management classes (how did he win that primary against Senfronia “Miss T” Thompson again? that was some bullshit).

    and, shit, he couldn’t take a potty break because now he has a Democrat as Vice Chair! that’s bound to make him break something.

  • Incoming (AKA Large) Ham

    During the big planned parenthood defunding debacle a year or so ago the state congresscritters sat around until they were bored even though there were plenty of women ready to give their testimony. They left and went to Sullivan’s steakhouse. They “tolerated” the slutty women who were in favor of planned parenthood. They never intended to vote any other way than they did, no matter how many women gave heartfelt testimony about how PP had a major positive influence on their lives.

    They. Didn’t. Give. A. Flying. Fuck.

    They don’t give a rats ass flying fuck what women want. There only interest is in tickling the no nos of those bible beatin’ hypocrite xtians who give them donations.

    It’s stunning to see them in action, you know running the state of Texas. Economy? Education? No. Regulating vaginas and public restrooms.

  • LadyLaz

    That is b.s.

  • Hollis Brown

    That linked story about the Texas lady who had to drive to AK is crazy. And long. Usually don’t have that kind of attention span, but the article was riveting and very disappointing that she had to go through hell ON TOP of learning that the baby she WANTED had fatal abnormality. I had a normal by the book experience, but like any other woman I had a nervous persistent dread of pregnancy suddenly gone wrong. But I never once thought, what if I couldn’t get an abortion? It makes no sense to punish a woman already suffering the loss of the child she wanted… to prolong and increase her anguish until the point where she has to go through the trauma of seeing her dead child, at delivery or after a brief torturous existence… that is how one chooses life? It is in Texas, so it seems. A place where the sadism is righteously inflicted, and the dignity of the unborn is affirmed through lachrymous prayer and puritanical legislation. The good men and women of Texas bravely fight for the end of abortion; meanwhile, somewhere in the shadows, death watches with sardonic tenderness overs children with fatal defects that were “saved” from abortion. In a little while, the joyful circus outside the shuttered clinics will be dancing on the infants’ graves. Those good men and women who fight for life will exalt the innocence of the sould reclaimed by God, and rejoice in their victory on his behalf, as they pray over the deformed corpses.

    I suppose I feel somewhat pessimistic about the fate of woman (and children) in Texas. It’s hellbent on outlawing abortion piece by piece until people will be writing their wills cause they’ll be preparing to die from an upcoming delivery…. better than playing God, right?

    Eh anyway, I live in California so…. we’re safe from Texas’ noble mission. Yay states’ rights

    Also Wonkette, I very much admire your courage in going it adfree. And also I appreciate that you’re free to read, cause I like free stuff. It’s that kind of enterprising spirit that makes the American dream! A dream which really is achievable, with hard work determination faith and that winning lottery ticket, yes you can. But serioulsy I hope you keep at it, and I’m glad to be able to contribute a YUGE sum of money which will be like the most you’ve gotten ever, more than anybody ever previously contributed, I guarantee you the biggest contribution margin on record…. Yeah no. but I gave so therefore I therefore I am a good person now and stuff. After all I gotta be thrifty what with the 4g of meth every 10 days and all…

    Your writing brings out my inner Weird Unbearable Person You Don’t Know Who Just Can’t Shut Up. I and the world thanks you

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