Morning Wonkers! Here’s some of the stories we may be working on today!
- President Bannon and Donald Trump want their super rich friend who specializes in gutting businesses to “review” national intelligence agencies, a move scaring intel officials right out of their shoe-phones.
- The intel community is skipping over some details when it gives Donald Trump PDB’s because they’re afraid he’ll tell Putin, or tweet what neato spy tools we’re using on bad guys in Not America.
- The GOP is currently just standing around with their old, gray-haired dicks in their hands because they’re not sure which horribly unpopular policy they should try to ram through and try to blame on President Bannon when their unimaginative failures bite them in the ass.
- Now that he’s filled out most of his cabinet with his biggest donors, Trump is ready to repay his debts with ambassadorships to all the failing European countries in desperate need of some Trump love.
- Trump will hold another self-aggrandizing rally in Florida this weekend because his poll numbers are in the toilet and he needs something to make him feel loved.
- Justice Clarence Thomas’s wife REALLY REALLY wants to start a protest movement to kick out all the spooky brown people and show how much people love Donald Trump. Maybe they could all wear matching arm bands, or knit white hats in the shape of flaccid dicks?
- After seeking help for domestic violence at a family shelter, a woman was arrested by ICE at a courthouse in El Paso County, Texas, and it’s becoming increasingly common. There’s no joke here, you should be mad.
- Congressional Republicans are desperately looking for new ways to screw D.C. out of its assisted suicide law because everyone in Trumpland must suffer, there’s no easy way out!
- The U.S. has been using depleted-uranium bullets in Syria during airstrikes on ISIS targets. It’s cool, we’re just making sure refugees die of cancer before they can get turned away at the border.
- Democrats are planning tax day protests but that’s because they’re just poor people who don’t bother looking for ways to dodge tax laws.
- Here’s your late night wrap up! Sam Bee broke down where we are today, and brought Paul Ryan down a peg or two. On the Daily Show, Trevor Noah wondered what Trump was thinking during that presser with Bibi. Over on the network side, Colbert talked about Russia and Andy Puzder, and then Seth Meyers talked with Adam Scott about why Scott’s kids protest Trump.
- And here’s your morning nice time, goats and kitties getting into shenanigans!
GIVE US MONEY! -