One of the ways we’re coping with life under Fuehrer Pussgrab is to imagine we’re living in a really fancy spy novel or a sexxxy new Netflix show about politics and espionage, so in that spirit, we’d like to share with you Chapter Eleventy, the episode where a crazy bit player who might be a more important character than we ever knew sends a crazy letter from his mom’s basement about how Hillary Clinton is the REAL villain. Come on down, Carter Page!
Page, if you’ve been reading the CliffsNotes and can’t remember, was a foreign policy adviser to Donald Trump last summer, until he “wasn’t,” and he’s known for having ties to Russia, like most of the cast members in this musical. He appeared in the Steele dossier as “guy who allegedly attended meeting with dude from huge Russian oil company Rosneft, about selling off a 19% share in exchange for the U.S. lifting all the mean sanctions that chap poor Mother Russia’s asshole.” And hilariously, 19.5% of Rosneft was sold after Trump’s election! To Trump, maybe? Ha ha dunno! See? Carter Page could be about to have his moment in the spotlight.
So of course he sent a crazy pants letter about Hillary Clinton to the Justice Department, the rambling nature of which is best characterized as “SQUIRREL! HILLARY CLINTON! SQUIRREL NAMED HILLARY CLINTON! LOOK. AT. THE. SQUIRREL. NAMED. HILLARY CLINTON!” As The Intercept (but not one of the gross whiny bitchy parts written by Glenn Greenwald) notes, Page sent the letter to the “voting section of the Justice Department’s civil rights division,” because Hillary tried to take away your civil rights, we guess, with her emails.
Because it’s long-winded and weird — though The Intercept notes it doesn’t have any spelling or grammatical errors, THANKS MICROSOFT WORD SQUIGGLY CORRECTIONS! — we will be skimming it for the funniest parts. Let’s read this together while we back away slowly:
I am writing to request your urgent review of the severe election fraud in the form of disinformation, suppression of dissent, hate crimes and other extensive abuses led by members of Mrs. Hillary Clinton’s campaign and their political allies last year. As summarized below, the actions by the Clinton regime and their associates may be among the most extreme examples of human rights violations observed during any election in U.S. history since Dr. Martin Luther King, Jr. was similarly targeted for his anti-war views in the 1960’s. I believe the information provided below can significantly assist the ongoing overhaul of the U.S. Department of Justice, as you simultaneously begin to repair your Division amidst continued pressures to instead consider frivolous Russia-related accusations from last year.
Frivolous! Nothing to see here! Squirrel! Shiny thing! Shiny squirrel! Hate crimes! Dr. King!
There is … indisputable evidence of unethical behavior by the Clintons themselves. For example, a better use of Justice Department resources in investigating the 2016 election would be determining the substance of the secret meeting between Bill Clinton and then-Attorney General Loretta Lynch. Their June 27, 2016 rendezvous at Phoenix Sky Harbor International Airport stands among many violations that should be thoroughly investigated this year …
You mean that time when they ran into each other on the tarmac and talked about their grandkids, or rather when, according to wingnuts, Bubba put Loretta Lynch in a headlock and convinced her not to prosecute Hillary for “emails,” the fruits of such meeting becoming apparent when FBI Director James Comey dropped his infamous letter 11 days before the election, while he was sitting and spinning on information about Trump/Russia collusion, from the FBI’s investigation about that? You fail, Carter Page.
I have not directly supported any political campaign since September 2016, but the continued personal attacks by former members of the “Hillary for America” campaign and their affiliates in Washington against me based on fictitious information help to clearly demonstrate these human rights violations.
Human rights violations! Pizzagate! Clinton body count!
As I consistently made clear on all occasions, my academic lecture and related meetings with scholars and business people in Moscow had no connection to the U.S. election. But the escalating discriminatory press reports against me reached proportions not seen since the 1950’s in their vitriol against Russia itself and me as an individual.
The press was a real twat to Carter Page in the 1950s. And awwww, poor puddin’, was Hillary and the press mean to your beloved Russia? Well fuck you, this is America, go suck Putin’s tits if that bothers you, oh you’d like that wouldn’t you?
Page’s contention is that there were press articles about his meetings and associates in Russia, and in his view, they were planted by Hillary’s campaign, and that this constitutes “election fraud.” Like we said above, back away from the crazy man, very, very slowly.
Before we get fully bored with reading Captain Dickcheese’s self-loathing yet masturbatory ode to himself, we should note he claims Hillary Clinton did “hate crimes” to him, because she and her staff members and surrogates (“including John Podesta, Robby Mook, and Harry Reid”) hate Catholics, pro-Russia dildo farts, veterans and penis-having men, all of which he is. He’s real wee-weed up about Hillary’s recent speech, “The Future Is Female,” which was obviously a hate crime directed specifically at Carter Page, who is still recovering from his Hillary hate crime wounds, because that’s a real thing that happened.
This boy needs therapy. The good news is we hear the Clinton Foundation is offering free therapy in the basement of the Comet Ping Pong pizzeria, directed by the ghost of Vince Foster. Just knock on the door and say the magic word, “Whitewater,” and they’ll fix you right up, Carter!
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