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History's Greatest Monster, 2016 Edition
MEAN LADY

One of the ways we’re coping with life under Fuehrer Pussgrab is to imagine we’re living in a really fancy spy novel or a sexxxy new Netflix show about politics and espionage, so in that spirit, we’d like to share with you Chapter Eleventy, the episode where a crazy bit player who might be a more important character than we ever knew sends a crazy letter from his mom’s basement about how Hillary Clinton is the REAL villain. Come on down, Carter Page!

Page, if you’ve been reading the CliffsNotes and can’t remember, was a foreign policy adviser to Donald Trump last summer, until he “wasn’t,” and he’s known for having ties to Russia, like most of the cast members in this musical. He appeared in the Steele dossier as “guy who allegedly attended meeting with dude from huge Russian oil company Rosneft, about selling off a 19% share in exchange for the U.S. lifting all the mean sanctions that chap poor Mother Russia’s asshole.” And hilariously, 19.5% of Rosneft was sold after Trump’s election! To Trump, maybe? Ha ha dunno! See? Carter Page could be about to have his moment in the spotlight.

So of course he sent a crazy pants letter about Hillary Clinton to the Justice Department, the rambling nature of which is best characterized as “SQUIRREL! HILLARY CLINTON! SQUIRREL NAMED HILLARY CLINTON! LOOK. AT. THE. SQUIRREL. NAMED. HILLARY CLINTON!” As The Intercept (but not one of the gross whiny bitchy parts written by Glenn Greenwald) notes, Page sent the letter to the “voting section of the Justice Department’s civil rights division,” because Hillary tried to take away your civil rights, we guess, with her emails.

Because it’s long-winded and weird — though The Intercept notes it doesn’t have any spelling or grammatical errors, THANKS MICROSOFT WORD SQUIGGLY CORRECTIONS! — we will be skimming it for the funniest parts. Let’s read this together while we back away slowly:

I am writing to request your urgent review of the severe election fraud in the form of disinformation, suppression of dissent, hate crimes and other extensive abuses led by members of Mrs. Hillary Clinton’s campaign and their political allies last year. As summarized below, the actions by the Clinton regime and their associates may be among the most extreme examples of human rights violations observed during any election in U.S. history since Dr. Martin Luther King, Jr. was similarly targeted for his anti-war views in the 1960’s. I believe the information provided below can significantly assist the ongoing overhaul of the U.S. Department of Justice, as you simultaneously begin to repair your Division amidst continued pressures to instead consider frivolous Russia-related accusations from last year.

Frivolous! Nothing to see here! Squirrel! Shiny thing! Shiny squirrel! Hate crimes! Dr. King!

There is … indisputable evidence of unethical behavior by the Clintons themselves. For example, a better use of Justice Department resources in investigating the 2016 election would be determining the substance of the secret meeting between Bill Clinton and then-Attorney General Loretta Lynch. Their June 27, 2016 rendezvous at Phoenix Sky Harbor International Airport stands among many violations that should be thoroughly investigated this year …

You mean that time when they ran into each other on the tarmac and talked about their grandkids, or rather when, according to wingnuts, Bubba put Loretta Lynch in a headlock and convinced her not to prosecute Hillary for “emails,” the fruits of such meeting becoming apparent when FBI Director James Comey dropped his infamous letter 11 days before the election, while he was sitting and spinning on information about Trump/Russia collusion, from the FBI’s investigation about that? You fail, Carter Page.

I have not directly supported any political campaign since September 2016, but the continued personal attacks by former members of the “Hillary for America” campaign and their affiliates in Washington against me based on fictitious information help to clearly demonstrate these human rights violations.

Human rights violations! Pizzagate! Clinton body count!

As I consistently made clear on all occasions, my academic lecture and related meetings with scholars and business people in Moscow had no connection to the U.S. election. But the escalating discriminatory press reports against me reached proportions not seen since the 1950’s in their vitriol against Russia itself and me as an individual.

The press was a real twat to Carter Page in the 1950s. And awwww, poor puddin’, was Hillary and the press mean to your beloved Russia? Well fuck you, this is America, go suck Putin’s tits if that bothers you, oh you’d like that wouldn’t you?

Page’s contention is that there were press articles about his meetings and associates in Russia, and in his view, they were planted by Hillary’s campaign, and that this constitutes “election fraud.” Like we said above, back away from the crazy man, very, very slowly.

Before we get fully bored with reading Captain Dickcheese’s self-loathing yet masturbatory ode to himself, we should note he claims Hillary Clinton did “hate crimes” to him, because she and her staff members and surrogates (“including John Podesta, Robby Mook, and Harry Reid”) hate Catholics, pro-Russia dildo farts, veterans and penis-having men, all of which he is. He’s real wee-weed up about Hillary’s recent speech, “The Future Is Female,” which was obviously a hate crime directed specifically at Carter Page, who is still recovering from his Hillary hate crime wounds, because that’s a real thing that happened.

This boy needs therapy. The good news is we hear the Clinton Foundation is offering free therapy in the basement of the Comet Ping Pong pizzeria, directed by the ghost of Vince Foster. Just knock on the door and say the magic word, “Whitewater,” and they’ll fix you right up, Carter!

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[Weird boy’s letter / The Intercept, but not one of the self-fellating parts written by Glenn Greenwald]

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  • msanthropesmr

    Lock all of them up. Lock them up. Lock them up. Has a nice ring to it.

  • memzilla Ω
  • Michael Smith

    The problem is, almost half the country will find Carter’s unsubstantiated rantings to be more reliable than the New York Times.

    • Oblios_Cap

      More like one quarter. They just scream so loud it sounds like one half.

    • Sandy Beaches

      Years ago, my cousin was abusing his girlfriend who was a friend of mine. He also took it upon himself to trash me to my family at every opportunity in an effort to undermine my credibility because he knew I had the goods on him. When I did speak up, it was difficult to convince people that I was telling the truth because he had launched such a successful campaign against me. Sound familiar?

      • Michael Smith

        Funny how sociopaths just seem to have an instinct for that.

  • peteywheats

    Remember when Bill Clinton and most of his cabinet were in constant contact with high-level contact with Russian spies? Oh wait, nevermind, it was just a consensual BJ.

    • goonemeritus

      How do you know the oral favors Trump is giving Putin aren’t consensual?

      • Rags

        Is it consensual when one partner is in a dominant power position over the other?

        • Suttree

          So long as you haven’t used the safe word.

        • peteywheats

          If the non-dominant one is an adult and free to do as she pleases, yes.

    • azeyote

      yea the Russian spies only piss on you – and you have to pay for it

  • Oblios_Cap

    Carter Page needs to go bathe in some of his newly-acquired Rosneft oil.

  • Hutch

    With Hilary and the Clinton’s mostly gone from the scene, the other side has no boogie man anymore. And Trump is, with no help from anyone, becoming the biggest boogie man ever. Of course they want to resurrect shiny-object Hilary hate!

    • Vincent Ricola

      Without Hillary hate, they have nothing and know it.

      • Hutch

        Same thing with ACA. Formerly a scary boogie man. Now, not so much.

    • georgiaburning

      They’re trying to sell that last few hundred “Lock Her Up” t-shirts left over from Christmas.

      • WhiskeyTangoFoxtrot

        That’s a pretty had cell though.

        • Alternative Pony Ron

          ISWYDT

    • Lefty Frizzell

      Just as an amusing aside – where I come from back in Blighty it’s a “bogeyman”. A “boogie man” plays rock’n’roll piano (which is much nicer).

      • Hutch

        And “roger” means something totally different there, too, I’ve noticed.

        • Lefty Frizzell

          If you’re from up north, yeah.

        • Lefty Frizzell

          I’m just going over to the guys at that table to see if I can bum a fag.

        • The Wanderer

          “It wasn’t the Almighty Who lifted her nightie,
          It was Roger the Lodger, by God.”

    • Crystalclear12

      They miss Obama. He was a great target. Black and everything!

  • TheFilmBastard

    “…though The Intercept notes it doesn’t have any spelling or grammatical errors…”

    Actually, the possessive decades in the letter are completely unnecessary. So Carter even goofed that up, the crazy twit.

  • Antonin Dvorak
  • Oblios_Cap

    Methinks the traitor doth protest too much.

  • Latverian Diplomat

    There is … indisputable evidence of unethical behavior by the Clintons themselves.

    Indisputable has became a way people label where their bullshit is thickest.

    It’s one of those words that is honored more in the breach than the correct usage, as it were.

    • Oblios_Cap

      Clearly!

    • FlemmishSpy

      Believe me.

    • Crystalclear12

      Inconceivable!

      • SkinlessGenderlessMan

        “That word you keep using; I do not think it means what you think it means.”

    • Phoenixdoglover

      Irrefutably unassailable!

    • Suttree

      These well know facts!

    • arglebargle

      Literally.

    • OddMan

      Indisputable!

      • Latverian Diplomat

        Maybe they think it’s like flammable/inflammable?

    • Little Lulu ResistanceFighter

      A lot of people are saying this!

  • Vincent Ricola

    Lighten up, Francis.

  • Crystalclear12

    Man, they can’t even do good “look, squirrel” distraction. Sad.

    It’s only a matter of time before one of these assholes turn stool pigeon.

    Just in time for summer re-runs.

  • Spotts1701, Resistance Pilot

    Who is this schmuck and why should I care what dribblings come out of his mouth?

  • Mavenmaven

    One can bet on Trump doing a lot of “Crooked Hillary” “Lock her up” and “Pocohontas” at his campaign rally on Friday.

    • Rags

      I hope he just does a lot of slipping out the back.

    • House0fTheBlueLights

      Well, now Hillz is a private citizen and can sue his libeling ass.

      • Skeptical_thinker

        Probably not. She is still a public figure.

  • Lefty Frizzell

    One of the major players in this letter had a secret meeting, and it wasn’t Bill or Hillary Clinton.

    Projection

    It’s fucking ALWAYS fucking projection with these fucking dipshits.

    • Crystalclear12

      Be thankful they learned at least one trick.

      • Alternative Pony Ron

        Did it have to be this one?

        • Crystalclear12

          It had to be a simple one, what do you think they are dolphins?

  • Blueb4sunrise
  • Blackest Noobs

    probs not related to the topic…but i was thinking this in my head:

    https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=4gDch1p4c_M

  • Cousin Itt de La Résistance

    /Carter Page is a brave man, knowing what he does about how Vince Foster died.

  • goonemeritus

    I’m a little disappointed that someone as reportedly ruthless as Hillary has spent the last few months visiting farmers markets and the like rather than doing the wet work that we are told she loves.

    • Martini Ambassador

      You have to wonder why she’s been wandering in forests so often these days, though. Easier to hide the bodies in deep underbrush?

      • goonemeritus

        Why do they always go with shallow forest graves?

        • Shan McStroppyPants

          So the animals can dig them up and destroy the evidence.

          • goonemeritus

            I’m just saying a few more hours of effort and the chances of discovery drop dramatically.

        • Gayer Than Thou

          Have you tried to dig a six-foot-deep trench in dry soil? That’s hard work! Or so my friends tell me.

          • goonemeritus

            My mother had me hand dig her new septic tank and drainage field one summer. she reasoned that a back hoe would do to much damage to her precious landscaping. 35 years latter she still flushes into that system which was painted with my blood and tears.

          • aureolaborealis

            That’s why you have your victims dig it for you. I mean, it’s not like they need to worry about having a sore back in the morning.

          • Gayer Than Thou

            They’re gonna get plenty of rest, amirite?

          • Keith Taylor

            It really is. Baiting lobster pots with the bits all around Tasmania, that’s the ticket. Or from Maine to Massachusetts if you’re a U.S. citizen.

    • MynameisBlarney

      Bruh…even the most ruthless assassins have to take a vacation every once in a while.
      Just ask putin.

    • Rick Hill

      Wet work? With Huma??

      • The Wanderer

        Go on, please.

    • Sardonicuss

      ….but at night. Knife clenched in teeth, Hil haunts the back alleys. She is coming for you Page, Manifort, Bannon…..she comes for you all!!

      • Gayer Than Thou

        What’s taking her so long?

  • Martini Ambassador

    Oh good, I get to post this again. It’s been a while:

    https://pbs.twimg.com/media/Crsh9sMXgAA2hMx.jpg

    • SadDemInTex

      I have never understood this endless hatred. Would someone please explain this. (I get the misogyny part but it runs way deeper than even that).

      • Because Slick Willy and the Queen of Mean stole their lunch in 1992. They honestly thought they would rule forever after Reagan/Poppy Bush.

        • SadDemInTex

          We can thank Ross Perot for that squeaker. I guess they thought that they could destroy everything FDR and Teddy had done AND get rid of those pesky Civil Rights. We need rivers on fire or STFU.

  • ImPEECH!

    Self-absorbed Carter Page tunes his guitar and proceeds to warble the words to Pearl Jam’s “Can’t Find A Better Man” — except for Page, the subject of the song is not the girl attracted to the wrong guy, but himself, himself unable to find a better lover than himself, to self-love.
    But for Eddie Vedder. “Oh, Eddie, please call me! Can’t find a better Vedder…” — Carter Page, bent over his guitar, vows to improve his fretwork.

  • MynameisBlarney
    • Cousin Itt de La Résistance

      Whisper: “And there is Comrade Putin with his prized pure bred Shitsyou, what command folks, we haven’t seen that at Dog Show since 1939.”

      • MynameisBlarney

        “Ooooh nooooo, he just shit everywhere! DISQUALIFIIIIIIED!”

      • Brad H

        More like a Pee-my-knees, amirite? xD

  • elviouslyqueer
  • Resistance Fighter Callyson

    As I consistently made clear on all occasions, my academic lecture and related meetings with scholars and business people in Moscow had no connection to the U.S. election. But the escalating discriminatory press reports against me reached proportions not seen since the 1950’s in their vitriol against Russia itself and me as an individual.

    They didn’t like me! INVESTIGATE NOW!!!

    https://uploads.disquscdn.com/images/c7ab356cb376ab7dc924f556b3c3d87ab7d1059b9b33b98be15960da105559c9.jpg

    • Sardonicuss

      “RED SCARE!” – Glen Greenwald

  • The Wanderer
  • Zippy W Pinhead

    STFU, Boris. We know who you work for…

  • Asterix

    His letter screams: “I’m so terrified I’m pissing myself!” I hope someone gets him diapers and meds.

  • Anna Rompage

    I say we should drop this guy into the middle of the Boko Haram controlled territory in Sudan, or one of those neighborhoods in Syria that the govt is barrel bombing, with nothing but a pocket knife & an extra pair of underwear, just so that he can experience & witness actual real human rights violations….

  • Anna Rompage

    I forgot about Carter Page…. That’s three top people in Trump’s leadership that have gone by the way side due to their connections to Russia…. Can’t wait for Chaffetz to open another investigation into the Clintons….

  • TX Dept. of Space Tacos

    OH FFS:

    “(CNN)The White House is considering tapping Stephen Feinberg, founder of a New York investment firm and a longtime friend to President Donald Trump, to conduct a review of US intelligence agencies, according to US officials with knowledge of the plans.

    There are still many issues to work out, especially because the Director of National Intelligence — by statute — has oversight over the agencies and is the President’s prime contact on all intelligence issues, one of the sources said.”

    • The Wanderer

      Heh, heh. “Tapping.”

    • Vincent Ricola

      Brilliant. I’m sure the intelligence agencies will be thrilled. No way this will backfire for my amusement.

      • Tacoclamgenda

        I am sure that they will be open and cooperative also too because that is just their way.

    • Anna Rompage

      Because a hedge fund manager knows what exactly about intelligence & investigating leaks?

      • TX Dept. of Space Tacos

        naturally there’s no reasoning given – probably cause there never was any.

    • Mr. Blobfish

      I call BS. Trump has no friends.

    • Crank Tango

      Oh hey, he has a Jewish friend.

    • Thiazin Red

      Please continue to anger the intelligence community. That will work out great for you I’m sure. Everyone will think you’re so tough and cool, and it will have no negative repercussions at all.

    • Poorly Behaved Pérsistanista

      So I just googled to see who is the Director of National Intelligence and it is some “acting” Director since James Clapper left on 1/20 and the guy who is awaiting confirmation by the Senate, Dan Coats does not appear to be qualified. He has been a Senator and a lobbyist without any apparent intelligence experience.

      But hey, what could go wrong?

  • Nounverb911
  • TX Dept. of Space Tacos

    if these were hate crimes, ole Hillary and Barack have a REAL case against the right.

  • memzilla Ω
    • Shirleyareichert

      Google is paying 97$ per hour! Work for few hours & have longer with friends and family! !di196c:
      On tuesday I got a great new Land Rover Range Rover from having earned $8752 this last four weeks.. Its the most-financialy rewarding I’ve had.. It sounds unbelievable but you wont forgive yourself if you don’t check it
      !di196c:
      ➽➽
      ➽➽;➽➽ http://GoogleFinancialCashJobs486DigitalPowerGetPaid$97/Hour ★★★✫★★★✫★★★✫★★★✫★★★✫★★★✫★★★✫★★★✫★★★✫★★★✫★★★✫★★★✫★★★✫::::::!di196c:….,……

  • Jenny

    Maybe he can ask nicely to be put on Il Douches’ spy panel instead of waving a big red flag at the people who know he is a Russian agent?!

    Oh oh oh I know! I figured it out.
    He is going to be knocked off by the russians over the Rosneft stuff because dead bitches never snitches, and here is his suicide letter blaming Hillary Clinton. Genius!

    • Rick Hill

      The fact the handwrting looks suspiciously like pence’s is merely coinkidink

  • Mr. Blobfish

    He does know trump won, right?

    • Vincent Ricola

      E.M.A.I.L.S.

  • Warned_and_Persistent

    I remember the episode when Eddie Haskell ran to the principal’s office claiming Wally intentionally threw at him in a gym class dodgeball gane.

  • TJ Barke

    Man. This shit is fucking maddening…

    • DahBoner

      One of my co-workers asked me why I was smiling so much the other day 😀

  • schmannity

    “urgent review of the severe election fraud”

    It is urgent that you do so before Hillary wins the 2016 election.

    • Nounverb911

      “Ward, don’t be too rough on the Beaver.”
      –June Cleaver

      • schmannity

        Beaver Cleaver. Worst porn name ever.

        • Gayer Than Thou

          Still better than Cleaver Beaver.

    • Moebym of the Returners

      If there was severe election fraud, then let’s have a re-do.

  • exinkwretch

    More sadness. The work of literature that most closely mirrors our present situation is not Huxley’s “Brave New World” or Orwell’s “1984.” It’s some shitty Clive Cussler yarn that critics laughed at for being too over the top.

    • TX Dept. of Space Tacos

      i liked the one with the trains – the others are shite.

    • Robbertjan Brandenburg

      Kafka’s the trial is what came to mind here

      • Suttree

        In the Penal Colony, is what it feels like.

    • The Wanderer

      Can we be sure it’s not a bad episode of Max Headroom?

      • Tacoclamgenda

        Upfist for Max Headroom reference.
        Now that I think about it there’s a similar creep out visual factor.

    • Kakkeltje

      By now it is more similar to a Benny Hill show. I almost expect yakety sax playing anytime a white house spokesperson appears.

    • Thiazin Red

      Well none of Trump’s crew is smart enough to be in a le Carre novel, so we have to make do with what we’ve got.

    • QueerPunk

      Speaking of which, what is Carl Hiassen up to these days?

  • DahBoner

    Those Sony Watchman TVs with the tiny screens are looking better everyday…
    https://uploads.disquscdn.com/images/27133a3c63a62c89ce70347fc8141fb2fdc57f02efa5b26ef774086eb6e78b8d.jpg

  • Michael R
  • Robbertjan Brandenburg

    Ok, I will be honest. It’s late in the afternoon and I have had a few Heinekens already but am I the only one who is completely lost at what hè is trying to say or imply?

    • TX Dept. of Space Tacos

      hillary = criminal.

      The exact reasoning is confusing, but that’s the gist of it.

      • Robbertjan Brandenburg

        Yes ok but how does that help HIS case?

        • Suttree

          It doesn’t! This is one of those moments he should take a vacation, shut the fuck up, and hope no one remembers him when he gets home.

          • Tacoclamgenda

            You know who else should shut the fuck up and take a vacation?

          • Suttree

            That guy who hiked the Appalachian Trail?

        • TX Dept. of Space Tacos

          that is a question for the scholars and philosophers. I speak crazy, not “batshit political hack.”

        • Vincent Ricola

          It’s a “look over there” move. Like when a child who ate an entire box of cookies tries to change the subject to that one time 2 years ago when the dog threw up on the kitchen floor.

          Russia is a hot topic, Carter Page is a Russian agent that worked closely with the Trump campaign, he’s trying to throw attention elsewhere and Clinton hate is the standard deflection tactic.

        • laughingnome

          When Republicans get power they don’t know how to stop being the assholes that they were when campaigning. That includes trying to throw wild accusations against campaign opponents. They also don’t know how to shut up about their butthurt if they are challenged at all either by the media or by law enforcement agencies who call them on their potential crimes. In this case, colluding with a foreign power to throw an election in their favor.

        • arglebargle

          SQUIRREL!!1!

        • Vagenda of Rebel Scum

          It doesn’t. It’s just ranting derp. If I were him, I’d be thinking about cutting a deal with prosecutors, going into witness protection and never, ever answering the door, especially when a couple of pretty Asian women come knocking.

          • Robbertjan Brandenburg

            With LOL shirts?

          • Vagenda of Rebel Scum

            That was a creepy sinister touch. I’m sure they were told to wear those shirts.

      • MynameisBlarney

        The reasoning is easy enough. She’s a very intelligent, experienced woman and she don’t take shit from morans.

        And that scares the absolute shit out of them,

  • Crank Tango
  • weejee

    And according to the New Yawrk Timez, in January 2017 Page was under investigation by the FBI, CIA, NSA, ODNI, and FinCEN. Page has said that he has done nothing wrong. Carter would seem you need to change your Depends™.

  • MynameisBlarney
    • Vagenda of Rebel Scum

      Rats, sinking ship, blah blah blah…..

    • Sardonicuss

      Paranoid psychopath jealous of narcissistic sociopath…a case study.

    • WhiskeyTangoFoxtrot

      It’s just more cover for his American Puppet. The Criminal is trying to distance himself from his Puppet so the press and public will stop examining the connections between the two. My guess? Swab their mouths and you’ll find the others DNA in there.

      • Occupied Territory of Kavefish

        You’re swab is aimed at the wrong end.

  • Sardonicuss

    The whole deal with the 19% gift was done through a bunch of shell companies out of Singapore.
    …..somewhere there is a trail that is going to link it to Drump Inc.
    Somebody needs to offer up enough money for some enterprising banker to hack the files of that digital trail and turn it over to ….lets say, the Washington Post.

  • Mary Sandoras

    I’m sure Larry Klayman would be happy to represent Page in these horrific hurt fee fees hate crimes perpetrated against him, if he’s not busy suing his own mother.

  • SmokinGood

    Bitch, Please. It’s not “Mrs. Hillary Clinton”.

    It’s Madam Senator-Secretary, Winner of The Most Votes and Rightful Queen of the Americas, Hillary Rodham-Clinton, Peace Be Upon Her, to your punk ass.

    • The Wanderer

      Not “Queen and the Andals, the First Men and the Rhoynar?”

      • Vagenda of Rebel Scum

        And Mother of Dragons

        • Occupied Territory of Kavefish

          And Holder of the Sacred Slap of the Bitch.

  • The Wanderer

    This asshole needs to get over himself.

  • weejee

    Jeesh. I can remember in my youth when Repelicans were thought to be the boring adults. Now they’re just the groan-ups.

    • Thaumaturgist

      Upfist for “Replicans.”

    • thewendyb

      UPFIST FOR GROWN-UPS!

  • Vagenda of Rebel Scum

    One of the “experts” advising the Trump campaign looks like he’s on the verge of some kind of breakdown. Maybe he’ll sing in exchange for immunity.

  • The Wanderer
    • Suttree

      That is a very small badger. Sneaky.

      • therblig

        i have a feeling it will mushroom soon

      • Msgr_MΩment

        We don’t need no dinky badgers.

  • azeyote

    since she lost the election everything is her fault – if she had won everything would be her fault – i guess female is the new black –

    • thewendyb

      ALWAYS HAS BEEN.
      Yono Ono said it best: “Woman is the nigger of The WORLD”

  • doggiedaddy

    Someone please make Mr Carter aware that he still can get complete psyciatractic coverage thru the Affordable Care Act, you know, while there’s still time.
    https://uploads.disquscdn.com/images/394b5479503cbc62dbe8c36a7600d2d91d9900d3a49514ababb33cb01b3a03a1.png

  • Proud Liberal

    The obvious question here is “If Trump was innocent, why isn’t he asking for an investigation into his campaign’s constant contact with Russia?” Trump is a traitor.

    • Keith Taylor

      Or a conceited idiot all the way out of touch with reality who genuinely believes HE is manipulating and outwitting PUTIN.

  • puredog

    Sounds legit.

  • Mr. Blobfish

    You laugh now, but remember who the Attorney General is.

    • exinkwretch

      “Them Russkies are fine, upstanding Christian folks. Why, they hate the darkies as much as I do!”

      • Vagenda of Rebel Scum

        And the homos, too! Bonus!

      • TakingAmes

        Not to mention the uppity women.

      • Keith Taylor

        And they believe in democracy and freedom as much as he does. Well, the kleptocrats do.

    • Unmutual Tetsu Kaba

      Guess who told Trump to hire Carter Page — Senator Jeff Sessions!

  • WhiskeyTangoFoxtrot

    The cockroaches are running scared now that there may be some actual investigating of the Russian Puppet being a paid for Russian Puppet. They are ALL moving to their fallback positions, “It’s Obama’s fault” and “HILLARY CLINTON”. The feckless Repuglican congress we have….ah forget it. Though I do like the word “feckless”. Let’s keep up the pressure for that investigation. I called my congressman today (complete kneebiter R with no balls or empathy) and left him a very nice message about how he is a traitor for not insisting that we get to the bottom of this loon’s treachery.

    • Résistance Land Shark

      Opinion don’t mean shit in court, assholes. Your perceived hate crimes don’t mean shit to the treason firing squad. Think Levenworth … and bring lube.

    • ResistanceFictionista blondeiq

      So the opposite of “feckless” would be “feckful?” Being Irish, I think I’l just feck off.

      • Keith Taylor

        You’re Irish? Another huge point in your favour, and I was losing count already. Hang in there and I will try to do this too.

    • mardam422

      Just wait till the first canary starts to sing. Probably after the next round of leaks implicating one of them in some treasonous activity. Pictures of someone with he Russian handler, maybe.

      • Sparger

        My bet is Steven Miller will be the first to sing. I figure he will start squealing on the way to the police station.

      • TakingAmes

        Nah. Manafort already took care of that one. The handler would have to be wearing an actual badge that said (in Cyrillic) Foreign Operative Handler for GRU, or something to that effect.

  • Punkysdilemma

    Other than we the liberals being really bad at fraud, I have no idea what people like Cage are talking about. Ever. Multiple words in a row does not a coherent thought make. And I’m not even smart. Or a good speller. And yet I can identify dangerous idiots when I hear one.

    • Vagenda of Rebel Scum

      I really think some of these people are starting to come unhinged. My brothers a conservative, and some nut posted on his Facebook page Libtard Russian invasion blah blah blah.
      I posted yes I am a libtard and proud of it
      Link to some actual facts
      I got some dumb one sentence bullshit reply that made absolutely no sense. I blocked the idiot. I’m not going to waste my time arguing with some rando idiot friend of my brother.
      They are so good at projection. When they accuse us of hysteria it means they are starting to become hysterical.

  • UncleTravelingMatt

    Hate crime! Somebody hates me!

    • ResistanceFictionista blondeiq

      Is hating the hateful a crime now? I thought I was doing my patriotic duty.

    • The Flaming Carrot

      Election fraud! Somebody hates me!

  • OrdinaryJoe

    So does anybody doubt now that this whole Putin sabotage of our election goes back to the Repturd primary? That phony ass photo of Ted Cruz’s dad with Oswald wasn’t some one off deal. It was part of a massive scheme that was launched in the Kremlin to get their boy Moscow Don elected. Putin used us like some cheap Times Square hooker rolling a tourist.

  • The Flaming Carrot

    The Intercept is wrong. In the first 15 seconds, I discovered three grammatical errors in the first two paragraphs.

  • Résistance Land Shark

    Which wanker is this again?

    • Occupied Territory of Kavefish

      Third-tier, section 34.5, Module 16.

  • ResistanceFictionista blondeiq

    Don’t you just love it when a completely unqualified stranger walks up to you and tries to tell you how to do your job, the job that you’ve been doing for 220 years or so? Right up there with men on the street telling me “you’d be so much prettier if you’d just smile!” Response to both dickwads: eat a bag of dicks.

  • Incoming (AKA Large) Ham

    They suck at misdirection.

  • dshwa

    So he’s Joe McCartgy and MLK all wrapped into one? Thats an… unusual pairing, to say the least.

    • BearDeLaOursistance

      “I have a list of one known Klansman in the Department of Justice!”

  • therblig

    the fact that this guy is still alive proves that hillary didn’t have what it takes to be president. maybe she just got too mellow.

    • Keith Taylor

      I suspect the real reason she didn’t become president — aside from ballots selectively trashed as illegible in largely Democrat-voting areas, and the Interstate Crosscheck System, for which damn you eternally, Kris Kobach, and maybe also, though I reckon just marginally, Russian hacking — was her bad habit of talking coherently and showing a bit too much disdain for stupidity. Oh. And having made the mistake of being born female.

  • Bitter Scribe

    Why didn’t he mention Whitewater?

    • dshwa

      Probably had a deal with a Russian billionaire regarding a wingnut bingo card.

  • The Flaming Carrot

    Carter Page exemplifies an intellectual of the New Right (all five of them!). He writes a bunch of catchphrases strung together with no logical consistency whatsoever. I’m surprised he didn’t include “virtue signaling,” “red pill,” cuck,” “alpha,” “deep state,” and “snowflake.” He can’t exactly say “globalist puppet,” because that would be too self-deprecating.

  • Geez. Conservatives really enjoy nailing themselves to crosses, don’t they?

    • OrdinaryJoe

      AOT,K

    • Jennifer R

      It’s the only reliable way for most of them to get nailed.

    • Christopher Story

      You know why it’s impossible to crucify yourself, don’t you? Because no matter how hard you try, you can never drive in the last nail yourself.

      • sgt. jmk of the résistance

        Guys like Carter Page totally find a way around that limitation – look at him up there, martyring his own self.

      • Erala Contratista

        Kinky? That you???

    • Meccalopolis

      I also enjoy nailing them to crosses.

      Dressing the height of Roman fashion …

    • Alexander Stallwitz

      The Right has a massive Matyr complex and a desire to be perscuted

  • tkrepel

    “This boy needs therapy.” Avalanches shoutout! (And even if it actually isn’t, it’s still reason enough to post this.)

    https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=eS3AZ12xf6s

  • Granny Sprinkles

    Any word on whether Hillary got peanut butter on his chocolate?

  • Vagenda and Pee-ara

    “I believe the information provided below can significantly assist the ongoing overhaul of the U.S. Department of Justice, as you simultaneously begin to repair your Division amidst continued pressures to instead consider frivolous Russia-related accusations from last year.”

    I don’t know why anyone would care that Russia helped Donald Trump win the election, and might possibly own 20% of Russia’s state owned gas company that’s worth billions. Sheesh, can’t we just all focus on what a bitch Hillary is?

    • Given how many times they keep talking tough, and telling liberals to stop being so PC, it’s amazing what whiny little shits they turn out to be when they get any pushback.

  • tj wright

    Jesus even when they’re winning (when they shouldn’t be winning) they still think they’re getting cheated. Fucktard babies. Don’t know where the stoopid ends and the mental illness begins.

    • TakingAmes

      Yeah. It’s hard to look like the victim when you’ve won everything, but they manage it anyway. See also straight white Christianist males.

      • tj wright

        Urgh just the worst. What the heck are they all compensating for so badly, aside from obviously really shitty personalities?

  • Cybirr

    Strange, but that image of HRC as a vampiress kinda of turns me on.

  • javadavis

    Is he attempting to show how this whole shitshow month of Trump is all Hillary’s fault? Where was Obama in all of this?
    Seems like he let projection take over. Surly reading this letter will give us a map of the traitor regime’s next moves.

  • Sparger

    Obvious to me he is guilty of something and is trying to deflect. I can’t wait for this house of cards to fall down, hopefully before they do to much more damage.

  • Sparger

    I get why he is blaming Hillary. If she had won he wouldn’t have all these problems. Hillary ruins everything. Thanks Obama.

  • Unmutual Tetsu Kaba
  • Alternative Pony Ron

    Oh, Carter, you sad, sad shell of a man. Face it, brah. Donnie just ain’t that into you no more.

  • Jennifer R

    Who was the crazy guy who made that Hillary photoshop, I forgot and I wanted to show off his unhinged portfolio to my roommate.

    • I Am Helpy

      It’s a sign of the times that you’re going to have to narrow that down before it can be answered.

      • Jennifer R

        The guy who made the one that is the bigass picture at the top of the page. He is THE guy who makes 90% of the Hillary/Bill/Obama is a demon/zombie/evil photoshops.

    • Keith Taylor

      You are not actually saying that Hillary Clinton is something other than a demonically possessed vampire Satanist! Are you?

      • Jennifer R

        I love when wingnuts explode when I tell them she was top 3 president material.

        • Keith Taylor

          I bet you do! But none of us will ever convince them. They argue among themselves whether Clinton or Obama was the Antichrist, the Beast whose Number is 666, or the Scarlet Woman who rides the Beast With Names of Blasphemy on its Head. Sorry if any of that is off. I’m not perfectly well up on the symbolism of Revelations. But top 3 president material? They’re still growling, “Lock her up!” Scarily high potential for a lynch mob. Or many.

          • Jennifer R

            Once they bring out god I keep mocking them until they give up and go away.

  • Meccalopolis

    Comey letter=boner killer

  • whitroth

    By the way, I did a quick google last night, and see that the 19.5% of Rosneft was sold to “The Qatar Fund”. It’s not clear to me what that is, or if outsiders can invest in it… but one wonders.

    Note, btw, that the value of that was… damn, blanking on it, can’t remember if that was $5.5B, or $11.5B.

    But there you go, Wonketteers – do some research!

    • I Am Helpy

      Also too: Qatar is one of the Middle Eastern countries that didn’t make it on to the Naughty Muslim List in Trump’s EO – and unlike most (all?) of the others, it doesn’t have a Trump Hotel. Weird coincidence, huh.

  • TakingAmes

    I object. Using an apostrophe between the decade and the “s” (1960’s, 1950’s) is grammatically incorrect. Unless, of course, he is is referring to some event of the year 1950/1960, such as “1950’s re-election of Chiang Kai-Shek,” or “1960’s sit-in at the Greensboro, NC, Woolworth’s lunch counter.” Therefore, Carter Page and/or Glenn Greenwald are dumb.

    • JustDon’tSayDieInJail

      sarcasm – ar ar!
      Unless you think apostrophe use is the only part of that letter that’s dumb…

  • disqus_lWwzrwNaw6

    This is not the first time I’ve wished the Clintons had all the lethal, unstoppable, murderous power ascribed to them by several generations of Republican loons.

    It won’t be the last.

    • Keith Taylor

      Wrong thing to wish for. Lethal, unstoppable, murderous power in anybody’s hands at all is the main thing the U.S. constitution was designed to prevent. One of the things that makes it a wise document. (Raving gibbering perversions of the Second Amendment that ignore the bit about “a well-regulated militia being necessary” notwithstanding.)

  • Mike Steele

    Thomas Friedman doing nice job now w/Wolf, calmly exposing DJT as dangerous, stupid fraud that he is.

  • You know if that letter had 200% more sanctimonious self aggrandizement, I’d swear Carter Page was just another pen name for Glenn Greenwald (I assume ol’ Glenn has his own pretensions version posted up now, I take it?)

  • Weevie

    This guy has to be Jesus Idiot’s little brother!

  • By the way, if you dare to brave the wilds of the Intercept comment section, you’ll see a a few responders willing and eager to compose their OWN Carter Page Letter 😑

  • Celtic_Gnome

    Yes, ladies and gentlemen, the inmates are indeed running the asylum.

  • Stulexington
    • phoenix00

      That’s a mighty quick turtle!

  • WampusKat

    The Intercept????? Not that I doubt Carter Page is humongous douche lying through his teeth, but has it escaped your notice that THE LIBERTARIAN INTERCEPT was behind all the “EMAILS!!!!” and fake Bernie love that brought us Trump? Or are you really this stupid? I’m going with, yes… considering: https://www.sanders.senate.gov/koch-brothers

    How many times do we need to tell you Bros that Libertarians (specifically those over at the Libertarian-funded Intercept, excluding the so-called “progressives” who continue to suck them off over there) are NOT your buddies. They are, in fact, populating the Trump transition team/cabinet to a large extent: http://www.politico.com/story/2016/11/trump-koch-brothers-231863

    Can you idiots not formulate a thought without checking in with your Libertarian opposition (Greeenwald & Co)? Also going with nope.

  • Keith Taylor

    JEFF SESSIONS is “devoted to bending the arc of history in a positive direction”? (I read it right there in Carter Page’s letter. Felt so dazed and concussed I couldn’t read further.)

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