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Are you sure you know what you're doing?
Are you sure you know what you’re doing?

Well, isn’t this a neat new trend that’s spreading like herpes in a frat house at a state school, only not nearly as fun?

A bill passed in the Florida legislature this week would effectively defund Planned Parenthood and other reproductive rights clinics by preventing state agencies from working with any organization that provides abortion care other than that for victims of rape, incest, or if the life of the woman is at risk.

If this sounds strangely deja vu to you, that’s because Ohio just enacted its own version in February. Ohio, not typically known as the Florida of whateverthefuck that region is called, decided the state could save oodles of dollars, and babies, by cutting funding for HIV testing and cancer screening. So pro-lifey!

Before good ol’ moderate Gov. John Kasich signed that monstrosity into law, the legislature provided a helpful list of places where low-income ladies could get their bidness taken care of, since the places where ladies usually get their bidness taken care of would be big fat no-nos under the law:

Senators supporting the measure have circulated a list of some 300 alternatives for low-income Ohio women seeking reproductive services.

That tally, though, includes many duplicates, dentist offices, school nurses, senior centers, addiction treatment centers, and a food bank as options for Ohio women.

And since Florida’s state motto is apparently “If It’s Good Enough For Ohio,” that’s exactly what the walking jizz stains in the Florida legislature have also advised:

[S]everal state lawmakers who have insisted that plentiful alternatives exist for reproductive and sexual healthcare have cited a list of health centers that includes dentists, optometrists, and elementary schools.

Do you see? You needn’t go to the actual vagina doctor to have your vagina looked at for vagina cancer when you can go to, for example, the Salvation Army Satellite Site in Miami. Sure the gloves the doctor uses to get up in there might be used, but think of the savings! The list also includes a number of what we are sure are very fine elementary schools, plus several mobile dental units.

No, that’s not a typo. Mobile. Dental. Units.

If you’re into irony, there’s a mobile eye care unit as well, so you can enjoy saying, “Hey, doc, my girl-hole is down there.” According to the state-provided list, the MCR Health Services Mobile Eye Care (Satellite Site) provides a wide range of health care services:

Preventative eye care focusing on disease diagnosis and management, Routine eye care, Diabetic eye exams, Glaucoma evaluation and management, Cataract evaluation, Dry eye treatment, Ocular foreign body management, Acute or chronic red eye care.

Sure, if you want to get all nit-picky about it, there’s nothing about pap smears on there or HIV testing or STD treatment, but at least you’ll know if your vag needs glasses. Wouldn’t want to spend your dollars training a Seeing Eye Vag, if common specs would do the trick.

Have we made our point? Yeah, we’ve probably made our point.

Gov. Rick Scott, who is an actual skin-sack of pure undiluted evil, has yet to say whether he will sign this bill or undergo an experimental personality transplant and try not being a dick for once in his wretched life. In other words, sorry, Florida ladies, but you’re probably about to get good and screwed. Be sure to drop by your local mobile dental unit if you’re worried you might be pregnant.

[The Guardian]

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  • Msgr_Moment

    The wife has vagina dentata, so this is excellent news!

  • Lizzietish81

    Bette Midler had a Sophie bit, where she wasn’t wearing underwear and this bothered her boyfriend so he told her doctor. She when the doctor looked down her throat he exclaimed “Sophie! You’re not wearing any underwear!”

    She thought this was neat and said “Why don’t you look up my ass to tell me if my hat’s on straight?”

  • Blender_415

    Fair is fair; all members of the FL legislature that voted for this should have all future rectal exams performed by that guy running the jackhammer down the street.

    • Msgr_Moment

      Rectal?! I’m not even sure who Al is!

    • Truly Madly Derply

      But I don’t think it is fair to give them something they’ll enjoy. Back to the drawring board!

  • Pickwicknext

    I enjoy having my vagina drilled as much as the next girl, but this seems ridiculous…

    • chicken thief

      Flossing is the new foreplay!

  • PubOption

    Rebecca, it sounds like Florida will be a good market for Wonkette panties.

    • Pickwicknext

      Floridians don’t wear panties. They ruin the lines in spandex

      • bozilingus

        Go Commando or Go Home.
        (Florida state motto)

        • SnarkOff

          The Camel Toe State.

      • PubOption

        Retirees included?

  • Gayer Than Thou

    Gynecological exam at EyeMart? Sounds legit.

    • Me not sure

      “We’re going to have to wait until you dilate, so just sit here for a while.”

  • beatbort

    If I’m not mistaken, the ladies getting checked out by the dentist was the premise for the porn film Deep Throat. Harry Reems was the dentist and Linda Lovelace his dental assistant. Or so I’ve been told…

    • beatbort

      Louie Gohmert stars as the dentist in the animal version of said film, Deep Goat.

      • Antimassacree

        I begged my agent to get me that part.

        –Erik^2

    • Michael Smith

      Classic porno. Then later they all go down to D.C. and blow the whistle on Watergate. Didn’t see that twist coming.

  • If you’re uncomfortable talking with your dentist about your vagina, you could always opt for the guy standing in back of the windowless van wearing the Female Body Inspector T-shirt. He seems nice and authoritative.

  • bozilingus

    When the conventions are over and the last months of GOTV are going strong, these actions by Republican legislatures must be broadcast 24/7 and shouted on every street corner. Voting matters!

    • NorthStarSpanx

      Uh, it needs to be shouted, like Wonkette is doing, now.

    • Celtic_Gnome

      Word. This is what happens when the majority of people who vote in midterm elections are Republicans.

  • Michael Smith

    Can these idiots die already, with votes?

    Or are there as many young people out there who will continue to support this stuff over the years, so it won’t matter?

  • I had my cavities checked recently and I’m still walking funny.

  • NorthStarSpanx

    That’s it, Obama needs to be executive ordering the shit out of these unconstitutional Red States. Fuck these sanctimonious state leges stocked with realtors, contractors and dentists!

  • AngryBlakGuy

    …the only person whose vagina should be looked at by a dentist is Carly Fiorina, considering that her vagina does in fact have teeth

    • Me not sure

      But can she lie through them?

      • Pickwicknext

        No. But her asshole is capable of champion level lies

  • OneYieldRegular

    …if common specs would do the trick

    What about those X-ray specs I bought at Weeki Wachee when I was six?

  • rocktonsam

    always with the who-ha’s these guys…

  • SayItWithWookies

    I don’t understand the problem — why, in 2003 Dubya got a bunch of communications majors and assistant campaign managers to run the government in Iraq, and that worked out just fine. Now put your feet up and — how the hell do you even see out of that thing?!

  • alwayspunkindrublic

    Amazing. When it comes time to address any of the grave national problems they’re always whinging about, they pass laws to hurt women, minorities, and immigrants. Every. Fucking. Time.

    • beingreleased

      When in doubt, go with your strengths.

      • Lefty Frizzell

        It does appear thus far to be a winning strategy. But since women, minorities and immigrants must make up a good 75% of the electorate, the counter strategy should be obvious.

        • sw19womble

          Turkeys and Christmas

  • Lefty Frizzell

    It’s disconcerting to think of the number of Florida and Ohio ladies who voted for these guys – what’s up with that?

    • nightmoth

      They’re ladies who are against women? (Class issue) Or they’re the kind of clueless young women who can say things like “I love my new job as a telephone lineman, but I’m not a feminist.” Yes, I have actually heard that.
      My fear is that it’s going to take a few hundred deaths of white middle class women from illegal abortions before voters recover their rationality.

      • Msmlg1979

        The patriarchy has used divide and conquer to it’s advantage since forever. It presents males as prizes to be won, and the defining factor of women’s value. So, women view one another as competition/enemies, and it’s harder to come together and boot this shit into the past where it belongs. Too many women are still more concerned about catching a man than being a whole and autonomous person who takes responsibility for herself.

        • YourNameHere

          MRAs have waged a pretty effective war on feminism to make it look unattractive.

          I know people are going, no, they haven’t, everyone thinks they are a joke but they’ve definitely made inroads.

          • Msmlg1979

            Yes, they have. That’s always been part of the game, and it is effective.

      • Blank Ron

        I wish I could believe that last, but after a few hundred deaths of SCHOOL CHILDREN there’s been no evidence of rationality concerning guns.

        • nightmoth

          This is true.

    • Celtic_Gnome

      The Florida and Ohio ladies affected by these bills didn’t vote for these guys. They didn’t vote for anyone, because they don’t vote in midterm elections.

  • Belasaurius

    i got a pretty hot dentist so I wouldn’t mind being checked for testicular cancer while I’m the chair. Yea, it’s a dude

    • sw19womble

      I recommend a prostate exam, also.

  • Michael Smith

    I’d like to take the Florida legislature out to lunch and then be like:

  • AngryBlakGuy

    …remember folks when you are all escaping to Canada or (Preferably) Mexico do not forget to bring your friendly neighborhood ABG who is trapped in S.Florida. I promise I don’t eat much, but I do drink a shit load

    • sw19womble

      Learn to play ice hockey (or at least fight on skates) and I think you have the perfect set of transferable skills to settle in up here.

      • AngryBlakGuy

        …believe it or not I can skate(I guess you can it that). I just love me some tropical weather/beaches

    • SnarkOff

      Holy crap, you’re in Florida? No wonder you’re angry.

      • AngryBlakGuy

        …probably the one place where I actually seem “normal”

    • JustPixelz

      From South Florida you should be able use a small boat or build a raft to get to Cuba.

      • arglebargle

        I understand they are building a wall…

    • SpideySenser

      It’s a deal. I’ll feed ya, but you’re in charge of the booze. And bring plenty.

  • sw19womble

    The US takes one more step towards becoming a banana republic. The possibility of Trump becoming President is making more and more sense each day.

  • beavertank

    Of course Gov. Voldemort will sign it. He’s endorsed Trump now, so you know he doesn’t have a shred of dignity or common sense.

    • Helena Handbag

      We Floridians knew that years ago (well, some of us anyway)

      • Biff52

        I would suggest running for your life. At this late stage, staying to fight from within is a futile gesture, at best.

  • SnarkOff

    So, then, where would guys go to have their STD tests? The nearest auto mechanic?

    • beavertank

      “Let’s just hook up the diagnostic sensor to… where the hell’s the port? Hey, Jimmy, get a load of this. There’s no port. Oh wait, it’s a non-standard connector around back… looks like it’ll fit a DMX connector, hey Jimmy grab me that DMX converter we’ll give it a shot.”

    • sw19womble

      You mean you don’t already?

      • data_ninja

        Excellent choice of venue. *golf clap*

    • Antimassacree

      Just rub some dirt on it and get back out there.

      • chicken thief

        Or spray some Windex on it. Windex treats all ills.

      • shastakoala

        Just run it under a cool tap.

    • YourNameHere

      I think most dudes in America think they will only get an STD if they sleep with another dude.

  • LarryHoudini

    “Now, when you die and get to the meeting with St. Peter, he’s probably not going to ask you much about what you did about keeping government small. And he sure as HECK isn’t going to ask any questions about pap smears and HIV testing. I’m sorry my friend, but it is very hard for me to believe that the angels in heaven at any given moment in time are discussing hoohoos AT ALL. We called it ‘sweet cooz’ in college.
    “So anyways—I forgot what I was gonna say.”

    —John Kasich (probably)

    • Me not sure

      Nice escape, Houdini!

  • memzilla

    C’mon, President Obama! You’ve got less than eleven months to get these retrograde Confederate states in line! What the HELL is taking so long? Shortage of black paint for the helicopters? Teamsters dispute at the gun-confiscation warehouses? Can’t find a new contractor for the jackboots? IP battle with Tupac’s estate over copyrighting the word “thug?” Step it up, man!

  • Spotts1701

    I’m more concerned that Florida is copying Ohio. I expect originality of evil out of the Sunshine State.

    • SnarkOff

      Ohio is black tar heroin evil. I expect bath salts evil out of Florida.

      • Pickwicknext

        I always did expect Florida to one day attempt to chew my face off

  • TheBidenator

    I know that when I go to the dentist I have them get a look at my vagina right after they clean my teeth….and I have a penis.

    We’re nearing peak Florida….

    • Me not sure

      I thought that came during the maddening mid-summer heat.

    • Pickwicknext

      Can’t the earth finally drown it to put us out of our misery?

      • BigBoppa

        Wait another 20 years.

  • JustPixelz

    As usual, I must say that if Repubicans were genuinely interested in preventing abortion they would pay Planned Parenthood (and dentist offices!) to freely provide free contraceptives.

    • Me not sure

      Dental dams too?

    • chicken thief

      Free?! SOSHULISS!11!!1!!!!

    • Pickwicknext

      Commie!

    • Blank Ron

      There is nothing at all genuine about the Rs.

    • Celtic_Gnome

      Republicans are not genuinely interested in preventing abortion. They’re genuinely interested in controlling the sex lives of women. Having sex should always have consequences, and women need to be willing to accept those consequences. Men, not so much.

  • CapnFatback

    but at least you’ll know if your vag needs glasses.

    To see all the micro-peens better, I suppose? I guess this means that Heidi Cruz’s vag will get a prescription for binoculars.

    • Antimassacree

      So that’s the bi-nocular cavity?

    • sw19womble

      Some things ought to remain unseen.

    • JustPixelz

      Penises wear monocles.

    • SuspectedDemocrat

      A vag with glasses? (quick google search) Uh…. brb

  • Tansy Geek

    If I understand correctly, Florida has huge problem with STD, especially in the older than 50 population. While I’m sure some elderly gents just whip theirs out at the senior day center, it’s not for diagnostic reasons.

    • YourNameHere

      Ah yeah The Villages!

  • TheBidenator

    I have to say it is heartening to see Republicans address women’s needs such as access to health care particularly for low income women with a full throated “fuck you!”….you stay classy, GOP.

  • JustPixelz

    This reminds of the time I went door-to-door as a vagina inspector. It didn’t work out the way I had imagined.

    • Me not sure

      When are they letting you out?

    • Pickwicknext

      That was you in the sex offender shuffle video?

    • w9anthimos

      I heard Republican administrations in several of the states are now hiring for that position.

    • AncienReggie

      Well, see? If you’d waited, bought a white lab smock and gone to Florida to do it, you’d not only have gotten away with it, you could’ve invoiced the state.

    • Gleem-McShinez

      Switch to mammograms and combine it with driving services.

      And of course, call it Boober

  • weejee

    I’m amazed they still let aeroplanes from certain socialist states land.

  • geoffalnutt

    Just say “Ahhhhhhh!”?

  • Proud Liberal

    Why do men hate women so much? W the actual F???

    • JustPixelz

      Not sure, but I’ll bet the word “latent” is part of the explanation.

    • Msmlg1979

      Fear. Self-loathing.

    • YourNameHere

      Because women say no.

    • Greg Comlish

      I find it’s just a matter of information. One big difference between how men and women perceive sexual/reproductive health is their different experiences with their own bodies. For men, everything just basically works. Every man I know is diligent about unit-testing their reproductive organs on routine basis and there are rarely any health-related complications.

      These guys may be unaware exactly how much maintenance is required for vaginal health. You got the yeast infections, the gonorrhea, the preggers, manual titty-checks, artistic labia piercings, other things. A lot men are simply unaware of how much of a challenge women face in keeping it tight. But when I sit men down and explain to them that all pussies, God bless ’em, are high-maintenance, they get it. And when they attain that understanding, they are willing to spend a lot of public money to ensure that our nation’s vaginas can be sustained in their naturally minty-fresh state.

      That’s the power of education.

  • CapnFatback

    Follow the money: I’d bet the companies that make dental dams are behind all this.

    • therblig

      dental dams
      beaver dams
      now it makes sense

  • DinkyBossetti

    ohmygod, dudes, vagina dentata is NOT a real thing!

    • JustPixelz

      My friend knows a guy who met someone that says it’s true.

      • DinkyBossetti

        Hmmm… Maybe I should have my dentist check next time I’m there. Just to be sure.

    • sw19womble

      I prefer my vagina al dente.

      • proudgrampa

        With an alfredo sauce and a nice chianti.

        • Pickwicknext

          Fava beans on the side?

          • proudgrampa

            Sure. Why not?

        • DinkyBossetti

          That sounds like an infection waiting to happen!

      • arglebargle

        Vaginal dents? I think you may want to ease up a bit.

    • Lizzietish81
      • DinkyBossetti

        I am afraid to click that link right now, but it sounds amazing!

        • Lizzietish81

          Well as Pink says, it’s kind of sad that such a thing would be needed.

      • Pinkham’s Law

        It is a sad world when something like that is invented and fills an actual need.

    • Me not sure

      Take no chances use only sugar-free gum.

    • arglebargle

      Excuse me, I saw it on the Interwebs, so there.

    • SuspectedDemocrat

      A vagina with glasses, OTOH, totally hot.

      • DinkyBossetti

        But surely it would only need a monocle?

  • SuspectedDemocrat

    So I walk into an elementary school and said, “Look, I don’t want to get this girl pregnant, do you have any contraceptives? Preferably the long-lasting kind because if it works out I plan to— HEY LET GO WHERE ARE YOU TAKING ME???”

  • chicken thief

    Well, as MLK said “I have a dream.” And as Lincoln said, just before the Gettysburg address, “what time is it? How long ’til I’m on?” And as I said, while still a young man in college “go Longhorns!” Wait, what was I talking about? Oh, yes, funding Planned Parenthood will just leave the boys in ditches.

    ~ mah main man Louie Gohmert

  • Tansy Geek

    Did you know that Florida is behind only Louisiana in the number of newly diagnosed HIV case? I guess this is one way to reduce the number.

  • YourNameHere

    Ohio is only not known as the Florida of the Mid-West because it sends all their crazies to Florida. Everyone left is just sad and beat down people.

  • Antimassacree

    It seems you have a cavity that really needs a good filling.

  • arglebargle

    Four out of five dentists surveyed recommend leaving Florida.

  • proudgrampa

    FSM help us.

    • Pickwicknext

      Offler might be a better choice for Florida related prayers.

  • cheetojeebus

    From what I understand they’ve recently signed on a new vendor for the legislature’s cafeteria, Bob’s Quickee Colonoscopy shop will be making the hotdogs from now on.

    • therblig

      they do scrutinize the buns.

  • BurgersAndFlies

    Teeth was a movie, not a documentary!

    • SuspectedDemocrat

      Well maybe if she went to her gynodentist and brushed more often she wouldn’t have that problem!

  • Proud Liberal

    Interesting fact…
    ““God Does Not Regard the Fetus as a Soul”

    Conservative evangelicals didn’t always care much about abortion or contraception. The strange story of how they came to be obsessed with them.”

    http://www.slate.com/articles/news_and_politics/politics/2014/03/hobby_lobby_and_contraception_how_conservative_evangelicals_went_from_not.html

    • SuspectedDemocrat

      Hey it’s God. He and or she will say whatever you want. In your preferred language even.

    • Courser

      Thanks for the link!

  • MrBlobfish

    Does Florida have Mobile Elementary Schools? That would be cool.

    • Spurning Beer

      Many homeschoolers live in mobile homes, so yes.

  • Pinkham’s Law

    I find myself incapable of composing a reply that does not blatantly violate several of The Rules. As I rather like not-commenting here, I will, therefore, refrain from saying what I would like to say.

  • Proud Liberal

    Small government, my ass.

    • willi0000000

      no . . . you get that checked on the plumbing aisle at the local home improvement store.

  • arglebargle

    So what happens when the dentist says, “now spit”?

    • Proud Liberal

      Oh Lord….

    • BigBoppa

      Or open wide?

      • arglebargle

        Have you been flossing?

        • Notreelyhelping

          I’m afraid we can’t save that and it’ll have to come out.

          • DinkyBossetti

            So now people will picket dentists’ offices for doing extractions.

          • BigBoppa

            Especially when done in the 3rd trimester.

          • Nockular cavity

            “It’s a canine, not a choice!”

          • SuspectedDemocrat

            You might feel some yanking or tugging.

        • BigBoppa

          “Now, brace yourself miss. This fluoride treatment might sting a little….”

    • therblig

      now, let’s talk about implants

  • AnOuthouse

    Birth control is covered under ocular foreign body management. Keep that foreign body out of your ocular and you’re all set.

  • bozilingus

    Ladies, let Dr. Teeth take care of all of your needs!

    • data_ninja

      “Really nothin’ to it, anyone can do it, it’s easy and we all know how”

    • Pickwicknext

      So, Floyd is the assistant and Animal is reception?

  • Biff52

    They missed one:

  • MrBlobfish

    Earl Scheib says: I’ll examine any vagina for $29.95. No Ups and No Extras.

    • SuspectedDemocrat

      Oh you’re going to want the undercoating.

      • Me not sure

        Tru-coat. Ya gotta have that.

    • kev

      i’ll do it for a hell of a lot less than that.

  • shastakoala

    So where would the put the laughing gas?

  • Proud Liberal

    This says it all:

    “In other words, sorry, Florida ladies, but you’re probably about to get good and screwed. Be sure to drop by your local mobile dental unit if you’re worried you might be pregnant.”

  • arglebargle

    If they would just add “Pit Crew” to the list of approved vag inspectors they could pap smear the entire southeast Daytona weekend.

    • Proud Liberal

      Nailed it.

      • arglebargle

        I did, but I’m fixed so no abortion in the offing.

    • Me not sure

      You don’t want an impact wrench anywhere near that thing. The horror.

  • The Wanderer

    I’m sorry. I got nothing.

  • Me not sure

    Eye exam? Pussy exam? You make the call.

  • Proud Liberal

    Their obsession with women’s vaginas is completely out of control. I object!

  • marxalot

    Punch of pricks.

    • Proud Liberal

      Dastardly dicks!

      • BigBoppa

        Cockamamie cocks!

    • Me not sure

      Don’t try to serve that at your next party.

      • John Smith

        I don’t care about serving it, just don’t ask me to prepare.

  • chicken thief

    538 did a map of what the US would look like if no women voted (R) – all 50 states would be blue.

    Ladies, and friends and relatives of ladies, remember that the next time you enter a voting booth.

  • Duke

    Could you give more directions to the girl hole?

    I think I’ve been horribly mislead.

    • therblig

      apparently, like georgia and alabama, it’s next to the shit hole.

  • zerosumgame0005

    I may not be a lady-type-person but I can hardly accept that the real (born that way, I mean. trans ladies are fine by me) and trans lady-types want to hear a dental drill “down there”…

    • Nockular cavity

      Depends what the attachment is, knowwhatI’msayin’?

      • zerosumgame0005

        does it have a Big Joe appliance for it? how pneumatic!

    • kev

      open wide

      • zerosumgame0005

        *shudder*

  • dslindc

    Put your vag up here and read the chart on the wall.

    Better or worse?
    *click*
    Better or worse?
    *click*
    Better or worse?

    Yup sounds like good medicine to me! FFS, Florida!

    • Proud Liberal

      We should have let them secede when we had a chance!

      • AlanInSF

        Keep hope alive.

    • Me not sure

      This chart?

  • therblig

    do they plan on banning late term root canals? won’t somebody think of the fillings?

  • MarkM

    A vag with teeth is many a man’s worst nightmare. They even made a movie about it.

  • Spurning Beer

    It pains me to report this, but the intersection of vision care and the hoo-ha region is already a thing in Florida. At Pensacola Christian College,

    Even couples who are not talking or touching can be reprimanded. Sabrina Poirier, a student at Pensacola who withdrew in 1997, was disciplined for what is known on the campus as “optical intercourse” — staring too intently into the eyes of a member of the opposite sex. This is also referred to as “making eye babies.” While the rule does not appear in written form, most students interviewed for this article were familiar with the concept.

    • …what…?

    • Me not sure

      Pensacola. ‘Nuff said.

      • AlanInSF

        I don’t know if they consciously changed the spelling in Florida or it was just the product of a time when spelling wasn’t standardized, but the city’s namesake, in Spain, is Peniscola.

        • Me not sure

          Works for me.

    • MarkM

      Jesus fucking H. Christ…

      • James Guillory

        Not at Pensacola Christian College he wouldn’t.

    • Spurning Beer

      This is the same school that has separate stairways and elevators for males and females to prevent frisky misbehavior.

      • bobbert

        Points for consistency, I guess.

        Fucking Panhandle.

    • Nockular cavity

      Burkas prevent that, you know. It’s the next step.

    • Truly Madly Derply

      It’s well known that all the pupillary dilation that occurs when the brain releases high levels of seratonin, such as during the early stages of infatuation/love, leads DIRECTLY to the cervical dilation that occurs in the median/late stages of labor.
      Sigh-Just when you think you’ve heard EVERY stupid thing, *someone adds another log to the pile. *Conservative, Christian, Cuckoo

    • AlanInSF

      Try to limit yourself to optical oral sex, people. Optical STDs are a real thing.

    • Gleem-McShinez

      If you just can’t practice eye abstinence, and aren’t ready to have an eye baby, you can always stare them in the butthole.

      • bobbert

        Send this to Garfunkle and Oates.

    • And that’s the REAL reason for Corey Hart wearing his Sunglasses at Night: eye condoms!

  • JayGoldenBeach

    The schools on the list indicate “School Related Health Services” – but I could not find what that covers.

  • Me not sure

    Massaging can help prevent gum disease.

  • Treg.Brown

    “That tally, though, includes many duplicates, dentist offices, school nurses, senior centers, addiction treatment centers, and a food bank as options for Ohio women.”

    So next time I’m in Florida and I need my testicles checked for the cancer (I’m in that age group) I can go to a middle school nurse? They’re gonna love me in Florida.

    • Me not sure

      If you hit enough middle schools you might get lucky.

  • Me not sure

    The latest in dental hygiene devices…

    • Thor E-zine

      I guess a guy that shoots arrows would need a little help stimulating the forces of evil. In comparison to: a super soldier, a technological marvel, a Norse deity, a gamma irradiated monster, and a sexy super spy. Kudos.

      • Me not sure

        Only in America.

        • Thor E-zine

          Made in China.

          • Me not sure

            Under license of a Disney owned comic book company. Vaginal Avengers assemble!

          • Thor E-zine

            Those look pricey. Hopefully the intrepid auteurs at Asylum Films are working on the Syfy Originals Revengers versions. “Revengers, congregate!” -Major USA.

          • Thor E-zine

            Major USA played by Ian Zearing (sp). He dun blew through his Sharknado stacks.

          • Me not sure

            Wholesome….

    • therblig

      no nick fury? he is the original one-eye.

      • Me not sure

        Couldn’t find a big enough box?

    • HULK SMASH YOUR BOX!

      • Me not sure

        You can’t even see the Ant Man one without a magnifying glass.

    • Boy you guys are so lucky that this is a mommyblog/recipe hub and not a comic geek forum, so you all can avoid the fan argument and flame wars that one would cause. (“I have a 44 slide Power-point presentation proving that Iron Man’s cock is more powerful than Hulk’s and why anyone that think differently is Hitler!”)

      • Me not sure

        I’m told that the Black Panther has a large anther.

  • chimichanga

    And all this damage set in motion by the creepy little mama’s boy David Daleiden who admitted the fraud and abetted by lazy, chickenshit, low-info wannabe-famous-in-their-own-little-church-social-circles “legislators”. This is a sound byte world and we’re just living in it.

  • Scooby

    Thier list forgot my house.

    • Me not sure

      Party at Scooby’s place! Bring your own speculum!

    • AlanInSF

      Sorry, but you need to be licensed in some legitimate field, such as a pet grooming or a nail salon, if you want to be included.

      • Scooby

        Would licensed sex offender count?

        • AlanInSF

          Yes, unless you’re a priest.

          • Scooby

            It’s ladies coming not little boys.

      • Querolous

        Homeopathy? Sprinkle a little water down there and your good to go.

  • Thor E-zine

    After surviving the Ebola pandemic/southwestern ISIS invasion of October 2014(Never Forget!), only to be rewarded with the re-election of Rick Scott and Pam Bondi (among others) by my fellow Floridians; I felt some levity to be in order.

    So I google-fu’d an exclusive candid photo from their post election presser and posted it to my FaceSpace.

    Some things, like horseshoe crabs and nuclear waste are timeless.

    Tl;dr- Assholes gunna asshole.

    • Thor E-zine

      Or to put it even more succinctly. ……..

  • Courser

    FFS, before you know it, us ladies will have to register our vaginas. Guns for everyone, but we gotta register ALL the vaginas. After all, you’ve gotta keep an eye on them – you never know what they’re going to do!

    Vagina owners Beware!

    • Me not sure

      Expand the Cruz Muslim patrols to include vaginal SWAT teams.

      • Truly Madly Derply

        Of course, they’d be called TWAT teams.

        • Me not sure

          I am tittering.

      • Querolous

        But no SWAB teams.

  • Callyson

    a list of health centers that includes dentists, optometrists, and elementary schools

    Elementary schools? What, does Florida think women should pop by the school nurse’s office while picking up their kids? “Since I’m here already, can I get a quick pap smear?”

    • NoGoodnik

      Many schools — I’m sure Florida is not one of THOSE states — in many states are so underfunded, they have to share a nurse in the district. I’m sure that one nurse servicing the sixty or so elementary schools in her district is going to get state funding to become a licensed nurse gynecological practitioner and have the equipment and supplies required…

      • AlanInSF

        You’re probably better off taking your vagina to the nearest home-schooler.

        • NoGoodnik

          Or boy scout… at least he would know some first aide.

    • Jenny

      The nurse at my kid’s school is a scatterbrain. No way I’d want her scraping my body parts.

    • I’m honestly surprised they made a recommendation somewhat related to a medical field and didn’t just tell everyone to see Lunchlady Doris.

    • Diane T.

      There’s an elementary school about a block away from my house. Now, I don’t have any kids, but I’m glad to know that there are medical services available so convenient to my location. I’m sure nobody will freak out if I just wander on down there and ask for the school nurse.
      “Are you a parent?”
      “No, but I need a pap smear…”

  • draNgNon

    so about that last paragraph…

    Rick Scott is about the furthest thing I could imagine from the “disinterested gentleman” our Beloved Founding Fathers envisioned as participating in government. I’m not actually so sure he’d sign a bill curtailing health care funds like that. it would eat into his own business profits, no? or are those all only Medicare?

    http://www.politifact.com/florida/statements/2014/mar/03/florida-democratic-party/rick-scott-rick-scott-oversaw-largest-medicare-fra/

  • Ionlylikecats

    Now that Scalia is dead, can the Republican Congress realize the hisses and boos of hatred, and confirm the justice nominee so these laws can be declared unconstitutional?

  • Truly Madly Derply

    I wonder how fast the law would be rescinded if all the single ladies descended en masse at the local elementary school, stormed the principal’s office, teacher’s lounge, media center and cafeteria, exposed their very scary hairies and demanded their state-approved pelvic exams? FUCK. ING. BAS. TURDS.

    • The Molten Soul

      They don’t care about the struggles of educators.

      • Truly Madly Derply

        Oh, I know that-they DO care deeply though about exposing The Children to the evils of female anatomy. Especially the sticky bits. It’s one of the few child-related issues they care about, primarily because they invented it.

  • NoGoodnik

    United Fucking States of Fucking Stupid.

    • Jen_Baker_VA

      Just putting that one on C/p Today ain’t ya?
      Slacker.
      True, tho.

      • NoGoodnik

        Only thing that seems to make any sense these days.

  • Jen_Baker_VA

    I think there needs to be law suits now, to stop this stupid from infecting other states. Now would be a good time to do a circuit judge stop, also, too, since the Supreme court is all ?
    Something about how it is unlegal to prevent federal dollars from going where federal dollars are supposed to go? Would that work, lawyer types?

    • LadyLaz

      Based on this article, it prevents the state agencies from working with PP. The state can establish laws (within the strictures of the constitution) regarding whom their agencies may or may not do business with.

      Edited to add: it’s not controlling where federal dollars go. It’s controlling its own state agencies.

      I am not sure how and to what extent states have control over federal dollars. I think it would depend on the terms under which they are receiving federal dollars. The Feds have been known to be quite forceful about attaching strings.

  • Truly Madly Derply

    Rick Scott: “I really don’t understand the opposition to dentists practicing women’s healthcare. That vagina thingy is a cavity, isn’t it?”

  • LadyLaz

    JFC.

    Here is what I really don’t understand. How on earth can the WOMEN voters be standing for this horse ****. I guarantee almost everyone one of them had premarital sex with more than one person. I am sure one of their buddies had a pregnancy scare. I was talking to a bunch of edumacated ladies recently and two of us had pregnancy scares. Condom ripped etc.

    What do they think is going to happen? More babies! Just for the pleasure of looking down on a bunch of single women.

    This has got to change. It must. Too many people being raised by single ladies and single menz.

    • Paperless Tiger

      They like to think they are voting for ‘conservatives’. Really, they are just electing crazy people. Plenty of proof, but they still don’t get it.

    • Truly Madly Derply

      It’s the most effective and insidious form of oppression ever wreaked upon a specific community–the community of women. As a woman who has been a single mother for 16 years, I can verify this. I know that my life would have been very different, I would have enjoyed greater “success,” earned more money, had greater opportunities had I not been hampered by single motherhood. Yes, I purposely chose the word “hampered”–and that’s the insidious part. You love your children more than your life and can’t imagine being without them. . . and you’re forced to choose between them and everything else.If you choose “other” (as in career, not meth) you’re not only regarded as a bad mother, you are in fact missing out on so much of what is essential to being a parent. If you choose to be more present, you sacrifice respect or opportunity in your career. It’s the ultimate Catch-22; in order to provide for your kids you deprive them of your presence. I often think of Queen Hillary’s “It Takes a Village.” It really does, but our society isn’t composed of villages, it’s composed of unyielding, dispassionate concrete and steel shrines to corporatocracy. The “family values” Right has functioned as the primary facilitator of a society that is anything but family-friendly. Even the “traditional” family needs help, because any more, traditional don’t mean what they want it to mean. Mom, dad, 2.4 kids–but both parents have to work to make the house payment and pay for the two cars, day care, and all the lessons and activities we foist on our kids to make up for abandoning them for the greater parts of their growing up. And in case any wingnuts are lurking, and NOT THAT IT MATTERS, I was married to my childrens’ father before I got pregnant, we both had college degrees before we married, and we were pretty much the stereotypical Perfect All-American Family for 8 years, until he developed a taste for cocaine and I found myself borrowing food from my neighbors to feed my kids–so I left, and forever changed my demographic. Shit happens even when you’re a White, Blonde-Haired, Grey-Eyed Heterosexual. *Points off for being a woman and a liberal.

      • Lordpnut

        The “criminal justice system” also exploits this bond to extort concessions they can’t get any other way.

        • Truly Madly Derply

          Unfortunately, I have firsthand knowledge of this reality as well. “Criminal justice system” as a phrase is interchangeable with “FUCK FUCK FUCK OH YEAH SUPER FUCK THE POORS OR ANYBODY REALLY WHO ISN’T WEALTHY OR BUTT BUDDIES WITH THE D.A.” You really can purchase justice in this great nation. If you cannot, you get shafted, and there’s not a gdam thing you can do about it.

          • Lordpnut

            My sincere sympathy. I’ve witnessed too many injustices to catalogue here, but the bottom line is this: those with resources never see the iron fist, and those without have no recourse.

      • Unfortunately I’m by myself right now, so I can’t quite give this the standing O it deserves, but I’m certainly giving it in spirit.

        In fact I had posted a quick “pro-choice” post on my blog a few months ago. With your permission, TMD, I would like to update that post with a reprinting of your powerful message. Too often I feel women’s own voices get drowned out over the shouts of zygotes (which should somehow be an impossibility) and the bizarre fetishization AND disrespt of motherhood (yes at the same time!) It’s up to you, but I would love for other prople outbthere to take a listen to want it’s realky like.

        • Truly Madly Derply

          I’m honored by the ask and of course! Thanks.

    • Diane T.

      Right, well, remember that married women bone too. And not all married women want to just have a baby every year for 15-20 years like a Duggar. And there are poor married women too, who will need family planning services. It’s not just looking down on single women. It’s all women. They hate us. When we rise up and cry about it, they tell us to close our legs (and take an aspirin?). So how is that an option for the married women? Are married people also expected to be celibate unless they decide to make a baby? Has anyone told the married men about this? You’d think that men would be just as outraged as the women because what this really says is: the State wants you to make all the babies, sure hope you can afford to raise a dozen or so. And no, we won’t expand social services to help support all of you with your enormous 10-kid families.

  • FlownOver

    “Ohio, not typically known as the Florida of whateverthefuck that region is called…”

    Usually, “upper Hell.”

  • AlanInSF

    “…Ocular foreign body management, Acute or chronic red eye care…”

    At least you can get your butt taken care of, especially if you’ve got some of those pesky ocular foreign bodies stuck up in it.

  • Jenny

    Penile swabs you know the kind used for STDs just need to be administered at all the places including dentists. Or better yet prostate exams since that is the most terrifying test men have to do at the doctor. Yes, I know you’re here to buy a golf club. Bend over.

    • Truly Madly Derply

      Penile swabs seem more appropriate for the golf store–almost Taylor-made, in fact. “Yes, I know you’re here to buy a golf club. Now I’m going to grip your shaft and put one in the hole.”

  • Thor E-zine

    Over $17,000 in savings!!! (Not pictured: free pap smear with the purchase of two crowns at Isaac Yankem D.D.S.)

    Incidentally, where the hell are there still TCBYs?

  • Thor E-zine

    “I wholeheartedly endorse the findings of the honorable commission!”

  • Gleem-McShinez

    Let’s see, dentists have special chairs, and those gyno-whatcher-callits, they also have special chairs!

    SYNERGY

    • UnsaltedSinner

      One bodily orifice is much like another, right?

  • House0fTheBlueLights

    This is just screaming for an action, with thousands of women going to these facilities, list in hand, requesting gyno services.

  • a_pink_poodle

    Another state under the control of Big Coat Hanger and Big Stairs!

  • Lordpnut

    It’s common sense, ladies. Take yer PINK EYE to the optometrist.

    • Truly Madly Derply

      Or yer cavity to the dentist.
      (But I repeat myself)

  • Gleem-McShinez

    My extremely blackened cynical side assumes that the R’s are always looking out for one of their own. Therefore, this is an attempt to benefit those gross dentists who have been accused of inappropriate sexual acts when their patients are unconscious.

    “I am innocent, your honor! I was just performing our standard uterine examination of all our female patients, as Florida law expects.”

  • whitroth

    Will someone please SUE these assholes for, like, a billion samoleans for violation of their First Amendment rights – y’know, the one about NO LAWS ENFORCING RELIGION?

    mark

  • kaw143

    I think all the ladies should go get checked out at the elementary school. Sure, you might not get any lady problems diagnosed, but the examination would be very educational for Mrs. Peterson’s second grade class.

  • OK, so, I live in FL. And I have bad teeth. Really, really bad teeth. Like I need them all removed (well, whatever is left of them) and I need dentures. And, miracle of miracles, I managed to qualify for Medicaid in FL (no ACA expansion here, so that should give you an inkling of how poor I am) and Medicaid in FL is supposed to pay for tooth removal/dentures (it won’t pay to fix teeth, or for any preventative care – you just have to wait till they get bad enough to be removed.) Anyway,the problem is, I need an oral surgeon to remove them, and there isn’t one within a 100 mile radius of my corner of Florida that will even see me, let alone remove my teeth, because they do not take Medicaid. Like, at all. For an actual dental procedure. Now if I, as a Florida Poor, cannot get my actual teeth taken care of by our fine dental professionals, what are the odds that those same people are going to roll out the welcome mat for Poorz who need pap smears?

    • HazooToo

      I feel you in your poor teeth state. The pain is no fucking joke. I hope you find someone.

  • Alex Grey

    I DOES MEDISIN GUD!!!

  • everyusernameisused

    Can someone please tell me the name of one Republican politician, currently in office, who is NOT a fucking moron?

    • Mehmeisterjr

      “In the interest of The Party, I’m going to hold my nose real hard and suggest Ted Cruz.” – Jeb (formerly JEB!) Bush

      • everyusernameisused

        It’s quite sad that this is probably the only available answer.

    • Sorry. No can do.

  • malsperanza

    Time to bring back the vagina dentata, obviously.

  • gingerland62

    That would explain the women looking for breast exams that wandered into the principal’s office yesterday.

  • guppy06

    Dry eye treatment

    I’m sure the mobile eye care unit caries a wide array of options to properly lubricate your brown eye.

  • Biel_ze_Bubba

    This seems reasonable to Republicans, because they have their heads up their asses.

  • Makes sense. I often recomend men getting their proctology exams by a handyman (“First we’re going to need a realky large drill…:)

  • Teto85

    Oh, Floriduh. Never mind.

  • Celtic_Gnome

    I’m from Ohio. I’m so embarrassed.

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