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He's thinking of ideas right now.Speaker Paul Ryan was recently asked who his least favorite president was, and you’ll never guess who he said! (Yes, you will.) It couldn’t be Obama, could it? (Of course it could.) Well, boy howdy!

Given that Ryan thinks Obama is the worstest president who ever presidented, he must think all these other presidents were pretty great compared to the ineffective Kenyan usurper currently squatting in the White House:

William Henry Harrison

Harrison refused to wear a coat or hat for his inauguration speech (the longest such address ever given at the time) in 1840 despite it being a rainy day in freaking January. He died 32 days later of complications from pneumonia. Paul Ryan thinks Harrison was smarter than Obama, who has died from self-inflicted pneumonia complications exactly zero times.

James Buchanan

Buchanan, aka “the really shitty one before we got Lincoln,” was the President who fiddled while Rome burned, doing absolutely nothing to stop the impending US Civil War. His response to the secession of 11 US states was pretty much a shrug emoji. He also looked like a very stoned Anthony Hopkins, which probably isn’t relevant, but we’re mentioning it anyway. Actual historians have consistently ranked James Buchanan as the Worst US President, but what do historians know about history anyway, is what Speaker Paul Ryan would like to know?

Andrew Johnson

Andrew Johnson showed up to his inauguration as Vice President fall-over drunk, and it was probably the high point of his political career. The only President ever impeached for non-blowjob-related offenses, Johnson also opposed the 14th Amendment, aka “the one that allowed black people to become US citizens.” Paul Ryan clearly treasures Johnson’s forethought in this area.

Richard Nixon

OK, yes, Richard Milhous Nixon literally committed treason and consigned thousands of Americans to death in order to further his own political career. Sure, he was a paranoid sociopath caught illegally recording his political opponents, leading to his becoming the only US President ever to resign from office in complete disgrace. But! BUT! At least he was never guilty of Presidenting While Black! Can Barack HUSSEIN Obama say the same thing? Speaker Paul Ryan thinks not!

Franklin Pierce

Franklin Pierce championed and signed the Kansas-Nebraska Act (which led to Kansans MURDERING THE LIVING SHIT out of each other for seven years), was a huge fan of the Fugitive Slave Act, and thought the abolitionist movement was a threat to the United States. His own party despised him so much it refused to even nominate him for Presidential re-election in 1856. He was not, however, a Mooslim Kenyan gay prostitute drug addict from Abortionstan, so clearly he’s better than Obama.

Warren G. Harding

Holy crap, did Warren G. Harding suck, you guys. His appeal for the Republican Presidential nomination of 1920 was “why not Zoidberg?” (no, we’re not kidding), and his tenure was defined by a buttload of scandals such as Teapot Dome. Warren G. Harding sucked so hard that even his scandal names were laughably stupid. His presidency is considered the most corrupt in American history, and that’s counting the ones since the Koch brothers were born. Nevertheless, he never advocated mild common sense gun reforms, so clearly he was far less of a corrupt tyrant than our current commander in chief.

Herbert Hoover

Sure, Hoover may have helped plunge the country into the Great Depression and then wasn’t able to do anything to get us out of it, but at least he was never guilty of declaring that he thought gay people should have the same marriage rights as everybody else. Hoover 1, NOBAMA 0!

Millard Fillmore

The highlight of the Fillmore administration was the Earth not crashing into the Sun. This was clearly a greater achievement than health care reform and marriage equality.

George W. Bush

LOL, we don’t even need to put anything here, right? You guys have got this one? OK, cool.

In the same interview where he declared Obama his least favorite President, Paul Ryan said his favorite President was James Madison, who owned hundreds of slaves, so Paul Ryan loves slavery, QED. Ryan also referred to Abraham Lincoln as a “founder,” which makes a ton of sense considering Lincoln was President 90 years after the country’s founding.

Paul Ryan is clearly very good at U.S. American history.

[The Hill]

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  • Nounverb911

    Ryan’s right up there on the top of everyone’s list of worst Speakers ever too, also.

    • Zippy

      tough list, what with Boehner and the Newtster

      • Nounverb911

        At least Ryan hasn’t shut down the government after complaining about his Air Force one seat, yet.

        • The Wanderer

          Yeah, he hasn’t Gingriched himself yet. I have confidence in him, though – he’ll find a way to fuck himself.

  • btwbfdimho

    In Europe, G.W. Bush would rank as a Sub-Prime Minister.

    • JustPixelz

      Also as inmate #1238B7

    • SuspectedDemocrat

      Bundle him up with some credit default swaps and unload him onto some unsuspecting sovereign wealth fund.

      • Nounverb911

        Saudi Arabia?

        • kindness

          Needz moar buttsecks. Maybe New Jersey.

  • JustPixelz

    Republicants routinely cite Ronald Raven as the bestest President ever. Better than Lincoln, Roosevelt (either/both), Clinton (who created way more jobs), Jefferson, Washington.

  • Nounverb911

    I just figured out what state Ryan is from:

    • lucidamente

      No wonder his budgets are so fucked up:

      • theCryptofishist

        Made from pure cheese?

  • SuspectedDemocrat

    It’s no surprise conservatives love Mallard Fillmore.

  • JustPixelz

    If Trump wins, Ryan will take a Silkwood Shower then become a Democrat.

    • meanlawyermom

      I keep trying to come up with a way to tell you how brilliant this comment is then deleting, but it is all of the awesome.

  • Scooby

    hey, at least he admitted Obama was president. I see this as progress.

  • Joe Beese

    They say the measure of a man is how he handles adversity.

    <>

    http://www.politico.com/story/2016/02/jeb-bush-campaign-frustration-219395

    • BadKitty904

      “maybe”?

    • Zippy

      Please clap vote

      • Joe Beese

        Typical that he’s whining about “pundits” when it’s “the American people” he piously invokes that are sending his sorry ass back to Miami.

    • Msgr_Moment

      What a RINO. Doesn’t he know to directly blame “the media”?

  • BadKitty904

    I continue to be amazed by Ryan’s freakishly HUUUGE ears…

    • Joe Beese

      Have you seen Marco Rubio?

  • Callyson

  • Spurning Beer

    Hey Ryan. Do you even lift, dude?

    • Jonny On Maui

      Physically? Sometimes. Mentally? Never…

    • Doug Langley

      That’s what bothers me. Doesn’t the guy know that compared to real lifters he has all the physique of a stick insect?

  • JMP

    Sure those presidents were all horrible, and some were criminals, but that’s nothing compared to the awful things Obama has done, like preventing the Bush recession from becoming another Great Depression, giving everyone access to health care, shrinking the Bush deficit, ending Bush’s wars, having a reasonable foreign policy that doesn’t make the US an international pariah, …

    • willi0000000

      yeah . . . but what has he done lately?

      • OneYieldRegular

        Climate change pact, wilderness preservation, gay marriage, first president to visit a prison, first president to visit a mosque, awarding Presidential Medal of Freedom to Shirley Chisholm and Yogi Berra…

    • Amy!

      Well, there were the aqueducts.

  • SterWonk

    “Ryan also referred to Abraham Lincoln as a “founder,” which makes a ton of sense considering Lincoln was President 90 years after the country’s founding.”

    Arguably, you could cite Lincoln as being a founder of The United States, as opposed to These United States. Of course, most GOPers prefer the latter to the former, so…

    • Nounverb911

      He means Lincoln helped found the CSA.

      • SuspectedDemocrat

        Most divisive President ever!

        • Zippy

          until now…

          • kindness

            I have never seen Lincoln’s birth certificate. Have you?

          • Latverian Diplomat

            There’s a reason they don’ celebrate his birthday in the South.

          • yyyaz

            “Excuse” would be more like it. OTOH, there are a fuckton of reasons why I hated living there. Twice.

          • Zippy

            I need to see the long form home title on the log cabin

    • lucidamente

      “Seven score and ten years from now, our descendents will bring forth a new derp, conceived in fucktardery and dedicated to the proposition that all money is speech.”

    • theCryptofishist

      Founder of the Republican Party, even though they’ve totally disposed of anything to do with him but bragging rights.

  • lucidamente

    Nancy Pelosi . . . John Boehner . . . Paul Ryan.

    Does anybody see a pattern here?

    • Nounverb911

      A nice women and two dicks?

      • Zippy

        sounds like a pron title

        • Latverian Diplomat

          Add a pizza place and it’s a hilarious parody pron.

          • Zippy

            I’d like an extra sausage to go…

          • Nounverb911

    • BadKitty904

      Diminishing returns?

    • Logic of Color

      …Ringo Chou…Sluggo…

    • Antonin Dvorak

      PBR?

      • Nounverb911

        The beer that made Milwaukee puke?

        • Antonin Dvorak

          MIlwaukee is in Wisconsin, Ryan is from Wisconsin, coincidence?

    • A downward spiral.

  • JoeChristmas

    To be fair, he’s not my least favorite VP candidate loser.

    • SuspectedDemocrat

      I still miss James Stockdale…

      • Nounverb911

        I miss Thomas Eagleton…

    • artem1s

      Potato, potatoe

    • BadKitty904

      Ryan aspired to the status of “warm spit.” And failed.

      • willi0000000

        he didn’t say “spit”

        • BadKitty904

          No, Garner used a fundamentally different term. But the sanitized version is the one most folks recognize, sooo…

          • Skadi

            Sort of like how Johnson didn’t say “walk and chew bubblegum at the same time”?

    • Dr. Krieger IRL

      Feels like only yesterday…

    • Latverian Diplomat

      Some of the VP winners were real losers as well. Calhoun, Burr, Agnew…yeesh.

  • tinker12

    Stay klassy Paul Ryan.

  • Shibusa

    President Trump wants to Buren down the GOP.

    • Dr. Krieger IRL

      And it’s an interesting concept, quite Franklin.

    • CalvinianChoice

      Van tastic

    • Doug Langley

      That should Pierce the veil of secrecy.

    • Msgr_Moment

      You’ll need to show us a Lincoln which he says that.

    • theCryptofishist

      I want to have some of the details of that plan, right now they’re pretty Hayesy.

  • artem1s

    who asked that pile of shit question? my gawd, lob him another softball and find out what his favorite color is. The world is on pins and needles here! How about, how many times did you fail to implement a alternate health care plan to take the place of the hated ObummerCare today? Or, have you found the keys to Boehner’s tanning bed or whisky cabinet yet? Cause you are gonna need it dude.

    • The Wanderer

      Only if an incorrect answer to “What is your favorite color?” is to be cast into The Gorge of Eternal Peril.

    • Belasaurius

      Favorite color: white.

  • Latverian Diplomat

    Madison is an odd choice for the question, because his greatest accomplishments were from before his Presidency. As President, he helped us blunder into the War of 1812 which resulted in his being the only President ever to flee the Capitol in time of war.

    • Zippy

      except for Cheney

    • elviouslyqueer

      Yea, but he married Dolly, and thus birthed delicious, delicious chocolate pastry snack cakes.

      • Zippy

        those cakes we liek

      • Latverian Diplomat

        Also a pre-Presidential accomplishment (at least the marrying part).

      • SuspectedDemocrat

        He tamed the wild west and finally put an end to that outlaw Twinkie the Kid.

        • Zippy

          What about Libby the Kid?

          (that’s Billy the Kid spelled sideways, sort of)

          • Didn’t she marry that older guy who ran for president, lost, then started hawking viagra?

          • Ian

            No, no that’s Scooter Libby, completely different.

        • Ian

          As a gay boy, I’d like to meet this…twinkie of which you spake.

      • Msgr_Moment

        You mean Dolly Ding Dong?

    • Last Hussar

      He was a wonderful president, what with the way he fed our brave boys in red by leaving his dinner for them.

  • JMP

    Now be fair to Andrew Johnson; you fail to mention one of his biggest acts, declaring amnesty for those traitors who fought in the army that committed the worst treason in American history, all to protect the “right” to own black people as slaves, as well as his other acts to treat the treason states as if they had just won the war the good guys had in fact crushed them in.

    • Indiepalin

      Andy was a good friend of all those northern carpet-munchers.

      • kev

        watch that! i’m a northern carpet-muncher and proud of it!

        • theCryptofishist

          You know who else had a reputation as a carpet muncher?

    • Skadi

      He could make a nice suit, though.

  • Lefty Frizzell

    2 things:

    Since doing deals on the sly with Iran is so out of fashion, and presidenting while Alzheimered is at least not currently a positive point, maybe there should be a place on that list for St Ronnie?

    Similarly to Rubio, I’ve never understood why Ryan is considered skilled or intellectual. They both seem to be pretty stupid to me. Ryan, although he doesn’t quite have that same Rubio knack of saying words while conveying by facial expression that he has no idea what they mean, was nevertheless able to be a devoted follower of Ayn Rand for decades without grasping that her central “philosophy” (to give it a huge benefit of the doubt) of objectivism necessarily implies atheism.

    • SuspectedDemocrat

      Reagan gets a pass because he’s the most ’80s President this country could possibly have, and frankly we deserved him. BTW, did I mention how much I hated the ’80s?

      • theCryptofishist

        By the mid-80s I was in full fledged 70s revival. I hated the 70s, but the 80s made them look good.

  • Indiepalin

    Don’t forget Benjamin Franklin, the only president of the United States who was never president of the United States.

    • SnarkTank

      Alexander Hamilton Libelz!!eleven!!1!

  • Callyson

    James Madison, “the Father of the Constitution,” is his favorite, Ryan said, because of his devotion to the separation of powers. Madison developed the system of “checks and balances” that divides the executive, legislative and judicial responsibilities among the different branches of government.

    So Paul Ryan supports separation of powers? Then I guess he supports having President Obama fulfill his constitutional duty to appoint a successor to Scalia, right?

    Ryan supports blocking Obama nomination to replace Scalia

  • kindness

    Ryan….Ryan…..this Ryan guy. Didn’t he LOSE the Vice Presidential election just 2 years ago? Talk about losers……..

  • PsycWench

    Hey, at least he didn’t mention Sarah Palin.

    • Nounverb911

      Isn’t she the one that rides Putin bareback?

      • Some of the images I get from this place are just too disturbing.

        • Nounverb911

          MISSION ACCOMPLISHED!

          • Zippy

            emission accomplished

          • yyyaz

            OUch. Use a little lube once in a while, zip.

        • ThePuckStopsHere

          Like I said, you need a safe word around this place…

  • Strepsi

    I clicked on the link and all the comments are excoriating Ryan for being a liberal RINO!

    http://gifrific.com/wp-content/uploads/2013/11/Bill-Hader-Eating-Popcorn-Smiling-SNL.gif

    • MrBlobfish

      Looks kinda like Sckreli.

    • yyyaz

      Ryan the RINO, eh? How long until the teahadis mandate SS lapel pins?

  • AngryBlakGuy

    …on my list 1 thru 10 is Dubya and Darth Lord Cheney. After that you can kinda fill them in how you like

    • willi0000000

      if you’re going by number of unnecessary-deaths-in-a-war-we-didn’t-belong-in
      i’d have to put nixon on top of the list.

      [ maybe you’re just young ]

  • Lefty Frizzell

    And another thing – any story about Paul Ryan brings to mind that lovely debate. which is nice.

    • hamletta

      Malarkey!

    • willi0000000

      you must mean this one.
      .

  • elviouslyqueer

    Oh Paul, shouldn’t you be at home with your ankles behind your ears waiting for Aaron Schock to come pay a conjugal visit?

    • BadKitty904

      You think Schock is a TOP??1?

      • elviouslyqueer

        Only his dildo knows for sure.

        • BadKitty904

          Ew.

          • elviouslyqueer

            And now it’s in your BRAIN! Mwaahahahahahahahaha!

          • JustDon’tSayDittos

            Evil!
            With apologies to KITH

      • elviouslyqueer
        • BadKitty904

          If she’s a top, then I’m former King Zog of Albania.

          • elviouslyqueer

            Oh fine. She’s “versatile,” your highness.

          • BadKitty904

            I don’t believe that, either, but I’m willing to settle for it to achieve peace in our time…

          • marxalot

            My favorite thing about this unallowed comment is that not only was Zog real, he styled himself Zog I, in the apparent belief that anyone else ever would also want to be a Zog.

          • BadKitty904

            The world wasn’t ready for a Zogian dynasty…

          • Msgr_Moment

            Oh, c’mon. Who wouldn’t want a piece of THIS?

      • Between him and Jonothon, it’s really hard to tell, they both look pretty bottomy.

        • BadKitty904

          True, that. Maybe they play cards a lot.

    • Little Lulu

      I think Trump owns him.

  • MrBlobfish

    Lincoln Tunnel is my favorite President.

    • Nounverb911

      George Washington Bridge is Chris Christies favorite president.

  • Spurning Beer

    Let’s try another one, Mr. Speaker. Who is your favorite of the Three Stooges?

    • SuspectedDemocrat

      Curly Joe! No, wait… can I phone a friend?

      • Doug Langley

        You could if you had any.

    • BadKitty904

      And your favorite color?

      • Nounverb911

        Reagan.

      • Logic of Color

        Blue. No wait…red

    • elviouslyqueer

      Larry, obvs. Because no-Moe.

  • The Wanderer

    OT, but food for thought:

    http://talkingpointsmemo.com/news/don-gosen-missouri-resigns-rumors

    So! Wide stance, or rent boy?

    • elviouslyqueer

      Sheep. Lots and lots and lots of sheep.

    • MrBlobfish

      Something about a staff’s member?

      • TheBidenator

        Bristol Palin libel!

      • Biel_ze_Bubba

        Or a member’s staff.

    • cousin itt

      Something got his goat?

    • JustDon’tSayDittos

      I’m going to go with boinking a staffer at the brewery he co-owns.

  • Aileen

    How about Andrew Jackson? He actually murdered a man and he forced a whole lot of Cherokee to walk to Oklahoma.

    • SuspectedDemocrat

      Not coincidentally, those are also Trump’s two most popular campaign promises.

      • Zippy

        the trail of Muslin tears

        • Nounverb911

          Trump wants to move all the Muslins to Oklahoma?

          • Oklahoma seems an odd place to open a fabric store. Are you sure this Trump guy is good at business?

          • Zippy

            They’d fit right in with all the other fundies

          • JustDon’tSayDittos

            Good thing they have the anti-Sharia Law law. Cain’t be to kerful!

        • Ian

          Messican actually!

    • limberrat

      Hey, Jackson threw an amazing inauguration rager and beat up his would-be assassin!

      • Aileen

        Every bad president has their redeeming qualities, I guess. Jackson could throw a good party, George W has has his endearing painting hobby.

        • Nounverb911

          I thought George W chopped down cherry trees.

          • Yeah, but he used Jeb! instead of a hatchet. Which explains a lot about both of them.

          • SuspectedDemocrat

            Sure but did he have to chop down all the cherry trees in Iraq, without a plan for what pies to bake next?

          • Ian

            Chopping orchards upon orchards of cherry trees to bake ONE, single apple pie. Sounds like the bush shock and bake doctrine. And Rumsfeld as the chef de cuisine.

          • TheBidenator

            According to Republicans he never told a lie, either…

        • Biel_ze_Bubba

          Dumbya cleared a lot of brush.
          Near as I can tell, growing brush was all his ranch did, but still – it wasn’t going to clear itself.

        • Skadi

          Giant cheeses do cover a multitude of sins.

    • Biel_ze_Bubba

      That was unspeakably cruel. And making them walk wasn’t very nice either.

  • SessileRaptor

    Warren G. Harding is Paul Ryan’s fucking spirit animal. Ryan looked at “Most corrupt presidency in history” and thought “Challenge accepted!”

    • Logic of Color

      …Monday – Friday from 10 – 3

  • MrBlobfish

    Howz all that legislating going there, Paulie? Pass any bills today?

    • willi0000000

      repealed* Obamacare 47 more times (after the two-hour coffee break and before the three-hour lunch).

      * still no replacement though

  • AngryBlakGuy

    …the hilarious thing is the GOP knows Dubya was such a category 5 shit storm that they LITERALLY pretend like his presidency never existed!!!

    -He never make an appearance at any open to the public GOP events

    -During the last 2 elections GOP candidates went out their way to even mention him by name

    -He tarnished the GOP so badly that America elected the black guy(THE FUCKING BLACK GUY!!!)

    -His brother won’t even post his last name on campaign promotions

    • lucidamente

      All of which makes Jeb! dragging him around South Carolina even more hilarious.

      • And the fact that it seems to be helping, makes this year’s republican slate look like even more of a shit storm.

        • Biel_ze_Bubba

          The fact that it seems to be helping shows how singularly pathetic Jeb!’s candidacy is.

      • cousin itt

        Like a sad Raggedy Andy doll.

      • BadKitty904

        The Bush family get-togethers must be a laugh-riot.

      • elviouslyqueer
        • Naytch

          please clap

    • Rick Hill

      I kind of think that republicans who saw the “Miss me yet?” billboards were thinking “Yeah! Obama’s even worse than THAT guy. heheheh.”

    • JoeChristmas

      Did I hear his old buddy, Ken Lay, just speak from beyond the grave?

    • Biel_ze_Bubba

      20 years? There’s a Dr. Pangloss on line 2; he wants to yell at you.

    • Msgr_Moment

      That damn President Gore. He sure did not keep us safe!

    • Msgr_Moment

      Seriously, how do you let the Great Lakes catch on fire?
      http://www.nbc.com/saturday-night-live/video/bush-state-of-the-union/n11385

    • malsperanza

      Aha, so the GOP thinks the 8th year of a presidency doesn’t count because they have erased 2008 from their memories. Makes perfect sense. W went home to Texas in November 2008 (with an approval rating of 25%) and that was it. Barely went back to Washington until the inauguration.

      As I recall, Americans of all political stripes spent November through January begging Obama to please start governmenting early, pleeze pleeeeeze.

    • Vegan and Tiara

      Unfortunately, Dubya’s suddenly peering out from the bushes. I will give him credit for one thing, and one thing only – he was smart enough to be a ghost for the past 7 years. He still hobnobbed with the rich and powerful, but he did it very discreetly and quietly. Moving to Texas and shutting the fuck up for 7 years was the smartest thing he ever did. I wish the Cheneys had followed suit.
      I’d forgotten how annoying Dubya’s voice was, and now all of a sudden I get to hear him campaigning for Jeb!. Blech…”nukular.”

    • Suttree

      And let us not forget unwanted back massages. Poor Angela!

  • Thaumaturgist

    Second thought. At least he didn’t list Ronald Reagan as a president who was better than Obama

    • Rick Hill

      I know. His political future is so over…

    • Biel_ze_Bubba

      That really was a shocker, coming from Mr. Trickle Down himself.

    • Reddishrabbit

      INPEACH the RINO!!!!1!!!!1!!!1!!1!!!

  • marxalot

    When these folks say “Founding Fathers” what they generally mean is “famous President names I remember from Not the 20th Century.” Sometimes they’ll throw in a non-President to look SMRT. So including Lincoln is really no surprise. At least he doesn’t think Adam Smith was Sec of the Treasury during the Tyler administration.

    • SuspectedDemocrat

      The Tyler administration…. Steven or Liv?

      • marxalot

        Our first Grouper-American President.

    • Msgr_Moment

      Benjamin Franklin. The only president of the United States who was never president of the United States.

  • When I want a good evaluation of presidential performance, yeah, Eddie Munster is the first person I think of asking. Pfft.

  • Jonny On Maui

    OT: The trade winds are howling and the rain/mist is going sideways and up.

    This is real and new for me folks, I did not wake and bake…

    • Anarchy Pony

      Welcome to the pacific!

      • Jonny On Maui

        WhooHoo!!

    • handyhippie65

      but without proper crispiness, how will you stand the soggy onslaught?

      • Jonny On Maui

        By The Power Of Spork!

        • handyhippie65

          spork? what are you baking upon waking?

          • Jonny On Maui

            Upon waking tomorrow I’m looking forward to a rainbow in my bowl…

          • handyhippie65

            mmmMMMmmm! rainbow bowl, and the pot of gold at the end. one of my favorite breakfasts. never forget, a friend with weed, is a friend indeed.

    • Biel_ze_Bubba

      Same here. This is one big freaking storm!
      (Maui is way out, like, past New Jersey, right?)

      • Zippy

        West on I-80 until you hit the bridge…

  • Logic of Color

    I wonder who Obama thinks the worst speaker in history is. Probably not Ryan, but still…something to think about.

  • Rick Hill

    “Paul Ryan is clearly very good at U.S. American history.”
    But he KILLS at American History on Jeopardy.(As answered by Teabagging Americans over fifty)

    • Nounverb911

      :)

  • TheBidenator

    Well, Paul Ryan knows more about history than he knows about the budget and economics so there is that…

    • Antonin Dvorak

      But more than zero isn’t that impressive.

  • TheBidenator

    Clearly Republicans say Obama is the “worst ever!” because he had the temerity to stop Sarah Palin from becoming President by beating Walnuts!!! in 2008. We all know it and they all LOVED her so clearly they have great judgment….

  • BadKitty904

    And Ryan has accomplished…what?

    • Spotts1701

      He has managed to make it this far into adulthood without dying in a freak shoelace-related mishap?

      • BadKitty904

        Or “choking on a pretzel”…

    • Nounverb911

      Avoiding his kids by going on the Sunday shows every Sunday?

    • elviouslyqueer

      His Eddie Munster lookalike game is ON FIRE.

    • Rick Hill

      Goofy workout photo shoots?

    • Roadstergal

      Top of the Log Cabin’s SILF list?

      • BadKitty904

        Ew. Not even with Lindsay Graham’s addendum.

  • arglebargle

    Why not Zoidberg, indeed.

    • Roadstergal

      Your Speaker is bad and you should feel bad!

      • Nounverb911

        Must be the 8 track tapes then.

  • Bitter Scribe

    Gee, I wonder who the worst Speaker of the House is?

  • Spotts1701

    Millard Fillmore’s only claim to fame is having a very unfunny political duck named after him.

    • marxalot

      You avi is by far the superior political birdbrain.

    • Antonin Dvorak

      And a very nice theatre in San Francisco.

  • Poly_Ester

    Hence, the sobriquet, Cheese head.

  • Antonin Dvorak

    So I was reading the linkee about Harding and apparently he was a pretty horrid public speaker, as explained by author HL Mencken, “it reminds me of a string of wet sponges, it reminds me of tattered washing on the line; it reminds me of stale bean soup, of college yells, of dogs barking idiotically through endless nights. It is so bad that a kind of grandeur creeps into it. It drags itself out of the dark abysm … of pish, and crawls insanely up the topmost pinnacle of tosh. It is rumble and bumble. It is balder and dash“.

    • Doug Langley

      Would love to know what Mencken would have thought of Dubya’s speeches.

      • Zippy

        [insert exploding head gif here]

      • SDGeoff

        Oh please, he’d eat Mrs. Palin for lunch too! In a critical, journalistic way, you know.

    • ThePuckStopsHere

      I think it was Coolidge about whom Mencken asked, when informed of his death, “How can they tell?”

    • theCryptofishist

      Do you think that this is what Scalia was reaching for with his applesauce?

  • Biel_ze_Bubba

    Historians don’t know about history any more than climatologists know about climate.
    And Ryan knows shit, which makes him a shitologist, or a shitorian, or maybe just a shit.

    • yyyaz

      Coprophagist and corporaphiliac, too, also.

      • theCryptofishist

        And a corprolite.

    • zerosumgame0005

      can he get Rand Paul to teach him how to self-certify in that?

  • IDon’tCareWhatYouThink

    Does this finally kill the “Paul Ryan is SO smart” bullshit?

    Hint: No, it doesn’t because fuck this stupid world.

    • beavertank

      I didn’t think anyone without a serious paste eating habit ever thought Paul Ryan was so smart.

      • theCryptofishist

        I feel that you are being unfair to the glue-sniffers, here.

  • Jenny

    He is as good at history as he is at math.

    • Anarchy Pony

      • Jenny

        Genius! Here’s the Nobel prize!

      • SessileRaptor

        But it did work, in that the rich now have more money. Everything is working exactly as intended.

      • Antimassacree

        The Speaker demonstrating his Koch sack technique?

      • SDGeoff

        Seriously though, isn’t this what your rwnj friends tell you is the reason trickle-down-the-leg economics never worked? I hear it all the time.

  • To be completely fair and balance: Franklin Pierce is considered by many to be our most Pretty Boy Dreamboat President.

    • BadKitty904

      I’m told he was a terrific dancer.

    • Spotts1701

      Young and fierce was Franklin Pierce
      The man without a chin.

      • SDGeoff

        He has a pretty respectable one in that picture thing.

      • Pickwicknext

        That song is how I memorize the presidents when I need to (yes, NEED, I could be on Jeopardy one day)

        • theCryptofishist

          I do not know this song.

          • Pickwicknext

            “The Presidents” from Animaniacs. Such delightfully educational programming!

    • Antimassacree

      A proto-Trump combover?

      • SDGeoff

        Naw. Prez Pierce had lots of hair. And he was President, so he could wear it any way he wanted: all over the place, it looks like.
        Trump, poor thing has no hairline to speak of, and so his head looks like Kansas in August.

    • Pierce as an “old man’:
      As James Buchanan was oft quoted: “I’d hit that.”

      • Suse

        He bears a striking resemblance to Mittens.

  • Fillmore and Pierce also forced Admiral Perry’s turgid, hairy cannon down isolationist Japan’s throat.
    I know this because I listen to Stephen Sondheim musicals.

    • dave in texas

      truefact: Barbara Bush is related to Franklin Pierce. They’re fourth-something cousins or some such.

    • theCryptofishist

      Oooh, so you’re up on the deaths of Lincoln, Kennedy, and McKinley, also, too.

  • zerosumgame0005

    don’t give a flying fuck if it’s OT or not, if you don’t like this shit you have no soul

    http://www.lucaagnani.com/van_gogh_3d_animation.php

    • That is amazing!

    • Zippy

      way kewl…

      • zerosumgame0005

        try the interactive Starry Night too!

    • SDGeoff

      Oh my stars and garters! That is bee-oo-tee-full!
      Thanks!

    • Doug Langley

      Lovely!!

    • willi0000000

      quite marvelous . . . but now i have to finish Nighthawks

      [ you bastard ]
      .

    • Blueb4sunrise

      Whoa! Frais!

    • Kurosawa had such dreams as well:

      https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=TgSIRjyQOgA

  • Villago Delenda Est

    Left out the shitty grade Z movie star, whose penny wise pound foolish approach to infrastructure maintenance became GOP dogma and led us to the shitty state of our infrastructure today. Also the insanity of shitcanning financial regulations for the hell of it, which led to a monumental S&L crisis that was “solved” by putting the bailout “off budget” by the father of the deserting coward.

    • beatbort

      You’re speaking of President Knute Rockne, right?

      • Msgr_Moment

        Win one for the Grifter.

  • Doug White

    I thought Millard Fillmore’s greatest achievement was inspiring that amazing comic strip Mallard Fillmore.

  • Alexander Stallwitz

    Herbert Hoover, I always felt was an victim of circumstance, he was in the wrong place at the wrong time.

    • BadKitty904

      Plus those collars cut off the flow of blood to his brain.

    • Zippy

      Mister, we could use a man like him again!

      • Lambsendbeds

        Didn’t need no welfare states…everybody pulled his weight !

      • Skadi

        Well, he was good at handing out canned food. He should have stuck to that.

  • Celtic_Gnome

    So, failed vice presidential candidates are like book reviewers. They can’t do the job, but they sure as hell can tell the successful people who can that they’re not doing it right.

    • BadKitty904

      Those who can, do; those who can’t, are elected to Congress.

  • PorridgeGun

    Bummer for Ryan that his least favourite president gets to fill Scalia’s seat.

  • Vienna Woods

    William Henry Harrison is the rat bastard who killed Tecumseh. Nuff said.

    • beatbort

      Funny you should mention that, because my favorite president was William Tecumseh Sherman.

      • willi0000000

        not sure if it’s a good or bad thing that he wasn’t . . . maybe we can revive Uncle Billy and get him to march through Congress this time?

        • Skadi

          One bitterly disillusioned Libertarian has suggested adding a new verse to the song:

          Now the traitors to our cause have gone to Washington;
          Thanks to them our Freedom’s work is nearly all undone;
          But with Uncle Billy we could put them on the run,
          When we come marching from Georgia.

          “Hurrah! Hurrah! We bring the jubilee!
          “Hurrah! Hurrah! The Flag that makes you free!”
          So we’ll sing the chorus from Savannah to the Hill,
          When we come marching from Georgia.

    • Vegan and Tiara

      STILL a better president than George W. Bush.

    • AnOuthouse
  • Mavenmaven

    History will not be kind to Paul Ryan or his opinions.

    • BadKitty904

      I suspect History will have no idea who “Paul Ryan” was.

      • Zhu Bajie

        He might be the subject of a doctoral dissertation at some 3d rate university.

        • BadKitty904

          Anatomy of a Non-Entity: A Thesis

  • TheBidenator

    Yeah Paul Ryan, Obama sucks so bad that he kicked your sorry ass up one side and down the other…that is what my avatar left for him.

  • TheBidenator

    Trump blamed Mittens Romneybot losing in 2012 on choosing Paul Ryan as his running mate…let that sink in.

  • beatbort

    President Obama will be considered one of the best of the nation’s modern (post-WWII) presidents and Paul Ryan will be considered a dithering douchebag. And it won’t even take very long for these truths to be generally accepted as fact.

    • SDGeoff

      Paul Ryan will have no standing in USA history.
      And he seemed so hunky with his little beard, too.

      • Villago Delenda Est

        “Believed to have succeeded monumental fuckup Speaker John Boner and promptly was lost in Boner’s shadow”.

        • Jonny On Maui

          “Boner’s Shadow”

          emo garage band???

      • Lambsendbeds

        Hunk libelz! Ewwww….

      • Vegan and Tiara

        Not even as the best Eddie Munster impersonator of all time?

        • SDGeoff

          Well…now that you mention it. You just erased hunky with icky. I’m healed.

  • UnsaltedSinner

    For my money, Dubya deserves the title more than Buchanan. While he certainly belongs among the obvious candidates, of all the historians who pick Buchanan as the worst, I’m not aware of any who has credibly described the magical mystery plan by which he was supposed to prevent the civil war. And he may have been your first gay president, so there’s that.

    • BadKitty904

      I also don’t recall Buchanan’s administration being known for rigged elections, warrantless searches, torture, detention without trial, and smearing of critics as traitors…unlike Chimpy’s.

      • Pickwicknext

        Chimp libelz!!! Jane Goodall gonna cut a bitch if she hears that..

        • BadKitty904

          But…but…but I’m an admirer of the Baroness van Lawick-Goodall’s work!

    • Vegan and Tiara

      I think Dumbya was the worst president of my lifetime, and I was alive when Nixon was in office. Nixon was a paranoid, traitorous asshole, but he had a few good ideas, and he didn’t crash the world economy. I can not think of ONE good thing Dumbya did.

      • UnsaltedSinner

        Nixon was a crook, but at least he was a pretty talented crook. Dubya couldn’t even do villainy well.

        • Vegan and Tiara

          Nixon was dishonest as all hell, but he wasn’t stupid. Dumbya was a fucking moron who had never accomplished anything in his life. Everything he had was handed to him on a silver platter. His money losing oil company was purchased by Richard Rainwater (Texas billionaire), for $15 million. Rainwater shut the company 6 months after buying it, but it made Dumbya look like “a successful businessman.” You might think it was a bad deal for Rainwater, but he saved hundreds of millions in taxes because of Dumbya’s idiotic tax cuts, and Rainwater’s kids will get to inherit his billions almost tax free, so it was a very wise investment on Rainwater’s part.
          Nixon also created the EPA, so he wasn’t a total douchebag.

      • nmmagyar

        W actually did some good in the area of HIV prevention education – it was mainly tied to abstinence, but all you had to do to satisfy the abstinence portion was to say that abstinence was 100% effective. You could then go on to say it was totally fucking unrealistic and teach people about rubbers and clean rigs.

        • Vegan and Tiara

          Come to think of it, Dumbya did give some money to Africa to try to prevent AIDS. OK, so he did ONE decent, good thing.

          • theCryptofishist

            Stopped clock, and all. An idiom that needs updating…

      • bobbert

        We’re gonna have to disagree on this one. As it happens, I was an adult when Nixon was in office (my commission bears his signature, sad to say), but the WORST president in my lifetime was Raygun.

        • Vegan and Tiara

          I read not too long ago that Ronni Raven had more scandals in his time in office than any other president. I’m not sure if that’s true or not, but he was shady as all hell. He’s also caused us 35 years of brain rot, and tax cuts on the rich. Actually, I think I’m beginning to agree that he was worse than Nixon, and maybe Dumbya. At least Raven didn’t get us into two quagmires, though.

          • theCryptofishist

            No, just his designer war on Grenada.

          • Vegan and Tiara

            WE KICKED THEIR ASSES!!!! USA USA USA!!!!

      • Truthiness2U

        Nixon created the EPA; ironically given some recent Repubs, proposed the Safe Drinking Water Act (signed by Ford in ’74); Endangered Species Act; Clean Air Extension signed by him; Marine Mammal Protection Act.

        Whereas Reagan? hmmmm. Amnesty to 3 million Immigrants. That’s all I’ve got. And even that might be more than Dubya.

        • theCryptofishist

          I don’t think Nixon created the EPA, so much as signed the law Congress passed. Although, it’s really hard to remember that’s how things were done back then in the Shire.
          He is well regarded by American Indians for stopping policies that chased a lot of them off the reservations and into cities without any support.
          (If I’m remembering that correctly.)

          • Truthiness2U

            The EPA was actually proposed by him. According to the EPA’s own website, http://www.epa.gov/aboutepa/birth-epa it seemed like he did actually do some stuff all on his own. He appointed a, “Cabinet-level Environmental Quality Council as well as a Citizens’ Advisory Committee on Environmental Quality.” and, ” President Nixon appointed a White House committee in December 1969 to consider whether there should be a separate environmental agency. The President had already asked Litton founder, Roy L. Ash, to take a sweeping look at organizational problems throughout the government.”

            “It was at just this time that Congress sent to the President a remarkable bill known as the National Environmental Policy Act (NEPA). Senator Gaylord Nelson (D-Wis)–looking back at the “Environmental Decade” in 1980–called NEPA “the most important piece of environmental legislation in our history.””

            And later, “In sending Reorganization Plan No. 3 to Congress on July 9, the President admitted that he had first been reluctant to propose setting up a new independent agency. Eventually, however, he was convinced by all “the arguments against placing environmental protection activities under the jurisdiction of one or another of the existing departments and agencies.” And thus the EPA was born!!

            So yeah, have to actually give the guy some props on it, beyond Congress. I know, I’m shocked as well.

            Which I didn’t know before reading the EPA’s website, and I love learning new things.

          • theCryptofishist

            Oops. I guess I’ve never looked at that part of their website. Thanks for cluing me in.

    • Spotts1701

      Buchanan was basically the W of his era – supremely unqualified for any federal job and basically given assignments to keep him out of the way (at one point, Andrew Jackson said of Buchanan’s appointment as Minister to Russia “If we kept a ministry at the North Pole, I would have sent him there”).
      Was there any way for him to prevent the Civil War? Not really – but his position of basically plugging his ears and going “LA LA LA” didn’t help.

  • Vegan and Tiara

    I predict George W. Bush will start undergoing an image change soon, and in another ten years, Republicans will be talking about what a revered leader he was. Reagan wasn’t terribly popular during his tenure, but Grover Norquist managed to polish his image up so much that everyone thinks he was super popular when he was president. Republicans will ALWAYS consider Obama the Kenyan usurper.

    • Villago Delenda Est

      Just as Bill Clinton was the hillbilly usurper.

      • Skadi

        Well, John Updike did use to point out that his hair looked like ‘possum fur.

    • nmmagyar

      W will have to die for his image to be cleaned up (or suffer from dementia, like Ronnie). Not that I have any objection to that happening.

      • Vegan and Tiara

        His approval ratings have been steadily going up. His approval rating was 15% when he left office. Last year over 50% of Americans thought he was a good POTUS. He was smart to disappear for eight years.
        I’ll never forget what a POS he was as long as I live. He could devote the rest of his life to healing lepers, and I’d still hate his guts.

  • Tobias B. Santa

    I love this list.

  • Joe Beese

    There are some days at work that nothing can make better except a video of kittens climbing someone’s legs.

    https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=z87FPcOOCoA

  • Annie Towne

    Paul Ryan isn’t even very good at The History of Paul Ryan.

    http://talkingpointsmemo.com/dc/a-timeline-of-paul-ryan-s-many-medicare-flip-flops

  • Zhu Bajie

    Thanks to his buddy Franklin Pierce, Nathanial Hawthorne had a series of Federal jobs and did not actually have to live from the novels he wrote.

    • SuspectedDemocrat

      Hawthorne Pierce was the nuttiest surgeon in the 4077th!

      • Pickwicknext

        Pierce Hawthorne ran his family’s wet wipe empire into the ground!

    • Skadi

      Well, that’s more contribution to America than some politicians have made. One star for Handsome Frank.

  • E S

    lest we forget:

    Re Nixon’s Vietnamese War. People whose sense of the tragedy of war is based only upon the contemporary sagas among the all volunteer military during the Iraq War, don’t realize that 45,000 draftees, who were often against the war, were killed. About 150,000 injured, and this was a time before the common acceptance of the reality of mental illness and emotional trauma, PTSD. I knew ex military guys who disclosed how painfully emotionally disabled they were upon returning to the States, but closeted themselves, because admitting this would have been dishonorable at the time. Let’s also remember:

    “18.2 million gallons of Agent Orange (Dioxin) was sprayed by the U.S. military over more than 10% of Southern Vietnam, as part of the U.S. herbicidal warfare program, Operation Ranch Hand, during the Vietnam War from 1961 to 1971. Vietnam’s government claimed that 400,000 people were killed or maimed as a result of after effects, and that 500,000 children were born with birth defects.”

    And a couple million Vietnamese on both sides of the battle, were killed, in a war that America helped perpetuate.

    In terms of current war policies, among those that anger me the most is the phenomena of the all volunteer army. It is a socially irresponsible policies that benefits from the death and disfigurement of the poor and socially unempowered, because a big minority of Americans don’t need to think about war deeply, or personal. I hated the draft, but the upside of that way of staffing a war, was that the children of doctors and lawyers and middle and upper class citizens were forced to go, and lose or ruin their lives. Gradually this war was stopped, not just by radical hippies, but by pluralities of average citizens, voters, political donors and the like, who figured out that war was awful, wrong. Americans don’t think with that level of empathy and responsibility about the all volunteer army, because those who suffer signed up for it. There is such a level of irresponsibility that people think it’s normal that the casualties, the wounded, need to get income for their medical treatment from charitable organizations.

    Sorry, but I support bringing back the draft. People would be a little more angry and educated about the dishonest and immoral policies that lead us to the war in Iraq, than they are now. And, the simplest point, that began to gain traction during the Vietnamese War, that war is a bad thing on the face of it, might once again have a snowflakes chance in hell of being an even commonly held sentiment than mindless “patriotic” support of going to war overtime some George W Bush redefines reality.

    • JoeChristmas

      Come to think of it, Ryan also said Ho Chi Minh was a better president than Obama.

    • Jonny On Maui

      “Sorry, but I support bringing back the draft.”

      Agreed, Peace corps or War corps, 2 years, 18 to 20, no deferments.

      • Jenny

        It would be difficult for an 18-20 year old to get into Peace Corps without a change in their recruiting. A majority of their open positions now require bachelor and master degrees.

        • Jonny On Maui

          Sorry, I wasn’t specific. By Peace corp I mean maintaining the federal parks, cleaning up after morons like bundy, responding to natural disasters and such like. These aren’t high tech jobs, they’re hand tool jobs. 2 years of learning how to fix stuff, how to live together, rough, with strangers, how to learn to work together. I don’t think that’s too much to ask of citizens, but then I’m an old and I’ve served my time. You want to know where the benefits come from? Do the work…

          Want to make it a career, just like the military? Like Peace Corps is now? Then yes, there’s the opportunity to learn more, grow in rank and responsibility, get your bachelors, masters. Same career path as military, just no bang-bang, shoot-shoot.

          Has as much chance of happening in my lifetime as cheap, personal jetpacks…

    • The Wanderer

      One of my cousins served in Vietnam. He wasn’t quite right for many years afterward.

      • Jonny On Maui

        There are still MIA/WIA in the good old USofA that had no safety net and are wandering lost, from that war.

        We’ve always treated our vets well, haven’t we?

    • Jeff Ackerman

      I remember agent orange being sprayed on the right of way of the pipeline that transported jet fuel from Haines Alaska to Fairbanks Alaska during the 1960″s. We had to deal with it every summer in Delta Junction…

    • As someone who had to register for the draft and grew up a non violent Buddhist I have to admit I agree with you.

      It would immediately bring clarity to the voting public.

      • E S

        Even if there was a choice between military and non military service to the country, at least this would bring the dialogue back to the kitchen table. People are naturally very concerned about how their cherished, painstakingly raised children, will spend the last years of their youth. This is a good thing, and engenders social responsibility.

      • theCryptofishist

        Drafting women might bring something new to the table…

    • ThePuckStopsHere

      I highly recommend a Nixon book, “One Man Against the World”, that came out last year. It’s based on newly-declassified materials and the last of the Nixon tapes to be released. Among the nuggets contained therein: When we went to Defcon 3 during Yom Kippur war, Nixon wasn’t part of the decision-making process. Why not? He was too drunk to go to the meeting.

      The overriding theme though is that other than bombing the shit out of N. Vietnam and Cambodia, Nixon had no plan, none, to end that war with or w/out “honor”.

      http://www.npr.org/sections/itsallpolitics/2015/06/15/414615258/fueled-by-fear-how-richard-nixon-became-one-man-against-the-world

  • AnOuthouse

    And he’s the ‘smart’ one.

  • Objectifer

    Cut Harrison some slack, all he did was catch a real bad cold. It’s not like he started a disastrous war on false pretenses, benignly stood by while a major American city was destroyed, or tanked the world economy.

    • Markuserektus

      Maybe the ‘cure’ killed him. From Dr. Zebra: Blistering of the skin was a standard method to draw evil humors from the body. Given that the president was sick with pneumonia, the President’s physicians tried blistering the right side of his chest. The President did not improve.

      Next, the doctors applied suction cups to the blistered skin to draw out the evil, elusive substance that weakened him. Then the doctors gave him ipecac to induce vomiting. They also gave him calomel and castor oil to purge his bowels. Then they administered sedative to the fast-weakening President in the form of opium and brandy. As a last resort, they tried Virginia snakeweed, a Seneca Indian remedy. Nothing worked.

      • Jonny On Maui

        That Virginia Snakeweed was some harsh ass shit…

        • ThePuckStopsHere

          Is it anything like Mexican Ditchweed? That stuff sucks, man.

      • Skadi

        I heard it was also because office seekers just would not leave the man alone: “Yes, Mr. President, I can see you’re vomiting, but if you could just take a moment to look at my resume?”

      • ThePuckStopsHere

        Who was his doctor? Michele Fiore?

      • Objectifer

        Hence my lifelong fear of barbers. Although some opium and brandy would be nice, thank you.

      • Vienna Woods

        Ironic. Tried to save his life with an Indian remedy.

    • Vienna Woods

      *Cough* Tecumseh *Cough*

  • Msgr_Moment

    Nixon was able to state that he was not a crook. Has Obama ever said that? Huh?

    • nmmagyar

      He hasn’t had to – SCOTUS does the talking for hum

  • Vegan and Tiara

    Fuck me with a rusty chainsaw…Cruz is pulling ahead of Trump. I guess I should be careful what I wish for. I sort of want Cruz to be their nominee, because he’s such a POS, but I’m also terrified of a President Cruz. .

    • Suse

      I saw that. Yikes!

    • Vecciojohn LLC

      Chaos has its uses.

      – Ancient wisdom I just made up

  • Suse

    OT: Jeb! Junior was arrested for public intoxication.

    • Antonin Dvorak

      Trying to keep up with sis, apparently.

    • Spotts1701

      If Jeb! was my father I’d probably crawl into a bottle of booze and pickle myself as well.

      • Msgr_Moment

        Just like Uncle/Aunt Jar-Jar.

    • Link, for the lolz?

      • Jenny

        There was an arrest like in 05 on 6th street in Austin (drinking/ club area for UT students, also where the Bush twins went “wild), but google hasn’t turned up anything more recent.

        All of Jeb’s kids have had tangles with law enforcement. George P for stalking a girlfriend. Jebby Jr for public intoxication, and daughter Noelle had a serious drug problem. She brought crack cocaine into her court ordered stay at a drug rehab. Winning!

    • sw19womble

      Hmm.. seems like the entire Bush family have a metabolic problem with alcohol or something.

  • JoeChristmas

    Ryan is just greasing the skidmarks for that brokered convention I keep hearing about.

    • Vecciojohn LLC

      In the Navy, they call them hash marks. People like Ryan, I mean. I mean they compare him to a streak of shit on your y-fronts. I hope that’s clear from the context.,

      • Jen_Baker_VA

        Sorry, John, after you said “In the Navy” I got a song stuck in my head and utterly missed what you said. Clarification?

        • Grizz1y
          • Jen_Baker_VA

            Close enough!

          • Vecciojohn LLC

            The very same!

        • Vecciojohn LLC

          Well, at the risk of descending once again into self-parody, the “gag” was that Speaker Ryan is comparable to the steak of excrement that one sometimes finds on undergarments when the wearer has been less than thorough after having had a bowel movement in removing any excess excreta that may have clung to his anus in spite of the subject’s best intentions and, subsequently, perhaps when the person sat, gotten transferred to said subject’s aforementioned drawers.

          Not to put too fine a point on it.

          • Ricky Gay

            some people find a STEAK in there?! Geesh, chew thoroughly folks!

  • Joshua Norton

    Actual historians have consistently ranked James Buchanan as the Worst US President

    Mainly because they were asked this question before Chimpy W. Bush was invented.

    • Vecciojohn LLC

      Historians are trained to take the long view. It may be two or three more years before they award him the gilded turd.

      • Zippy

        and it’s gonna kill any of the wingnuts who live long enough, once historians grade Bamz- absolutely kill them…

        • Jen_Baker_VA

          Why do you think they are so desperately trying to control education in this country?

          • A degree in history is the future degree in art history. That being said, I wish I had a degree in art history.

          • Vecciojohn LLC

            I wish I had majored in Italian, just for the fun of it.

            ? Regrets, I’ve had a few. . .

          • Skadi

            But then again, too few to mention, I hope?

          • theCryptofishist

            Then you could deliver Guinness in a boat in Venice.
            Oh, they jobs your high school guidance councilor didn’t tell you about.

  • Msgr_Moment

    Franklin Pierce’s most embarrassing fuckup? Ancestor of Babs Bush. So he’s the incompetent president who kept on giving.

    • Suse

      I found out recently that the Bushes and my family have a common ancestor or two.

      • Anarchy Pony

        Clearly you need to immediately be spayed.

        • Suse

          It’s okay – I’m well past my child-bearing years and have no offspring.

  • Rex Thorne

    Republicans aren’t afraid of being obviously clueless, because that’s all they know.

    • Markuserektus

      They don’t know that they don’t know.

  • orygoon

    I want you to know (almost enough to use ALL-CAPS) that my many Janesville relatives detest that man.

    • orygoon

      I mean, fuck that guy; he is thought by many to be presentable and clever, and then he just out and murders civility deader than summer Texas roadkill.

      • Vecciojohn LLC

        I keep waiting for his tongue to flick out.

        https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=cwAHjl9PZH4

        • orygoon

          Yes, perfect, exactly. And my relatives are so Wisconsin-nice that they wouldn’t swat him if they ran into him. They would be POLITE.

          My stepmother, who lives over in Whitewater, she would. It would be beautiful to see. (She’s not from Wisconsin, she’s German.)

          • Vecciojohn LLC

            Or as my Douglas County relatives would say, The things you’ll see when you don’t have a gun.

    • Vienna Woods

      Didn’t he and Romney lose to Obama in Ryan’s own necka the woods?

  • TheGrandWaz00

    Sparkle President is best President.

  • Markuserektus

    …but Dolly had those nice pastries.

  • Jeff Ackerman

    Are you going to believe your lying eyes, or what I tell you?

  • Ducksworthy

    There should be a note on the Viet Nam memorial wall that reads: “The following names brought to you by the treason of Richard Nixon.”

    • mailman27

      I just hope it doesn’t take a comparable number of years to plunk St Ronnie right in the middle of the treason in which he was so obviously involved viz. American citizens held hostage in Iran.

  • Markuserektus

    Kinda OT, but related to presidential maladies: http://www.doctorzebra.com/prez/g_roster.htm

    • Jen_Baker_VA

      Without a key for all the lil thingies, it is really a surreal read.
      Also, lots of presidents snored.

      • Markuserektus

        They’re clickable links…

        • Jen_Baker_VA

          I did figure that out, but not after I zoomed out and kept scrolling right and left, and up and down, looking for the key XD
          stupid map reading has ruined me. RUINED.

        • Vecciojohn LLC

          Lickable clits?! You can say shit like that on Wonkette.

          • Wombat

            No, because comments are not allowed.

          • Vecciojohn LLC

            Thank the Lord.

    • Vecciojohn LLC

      That web log scares me.

    • Vienna Woods

      Cool! Thanks.

  • cousin itt

    I’ll raise a martini glass to my favorite, Benjamin Franklin Pierce.

    • Vecciojohn LLC

      One of my uncle’s given names were Stephen Douglas. True story.

  • Grizz1y

    Cracked recently ran a list of semi-obscure presidential facts. Many of the guys on this list appeared there as well.
    http://i.crackedcdn.com/phpimages/photoshop/5/7/2/506572_v1.jpg

    • Villago Delenda Est

      William Rufus King also had King County, WA named after him. Until the 80’s, when sanity prevailed and the county was renamed after Martin Luther King, Jr.

    • Skadi

      No real proof, but I hope it was true, if only because they look like they’d have been the cutest old couple. ;0-)

      • Jonny On Maui

        The one on the right looks like a young Lindsey Graham…

  • “Why are the pretty ones always so dumb?”

    • Jonny On Maui

      Beauty times brains equals a constant.

      I know, no math…

      • Vecciojohn LLC

        Is an integer the same thing as a prime number?

        • Jonny On Maui

          Why do you have to make life a word problem?

        • Barley_Brains

          Your Venn diagram is inside out.

    • azeyote

      i always thought eddie munster was cuter before he changed his name

    • That’s what you get when you breed for looks. (cf. pugs and paints).

  • bobbert

    The greatest trick that Satan Paul Ryan ever pulled was convincing some people that he is smart.

    • Vecciojohn LLC

      That’s just how clever he is. Like Obama!

  • Vecciojohn LLC

    You know, a lot of people forget this, but the evidence that Hillary poisoned Zachary Taylor is actually pretty convincing.

    http://www.dailykos.com/story/2005/5/29/117856/-

    Fun fact! Zachary Taylor was known by the sobriquet Old Biscuit Pants.

    https://en.m.wikipedia.org/wiki/Zachary_Taylor

  • Me not sure

    Don’t forget Gerald Ford the only person to serve as President who was never elected to either the Presidency or the Vice Presidency.

    • Villago Delenda Est

      And pardoned his predecessor for any and all criminal acts committed during his predecessor’s tenure as President.

      • Suse

        And fell down a lot.

        • Zippy

          Roll over, Liberty

      • JustDon’tSayDittos

        And did a great Chevy Chase impression

        • Amy!

          Live, from DC, it’s State of the Union!

    • sw19womble

      Sarah Palin has something in common with him then.

    • Zippy

      and yet HE got to appoint a SCOTUS replacement…

      • Me not sure

        Yep.

  • Joshua Norton

    I found out that Clinton is a 10th cousin. I don’t know if we share any actual DNA that far out, but I can still get to call him and Hilz “cuz” at the next family reunion.

    • Vecciojohn LLC

      Uh, yeah. Say hi for the rest of us.

      What a snob!

      • theCryptofishist

        Well, Emperor.

    • Msgr_Moment

      So you prolly don’t have any of Monica’s DNA either, right?

  • Suse

    There was a very good program about President James Garfield on PBS recently. The incompetence and arrogance of his physician is what actually killed him. You can watch it here http://www.pbs.org/wgbh/americanexperience/films/garfield/

    • ThePuckStopsHere

      Pretty much the same thing that happened to McKinley from what I’ve read, but I have no cites. The medical mainstream didn’t think germs were a thing back then. Must have been republican doctors.

      • theCryptofishist

        I’ve heard that that may have been a factor in Lincoln’s death, also, too. Apparently, finding yourself suddenly in charge of the most powerful man in the country (give or take) makes you very cautious.
        I wonder if that still holds, now that we have advanced trauma medicine, including ER docs who’ve done so many times they could do it in their sleep.
        (Not talking about you, Ben.)

  • Obama is the worst right-wing Democratic President I’ve voted for in several decades. (It’s close, but no cigar.)
    ~

    • TootsStansbury

      Did I SWYDT?

      • JustDon’tSayDittos

        ISI,T

  • Angela Ruzzo

    Hey, good one about the Koch brothers. Made me laugh out loud.

  • Vecciojohn LLC

    OT, I guess, but I hear Mr. BLOBFISH is running for President. This is one of his ads. It says he’ll protect us from terrorists and sharks, who are known as the terrorists of the sea. He isnt afraid to take a stand, I’ll say that!

    https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=BziyCVpnAT0

    • alwayspunkindrublic

      Mr. Blobfish needs to work on his presentation. Other than that, I’m in.

      • sw19womble

        More photogenic than Ted Cruz, that’s for one.

      • Vecciojohn LLC

        Hey, he’s no Marco Rubio, but he’s far better looking than Trump or Cruz. He has a realness about him that people like.

        • alwayspunkindrublic

          He doesn’t instantly make me want to punch him…I’ll say that for him.

          • Vecciojohn LLC

            They say he’s the nicest guy you ever met in person. And he’s young and clean and well-spoken. I’m going to start a petition to,get him to run.

          • BadKitty904

            Call 911, yes. Punch, no.

      • Jonny On Maui

        I’m in favor of his stand on the issues…

        • alwayspunkindrublic

          He does seem to be a man of…uh…substance.

          • BadKitty904

            Just what that substance *is* is still being analyzed by top scientists.

          • alwayspunkindrublic

            Some form of protoplasm, apparently.

    • Quercus

      He’s got my vote! Enough of this Hillz vs Bernie crap!

    • ThePuckStopsHere

      Mock if you will, but, true story, Mr. Vermin Supreme ran 4th in the NH Primary on the Dem side, tying Jeb!’s finish on the GOP side.

  • bluicebank

    Is Ryan trying to make Cruz and Trump look good?

    He’s going to have to try harder. Not saying that tongue-kissing those asshole preznints isn’t a good old college try, mind you.

  • alwayspunkindrublic

    I thought President Palin was the worst ever! Oh…wait…

  • Rufus T. Firefly

    Obama is the most divisive president since Lincoln. And for the same reasons.

    • Paul

      Abe was black?

      • Skadi

        Democrats did accuse him of being part black. “Abraham Africanus the First” they called him.

      • Rufus T. Firefly

        A lot of southern conservatives thought so.

      • BadKitty904

        He was tall. They’re both tall. Southerners hate tall people.

  • Good ol’ Paul! He’ll cling to the “if I use enough big words (often incorrectly), people will think I have something substantive to say!” strategy until the day he dies.

  • proudgrampa

    What A Idiot.

  • Paperless Tiger

    Ryan went on to point out that Obama completely failed to be a one-term President, which was the sole purpose of the Republican party for four years.

  • Zippy
    • Anarchy Pony

      All hat and poorly cared for cattle.

      • BadKitty904

        Well, it appears both of y’all did. Great minds, etc.

    • BadKitty904

      Ha! Beat me to it! Well played, sir or mam…

  • This is hilarious, as usual, but, while I can believe he made those comments about Madison and Lincoln (though I doubt he’s ever read a word either has written), I find it hard to believe he cited the rest of those supremely awful Presidents. For the record, Zachary Taylor (“hero” of Mexican-American War). was pretty useless as President too.

    • sw19womble

      See below for interesting theory on his death/potential reasons for his assassination.

    • Skadi

      He got his “Rough and Ready” nickname from a battle he actually lost.

      Years later his opponent, the Seminole leader Holata Micco, was visiting Washington DC. According to historians he caught sight of a portrait of Taylor, and started smirking: “Me whip!”

  • TootsStansbury

    So this asshole is running for VP again? Fucking loser, I’m sure it sucks being Speaker of the poop filnging House.

  • grayone

    As a New Hampshirite, I have to confess even WE laugh at Franklin Pierce! But you gotta admit, Millard Fillmore was one badass to keep the Earth from not crashing into the Sun!

  • DahBoner

    Harrison refused to wear a coat or hat for his inauguration speech

    I’m afraid that tradition continues to this day, at least the hat part. But I am optimistic about Donna Rose’s pink hat for the future of sensible winter gear.

    If it were me…
    https://img0.etsystatic.com/039/1/6729261/il_570xN.523401132_a6g2.jpg

    • Helena Handbag

      Hipster Jesus?

    • sw19womble

      Crochet for Stoners?

    • sw19womble

      One toque over the line?

    • BadKitty904

      I’m going to refuse to wear pants for my inauguration speech.

      • cousin itt

        Finally, a president who will return decorum to the nation’s Litter Box.

        • BadKitty904

      • Vegan and Tiara

        “Then we will take Poland, and then I shall nap in the sun!”
        ~Adolf Kitler

  • Vecciojohn LLC

    Can you even believe it? They are already running attack ads against Mr. BLOBFISH. Damn Gulf Stream media.

    https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=2gidkmWrP4M

    • Jonny On Maui

      Already slingin’ the mudguppies, that started fast…

      • Vecciojohn LLC

        Now they’re saying he’s soft on terrorism. And everything else.

    • Duck billed platypus libelz

    • TheBidenator

      I do have to say it’s not an unfair ad though…that is one hideous fish.

      • Vecciojohn LLC

        Shape-ist! I find his zaftig, blubbery curves deeply sensual and exquisitely gelatinous to the touch.

    • I for one will continue to cheer for and support our very own blobfish right here on the Wonkette.

  • Yr. Gma

    Moron. Which part of the Constitution did Abe Lincoln write again?

    • Vecciojohn LLC

      The Second Commandment, of course. And all that weird stuff about interstate commerce, I think.

      • Zippy

        and Jeebus

    • theCryptofishist

      The Gettysburg Amendment and the part about the postal service.

  • ThePuckStopsHere

    It appears to me that all the Social Security Survivor’s Benefit dolars–the OVERNMENT MONEY that paid for this man’s college education–was not money well spent. And, no, Mr. Speaker Ryan does not think anybody else should receive the same financial aid to get a college education that he did.

    • Vecciojohn LLC

      I pulled myself up by my father’s bootstraps and got money from SS to go to college on.

      • My pops told me that he didn’t need to go to college so why did I think I felt I needed higher education. I told him i wanted to go so that the cycle of family ignorance would end.

        Bootstraps and community college served me well.

        • Jenny

          Lol that’s exactly what my parents said to me…. As we were living in run down motels. Who needs to aim higher than that??? Not them!

        • Vecciojohn LLC

          Funny how valuable many people find a higher education to be. Or as a co-worker of mine once asked me, why would you go to college when you could work at the mill and make money?

    • theCryptofishist

      Got on board, pulled up the ladder. Because that’s what winning looks like.

  • Toomush_Infer

    Why aren’t they asking Obama which current Speaker of the House he thinks is a nitwit?…

  • SnarkOff

    Speaker Ryan, which failed 2016 Republican presidential candidate is your favorite?

    • Callyson

      OH my God–your question just made me think of something. I wonder if he’s thinking a brokered convention could nominate him?

      • Meh, one completely unelectable toolbag is the same as the next…

      • TootsStansbury

        I wonder why they seem to be so confident that the “next president” should appoint Fat Tony’s replacement. What are they planning? Enquiring minds want to know!

        • Zippy

          A small chance in 2017 is better than no chance right now. Besides, it’s the usual gamesmanship GOP BS, throw a tantrum upfront and stake out a completely unreasonable, indefensible position. Then “compromise” by moving back to an extreme, but better quasi-tantrum position while constantly working the press about “look far we’ve come to meet that libtard in the middle, he needs to give us something”. Then they bully Bamz into giving them a far more centrist or even conservative nominee than he would have otherwise, given that the lazy press will totes let the GOP get away with that charade yet again.

          You have to admit, it worked all of O’s first term and part of the second- fortunately lame duck DGAF Obama has been much less willing to play along. Also, the funny part is, despite being so successful at this governance by tantrum, the GOP base is so batshitinsane that any token concession from their pols whatsoever is considered apostasy and they pay a price for it (it hasn’t hurt that O has outfoxed them a couple times and given them far less than they thought)

          • Vegan and Tiara

            Obama was willing to cut Social Security, which they’ve wanted to do for 35 years, but they refused to do it because they couldn’t take the minor tax increase that went with it. Truly a party that just wants to shoot its own dick off.

      • Jenny

        Hey it worked for his current job!

    • Suttree

      AOT,K.

  • Callyson

    BTW, MSNBC has The Donald on if anyone wants a laugh. Mika is not even trying to hide her contempt for The Donald: the side-eye she just gave him when he said “we’re going to cut spending” after Joe asked him to respond to the economists who said his policies would add to the debt. Hee hee hee…

  • UpMuuchtooolateHasPuppyKisses

    Who cares what Eddie Munster thinks?

    • Anarchy Pony

      Beat you to it.

      • UpMuuchtooolateHasPuppyKisses

        Well, naturally. You had a horse. Puppies have short legs.

    • YourNameHere

      He looks like Reed Richards there. Now I hate him more.

      • UpMuuchtooolateHasPuppyKisses

        I don’t know who that is, but good.

  • Worth noting: Harrison, Fillmore, Pierece, Buchanan and Johnson were all president within 25 FUCKING YEARS OF EACH OTHER.

    That’s a whole lot of suck in a short amount of time. No wonder this country wound up at literal war with itself.

  • Suttree

    May I be a gay, black, homosexual, meth user? Apparently you get a REALLY hot wife that way.

    • Don’t forget to be a socialist Muslim who breaks out in hives in the presence of a gun, American flag or picture of White Jesus

      • Suttree

        I was raised Catholic, but I’d be a gay muslin for Michelle.

        • Jen_Baker_VA

          dude, I would be a gay muslin meth blackity black for Michelle and I am usually straight. Except for Michelle, Zeta-Jones and Sophia.
          I like em tall, gorgeous and classy

          • BadKitty904

            The short, gorgeous, and classy get no luv. *pouts*

          • YourNameHere

            Why hello there.

    • BadKitty904

      Will Smith is a methhead?

      • cousin itt

        And now that he’s left Scientology, he’ll have more methbucks.

        Not that they’ll let him live long enough to smoke it though.

        • BadKitty904

          Where there’s a Will, there’s a way.

        • Jen_Baker_VA

          Will was a Scientologist? Who left?
          Damn. That seems to be a thing in Hollywood of late.

      • Suttree

        Jada is very pretty, but she needs to gain about 30 pounds for my taste.

        • BadKitty904

          I think Will’s thoroughly doable, but, hey, that’s just me.

          • Suttree

            We all have our druthers. And I am proud to be a miscegenist.

          • Suttree

            Hey Bad badkitty, we all have our own fapping material.

          • BadKitty904

            Amen to that. Where would the porn industry be, otherwise?

  • MoodyMoody

    Admittedly I did not read through all the comments, so I’m fairly sure someone beat me to it, but William Henry Harrison’s inauguration speechifying was in March, not in January. Inauguration was on March 4 until FDR’s second term in office in 1937.

    • Jen_Baker_VA

      I was told there would be no facts.
      Though that makes him doubly silly headed doesn’t it.

  • Markuserektus

    And Nixon was related to Hoover…sheesh.

    • Msgr_Moment

      Damn Quakers!

  • btwbfdimho

    Speaking of spreading tsunamis of Santorum with the fan…nothing new under the ozone layer.

    • SuspectedDemocrat

      I would so love to wear those in SC right now. Do they come in exxtra-large?

  • BadKitty904
    • cousin itt

      “Bereft of human interaction, his supporters that manage to survive are wild, mean and ornery,” the feds write. They go on to describe the anti-government tea baggers “getting stuck in mud, wandering onto golf courses, straying onto the freeway… [and] foraging aimlessly and wildly, roaming in small groups over hundreds of thousands of acres of mobile home parks that exist for the use of the general riffraff.”

      • BadKitty904

        So, pretty much the same as any other Teapublicans, really.

      • Vegan and Tiara

        My grandpa used to pet his cows and talk to them. I just always thought he was a bit daft, but he did have some pretty mellow cows.

        • Vienna Woods

          My father-in-law did the same, telling them how good they were going to taste.

          • Vegan and Tiara

            I’m pretty sure my grandpa didn’t taunt them. I think it was more just small talk, really.

          • Vienna Woods

            He wasn’t taunting them, really. He was just being realistic. He really did have affection for his livestock.

          • Vegan and Tiara

            Oh, I was just pulling your leg about the taunting.
            My grandpa had affection for his livestock too, but he didn’t hesitate to take them to the slaughterhouse. If you’re a farmer, that’s what you do. I just always thought it was funny that he talked to them, and would pet them, and then take them to be turned into hamburger.

  • therblig

    isn’t it a mortal sin for republicans to say that anyone was better than saint ronnie?

    ryan needs to say 10 hail scalias to atone.

    • Msgr_Moment

      Ronnie was the bestest Founder ever.

  • Callyson

    Tell me, NYT article that you have to scroll down halfway to see, is there a fun news item about Paul Ryan?

    Donald J. Trump on Wednesday blamed Mitt Romney’s selection of Paul Ryan as his running mate for costing Republicans the 2012 presidential election.

    “That was the end of that campaign, when they chose Ryan,” Mr. Trump said at a town-hall-style setting in Bluffton, S.C., about the Wisconsin congressman who is now the House speaker. “That was the end of the campaign. I said, ‘You gotta be kidding.”

    Hee hee hee…

    • BadKitty904

      Dang. How pathetic do you have to be to be dissed by tRump…

    • TheBidenator

      See, this is what happens when you go to other news sources than me…I saw the rally but the NYT left off the best part: Remember those “Paul Ryan pushing grandma off a cliff” ads wingnuts went apoplectic about? Yeah, Trump essentially agreed that the entire GOP field is wanting to do the same thing

    • Vegan and Tiara

      Trump has been absolutely way too honest to stay on top of the GOP polls. I’m starting to think he’s been getting bored with this horseshit election, and just decided to start dropping some truth bombs. My favorites are those he’s been lobbing at George W. Bush. I positively LOVE that Trump’s been pointing out what a clusterfuck Iraq was:

      “By the way, let’s note that George W. Bush said this in arguing for his brother and against Trump in South Carolina: “Strength is not empty rhetoric. It is not bluster. It is not theatrics.” Far from helping Jeb!’s chances, this posturing probably hurt him. All it does is remind you that W. was the one who patented empty rhetoric (“the axis of evil”), bluster (he declared he’d get bin Laden “dead or alive” and succeeded at neither), and theatrics (“Mission Accomplished”) in pursuit of one of the greatest foreign-policy calamities in the history of the Republic.”

      It’s a good thing for the GOP that their drooling base is too dumb to savor the irony, like the rest of us do.

      http://nymag.com/daily/intelligencer/2016/02/scalias-death-and-gops-strict-obstructionists.html

      • Jen_Baker_VA

        I think he is starting the pander to the moderate approach a weeee bit too early. But, it may pay off for him in the end, who knows

        • Vegan and Tiara

          I actually love the crazy bastard when he points out to the idiots that Bush was a complete moran!

          “Republicans disagree internally on aspects of Bush’s domestic legacy, but his record on counterterrorism remains a point of unified party doctrine. Bush, they agree, Kept Us Safe. To praise the president who oversaw the worst domestic terrorist attack in American history for preventing domestic terrorism is deeply weird, and the only way this makes any sense is to treat 9/11 as a kind of starting point, for which his predecessor is to blame. (Marco Rubio, rushing to Dubya’s defense at Saturday night’s Republican debate, explained, “The World Trade Center came down because Bill Clinton didn’t kill Osama bin Laden when he had the chance to kill him.”) Trump not only pointed out that Bush was president on 9/11 and that the attacks that day count toward his final grade, but he also noted that Bush failed to heed intelligence warnings about the pending attack and that his administration lied to the public about weapons of mass destruction in Iraq.

          Conservatives have always dismissed such notions as far-left conspiracy theorizing, often equating it with the crackpot notion that 9/11 was an inside job.”

          LOL…”he kept us safe.” Sure, except for those three thousand people on 9/11, and the 4000 Americans killed in Iraq.

          http://nymag.com/daily/intelligencer/2016/02/crazy-trump-thinks-bush-was-president-on-911.html

          • Jen_Baker_VA

            I could live with him if he’d stop with the “fear the other” type stupid, and of course the “no tax on the rich” thing which is probably the only thing he really cares about anyway.
            The rest is just a bunch of showmanship, very PT, but loud.

            Edit: yes, I am aware he’s said some other dumb shit, just pointing out those two specifically because it is late and my brain refuses to dredge up more right now.

          • Vegan and Tiara

            I have a love/hate relationship with Trump. I fucking love him so hard when he’s pulverizing his fellow Republicans, but I find so much of the stuff he says to be positively insane, that I could never actually support him. He might have been smarter to run as an Independent who was pro-choice and not bring up the crazy “illegal alien” stuff. I don’t actually believe he’s “pro-life” or that he supports cutting taxes on the rich. He’s claimed in the past that the rich could afford an increase in taxes, and he’s right. I think the rich assholes like the Kochs who run the GOP are terrified he’ll become president and tax the shit out of them, just for fun. He’ll probably make an exemption for real estate taxes.

          • Jen_Baker_VA

            He might at that. Tax the other riches I mean, just because he could. That does seem like something he would do XD

            I couldn’t support him because he says what his audience at the moment wants to hear, and changes his mind every five seconds, and well, is a flat out racist, sexist POS who thinks everyone in the world owes him respect because he is rich. Plus, the entire “We need to be less PC so I can be more of an asshole without having people be mean to me thing” needs to go.

          • alwayspunkindrublic

            Don’t forget that he’s a crazy-ass birther. And a bigot. And a plutocrat…who has creepy feelings for his own daughter.

          • Vegan and Tiara

            Oh, he’s either nuts, or pretending to be.
            I hate myself for enjoying Trump so much, but when he goes off on George W. Bush, I just can’t help myself.

          • alwayspunkindrublic

            I don’t even think he’s nuts…which would offer an excuse. Just a rotten, nasty human being…the kind of person everyone hated when they were little kids.

          • Vegan and Tiara

            Yet he’s STILL better than Ted Cruz, and Marco Rubio, and Ben Carson, and Jeb!.

          • Markuserektus

            :P

          • Vegan and Tiara

            “The ensuing freak-out at Trump’s heresy has been comprehensive. “It turns out the front-runner for the GOP nomination is a 9/11 ‘truther’ who believes Bush knew 9/11 was going to happen but did nothing to stop it,” says Marc Thiessen, the columnist and former Bush administration speechwriter. “Moreover, Trump says, Bush knew there were no weapons of mass destruction in Iraq but lied to the American people to get us into a Middle East war.” Trump is “borrowing language from MoveOn.org and Daily Kos to advance the absurd ‘Bush lied, people died’ Iraq War narrative,” cried National Review’s David French. Weekly Standard editor Bill Kristol demanded that, even should Trump win the nomination, fellow Republicans refuse to “conscientiously support a man who is willing to say something so irresponsible about something so serious, for the presidency of the United States.””
            Ha ha ha…the wrongest people in the world are FREAKING OUT over Trump telling the truth, and I am seriously thinking Trump needs to get some kind of nomination for world’s greatest troll.

          • cousin itt

            Is Trump actually the one cutting and pasting for maximum rhetorical what-the-fuck-did-he-say effect? Or, is there a puppet master behind the scalp weasel’s utterances of truthiness on both the right and the left?

          • Vegan and Tiara

            I hate myself for loving Trump, but damn it, when he tears into the Bush family I just want to kiss him.

          • BadKitty904

            Just as Adolph Hitler was Woodrow Wilson’s “fault”. Or something.

          • Jen_Baker_VA

            Pretty sure the French and Britts get some of the thanks in that as well.

          • Msgr_Moment

            I blame the Sudden Germans.

          • Retching_bitch_face

            And the 500000+ Iraqis killed

    • artem1s

      well, Trump got it half right at least. It was Barry Bamz excellent selection of his VP nominee that led to the end of Ryan as a serious contender for the executive branch. I will never get tired of posting this…

      http://i190.photobucket.com/albums/z205/JekyllnHyde_photos/August%2014%202012/biden-malarkey-bs.jpg

      and this…

    • YourNameHere

      But he’s cool with Sarah Palin?

  • RobKanC

    Republican not knowing shit. Color me surprised.

    • BadKitty904

      It’s almost like it’s a requirement or something…

      • Jen_Baker_VA

        1. Must hate your fellow man, if they do not look like you.
        2. Must hate your fellow man, if they don’t talk like you.
        3. Must hate your fellow man, if they don’t live like you.
        4. Must revise history as the situation demands.
        5. Must wear ill fitting suits.

        • Vegan and Tiara

          You left out:
          6. It helps if you’re a closeted homosexual, and think of nothing but buttsexx all day long.

          • BadKitty904

            7. Guns.

          • Jen_Baker_VA

            8. Nice little red uniforms

          • Retching_bitch_face

            Coming out of the closet doesn’t make those thoughts go away…

        • Jukesgrrl

          9. Obsessive desire to direct the work of gynecologists and pharmacists.

        • jmk

          10. PROFIT!!

  • SuspectedDemocrat

    Say what you will about his policy choices, at least President Dwayne Elizondo Mountain Dew Herbert Camacho knew how to bring people together.

    • BadKitty904

      The rumor that The Human Centipede is a documentary detailing his administration is a tissue of lies.

    • Vegan and Tiara

      Brawndo!

    • Jenny
      • Anarchy Pony

        !!!

  • Karen Marie

    No, no, unfair! Ryan thought you were asking about AMERCIAN presidents.

    • BadKitty904

      I’m surprised he just didn’t assume the question referred to bank presidents.

      • cousin itt

        Mr. Drysdale was the idol of and model for, the young Paul.

        • BadKitty904

          Ryan really wanted to be Miss Hathaway when he grew up. Not that there’s anything wrong with that.

          • Vegan and Tiara

            So did Miss Lindsey.

          • BadKitty904

            I dunno. I see Miz L. more along the lines of…

          • Jen_Baker_VA

            Where’d you git a picture of me in the morning?

          • You too?

          • Jonny On Maui

            careful…

  • cousin itt

    Greatest. President. Evar.

    • Thatsitfor Theotherwon

      And isn’t that an indictment of the entire system?

  • Matthew Hawkins

    Of course Obama is the worst. Did you not notice he was black?

    • psychobroad

      Duh! I’m a Southerner, so I know!/snark

    • smitallica

      And he’s not even the least bit sorry about it. The NERVE!

  • theCryptofishist

    Everyone, with me: “… the average, forgettable, occasionally regrettable, caretaker presidents of the U. S. A.”
    Jazz hands, and big finish!

  • TeeRaak

    Don’t know much about history.

    Or budgets. Or anything else….
    https://youtu.be/2HW-eCUmZqw

    • Jen_Baker_VA

      Don’t know much about history,
      don’t know much sociology,
      don’t know much about the French he took,
      thinks the bible is a history book

      • Toomush_Infer

        Don’t know much about theology
        Not so sure one and one ain’t three
        But I do know that I hate Dems
        Spicks and blahs and all those pesky fems

        What a fantasy world this could be…

  • Wee Mousie

    I like Wonkette’s list of awful presidents to compete with Paul Ryan choice — two Whigs presidents, three 19th Century Democratic presidents, three 20th Century Republican presidents and one 21st Century Republican Asshole.

    From that it appears like The Democrats are getting better while the Republicans are getting worse. I’m not sure I can buy the former, but the latter is a dead certainty.

  • hendenburg2

    What about Andrew Jackson? AKA Old Hickory AKA Genocide Jackson (okay, I’m making that last one up). You know, Trail of Tears, only sitting president to disobey the Supreme Court, etc…

  • Roberto MacDonald

    William Henry Harrison was inaugurated on March 4,1841, not a “cold day in January”.

  • freakishlystrong

    What an insufferable asshole.

  • Jamsie

    History lessons from a Emmett Kelly impersonator. What a country!

  • J Alfred Press

    Hey, uh, not to be a pill but I remember a couple of decades ago when I was a nerdy little high school debate team nerd guiltily reading Dave Barry Slept Here on the bus on the way to a tournament when I should have been going over evidence cards instead and I remember distinctly that the line about how the highlight of the Filmore Administration was that the “earth did not crash into the sun,” made me laugh so hard and awkwardly that Jolt! Cola came squirting painfully out my nose to punish me for my sin of reading a book full of fart jokes about US Presidents written by a card carrying Libertarian.

    So first, sorry for outing you as someone who has probably also read Dave Barry Slept Here! Second–was this like a deliberate homage to Dave Barry, or is it a weird case of cryptomnesia? (You’re in good company if it’s cryptomnesia, Nietzsche did the same thing at least once. Uh, this was when the neurosyphilis was pretty well advanced,but still.)

    • artem1s

      cryptomnesia. I like that. It goes a long way toward explaining why immature minds latch onto simplistic economic concepts like flat taxes, and the think they are the greatestest, most originalest, mind blowing ideas in the universe. also,too, why Flatulence Shrugged is still a thing despite being the most boring, long winded piece of dreck in the universe.

      • alwayspunkindrublic

        The book that nobody’s ever finished…except maybe Paul Ryan, apparently.

    • YourNameHere

      Dave Barry is awesome.

  • smitallica

    What makes this all the more chilling is that, among the gang of fart-sniffers known as the GOP, Ryan is considered the smart one.

    • zerosumgame0005

      and they also thought Jeb! was too

  • DoILookAmused2u ?

    And Paul Ryan is now considered one of the smarter Republicans in office.

    Sad huh?

    • jmk

      Well, he’s clearly considered one of the smarter Republicans in office by Paul Ryan, but to be fair, look at the competition – Tom Cotton? James Inhofe? We’re shooting fish in a barrel here.

    • Mahou Shoujo

      Considering the democrats are the competition, a bag of hog liver would be smarter.

    • LouAnnWatson

      and on the other side, biden

  • Courtney

    Ok. Technically, Harrison probably died of all the high-priced doctors who kept bleeding him instead of giving him some soup and a nap. I’d die from pneumonia also if Dr. Acula was stealing all my blood.

    Also, say what you want about Pierce, but he was definitely the hottest president. So…

    • Unforgotten

      Wasn’t that James Garfield (the one that died due to the incompetency of the doctors)?

      • Courtney

        According to the internet, they both did! Garfield was shot, but would have probably survived if a bunch (at least 4) of doctors hadn’t been jabbing their unsterilized fingers into his bullet wound. Harrison, according to the NYT, probably didn’t actually have pneumonia, but typhoid fever instead, because of all the swampy manure lands around the White House at the time. History is so weird. Anyway, his doctor gave him opium and enemas and that made his stomach condition much worse and allowed the bacteria free rein throughout his system.

        • Unforgotten

          Thanks for the info.

        • thatsjustmyhair

          “opium and enemas” is my new alt-rock band name.

  • too blind to see

    He doesn’t think that, it’s just another way of disgracing the president. He knows Obama is a good president who, in spite of continuous trying, never stop plunging forward. I hate to think what really tears at Ryan about president Obama

    • LouAnnWatson

      “he knows obama is a good president?” presumptuous thinking you’re smart enough know what someone else is thinking.

      • too blind to see

        really I said that, doesn’t sound like it. your ” I know I am but what are you comments” are stifling. Let me rephrase for you, To imply these presidents were better was just another jab at President Obama. Like Obama or not, you have to see it.

  • BearGHAZI

    However, Franklin Pierce WAS one of the handsomest presidents. It’s extremely important to never forget that

    • NorthStarSpanx

      Well hello there Mr. Pierce. . .

    • theblackdog

      Except he had no chin, at least according to the Animaniacs D-:

  • theblackdog

    Obligatory Presidents Song:

    https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Vvy0wRLD5s8

  • Is this my middle finger?

    I feel like Calvin Coolidge should be an honorable mention at least since his policies led to the stock market crash that Hoover inherited

  • Poly_Ester

    If there ever is a President Paul Ryan, I predict that in 4 yrs he will fail to accomplish what William Henry Harrison accomplished in his 32 days.

    • mtn_philosoph

      Get sick and die? WITH VOTES!

  • YourNameHere

    Can we have an IQ test in place for Senators and Members of the House now.

  • Dartemus

    Nixon did not secretly record his political opponents, he secretly recorded HIMSELF talking about trying to sabatoge his political opponents via burglary and obstructing justice. That makes him an even dumber president.

    • LouAnnWatson

      former presidents recorded themselves as well, nixon was the only one who mentioned his tapes.

  • Helena

    You’re not going to even give a shout out to Andrew Jackson for the whole teensy weensy trail of tears genocide thing? Or at least the decimation of Creole culture and the enslavement of most free blacks? COME ON.

  • Mahou Shoujo

    C.A. Pinkham is useless as a president as he never got elected, muchness involved in any scandal or impeached. His only crime is being a limp soggy specimen of a writer, of sorts. Sarah Palin got elected more times than Pinkham. In 1984, Palin won the Miss Wasilla beauty pageant, then finished third in the Miss Alaska pageant. Pinkham cannot play any flute, well maybe one.

  • Mr. Ogre

    Loved this. Learned stuff. Thank you!

  • mtn_philosoph
  • Evey Pinkham

    This post is perfectly spot on. Thank you!

  • DutchS

    Buchanan is also widely thought to have been gay, proving gays are the equal of straights in all the bad things, too.

    Seriously, though, look at this guy’s career. Congress, ambassador, offered but declined a bench on the Supreme Court, everything but battle killer robots from the future. He was one of the most experienced people ever to become President. And he sucked. Remember that next time someone talks about a candidate’s “experience.”

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