Speaker Paul Ryan was recently asked who his least favorite president was, and you’ll never guess who he said! (Yes, you will.) It couldn’t be Obama, could it? (Of course it could.) Well, boy howdy!
Given that Ryan thinks Obama is the worstest president who ever presidented, he must think all these other presidents were pretty great compared to the ineffective Kenyan usurper currently squatting in the White House:
William Henry Harrison
Harrison refused to wear a coat or hat for his inauguration speech (the longest such address ever given at the time) in 1840 despite it being a rainy day in freaking January. He died 32 days later of complications from pneumonia. Paul Ryan thinks Harrison was smarter than Obama, who has died from self-inflicted pneumonia complications exactly zero times.
Buchanan, aka “the really shitty one before we got Lincoln,” was the President who fiddled while Rome burned, doing absolutely nothing to stop the impending US Civil War. His response to the secession of 11 US states was pretty much a shrug emoji. He also looked like a very stoned Anthony Hopkins, which probably isn’t relevant, but we’re mentioning it anyway. Actual historians have consistently ranked James Buchanan as the Worst US President, but what do historians know about history anyway, is what Speaker Paul Ryan would like to know?
Andrew Johnson showed up to his inauguration as Vice President fall-over drunk, and it was probably the high point of his political career. The only President ever impeached for non-blowjob-related offenses, Johnson also opposed the 14th Amendment, aka “the one that allowed black people to become US citizens.” Paul Ryan clearly treasures Johnson’s forethought in this area.
OK, yes, Richard Milhous Nixon literally committed treason and consigned thousands of Americans to death in order to further his own political career. Sure, he was a paranoid sociopath caught illegally recording his political opponents, leading to his becoming the only US President ever to resign from office in complete disgrace. But! BUT! At least he was never guilty of Presidenting While Black! Can Barack HUSSEIN Obama say the same thing? Speaker Paul Ryan thinks not!
Franklin Pierce championed and signed the Kansas-Nebraska Act (which led to Kansans MURDERING THE LIVING SHIT out of each other for seven years), was a huge fan of the Fugitive Slave Act, and thought the abolitionist movement was a threat to the United States. His own party despised him so much it refused to even nominate him for Presidential re-election in 1856. He was not, however, a Mooslim Kenyan gay prostitute drug addict from Abortionstan, so clearly he’s better than Obama.
Warren G. Harding
Holy crap, did Warren G. Harding suck, you guys. His appeal for the Republican Presidential nomination of 1920 was “why not Zoidberg?” (no, we’re not kidding), and his tenure was defined by a buttload of scandals such as Teapot Dome. Warren G. Harding sucked so hard that even his scandal names were laughably stupid. His presidency is considered the most corrupt in American history, and that’s counting the ones since the Koch brothers were born. Nevertheless, he never advocated mild common sense gun reforms, so clearly he was far less of a corrupt tyrant than our current commander in chief.
Sure, Hoover may have helped plunge the country into the Great Depression and then wasn’t able to do anything to get us out of it, but at least he was never guilty of declaring that he thought gay people should have the same marriage rights as everybody else. Hoover 1, NOBAMA 0!
The highlight of the Fillmore administration was the Earth not crashing into the Sun. This was clearly a greater achievement than health care reform and marriage equality.
George W. Bush
LOL, we don’t even need to put anything here, right? You guys have got this one? OK, cool.
In the same interview where he declared Obama his least favorite President, Paul Ryan said his favorite President was James Madison, who owned hundreds of slaves, so Paul Ryan loves slavery, QED. Ryan also referred to Abraham Lincoln as a “founder,” which makes a ton of sense considering Lincoln was President 90 years after the country’s founding.
Paul Ryan is clearly very good at U.S. American history.