Hooray, it’s midnight! But only if you live in the time zone where it is midnight. If you don’t live there, like say for instance maybe you live in “Luxembourg” or the “Mountain Time Zone,” two places that may or may not exist, it is not midnight for you, so plug that champagne bottle with your boyfriend’s dick and wait just a goddamn minute, OK?
Anyway, what were we saying? Oh, we don’t know, just that it is 2016 now, somewhere, and that means it’s time for you to read the BEST TOP NOTCH DICK JOKE BLOG POSTS WONKETTE WROTED FOR THE WHOLE YEAR. That’s right, these are the ten posts that the mostest of you put your meat fingers on your computer mouse porn clicker to read, over the course of 2015.
And why should you do that? Because Wonkette did ALL THE THINGS THIS YEAR! We birthed a baby. We hired a gay. (Me, Evan, yapping at you.) You Wonkers bought us new servers. We made a shiny new site for you. We stoled Colin from Gawker because OH YEAH WE DID. And we want to do MORE of those things for you in 2016. So!
OPTION ONE: CLICK HERE and go to the donations page and give us $5, $10, $25, eleventy gazillion, or however many dollar moneys you feel the Lord is leading you to part with. That is where you will find this picture of Wonkette Baby, just after she was borneded:
OPTION B: Go to this here page, what’s called “Ad-Fewer Subscriptions.” There, you can subscribe to Wonkette just like your dentist does with Highlights For Children. Pick the subscription level you want, and WHOA HEY, where’d all those ads go???? Why is Wonkette running so smoothly and not crashing your Commodore 128 computer? Because that’s what AD-FEWER SUBSCRIPTIONS means, jackwad! Yes, there will be a few ads, but they’re for actual verified Wonkette pals, so deal with it.
OPTION ANOTHER: Do NONE OF THESE THINGS, and make Wonkette Baby cry!
OK. Donna Rose has stopped crying, because you threw moneys at our face. Now it is time for the posts. Are you ready? Do a drumroll in your pants, everybody!
Huckabee: That Duggar Boy Made A Mistake, Just Like When My Son Murdered That Dog: A story about how Josh Duggar just did a oopsy-daisy when he fingerbanged his sisters, just like when (DOY DOY DOY!) Mike Huckabee’s son murdered a dog.
Aaron Schock Spending Tax Moneys On Hot Male Personal Photographer. Totally Normal: A story about how former non-gay congressman Aaron Schock was spending tax moneys on this sexxxy “personal photographer” named Jonathon (With An ‘O’!) What they did together, we do not know. Probably not fucking, no way.
Bristol Palin Living In Sin For Third Or Eighteenth Time, For Abstinence: A story about how Bristol Palin was shacked up with this dude, but also making MANY MONEYS from her work shilling for abstinence. This was one of the few times this year Bristol was not currently pregnant.
Stories Of The World’s Most Awful Restaurant Customers: A story that was actually the very first installment of “Off The Menu,” written by C.A. Pinkham, which in no way resembles “Behind Closed Ovens,” which used to be part of the sad Gawker network.
Looks Like God Knocked Up Bristol Palin Again: A story about how God put a babby in Bristol’s vagina, because it’s not like she’s ever done the old bone-bone with a human man.
Gross Josh Duggar Admits To Molesting His Own Sisters, Resigns From Family Research Council: A story about that day we found out Josh Duggar used to play Diddlywinks with his sisters’ hoo-hoos.
Here Are 12 Of The Stupidest Things Ever To Come Out Of Donald Trump’s Mouth Hole: A story that should be self-explanatory, you ding-dong.
Nice White Dad Mysteriously Dies In Police Custody, We Can Talk Police Brutality Now? A horrifically sad story about a nice guy who went to a concert with his wife in Mississippi and somehow died several hours later after being hogtied by police in the middle of an asthma attack. Surely it wasn’t the cops’ fault, though.
Arkansas State Rep Probably Had Good Reason For Giving Adopted Daughter To Guy Who Raped Her: Another story that is so UGH we don’t even want to talk about it. Go meet Arkansas State Rep. Justin Harris if you haven’t already, by clicking that link!
OHHHHHH WE ARE SO CLOSE!
Remember that time Ben Shapiro got beated up by a transgender on teevee and it made his weenus break forever? LOL! OK we’ll stop fucking around, that’s not one of the top ten posts.
Guess Who’s Mixed Up In Duggar Family Sex Crimes Now? Hobby Lobby, Of Course! A story of how you can draw a straight line between the nasty scum Duggar family and the terrible, horrible, no good, very bad Hobby Lobby corporation, because OF COURSE YOU CAN.
Whew! Are you totally spent now? And yes, congratulations, Duggars, your gross-ass fuckery was our top post of the whole year. And sorry, Bristol, you didn’t get first place, just like you don’t get first place at abstinence.
So there is your reading, for to catch up on, or maybe to fap to all over again!
Blah blah blah, Happy New Year, now go the fuck away.
Yr Wonket pals