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If the state legislatures are the laboratories of democracy, hyper-local political bodies are the petri dishes of blindingly stupid petty misguided god-knows-what kind of governing system, and it is just shooting paramecium in a barrel, really. But then a story so great, so dumb, so perfect, so Wonktacular comes along, and holy crap city councils we just can’t quit you.

Let’s visit with the Town Council of Woodland, North Carolina, where they have just rejected a solar farm. Not because they’re all pro-fossil fuels (though let’s face it, they probably are). Not for economic reasons (though let’s face it, they probably don’t want to spend the money). No, they rejected a solar farm because their residents don’t really understand how the sun works.

[Resident] Bobby Mann said he watched communities dry up when I-95 came along and warned that would happen to Woodland because of the solar farms.

“You’re killing your town,” he said. “All the young people are going to move out.”

He said the solar farms would suck up all the energy from the sun and businesses would not come to Woodland.

You know, you could probably go find an average three-year-old toddling down the street and ask him or her if you can accidentally suck up all the sun and even said three-year-old would probably look at you like you were the biggest idiot on God’s green sun-kissed earth.

Just in case you were thinking that Mr. Bobby Mann was an unusually virulent strain of stupid over there in Woodland, let’s introduce you to Jane, his wife.

She is a retired Northampton science teacher and is concerned that photosynthesis, which depends upon sunlight, would not happen and would keep the vegetation from growing. She said she has observed areas near solar panels where vegetation is brown and dead because it did not receive enough sunlight.

She also questioned the high number of cancer deaths in the area, saying no one could tell her that solar panels didn’t cause cancer.

You know, she’s probably right. No one can tell her that solar panels do not cause cancer because both Mr. and Ms. Mann are not going to be swayed by things like facts and how the sun actually works, even though the solar power company sent some poor SOB over to the council to try to explain basic science to these people, ONE OF WHOM USED TO TEACH CHILDREN SCIENCE.

[Company representative] Brent Niemann spoke about solar farms [and] said the only sunlight the panels use to generate power is that which hits them directly.

“The panels don’t draw additional sunlight,” Niemann noted. […]

“There are no toxic materials on site,” Niemann said. “This is a tried and true technology.”

And then everyone understood and totally voted for solar panels and hahahahaha no of course not. They council voted for a moratorium on future solar farms and god help us all if these people are the future of, well. Anything really.

[Roanoke-Chowan News Herald]

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  • Callyson

    He said the solar farms would suck up all the energy from the sun

    • Well, sure. I see this sort of energy absorption in cartoons all the time. Dragon Ball Z is scientifically accurate, right?

  • FauxAntocles

    Was that Bobby-Jimmy or Bobby-Jim-Bob?

  • Steverino247

    “All the young people are going to move out.”

    No, they’re going to flee for their lives.

    • coozledad

      They leave because old white has it just the way they want it. Stupid, car-centric, otiose, racist, ugly and mean. Once you get out of the conurbations, North Carolina is a fucking sewer.

      • Steverino247

        I have driven through parts of it and have observed the very sharp dividing line between those two areas.

        • coozledad

          Especially just as you get north of Greensboro. Pure damn Klan-ass backward cousinfuck.

      • House0fTheBlueLights

        You win the internet today for “otiose”

    • Latverian Diplomat

      Those kids do love their sunbathing.

    • Tom Ford

      No they won’t move out. They’re afraid that they’ll fall off the edge of the earth.

    • Bobby Mann will prevent the young people from moving away by making it too damned embarrassing for them to explain where they came from.

    • eddi

      They are leaving because it is a small, dying rural community full of ill-educated hicks.

      • Sgt. Gym Bunny

        Exactly… I only go back to my NC hick-town because Mom and Dad. Can’t even visit childhood friends because they all left, like I did.

      • handyhippie65

        i live in one of those.

  • FauxAntocles

    So IQs do come in negatives – who knew?

  • Steverino247

    I hear the Navy needs a new bombing range…

  • Joe Beese

    I actually feel dumber just from having read this.

    • Toomush_Infer

      “It’s working!….”

      – GOP

  • tihond

    Well, looks like Darwin was wrong.

    • FauxAntocles

      Hey, now, you can’t hold Chuck responsible for a stagnant gene pool.

    • CriticalDragon1177

      You’re probably at least partly joking, but No, evolution doesn’t mean that creatures will automatically get better or smarter with each generation, and that includes us humans unfortunately.

      • FauxAntocles

        Humans in particular tend to select some odd things – large breasts for one example. In the case of the American south, their antipathy for intellectualism is a driving factor.

  • Nounverb911

    They should get Melanoma Trump to come speak on their behalf.

    • Steven M. Harries

      That’s his fifth wife, no? I heard she too enjoyed double-backed lifeguard-plowing while he was practicing the art of the cuckold.

  • NorthStarSpanx

    I thought we closed the book on flat earthers? Oh wait, there’s Intelligent Design, Creationists, and Palins still afoot.

  • JohnnyZhivago2

    It’s true though – show me a plant growing under a solar panel!!!!

    • Lascauxcaveman

      Maybe I need to install solar panels over my back deck to keep the F&@%K#*! blackberry vines from growing up between the boards.

  • Joe Beese

    Since the beginning of time, man has yearned to destroy the Sun…

  • Nounverb911

    “The stupid is strong in this one.”

  • CriticalDragon1177

    Apparently some people have no idea how the sun, or photosynthesis work. This is an argument for better science education in this country. We need a lot better science education.

  • Bah, everyone knows that if we use too much sun, we can simply sacrifice someone to Quetzalcoatl to bless us with more sunlight.

    • Steverino247

      Obsidian blade, anyone?

    • Werewolf

      Huitzilipotchli libel!

    • richardgrabman

      Don’t you mean Huitzilopochtli?

    • Lascauxcaveman

      Apollo libelz!

  • Tallmutha

    If only the Manns could soak up all the stupid in the area, leaving everyone else intelligent enough to vote them out.

  • JohnnyZhivago2

    Hold it – if this is true, it is a fix for global warming.

  • Count Awesome

    Did tgey

  • Brewerofbeers

    “No, they rejected a solar farm because their residents don’t really understand how the sun works.”

    Not exactly true. Yes, those residents are morons, but the town already has three solar farms and the issue with this one seemed more to be the location than the farm itself.

    http://www.newsobserver.com/news/business/article49766215.html

    • Whollyholeyholy

      This location being especially sensitive to carcinogens and photosynthesis.

      • Brewerofbeers

        Troll says what?

    • emberglance

      The issue was also with the fact that solar panels hoover up sunlight, leaving too little for plants to grow nearby. That is what the science-teaching lady said. Don’t try and make this story less hilarious please.

      • Brewerofbeers

        Sorry. I facepalmed with shame when I read the first story, but it turns out that these two morons are just your run of the mill “people who show up to city council meetings.” I mean, honestly, the only people who take time to go to meetings like this always seem to be complete idgits.

        Good news is that NC is actually 4th in the US in terms of how much solar power we can produce.

  • Anarchy Pony

    No words…

  • coozledad

    Pat McFucking Crory will appoint Jane Mann to head up the newly established NC Bureau Of Science In The Name Of The Lord.

  • D_C_Wilson

    Goddamn we’re a stupid country.

    • Steven M. Harries

      Thank Dog the Soviets defeated the Nazis at Stalingrad (although we still take credit for saving Allied Europe)—and European scientists came here to develop our sciences and war technology. Otherwise, we’d never stand a chance.

  • Steven M. Harries

    Don’t you sorta wish they’d all just top themselves already? And el pronto? It wouldn’t make for much humor, it might be a tad tragic (especially because some of them would look nice in a bordello or on TV or giving out “Jews for Jesus” pamphlets or something), but at least we’d have a 21st century to begin dealing with instead of the 19th.

    • Toomush_Infer

      And, in related news: Hydroelectric dams, once thought to be a potent source of electricity, now credited with “loss of our water” by local science teacher…

      • Latverian Diplomat

        Or loss of gravity. “It’s like our potential energy is just draining away.”

  • Brewerofbeers

    The town already has three solar farms, which had more to do with the moratorium than these morans.

    • lroom

      I’m more concerned about this person being a science teacher.

      • Brewerofbeers

        Yeah, like I said elsewhere on this thread, I have a sneaky suspicion that she was Ted Cruz’s science teacher.

    • Kip TW

      Yes, and it’s not exactly “solar” they voted down, but the particular instance of this company doing it in this place and what the town got out of it. P.Z. Myers (a science guy who favors solar) has more.

  • AnOuthouse

    They’re kind of right. I have a ground mounted solar array and it does shade out the poison ivy and kill it.

    • Brewerofbeers

      I wouldn’t give those two that much credit.

  • AnOuthouse

    That mercury being spewed by burning coal is good for me, right Science Lady?

    • beavertank

      It adds that subtle zing to fish that keeps it tasting interesting. It NEEDS to be there.

    • tinker12

      And preservatives are GOOD for you because they preserve you, right?

      • Latverian Diplomat

        They’re key to the corpse portion of the “Live fast, die young, leave a good-looking corpse” approach to life.

        • tinker12

          Ahh yes, the classic James Dean Guide to Life.

    • Playonwords

      Well dentists use it to fill your teeth – so mercury can’t be all bad

  • cousin itt

    See Bobby, when two hydrogen atoms love each other very much they fuse and create a helium atom.

    • Nounverb911

      Sort of like this?

      • Anarchy Pony

        But it just keeps exploding.

    • Aaron_000

      Please! Watch that language! There may be children reading. ?

    • Or when two hydrogen atoms that are brother and sister praise the lord enough . . . (or is that only in Arkansas?)

    • Msgr_Moment

      And they create enough heat to light up the night!

      • cousin itt

        True that -in the infrared.

    • Latverian Diplomat

      Actually, they form deuterium after one of them gets “neutered”, then they invite in another proton to keep things interesting, and then that threesome joins with another threesome but they kick the two least attractive protons out. The sun is way kinkier than most people realize.

      • cousin itt

        Let’s just not tell the kids about the proton proton daisy chain.

      • Mehmeisterjr

        So it’s a sub-molecular swingers’ club is what you’re telling me.

        • Latverian Diplomat

          Well, it starts out that way, but once the foursomes are set up they just sort of sit around waiting for the red giant phase to get things going again.

          • Mehmeisterjr

            Well that’s a downer. I distinctly remember that I was promised orgies.

          • Latverian Diplomat

            Hey, this is a nice stellar neighborhood. Go to the red starlight district if you want that kind of action.

            ETA: I think Betelgeuse is heating up. Word is it’s about to explode with possibilities.

      • handyhippie65

        so what, your like an astrophysicist, or something?

        • Latverian Diplomat

          just a fan

  • SuspectedDemocrat

    They’re worried the power plant owner will block the sun?

    SIMPSONS DID IT!!!!

    http://i795.photobucket.com/albums/yy236/GauchGauch/The%20Simpsons/PDVD_023.jpg

  • marxalot

    So I’m picturing Mr Mann as kind of like this:

  • beavertank

    I think we finally found it. We found the stupidest place in the entire country.

    …now, if we could just convince Tea Baggers to move there then put up their own wall to “keep them safe from the dangerous world”, maybe the rest of us could finally have nice things.

    • jmk

      My first thought was hooray! We’ve found the center from which all the derp flows… but then I thought of all the other stupid that exists in US America and I realized that I was being unduly optimistic.

  • Lefty Frizzell

    North Carolina has set the stupidity bar almost impossibly high. Some are now saying it can’t be beaten. It’s all up to you South Carolina – are you going to take that lying down?

    • TheOtherHeadlessThompsonGunner

      If I know my people, and I do, they won’t even let this “sohler” energy bullshit come up for a vote. And that’s how you know South Carolina is the home of true conservatism.

      • Lefty Frizzell

        SOLYNDRA!!!! BENGHAZI!!!

    • Creepoman

      North Carolina: the Sergei Bubka of stupid.

  • witsended

    I posted yesterday that the story had gone international and most of the world was having a good old laugh.
    Felt sorry for your fellow country persons, who tried to explain such stupidity, on various comment sections.
    The winning excuses seemed to include variations of rural south, kissing cousins,religion, and home schooling.

  • lucidamente

    Maybe they’d be ok with it if the company rep told them that solar power came from fracking.

    • dslindc

      . . . or Jesus.

    • Michael Smith

      This why we need clever PR people who can go off of people’s existing prejudices rather than try and reason with them.

      For instance, I think this is a great opportunity to convince them that Global Warming is real: With all the solar panels going up, the sun is getting sucked closer to the Earth.

  • Tom Ford

    I like to store up sunshine in buckets and save it for a rainy day, when I just pour it allllllll over me!

    • Thaumaturgist

      You need to bottle the sunshine. Then you can sell it. It’s The American Way.

      • Tom Ford

        All well and good until Shkreli buys the rights and jacks up the price 1,000% overnight. Then it’s buh bye Sunshine!

      • Mehmeisterjr

        Bottle the sunshine? That’s ridiculous! What you need to do is freeze it to preserve freshness.

        • Querolous

          Bottled sunshine? That’s good ol’ corn squeezins’!

      • handyhippie65

        i remember a can of sunshine, i got from florida. does that count?

  • The Wanderer

    Dear God,
    Hi. You don’t know me, but you really need to step up your game a bit when creating new humans in the womb. The current crop include a LOT – I mean a FUCKTON – of idiots.
    My regards to the wife and kids.

    • Redgyal

      Dear Wanderer,
      Inbreeding cancels the warranty.
      Kind regards,
      The Creator

    • Toomush_Infer

      Hey! I thought we were the kids! What’s going on?…

  • AnOuthouse

    I just got a solar array installed and I noticed the days getting shorter. I think they’re on to something.

    • Anarchy Pony

      Seems to be getting colder too…

      • cousin itt

        Global warming is just a hoax.

        • Anarchy Pony

          All that industrial pollution is like a nice comfy blanket for earth.

          • Michael Rush

            Bobby Mann and his wife are using
            too much of the oxygen .

          • Aaron_000

            We will need that blanket once all you liberals use up all the sun with your fancy solar panels.

    • Creepoman

      I’d recommend removing them right after Christmas and I’m sure you’ll see that fixes the problem.

  • Redgyal

    So, the next time someone tells you that ‘Merikuh is the best country on earth, remember this.

    • doktorzoom

      Well, this is certainly exceptional.

      • eddi

        Bless it’s Southern-fried heart.

  • I think Bill Nye just had a coronary.

    • eddi

      More like busted a rib laughing.

    • Antonin Dvorak

      Has anyone checked on Dr. Tyson today?

  • Spotts1701

    Sure, the sun has enough fuel to last another four billion years as a main sequence star before ballooning out to a red giant. But these little dinky solar panels 92 million miles away will suck all that energy right on out.
    Must be some solar panels.

    • SoSezYou

      ‘Murican made! Not those wimpy Japanese models. Our solar panels are jacked up to over 8 feet and have huge off road mud tires on ’em.

      • Anarchy Pony

        And trucknutz!

  • calliecallie

    From local City Council to State Rep to State Senate to Congresscritter. And that is why we can’t have nice things.

  • If you think that solar panels suck up the sunshine . . . you might just be a dumbass. – Jeff Foxworthy

  • JMP

    They’re all worried that someone’s gonna steal their sunshine; I think the incestuous Canadian one-hit wonder Len got to them.

  • Aaron_000

    Solar panels sucking the sun dry….

    • jmk

      Ehrmegerd!!! It’s working!! We’ve taken so much sunshine out of the sun that in a mere 5 billion years, it will start to die!!! Wake up, SHeePle!!11!!111!!!

  • Toomush_Infer

    In other schience news: Watering crops with Brawndo does not work as well as using water….

    • Msgr_Moment

      You mean toilet water?

    • Anarchy Pony

      It’s got electrolytes, though…

  • Olav_Pompatus

    To help visualize the reality, just remember that the earth is a big ol’ solar panel.

    • DoILookAmused2u ?

      Sucking up all the Sunlight, right?

      • SisterArtemis

        well duh – look at how dark it is all around that thing! But wait, why isn’t the Earth flat? Lying librul science, again!

        • Good_Gawd_Yall

          Oops, shoulda scrolled down. Oh well, great minds think alike!

    • Msgr_Moment

      “Matter tells space how to curve;
      space tells matter how to derp.” — John Archibald Wheeler

    • Good_Gawd_Yall

      That isn’t a real picture! You can’t even SEE ‘Murika! I call liebural lies!!!1!!1!!eleven!!!

  • DoILookAmused2u ?

    In a sane city, Mrs Mann would be looking for a new job.

    Seriously. Not a joke. This woman should be fired before she inflicts more stupid on unsuspecting kids.

    • Brewerofbeers

      She is retired.

      • DoILookAmused2u ?

        Yeah, I just caught that. Involuntarily, I hope.

      • DahBoner

        And Senile.

      • Cleo_Cat

        In other words: Too late.

  • tinker12

    Clearly a case of the Dunning-Kruger Effect if I’ve ever seen one —

  • Brewerofbeers

    It is only fair to ask: Was she Ted Cruz’s science teacher?

  • DoILookAmused2u ?
    • Antonin Dvorak

      You assume that pattern recognition is part of their repertoire.

      • eddi

        Selective ignorance certainly is.

    • handyhippie65

      hey now, you’re making the south look like a booby prize from the civil war.

  • baconzgood

    “no one could tell her that solar panels didn’t cause cancer”

    Let me be the first of many to tell you…THEY DON’T!

    • DoILookAmused2u ?

      Maybe she was thinking of eating them?

    • Latverian Diplomat

      Stand next to one all day, every day for years, and see if your chances of contracting skin cancer don’t go up!

  • Tom Ford

    Doesn’t she know that North Carolina can sell sunshine credits to shady states for money and profits?

    • Mehmeisterjr

      Florida is a pretty shady state since Rick Scott took over. Another example: Kansas in the Age of Brownback.

      • Tom Ford

        And any state could experience a solar eclipse – you know, when the sun is angry at the human race and denies us its light and heat.

        • Mehmeisterjr

          I always wondered about that. Is the Sun God pissed off at us or is the Moon Goddess grouchy because of that whole Megyn Kelly bleeding thing? And what about the Bringer of Thunder?

  • jviscont1

    So, derpitude does function after sunset after all.

  • Didn’t she have to pass a praxis exam to get into the classroom. It’s not an incredibly high bar, near the same level as an AP exam, but I don’t remember any of my students saying anything as asinine as solar panels suck up the sunshine. And I had a quite a few kids from fundamentalist households.

    • DoILookAmused2u ?

      Lot of trees in North Carolina. My first thought would be… do you have to cut down a lot of trees?

      Because, if so… maybe rooftop generation is the better way to go.

      • Brewerofbeers

        The three solar farms in the town were put on farm land that was already cleared, which is where this one was going, but the proximity to main roads and homes was why it was not approved.

  • DahBoner

    She said she has observed areas near solar panels where vegetation is brown and dead because it did not receive enough sunlight.

    I think I’ve found the problem, mam’n…

    Did this North Carolina genius just lay the solar panels flat on top of someone’s garden?
    https://media0.giphy.com/media/654unty0gaFji/200w_d.gif

  • baconzgood

    Book Baconz a flight. I got a rock that keeps lions away to sell them.

  • cousin itt

    To be fair, a black hole of incredibly dense matter can in fact swallow light but let’s not bring Louie Gohmert into this.

    • Mehmeisterjr

      I’ve seen places near Lou Gohmert where the asparagus was brown, on account of there wasn’t none of that phonosymthemis.

  • SoSezYou

    Wow, just wow., If Mr. and Mrs Bobby Mann want to know what is causing the trees and grass dying off, it is from the other thing they have been indoctrinated into not believing in and that is extended drought caused by global climate change.

  • Tom Ford

    She knows what she is talking about. Once I accidentally ripped a hole in reality in my yard and a bunch of sunlight leaked out before I could tape it shut. It was a really dark day. True story.

    • cousin itt

      And then there was that wrinkle in time.

  • Randy Riddle

    First Benghazi, now Obama is sucking up all the Sun!

    • Lady Bug

      Just wait until he tries to steal candy from baby Maggie!

  • Maybe if we convince them that, if they buy the panels, we’ll let the sun come back…

  • sydneycat

    NOOOOO! Don’t do it Wonkette! I love you too much to let you buy into this! https://t.co/QgS4XrWk00

    • I cannot speak for others, but I am not laughing at the whole town. Just the Mann’s, because it is either laugh or cry about a science teacher who does not understand how energy propagation and solar panels work. Her comments are just pitiful.

      • eddi

        It sounds like the town is in sad shape from the power company trampling all over them. A common story that nobody would think to cover. Inadvertently, Ms. Mann might have done them a favor.

    • clubseal

      “They are looking for direct answers to why their neighbors are dying of cancer, an extremely complicated question, for sure”
      It would be irresponsible not to speculate that it’s solar panels causing cancer.

    • Lefty Frizzell

      Well – even the article in your linky, and the snopes article it quotes, admit that that couple actually said those things, so to that extent I’m buying into it. A wider issue/story available? Probably. Some room here to single out and laugh at those hicks? Definitely!

      • Brewerofbeers

        Oh, the couple absolutely said it, but that is really more indicative of the type of person who goes to these kinds of meetings than anything else. The issue is that Wonkette’s article claims these crazy people are the reason why they did not approve solar farm #4 in the town, which is a stretch – to put it nicely.

  • cousin itt

    Those solar panels would have to suck as much as GOP assholes on billionaire dick so, it might be possible.

  • jviscont1

    For her concern on greenery, I suspect Mrs. Mann has a financial interest in a sprinkler system biz.

  • baconzgood

    Maybe its a town full of Andy Kaufmans pulling a prank on all of us.

    • Boscoe

      I wondered who the last optimist was.

  • WhoDat
  • Hutch

    A bunch of liberal solar panels!!!11!!! They’re like the sun’s magnifying glass and you know what happens to ants.

    Bless their hearts. They’re morans.

  • Jon Sussex

    Sheryl Crow done soaked up the sun.

  • Tendernob

  • CriticalDragon1177

    Actually according to Slate this story is nonsense and was just really bad reporting

    Solar Panels Won’t “Suck Up All the Energy From the Sun.” But Don’t Laugh at North Carolina.
    http://www.slate.com/blogs/future_tense/2015/12/15/north_carolina_leads_on_solar_energy_despite_backward_climate_reputation.html

    • SoSezYou

      Party poopers

      • CriticalDragon1177

        Sorry but I had to tell you guys. Didn’t want the right wing to be able to accuse Wonkette of being dishonest or reporting something inaccurately, even through “Fox News” does that stuff all the time.

      • eddi

        Don’t fret. Even though the story had the wrong focus, we can still laugh at the rubes.

  • SoSezYou

    Who knows what evil lurks in the hearts of solar panel manufacturers?

    The Shadow knows!!

  • chicken thief

    I’m pretty sure the wind farm down the road a piece also too is stealing the breeze that used to grace my front porch.

    • Boscoe

      Them ding-dang librul’s are tryin’ to suffocate us all!

  • Villago Delenda Est

    We really need to start considering that allowing these people to breed will make Idiocracy a certainty.

    • Cleo_Cat

      That movie is becoming scarily close to documentary. The GOP circus and Trump are really bringing it to life. Bad for the rest of us.

  • chicken thief

    Make fun if you will but Carly saw video of solar panels butchering the surrounding vegetation while the installers just laughed!

  • jeff fearnow

    ….and I was under the apparently misguided opinion that the North Carolinians were the smart ones.

    • chicken thief

      Why yes. Yes they are. They are the Jeb!’s of the Carolinas.

    • harryeagar

      Way long ago, NC was described as a valley of humility between two mountains of pride. They’ve got lots to be humble about.

  • w9anthimos

    They have stumbled onto a conspiracy. Big Solar is in league with Big Black Hole and will soon suck the entire Sun into oblivion!

  • chicken thief

    “She also questioned the high number of cancer deaths in the area, saying
    no one could tell her that solar panels didn’t cause cancer.”

    It’s NC, sweetie. Think tuh-backy and smokin and dippin might have anything to do with anything?

    • Boscoe

      Or that flag-making factory pumping red white and blue waste products directly into the water table…

      • chicken thief

        Didn’t they also too have an issue with pig shit in creeks? And Duke Power waste water?

  • GDleftyPart2

    That crafty yellow ball shows up everyday in the east and floats through before dropping off in the west.

    Can someone get Bellow Rightly on the phone to explain that to me since he did so well with tides….

  • Beezelbubbles

    We should do more sucking of the sun. Then we wouldn’t have to worry about it essploding in 6 billion years.

    • Rick Hill

      Finally, some common sense.

  • Rick Hill

    I’d say it’s more likely that too much exposure to her idiocy causes lots of cancer.

  • Gorillionaire

    Oh, no, Wonkette. You have really disappointed me. Other people in this town did have legit concerns about the solar farm (mostly to do with Duke Power’s shitastic attitude) and they spoke up at the meeting, but these couple of dimwits made the news and now everybody is laughing and pointing at the dumbass Southerners. Thanks alot.

  • Speaking of soaking up the sun: [img]http://i.imgur.com/qVHH1i9.jpg[/img]

    • zerosumgame0005

      OK, you now owe everyone who sees that pic new eyes after we all scratch ours out…

    • Brewerofbeers

      Bleach! I need bleach for my eyes!

      • tinker12

        Sorry, we only have Brain Bleach in stock, but it should help.

    • Anarchy Pony

      Why?

    • Major_Major_Major

      You found my farmersonly.com group photo.

    • TheBidenator

      Can’t we consider this image a terrorist attack or at least a banhammerable offense?

      • Aaron_000

        If they had darker tans then we could call them terrorists.

    • TheBidenator

      What did we all ever do to you to deserve this…?

    • thenearesthippie

      I dunno, the guy on the far right has a certain je ne sais quoi. . . .

    • laineypc

      Well they had the good sense to take the picture outside of maximum UV exposure time. Takin’ care of the little ‘un probly.

  • eddi

    The crazy is fun but the city council voted no for other reasons.

    tl;dr “Notably, among concerns registered were those like Hobbs’; some
    residents simply worried that the burgeoning solar industry would
    further depress the local economy and tank the values of their homes
    (asserting that such damage had already been done.)”
    http://www.snopes.com/north-carolina-town-rejects-solar-panels/

    • zerosumgame0005

      you went right past the other reason to mock, that lady taught “science” to kids! did she also teach those kids the moon is made of green cheese and gravity is a myth? them both being clueless buffoons in public and the council voting in their favor, no matter what other reasons, is just icing on the dumbass cake

      • eddi

        That she was a science teacher leaves not knowing whether to laugh or scream in terror the those kids are the future.

        • Aaron_000

          According to this article, the science teacher is married to the guy that thinks the solar panels will suck the sun dry. I’m pretty sure their children will turn out just fine.

          • Hesavebread!

            The science teacher thinks the solar panels cause cancer.

  • Joshua Norton

    He said the solar farms would suck up all the energy from the sun and businesses would not come to Woodland.
    .

    • Aaron_000

      … or why they only shove probes up people’s asses when they do come here.

      • Mintie

        “Xsgl, why is the subject screaming? Communications says all these creatures talk about are their rectal organs, and concluded that they would find this form of interaction agreeable!”

  • Antonin Dvorak

    From the people who thought “turbines would stop all the wind” comes the next exciting chapter in renewable energy nuttery…

  • Michael Smith

    This is just like when they built all those hydroelectric power plants out west, and now there’s no water there.

  • Bitter Scribe

    So that’s why it’s cloudy today!

  • kindness

    Another state I will never live in.

    • Takoma DC

      And NC had been showing such great promise.

    • Brewerofbeers

      Because a couple of crazies showed up to a town meeting? I got news for you – the only people who ever show up to town meetings with regularity tend to be insane and/or idgits.

      • sillyclucker

        And you hire some of them as science teachers? That’s a terrific way to make more insane idgits.

        • Brewerofbeers

          She is dinosaur and wasting away in retirement now.

          • sillyclucker

            I’m sure she left behind many years worth of idgits.

          • Brewerofbeers

            Like I said elsewhere on the thread – probably Ted Cruz’s science teacher

  • Takoma DC

    I hope NC board of education is in the process of finding the children, those poor dumb kids (now adults I assume) and sciencesplain photosynthesis and solar energy with true facts.

    • ThirdAmendmentMan

      Their education: If good, God did it. If bad, the homo libtards did it.

      • laineypc

        What about if ugly?

        • ThirdAmendmentMan

          Ever been to middle of nowhere NC. They’re all ugly.

  • Ä Ğrümpy Çät

    You used a DS9 gif. From the sexxxxxy goatee and shaved head phase. I love you.

  • SterWonk

    Finally, some love for Ben Sisko!

  • the_heckler

    Hey better safe than sorry. The sun disappears every night into the west probably because it’s in cahoots with China at night. I don’t trust the sun and those North Carolinians shouldn’t either. What we really need is more oil, never mind tapping into other types of energy. Remember: Sun = Communism. You keep your socialist sharin’ in space, you hear that sun?

    This message was definitely not brought to you by the Koch brothers.

    • Hesavebread!

      Remember the brainwashing scene in that documentary The Manchurian Candidate? Sunrise in the East, sunset in the West. It means something I tell ye.

      • the_heckler

        Yep, that was the most fact-filled documentary I have ever seen since that National Geographic Mermen special.

  • Good_Gawd_Yall

    If only we could harness the stupid, we could wean ourselves off all other sources of energy in the known universe.

  • TheBidenator

    For electing these people this town should remove its incorporation and just move everyone to another less dumb town….you had your shot but you short yourself in the foot morans.

    • ThirdAmendmentMan

      Most of those people couldn’t afford to leave North Carolina.

      • Biff52

        I hear it’s cheaper in the other Carolina.

    • Brewerofbeers

      The elected officials weren’t the ones making the dumbass comments.

      • TheBidenator

        Weren’t they now….? Find out who the elected officials are and I’ll bet you find a mountain of derp in their backyards.

        • Brewerofbeers

          The people making the comments were two residents. Not the elected officials. So no.

          The only reason Strata Solar’s farm was not approved was a. they already have three solar farms in the town and b. the location they chose was too close to major thoroughfare and residential zones.

          • Zippy

            I’ve been seriously hoping that there was more to this story- because the alternative is scary

          • So you’re from the Woodland, NC Chamber of Commerce, right?

          • Brewerofbeers

            Swing and a miss. Sorry if the truth of the story is inconvenient for your prejudices though.

          • No, seriously: you’re giving alibis to sad, dumb, ignorant hicks and the people who pander to them. Your story doesn’t make sense: what is so bad about Stara Solar having an extra solar farm? You obviously have some interest in this story and are here to muddy the waters in favour of… I don’t know, if it’s not the Woodland NC establishment.

          • Brewerofbeers

            Like I said, sorry if the actual story is inconvenient to your preconceived notion that all North Carolinians are hicks.

            You can google the story. It is pretty old at this point and several news sources have revealed that the initial report was misleading at best.

            I’m just disappointed that, after the stance taken by Wonkette on the SB shootings to not pander in rumors, they failed to properly research this story.

            It is fairly simple though. The two people making the painfully stupid comments are not elected officials. It is not a bias to point out a simple fact like that. I’m sorry if this causes you cognitive dissonance.

            As pointed out by organizations like the News and Observer, Slate and Snopes – the reason this farm was rejected had nothing to do with a fear of solar power. There are already three solar farms in the town.

          • Msmlg1979

            Fellow NC resident here. You would think the folks bashing NC would realize that believing the residents of one state/region are all the same is just as ignorant as believing solar panels kill the sun. I thought we were against that type of harmful thinking at Wonkette.

          • Brewerofbeers

            I do like the hilariously dishonest notion that pointing out that none of the stupid comments were made by elected officials constitutes “muddying the waters” though.

          • Wee Mousie

            I think he’s one of the lawyers working for the Woodland Chamber of Commerce.

            That makes more sense when you realize the Woodland Chamber of Commerce is a Thunder Mug.

          • Brewerofbeers

            Swing and a miss again, honey. Sorry that the actual story messes with your bigotry, though.

  • TheBidenator

    They’re just confusing solar panels with Chris Christie who like Nintendo mascot Kirby vacuum sucks in all the things nearby…it’s a common mistake.

  • harryeagar

    Got news for ya, Bobby. Businesses are not coming to Woodland (pop. 809) already. The town website lists 14, if you include the thrift store, and 2 of those are lawyers.

    I doubt any other town in the country has a business profile that includes 14% lawyers, but I imagine Woodlanders often make decisions that cause them to be sued.

    • Hesavebread!

      The lawyers are suing big ter-baccy for the cancers the sun is causing, also too, they are both sides of Boss Bubba’s estate dispute where the wife-sister is suing the wife-daughter for custody of the coonhound. Or maybe I watched too much Dukes of Hazzard growing up.

  • JoeChristmas

    I’m infinitely more scared of these numbnuts than any ISIS threat.

    • Wee Mousie

      You should! The dumbth can do more damage than most varieties done on purpose and the Derp Warriors are already amongst you.

      • Yep, this brain trust has definitely proven that they are responsible enough to handle firearms.

  • TheBidenator

    You know, as dumb as the concept of humans being used as batteries is, maybe “The Matrix” was onto something. Maybe we could create a system for which pure, 100% crude derp could power all of our buildings. Then we just hook wingnuts up to it, give them wall-to-wall Fox News, talk radio and conservative blogs, sit back and reap the power generated in their stupid little minds….yes, it’s so crazy it might just work.

    • Wee Mousie

      America would rule the world in derp power.

  • Gratuitous World

    I’ve never seen anything so stupid and I watched two seasons of House of Cards

    • Brewerofbeers

      Why would you do that to yourself? We are here for you. There are people who love you.

  • Gleem-McShinez

    Look, it’s true.

    For example, we use oil, right?
    Every scientist knows that oil basically comes from dinosaurs, duh.

    ARE THERE ANY DINOSAURS AROUND??? SEE?!!!!

    Q.E.D. SOLAR PANELS WILL MAEK NO MOAR SUN!!1

    • Zippy

      My oil comes from my local Sinclair station, does that count?

      • Daniel P

        They murdered the dinosaurs to get that oil. That’s why there’s one on the logo.

        • Zippy

          in all fairness, those dinosaurs had it coming. Did you see that latest Jurassic Park remake?

        • Wee Mousie

          That old wives tale about petroleum coming from dinosaurs is so much banana oil.

    • chicken thief

      Filling stations giving away free steak knives also too keeps the gas price down. I remember way back the last time I got a free steak knife gas was $.49 a gallon. They stopped giving away steak knives and WHOA, GIT BACK!, the price has gone up and UP ever since.

      It’s freakin science, folks.

      • Doug Langley

        You just can’t argue with logic.

      • Wee Mousie

        If you’ve just given someone a steak knife, you can’t charge them $3 a gallon for gas.

        I just wouldn’t be prudent.

  • Zippy

    When I first read about this last week I was sure it was a hoax. Either some prankster managed to troll the entire media, or God help us, these people are dangerously dumb…

    • laineypc

      Some prankster trolling the entire media is not that uncommon an event nowadays. How many of the google searches result in 150 items all using one source (or eachother) in the echo chamber….Thank goodness we have the crack staff here at our Wonkvet to check sources proper like.

    • LarkintheAM

      You can cure ignorance, but you can’t cure stupid. And there seem to more and more dangerously stupid people all the time.

  • Hoggish Greedly

    No one can tell me that shooting stars don’t cause arthritis either.

  • JD

    This is why we can’t have nice things. Verily, we are living in the Age of Dumb.

  • akita96th

    These people are probably the same folks who think changing the time back and forth messes with their gardens…

    • Beaumarchais?

      Well, that’s just science.

  • akita96th

    The NC government along with the crazy religious nuts have and are destroying our state…They have sold out to the fossil fuel crowd…They think anyone not a conservative is a devil that should be destroyed….NC has sucumbed to the forces of ignorance…and evil…They dont realize the real devil is the GOP lawmakers….

  • chicken thief

    I wonder who ties the shoes for the Mann family.

    • gedjcj

      Assumes facts not in evidence.

      • Mintie

        Exactly. It’s people like the Manns that have spawned an entire industry of handicapped-helpful products. In this case, the slip-on Keds.

    • The students.

    • LarkintheAM

      I wonder why their village council agreed with the village idiots (and why the female village idiot had ever gotten hired to teach science).

  • John

    There’s stupid and then there’s North Carolina stupid.

    • nightmoth

      North Carolina libel!—uh, never mind.

  • YayConspiracy

    A science teacher… You know what causes, well not cancer, but a serious face palm induced nose bleed?

    • Wee Mousie

      If you lie in the shade of a solar panel for an hour every day, not only will the solar panel not GIVE you cancer, it will go a long way toward PREVENTING you from developing skin cancer.

  • greyXstar

    Very comforting to know that a bunch of children learned science from someone who doesn’t know how the sun works.

    “Is our children learning?”

  • azeyote

    and they don’t want to return to the Dark Age?

  • WhyFelicia

    HAVE TO BE TROLLS. HAVE TO BE.

  • LarkintheAM

    I kept hoping when I heard about this that someone had taken an Onion article and slipped it into the MSM and was now laughing hysterically at people believing it was real. The fact that hope was in vain made me wish I could whip out my communicator, flip it open and tell Scotty, “No intelligent life on THIS gods-forsaken planet. Beam me outta here, now“.

    • SDGeoff

      It’s what makes America so damn cute and exceptional.

  • Iam Reading

    The south. Can we pretty fucking please let them secede now? We can’t afford to keep propping their dumbasses up with our tax dollars.

    • blaid droog

      When I first learned about the war of northern agression in grade school, I was certain Lincoln made a grave error in judgement.I do believe the slaves would have risen to the challenge of disposing of whitey if the union soldiers had simply brought guns and ammunition and passed them out on the plantations.

  • Usedtobeyellerdawg

    Wow. Just dumbfounded.

  • Jerry Noneofyourbizz

    While they were at it, the should have banned dihydrogen monoxide. Thousands of people drown in that stuff every year!

    • handyhippie65

      that is a problem with using sea water to make hydrogen for fuel. how long does it take for a random oxygen molecule to combine with a couple of hydrogen molecules?

    • Hemidemisemiquaver
  • SDGeoff

    Thank you, snipy. As usual, a great read! If only the content didn’t make my teeth itch.

  • blaid droog

    With any kind of luck this town will die out because the inhabitants are too stupid to procreate. Or they will continue to procreate twixt brother and sister or sons and daughters with mom and pop. The end result will still end up the same. I can’t stop myself. My favorite outcome is, the progeny will become carnival freaks and they will depopulate the city when one by one they leave with every passing carnival in need of new freaks.I so love the sound of banjo music as the carnivals leave town in the middle of the night.

    • Takoma DC

      Or the angry sun god will smite them! Smite them with warm sweet hot golden honey evil sunshine!

    • Takoma DC

      Don’t fergit the harmonica and mouth harp.

  • Capt.Jim

    Poor dumb fucks I’ll bet a thousand dollars you can convince them to ban big women from the beach if you tell them the skinny women will never get a tan cause the big woman is sucking up the sun

  • Thaumaturgist

    Wait. Did they call a moratorium on cow farms or chicken farms or pig farms? Are they worried about runoff from the solar farm polluting the crick? Seems to me the whole deal smells.

  • alnnc

    Just in case you think it’s a local phenomenon, the NC General Assembly refused to extend the tax credits for solar and wind energy this year while continuing a multi million dollar no bid contract to place 36 relatively small solar powered fans to stir up water in a 13,000 acre lake that is polluted by upstream runoff. This is a drinking water source for over 300,000 people. Of course, these fans are expected (in someone’s dreams) to eliminate the need for environmental regulations controlling upstream run off. How it’s supposed to do this is a little more cloudy. Like the water it churns up.

  • handyhippie65

    and to think, this is from the country who first put a man on the moon, with the computing power of your average multi function wristwatch. these people would be lucky to put a man in a tree.

  • This… this is what they mean when they talk about our free dumbs, isn’t it? We don’t have freedoms, just a bunch of dumbs wandering around free.

  • Querolous

    If cancer causing products is a concern perhaps this might be of interest.

  • lovelydestruction

    Please tell me you are making up the part about her ever being a science teacher.

  • Lord-Nash

    At least they have clean windows in this town.

  • lovelydestruction

    Bwahahahaha! To be fair, the town’s powers-that-be are rightfully mortified by the international attention and are attempting damage control.
    Woodland Town Commissioner Cecil Harkey Jr. said he was afraid the comments of a few people would give those outside of the area an inaccurate view of his town.
    “I hope the people won’t judge the town by a few statements that were made,” he said. “I would imagine those folks are sorry they made those statements now.”
    Ha ha, I doubt it.

  • Sgt. Gym Bunny

    Being from NC, I had to click on the this story just to verify that my hometown wasn’t the topic du jour… Whew!!! That was close.

  • House0fTheBlueLights

    And when their town dries up and blows away, because of the utter lack of economic development in the declining fossil economy, they will see that as evidence that they were right. Because that is basic wingnut logic.

  • Kip TW

    I was laughing at the silly NC folk, but P.Z. Myers’ science blog, Pharyngula, ran this:
    http://freethoughtblogs.com/pharyngula/2015/12/14/but-waitsolar-energy-isnt-consequence-free/

    I reluctantly concluded that maybe they weren’t a bunch of clowns. At least on this issue. (Edited to add last sentence.)

    • boll ocks

      I actually want to believe the version where the people’s statements were misconstrued, because I don’t want to believe that any group of human beings is this stupid. But the original story is very light on detail, and I do have some suspicion it was written to deliberately portray a certain viewpoint. So in the end, I can’t judge either way based on this badly written news story. Go Journalism!

  • Not to worry. I’m sure the townspeople of Woodland can get plenty of light and heat from their weekly witch-burning.

  • Watcher

    This has been solidly refuted and should be the subject of a retraction by Wonkette. A reporter said, contrary to evidence, that these are quotes. This article also fails to place into context the relative prevalence of solar panels in NC.

    • Are you suggesting that North Carolina is in fact sucking up more than its share of the sun’s energy?

      Where’s General Sherman when we really need him?
      ~

      • Watcher

        Dead, I’ve been told.

  • Daru Titor

    It sounds like they’ve confused solar panel with sun blocker, which afaik no one has made irl. Not even Harry Shearer.

  • DensityDestiny

    Love my yr Wonkette, but gotta call you out for this one. The teacher and her husband were the only ones expressing this particular complaint and apparently had nothing to do with the council’s reasons for voting against the new solar panel field.

    http://www.techtimes.com/articles/117093/20151216/north-carolina-town-didn-t-ban-solar-panels-sucking-up.htm

    Still, a former elementary science teacher so poorly understanding the material she taught may be more common than we care to think in rural communities.

  • malsperanza

    Here is a further explanation of the situation in this town. It’s a sad story, time to turn off the snark.

    http://www.vox.com/2015/12/18/10519644/north-carolina-solar-town

  • VandeGraf

    Okay, so, the light is falling down and floating all around, sort of like rain, only lighter and floatier, and then some libertard progressively installs a demonical solar panel which acts like a drain and the next thing you know and the floaty light from the sun gets to circling the drain– which is, you remember, a solar panel– and then gets sucked down into same and prestoed into electricity. So what do we got? We got some electricity, but no light from the sun, and we have to buy batteries because we can’t see, and we have no photosynthesis, and worse, cannot take pictures with our phones unless we use a flash, and then there’s the end of “day games” and the coming of eternal night and we all know what that means: yup, vampires. Also because reduction ad absurditional de sciencia, there will not be enough electricity to go around, there will not be any readings of that book at the library, and while we won’t have to buy a second book, we might as well just burn it for light and Jim Patterson won’t mind because he doesn’t know it’s his. Scientifically, this light drainage through solar plexus is just plain weasel!

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