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Media orientation session at the Kochs' confab.

This weekend Charles and David Koch (family motto: We’ve got all the money so shut up) gathered 450 of their closest and wealthiest friends for their annual political confab and power orgy. The good news: For the first time, journalists were allowed to attend the event at the St. Regis Monarch Beach luxury resort in Dana Point, a wealthy California suburb. The bad news: The ink-stained wretches’ attendance was predicated on their agreeing to not actually tell the public the names of any of the donors they were wrestling for the last shrimp cocktail.

Now, unless you are either a total fucking idiot or Anthony Kennedy – but we repeat ourselves – you are aware that the unlimited amounts of money that the wealthiest of wealthy Americans can pour into every election to buy themselves political influence is a wee bit worrisome in a democracy where the vast majority of citizens can barely afford a Happy Meal. Hell, even the New York Times took a break from getting stories about Hillary Clinton galactically wrong to notice this problem the other day. So it might be nice if us regular citizens at least knew the names of the rich assholes who are buying the next presidential election right out from under us. It would be especially nice if we had journalists who would tell us those names, so we could then tell them to fuck off.

Alas, some of our more well-known journalistic organs didn’t see it that way, which is how the Washington Post, among others, wound up agreeing to send a reporter to not do some actual reporting. (We won’t even mention Politico, which sent Mike Allen to Win the Morning by moderating chats with the candidates.) But we did find out that Scott Walker still isn’t sure if President Obama is actually a Christian, so there is that.

Speaking of Politico, see if you can spot the contradiction in these two paragraphs from its report on a speech Charles Koch gave to kick off the festivities Friday night.

And he called on the assembled business leaders to reject “corporate welfare,” that he said is creating “a two-tier society” by “creating a permanent underclass, crippling our economy and corrupting the business community – present company excepted, of course.”

The network of political and public policy groups backed by the Kochs and their allied donors intends to spend $889 million in the run-up to the 2016 election boosting policies and candidates that adhere to principles like those Koch laid out Saturday.

Ha ha ha, Charles Koch is so concerned about our society’s permanent underclass that he’ll shell out $889 million over the next year to elect as president a member of a party that has spent 40 years enacting policies that have fucked that underclass 16 ways from Sunday. Blow us, Charles Koch.

The Kochs should have invited yr Wonkette to attend this lovefest. We can be bought off for the cost of a year of hosting our web server.

At least the journalists were allowed to admit which presidential candidates besides Scott Walker attended the confab to tell the assembled rich folks about all the tax cuts and other goodies their donations will buy. Jeb Bush was there. So was Marco Rubio, who you would think wouldn’t go anywhere near a state in the middle of a historic drought. Moose Jaw Ted Cruz also put in an appearance, along with Carly Fiorina, whose entire platform, as best we can tell, is “Vote for me, I’m a woman who is not Hillary Clinton.”

But GOP frontrunner Donald Trump – god it makes us giddy every time we write that – was not invited, leading him to post one of the greatest trolls ever on Twitter:

trump_koch

We hope Donald Trump never leaves this race. Hell, we hope he declares for 2020 before the 2016 election is over.

[Huffington Post]

 

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  • BeliTsari
    • Biel_ze_Bubba

      Sheesh. Nothing like announcing “I haven’t even got $150 for a new air conditioner” to seduce the ladies.

      • BeliTsari

        Can’t believe Larry David never developed a gay schlump, who’d guzzle Viagra, in vain hopes of scoring a beard with functioning AC… course, NYC’s kinda scary hot these last years for some strange reason, probably due to rampant godlessness of my neighbors?

  • calliecallie

    So who do you suppose was in attendance? It would be irresponsible not to speculate.

  • FauxAntocles

    Keep on trollin’ Mr. Trump
    Trollin’, trollin’, trollin’

    • Lord-Nash

      Keep that griftin’ rollin’…

      • Biel_ze_Bubba

        Don’t try to understand ’em
        Just troll and zing and slag ’em
        I’ll keep on living high and wide.
        My accountant’s calculatin’
        My grift will be there waitin’
        Be waiting at the end of my ride.

  • Walter Wellstone

    Is that Ted Cruz on the picture?

    • cousin itt

      AoT,K. Obv.

    • schmannity

      Not pasty enough.

      • SnarkTank

        That leaves Piyush out.

  • memzilla

    Every time I read about the Koch Bruddahs, I believe there should be some exceptions in Wonkette’s Commenting Rules For Radicals.

    • dslindc

      Indeed. I can only vote so hard.

  • cousin itt

    Hell, I can be bought for two hookers and an gram of blow. Or a Happy Meal.

    Wait That IS a Happy Meal.

    • Thatsitfor Theotherwon

      I’d like to think that maybe my vote is worth a little more than that. An all-nighter, perhaps?

    • La Cieca

      You really need to check out the McDonalds at 34th and 8th.

  • HobbesEvilTwin

    between the “journalists” and the “candidates” David and Charles must have extremely clean ball sacks this morning.

    • Antimassacree

      Toilet paper? We don’t need no stinking toilet paper? That’s why we buy candidates!

      –Dave and Chuck

  • Strepsi

    WOW, Republicans: you know yo’re crap when you’re so easily owned by the Donald. A+ trolling!

  • MsAnthropesMr

    Who is this Trump fellow? Seems like a real strong candidate. I like his chances.

    • Thatsitfor Theotherwon

      I’d also like to cut his jib.

      • alwayspunkindrublic

        He’s got a really tiny little jib.

      • JoeChristmas

        He’d like to cut Jeb.

        • onedollarjuana

          That’s spelled Jeb!, I believe.

    • elviouslyqueer

      His ideas are intriguing to me and I wish to subscribe to his newsletter, also too.

      • Calimaria

        My email server is not big enough for something that yoooge and classy and eye-searing.

    • Latverian Diplomat

      What does it say about the Republican field that Trump is the witty one?

  • schmannity

    Oligarch Orgy. Predators’ Ball..Mammon Meetup? There must be some cute Koch shorthand for their get together.

    • Thatsitfor Theotherwon

      Musical blowjobs?

    • Logic of Color
    • FauxAntocles

      Legion of Doom?

      • Tansy Geek

        Guild of Calamitous Intent.

    • FauxAntocles

      League of Injustice?

      • Biel_ze_Bubba

        League of Extraordinarily Rich Gentlemen.

    • Biel_ze_Bubba

      I think “business meeting” covers it.

  • Logic of Color

    Hillary’s invite must’ve been lost in the mail

  • deanbooth

    Spare change we can believe in!

  • schmannity

    Trump’s debate strategy should be to demand to know who holds the key to each opponent’s golden handcuffs.

  • alwayspunkindrublic

    I know the Kochs already own a lot of property, but it seems they’ve purchased the fourth estate as well.

    • Antimassacree

      These ‘reporters’ now join the GOP field (ex-The Donald) as The Help.

    • They don’t really have to spend any extra money to do it either. Just give them a room and access to the buffet and candidates and the press will agree to whatever restrictions you want.

      • Latverian Diplomat

        Hey, that’s a lot of shrimp over there. somebody has to eat it. It’s an important job.

  • AngryBlakGuy

    …were gimp suits provided or did the GOP presidential candidates have to bring their own?!

    • Antimassacree

      Although Trump was not there, I wonder if there were any Trump-plugs.

    • Msgr_Moment

      I imagine they’re always wearing them underneath their regular monkey suits.

      • Calimaria

        If I had to deal with a moran like Scott Walker all of the time, I would insist he wore the gimp mask either with a ball gag or zipped up to muffle his stupidity.

    • SnarkTank

      Nononono, I picture it much more like “Eyes Wide Shut”.

  • Calimaria

    I know that we aren’t allowed to wish death on anyone here but can we wish public shaming and some sort of medical incapacitation or prison time on these a-holes?

    • Antimassacree

      Toenail fungus? Herpes? Shingles? Not life threatening, just nasty.

      • Calimaria

        A nice urinary tract infection or kidney stone that would never go away.

      • Thatsitfor Theotherwon

        There is a vaccine for shingles now. Which guarantees that soon it will be a “wingnuts only” affliction.

        • alwayspunkindrublic

          I’ve heard the vaccine makes you autistic and gay.

          • Thatsitfor Theotherwon

            Luckily, they won’t give it to you until you are 60. Get all your pussy and your rational thinking done by then.

          • alwayspunkindrublic

            I guess I’m about ready for it then.

          • Thatsitfor Theotherwon

            Got mine this year. The shot, not the nookie or thinking.

          • Vienna Woods

            Really? I got mine at 52.

          • Thatsitfor Theotherwon

            That’s our exceptional medical care at work…

            You are in Canada, no?

          • Vienna Woods

            Yes. Of course, my teacher medical plan paid the $200 bucks for the prescription- oh wait, I paid $2 myself.

        • Logic of Color

          I wish. It’s my liberal Friendface people that seem to be on the anti-vax kick

      • elviouslyqueer

        Anything involving the words “burning sensation.”

    • Logic of Color

      Chapped lips?

      • smr06va

        Which lips?………….

        • Logic of Color

          You are a sick fuck. I like it.

    • janecita

      What about huge clusters of genital warts? As big as cauliflowers!

    • jmk

      A constant itch between the shoulder blades?

    • Whale Chowder

      In honor of Editrix, I’m voting (!) for hemmorhoids the size of the faces on Mt. Rushmore.

      • Querolous

        …the size of Mt. Rushmore.

  • There really isn’t any difference between this ‘fundraiser’ and a secret meeting in which Candidate X walks out of an alley with a bag with a dollar sign painted on it in exchange for promising to vote his benefactor’s way.

    You’d think the press would be interested in telling us about the benefactors that are bribing our presidential aspirants.

    • Calimaria

      I’m hoping someone gets a 47% moment with a secret taping and leaks the names.

  • Fartknocker

    Just looking at the internet for a minute and wondering what $880 million would do for society, I found out that if one took those same dollars and used it to house, feed and provide health care to a homeless person in Denver, it could take care of 46,315 people. Now I know costs will vary by city and other factors, but 46,000 people is a fucking large suburb. Trickle down economics my ass, it’s piss on the ground and see who lick the pavement the most to get any support when something goes bad and your already at risk.

    • willi0000000

      economy of scale would probably push your count over 60,000.

      [ there’s gotta be a way to steal divert that money ]

  • Thomas Mc

    Government by conspiracy.

  • exinkwretch

    I hope the shrimp cocktail was spoiled and these greedy fucks all got the screaming shits.

  • Calimaria

    One nice thing about the press really only trying to create a narrative and sell stories, is that they will hopefully keep Trump in this for long as possible. And hopefully Trump will destroy whatever puppet they put forth.

  • alwayspunkindrublic

    Righties are adept at giving names to lobbying and special interest groups that make them sound benignly populist and progressive. I heard some dipshit prattling on about how he liked Citizens United because it encouraged the “average person” to become vested in the political process.

    • Thatsitfor Theotherwon

      Oh brother.

    • Relativicus

      Up-voting that feels a little like “liking” somebody’s Facees posting announcing the death of a grandparent.

      • Tansy Geek

        I keep reading that as Faeces.

    • Tansy Geek

      How did this dipshit reason the “average person” was going to manage this “investment”? Unless he meant stocking up on torches and pitchforks?

      • alwayspunkindrublic

        It’s wingnut logic, amigo.

      • Biel_ze_Bubba

        What else could “Citizens United” possibly mean?

        **Puts on special sunglasses, reads again: “Richest Fucking 0.01% of Citizens United in Desire for More”**

        **Goes in search of shotgun and bubblegum, finds one of the two.**

        Dana Point, you say?

        • jmk

          On Saturday, in an often painful conversation with my nutbag teavangelical mother, I mentioned Citizens United, to which she replied that she’d “heard they’re an organization to stay away from” but she’s not sure why.

          The whole time I was explaining what Citizens United actually is, I kept thinking that she has Fox Nooz shouting from her teevee approximately 15 hours a day…how does she not know this?

          I mean, it’s one thing when you hear that Fox Nooz viewers know less than people who consume no media at all… but it’s quite another thing entirely to see that in action in the person who taught you how to cross the street safely.

          • alwayspunkindrublic

            Remarkable that you survived to adulthood. Did she get that shoe-tying thing right, or do you still struggle?

          • jmk

            She nailed that one, also too… for all five of us. When we wear slip-on shoes, it’s because we want to.

          • alwayspunkindrublic

            Glad you learned the importance of making appropriate choices for yourselves.

          • Tansy Geek

            It’s sad to watch. my mother has taken to expressing concern that Obama or someone is going to take away my family’s guns. Which is really disconcerting because she is aware that no one in my family should have access to firearms.

          • Biel_ze_Bubba

            She has Fox Nooz shouting from her teevee approximately 15 hours a day? That’s precisely how she does not know this. Try to get some NPR into her life.

          • jmk

            Unfortunately, she’s been inoculated against any such suggestion, particularly from one of her four left-wing kids, and she is so far in the wingnut camp that even her conservative evangelical kid is embarrassed by her because she’s bonkers.

            She’s convinced that Fox is “fair and balanced” and treats any suggestion that she needs another news source with derision as a desperate attempt to impose “mainstream media liberal propaganda” on her because we know that we can’t drag the shining knights of journalistic integrity at Fox into our evil, liberal schemes. My brother and sister and I really think it’s now a physical thing – she’s addicted to the adrenaline rush that Fox’s fear-and-hate-mongering cause.

          • Zyxomma

            You have my sympathy. The worst in our family (what’s left of it, anyway) is a right-to-work younger sister, who knows way more about sportsball than anything political.

          • Biel_ze_Bubba

            Probaby a correct diagnosis – Faux addicts go into withdrawal in the absence of blonde newsbimbos harping on Obama, or a Faux News blowhard yelling about the gheys or the blahs or the muslins or the athesist libruls.

          • alwayspunkindrublic

            I am quite fortunate in that my own 91 year old mother can-both verbally and physically-kick the ass of any Republican alive.

          • jmk

            You are fortunate indeed!

            My dad’s reliable liberalism acts as a bit of a counterweight to my mom (which is why they’re not married anymore). He got all re-radicalized by the healthcare debate, and he’s now one step away from organizing his own chapter of the Grey Panthers.

  • Msgr_Moment

    It would be especially nice if we had journalists who would tell us those names, so we could then tell them to fuck off.

    I wouldn’t call any of these guys journalists. Hey, does that mean that they’re allowed to spill the beans?

    BTW, whom did Wonkette send?

    • Vienna Woods

      NOT,K.

  • Relativicus

    Donald “Donald” Trump (TRUMP!!!!!!) didn’t want to go to your stupid gay party for jerks with butts for faces and who fart out of the eyeballs in their butt faces all the time and the baby looked at me.

  • nightmoth

    As a former reporter, I don’t get this. Presumably, the journalists had to sign a paper agreeing to these ground rules, or else—what? They won’t be invited back? Their twitter accounts will be trolled? Koch assassins will stalk them?
    Why don’t these wimps just say “fuck you,” eat the shrimp, drink the wine, and publish every damned donor name, huh?

    • Thatsitfor Theotherwon

      Why? Fourth word of your last sentence sums it up nicely.

      • beatbort

        Matt Taibbi was obviously not invited. He would not only publish all the names, he would probably steal all the shrimp.

    • FauxAntocles

      Their bosses are in attendance?

      • nightmoth

        You’re probably on to something. Their actual bosses weren’t there, but advertising is the lifeblood for media, so it would be instructive to know how many ads are controlled by the Kochs for the Washington Post and Politico, 2 of the 9 news organizations invited.

        Also, one of the links provided by Wonkette gave me this fine infographic from the NYT, which did not send a reporter.

        http://www.nytimes.com/interactive/2016/us/elections/top-presidential-donors-campaign-money.html

        • Jeff Bezos bought the WaPo with the spare change and lint in his pocket.

          He’s interested in policies that help billionaires like Jeff Bezos, whether the WaPo makes a dime or not.
          ~

        • Tansy Geek

          The NYT did not send a reporter as there was no guarantee that they would get anything they could use to slime HRC and Krugman would quit and take the majority of their remaining subscribers with him.

        • Biel_ze_Bubba

          Robert Mercer, Co-chief executive of Renaissance Technologies, a hedge-fund management company.
          $11.3 million, 98% of it for Ted Cruz.

          Guess who’s NOT going to be raising the 25% tax rate on billionaire hedge fund managers? (Because he’s “opposed to raising the taxes of hardworking Americans, blah blah bullshit,” and his dumbass teabagger base will love him for it.)

          Go down the list, and see where the tax-cut fuckery and climate denialism are being bought and paid for.

          • nightmoth

            OK, here’s something else I don’t get, Biel-ze—Jeb Bush and Hillary Clinton each have several $1 million contributions listed, but the really huge donations are going to candidates like Cruz and Perry, whom most sensible people think have a snowball’s chance in your headquarters of winning the nomination. Why are supposedly intelligent billionaires wasting big money on keeping the goofiest clowns in the Klown Kar? I can’t think of a good reason, but then I also lack the money-making gene: maybe the two are connected.

          • Biel_ze_Bubba

            They must think it’s useful to own these dumbfucks, even if they’re not president. Especially a dumbfuck like Cruz, who happily throws bombs at any target you set up for him, without a thought to the consequences. Pay him enough, and he’ll shut down the government over an accounting change at the SEC.

    • alwayspunkindrublic

      I have mixed feelings about Hunter S. Thompson, but the thing that made his political reporting so incisive is that he saw it as a one-time deal; he didn’t give a rat’s ass about sucking up to these creeps in return for a pat on the head and future access.

      • Thatsitfor Theotherwon

        Fear and Loathing on the Campaign Trail was magnificent. And I will never forget Steadman’s drawing of Wallace racing to some meeting in his wheelchair.

        • alwayspunkindrublic

          Somebody-maybe McGovern’s campaign manager-described that book as “the most accurate and least factual” account of that presidential campaign.

    • Lord-Nash

      If the Kochs are rich enough to buy the campaign, then they’re rich enough to ruin the life of a measly doe-eyed journalist.

    • Biel_ze_Bubba

      Why even show up? Looks like the NYT asked that question. (No doubt, Faux News and Murdoch’s rags were there in force to take dictation.)

    • Villago Delenda Est

      Villagers give sex workers a bad name.

  • smr06va

    I heard Cruz’s dad also attended and was in charge of a seance to contact Ronnie Reagan for advice on getting a Republicant elected in 2016…………………apparently the only response Cruz got was a voice crying for “Mommie…….Mommie…”

  • Ryan Denniston

    I needed some trolling on Sunday, so I watched Meet the Press with Chuck Toad. I got to see Donald (I am Donald Trump!) Trump. And, Ben Carson! Epic!

    • Logic of Color

      Did they end up making out?

      • Ryan Denniston

        No but they probably would agree with each other that BlackLivesMatter is silly.

  • Thatsitfor Theotherwon

    You know, if the wingnuts got terminal smegma or something and they all died, it would probably be good for the planet. But I sure would miss fucking with them.

  • Tansy Geek

    It’s good to see you again Gary. Is there a Noonan column in our future, also,too?

  • alnnc

    Where’s the paparazzi when you need them?

    • mateo

      seriously, it could be their moment to shine.

      • Biel_ze_Bubba

        They could turn the front doors of the resort into a virtual perp walk.

  • willi0000000

    who cares who the ‘journalists’ were who were invited . . . i want somebody to find one of the catering staff with a cellphone and ready to retire.

    [ barring that, i’m sure a GoFundMe would set them for life if they got flack for spilling the names ]

  • Biel_ze_Bubba

    Heh – these fools just handed Trump another box of grenades. I’d stay out of the first 5 rows at the GOP debatcle.

  • beatbort

    If Donald Trump is the Sid Vicious of the Republican Party, who is his Nancy Spungen?

    • alwayspunkindrublic

      Ann Coulter?

    • Gorillionaire

      Miss Lindsay Graham.

  • John Smith

    Remember when journalists used to protect the whistle-blower and informants, not the criminals.

  • Paperless Tiger

    Journalists embedded with the Oligarchy. Is this war?

  • Call me a cynic, but if one was concerned about the “Morlockization” of the US then one might use their wealth to establish organizations and funds for, say, promoting new small businesses or helping the self-employed with health care expenses, not UNDERMINING THE ENTIRE DEMOCRATIC PROCESS.

    • Biel_ze_Bubba

      The Kochs are the Morlocks.

      • Well, it does seem like the next logical step is that they literally devour us.

  • Villago Delenda Est

    Wow. It seems that the Donald, beloved of the teatards, has made a gaffe. As you know, a “gaffe” is when a candidate blurts out the truth and upsets the narrative of the scum of the Village, which is why they have so many problems with handsome Joe.

  • Callyson

    Concerned about corporate welfare, are we? Kochs should start by cutting off their own:

    Koch Brothers Should Return $157 Million in Government Subsidies

  • say wha

    If the Cock Brothers were REALLY concerned about not having the identities of their party guests revealed, they should have required that all their guests wear a white hood and robe with a secret insignia on the front. No one has ever tried that before.

  • AnOuthouse

    Are they barred from speaking the names in pig latin? olitico-pay ucks-say ock-Kay?

  • Dave

    “GOP frontrunner Donald Trump” Is it weird that I just spent an entire morning writing that in my notebook surrounded by hearts and smiley faces. It make me feel tingly all over!

  • TheBidenator

    I’m sure the dress code for a Koch event (heh) is for every attendee to wear a black robe with a hood covering their face sort of like when wingnut actors gather together. My question is, if they’re so proud of being right wing dildo farmers why do they insist on anonymity?

  • Redgyal

    Wheeeeeeeeeeee!

  • whitroth

    Well, Wonkette, Koch *did* say, “corrupting the business community – present company excepted, of course” – so are they already corrupt, or that they should receive the corrupting welfare? As oil industry magnets (money sticks to them), they *are* the recipients of that welfare….

    But here’s a larger question: how the *fsck* can these sitting Senators and Congresscritters attend this? I work for a federal contractor, and I can’t invite my boss, a federal employee, and his wife over for a sit-down dinner that might be worth more than $20….. Are they *all* guilty of violating anti-corruption laws?

    mark

    • MrCanoehead

      Yes. So?

  • Rick Hill

    Donald Trump….Democratic plant or doing it for the lulz. We present, you decide.

  • Raylusk

    It’s too bad a news organization didn’t put a camera person outside and photograph everyone going in and out. Then do the heavy research on the faces photographed to determine who attended and publish a list of their names. That would be real reporting not the bull done by those news organizations that allowed freedom of the press to be suppressed.

    • SnarkOff

      You’re SO hired at my theoretical scrappy little tabloid.

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