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Not so sure about Hay-soos, though

Nobody is paying any attention to Rick Santorum, who is also a Republican presidential candidate, you know. Sure, an unpopular second-tier one, but still! He is running for president again, look at him, look at him, LOOK AT HIM NOW! So, having conclusively proven in his failed 2012 run that college education is only for snobs and elitists, Rick Santorum (holder of a bachelor’s degree, MBA, and a J.D.) is turning his sights to the abysmal state of elementary schools, which he thinks only teach about gay families because The Creeping Gay has completely taken over Gaymerica. Take note, media, Santorum is speaking!

In an interview with Boston Herald Live Tuesday, the Frothy One complained that there’s never a mention of straight people in schoolbooks anymore. It’s all part of his evolving campaign strategy to say the stupidest shit possible in hopes that someone will notice him, like when he explained that the job of a president is to encourage people to get married and have babies for prosperity, instead of wasting time on trivia like global warming.

“I know in the schools in Massachusetts, in the grade school, they teach — there are books in place that say ‘Suzy has two moms,’ it’s okay to put a book that says ‘Suzy has two moms’ but you can’t put a book in there saying that moms and dads and marriage is important and tell people how important it is to be married before you have children, then you’re moralizing,” Santorum said. “It’s okay to say, ‘Suzy has two moms’ or ‘Johnny has two dads,” but you can’t say that marriage is an important part of having a stable and healthy economy.”

For one thing, it’s Heather, not Suzy. For another, we’re not entirely sure who’s briefing Santorum about Massachusetts education policy, but we’ll go way out on a limb and suggest that maybe schools still allow the occasional mention of straight people, at least on Straight People Holidays. And also, we really do want to reassure him that the Berenstain Bears books are not about that kind of bears.

Also, too, at Think Progress inconveniently reminds us, not every school district is overflowing with storybooks celebrating gay couples; they remind us that teacher Omar Curry was forced out of a teaching job — in North Carolina, not Massachusetts — after flagrantly reading his third-graders a sweet little story about two princes who live happily ever after. Maybe that’s the kind of traditional values Santorum is into.

But it’s not just a matter of the schools only presenting all those gay books that has Santorum in a lather — he explains that to really fix the schools, we need to make sure that everyone is straight and married:

You really need, if you’re going to improve the schools, talk to any teacher or any administrator and they’ll say if that child comes from a stable family that emphasizes education, that the chances of them being successful is much higher than if the opposite is true. Kids from other families can do well and many are heroic and do great but the failure rate is much higher so yes emphasizing the importance of family will be an important part of this …

And lord knows, the gay families are all unstable, because they just are, and they’re so busy doing homosex all the time that they’re frankly incapable of emphasizing the importance of a good education. Again, Think Progress rains on the Santorum parade (for godssakes bring your umbrella) by noting that the research suggests what really contributes to good educational outcomes is the parents’ economic status, the “quality of relationships among adults in the child’s life,” and the strength of the relationships between the adult(s) and the child. Oh, but there’s more:

A complementary brief by the American Sociological Association presented research on same-sex parents that showed that for academic performance and cognitive development, children with same-sex parents have similar educational outcomes to children with different-sex parents, if not better.

No, correlation is not causation. This may have more to do with gay parents — or out ones who make their way into sociological studies, anyway — being a bit more economically secure, would be our educated guess. Which is a pretty evil guess, since education just makes you an unethical atheist anyway.

Update/addendum: Just how desperate is Rick Santorum? Desperate enough to be interviewed within the very Mount Doom of Liberalism, MSNBC’s studios, on the Rachel Maddow Show tonight — that’s Wednesday — at 9:00 Eastern (No, Rachel, we’re not calling you Sauron). We’ll have a postmortem in the morning!

[RightWingWatch via Think Progress]

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  • cousin itt

    his evolving campaign strategy

    • Wee Mousie

      Not only that, but the tree which bashed his brains out was a balsa tree.

    • Msgr_Moment

      Wow! That beaver got POUNDED.

    • Vecciojohn

      Is there a Darwin Award for beavers?

    • willi0000000

      the birch society claims another victim!

    • Amy!

      Dam!

  • Nounverb911

    “the Frothy One complained that there’s never a mention of straight people in schoolbooks anymore”
    Aren’t there several textbooks documenting The Donald’s many bankruptcies in B-School books now?

  • Vecciojohn

    Now the gays are recruiting bears?!! It’s worse than we thought, Ricky.

  • Steven M. Harries

    I thought Santorum loved him some asshole . . .

    • riledupone

      That would be Mrs. Frothy, not Little Ricky.

  • Vecciojohn

    Sorry to break in you, Skippy, but Suzy and Heather met in grad school and Heather’s two mommies are now grand mommies three times over.

  • Oblios_Cap

    Rick who?

  • My experience, admittedly quite limited, was that gay couples have to be really motivated to adopt and were therefore very involved parents.

    • Vecciojohn

      Well duh, haven’t you read section 12-4(b)(iii) of the Gay Agenda?

  • Msgr_Moment

    …if that child comes from a stable family that emphasizes education,…

    Jerry’s folks split 16 days after he was born, Jimmy’s dad was a racist, Reagan’s dad was a drunk, George’s daddy’s bank was seized for trading with the Nazis, Bill had to physically stop his step-dad from beating up his mom, Obama’s dad, well, we know all about that dysfunctional situation.

    So the only recent President with a stable childhood family was also the worstest President of recent memory. Huh. Maybe that’s why you’ll never achieve anything of worth, Mr. Frothee.

    • Bill Slider

      Even the British royal family has had parent issues.Entire books have been written about them, and college courses focused on them, as wars were waged over them.

      • Nounverb911

        ..

        • jmk

          To be fair, my (American-born) mom remembers saluting the flag with a similar gesture before we got into WWII.

          • mtn_philosoph

            Prior to its adoption by Herr MasterRace it was known as the Roman Salute.

  • Bill Slider

    I see a new word ahead: Santorium. It’s what Rick Santorum has, whatever it is. People who have it should be placed in a Santorium. We need to check and see if it is covered by Obamacare, as it appears to have affected significant segments of the population.

    • Biel_ze_Bubba

      We need to check and see if it is covered by Obamacare an impenetrable dome.

      FIFY

  • Maybe Ricky is being nice to Trump in hopes of being his Vice President. Although someone should explain to Ricky that Vice Presidents don’t spend all their time pursuing (or perusing) vice.

    • lucidamente

      I thought Ted Cruz had that role sewn up.

    • Vecciojohn

      Maybe they can create a new Cabinet post for him. Secretary of Smut?

  • Callyson
    • Vecciojohn

      Wait til he hears about Vatican II.

  • Lazy Media

    Whoof. I have a lesbionic family in my Facebook feed, and they are getting married because it’s legal now, and their daughter is perfect, and they raise chickens and alpacas and JESUS FUCK, gay women, could you stop setting unrealistic expectations for the rest of us? You are like the Barbie dolls of nice time families.

    • marxalot

      This is why I’m never getting married: I just can’t deal with the Poster Child pressure.

      • Lazy Media

        Getting married totally rules. I married another Peter Pan syndromist; we have cats rather than children, and it’s FINE.

        • marxalot

          I have a dog by a previous (old school) gay marriage. I really think once was enough for me.

        • Biel_ze_Bubba

          And I bet they never finish high school. Rick was right!

    • Vecciojohn

      Really. Even in my prime I was never half the man the average lesbian is.

      • OneYieldRegular

        I have two “honorary lesbian” certificates from back in my 20’s, one from some wonderful clients of Executive Suite in Long Beach, CA, and another from a Navy lesbian dive bar down under a freeway in San Diego, yet I will never be able to live up to the honor.

    • jmk

      Seriously… my sister refinishes furniture with her power tools, and her wife paints and designs and decorates like a pro and cooks like a dream.

      They are so alarmingly wholesome it makes you sick.

  • Metadude

    And also, we really do want to reassure him that the Berenstain Bears books are not about that kind of bears.
    No, but I always got a Duggarish vibe from them.

    • darnyoudarnyoutoheck

      Whearas Little Bear’s family (while firmly situated in the past) is just nice. I ❤ Little Bear.

      • Biel_ze_Bubba

        Little Bear’s right hand is where, exactly?

        • darnyoudarnyoutoheck

          Behind Emily’s knee outside of her skirt. Hmph!?

    • Vienna Woods

      I hated the Berenstain Bears. I thought that the gender roles were really rigid- mom in her dress and stupid cap doing mom-ish things. I got away with only having a couple in the house, and they weren’t my boys’ favorites. Now, Martin Waddell’s Little Bear, THAT we all liked, and read a lot more of! https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=SPoV90EFnPQ

  • Callyson

    Also, too, as long as we’re talking about the Frothy Mix:

    • Amy!

      Huh. Shows my lack of imagination, I guess. I thought that there was only one position for anal sex.

      • Biel_ze_Bubba

        Rick has only one, as befits a boring man.

        (Consider softball lobbed.)

      • mtn_philosoph

        As I understand it, there is a flavor for everyone. There is top and bottom. Also up, down, strange and charm. But everyone ends up being either up or down after particle decay.

  • Jen_Baker_VA

    This guy was on the PBS last night yammering about how the 22% of children living in poverty are all in broken homes and that is why they is so poorz.
    Not that the homes might be broken because they are poor to begin with, but that danged lack of father makes kids all poor and crimey and fuck him with a rabid badger anyway.

    • Vecciojohn

      Danged that old dad and that danged old judge and that danged old felony conviction for beating up mom. Thanks Obama!

      • jmk

        I’m sure in Rih’s view, mom should have known her place and taken her beating…it’s just another gift from gawd, right?

    • Amy!

      Isn’t he supposed to be on Maddow today? I thought that was odd, when I ran across the announcement the other day.

      • JohnR

        Really? Rach gonna rip him a new vag, probably not she’s too nice.

        • ohpaleasegivemeabreak

          She’ll be real nice while she’s ripping him that new one.

      • ohpaleasegivemeabreak

        He is. This calls for perfect popcorn – fresh and hot with just the right amount of melted, real butter.

        I don’t often butter it – but Rachel V. Frothy calls for butter.

  • Good_Gawd_Yall

    Rick Santorum: World’s Most Boring Man or World’s Most Terrifying Man? Discuss.

    • Mehmeisterjr

      World’s Most Boring Terrifying Man.

      • Vecciojohn

        The world’s most terrifying bore.

        • vivian

          The Mans Best Mortifying Wart Terrior?

          • OneYieldRegular

            Zzzzzzzz…

  • Esteban Rey

    Dok is burying the lede here, and little Ricky doodie-poo has totally missed the boat if he wants to say the crazy thing to get attention. I can say something crazy and then I can place a question mark after it.
    What if the REAL!!1!1 conspiracy hiding here in plain sight is the plot to turn the kiddies gay so as to improve standardized test scores? No more common core!

    • Barley_Brains

      I suddenly feel dizzy.

  • exinkwretch

    Ricky needs to set aside this family stuff for a bit and remember that the new commie pope will be in town soon as he needs to rally the realz Catholics against him.

    • Mickey Bitsko

      That should be interesting. How do you say shitstorm in Italian?

      • Querolous

        tempesta di merda

        • Celtic_Gnome

          Such a musical language.

  • Mehmeisterjr

    You really need, if you’re going to improve the schools, talk to any teacher or any administrator and they’ll say if that child comes from a stable family that emphasizes education, that the chances of them being successful is much higher than if the opposite is true.

    Add a couple of “you betchas” and that passage would be of full-Palin quality.

    • jmk

      OK…so what Ricky’s saying is that if a family emphasizes educational success, they’ll emphasize educational success?

      Or am I reading that wrong?

  • AngryBlakGuy

    …errrrr, just in case Santorum hasn’t noticed straight families make some PRETTY FUCKED UP children too.

    • arglebargle

      C’mon, one bad apple outta nineteen youngin’s. Thems pretty good odds.

      • Beaumarchais?

        …that we know of.

    • Biel_ze_Bubba
      • Celtic_Gnome

        I don’t know which one scares me more, the girl in front trying to break her fingers to distract from listening to Daddy’s speech or the boy behind who looks like he just saw Satan walk into the room, pitchfork and all.

        • Biel_ze_Bubba

          You know when you should really get scared? When daddy teaches him to shoot.

        • darnyoudarnyoutoheck

          The only sign of normality is the teen in the back with the “please, god, make it stop” face.

      • starfanglednut

        The matching dress on the doll slays me every time.

      • Jukesgrrl

        I never get tired of that photo. Thanks for posting it. The wife looks like she’s thinking, “Oh, shit, now he’s going to be home all the time.”

      • Biff52

        Case in point. At least I assume he has hetero parents?

  • BillWestern

    The real teavangelicls have zero interest in Santorum, nor in Huckybee. They are all in for Cruz, Jindal, maybe Walker. Don’t waste any time on Santorum or Hucky, focus on the real apples of the RWer’s eyes.

  • Mickey Bitsko

    I blame Governor Romney.

    • Nounverb911

      For begatting Mitt?

      • Mickey Bitsko

        I meant Massachusetts governor Romney.

        Btw, Is begat Mormon slang for masturbation? Inquiring Masshole minds need to know.

        • Biel_ze_Bubba

          Fellow Masshole requests clarification – which question are you asking:

          1. Is “begat” Mormon slang for masturbation?
          2. Is “begat Mormon” slang for masturbation?

          • OH MAN I watched a Cinemax film last night and I tell ya I was begatting Mormon after Mormon.

          • starfanglednut

            aotk, of course. Masshole here too.

    • VandeGraf

      Well, the elder Romnoid was borned in Messico, so okay, there’s that. George’s folks runned from Messican conflict to earn big American bucks and to bear a male grand child who would Mormonize the shit out of Paris. George has a lot to answer for. Running from the politics of his nativity (though childish), fucking up the gubmint, begatting Mittens. Practically everything but a coupla dozen wives, which GR did not do, allegedly, according to contemporary Mormon dictates from modern Mormon dictators in Salt Lake City.

  • proudgrampa

    “we’re not entirely sure who’s briefing Santorum…” I think he’s just making shit up.

    • Nounverb911

      Doe Rick’s mother still dress him daily?

      • jmk

        She knits a competent sweater-vest, I’ll give her that. They’re not tasteful, but they seem well-made.

  • Lot_49

    Ol’ Frothy’s gonna be on Rachel tonite. Some fun, henghngh? She kinda admires his ability to engage an audience, give a speech. I do too. She (probably) thinks he’s crazy as a loon; ditto.

    • ohpaleasegivemeabreak

      mark out thinks, replace with knows.

      fify

  • proudgrampa

    Tee hee. You put “Santorum” and “lather” in the same sentence.

  • VandeGraf

    One important distinction that the highly educated Sanctorum fails to note is that nowhere– nowhere– is a school or library shelving a book that says “Susie must have two moms.” Moral and ethical dictator Sanctorum seems to feel that power only belongs to HIS people and everyone else had better toe the mark! “Susie MUST have ONLY one mom and one dad.”.

    • Biel_ze_Bubba

      One important distinction that the highly educated Sanctorum fails chooses not to note…

      FIFY

  • Ilgattomorte

    Santorum was my senator for 12 long years. I had occasion to meet him a few times through a client of mine, who I suspect was buying … uhm, I mean donating to him. The frightening thing about Rick is, that’s really him. Unlike so many politicians, he’s not just playing to the moron base. He actually believes the crap coming out of his mouth (insert frothy mix joke here).

    It’s kind of amazing that a guy with a significant amount of education, can be so dangerously childlike in his worldview, but It’s the religion. It’s like a sponge sucking up reason and intelligence and leaving nothing but mysticism behind. Catholicism, specifically is the quicker picker upper, so in Ricks case there’s not much reason left at all. That’s why, I believe, he lost his Senate seat so dramatically, to a nebbish like Bob Casey. Casey is the closet human equivalent to a used wet-nap and he kicked Rick’s butt. If Santorum truly believes he can be President, it must be through blind faith alone.

    • Suse

      Say, you know who else was dangerously childlike in his world view?

      • Ilgattomorte

        Actually, the resemblance is uncanny.

        • Celtic_Gnome

          Down to not keeping his hands out of his pants. Too soon?

      • Biel_ze_Bubba

        Rick Scott, as we’ve recently learned.

    • ohpaleasegivemeabreak

      Did you ever read what he wife told her ex – the late-term-abortionist who had been pals with her parent – said about Rick?

      And – BTW – she had an abortion to save HER life but she wants all other women to die in the same situation she was in because SHE and RICK are PRO-FORCED BIRTH while pretending to be Pro-life.

      Here’s the lie she reportedly told her late-term-abortionist BF:

      ‘When she moved out to go be with Rick, she told me I’d like him, that he was pro-choice and a humanist.

      Read more: http://www.dailymail.co.uk/news/article-2087812/Rick-Santorums-wife-Karen-love-affair-abortion-doctor.html#ixzz3gfDzf7mg
      Follow us: @MailOnline on Twitter | DailyMail on Facebook

    • Barley_Brains

      I suppose it is much easier to go nonlinearly irrational when you have been conditioned your whole life to think that way by your community. When you are a child and all the adults around you appear to believe in magic, believing in magic is just something you do. What I don’t understand is why it persists into adulthood.

      • Jukesgrrl

        I was raised in a Catholic family (my father, an Irish Catholic, was especially religious) and almost everyone in my blue collar Pennsylvania neighborhood was Catholic. I was done with it by the time I was 18. I don’t know what Rick’s problem is. I guess as a man he’s getting something out of a patriarchy. I know I didn’t feel particularly welcome by the faith.

        • Barley_Brains

          I really am surprised that all women don’t see how they are marginalized in their (Abrahamic) religion. Of course there is a continuum from fundamentalists to Unitarians, but there are hundreds of millions of women treated very badly and that treatment is justified by their religion for which they would fight and die.

      • Biff52

        Not only persists into adulthood, but a large percentage of adherents come to jeebus late in life.

  • BearGHAZI

    I tried to listen to the audio but something is wrong? It’s just a long, wet, and electorally meaningless fart noise

    • Celtic_Gnome

      You got to listen to it in HD? Color me envious.

  • Bitter Scribe

    The Boston Herald? That thing still exists?

    • Biel_ze_Bubba

      I was about to bet it’s a Murdoch rag, given that they gave Santorum a soapbox, but this going onto Maddow’s show thing makes that less than a sure thing. I really wonder wtf he thinks he’s doing … maybe he expects to be a hero to his homophobe base by going mano-a-mano with a prominent sinner/pervert, but he’s going unarmed into a battle of wits.

  • Antimassacree

    Normally not a fan of vivisection, but plan to watch Rachel interview Frothy.

    • ohpaleasegivemeabreak

      Really – Frothy really has a death wish, doesn’t he?

    • Biel_ze_Bubba

      Give him enough blades and he’ll cut his own liver out.

      Hmmm… I guess this works out better with the original “enough rope” metaphor.

  • YayConspiracy

    Rick, just tell me, why can’t you stop thinking and talking and, well, frankly, I’d say obsessing about gay people?

    • M H

      I’d wager for the same reason he can’t keep his hands out of his pants.

  • whatwhomever

    Has anyone mentioned yet what a colossal dick Rick Santorum is?

    • Barley_Brains

      No, not yet. Wonder if we can find anyone who is brave enough to go on record saying such a thing?

      • Celtic_Gnome

        The Donald will do it, and you don’t even have to pay him first, because he’s so rich.

  • Blue

    I know the minister who put up that sign at his church. Just bragging. : )

    • Jukesgrrl

      I hope he doesn’t mind that I just E-mailed it to a whole bunch of people with the title Let’s Hear It for Methodists.

  • OneYieldRegular

    Christ, go to a meeting, dude.

    Well, maybe Rachel Maddow will be like a meeting.

  • Jukesgrrl

    What does Rick Santorum know about elementary schools? His children were home-schooled at his house in Lessburg, Virginia, at the expense of Pennsylvania taxpayers. The Penn Hills School District (a working class Pittsburgh suburb) paid the Pennsylvania Cyber Charter School $38,000 A YEAR for the Santorum children to have free computers, internet connection, lesson plans, and telephone communication with qualified teachers.

    After Penn Hills objected for years and the story started to get national press, After threats of a lawsuit from Penn Hills, backed up by the fact that the Santorum family definitely did NOT live at the Penn Hills address Santorum claimed they did, the Pennsylvania Department of Education used state tax dollars to reimburse the local Penn Hills people $55,000 of the more than $100,000 they had spent and the matter was dropped. PCCS is still very successful, raking in
    millions per year in tax dollars from several different states. As for Heather Has Two Mommies, I’d guarantee PCCS enrollees, thousands of whom are evangelical Christians, aren’t getting any books about gay parents. They aren’t even getting accurate science and history lessons. The Pennsylvania state auditor general recently decried the quality of education cyber school children are receiving.

    http://www.motherjones.com/politics/2012/01/rick-santorums-school-scandal

    • Jukesgrrl

      Sorry, I know that wasn’t funny. Since Rick Santorum was my U.S. senator for 12 years, I have a hard time finding him amusing. Now my senators are John McCain and Jeff Flake. Out of the fat, into the fire.

      • Jen_Baker_VA

        But at least the humidity is better?

  • Thomas Mc

    Pity that man’s wife. She’s in Hell, and she hasn’t even died yet.

    • SK

      With her luck, when she does, she’ll land in Heaven with him. And Yahweh. Plus that fetus brought back to life in that jar…

      • Will Yahweh let the foetus out of the jar?

      • Biel_ze_Bubba

        With him? LOL. (Just saying…)

  • jennofark

    That picture of Santorum eating the Santorum cone on the front page? That may be the greatest picture, ever, on an internet full of great pictures.

    • no the greatest picture on the internet ever is the Santorum family senate loss in 2006. complete with steely eyed zealot (the wife), weeping girl child, matching doll and crazy eyed son.

  • SK

    Say what? I have no problem with the following:

    “I know in the schools in Massachusetts, in the grade school, they teach — there are books in place that say ‘Suzy has two moms’ …”

    Or even ‘Bristol has two bastard children from two sperm-shooters’

  • Celtic_Gnome

    Does anyone think Santorum’s shit is going to play in the general election in 2016?

    • lynchie

      His shit does not play in a diaper

  • Paperless Tiger

    Well, the Bush family, for example, is pretty fucked up, but they manage to produce Presidents and Governors, who fuck up in the biggest ways imaginable, for what it’s worth.

    • Biel_ze_Bubba

      Power = Success in the GOPosphere, so they just don’t see the fucking up.

  • Biel_ze_Bubba

    “… the chances of them being successful is much higher than if the opposite is true.”
    Like, for instance, if the parents are gay? What a fucking asswipe.

  • Gascoigne

    I applaud the bravery of Mr. Frothy facing the Flaming Eye of Rachel Maddow all alone; even breathing her noxious fumes of flaming Liberalism have been known to be the end of douchebag Republicans.

  • Teto85

    Santorum should be careful about getting into a name calling match with the Donbald, it could lead to a slippery slope.

  • Ryan Denniston

    “Rick Santorum Should Try Calling Donald Trump An Asshole If He Wants Any Attention”

    Besides, it’s fun! I call him an asshole all the time, and I’m not running for President!

    • Mintie

      And already we like you more than we like Rick Santorum. QED.

  • Mintie

    Like Rachel Maddow isn’t tickled at being thought of the Conservative base’s Sauron.

  • whitroth

    Where *is* that Methodist Church in the photo?

    On the other hand, does this imply that God ™ had an Affair with a married woman, so Ashley Madison’s very godly?

    mark

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