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No. Just ... no.

Um, fellas? We know it can be hard to be a man sometimes because … well, you say so. It can be especially hard if you are the jealous type, and your wife does not dote on you 27 hours a day, because she’d rather play with her shih tzu — awwwwww, so cute, they fit in your tote bag and everything! — or drink pink cocktails with her girlfriends or just not be around you because you are you, so can you blame her? You could try being better at husbanding. Or use your words, like a grown-up, to communicate your feelings. BUT. Please do take note: This is very important. Do NOT end up like Jonathan Edward Medley of Alabama, charged with a misdemeanor for, dear god, fucking his wife’s dog:

“He was mad at his wife because she paid more attention to the dog than him so he had sex with the dog,” Geneva Police Capt. Ricky Morgan. “She actually thought he was having an affair with another woman and hid a recording device. She learned he was in fact molesting the dog.”

He could have just let her know he was feeling neglected and wanted her to make some sammiches. Or suggested couples counseling? But no, he figured raping his wife’s dog would get her to notice him. Which it sure did, good for you, buddy! That should teach her to pay more attention to Buster than you! Or not, since it seems Mrs. Jonathan Edward Medley was the one who turned her husband in to the authorities, for fucking her dog.

We cannot begin to imagine — not that we’d want to — how it feels to brace yourself to watch a secretly taped video of your husband doing some other bitch, only to discover, oh yeah, he was doing some other bitch, all right. We don’t know if she confronted her husband and screamed “Why couldn’t you have just boned the baby-sitter, like a normal cheater?” or whether she immediately called the police, but her husband was arrested and charged with animal cruelty and later released on a $535 bond. Maybe Alabama should have finalized that bill to criminalize bestiality? Because screwing a lapdog almost to death sure seems like a real bad crime. Or maybe that would just mean only outlaws fuck animals. Or maybe it would be a slippery slope to men gay-sexing their dogs. It’s so hard to keep these rules straight.

We wish a speedy divorce for Mrs. Medley, and a speedy recovery for poor Buster. And sweet Jesus, a lot of intensive therapy for the alleged dog-fucker.

[Rawstory]

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  • onedollarjuana

    I think the yap-dog got off easy.

    • mtn_philosoph

      If it got off at all?

  • FauxAntocles

    Apparently Alabama is okay with fucking the dog as long as you don’t marry it.

    • memzilla

      *ahem* It was a male dog. Now Alabama has a problem with it.

      • Sharkey

        Yikes. “Buster” did seem like an odd name for a female.

  • Tallmutha

    I just read this article. How about a lot of expensive therapy for ME?

    • Seriously. I could use some brain bleach right about now.

      • JustPixelz

        Even kittens won’t help because … well, I don’t want to say it.

        • gedjcj

          No shit, talk about ruining it for the rest of us.

  • Well he almost certainly got his wife’s attention and changed the amount of sex he was having with her. So I guess that’s an accomplishment.

  • OneYieldRegular

    JEM!

  • BadKitty904

    “Man’s Best Friend,” indeed…

  • Mary Sandoras

    Just NOOOO!

  • Tallmutha

    Paul Ryan did this, I read it on the interwebs.

  • JustPixelz

    I would like to make a man-on-dog snark, but my snark-er is broken now.

  • woof

  • BadKitty904

    Wingnuts blame this on “gay marriage and/or abortion” in 5…4…3…

    • JustPixelz

      “… and/or Obama …”

      • Jen_Baker_VA

        And, definitely and. The Gays, the Abortions and the Obama, it is all their fault!

    • elviouslyqueer

      You just know our now-banned zoophiliac friend Marco is pounding his keyboard, cursing Shy, and screaming “SEE, I told you so!”

      • Lizzietish81

        Unless he’s the guy in the article.

        • Good_Gawd_Yall

          OH, all the upfists!!!

  • Lizzietish81

    So this isn’t about Santorum?

    • coozledad

      One of those Huckabee/Duggar family mashups.

  • elviouslyqueer

    My first thought was literally, “Oh thank God it wasn’t Mississippi.”

  • Lizzietish81
    • mtn_philosoph

      Yes. Or … something.

  • sillyclucker

    I sure wish it had involved a hungry pitbull. Poor little dog. He had to do this to a toy breed? The fact that the dog isn’t dead says a lot about the size of his weinie (teeny) .

    • MrBlobfish

      Toy-sized wee wee

  • coozledad

    Please don’t take him just because you can
    Your beauty is beyond compare
    With flaming locks of auburn hair
    With ivory teeth and eyes of emerald luster

    Your breath smells like a can of meat
    You got foreshortened legs and feet
    And I cannot compete with you, Buster.

    • Msgr_Moment

      You stole that from Hallmark. Fess up!

    • Billy Rubin

      (golf clap)

  • Blank Ron

    If a man shall lie with a beast, he shall remember to phone, and send flowers, the next day.

  • The poor doggie’s name is Buster so GAY.

    • OctopiRage

      Buster nut?

  • Spotts1701

    Well, he’s in the doghouse now for sure.
    (Sorry, not sorry. Had to be said.)

  • goonemeritus

    Has anybody blamed gay marriage yet?

    • alwayspunkindrublic

      This is the gay marriage result that Santorum predicted…praise him, he’s a prophet now!

  • elviouslyqueer

    Your move, Roy Moore.

  • proudgrampa

    What. The. Fuck.

  • deanbooth

    Buster? I hardly knew her!

  • Tony Alexander

    knick-knack paddywhack!

    sorry, it had to be said!

  • cousin itt

    Great, now we need to arm dogs.

  • alwayspunkindrublic

    Am I to assume that he made the dog smoke a cigarette afterwards as well?

  • JohnR

    Well I’m certainly sorry I read that. Has the Santorum campaign been notified?

  • Tony Alexander

    i mean, c’mon, it is a lap dog, for crisake!

    • Blank Ron

      Do you think he demanded a lap dance first?

      • Tony Alexander

        prolly the bestest secks he ever had.

        • Blank Ron

          It’s really too bad that poor Buster couldn’t say the same thing.

  • fawkedifiknow

    If ever there was a reason why we don’t have nice things anymore, this is it.

  • Daniel P

    So I’m in a Target store in the nicest suburb in Alabama last night, and what are the two stockers talking about? How one of their female friends got arrested for having sex with a dog.

    Now this.

    I have to get out of here while I still can.

    • Jen_Baker_VA

      just realizing that now are ya?

      • Daniel P

        I’m not a native. And there’s an expense account involved. It isn’t worth it, however.

    • gedjcj

      Run, don’t walk.

  • MrBlobfish

    The South will rise again.

    • Mhael

      You can count on that! They SHALL rise again…
      In poverty…
      In domestic violence…
      In infant mortality…
      In dropout rates…
      In talent loss to other (normal) states…

      • Mhael

        Oh, and in animal fuckery, too, I suppose…. ;)

  • LarryHoudini

    Did he do it doggie style?

  • Ryan Denniston
  • Angry_Cop

    “And sweet Jesus, a lot of intensive therapy for the alleged dog-fucker.”

    I don’t normally work this way, but I think this really calls for some serious jail time, myself.

    ETA: Oh, OF COURSE this was Alabama, thank you again, Confederacy.

  • alwayspunkindrublic

    If this wasn’t Alabama, I’d keep my snarkhole shut, being a serious dog person and all. I’d cut a bitch for hurting a dog…

  • Mary Sandoras

    OT but The Donald is blowing his horn on CNN to watch all social media for his shocking announcement…….sitting here wondering is the 5th or 6th time a charm when one speculates a run for president or is he going to dupe us again?

    • alwayspunkindrublic

      Sadly, he’s been Trumped by a dog fucker.

      • r m reddicks

        I think he’s going to announce that he, also too, is a dog fucker! And that he will make the best dog fucker this country’s ever had!

        • OctopiRage

          So that thing in his head is some sort of hybrid dog/sex toy?

          • r m reddicks

            Yeah, he bones hisownbadself in the head on a regular basis.

      • Msgr_Moment

        Keep fucking that chi….huahua.

    • Ryan Denniston

      Is he suing all of the Twitter?

      • Mary Sandoras

        I didn’t think of that. Who’s the bad boy that hurt his fee fees this time?

        • Ryan Denniston

          Man can hold a grudge. My guess is Anderson Cooper for making fun of him a couple of years ago, but who knows.

          • Mary Sandoras

            Well the Donald is babbling on CNN right now that he is the only one that can save America….

          • Ryan Denniston

            I have to be honest. After Herman Cain, I would enjoy some performance art in the 2016 race. I assumed Carson would satiate me, but I want more!

    • gedjcj

      He still owes me the shocking results of his Birther investigation, ’til then he can just fuck right off.

      Wait, CNN? Talk about going off the reservation.

      • BackDoorMan

        … about that going off the reservation – even Sippy Cupp (who can always be counted on to support anything GOP-centric admitted she found Teh Dumbald’s “announcement” to be laughable (and no, I have NO idea why she is even invited to speak anywhere other than Fux Nooze, but there you have it).

    • DahBoner

      The only thing shocking about that announcement is that the media didn’t say the closest Trump will get to “running” for President is a jogging suit. Around the outside of the White House fence.

      http://media1.giphy.com/media/DZBGfM3IhjEvC/200w_d.gif

  • cousin itt

    Medley is barking mad.

  • NorthStarSpanx

    Dear god, that poor dog (and I don’t like dogs.)

  • Jen_Baker_VA

    I so wanna go visit this city and meet that Captain Morgan fellow

  • lucidamente

    Dear Canine Fancier:

    You’re probably not going to believe this, but . . .

    • Jack_Carter_USA

      Such a thing has never happened to me before!

  • beatbort

    Does Rick Santorum know about this?

  • Jack_Carter_USA

    Man, he really screwed the pooch.

    Thanks, I’ll be here all week.

    • gedjcj

      Be sure and tip the veal.

  • DemmeFatale

    Wish, (and I think I speak for a lot of us), I could unread this.

  • Anarchy Pony

    Did the dog just get back from the groomer, all tarted up?

    • Spurning Beer

      “Bitch set me up.”

  • beatbort

    In Alabama, this is only a crime is you’re not married to the dog. Apparently, the man lost his wedding license.

  • dshwa

    “who got the dog off?
    Woof! Woof! Woof Woof!”

  • LesBontemps

    150 years on, we’re still paying the price for keeping Alabama in the Union.

  • jviscont1

    does it make me a bad person to hope the dude’s sentencing includes some private time with a donkey from Tijuana named Pedro who possesses certain skills.

    • gedjcj

      Yes.

    • IndianaKevin

      Does it make me a bad person to like your question?

  • Spurning Beer

    In Mr. Medley’s defense, he was almost certainly drunk at the time.

    • Jason M

      I’m sure that’s of great comfort to the dog.

    • OctopiRage

      Plus the dog was naked, and just shaking that butt…

    • gedjcj

      Speaking as an expert, no one is ever that drunk.

  • AnOuthouse

    I look like a saint in comparison.

    • Mehmeisterjr

      Today, we all look like saints in comparison. Except you, Josh.

  • calliecallie

    “Some dogs rape so easy” – former Wisconsin Rep. Roger Rivard

    • Msgr_Moment

      Aka “roll over”.

  • Jason M

    As a native born Alabamian, whenever I see these sorta headlines, I’m immediately like, “please don’t let it be Alabama”. Sometimes I get lucky and it’s Florida. Not this time…

    • OrdinaryJoe

      There ought to be a political affiliation box on the arrest report form so at least a small number of the people in Alabama would get a pass.

  • DahBoner

    That ain’t no banjo on his knee!!!1!1!

    http://media0.giphy.com/media/RUBvOKUc5gbDi/200w_d.gif

  • ThePuckStopsHere

    I DO NOT find this story very easy to fap to. Like, at all.

  • Mehmeisterjr

    Another close friend of Mike Huckabee, I presume.

  • elvigy

    Bitches be trippin’.

  • Msgr_Moment

    Wasn’t it King Solomon who had three hundred wives and six hundred porcupines? Not that there’s anything wrong with that, but I’m not into pricks myself.

  • Msgr_Moment

    Silver lining? He could have been fucking kittens.

    • BJW

      No! Now I really have to bleach my brain.

  • OrdinaryJoe

    “Well, I heard Mr. Young sing about her
    Well, I heard ol’ Neil put her down
    Well, I hope Neil Young will remember
    A Southern man don’t need a wife around anyhow

    Shih tzu home Alabama
    Where the skies are so blue
    Shih tzu home Alabama
    Dog, I’m coming home to you”

    OR something like that…

  • r m reddicks
  • JAWs

    RICK SANTORUM WAS RIGHT!

  • Hardly Ideal

    Good Morning, Wonkette! The soup of the day is Whiskey!

  • House0fTheBlueLights

    Someone needs to let this guy know that Rule 34 is not meant to apply to real life.

  • Jus_Wonderin

    “Sit. Stand. Sit. Stand. Sit. Stand. Sit. Stand. Sit. Stand.”

  • m3bosha

    Wait. This wasn’t Flordia?! Learn something new everyday.

    • Enfant Terrible

      It’s the “Florida Man” road show!

    • janecita

      Alabama, same difference.

  • Zippy

    Doggone shame…

  • Malmborg Implano

    I had the privilege of having one of these wonderful animals as a companion for 17 1/2 years, and I cried when I first saw this story on Raw Story. I know the sort of damage this sort of abuse would do to it and what sort of monstrous sadism it would take to do it. It would literally be like raping a baby. If we were a truly humane, life-loving society, people who did things like this would get life without parole, because anyone capable of doing something like that is too sick and dangerous to be let loose in the world.

  • Fly

    Jonathan learned the hard way what we old guys have known for years, the more attention you get from your wife, the more trouble you are in.

  • Bitter Scribe

    Or suggested couples counseling?

    If I were a counselor and those two walked in, I think I’d jump out the window.

  • PigDootsMolloy

    The frightening part of this, is that it’s an act of anger or vengeance or rage, not strictly sexual gratification. Sexual gratification in this manner is disturbing in its own right; this scenario is violence in its purest form.
    Terrorizing or hurting a dependent being to control its caregiver. Just read an article referencing a statistic describing how many women stay in dangerous relationships to protect family pets.
    All this for $535.00.

  • Lance Thrustwell

    I’m sorry, but f*cking any dog smaller than a shar-pei is simply a low class thing to do. At least, that’s what my momma taught me.

  • handyhippie65

    annnnnd there it is. gay marriage has made a good married man turn to bestiality, just like the church lady said. we’re dooooomed!

  • Not Sayin

    I loathe this kind of story. There is no fit reason to propogate this sort of nonsense. There is no reason to continue to put this kind of energy into the universe. I’m a tad surprised Wonkette would choose to do so. There is no humor in it, no edification, no public service, no journalistic value. I left Jezebel behind for this kind of crap. I don’t want to leave this site behind as well.

    • SFRealness

      “Energy into the universe”? Yea, this is a comedy blog, not Natural News.

    • “There is no humor in it,”

      I heartily disagree. Black, hideous humor, but that’s why we read about the Duggars, isn’t it?

    • Helena Handbag

      Methinks this is not the place for you ESPECIALLY if you are surprised that Wonkette would choose to “propagate this sort of nonsense.” This sort of nonsense is exactly what many of us have come to love and count on wonkette for. I suppose it’s an acquired taste.

      • Not Sayin

        Well you can methinks until your methinkser breaks. I love 99.9% of what I read here. I just thought this was a pretty mean little story and being a pet owner, it just seemed to be on the other side of the funny line. I think the juxtaposition of current events in Wonkette’s stories with humor/wit/sarcasm are fantastic. This just hit my all-creatures-great-and-small-deserve-no-pain button.

        • mtn_philosoph

          I can understand where you’re coming from. It is indeed a truly horrifying, disgusting thing, and there is already way too much of that in the world. But rather than throwing ourselves off a bridge — because the world is just so damned fucked — we can gain some health- and sanity-preserving distance from it via mockery and black humor. As a regular reader here you no doubt know this already. Like you, this story left me shaking and unable to breathe. But reading Kaili Joy’s words and those of my fellow Wonketeers has helped greatly to bring me back in from the ledge. And it wasn’t the first time either. That’s what this blog does — that’s what it is for. Wonkette isn’t the problem; Wonkette is therapy for the problem.

    • Sarah E. Grove

      Hey!! I’m an animal lover too, but WONKETTE’S not the one who fucked the dog! Get over it.

      Maybe you’re better off gone?

  • PigDootsMolloy

    While we’re on the topic, fresh outta Arkansas via Liberaland:
    http://www.alan.com/2015/06/16/rescue-shelter-owner-arrested-for-bestiality/

  • Awesome Man
  • DsMTwoShoes

    Please tell me that Mike Huckabee has come to his support.
    Jim Bob and Michelle Duggar are offering him a spot on their television program?
    Maybe TLC will then create a spin off show?

  • Sarah E. Grove

    I would bet every single penny I own that this guy is a Republican voter.

  • Beowoof14

    But But, the bitch was hot and he needed it.

  • mo_dem

    Somebody tell me again…we need men why?

    • Joseph

      Who would sex the dogs?

  • Whollyholeyholy

    My brain tries to understand this, and then when I think about it I feel like tearing my face off to distract myself from the thinking about it. I cannot for the life of me understand it, on any level.

  • NoMore Moose

    That dog was clearly looking for it. She probably just had a dog bath and a bow in her hair. You know boys will be boys.
    Look how they go after my born again virgin Bristol?

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