Um, fellas? We know it can be hard to be a man sometimes because … well, you say so. It can be especially hard if you are the jealous type, and your wife does not dote on you 27 hours a day, because she’d rather play with her shih tzu — awwwwww, so cute, they fit in your tote bag and everything! — or drink pink cocktails with her girlfriends or just not be around you because you are you, so can you blame her? You could try being better at husbanding. Or use your words, like a grown-up, to communicate your feelings. BUT. Please do take note: This is very important. Do NOT end up like Jonathan Edward Medley of Alabama, charged with a misdemeanor for, dear god, fucking his wife’s dog:
“He was mad at his wife because she paid more attention to the dog than him so he had sex with the dog,” Geneva Police Capt. Ricky Morgan. “She actually thought he was having an affair with another woman and hid a recording device. She learned he was in fact molesting the dog.”
He could have just let her know he was feeling neglected and wanted her to make some sammiches. Or suggested couples counseling? But no, he figured raping his wife’s dog would get her to notice him. Which it sure did, good for you, buddy! That should teach her to pay more attention to Buster than you! Or not, since it seems Mrs. Jonathan Edward Medley was the one who turned her husband in to the authorities, for fucking her dog.
We cannot begin to imagine — not that we’d want to — how it feels to brace yourself to watch a secretly taped video of your husband doing some other bitch, only to discover, oh yeah, he was doing some other bitch, all right. We don’t know if she confronted her husband and screamed “Why couldn’t you have just boned the baby-sitter, like a normal cheater?” or whether she immediately called the police, but her husband was arrested and charged with animal cruelty and later released on a $535 bond. Maybe Alabama should have finalized that bill to criminalize bestiality? Because screwing a lapdog almost to death sure seems like a real bad crime. Or maybe that would just mean only outlaws fuck animals. Or maybe it would be a slippery slope to men gay-sexing their dogs. It’s so hard to keep these rules straight.
We wish a speedy divorce for Mrs. Medley, and a speedy recovery for poor Buster. And sweet Jesus, a lot of intensive therapy for the alleged dog-fucker.