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Ladies, Gentlemen, and Otherwise, welcome back to the Snake Oil Bulletin, the weekly compendium of codswallop and fiddle-faddle guaranteed to make your stomach quease and your palm rocket straight to your face. Should we do a story on bleach enemas this week? Yes, yes we should. Hope you got your Clorox fan memorabilia all set for this week, because the butt bleachers are back to make your derriere squeaky clean and your stomach churn with joy!

Bleach Enema Prophet Protested by Not-Insane People

The world of bleach enemas stretches far and wide (heh), and this week we’d like to introduce you to Kerri Rivera, Bleach Enema Priestess. If Pastor Jim Humble is the God of the bleach enema cabal (which is easy because he actually claims to be a billion-year-old god from the Andromeda galaxy), think of Ms. Rivera as his Prophet, here to spread his message across the lands, preach the good news of rebirth through bleach, and then conveniently skip town when shit gets real with The Law. Rivera has been extolling the virtues of the Miracle Mineral Solution (MMS) for years, claiming that a mixture of chlorine dioxide drank or injected into the keister is the cure for cancer, malaria, AIDS, and — perhaps most sinisterly — childhood autism. It’s for this literally incredible not-medical advice that Rivera left the US to go hide out in Mexico, rarely making US appearances because Jesus fuck this lady is crazy.

Rivera claims to have “cured” 170 children of their autism with repeated bleach drinking and bleach baths, kind of like how you can “cure” someone of their left-handedness if you beat them hard enough. Rivera contends that autism and various diseases come from intestinal parasites, and the fact that children on the MMS treatment expel long tendrils of something from their butts is evidence that these parasites are present. No one explained to Rivera what mucosa is, because that’s what these child abuse victims are shitting out — their freaking intestinal linings. But calm down guys, it’s cool! As Rivera herself noted in an interview:

“If, in fact, chlorine dioxide were this toxic poisonous bleach – there would be a sea of dead children,” Rivera said. “How can this be bad if people are healing and nobody’s dying?”

How can something be bad for you if it doesn’t murder you right away? Duh, people! What would that crummy EPA know with their studies showing “chronic exposure to small doses of chlorine dioxide can result in reproductive and neurodevelopmental damage”? That’s not even a thing probably, like jet fuel melting steel beams!

Just this week, Kerri Rivera decided to touch down on US soil once more, striding across this great land, preaching the Gospel of Bleach for all to hear, or at the very least for the few dozen at the Loew’s O’Hare Hotel Rosemont in Chicago at the AutismOne conference. Rivera’s appearance on May 21st was a rare opportunity for disciples of her child death reproductive and neurodevelopmental damage cult to see their Prophet in person, what with that whole “the FDA is probably monitoring this mess” look she has going for her.

Unfortunately for Rivera, activists led a group to protest the already shady conference and to inform people of exactly what it is that a certified homeopath like Kerri (of course she is) is advocating. Even hotel employees got behind the protesters because of how appalling this crap is, and that’s saying something considering the Loew’s hotel hosts this AutismOne quack conference every year. These people put up with anti-vaxxers once a year, but bleaching an autistic kid is too far.

Regrettably, the conference went off without a hitch and only a few calls to security (most of whom responded to the protesters with arched eyebrows and silence) before Rivera spirited her enlightened self back across the border inflict her message on the people of Mexico. She was probably a little spooked by our next story coming down the pike.

Justice is real: serial bleacher finally convicted!

In some good news on the War on Bleach, we have a follow-up on a previous story, the trial of con artist kid-bleacher Louis Daniel Smith. Smith was indicted a few months ago for smuggling in sodium chlorite, which goes by the happenin’ street name of “an industrial chemical used as a pesticide and for hydraulic fracking and wastewater treatment,” and selling it to unsuspecting rubes as a cure-all as part of the Miracle Mineral Solution (MMS). He not only encouraged people to drink this stuff, but urged them to feed it to their kids as a daily supplement in lieu of delicious Flintstones vitamins, and not just for autism either! Thankfully, in an amazing twist for anyone who is generally against killing children, the fucker’s been convicted! Hallelujah!

The DOJ’s press release reads less like a conviction notice and more like a carnival of horrors, and not the fun kind with the happy clowns with razors for teeth:

The government presented evidence that Smith instructed consumers to combine MMS with citric acid to create chlorine dioxide, add water and drink the resulting mixture to cure numerous illnesses. Chlorine dioxide is a potent agent used to bleach textiles, among other industrial applications.  Chlorine dioxide is a severe respiratory and eye irritant that can cause nausea, diarrhea and dehydration.  According to the instructions for use that Smith provided with his product, nausea, diarrhea and vomiting were all signs that the miracle cure was working.  The instructions also stated that despite a risk of possible brain damage, the product might still be appropriate for pregnant women or infants who were seriously ill.

If you wanted to turn into a misanthrope right about now, we would probably join you.

The FDA convinced a federal jury to convict Smith of 3 counts of introducing misbranded drugs, 1 count of fraudulently smuggling merchandise into the country, and 1 count of conspiracy to commit multiple crimes. According to the prosecution, Smith set up a bunch of bogus chemical treatment companies in order to smuggle his industrial chemicals into the country by deviously calling them industrial chemicals, which is what they are. Industrial fucking chemicals.

Smith now faces a maximum of 34 years in jail, and in your humble correspondent’s opinion it couldn’t have happened to a nicer human-shaped herpes scab. Looks like that fancy GoFundMe page wasn’t enough to save a man committed to burning children from the inside out. Money really can’t buy everything.

Flotsam, Jetsam, and Hokum

Last, we’ll wrap up our bulletin with a look back at the greatest pieces of jiggery-pokery to grace the pages of Yr Beloved Wonkette.

  • In the ongoing grossness that is EVERYTHING about the Josh Duggar scandal, Yr Wonkette had time to sit down and learn something about S-E-X from the Duggar’s beloved Advanced Training Institute. Did you ladies know that your shameful lady bits are naturally allergic to Man Seed (which is why only whores get cancer, see), but that the magic vibrational energies of a wedding ring makes your immune system accept the sperm? Also children come from cabbage patches, probably.
  • If you’re not yet filled to the brim (gross) with wisdom on safe Christian sex techniques, perhaps a breakdown of the Duggar’s wonderful ideas about women in general and sex abused women in particular will help!
  • Did we mention that this woman-blaming, sex-is-wicked-until-your-wedding-night bullshit is everywhere? Because it’s goddamn everywhere. Even in the delightful return of our Sundays Tuesdays with the Christianists segment!

That’s all for this week, folks. Tune in next time when our guests, Bloody Mary and Biggie Smalls, will tell us their secrets to shaping up for bikini season! Spoiler alert: it’s BLOOD.

[Raw Story / Just the VaxSkeptical Beard / US Department of Justice / Merriam-Webster]

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  • cousin itt

    That’s not even a thing probably, like jet fuel melting steel beams!

    iswydt — no one can explain that therefore, Obamaghazi.

    • Villago Delenda Est

      You know, like the tides!

  • jviscont1

    I do not stick stuff up my butt often my friends, but when I do, I use TreXXX. poop responsibly.

  • Comet!
    It makes your mouth so clean!
    Comet!
    It tastes like kerosene!
    Comet!
    It makes you vomit!
    So get some Comet
    And vomit
    Today!

    • glasspusher

      Just as relevant today as when I sang it as a child!

    • Villago Delenda Est

      OK, so this is how I heard it when I was a munchkin….

      Comet!
      It makes your teeth turn green
      Comet!
      It smells like gasoline
      Comet!
      It makes you vomit!
      So get some Comet
      And vomit
      Today!

      • Regional variations on the Comet song is what makes this country GREAT!!!

        • Villago Delenda Est

          Either way, it makes The Bridge on the River Kwai an interesting experience!

        • Me not sure

          That and the Quiverful movement.

    • OT, but as long as we’re sharing childhood parodies…

      Stranded
      Stranded on a toilet bowl
      What do you do when your stranded
      And you don’t have a roll?

      (for you young whippersnappers who don’t know the reference, this https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=uV-7D4io1Rs )

      • zerosumgame0005

        ah yes, old white guy version of “Kung FU”

      • Mehmeisterjr

        Music by Dominic Frontiere. That name brings back some memories.

      • Amy!

        You must do what you can
        You must wipe, with your hand,
        When you’re stranded,
        Stranded and you can’t reach the roll.

      • Amy!

        You must do what you can
        You must wipe, with your hand,
        When you’re stranded,
        Stranded and you can’t reach the roll.

  • glasspusher

    Pro tip from a pro chemist: any molecule where chlorine is on the left side of equation, like chlorine dioxide (as opposed to sodium chloride) is not for amateurs or home use.

    • Villago Delenda Est

      Oh, one of those sciencey-types. Prob’ly believes in the “law” of gravity, too.

      • glasspusher

        3×10^8 m/s, my friend- it’s not just a good idea…

        Yeah, I’m trouble. I had a Kirby vacuum cleaner salesman try to make me feel bad because I was fast at math.

        • bobbert

          Okay, Einstein.

        • mtn_philosoph

          Conservation of momentum: it’s the law.

    • cousin itt

      And don’t go near ShaNaNa, that’s killer nostalgia.

    • weejee

      ♪ But it’s all right
      Matter of fact it’s a gas ♪

      / mixing bleach and ammonia does not make the toilet bowl cleaner, but can leave the cleaner dead

      • glasspusher

        Using sodium hydroxide solutions and aluminum will make hydrogen gas, and that’s no lye.

        • weejee

          Can also get hydrogen gas by mixing powdered aluminum with cementitious grout and use the gas expansion to help fill the ducts used for high-strength steel post-tensioning strands. That is if you don’t mind embrittlement.

          Twang yer magic twanger Froggy

          • glasspusher

            “Cementitious grout” is totes the name of my new punk band.

            Yep, all you need is something to break down the oxide layer on the aluminum, and the fun never ends!

          • glasspusher

            How about mixing powdered aluminum with powdered iron oxide, say in a 1:2 weight ratio? Asking for a friend…

          • Doug Langley

            Your friend by any chance is working on a fun project called the Hindenburg?

          • glasspusher

            No, that’s a recipe for thermite.

          • bobbert

            Pluck

        • Mehmeisterjr

          Lyer, lyer, intestines on fire?

        • david green

          When I was a kid we would use that process to fill balloons and pollute the skies with them.

    • SterWonk

      Fluorine, also too. FOOF

      Or even better worse, both: ClF3

      • Biel_ze_Bubba

        From the Material Safety Data Sheet:
        “Suitable extinguishing media: None.”

  • cousin itt

    “The surprise use of chlorine gas allowed the Germans to rupture the French line along a 6-kilometer (3.7-mile) front, causing terror and forcing a panicked and chaotic retreat. Within a matter of minutes, this slow moving wall of gas killed more than 1000 French and Algerian soldiers, while wounding approximately 4000 more. . . . Then there staggered into our midst French soldiers, blinded, coughing, chests heaving, faces an ugly purple color, lips speechless with agony, and behind them in the gas soaked trenches, we learned that they had left hundreds of dead and dying comrades.,
    http://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC2376985/

    • glasspusher

      Fritz Haber. Talk about a paradox.

      • Latverian Diplomat

        That’s 1918* Nobel prize winner Fritz Haber.

        *Technically not awared until 1919, because the Nobel process can be weird. And it was for his ammonia synthesis work, not his “better killing through chemistry work”, though come to think of it, ammonia synthesis was important to German ammunition production.

        • glasspusher

          Yep. I believe his first wife killed herself over his war gas enthusiasm.

        • glasspusher

          Also: can’t resist: one of my favorite lines:

          “Materiel shortages continue to plague the Allied war effort”

    • Last Hussar

      Ah, but none of them was diagnosed with autism.

  • ManchuCandidate

    Wut? wut? Bleach ur butt!

  • weejee

    Pastor Jim get us chakra-ing all over.

    • glasspusher

      curse you for posting this gif.

      • cousin itt

        Bleach, right up my nose into my brain. STAT!

      • cousin itt

        Bleach, right up my nose into my brain. STAT!

    • Mehmeisterjr

      That’s “Archbishop James Humble” to you. (He’s apparently tarted up his official title.)

      • Vecciojohn

        Cool. I am now known as Queen Marie of Romania, but you can all call me Queenie.

        • Amy!

          Love is a thing that can never go wrong.

      • bobbert

        Wait, he’s a god from Andromeda, and is willing to go by “Archbishop”? Pretty humble.

    • Bill Slider

      Can we order one of these Sarah action figures from Wonkette?

  • glasspusher

    While I believe it’s morally reprehensible to let a sucker keep his money, this does not extend at all to damaging their kids.

  • Latverian Diplomat

    exactly what it is that a certified homeopath like Kerri (of course she is) is advocating.

    Actually using a poisonous chemical without diluting it to nonexistence first? Even her homeopathy is fraudulent. That’s like meta-fraud, or something. I expect a major crackdown by the ever-vigilant and ever-scrupulous authorities that control homeopathy certification.

    • glasspusher

      Dude, didn’t you hear? These things can regulate themselves, that’s why we don’t need the FDA either!

      -Rand Paul

  • JohnR

    I read that whole thing as one sentence and am now nauseated beyond belief.

  • Catstro

    And I thought my grandma was crazy for insisting we merely bathe the outsides of our bodies in a bleach solution after being exposed to poison ivy. Which I flatly refused to do, because I’d rather suffer poison ivy than the side effects of a hillbilly home remedy. These people are sick, glad at least one of them is locked up.

  • JohnR

    The Free Market will take care of the bleach pushers, here’s how. When you use a product according to the instructions provided by the sociopath sales person and it kills of maims you and you family, then you have certainly learned your lesson and sooner or later word will get out and folks will stop buying the shit and Market Forces will prevail. Caveat Emptor and Amen

    • bobbert

      Key phrase: “Sooner or later”

  • weejee

    And speaking of homeopathy, does this mean Dame Noonington should give up her beloved gin enemas?

    • Me not sure

      Are those carried out Manuelly?

      • david green

        He has to do it, or he will be reported and deported.

      • Biel_ze_Bubba

        Not if you read the Manuel.

        • Me not sure

          I see a product tie-in….

    • bobbert

      Where did you find such a lovely insufflator?

  • I just had a bleach enema, and I feel all white.

    • glasspusher

      It’s like drinking Drano- sure, it’ll clean you out, but it’ll leave you feeling hollow inside.

      • weejee

        A bit soapy too, also.

      • Doug Langley

        And half an hour later, you’re hungry again.

        • glasspusher

          MSG FTW!

      • In Breakfast of Champions Vonnegut points out why Drano is such a successful suicidal beverage: the human body is made up of roughly the same materials as a clog in a drain.

        So it goes.

      • H0mer0

        was that a “Naked Gun” reference?

        • glasspusher

          Correct, for $400!

          • H0mer0

            SMRT! I mean ….

    • tinywriting

      ‘It really clears your head!’

      ‘Oh, yeah? I think they’re doing it wrong.’

      • Biel_ze_Bubba

        Not when you consider where their heads are.

        • tinywriting

          I stand(?) corrected.

  • guppy06

    It’s for this literally incredible not-medical advice that Rivera left the US to go hide out in Mexico

    Whither Dog the Bounty Hunter? Or was that yet another reality TV show that ended in child molestation?

    • Catstro

      I think it was the n-word, actually. Which in retrospect is almost refreshing.

      • jmk

        How quaint!

  • Jen_Baker_VA

    I think we should reward people who prey on desperate folk by giving them their very own super secure thunderdome. All the modern conveniences, like open sump in the floor, magnetically sealing door, and running rodents would be optional and entirely at the expense of the prisoner. I mean guest.

    Edit: OH, and they can only drink their own solution. We’ll see how healthy they remain

  • starfanglednut

    “Homeopaths” drive me berserk. I have a friend who is trying to persuade another friend that because he uses inhalers for his asthma, he is not on his spiritual “journey,” A friend of hers suggests various flower oils, likely containing all kinds of pollen, in his bath. Neither of them recommends that he quit smoking pot all day long.

    • zerosumgame0005

      sheesh, I was thinking it was me you were talking about, especially that last line, then I remembered I have no friends…being a grumpy old man is an advantage sometimes :P

      • Vecciojohn

        Yeah, just try taking away our dope, you little narcs!

        • zerosumgame0005

          hey, an old guy has to score a little weed somehow!

          • Vecciojohn

            Fuckin’ A.

  • Joshua Norton

    preaching the Gospel of Bleach for all to hear

    Vaccines are killers but a daily shot of Clorox should fix you right up. Please ignore the skull and crossbones on the bottle. They’re probably just left over from Halloween.

    • Blank Ron

      ‘See, Tommy? Pirates use it, and you think pirates are cool, right?’

  • Me not sure

    Y’know, I used to think that the Phillip’s lady on TV was annoying, but(t?) these people make me have second thoughts.
    ” The trouble with normal is it always gets worse.”
    Bruce Cockburn

    • bobbert

      “If I had a rocket launcher”
      Bruce Cockburn

      • Me not sure

        All we have is Wonkette launchers.

  • zerosumgame0005

    Bleach? BAH! WINDEX cures everything!

    • Catstro

      Epsom salts libel!

      • nmmagyar

        According to my mom, it was a good BM

        • Catstro

          It is apparently #1 for a #2, but we never used it for that. Everything else, though. Splinter in your finger? Infected hangnail? Sprained ankle? Sunburn? Butthurt? Epsom salts.

    • SterWonk

      Gus Portokalos LIBEL!

      (As the child of immigrants, that movie hit way too close to home for me. And I’m not even married! I can only imagine what my brothers and sisters-in-law felt at their own Big Fat Indian Weddings.)

      • zerosumgame0005

        to be fair i don’t think he ever sprayed it up anyones butt or down their throat :) so that sets him way up above the Bleacher’s up there!

      • H0mer0

        I wish my ex-mother-in-law had brought a Bundt instead of the pretty but dryyyy cake we got. We joked about giving each other abrasions when we tried to rub it in the other one’s face while feeding it to them (especially at the one year mark when we took out the frozen top tier.)

  • Bill Slider

    Chloride dioxide, which one of those male muscle supplements contains it, so I can order it, to be sure that as I get ripped on the outside, I get ripped on the inside as well?

    • Vecciojohn

      Anabolic steroids: They’re not just for grown ups anymore!

  • Mehmeisterjr

    The only thing that surprises is me is that AICUAAPAFHFAWT (an industrial chemical used as a pesticide and for hydraulic fracking and wastewater treatment) isn’t being mixed with FLAKKA to make the newest Florida fad drug.

    • Vecciojohn

      It would be more popular but nobody can pronounce it.

      • Mehmeisterjr

        It’s easy. Just a make a strangled catarrhal groan. It seems to be the official Florida Man sound already.

  • “If your friends can’t cure you, your enemas can!”
    -President Milliard Filmore

    • tinywriting

      Keep your friends close and your enemas closer.

  • dshwa

    How do we not regulate this shit better? We’re not Fucking Somalia (yet).

    • Vecciojohn

      Free enterprise! Caveat suckers! Jerb killer! No nanny state! Freeeeeeeedum!!

      • Last Hussar

        The frightening thing for many of us in Europe is TTIP the Atlantic version of TTP will mean we will have to let these wankers sell here too. All those fears Americans have over TTP? Well we have them about your pumped full of chemicals meat, and fuck everyone business practices.

  • KevinShinn

    FYI jet fuel did not melt steel beams. Lengthy duration of the kerosene blaze fatigued structural members asymetrically causing catastrophic failure (assuming you’re referencing the Twin Towers).

    • willi0000000

      yeah . . . if you put stressed steel into a kerosene fire at about the same time you jump into a vat of lanolin you should both soften to death at about the same time.

      [the fact that the crash blew off all the spray-on insulation didn’t help either]

      • Paperless Tiger

        Great, now they’re gonna attack us with lanolin. They got plenty sheep too.

      • Biel_ze_Bubba

        While the Youtube moronosphere was buried in idiocy, some engineers took the trouble to, you know, actually find out:
        https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=N2TMVDYpp2Q&t=3m50s

      • ryp

        Did you ever notice that the planes that crashed into the twin towers didn’t leave chemtrails? I bet the “scientists” have an explanation for that too.

  • VirginiaLady

    They still sell that crap on ebay. It comes from Australia with lots of disclaimers and ships to the USA. Not cool.

    • Vecciojohn

      Fucking eBay. I’m surprised they don’t sell anthrax and slaves.

      • VirginiaLady

        I can make a special listing for ya. Today we’re having a special buy one plague get one free!

    • Biel_ze_Bubba

      Like any industrial chemical, you can buy it right here.

      $106 per kilo – what do the dealers from Oz want for it?

  • Metadude

    So is butt-enemas the theme for the next Wonket get-together?

    • Mehmeisterjr

      If so, I have prior commitments.

      • Tickets are mandatory and non-refundable. Can’t wait to see you there!

  • A billion-year-old god from Andromeda? Is this freak an ex-Scientologist or something?

    YES!

    • willi0000000

      one wonders . . . how can you be a billion-year-old god when the universe is only 6000 years old?

      • Scientologists go the other way from Christian fundies. According to L Ron Hubbard, we’ve all lived TRILLIONS if not QUADRILLIONS of years of previous lives, not only in this but a whole confusing plethora of previous universes as well.

        • H0mer0

          actually, that makes more sense to me as a quasi Hindu than the 6000 years theory.

        • willi0000000

          no wonder i’ve got so many wrinkles.

          [always did think i was supposed to be born in another universe though]

        • Biel_ze_Bubba

          I wonder what a “year” was, before there was an Earth circling the sun.
          Funny that they have the same problem that the bibblehumpers have with “7 days”.

  • Blank Ron

    The Pastor Jim linky informs me:

    Humble, who quit the Church of Scientology to form the Genesis II Church of Health & Healing…

    People? You might want to reconsider taking medical advice from someone who is too crazy for Scientology.

    • Biel_ze_Bubba

      Or somebody for whom Scientology was not crazy enough.

      • Mehmeisterjr

        Or somebody who wanted all the loot for himself.

  • Bob Harrow

    How about just gargling…

  • Biel_ze_Bubba

    Homepath, sociopath; tomayto, tomahto.

  • Biel_ze_Bubba

    As a Fenway regular, I have to say that this gives a whole new meaning to “bleacher bum.”

    • bobbert

      No, I didn’t even … oh fuck it.

  • Bad Granny

    And here I thought butt bleaching was just for sex workers.

  • VandeGraf

    Word is that Jesus didn’t get laid because he had crabs, not because common human women were allergic to his spunk substance. So, all that is totally un-Biblical. Doesn’t say anything about allergies, except for killing the Midianites, which might have been just plain meanness of the (Holy) Spirit. Don’t know for sure. The Book leaves us hanging some.

    • Mintie

      Ssshh! Don’t tell the Fundies, but a lot of historians are pretty sure Jesus was married and had children. Which means he had S-E-X.

  • kfreed

    The Duggar horseshit wasn’t news to me, but ass bleach???? Why are these bottom feeders free to roam the country abusing, maiming, and murdering for shits and giggles?

  • Last Hussar

    If they had homeopathic bleach every one would be happy. It would be a gazillion (10^fuckloads) times stronger, plus not making anyone shit out their stomach like lining so those evil gubmit agents couldn’t complain.

  • Did you say palm rocket? What’s that?

  • Lefty Frizzell

    Not to turn unnecessarily all party political on this, but is my understanding correct that the current Republican position on this sort of thing is that regulation is bad, these people shouldn’t be prosecuted, and that the “market” will sort all this out when consumers realize the product is no good and stop buying it?

    • The Republican Position? Oh and the market is a higher intelligence that we cannot comprehend and may not question. The market has a plan for all of us. In the beginning was the word and the word was with market…

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