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Oh Denny, you sick bastard

Back when Republican Denny Hastert was Speaker of the House — before he became a lobbyist and before he was indicted for paying someone a whole lot of hush money to cover up “prior misconduct,” whatever that means, we are terrified to find out — there was this whole other thing Hastert tried to keep all hushed up, and it was a gross Republican sex scandal (our favorite kind). Time to flashback thingy!

A long time ago right before this current presidential campaign began, in 2006, there was a charming middle-aged Florida bachelor congressman named Mark Foley who loved to masturbate while typing dirty messages to the boy-children who served as Congressional pages. Occasionally, he would show up drunk at the boy-page barn and demand some action. There is nothing wrong with this, and Congressmen wouldn’t have those young supple pages supplied by the government if not to fuck those kids, right?

Yeah, now you remember. But what does that have to do with then-Speaker Hastert? Oh nothing. Except for how he kind of maybe knew about it — for months or even years:

A senior congressional aide said Wednesday that he alerted House Speaker Dennis Hastert’s office two years ago about worrisome conduct by former Rep. Mark Foley with teenage pages.

Kirk Fordham told The Associated Press that when he was told about Foley’s inappropriate behavior toward pages, he had “more than one conversation with senior staff at the highest level of the House of Representatives asking them to intervene.”

Hastert, as we mentioned earlier but will never tire of reminding you, assumed the speakership after perpetual cheater Newt Gingrich retired to spend more time banging his mistress, after impeaching Bill Clinton but epic FAILing to remove Bill Clinton from the presidency. And then next-in-line Rep. Bob Livingston, another Republican moral scold who really wanted to see Clinton fry for getting a hummer, had to give up his speaker dreams after confessing that yeah, he’d also been boning a lady who was not Mrs. Livingston. Hastert, though, was supposed to be Mr. Squeaky Clean, the former small town coach and teacher, a mild-mannered guy who could get along with everyone and restore order to the Republican Party. But then, dang it, we learned about Rep. Foley sending naughty messages to teenage boys about how horny he was for their hot page bodies. Hastert of course denied knowing anything about it for years, and he got REAL MAD at everyone who said, “Um, hey, Speaker Hastert, how come you’ve been ignoring these rumors that Rep. Foley is doing some maybe sex crimes to some kids, HUH?”

When asked about a groundswell of discontent among the GOP’s conservative base over his handling of the issue, Hastert said in the phone interview: “I think the base has to realize after a while, who knew about it? Who knew what, when? When the base finds out who’s feeding this monster, they’re not going to be happy. The people who want to see this thing blow up are ABC News and a lot of Democratic operatives, people funded by [liberal activist] George Soros.”

He went on to suggest that operatives aligned with former President Bill Clinton knew about the allegations and were perhaps behind the disclosures in the closing weeks before the Nov. 7 midterm elections, but he offered no hard proof.

It was all an evil Democratic scheme, see, to make Hastert look bad. Of course he didn’t know, for months or even years, that Rep. Foley was sexually harassing underage pages! Except that all turned out to be bullshit, because Hastert eventually admitted he had heard something about Foley electronically diddling those kids after all. Easy to see how one might forget that sort of minor detail while one is busy blaming George Soros, Bill Clinton, Nancy Pelosi, and the men’s room attendant for it.

Hastert then received a spanking from the House Ethics Committee for being “willfully ignorant” because pretty much all the Republicans — including current Speaker John Boehner, whom we expect to be indicted, imprisoned, caught banging his not-wife, or all of the above, any day now, since that’s what happens with Republican House Speakers, apparently — had warned Hastert about Foley’s naughtiness.

Hastert shortly thereafter decided he was tired of being in Congress, maybe because all of his GOP colleagues were none too happy with how he’d handled the Foley situation, or how he helped hand the House back over to the Democrats (Speaker Pelosi, drink!), so he went off to make a bazillion dollars as a lobbyist, as one does when one is tired of serving the public.

Now that Hastert has been indicted for lying to the FBI and illegally withdrawing $1.7 million in cash, over four years, to keep “Individual A” from spilling the beans on some unknown Very Bad Thing Hastert allegedly did, he’s probably looking back on the good old days when he was merely covering up someone else’s scandal without having to personally pay all that money to do so. Allegedly.

Hastert has resigned from the lobbying firm “Dickstein Shapiro” (we swear we are not making that up), as well as from the Chicago Mercantile Exchange board. Neither he, nor the lawyers who managed to keep the specific Very Bad Thing details out of the indictment, have commented on the charges against Hastert, but hot damn, those are some good lawyers, because Hastert’s out on bail, which was set at a measly $4,500. Given that he’d allegedly agreed to pay $3.5 million to keep his dirty secret a secret, that doesn’t seem like much. But then, what do we know? Not much. Not yet anyway.

[Think Progress / Chicago Tribune / HuffPo / Politico]

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  • Nounverb911

    OT, what is Boehner hiding in HIS closet?

    • BadKitty904

      Empties.

      • Blank Ron

        He’s an R. You can’t expect him to recycle them, can you?

    • coozledad

      Carrot liqueur?

      • MrBlobfish

        Boy liquor.

        • Blank Ron

          Made no sense till I said it out loud. Then ew.

    • Bob@Bob.com

      spray on tan

      • wingr47

        Hell, THAT ain’t no secret. Mate the amount He spends on it……

    • wingr47

      The real pronunciation of His name. It’s BONER DUDE, BONER! Nowhere on earth, in no language is Boeh pronounced Bay.

      • Villago Delenda Est

        It’s more like “Burr” in the original German, at least the way I was taught it…Americanisches Hochdeutsch.

        • wingr47

          Still ain’t Bay or Bah

          • Villago Delenda Est

            True dat.

        • mtn_philosoph

          Toaster strudel, ja?!!

    • MrBlobfish

      a still?

      • mtn_philosoph

        Even now? Notwithstanding? After all?

        Back when we were kids we were never allowed to see the cellar whenever we visited our Grandma who lived “out in the country” in rural Michigan. It wasn’t until were were well into adulthood that our mother confirmed what we had long suspected — we were kept out of the cellar so that we wouldn’t see Grandpa’s still.

  • HogeyeGrex

    Putting that picture and the word “sex” on the same screen ought to be a felony.

    bleahh

  • Villago Delenda Est

    There’s a dead skunk in the middle of the road and it’s stinkin’ to high heaven!

  • BadKitty904

    Because the first thing an innocent man always does when falsely accused of a crime is resign from his long-time job(s) and hire an expensive team of high-powered attorneys…

  • coozledad
  • HogeyeGrex

    Can’t wait until whatever his nasty little secret is leaks out. For that kind of dough, I wonder if it has to do with his time in the House and who else it implicates. C’mon, “unnamed source!”

  • memzilla

    Check the line in Vegas to see what the odds are that Coach Hastert was either Foleying or Duggaring back in the Land of Lincoln. I say take Foleying and the points, not the over-and-under *ahem*.

  • Olav_Pompatus

    Yeah … buh-buh-but …. Clinton blowjobs! And BENGHAZIIII!!!!!

    • Riley Whodat Venable

      Ben Gazerra!!!

  • Gorillionaire

    Ya know, our high school music director was as delightfully queer as a three dollar bill, but apparently he never touched or worried anyone that wasn’t his fitness trainer “friend”.

    • Villago Delenda Est

      Here’s the thing. The NAMBLA myth is one that the Christianists cherish, because it’s great camouflage for their own peccadilloes.

      • Lefty Frizzell

        Isn’t that Ted’s favorite Cuban food?

        • Mehmeisterjr

          A peccadillo is when you playfully kiss an armadillo. With tongue.

  • chascates

    He had to have duggared a student or two when he was a teacher. Male, female, both, or 4-H livestock?

  • BadKitty904

    Whatever Has been is hiding, it’s apparently worth $3.5 million to him to keep it covered up. I’m guessing the problem isn’t fixing unpaid trasffic tickets…

    • I’ve got five dollars that says he checked out Lady Chatterley’s Lover from the library and never returned it.

      • Villago Delenda Est

        Wow, that’s one hell of a library fine!

      • BadKitty904

        Librarians don’t play…

      • pattyp

        I can see that. He certainly wouldn’t want his fellow conservatives finding out he knows how to read.

  • Joshua Norton

    Since Denny has turned out to be so creepy and corrupt, it’s a pretty safe bet that we can expect his new show on TLC any day now.

  • Fly

    What was Hastert hiding? Why the salami of course.

    • BadKitty904

      Ew.

  • SuspectedDemocrat

    According to my sex ed class, this was the young Duggar girls’ fault.

  • cousin itt

    Bang the Dong, Foley

  • Spotts1701

    Is it bad that we thought 2006 was the high-water mark for “EWWW!” in politics? Oh, those naïve halcyon days…

  • Joshua Norton

    As far as I can tell, gay sex is just wrestling carried out to its logical conclusion.

    • BadKitty904

      *ahem*

      <–blushes, whistles awkwardly, looks out the window

    • SecludedCompound

      I would have given anything to have known this in 1998 and been able to ask Hastert about the Greco-Roman aspects of his wrestling career, just to see that bloated, red face get even more red.

  • MrBlobfish

    So, Congress is basically one big sausage party.

    • BadKitty904

      Corrupt, venal, hypocritical sausages…

      • …that you wouldn’t touch or even come near for anything under six figures.

    • Villago Delenda Est

      Well, fer sure on the R side of the aisle. Guys like Barney Frank are much more mature in their sexuality than anyone on the R side.

  • wingr47

    Foley was allowed to ride slowly into the FLA sunset. NO charges, ever. Protect Yer but buddy Rs so he will protect Yer butt when the time cums.

    • Blank Ron

      One hand washes the other.

      Wait, ew.

  • LarryHoudini

    Oh, come on people! This has the handy work of George Soros written all over it!!

  • Fitzgerald Chesterfield

    Why don’t congressmen use bookmarks?
    They prefer to bend over their pages!

    • Ricky Gay

      and never, ever let them “dog ear” you!

  • memzilla

    Anagrams of “Denny Hastert” include: Rented Shanty, Hennaed Tryst, and Try Teen Hands.

    Ew. That reads like the timeline of an indictment.

  • MrBlobfish

    So. Top or bottom?

    • BadKitty904

      OK, look, I just ate lunch and would like to keep it down…

      • You’re a cat. You never keep your lunch down. The carpet is over there.

        • BadKitty904

          My lunch, I keep down – it’s the bugs and lizards as snacks that are the problem…

          • Catstro

            It’s the trash I like to play with that gives me indigestion. When I was a kitten I could digest anything, but these days one bite of string cheese wrapper has me horking on the bedspread.

          • BadKitty904

            And these freekin’ house-ferns. Did I ask for a salad-bar???

          • calliecallie

            Hairballs and grass. They don’t mix.

          • Amy!

            They’re not supposed to! When you’re trying to entice a human to join you for a hunt or a meal, it’s all about the presentation. Salad on the side, you know?

  • Malmborg Implano

    What do Dennis Hastert, Julian Assange, Bill Cosby and Roman Polanski have in common?

    Not understanding the concept of consensual sex, silly!

    • Lot_49

      It really says something about you when Ted Bundy understands a concept an you don’t.

  • diogenez

    So, George Soros set up Rep. Mark Foley by hiring hot twinks to intern for the Congressman?

    Diabolical.

  • OneYieldRegular

    So, uh, when does Hastert throw his hat in the ring for 2016?

  • Heather Tucker

    Wasn’t Mark Kirk, current senator from Illinois, part of the Foley coverup?

  • rocktonsam

    this is unusual. a repub involved in a cover up. and from Illinois.

  • mosjef

    How is it that Repubtards are all sanctimonious and holier than you, except for banging children?

    • FukuiSanYesOta

      Jebus forgives them. Some harm, no foul.

      • Amy!

        Really foul, actually.

  • Ryan Denniston

    Dumb idiot didn’t think to set up a small business and pay the blackmailer as an employee? Even this dumb liberal knows more about our free market than a former Speaker!

    • Villago Delenda Est

      These guys revere Adam Smith, but they’ve never bothered to read his fuckin’ book.

      • Riley Whodat Venable

        Don’t you mean Adam West, in tights with a mask on?

    • jviscont1

      too many onerous federal regulations.

    • Latverian Diplomat

      He’ll provide $3.5 million, but he’ll be damned if he also has to spring for paid vacation and health insurance *. Thanks, Obama!

      * I realize that for a sufficiently small business he can skate on a lot of those rules, but that presumes Hastert is being blackmailed by less than fifty or so people.

  • MrBlobfish

    I got it. He’s the Lindberg baby all grown up.

    • mailman27

      The Hindenburg baby?

  • goonemeritus

    I long for the simpler times of my youth when a blow job
    seemed news worthy.

    • Villago Delenda Est

      Splooge on a blue dress. The Village was mesmerized by it.

  • FNMA

    OK, you people. I just had lunch and you post that photo of that face associated with the word “sex” and then further mention the possibility of Boner doing some boning, which, frankly, seems unlikely since there doesn’t seem to be enough Cialis in the world to defeat that level of whiskey dick…
    Anyway, there goes lunch…

    • Toomush_Infer

      It’s the Wonkette Diet Plan (TM)….

  • Mehmeisterjr

    Samantha Bee – “Pages are the liberty fluffers of Congress”

  • Mehmeisterjr

    I wonder what worthy corporate people he was lobbying for.

  • The Other Tim

    I thought bartcop had revealed that Hastert had a mistress too. He used to run an old black and white photo on his blog all the time.

  • OzoneTom

    “… Hastert eventually admitted he had heard something about Foley electronically diddling those kids …”

    The subject may have come up when Denny and Mark were IM-ing:
    http://www.dailykos.com/story/2015/05/29/1388733/-Some-folks-saw-the-Hastert-news-coming-back-in-2006

  • Lot_49

    ABC News? Let’s exhume Sam Donaldson and blame him

    Oh wait, he’s still alive. Let’s exhume is toupee instead.

  • Dave

    What is it with you people and your shoddy speculation. There is very little danger of Boehner getting “caught banging his not-wife.” It is when she becomes the ‘ex-not-wife’ that things start getting interesting!
    Sorry I don’t think my 7th grade grammar class covered the correct hyphenation of ex-not-wife.

    • jmk

      Well…that might not be entirely true…if, for example, he goes hiking on the Appalachian Trail, the lady in question would still be his current-not-wife.

      • Dave

        Excellent speculation

  • ShriekinViolet

    You know, I used to think that Republicans were true believers and that, even if I disagreed with them, they were principled in their own way.

    I’m starting to think I might have been wrong. It might just be that they’re all howler monkeys screaming for flesh, especially little kid flesh, every last one of ’em.

    • fka_donnie_d

      Unfortunately, it’s much worse. It actually doesn’t fucking matter.

  • Metadude

    I’m glad to see my former state maintaining its glorious reputation as the Land of Kickbacks, Bribery, and General Shenanigans.

  • Poly_Ester

    I bet whoever he was allegedly dicking wasn’t even old enough to vote. That is strange behavior for an Illinois Republican.

    • Bad Granny

      I read one exchange, it ended because his little friend had to do his homework.

  • Gleem-McShinez

    Come on. Nobody wants to hear about the pennis of Dennis.
    Jesus, Can I just pay his bribes NOT to hear any sex-tales associated with that guy?

  • Sam Hain

    Fucking scumbags, each and every one.

  • beatbort

    Don’t forget Hastert’s colleague, Rep. Henry Hyde (and Go Seek). He was porking his good friend’s wife for YEARS, up to his mid-40s (while also being married and a “family values” megaphone). He chalked it all up to “a youthful indiscretion.” Maybe Josh Duggar should pull that phrase out of mothballs.

    • Ranina

      While tearing apart the country with the Clinton impeachment trials.

  • Steverino247

    This just in:

    Dennis Hastert made payments to conceal sexual misconduct, sources say
    http://www.latimes.com/nation/la-na-hastert-misconduct-20150529-story.html

    No fucking surprise there!

    • Catstro

      Once I was reminded that he was a high school wrestling coach a little lightbulb went on in my head.

  • fawkedifiknow

    Denghazi!!!

    • NationalGalleryofClipArt

      I’ve a fever, & the only prescription is more lithe, 15 year old boys in singlets!

  • VandeGraf

    What good is being Speaker if you can’t act like a total dick wad?

  • NationalGalleryofClipArt

    Dennis Hastert (D-IL)

  • Me not sure

    Puzzle Time! / Find the sex offender in this picture.

    • Villago Delenda Est

      AOT, K.

  • Bubble Genius

    Wouldn’t this be delicious if it somehow linked to Karl Rove’s alleged twink parties?

    • MrCanoehead

      What alleged Karl Rove twink parties? It would be irresponsible not to speculate.

      • Bubble Genius

        No, seriously! I recall talk in 2005, during the Jeff Gannon/Jim Guckert foofaraw, about how he was a procurer for Rove, who’d throw after-hours twink parties in the WH.

      • Santana999

        It seems that Karl was (allegedly) doing the Duggar with a certain right wing blogger named Jeff Gannon. After (allegedly) making Jeff’s brown eye black and blue, he left his wife. The true mystery here is why any woman would let Rove within 50 yards of her lady parts, let alone marry him.

  • mailman27

    Q: How do you separate the men from the boys in the Republican party?
    A: With a crowbar.

  • cessnadriver

    Maybe Dennie goes by the standard promulgated by Marilyn Manson: You’re not gay if you don’t swallow.

  • Virginia Dreaming

    When Boehner gets caught in a sex scandal, I would guess that he is caught having sex with oompah-loompas in a room decorated like Willy Wonka’s Chocolate Bourbon Factory.

    • Villago Delenda Est

      Candy is dandy, but liquor is quicker

  • Land Shark

    “Dickstein Shapiro”
    Total. Porn. Name.

  • John

    I believe that what he did is now referred to as a “Duggar”.

  • LeftCoastLeftie

    I’ll bet Diddlin’ Denny can still get a pizza or a cake at any good Christian store.

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