SHARE

straight hetero romance classy as shitMove over, Paul Anka. There is a new pro-life anthem in town, and not a minute too soon because “You’re Having My Baby” came out over 40 years ago! Let’s remind ourselves of the glory and perfection that was the song about how Paul Anka is super glad his woman did not put a coathanger to the fruit of his jism:

BOY! That was GREAT!

But is it great enough to be better than this new greatest please-mommy-don’t-bort-me musical sextravaganza from, apparently, Ben Shapiro’s dad? Fuuuuuuuuck no it’s not!

Wait, you are asking, because you don’t come here often, who is Ben Shapiro please? Well, he is a terrible person who is so awful that the night his daughter was born (Molotov, Ben!), he announced her birth with a tweet ragging on President Barack Obama, because PRIORITIES. (Also, he is a bigot, are you just knocked over with surprise?)

So, Ben Shapiro’s dad, who it seems is named “David Shapiro Music,” has a new song about fetal heartbeats and good decent hetero straight women proud of being good-decent-hetero-straight-married to their husbands and it has lots of stock photos of big stretched out veiny bellies what ain’t got no buttons, and multicultural cute babbies and just look at that classy manicure and that classy stubble, that is some sweet sweet straight-hetero romantic stockphoto, right there.

Don’t be the douche who doesn’t watch the video, or you will not be able to weigh in on whether Dok is correct — that “You’re Having My Baby” is still, somehow, ineffably worse — or my contention that this is worse because shut up is why.

$
Donate with CCDonate with CC
  • Ricky Gay

    you had me at shut up

  • FlownOver

    Available only on 78 RPM discs and Edison cylinders

  • bumfug

    I’m convinced “You’re Having My Baby” is worse because
    (a) It actually got played where the general public could hear it, whereas this crap never will, and
    (b) I opened for Paul Anka so I’ve been exposed to where that song came from (Spoiler Alert: It’s the pit of Hell).

    • fergawdssakes

      Never would have figured he was a top.

      • Msgr_Moment

        Another effing Canadistani we should never have let across the border.

  • Celtic_Gnome

    I didn’t watch it. Without viewing it, I know I would never get past the 10-second mark. Oh, and it’s predictable as fuck.

    • JoeChristmas

      What, who doesn’t like schmaltzy, sappy piano intros?

  • cousin itt

    And yet, “She’s Having My Abortion” by Coates and the Hangers gets no love.

    • RevZafod

      I never understood how the ladeez could get them things up in there.

  • Mehmeisterjr

    Ben Shapiro missed an excellent opportunity to rhyme “throw up” with “grow up.”

    EDIT: Oh, I think I misread something. Mr. David Shapiro Music is apparently the author who missed the obvious rhyme (and really, practically everything else.)

  • exinkwretch

    If all copies of the Anka song haven’t been destroyed and the original master tapes launched into the sun, I ask “Why the hell not?” I’m old enough to remember when that POS was soiling the Top 40 airwaves.

    • MOG253

      I was unfortunate enough to be pregnant that summer and EVERYONE I knew thought it was funny to sing it when they saw me. ugh.

  • Little Lulu

    I made it to 51 seconds because I’m in a noisy restaurant and was trying to hear the song on my iPad. Once I was able to get my ear up close enough to hear some of the great lyrics, I shut it off immediately. Let me know if I missed anything wonderful.

  • Jus_Wonderin

    Can it be played backwards?

    • Me not sure

      Turn around and try.

  • Me not sure

    If you can’t polka to it I don’t want to hear it.

  • Callyson
  • TundraGrifter

    All this time I thought it was “Billie Jean” by Michael Jackson.

  • Tallmutha

    Meh, neither of ’em is any Li’l Markie.

    https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7hSK8GmGooM

    • Callyson

      Seeing as how I only made it to nineteen seconds in this video, you may have a point…

      http://img1.wikia.nocookie.net/__cb20120526144048/victorious/images/f/f3/Oh_god_shut_up.gif

      • Tallmutha

        To be fair, you should know that though the video doesn’t show this, Li’l Markie was a Christian ventriloquist’s puppet. That’s why his voice sounds like a helium-huffing duck’s. Part of the reason, anyway.

        • Blank Ron

          Like Little Marcy, but without any decency.

      • baconzgood

        Seeing that that is 2 more seconds than I made it Baconz is impressed. By the way Tallmutha, I want those 17 seconds of my life back!

        • Tallmutha

          Well, Li’l Markie wants his threescore and ten, what about that, hah?

          • baconzgood

            Yeah but Mummy wanted a master’s degree and not to be stuck with the frat boy that gave her a mickey and date raped her after the home coming dance. Ya THink?

            But Hey…..I like Li’l Markie’s earlier stuff when he was in the The Digital Underground. Before he sold out doing all those movies and got involved with the whole E. coast/ W. coast thing, Li’l Makie used be about the music.

    • Blank Ron

      And here it is again.
      Why do you hate me, God?

  • dshwa

    I’ve always taken the “Do not click on the Linky” rule to include “Do not play the video.”

  • bumfug

    “The Best Part Of Me” — too bad they left off the part in parentheses, “(Ran Down My Daddy’s Leg)”.

  • Callyson

    weigh in on whether Dok is correct — that “You’re Having My Baby” is still, somehow, ineffably worse — or my contention that this is worse because shut up is why

    I lasted all of twenty-six seconds before that voice made me bail. I’m with Trix on this one…

    http://i.kinja-img.com/gawker-media/image/upload/s–Vz83FtZA–/c_fit,fl_progressive,q_80,w_320/v9r5wqjlbm5qnlwprjth.gif

  • elviouslyqueer

    The people in that video are so blindingly Caucasian that “A Whiter Shade of Pale” would be a damn sight more appropriate.

    Oh, and the “bride’s” tacky Lee Press-Ons with the cubic zirconium overlays just scream “I Live in a Single Wide held together with Duct Tape and Saran Wrap.”

    • Jen_Baker_VA

      I live in a single wide and there is duct tape holding my window screens in (It’s red army grade duct tape, cause I take my duct tape seriously).

      No one ever gave me a cubic zirconium :(

      • riledupone

        Wrong type of Press-Ons?

    • willi0000000

      in the top photo . . . why are their rings on their right hands?

      [i didn’t dare watch the video]

  • Two things:

    1. No breast feeding pics to counter the awful music in either video.
    2. I owe my urologist a call to thank him for my snippety snip.
    3. Paul Anka gives me the creeps.

    • bikerlaureate

      What a lovely way of saying how much you love me..

    • Villago Delenda Est

      That’s three things. You’d better come in again…

      • HogeyeGrex

        That’s what the snip was for.

  • essbird

    I shall forever hold this against Our Wonkette. See if I trust you again “Don’t be the douche who…” I gotta take a shower or something.

  • BillWestern

    I love my wife and kids, but honestly none of them ever looked as good as the moms and babies in that video. Wife’s back hurt, labor was a total bitch, the stupid kid (once it finally showed up) kept puking n her armpit while breast feeding. It was all great.

    • Blank Ron

      aka the ‘Beautiful Experience’

  • An anthem for children of all ages: https://youtu.be/n0L8mC_T7m8

    • baconzgood

      TOM WAITS AGIN!!!!!!!!! LOVE TOM!

  • dshwa

    I’d rather get Trix’s thrombosed hemorrhoid than assault my earballs with either of those.

    • RevZafod

      For a hefty donation, that could probably be arranged for the next one, and by priority mail, also, too.

  • crowTrobot

    Any new born hearing this is going to try to crawl right back in to escape the horror of this world.

    • Blank Ron

      Plus we may have an explanation for spontaneous abortion.

  • baconzgood

    https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=mTFtjZEeb_k

    Baconz still thinks Arab on Radar has a better song about conception. Or at least I think it’s about conception….But Baconz DOES know that women that like to fuck to music like this are pretty cool.

  • If there’s any one thing my day, nay my life, is missing, it’s songs about heterosexual copulation. I just can’t get enough.

    • baconzgood

      Any one who posts Tom gets props in Baconzgood’s book.
      (I only regret that I have but one upfist go give you)

  • And another favorite at beddybye time: https://youtu.be/mgmzcdrI8YQ

  • dshwa

    How has not one technosavvy wonketter postted “every sperm is sacred” yet?

    • Callyson
    • baconzgood

      Give us Wonkers credit. That’s just toooooo easy. CALLYSON only did it, like a DJ plays the Electric Slide. Callyson didn’t want to post it, but eventually some one had to do it. It was requested. dshwa, you should know better that we don’t hit slow pitch snark here on Wonkette….Unless its about Butt Secksy time or Newt’s divorces.

      • dshwa

        Yeah, but sometimes you gotta go with the classics.

  • FauxyVixen

    Nope, you’re correct; Dok is wrong. This one is infinitely worse.

  • Villago Delenda Est

    Ah, the Virgin Ben. Always good for pointing and mocking.

  • nmmagyar

    I made it to the part where the woman (I hope it is a woman singing) said something about reaching up her vagina to hold hands with the babby.

    • dshwa

      Seriously?

      • nmmagyar

        The lyric was something about looking at the sonogram and wanting to hold the babby’s hand. My interpretation may be somewhat jaded…

        • Steverino247

          So much for sex during pregnancy…

          Honey, did you just grab my…OH MY GOD!!!!

          • cousin itt

            No, honey that’s not my Kegel muscles.

    • Callyson

      “Leave me alone, Mom: I’m busy masturbating!”

  • sosuume

    Listened to three bars and then threw up a little in my mouth.

  • Tallmutha

    I’m actually a little surprised that Ben Shapiro apparently didn’t fall far from the tree. I’d always pictured his parents as some of the most careworn feckless-liberal NPR-listener types on earth, perpetually in grief for the blasted hopes they once held for their unaccountable crotch-fruit.

    • Villago Delenda Est

      Yeah, it’s rather disappointing…you’d hope that someone in that family wasn’t a douche.

  • baconzgood

    WORST MELVINS COVER EVAH!

  • BearGHAZI

    EXCUSE ME I believe we are forgetting “WHY DID YOU KILL ME MOMMY?” By Lil Markie
    https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=nO5dYyrcmVo

    • Tallmutha

      AHEM. I didn’t. This is a better video, though.

    • Blank Ron

      Thank the Lawd, I didn’t have to look this up and post it. If even a piece of ‘music’ was pure, unadulterated evil, it is this one. It violates absolutely every definition of art, and on top of that manages to glue a message on top that is so reprehensible that Lil’ Markie should have been the ‘child’ portrayed in the song, just to prevent him from ever, EVER performing this.

      You may have gathered that I do not care for this piece of Satanic excrement…

  • Villago Delenda Est

    They’re missing the part where the baby is made. I’m sure someone at PornoTube can help out with filling in that detail.

    • Mehmeisterjr

      “NOT You’re Having My Baby, an XXXXXXXXX Parody!”

  • Villago Delenda Est

    OK, after watching that video, I need an emergency insulin shot, because cripes my blood sugar just spiked at better than 400. A treacle tart would be less spikey. No, make that five treacle tarts.

  • Dog Gone

    Ewwwwwwwww. So sickeningly sweet, you could get diabetes, from either song.

    Gestational diabetes that is, of course.

    The lyrics aren’t complete; there’s no stanza about hemorrhoids and butt hole misery.

    • HogeyeGrex

      “You Never Even Called Me By My Name” libel!

  • Enfant Terrible

    The Paul Anka song is worse. “You could have swept it from your life but you wouldn’t do it!” – how romantic, how positive and reassuring! If his partner had aborted, he would have joined a men’s rights pity party.

    The other song – kinda sweet in an Amy Grant sort of way. Like saccharin.

    Also too: “You’re the woman I love and I love what it’s doing to you.”

    Anemia, gestational diabetes, esclampia, ectopic pregnancy – it’s all good!

    • Tallmutha

      ‘Roids.

      • Villago Delenda Est

        Indeed, this ties into the Editrix’s “look what you’ve done to me, Shypixel!” post from last week.

    • Villago Delenda Est

      I have to agree, because the Anka tune has hooks and stuff, and the Shapiro one is sickeningly sweet without any hooks. Utterly forgettable, while the Anka one has the unfortunate tendency to ear worm.

      I need to go to YouTube and hit the Beatles server for a bit to wash that worm right out of my ears.

      “Baby you can drive my car!”

      • Amy!

        “Happiness is a warm gun.
        Bang bang. Shoot shoot.”

        • Villago Delenda Est

          Beep beep beep beep yeah!

          • Querolous

            Remember….

      • MrBlobfish

        Pa-pa-pa-pa-pa-pa-pa-pa-pa-pa-pa-pa-pa-pa-pa-pa
        Pa-pa-pa-pa-pa-pa-pa-pa-pa-pa-pa-pa-pa-pa-ooma-mow-mow
        Papa-ooma-mow-mow

  • dshwa

    I find this post difficult to masturbate to.

    • Enfant Terrible

      Try fapping instead.

    • Tony Rodrigez

      I make this comment on every baby photo that shows up in my Facebook feed. Thank god the new parents are starting to block me.

    • vivian

      Oh, so THAT’S what DNC stands for… Did Not (c’mon now, don’t make me spell it out)

  • Ellis_Weiner

    Sorry, Rebecca, but Anka’s is worse. It’s all about HIM. She’s having his babby because HE’s so great. “You’re having my baby because you love MEEEEEEEE.” Plus, “what’s going through you”? Really?

    Worse, Anka’s doesn’t have the simple human decency to modulate to a different key in cheesy “dramatic” fashion, which the other one at least does. True, the Shapiro song mentions “heart” three times in ONE VERSE, which is impressively bad. And it, like Anka’s, has no real bridge, and is tortuously repetitive.

    But for sheer male narcissism, you’re having to go a long way to beat You’re Having My Baby.

    • dshwa

      “But for sheer male narcissism, you’re having to go a long way to beat You’re Having My Baby”

      I’m Sexy and I Know It Libel

      • Ellis_Weiner

        Maybe. Still, announcing that one, oneself, is sexy, is vain. Announcing that a second party (“you”) are gestating and giving birth to a third party (“baby”) because of how beloved one is oneself, is pathological.

        • Vienna Woods

          Besides, the sexy guy was making fun of it. Anka, not so much.

      • Steverino247

        I’m too sexy for this thread…

  • baconzgood

    In school I used to work at a used record store buying albums and the like. One week I bought (only for my personal collection) 33’s that had bad hair cuts on the covers. Needless to say I got a whole bunch of Paul Anka and Tom Jones albums in my collection.

    http://www.bing.com/images/search?q=paul+anka+album+covers&view=detailv2&&&id=3712E4122C83CB310BCFD23895397517B5683A57&selectedIndex=49&ccid=S9Jt8HjF&simid=608019562641427343&thid=JN.JOkpbet48fxTZL%2bsh%2bPCOQ&ajaxhist=0

    • Mehmeisterjr

      If Donald Trump ever releases an album, you will have the crown of your collection.

      • riledupone

        Please don’t give him any ideas. Weaselhair doesn’t need another microphone.

        • Mehmeisterjr

          Admit it, though. The spectacle of The Donald burping into a microphone, all the time claiming to be hyoooger than Frank Sinatra, Tony Bennett and Jenny Lind combined would be low comedy of the highest order. For the same reason, I wish somebody would whisper into his ear that he is a regular Mikhail Baryshnikov. “Dancing with the Bankruptees,” anyone?

  • Mehmeisterjr

    Judging between the two is difficult, so I think I’ll do a little Solomonic baby-splitting here:

    “You’re Having My Baby” is worse as a song, in that it is perfectly horrible and is a song.

    “The Best Part of Me” is perfectly horrible but isn’t really a song at all, just a random jumble of notes with rambling “lyrics” that seldom even fit the whatever-that-thing-is-that-isn’t-a-tune thing, and prosody be damned.

    I also note that though Paul Anka’s manner is insufferable, he and Ms. Coates could sing at an acceptable level. Jennifer Naimo Morales has intonation problems that make my fillings itch.

    So I vote with Rebecca, though I agree with Doc that “You’re Having My Baby” has created and probably will continue to create more human suffering.

    • Villago Delenda Est

      Anka’s song is pretty much “you are the incubator of my seed”.

      Which is fucking disgusting.

      • nmmagyar

        I get a touch rage-y whenever a babby-daddy talks about childbirth in first person plural terms. “WE” decided on so and so, we delivered naturally, we used new age music instead of all the narcotics ever produced in the history of the universe (which would be my first demand after the first contraction). You may have been the most supportive person that ever lived, but in the actual mechanics of childbirth, you didn’t do shit in that room.

        • willi0000000

          i tell every young father-to-be that they have only a few duties to perform concerning the delivery.

          if she suddenly says something like “UH!” for no apparent reason, call in sick that day.

          do not panic or appear to be panicking . . . be quietly supportive

          get her to the hospital/midwife promptly and safely

          take the abuse during the actual delivery . . . it will be loud, profane and filled with death threats (ignore them)

          provide ‘the sacrificial hand’ . . . being right handed, i sat on the right side of the bed and proffered my left hand to hold if desired . . . my orthopedist tells me that there should only be two more operations and i’ll have 60% function restored and my last kid was about thirty years ago (women in labor are extraordinarily strong)

          congratulate her, after the delivery, on having made the most wonderful, beautiful thing in the universe . . . repeat this at least three times (it will be easy)

      • Mehmeisterjr

        I had a frightening thought. What if Paul Anka had been hired to write lyrics for Stevie
        Wonder? We would have had:

        ♫ You are the breeder for my jizz…. ♫

    • HogeyeGrex

      I am a hardcore autotune(and the various other similar bits) hater. Have been since its debut. That there is a song that would actually be improved by its use, and it pains me to say it.

      It would, of course, be further improved by the use of an incredibly deep hole, for every copy of it to be thrown down. Perhaps also, nuclear fire.

      • Mehmeisterjr

        Perhaps?

  • Ergoetal

    As a musician, I have to say the playing here is — I’ll use a technical term — really shitty. The singer is sort of OK in a small, weepy way. But the others are all over the place.

    My advice — run over to GoFundMe and get some money to buy a groove. Or even lessons.

    • baconzgood

      I would like to hear Con Funk Shun cover this.

      • beatbort

        I would prefer to hear Ted Nugent give it a go…

        • Amy!

          Now I’m imagining the Noodge with a new release: Ted Sings Paul [Anka].

          And I may snort-chuckle myself to death.

    • HogeyeGrex

      The singer is pretty awful as well.

      To quote a producer: “Aside from the pitch, timing and phrasing, that’s great.”

  • baconzgood

    This is the only song I listen to now.

    Sorry it was pretty mostly taken off the interwebz, (even Faux Newz and Youtubz) so you will have to listen to The Young Turks MST3K snarking on it.

    Can our Mistress Rebecca find an old Wonkette post of this travesty,Thank you Ma’am my I have another….and while your at it I will give you money if you can hunt down Wonkbot. Wonkbot owes me $.

    http://wn.com/sarah_palin_song!_hilarious_'battle_hymn

  • Bad Granny

    Read the comments before listening to the song, decided to skip song. I’m not even sorry to say I am that douche.

    • HogeyeGrex

      Never get out of the boat.

  • beatbort

    I think Ben Shapiro is Ralph Wiggum all growed up.
    Sweet.

  • SuspectedDemocrat

    Wow. Somebody found the “Ken Burns Effect” button on their iMovie program.

    • ThatDale

      Not really. It’s the default. Dammit.

  • OooShiny

    Hey has anyone mentioned to frothing fetus fetishists that sonogram results are not actual size? That, just like your car’s side-view mirror but the exact opposite, things in said sonogram are actually much smaller and further away than they appear?

    Hey is that why zygotal zealots call a pea-sized embryo a “child?” Because their spidey spatial senses are all farklempt?

  • Vienna Woods

    I always thought “you’re Having My Baby” was the PERFECT wedding first dance- for the lulz.

    • nmmagyar

      Even better for the Father-Daughter dance.

  • Steverino247

    Okay, you guys asked for it. Mojo Nixon’s Debbie Gibson is Pregnant with My Two Headed Love Child.

    https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=O92QcjT6vDY

    • baconzgood

      We went to a shopping mall and laughed at all the shoppers
      And security guards trailed us to a record shop
      We asked for Mojo Nixon they said, “He don’t work here”
      We said, “If you don’t got Mojo Nixon then your store could use some fixin'”

      -Dead Milkmen – Punk Rock Girl- 1987(?) or 1988 (?)-

  • Guest

    Paul Anklette? Didn’t he do something about robert sox?

    • vivian

      Paul Anka had sex with a robot?

  • OooShiny

    “Havin’ Mah Behbeh” is the most vile vomitorious landfill of lyrical barfology ever conceived (ha!) in the entire history of music, ever.

    Having been around when it was first radio-played nonstop some 40 years ago, I still suffer spontaneous shrieking flashbacks from it.

    If I were to click on that sap-fueled freak-show of a video, I’d not be able to stop myself from suing Paul Anka, his children and his children’s children for a thousand generations into perpetual permanent poverty for his crimes against womanity.

  • OneYieldRegular

    Pardon me for butting in, but if the fetus is “The best part of me,” isn’t that rather Our Bodies, Ourselves and thus in blatant violation of the anti-choice notion of the fetus as God’s perfect pure independent little angel and of the mother as mere vessel/vassal?

  • kaydenpat

    I forgive Paul Anka for those awful lyrics because he’s had other great songs in his lustrous career. First time I’m hearing “You’re Having My Baby”. Dang! So vile.

  • Candy Apple

    I wish someone would Biblesplain to me why it was totally okay for Moses’s men to kill Midianite infants and pregnant women (with fetuses inside them!!) in Numbers 31, but abortion nowadays is The Worst Thing Ever.

    • nmmagyar

      Because Jesus. Obviously.

      • Anarchy Pony

        And sluts gotta pay.

        • Villago Delenda Est

          ALWAYS

        • nmmagyar

          6 of one, half dozen of the other…

    • TheBidenator

      Well, I won’t biblesplain because I’m such a heathen I’ve never read the damned thing but I will fact ‘splain…it’s all thanks to former 1968 Wallace AIP campaign manager Paul Weyrich. Paul Weyrich sold fundies who were (shockingly I know) rather indifferent to ‘bortion but were pissed about desegregation of private Christian academies and the end of prayer in school on abortion to wed them to wingnutty Catholics who were as a niche opposed to abortion thus helping to create the genesis for the nasty amalgam known as the religious right. That’s how abortion became “the worst thing ever”, but it is grounds for a laugh that fundies still haven’t gotten the bibble back into schools, they can’t kick black kids out of their private Christian academies (which became the refuge post Brown v. Board) and ‘bortion is still legal.

    • JoeChristmas

      Shapiro’s Law!

    • riledupone

      Wrong testament?

    • jmk

      He approved it in Judges, also too…as a way to get girls.

  • A Bashful Nobody

    Can. Not. Listen. To. That. Song. Ever. Again.

  • Bill Slider

    When Paul Anka sang that song, Hillary and I were Republicans. I am surprised a white man sang that song with a woman of color. A child born outside of wedlock would destroy the family name. A mixed racial child would have been full-blown treason.

    Ben Shsperio’s song is worse than a jar of salted rat dicks. It’s a piece of shit. It would go well with Bill O’Reilly’s Jesus movie.

  • I saw a stock photo of a black woman, so I’m sure the song takes all perspectives into consideration.

    • Mehmeisterjr

      We must leave that judgment to the ultimate authority, Weekend S. Photo.

  • Me not sure

    Would that be an Anka baby? Damn Messicans.

    • Vienna Woods

      Even worse…. Canadian!

    • bobbert

      Well done.

  • LarryHoudini

    Are you . . . belittling Ben Shapiro?
    WHY DO YOU HATE THE JEWS???

    • nmmagyar

      On Yom Ha’Shoa no less…

  • Kim

    you are right. that is way worse.

  • Tansy Geek

    I made it 3 seconds in and you are so 100% correct. This is awful, middle school level schlock. It’s a parody, right ? Right?!
    Update: there are several more concise reviews below that get to the heart of the argument of which is worse.

    • Enfant Terrible

      Come on! Middle schoolers would mock the living bejesus out of either song.

      • Tansy Geek

        I would hope so, but neither song lends itself easily to fart jokes.

        • Blank Ron

          You clearly don’t remember how innovative middle school boys are.

        • Enfant Terrible

          They are impossible to fap to as well, or so I’ve heard.

  • chascates

    Does the chorus sing about how that unplanned baby will push the mother into poverty or how she’ll now have to stay with an abusive boyfriend? Or is the refrain about how conservative men made it almost impossible to obtain an abortion?

  • TheBidenator

    I’m going to have to go with Anka as being worse even though both are insufferably awful and I had to go listen to Alice in Chains “the Devil Put the Dinosaurs Here” to cleanse my pallet. Here’s why: both are technically very shitty songs, and both are self indulgent garbage BUT people have actually heard of Anka’s travesty while Shapiros ear diarrhea will likely only be heard by idiots who subscribe to Benny boy and they deserve such a shitty song being foisted on them anyway…

  • say wha

    If that thing is “music” we will need a new definition for music.

    • Enfant Terrible

      Interesting thing about music. For perceptive ears, it is impossible to co-opt musical expression. When someone tries to make music into propaganda, the end result is always jarring and wrong.

  • RevZafod

    OK, everyone, put the bleach away. Here’s what you REALLY need as a cleanser.

    https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=k01EIW9TciU

  • sillyclucker

    I listened to the stupid song because you bullied me into it. Now I have the diabeetus. Thanks Wonkette.

  • Vienna Woods

    Ok, I broke down and watched it. Saccharine sweet, and SHOULD be a parody, and that IS a mighty fine stock photo collection, but sorry, Anka wins the contest hands-down. I hated that song with a fierce passion 40 years ago, and I still do today. Just as bad- “My Best friend’s wife is the love of my life, and I don’t know what to doooo about it.” Ottawa, hang your head in shame.

    • riledupone

      Ottawa has EVER so much more to apologise for.

  • Drew Miner

    Art is aftermath, the best part of the song is what is born in your mind as you open your mouth to sing. The peak of the drawing is just before ink meets page. So obviously, the winner here is the Shapero work. Fully formed, in the image of a placenta, glistening and wet and high in saturated fats. Inviting the listener along on a musical journey of being cast in a medical waste bin, already partially filled with used syringes, only later to be found by wild dogs.

    • OrdinaryJoe

      “Shapiro’s art is afterbirth…..”

      Fixed.

    • MrBlobfish

      Not so much a musical journey as a musical rummaging through your recycling bin on garbage night.

  • MrBlobfish

    let me say that I can pull a better song out of my ass. With Anka, I can at least laugh. That Shapiro malarkey is nothing but unmemorable.

  • Dolmance

    Wait, Jesus, you’re telling me, there’s a woman out there who let Ben Shapiro all up in her pussy?

    Horrifying.

  • Albert Cornelius Doyle

    If anybody remembers Richard Pryor, then “the best part of me” lends itself to immediate punchlines. As in, “the best part of me ran down your Daddy’s leg”, “the best part of me got caked on the mattress”, “the best part of me dribbled out before I was ready”. Wait…those don’t make any sense at all. Never mind.

  • Donna Rail

    “I thought I saw fingers.”

    The what? What did you think would be there, antlers?

    • Thatsit Fortheotherwon

      Dew claws.

  • CptnSpldng

    Here’s the antidote to both of them: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=VyeMNCWgDHA

    • Boscoe

      YESSS! There are not enough upfists in the universe to adequately acknowledge your awesomeness for posting a Zappa palette cleanser…

    • WITH A SPINDLE UP MY BUTT TILL IT MAKES ME SCREAM

      • Thatsit Fortheotherwon

        I can’t take about an hour
        Of Paul Anka showers

  • Ricky Gay

    Just found this on the interwebs. It almost improves upon that Shapiro tune. Uncanny!!!

    https://vid.me/L25d

  • mampdx

    Classy that the woman’s hand in the first stock photo sports a porn star manicure. Let’s not even discuss the anemic attempt at lyrics. Gaacck.

  • Squirrels05

    When the fetus no longer needs the womb to live, only then can Ben make it his offspring.

  • Squirrels05

    It’s hilariously narcacisstic to crow about a process that happens millions upon millions of times to the earthlings.

    Ben’s dribble is special, huh?

  • old_redneck

    So, Wonkette, when do you post YOUR ultrasound??? Nosy neighbors want to know.

    • Squirrels05

      We want your babby.

    • riledupone

      I personally promise not to curse the Wonkbabby through the ultrasound pic.

    • SecludedCompound

      Yes, it’s never too soon to serve up pictures of your precious little ones to this rabble. Perfectly good idea!

  • RoniOh

    I saw the porn-star fingernails and immediately expected her to trade in her lady points in a bj scene with the pizza delivery guy. So bitterly disappointed.

    (First time commenter – please be nice. Or not. Hey, I like to live dangerously.)

    • Thatsit Fortheotherwon

      New or not, if you like porn you’ll get along fine here.

  • Incoming Ham

    I am Incoming Ham, and I am a big giant douche.

  • MJVD

    Sorry — Anka is still worse. People actually heard that one, by like listening to the radio. This one, they’ll only hear on Wonkette or maybe LifesiteNews. But there’s also this, as an antidote to both: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=o1TT0yVTlRg

    • Boscoe

      LOL okay, I only made it to 0:38, so I guess this is actually nearly three times as bad! SCIENCE!

  • AnOuthouse

    Two words. Cock. Tail.
    Need some now

  • Mehmeisterjr

    Shouldn’t there be a version of Anka’s masterpiece rewritten from the viewpoint of a hydrophobic rodent?

    “You’re Having My Rabies”

  • Alex Grey

    4th trimester and beyond abortion only! Everyone knows god looks the other way at that point.

    • nmmagyar

      4th to 51st (if my math is correct). After that you can legally just kick them out of the house.

      • Alex Grey

        Or shoot accidentally discharge, your gun at them…

  • Boscoe

    I only made it to 1:35. Does that make me a terrible person? Also, when she started to sing about “I thought I saw fingers” I flashed back to the scene in The Thing where they’re dissecting the monster remains and Wilford Brimley says: “…That’s not dog…”

    I’m a terrible person.

  • DahBoner

    Yeah, the best part of me are my germ cells.

    Because they only contain half of my DNA. Randomly selected…

    http://i.telegraph.co.uk/multimedia/archive/02048/woody-allen_2048614c.jpg

  • handyhippie65

    ha ha, suckers! i learned from your mistakes and didn’t listen to the song. a smart person learns from their mistakes. a wise person learns from the mistakes of others. or mebbe my ADD got the best of me. sometimes it’s hard to tell.

  • blaid droog

    my Gastroenterologist has warned me repeatedly to avoid anything that may make me puke. I decided not to risk watching the video. also too the paul anka video.

  • hvdv

    No contest. Unlikely as it may seem, this crap is WORSE SO MUCH WORSE than the Anka monstrosity.

  • NotALiar

    Those fucking fake hi hats were NOT in time with the shit piano.

  • NotALiar

    Ok at end she isn’t even singing in time with the out of time fake drums and piano. Fuck.

    • Alex Grey

      Focus on the kittens… You will feel better when you see kittens…

      • Axomamma

        Thank you. Only heard five seconds of it but I will now have to look at lots of kittens and break out the bourbon.

        • Thatsit Fortheotherwon

          Ehem, Friday is Martini day.

  • geoffalnutt

    I cannot wait for the Broadway musical! All the actors dressed as fetuses in a giant kick-line (ala The Rockettes). I’m trembling at the thought….”2, 3, 4…….”

    • Alex Grey

      Maybe there can also be people dressed as birth control pills…

  • Axomamma

    OMG. How could anyone make it past the five second mark without vomiting? Rebecca, you are a masochist AND a sadist.

    • RumAddled

      i made i 51 seconds before my hand involuntarily muted my PC.

      • jmk

        I got 1:06 into it before I fought my way through the dry heaves to turn it off.

  • DahBoner

    Can’t she wear camo with no bra, not shave her legs and armpits and wear combat boots..

    Like all those Teabagger “feminists” defending our freedoms down on the border in Texas?
    http://media.giphy.com/media/KhvnSoYPbKhZm/giphy.gif

  • Us olds were warned back in the day “don’t eat the brown acid”. Not everyone got the message and it’s effects are still being felt today in republican politics.

  • Paperless Tiger

    How about a round of draconian legislation for the little lady.

  • mondojohnson

    She’s havin’ Weekend S. Photo’s baby! What a lovely way of telling how much she loves him.

  • BadExampleMan

    I can never keep my Bens straight – is this Box Turtle Ben or Virgin Ben?

  • Froggage

    Wow, he knocked up Jenna Jameson, because that is a porn manicure fer sure.

    • Guest

      and maybe this is my phone, but why do so many of us have the Calvin-in-a-bag avatar?

      • Thatsit Fortheotherwon

        Upload a different pic of Calvin to your profile.

  • 1ucille_bluth1

    That song is perfect the way it is! The syrupy-sweet voice, making sure to pronounce every word very clearly… and no rhymes! You know a song is great when nothing rhymes.

    • ryanmrichardson

      And that elevator muzak backing tape!

  • Thatsit Fortheotherwon

    Never argue with a pregnant lady, Dok.
    Particularly one who happens to be your boss.

  • timpundit

    Nope. “The first time I heard you…” and then I am done. Maybe that’s unfair but oh well.

  • Jeff Furlington

    So I guess it’s not Ben’s fault that he’s a stupid bigot. He was raised by morons.

  • SecludedCompound

    “Next time I saw you /
    I thought I saw fingers”
    Has to be the worst lyric I’ve ever heard.

  • TrufflePig58

    Sorry, Dok, I can only stand about a minute and a half of this drivel. But I think I can vote on which is worse, this or “Having my baby”. HMB is clearly worse because it is competent and somewhat catchy. You can’t just switch it off as an amateurish piece of crap. It’s worse because it’s sung from the male perspective, that the woman is “having my baby” as “wonderful way of showing how much she loves me”. It’s worse because they played it on the radio. A lot.

    And once again I leave you with this Paul Anka cover for your amusement/horror. Click through, you know you want to. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RM_xvTaYavw

    • edith prickly

      I’m going to be an ornery little shit and defend Anka, just because. HMB is maudlin claptrap but it’s a competent pop song and I think it came from a sincere (if misguided) place. And that gospel singer has some wicked pipes, even if they’re being wasted here. OTOH, “The Best Part of Me” is straight-up antiabortion propaganda and so terrible nobody with a choice (see what I did there?) would give it a second listen.

  • UnsaltedSinner

    I don’t think either really reaches its full pro-life potential. I mean, imagine if there had been a surprise twist in the last verse:

    “And to think that this baby
    wouldn’t even exist
    if that guy hadn’t raped me!
    Praise the Lord for this gift.”

    Now that would have been powerful stuff.

Previous articleEighth-Grader’s Class Picture Photoshopped Because It Had F-Word On It (‘Feminist’)
Next articleHillary Clinton Beats Up Crippled Children, Takes Their Candy And Parking Space