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What a thrilled zookeeper that must be, peeping in the background!

Move over, all you other panda dudes who think you’re hot shit or something. This Chinese panda bear studmuffin has set a whole new sex record that will leave you feeling downright flaccid and Not Good Enough. His name is Lu Lu, and all the panda ladies and the gay panda bois can’t stop talking about him because, according to the Daily Mail, he fucked this one panda, name of Zhen Zhen, for seven minutes and forty-five seconds, which is a very long time for panda sex!

Now everybody calls him “The Enduring Brother,” due to how long he gave Zhen Zhen the D. Oh, and apparently because panda bears have no Christian morals, they were competing with another couple at the time:

The pair were pitted against another couple of pandas, Yi Bao and Jin Xin, who only managed one minute and 20 seconds of love-making.

The average length of a ‘romp’ between two pandas is between 30 seconds and five minutes, making Lu Lu’s efforts all the more impressive.

Ha ha, Yi Bao and Jin Xin are LOSERS, what are they, teenagers or something? Let Lu Lu show you how a REAL man does it.

The Daily Mail points out that Lu Lu’s little edging game clocks in at “longer than the average American man in bed,” like they’re trying to make some kind of joke at the Americans’ expense. We are SO SURE the Brits are so much better at sex than Americans. Totally convinced.

So, doggie-stylin’ pandas, that’s what’s up:

Say my name!

But don’t think it was just all one thing, no way, that is not how Lu Lu got his reputation as the greatest panda lover in all the world. Lu Lu knows that ladies like VARIETY, so he was all like “hey my turn on the bottom, Zhen Zhen,” and she was all “they see me ridin’, they hatin'”:

pandaride

If you’re not overcome by all the sexxxytimes, the Daily Mail provides a little explainer on how the zookeepers do all the foreplay for the pandas. NO, NOT THE GROSS WAY YOU’RE THINKING:

They use poles made of bamboo to guide the pandas towards each other, when they have tracked when the pandas are in the amorous mood.

The female of the species are prone to making loud and strange noises, while male pandas leave traces of their scent to attract the opposite sex.

See, that’s normal. The zookeeper is like Lu Lu’s wingman. He figures out when Zhen Zhen is DTF, and then he makes sure they start talking to each other, with his bamboo stick. Science takes care of the rest.

So well done, Lu Lu, you know how to love your lady right.

Watch the NSFW panda barebacking porno, below, with Chinese news report voiceovers:

[Daily Mail]

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  • Lot_49

    Translation must be wrong. Clearly that stud Lu Lu is called “Enduring Member.”

    Or perhaps, as they call me down at the art museum, “Sustaining Member.”

  • Zippy

    My Wonkville headline was better

    • Lot_49

      Pretty sure a porn producer has already optioned your hed.

      • Zippy

        I’m betting it would be hard to find one that they haven’t

        (emphasis on hard)

  • Zippy

    so which one is named Schwing Schwing?

  • MrBlobfish

    Showoff.

    • Do some pushups, Pablo…maybe it will go away.

      • HarryButtle

        That’s one of my favorite lines. My colleagues are now wondering why I can’t sop giggling.

  • Skwerl King

    Panda Porn! Love it.

  • Zippy

    Teddy Fuxpin

  • janecita

    I just want to know how long the average British man last in bed.

    • Less time than it takes to write this sentence.

      • janecita

        Oh well, there goes my Ralph Fiennes, Colin Firth ménage á trois fantasy.

        • jmk

          Get in line…

        • Biel_ze_Bubba

          You might get eight minutes, if you have enough of them.

  • Adrian

    Two Shades of Gray

    • Beaumarchais?

      This deserves many more upfistings than it’s getting.

      • Weldon Thomas

        Panda(r)ing!

  • Steverino247

    Is this supposed to make up for Ted Nugent?

    • Watching Lu Lu make sweet panda love to Ted would make up for Ted Nugent.

      • Zippy

        only if Ted is strapped to the hood of his car face down with his pants around his ankles

        • schmannity

          Hey, that was Plan B for the Draft Board.

          • Virginia Dreaming

            Never gonna happen, not even draft boards get that desperate.

      • Virginia Dreaming

        Never gonna happen, not even Pandas get that desperate.

  • docterry6973

    EIGHT MINUTES? Are they machines or what?

    • Zippy

      They’ve been listening to Beary White

      • Anarchy Pony

        I can no longer bear these bear puns.

        • BloviateMe

          It’s become a pandamic.

          • Querolous

            Pandabonium Ensues (with the Fluffers)

        • Toomush_Infer

          It’s the hir suit….

        • It’s panda moaning, uhm…

  • memzilla

    Panda Viagra is my next band name.

  • cousin itt
    • JoeChristmas

      Do that to me one a hundred more times

  • Zippy
    • Villago Delenda Est

      This guy is a state legislator in Texas, is he not?

  • Of course British sex lasts longer, what with taking time out for tea and thinking about the Queen.

    • Rabbit_Rebozo

      Actually, thinking about the Queen is a sure-fired boner-killer.

      • sw19womble

        Also Margaret Thatcher, too, as well.

        • Rabbit_Rebozo

          Lordy, that’s enough to drive you to a monastery! Or a convent, depending on your proclivities.

          • Zippy

            or an asylum…

      • Beaumarchais?

        Well then think about Prince Harry. That’s why they have a whole family!

      • Biff52

        As a kid, I spent a lot of time at my grandmother’s house. My loyalist, Anglophile grandmother’s house. With a picture of Queen Elizabeth in my bedroom. Fapping was difficult, but not impossible.

        • cbts

          Thanks for the chuckle.

    • sw19womble

      Some other countries like to whack off really quickly, because apparently it’s more exciting if you rush through it – especially for the people paying good money to watch. However, when you’re doing it properly – the time-honoured English way that our grandparents and great grandparents and Queen Victoria did it – it lasts five days. Although some days are lost to rain and it can all peter out into an honorable draw.

      Oh wait, sorry, I thought we were talking about cricket. My bad. :/

      • Beaumarchais?

        For some, it’s the same thing.

        • jmk

          I guarantee that if my beloved’s interest ever flags, I could rekindle it in no time at all by just whispering about overs and googlies and leg before wicket.

      • bobbert

        Wait. Silly mid-off is a cricket position?

        • sw19womble

          It’s the googlies you’ve got to watch out for.
          All in the wrist action!

  • 8 minutes? Lu Lu…what’s you’re secret?

    • drbloor

      He works out cricket batsman statistics in his head while he’s hammering away.

    • Zippy

      Ancient Chinese secret

    • Enfant Terrible

      This one weird trick.

    • Gleem-McShinez

      NOW YOU KNOW!

  • I’m impressed. I sure wouldn’t last 8 minutes if you had me locked in a cage with people watching.

    • Zippy

      go on…

    • Anarchy Pony

      It’d be difficult just to get it up.

    • ryp

      How about if panda’s were watching.

      • Beaumarchais?

        Hubba, hubba! You wouldn’t BELIEVE how expensive it is to set this up!

  • cousin itt

    Is Zhen Zhen barely legal? Asking for “Ted”.

    • Zippy

      Bearly legal, also too

  • The wife and I have a date tomorrow night. I’m going to go buy some bamboo shoots. It can’t hurt.

  • Joel Abrams

    Evan, I say this with love; you need to date more. If you got a fella
    get him to take you out; if you need a fella STEP AWAY FROM THE PANDA
    PORN and get yourself out there. We just want you to be happy.

  • cousin itt

    And now on BBC 69, Sir David Attenborough presents “Fucking Planet.”

    One is always grateful for the delightful shagging one receives from Nature’s own Stud Panda. I think we can all fap with the great beasts now.

    • Rabbit_Rebozo

      “Animal Planet: Amazingly Human.”
      “Fucking Planet: Fucking Amazing.”

    • Lot_49

      They don’t call them “charismatic megafauna” for nothing.

    • Steverino247

      National Pornographic Explorer (from HBO’s Hardcore TV)

  • Bill Slider

    Best porno ever.

  • SayItWithWookies

    Of course he’s gonna go for eight minutes — you name a boy panda Lu Lu and he’s gonna have a lot to prove. In fact, it migt just solve the pandas’ reproduction crisis if conservationists gave all the guy pandas girl names — they’d all go running around fucking every female panda they could find just to prove that being named Hsi Hsi wasn’t a reflection of their character.

    • Rabbit_Rebozo

      My daddy left home when I was three
      And he didn’t leave much to ma and me
      Just this old guitar and an empty bottle of booze.
      Now, I don’t blame him cause he run and hid
      But the meanest thing that he ever did
      Was before he left, he went and named me “Lu Lu”

      • Steverino247

        My name is Lu Lu
        How do you do?
        Now, we’re gonna fuck for eight minutes!

  • schmannity

    Needs more James Brown “Sex Machine” as background music.

    • Me not sure

      And a hot tub.

  • drbloor

    Lu Lu seems very phallocentric. Not much tongue pleasuring or other foreplay going on there for Zhen Zhen.

    /Desperate face-saving rationalizing.

  • sw19womble

    PANDA EXPRESS LIBEL!!!!!!!!!

  • Callyson
  • dslindc

    Great, now they’ll want to get married too! Thanks Obama and gays!

    • Pam Rukiddingme

      GASP! You mean they AREN’T married already? HEATHENS!

  • Sheepshagger

    This is what Ricky Santorum warned you about! Gay men with panda porn. It’s signs and wonders folks. And by the way it’s a sin for a panda to enjoy sex.

  • Me not sure

    Unfortunately, according to traditional Chinese medicine, in order for this to happen Lu-Lu would have had to have eaten a whole bowl of tiger penis soup.

  • Paperless Tiger

    “That hit the spot,” said Zhen Zhen.

  • Esteban Rey

    The music is killing my Sexy Panda times.

  • Enfant Terrible

    Now, don’t just roll over and go to sleep, Lu Lu.

  • Virginia Dreaming

    When contacted, Rick Santorum expressed outrage that they were not using the missionary position. His wife just sighed wistfully.

  • Toomush_Infer

    Almost eight minutes?!!!! Don’t tell Mrs. Toomush!….

  • a_pink_poodle

    I’d die after 8 minutes.

  • TS Idiot

    I once watched an orangutan lying on his lazy, blissed out orangutan ass, arms behind his head and smile on his face, having a go with his lady orang friend at the zoo (she frankly looked bored beyond belief). The school kids there were either busting a gut laughing or unsure what was going on while the adults with them were beyond embarrassed and trying to get them to move on.

    • Pam Rukiddingme

      Try taking a group of 3 & 4 year old to the zoo to see/hear giant tortoises going at it and trying to explain that shit. I was quick of the wit and say they were playing a turtle game of leap frog. then we had to send a note home saying the kids saw turtles playing leap frog, take that for it is, it was all we could come up with at the moment.

      • Blank Ron

        Wouldn’t it technically be leap-turtle?

      • HarryButtle

        The tortoises are ALWAYS going at it.

        Best zoo sex I’ve seen? Rhinos. Talk about a humbling experience…hung like a redwood and enough stamina to keep it up for more than an hour.

        • mailman27

          Not to be confused with RINO’s.

        • [img]http://images.coveralia.com/audio/f/Faith_No_More-Songs_To_Make_Love_To_%28CD_Single%29-Frontal.jpg

          • HarryButtle

            That’s why I’m easy

      • Hanging out at the zoo, elephant takes a huge leak. That was… well… impressive…

      • laineypc

        “They are mating. Making baby turtles.” problem solved.

        • Pam Rukiddingme

          Yeah, not saying that to kids who aren’t mine, especially at that age, and considering this was a Church run preschool. I’m sure most of the kids, who are now 14 & 15 STILL haven’t heard how babies are made, from mom and dad anyway.

  • TootsStansbury

    Bow chicka wowow

    ETA Lu Lu needs to be sporting a polyester yellow tie with Dollar signs on it. A nice manly mustache would be good too.

    • Villago Delenda Est

      John Bolton mustache?

      • TootsStansbury

        Ew.

  • YourMom

    And the big ol’ grin on the male panda’s face. Too funny.

  • MrBlobfish

    All I wanna do izza Lu Lu Lu in the Zhen Zhen.

  • tegrat

    Almost makes we want to go furry. I said almost.

  • say wha

    That’s nothing. These two guys have been f**cking all of America since the 80’s.

  • JoeChristmas

    I find this post easy to fap to.

    • laineypc

      See, gay marriage is doing exactly what the bible thumpers predicted.

  • Pam Rukiddingme

    So pandas are basically teenage boys. Wham bam oh shit is is over?

  • HarryButtle

    Black on white porn! With a little caning thrown in for you spanking aficionados.

    • Rabbit_Rebozo

      For more hot black-white/white-black action, tune in next week:

  • weejee

    So the sixty minute man is just a legend?

    • Beaumarchais?

      And I always thought this was a patriotic song about Bunker Hill: “Sixty Minutemen.”

      But then I thought some Hendrix songs were gay anthems.

      • Villago Delenda Est

        ” ‘Scuse me while I kiss this guy”

  • Weldon Thomas

    Why don’t we do it in the zoo, like the giant panda do.

  • Metadude

    Beats Republicans and their chicken fucking marathon!

    • sillyclucker

      Hey! Enough of that!

  • Jerry Noneofyourbizz

    I saw the weirdest animal in a tree this morning. I could not figure out what the hell that things was only to discover it was two squirrels fucking!

    • Celtic_Gnome

      I’ve seen ducks fucking. It is somewhat weird.

    • Villago Delenda Est

      “WTF is going on on top of Donald Trump’s head?”

      • Mehmeisterjr

        The best thing that could happen to Donald Trump’s head would be to have two ducks fucking on top of it. It would draw attention away from his hair.

    • bobbert

      He’d love to be called “Two Squirrels Fighting”.

  • Mehmeisterjr

    ♫ Gotta get myself a bamboo shoot,
    Gotta get a furry panda suit,
    ‘Cause tonight Zhen Zhen looks mighty cute,
    Lu Lu’s back in town. ♪

  • Villago Delenda Est

    You know, the ability to sustain the sex act for a long period of time IS considered to be very studly in East Asian cultures.

  • SnarkOff

    Um, you know, maybe they could last longer if there wasn’t some guy watching them.

    • Villago Delenda Est

      I saw some amazing things in Bangkok when I was visiting. One has to appreciate the male performers being able to keep focused on the performance.

  • dshwa

    That’ no butterstick there, nosiree

    • Villago Delenda Est

      Ernst Röhm libel!

      • dshwa

        I thought he was going for Eva Braun.

        • Mehmeisterjr

          I thought he was going for Scott Brown with a touch of Thousand Year kink.

    • Laughing…no fucking way? Laughing Laughing Laughing. Really? Laughing laughing…please let it be true.

    • That looks shooped. I can tell from some of the pixels, and from having seen quite a few shoops in my time. It’s the equivalent of the Al Franken / David Vitter babyfur photo.

  • Apparently, this is how you say BOW CHICKA WOW-WOW in Chinese: 薄 吃 卡 哇噢 哇噢

  • JohnnyZhivago2

    Sign translation:

    If this cage is a rockin don’t come a knockin

  • gedjcj

    So I said something the other day about enjoying Evan’s prose but not getting his point. This post has not clarified anything for me.

  • Biel_ze_Bubba

    OK . . . but I still don’t get this whole “furries” thing.

    • Mehmeisterjr

      To be fair, pandas don’t get the whole “unfurries” thing.

  • Msgr_Moment

    This is nice and all, but where are my kittens?!?!

  • ButchWagstaff

    8 minutes?! 8 minutes!? I’d have to call in sick the next day.

  • Serolf Divad

    Why do I have to come to Wonkette to read this? Fuckin’ New York Times, “all the news that’s fit to print,” my ass!

  • actor212

    Meh. I fucked a panda once for twenty minutes.

    I was drunk and QUIT JUDGING ME!

  • Rabbit_Rebozo

    If you’re panda’s erection lasts more than nine minutes, consult a physician.

  • Nuke90210

    So was this day a slow day at the Wonkette office?

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