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Rainbows and unicorns also good for treating diseases

You know how vaccinations give your kids overnight mental retardation and turn your daughters into whores and sometimes even kill them? No, you don’t, because none of that is true.

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But some place on the interwebs called Health Impact News, which claims to cover “stories that impact your health, but that the mainstream media seldom covers” — like how vaccines are not as safe for you as THEY want you to think, but Virgin Coconut Oil is a great treatment for Alzheimer’s — has this breathless report of “one more dead girl” whose foolish mother did not subscribe to the Health Impact News newsletter before it was too late. It’s a top story, in fact the top story, at Health Impact News “this Week”:

The sudden death of a 12-year-old girl in Waukesha, Wisconsin, just hours after receiving the HPV Gardasil vaccine has shocked the girl’s family, and sent local media out asking questions as to how this could happen. Here is a report from WISN 12 News.

Click that link to the report if you want to give your fingers some exercise, but the “content is no longer available,” maybe because the top story “this Week” about how scary vaccines will kill your daughters was published on August 11, 2014, before the medical examiner had a chance to complete her autopsy of 12-year-old Meredith Prohaska.

Guess what we learned BACK IN OCTOBER:

A much-touted vaccine given to teens and preteens to prevent cancers caused by a sexually transmitted virus did not cause or contribute to the death of a 12-year-old Waukesha girl whose mother found her unresponsive in their home on July 30, the Waukesha County medical examiner said.

Diphenhydramine intoxication — ingestion of a lethal level of an antihistamine — caused the death of Meredith Prohaska, though the manner of death is undetermined, Medical Examiner Lynda Biedrzycki said in a prepared statement.

“There is no evidence that any vaccination caused or contributed to her death,” Biedrzycki said.

That didn’t compel Health Impact News to update or change its breathless story, though, which insisted that some schmuck “doctor” from the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention had claimed death by vaccine is “very rare and about 1 out of a million.” But what does he know?

Assuming that there is some data to back up the claim of only “1 out of a million,” how many doses of the HPV vaccine are administered every year? According to the latest statistics (July 2014) published by the U.S. Department of Health and Human Services here (page 7), over 9 million per year. So the government admits that at least 9 girls per year are killed by the HPV vaccine.

Of course, only an idiot would assume “there is some data” to back up claims made by the sketchy and untrustworthy Centers for Disease Control and Prevention, which is always telling lies about vaccines and disease, which of course the lazy or possibly nefarious mainstream media further perpetuates:

These local news media, possibly covering the HPV vaccine for the first time, were all quick to interview and provide links to the official CDC view of the vaccine. But here are some other facts regarding the vaccine that they failed to disclose, probably because they did not take the time to look outside of the standard government response to events like this, or their station managers did not allow them to give any other news outside of what the CDC claims.

Instead of deleting or correcting its story, Health Impact News is still featuring it on its front page, along with this “recent news” story, published March 4, 2015, that does not specifically reference the blatantly debunked story about how Meredith Prohaska died, but it uses lots of science-y words and even some graphs to explain how “every time a vaccine injured person eats certain foods there is the potential for a chronic anaphylactic histamine reaction from mild to severe.”

So if you want to put together some of the information currently available on Health Impact News’s website, you could conclude that 12-year-old Meredith was a “vaccine injured person” who ate the wrong kinds of foods, which led to her death, so sure, she was killed by a vaccine after all!

Is the author of this amazing scientific discovery a scientist of any kind? Not exactly:

Cynthia Janak is a freelance journalist, mother of three, foster mother of one, grandmother of five, business owner, Chamber of Commerce member. Her expertise is as an administrative professional. Her specialties are adoptee and genealogy research and research journalism.

Plus, she notes, all of her science-y information “has been extracted from peer reviewed studies and articles.” So you have no reason to question her “shocking” report. Plus, if you’re one of those parents who has “meditated on it a lot” and decided to question all of the indisputable long-standing science that you should absolutely vaccinate your children, Health Impact News also provides plenty more non-CDC information to help you “do your own research.”

Or you could decide to not be an idiot and listen to the real medical experts — like Dr. Anne Schuchat, director of the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention’s National Center for Immunization and Respiratory Diseases, who testified before the Senate HELP committee in February.

Dr. Schuchat assured Sen. Elizabeth Warren and the rest of America that no, none of the rumors about vaccines are true; yes, they are perfectly safe and you should absolutely definitely vaccinate your children if you actually want to protect them from real things that can kill them; and good god, people, stop being idiots, stop arguing, and just vaccinate your kids.

[Health Impact News/Journal Sentinel]

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  • AngryBlakGuy

    …I’ll just leave this right here:

  • Zippy

    Those albino unicorns are seriously rare

  • OneYieldRegular

    Her expertise is as an administrative professional.

    Sounds like the perfect person to entrust with dispensing life or death health advice.

    • weejee

      Hey! Even more than corporations, file clerks are people too!

  • Toomush_Infer

    See, in real life there are these “other mitigating consequences”, if, for instance, not taking this vaccine meant that hundreds of girls would die horribly from cancer, there is a “net gain” in life….of course we all are going to die eventually, and many of us ( me included) are “probably” going to hell…

    • Painter of Goats

      re: going to hell

      *shrugs* I’d rather laugh with the sinners than cry with the saints

      • Toomush_Infer

        I suspect it’s a hell of my own choosing, but who am I to judge?…

  • exinkwretch

    Mental retardation is tragic, but it does not prevent someone from leading a successful, fulfilling life — say being elected to Congress from Minnesota and having a not-gay husband. We have proof of that.

    • just_jim

      That’s a successful, fulfilling life? Look at the eyes of your hypothetical example, and you see the eyes of someone with no meaning in her life.

  • Spotts1701

    So if someone gets the HPV vaccine, but then gets run over by a bus after leaving the clinic, do they count as someone “killed” by vaccination?

    • Oh absolutely! As does falling down the steps of the clinic and breaking your neck, taking a few shots of alcohol and going off the road at high speed into a tree, and … (fill in your choice).

    • whatwhomever

      Obviously. If you did your own research, you’d know this. That’s just science.

      • Vecchiojohn

        Not just any old science, either. Peer-reviewed science, which is the best kind there is.

        • HogeyeGrex

          Next best is Shitter-reviewed.

        • Toomush_Infer

          I prefer Peon-reviewed…

    • WA Bishop

      As long as being killed “by” vaccination is the same thing as being killed “near” vaccination.

    • BrinKennedy

      Sadly, sorta. There’s an organization – I don’t recall who it is or what their report is called – that tracks all deaths and injuries of people who have received vaccines. Anti-vaxxers love to point to it as evidence that people are dying from vaccines left and right. Only problem is, this group tracks every death and injury, regardless of cause. Their site has a disclaimer that says this, that one cannot assume that the recorded deaths/injuries were caused by vaccines – but the anti-vaxxers kinda gloss over that.

  • JMPesq

    How many times will it take until the idiots learn that correlation does not equal causation? Grr.

    • I think the definition of “idiot” is “fails to learn. Ever.”

      • ArgieBargie

        And “Jenny McCarthy.”

        • just_jim

          So close!

          Definition of “idiot” is “fails to learn. Ever.”

          Picture next to definition “Jenny McCarthy.”

    • Vecchiojohn

      Oh yeah? Well just remember this, Mr. Smarty-Pants So-Called “Intellectual.” Where there’s smoke, there’s fire! Huh? Huh? Answer me that!

    • Tendernob

      But… global warming doesn’t exist because it snowed somewhere on the East Coast today! LOGICS!

  • nmmagyar

    Connect the dots sheeple! The Slut-Shot causes Benadryl addiction and OD’s!!!!!!

    • RoyalUglyDude

      ISWYDT

  • AngryBlakGuy

    …just some statistics for “Anti Vax” Mom:

    -Chicken Pox: 7% mortality rate
    -Measles: has up to a 10% mortality without complications and up to 20% with complications
    -Polio: has a 10% mortality rate

    The point is, a .0000001%(or 1 in a million) chance of having an adverse reaction to a vaccination is better than nothing. The crazy thing is, these pathogens have nothing on the really nasty bugs that are out there. Bubonic Plague has a 30% mortality rate and hemmorragic fevers(like Ebola) spike up to 80% mortality rates. In closing STFU and get your little goblins vaccinated!!!!

    • TeenLaQueefa

      Anti Vax Mom should be investing heavily in lottery tickets.

    • I wonder if mom realized that every time she puts her precious snowflake in the car to take to soccer practice, they have a 1:120 chance of getting in a car accident? Yet, 1:1,000,000? Too risky. Better rely on baking soda, bleach, and the bible to get little snowflake through puberty.

      • Shan

        “Better rely on baking soda, bleach, and the bible to get little snowflake through puberty.”

        And to to get them to soccer practice.

  • Lot_49

    These people are as resistant to reason as petro-state pols are when presented with incontrovertible evidence of climate change.

    But at least with the world’s Inhoffs you can understand the self-interest that creates the hypocrisy. What the hell’s wrong with these anti-vaxxers who profess to love children so much? Do they think that taking preventive medicine will make them more receptive to evolution and therefore atheists?

    Can’t understand it.

    • Blank Ron

      Some of ’em are touting ‘alternative’ ‘medicine’ and don’t want the competition.
      The rest… well, let’s go with brain-dead.

    • willi0000000

      oddly enough, evolution will take care of some of these idiots . . . unfortunately it will be done by killing off their innocent children.

  • runfastandwin

    Lemme get this straight – you want “people” to stop being “idiots”??!? What are you some kind of liberal elitist anti-idiot consipiracy liberal? It’s fine for you fancy schmancy smartypants types I guess, but you should pull your nose out of those articles and studies and blogs you read and read the the Constitution which gives every real American rights, and one of those rights is the right to be A Idiot. Or aren’t you a real American? Is Kaili even a english name? It sounds muslim to me.

  • Painter of Goats

    …all of her science-y information “has been extracted from peer reviewed studies and articles.”

    So other administrative professionals have read them too?

  • ManchuCandidate

    If there were a battle of wits between typical anti-vaxxer vs bacteria/virus, I’d always put money on bacteria/virus.

  • Bill Slider

    Everything I read in the Bible is true, exactly as written, because it’s in the Bible.
    Everything I read on the Internet about vaxxes is true, exactly as written, because it’s on the Internet.
    Everything I read on Wonkette is true, exactly as written, because it’s on Wonkette.
    Nothing the government tells me is true, because it’s the government.
    My brain is hard, but my dick is flacid, because I am standing on it.

    • dontsayhellotomylittlefriend

      Nice poem

  • Mojopo

    When the CDC guy said “a one in a million chance” he was trying to emphasize how impossible a death-by-Gardasil claim would be. Yeah, he could have been more science-y, because according to the CDC about 23 million doses of this vaccine have resulted in zero deaths.

    Great article, KJG!

  • andreamd

    I will likely die if I eat shellfish. I have had all the vaccines one can have given my elder status. if I die from eating shrimp, can my family sue the makers of the shingles vaccine( my most recent vaccine). I got that from this article. It was on the Internet so,it is a fact

    • Fresh_Coffee

      Yes,,,yes you can.

    • This is a test

      That is about the standard of evidence necessary in Vaccine Court, so go for it!

    • david green

      To be fair, you should also sue whoever made the shrimp.

  • Tendernob

    I’m sorry, but unless I hear it from the mouth of (a) a white Christian male in a dark suit with a flag pin; (b) the pastor at my megachurch; (c) someone on Facebook I went to high school with; or (d) a D-list Hollywood starlet regurgitating some alarmist pseudoscience she heard from her spiritual guru, then it doesn’t count. WAKE UP, SHEEPLE.

  • TimJ

    I’m not sure about this. My story: our local govt sends us notices when our kids need their vaccines. If we failed to comply, the nazis would send us another letter, then maybe visit our home. So I comply. Daughter #2 recently had her third HPV, unbelievably it was administered at “sportpalies” with hundreds of other unwitting, blond girls. The sheeparents stood by idly while the govt poisoned our children, I was a willing participant. Since that final HPV shot, my daughter has been a complete pain in the ass. Talks back, refuses to clean her room, is convinced that her mom and I are the dumbest people ever! I’ve thought about clubbing her with a Bible but we don’t have one (hello Gideons?) so we’ll just have to persevere.

    HPV clearly brings on adolescence, don’t do it!

    • Toomush_Infer

      Have you tried Exorcism? Pat Robertson recommends it…

  • SadDemInTex

    A lethal dose of an antihistamine? How many Benedryls is that? And who the hell administered the pills/epi-pen?

    • Incoming Ham

      It’s a popular drug – especially among teens and preteens. People abuse it because it tends to give them delusions.

      • Virginia Dreaming

        So antihistamine abuse causes people to think vaccinations are more harmful than diseases?

        • Incoming Ham

          If only the parents had that excuse.

  • House0fTheBlueLights

    How many girls will die of completely preventable cancer without the vaccination? Asking for a friend.

    • kellymbray

      4,100 in 2011.

  • Probably 99% of the children diagnosed with autism had ridden in their parent’s gasoline-powered automobile, and also had been under electric lights in the 48 hours before the examination that led to their autism diagnosis.

    Therefore, it would probably be a good idea to keep children out of automobiles and away from electric lights too… which isn’t a bad idea, because since their science-denying parents are probably also not getting them vaccinated, they should be home-schooled and kept away from all other humans.

  • VirginiaLady

    None of this drama is needed. If you do get cancer, you just flush your system with backing soda and lye, which turns your body fat into soap. Soap is good for cleaning stuff. Also cauliflower. See?

    (Nothing like a good verbal salad of crazy first thing in the morning!)

  • SteveCA7

    Serious Adverse Events in ClinicalStudies

    Serious adverse events were collected throughout the entire study period (range one month to 48 months post-last dose) for the six integrated clinical studies for GARDASIL 9. Out of the 13,236 individuals who were administered GARDASIL 9 and had safety follow-up, 305 reported a serious adverse event; representing 2.3% of the population. As a comparison, of the 7,378 individuals who were administered GARDASIL and had safety follow-up, 185 reported a serious adverse event; representing 2.5% of the population.

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