This post was brought to you by our friends at Trackbill.
You were ready to die in the North Atlantic, numb and blind in the black water, except it didn't shake out that way. You're not sure exactly how you were rescued -- you recall being saved by a magic walrus who was wise in the ways of the sea, but you were probably in shock.
The whaling boat that rammed you is still out there plying its murderous trade, but you've got a feeling your Gaia Force Commando days are over. Harassing whalers, chaining yourself to stuff, hanging awesome guerrilla banners on The Man's corporate headquarters: you are ready to leave that to the next generation. You've been a body yelling in front of the Captiol. Now you're going to be the body behind the bodies, telling the bodies what to yell and where to yell it. It's time for you to make your mark in leadership.
You have all the cred you need -- who can top near-drowning and possible walrus rescue? -- but you need more.
You need information, organization, infrastructure. You need TrackBill.
You were playing with TrackBill before you embarked on your last voyage, and you were blown away by the sheer number of bills out there standing just a few votes away from ravaging the planet.
They had titles that boiled your blood, like "National Strategic and Critical Minerals Production Act of 2013." Of course you're meant to think: "Strategic and Critical Minerals! We'd better pass this thing!" Except what it actually does, of course, is fast-track ruinously destructive mining operations all over the country.
This kind of stuff is rampant in Congress, but there's also stuff to fight for instead of against, like the West Coast Ocean Protection Act of 2013, which would stop the Secretary of the Interior from permitting offshore oil and gas exploration from California to Washington State. You'd chain yourself to pretty much anything to get that passed.
But the real action in Congress is in committees. TrackBill can help you ride herd on them, too. You'll want to keep an eye on a few of the worst offenders -- Natural Resources in the House, Energy and Natural Resources in the Senate, to name just two. As soon as you get back to port, and regain feeling in your legs, you'll find a hearing to disrupt.
You are feeling at peace with your decision to leave the hard-core life behind. But what is this? Your big toe itches! A dolphin is in trouble! Or, wait… a narwhal? Either way, there's no time to waste!
Looks like they've got you on the hook for one last mission. But when you get back -- if you get back -- TrackBill is a thing you might buy. You'll definitely do the free trial. Obviously.
[ TrackBill ]
Hellz yeah. That picture made me smile. By the way, anyone seen that atrocious filet-o-fish commercial that rips off The Life Aquatic? Wes Anderson should sue.
I am curious as to why Sponsored Post is the only regular Wonkette writer without a Twitter account...
Does Sponsored Post not want to engage us?
An allergy to dick jokes, maybe?