What To Drink While Bill Nye, Science Guy, ‘Debates’ This Creationist Doofus Back To The Stone Age Tonight

  survival of the drunkest

Go home, velociraptor, you're drunkThe long-awaited “debate” between Secular Inquisitionist Bill Nye and Creationist Grifter Ken Ham is set for 7 p.m. Eastern tonight at Kentucky’s Creation Museum, and will be livestreamed at a couple of locations, including a Cleveland Cincinnati teevee station and the YouTubes. In general, we are not particularly in favor of scientists “debating” creationists, because science is not a matter of argument or rhetoric or of winning the most votes, it is a matter of doing science. Also, since creationists reject the scientific method altogether, it’s not even a debate where the participants are talking about the same thing. Richard Dawkins lays out the reasons why such debates are a bad idea, and we pretty much agree.

On the other hand, there is the indisputable fact that Bill Nye rocks. So we’re definitely going to watch anyway. So get a big tray of spicy Archaeopteryx-descended wings and enjoy the spectacle with a selection of your favorite forms of ethanol, which you can metabolize because of evolution. — Don’t forget to thank your long-ago apelike ancestors for their acquired taste for fermented fruit on the ground!

  • First mention of Book of Genesis by Ken Ham = Drink communion wine.
  • First mention of Book of Genesis by Bill Nye = Cross self, drink communion wine.
  • Mention of Fred Flinstone = drink. Rinse glass with trunk of live mammoth who then sighs and says, “It’s a living.”
  • Insistence that science is just as based on faith as religion is = chug ethanol from a laboratory beaker, take careful notes.
  • Dinosaurs and humans lived side by side = drink a flagon of mead.
  • Climate change denialism creeps in = pour bottle over head, light self on fire
  • “Only a theory” = Trip a creationist, tell them that gravity is “only a theory.”
  • Scopes Monkey Trial reference = drink a shot of Tennessee whiskey. (Caution: Do not use Jack Daniels Tennessee Honey. You will lose the ability to reproduce, thus cutting off your evolutionary line.)
  • “Earth is 6,000 years old” = drink oldest scotch you own, preferably not from a plastic bottle
  • Mention of the Great Flood = Douse everyone around you with alcohol, then offer to save them if they march to you two by two.
  • “Why aren’t monkeys turning into people still?” = Drink deeply, fling poo at screen (expect an atavistic thrill). Use remaining alcohol to clean up. Or by this point, not.

Enjoy! You don’t want to miss it, because Ken Ham is just the kind of asshole to ask, “Were you there?”

[YouTube / WCPO / Christian Science Monitor / Pharyngula / Richard Dawkins / Illustration from Brewer Shirts]

Follow Doktor Zoom on Twitter. He still thinks coming down from the trees was a bad idea.

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About the author

Doktor Zoom lives in Boise, Idaho. He acquired his pseudonym after being differently punctual to too many meetings. He is not a medical doctor, although he has a real PhD (in Rhetoric and Composition).

View all articles by Doktor Zoom

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