From the same not-newspaper of not-record that first broke the story of son-of-a-mill-worker (TRUE STORY! in case you hadn’t heard) John Edwards impregnating himself with the double super secret love child of professional attention whore Rielle Hunter comes this Pulitzer-worthy doozy, which we TOTALLY believe:
WITH a White House cheating scandal set to explode, President BARACK OBAMA and his wife MICHELLE are hiding a divorce shocker from America! […]
The two locked horns in a series of ugly fights during their recent Hawaiian getaway, but sources say the death blow came when Michelle learned that the Secret Service has covered up Obama’s cheating – twice.
After a “mole” exposed the president’s betrayal, a furious Michelle ripped into him during a bitter blow-out and raged: “I want out!”
Obviously, this story must be true, because it is sexy and fun and so much more interesting than any of the actual scandals the lamestream media insists on covering right now. Congratulations, flaccid-bag-of-gas Rush Limbaugh. Looks like you get your pony!
Why can’t we have Obama running around on Michelle or something? … Wouldn’t that be a much better scandal than Christie and bridge lane closures, for crying out loud?
Why yes, it surely would!
According to the never-wrong Enquirer, Michelle Obama’s side eye seen around the world at Nelson Mandela’s funeral was actual side eye and not just an awkward photo. When they returned to the White House, according to anonymous sources who are probably totally telling the truth, Michelle yelled all kinds of angry words, called the Danish prime minister a “tramp” (which is not a very sisterhood-is-powerful thing of her to say), and made Barack go sleep on the couch.
And then things got even worse. When President Too Sexy tried to smooth things over with a trip to Hawaii (and also because the Obamas always spend Christmas in Hawaii, but we digress), she was about to forgive him until she learned that the Secret Service had been covering for the president, who had been found doing compromising positions with various ladies who are not his wife.
“She learned that Barack was caught with a woman in an incident that, in the words of one mole, was ‘hushed up.’ Besides that, a Secret Service agent also saw the president ‘in a compromising position’ with another woman while Michelle was out of town.”
Yes, we are confused, because we thought the president was actually secretly gay and doing coke-fueled secretly gay positions with his aide and friend Reggie Love, but turns out that was probably just the cover story to cover up the real story that Barack is doing other secret sexytime with ladies who are not Michelle. Unless the secret sexytime stories with ladies are the cover story for the real story about the secret gay sexytime … Aw, hell, we’re so confused now, we need a Venn diagram or something of all of Barack Obama’s secret sex, probably with Benghazi right in the middle, because this is all obviously a cover-up of THE cover-up of Benghazi. Or Obamacare. Or the IRS. Or … aw, hell, we might need a few diagrams now.
Anyhoo, it sure seems like the Obamas are heading to divorce court, if we are to believe this EXPLOSIVE!!!!! story that we don’t actually believe, but maybe we should because hey, the Enquirer was right about the Edwards thing after all:
“Michelle’s now left to contemplate the sad reality of her situation. For the sake of her husband’s presidency, she’s going to have to stand by her man until his second term ends in 2016. But for all intents and purposes, their marriage is already over.”
Damn, we are sad. We really thought those two crazy kids would make it. Guess the only question left now is who gets to keep Bo and Sunny.