Virginia State Sen. Thomas Garrett Will End Teenage Oral Sexing Forever With This One Weird Bill

  virginia creeper

Yaoi? Yowie!You might think that the wingnuts in the Commonwealth of Virginia might have a bit of a sad, what with their candidates losing the top three statewide electoral spots a couple months back. You might also think that they would have a smidgen of a doubt, after that defeat, about the wisdom of pushing an agenda that contributed to their guys’ big loss.

Naaaaaah. State Sen. Thomas A. Garrett is a “constitutional conservative” –says so right on his FacePlace – which means he’s most likely convinced that the only reason Ken Cuccinelli isn’t going to be sworn in as governor is that he didn’t push hard enough on the holy crusade to make homosex illegal again. And by golly, Garrett has introduced an “emergency” bill to bring back Virginia’s “crimes against nature” law — and since the meanypants SCOTUS won’t allow states to criminalize what consenting adults do with their danglybits and ladygardens, the new bill will only apply to minors, who must be protected from blowjobs, buttsechs, and eating at the Y. All that sodomizin’ would now become a felony, and any teenagers doing blowjobs in the backseat will be subject to having a felony conviction following them around for life. Not that the law would ever really be applied to straight boys and girls in practice, of course — P-E-N-I-S goes in vagina is not affected by the bill. This is firmly aimed at criminalizing young gheys. You know, to protect the kids.

There has of course been some pushback from people who think maybe regulating blowjobs should not be a state priority; Garrett posted a “clarification” on his Facefook page saying “There has been some confusion about the purpose of SB14 which was introduced by Sen. Tom Garrett. Please click on the link below to read what the bill actually does. Thanks!” The link simply goes to the description of the bill, which sez:

Crimes against nature. Clarifies that engaging in consensual sodomy is not a crime if all persons participating are adults, are not in a public place, and are not committing, attempting to commit, conspiring to commit, aiding, or abetting any act in furtherance of prostitution. The bill states that an emergency exists and it is in force from its passage.

So you see, while liberals have been claiming that this is a proposal to outlaw consensual teen blowjobs, what it really does is outlaw consensual blowjobs between people who are not adults. What part of this perfectly reasonable child protection proposal do you not get?

Of course, all sex between an adult and a minor is already illegal in Virginia. But you can at least put a ring on it — Virginia does allow 16- and 17-year-olds to marry with parental consent. As Think Progress points out,

Under Garrett’s bill, two 17-year-olds could be legally wed but would both become felons if they engaged in oral sex — or even suggested doing so. And with Virginia’s marriage inequality constitutional amendment, a 17-year-old same-sex couple would not only be unable to marry, but would each be guilty of a felony if they engaged in any sexual relations at all.

That’s some catch! We’d like to congratulate Sen. Garrett for becoming 2014′s first nominee for Wonkette’s coveted Legislative Shitmuffin of the Year Award, and would also suggest that, just for the sake of logical consistency, Virginia should also take steps to outlaw fucking that chicken.

[NewCivilRightsMovement / ThinkProgress]

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About the author

Doktor Zoom lives in Boise, Idaho. He acquired his pseudonym after being differently punctual to too many meetings. He is not a medical doctor, although he has a real PhD (in Rhetoric and Composition).

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