Aw yeah, it’s that time again folks. The end times, you hear? Time to get right with the Lord and take stock of your personal relationship with Jesus Christ, because the apocalypse trend is back again, hotter than hell-fire. And the fervent calls to immenantize the eschaton are being led this time by what has to be the worst game of fuck-marry-kill-and-kill-again ever – Billy Graham, Benjamin Netanyahu, Michele Bachmann, and Charlie Daniels. In a longer than the Bible two-million word interview with older-than-an-Old-Testament-prophet, and multiple apocalypse predictor Billy Graham, World Net Daily gives some rather surprisingly decent background on and contextualizing of the recurring obsession with all things end of the world, and Billy Graham’s very important part in making it finally happen.
In an exclusive email interview with WND, Graham, 94, who is giving what may be his last message to the world as part of the My Hope America with Billy Graham evangelistic outreach in early November, said the world is “coming toward the end of the age.”
Haha, this may be his last message, you guys, because Billy Graham is 94 years old, and he must be coming close to the end of something, right? But he’s not dead yet, so in the meantime, he’s got this whole new book and video series to sell, in order to save our souls, and probably pay for whatever blood of virgins Billy Graham bathes in to keep his old ass ambulatory.
According to the good Reverend Graham, there’s gonna be a buttload of signs for our impending doom in 2014, like blood moons and black presidents, Jewish High Holy Days, and the Nicolas Cage remake of Left Behind. And there are things that America must do to prepare for its day of judgment that Reverend Graham wants America to know about, if only it will buy his book and watch his videos. Because Billy Graham “now has a burden for ‘sounding the alarm for humanity to repent and turn from their sin.’” And a book and video series to sell.
But Billy Graham is not the only one who thinks the rapture is coming and all those cars driven by annoying Facebook Bible-quote posters everywhere will finally be unmanned. Recently, Israeli Prime Minister Benjamin Netanyahu gave a speech to the United Nations General Assembly, and flat out two-stated, “biblical prophecies are being realized” as he explained once again why the Jewish people are not even gonna move again. For the Bible tells him so.
Eminent theologian, professional beard, and foster-child-farming Congressperson Michele Bachmann also thinks the end times are near – thanks a lot OBAMACARE, and especially the Muslim Brotherhood, based on her completely wrongheaded belief that the US is funding rebels in Syria. But of course Michele Bachmann always thinks it is the end of the world, and also that today will be the day her totally not-gay husband wants to have sexy time with her, even though she’s probably got a much better chance with the Armageddon-hell-freezing-over thing.
And speaking of Obamacare, there is always Senator Ted Cruz, who we already knew has a big part to play in bringing on the end of the world. But we did not know the guy is on a mission from God, and his obsession with shutting things down and collapsing the world economy is actually divinely inspired. As Ted’s dish-washing dad Raphael Cruz explained to an evangelical congregation back in August, he thinks Ted has been “anointed by God” to do the “end times wealth transfer” to all the priests. Apparently before the world can end, Ted has to get all of the world’s money to every evangelical church in Texas, so that they may support his presidential campaign. Like God intended.
But before we are all so sure that Billy Graham, Michele Bachmann, Benjamin Netanyahu and Ted Cruz’s crazy father are all just selling more crazy, we must consider the words of one Charlie Daniels. Wait, who? We totally read that as “Hank Williams, Jr.” But it is not Hank Williams, Jr., it is Charlie Daniels, and he knows Billy Graham is right:
Charlie Daniels, the country music legend and the host of the recent documentary, Behold a Pale Horse: America’s Last Chance, said Billy Graham is a very dedicated man of God and what he’s feeling is very much valid and in connection with what is going on now.
I also feel the end times are approaching, said Daniels, who is best known for his No. 1 country hit The Devil Went Down to Georgia. I don’t know the chronology. I don’t know when it’s going to happen, but I know it’s closer than it was. I believe that the things left to be fulfilled in the Bible could be fulfilled in a very short amount of time.
Well that is that. Charlie Daniels doesn’t know when the end times are coming, but he knows the time is closer than it was. And if we can’t trust the revelations of some country singing fiddler from the ’70s with a personal connection to Satan, well just fuck it, cause he’s the best that’s ever been. Bring on the seven-headed-ten-horned beast of the apocalypse. It’s equine anal rape time for everyone.