Oral Roberts University Bald Eagle Smacks Window, Is Unaccountably Not Considered Omen Of Doom

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As part of a special service marking the start of the school year at Oral Roberts University, a bald eagle named Lewis was released from the upper balcony of the school’s huge chapel/auditorium; it was supposed to fly above the crowd and land on its trainer’s arm, but instead crashed into a window and fell to the floor. The bird was apparently distracted by the crowd, which was chanting “USA! USA!” when it hit the window. The national symbol was dazed but unharmed, and was retrieved by his trainer.

The Christian Post describes a scene of dismay and moral horror:

As one video shows, the Bald Eagle circles the room and some students chant “USA!” as others cheer on the bird of prey. Seconds later, the cheers and chants turn into high-pitched screams, and even cussing, as students watch in horror as the giant bird’s flight is abruptly cut short.

Cussing, ladies and gentlemen. In a chapel. As the symbol of our once-great nation plummets to the ground. Welcome to Obama’s America.

Rather than drawing the obvious spiritual lesson from Lewis’s collision with the window — which is that we as a nation are doomed, DOOMED — university spokeswoman Carissa Bratschun expressed puzzlement:

“It was a bit shocking to see, but we’re thankful the eagle is OK” … Bratschun was puzzled by the Bald Eagle’s failure to stick to the script. Lewis has been doing such performances for several years and even put in practice time at the chapel before the Aug. 21 service at ORU.

“It had practiced five or six times,” the spokeswoman said. “When the time came, we’re not sure what happened. It flew around the room and then hit a window.”

In a similar vein of denial, university president Dr. William M. Wilson, rather than repenting for the nation’s sins after seeing the eagle struck down in its flight, encouraged students to be “eagles for Christ,” which presumably involves swooping down on unbelievers, seizing them in their Gospel talons, and carrying their bloodied remains back to the nest to be devoured, all the while hoping not to be tainted by the DDT of secularism. He reassured the students that if they ever run into an obstacle, God will pick them up and comfort them just as Lewis’s handler did. There was no warning against the dangers of becoming distracted by jingoistic chanting.

Lewis the eagle is doing just fine, and issued a statement distancing himself from symbolic entanglements.

[Christian Post]

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About the author

Doktor Zoom lives in Boise, Idaho. He acquired his pseudonym after being differently punctual to too many meetings. He is not a medical doctor, although he has a real PhD (in Rhetoric and Composition).

View all articles by Doktor Zoom

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