Congressional newbie Ted Yoho, the large animal veterinarian who represents Florida’s 3rd congressional district, is not like his predecessor, Cliff Stearns, whose ass he primaried in 2012 because Stearns was too busy witch-hunting Planned Parenthood to bother defending his seat. Yoho, however, is focused on what really matters: standing up for the rights of poor, oppressed white people who just want to get their tax-free tan on:
I had a little fun with [John] Boehner and told him about the sun tanning tax [in Obamacare]. He goes, ‘I didn’t know it was in there,’ and I said, ‘Yes, it’s a ten percent tax.’ He goes, ‘Well, that’s not that big of a deal.’ I said, ‘It’s a racist tax.’ He goes, ‘You know what, it is.’ I had an Indian doctor in our office the other day, very dark skin, with two non-dark skin people, and I asked this to him, I said, ‘Have you ever been to a tanning booth?’ and he goes, ‘No, no need.’ So therefore it’s a racist tax and I thought I might need to get to a sun tanning booth so I can come out and say I’ve been disenfranchised because I got taxed because of the color of my skin. As crazy as that sounds, that’s what the left does right. By God, if it works for them, it’ll work for us [inaudible].
Okay, first off, that’s a real charming and not-at-all-racist story about asking the Indian doctor if he’s ever fake-tanned, and it definitely proves just how sincere Yoho’s concern about racism is. Second, we are disappointed that Yoho did not say that taxing tanning beds is just like Hitler, because no argument against Obamacare is complete without that. And third, SERIOUSLY? Republicans have only tried to repeal Obamacare 40 times (maybe 41 is the charm?), and yet Americans are still pretty psyched about their lower premiums, the end of pre-existing conditions, and of course free slut pills. So casually tossing around some hardy har har accusations of racism — but against white people, which obviously is the only real racism left — probably isn’t going to, you know, make Americans suddenly support Republicans’ mission to make health care suck as hard as possible now and forever.
But hey, in case that racism thing doesn’t work (spoiler alert: it won’t), there’s always the totally-not-racist birther movement:
While Yoho told the crowd that the issue of President Obama’s birth certificate was a “distraction” from topics like the national debt, he said he was hopeful that a birther investigation could bring down the whole government: “They said if it is true, it’s illegal, he shouldn’t be there and we can get rid of everything he’s done, and I said I agree with that.”
Okay, then, Republicans, sounds like a good solid plan. 1) Say racism. 2) Pass a birther bill to bring down the whole government and erase the entirety of Barack O’Surper’s presidency. 3) Click your heels three times and say “There’s no place like the early 2000s when we ran everything into the ground, there’s no place like the early 2000s when we ran everything into the ground …” 4) ?? 5) Winning!
And if all of that fails, it is probably time to shut down the government.