Oh sweet merciful christ the annual khaki-ed klavern that is CPAC has finally ended and thus we can start following less disgusting displays of retrograde political insanity, like sequester budget debates or public lynchings. Sadly, however, there is one more “story” to report from this pasty-fleshed convention from hell, and it involves everyone’s favorite bastard offspring of Dennis Miller and Phyllis Schlafly, the ignoble glass-jawed future Senator known as Steven Crowder. It seems as if Mr. Macho Insecurity took a dramatic break from his usual YouTubed fits of transparent homophobic rage and condescendingly idiotic articles about his perfect marriage and instead made a crack about Ashley Judd and rape, which was (not surprisingly) about as funny as a tumor:
By the way, in breaking news, Ashley Judd just tweeted that buying Apple products, again, is akin to rape. From her iPhone. Rape—now she knows how my brain felt after Divine Secrets of the Ya-Ya Sisterhood. Oh, she said it. What is this obsession with Ashley Judd and rape? It’s pretty unnerving.
Hilarious right! Well unfortunately for Crowder the comedy masterpiece formula “famous actress + crappy ‘chick flick’ = awesome rape joke opportunity” kind of doesn’t apply when the actress at the center of the joke also happens to be a rape victim herself:
I’ve been aware of gender violence all my life, being a survivor of gender violence….And I think part of what’s important, in addition to how we shape the narrative, is that we all have the courage to talk about it, because we’re as sick as our secrets and the shame keeps us in isolation.
So Crowder, star of such epic displays of thespian excellence as “Baseball boy #1” in the Velveteen Rabbit, tried and failed to diss Judd’s movie career with a crappy rape joke. IT HAPPENS. But sadly that forgivable act of derp by a nervous asshole stretching time when introducing the next speaker is somehow even grosser in context, as the “obsession with rape” that Crowder is castigating Ashley Judd for is actually the actress’ advocacy on behalf of victims of the inconceivably awful (and ongoing) civil-war-o-rape happening in East Africa.
According to Crowder, Judd’s desire to use her fame and wealth to combat a terrible human rights crisis while also doing some serious self-relection of her complicity in funding that war makes her just another dumb Hollywood slut fame whoring herself for attention. Meanwhile Crowder is speaking at a conference devoted to raising money off of rubes starving for a live action gander at Sarah Palin’s tits or the myriad other celebrities whose opinions are taken seriously solely because they happen to be both famous and hate the same groups of people despised by the conservative movement at this moment. Irony, how the fuck does it work?