how to make it in america

Paula Broadwell Was Going To Be A Senator, Because Why Not

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What might have beenGood morning, Wonkette darlings! It is Monday, and you have to ask yourself: are you getting a little bored with the Petraeus scandal? We mean, sure, it’s fun thinking about the crazy grifting identical twins and hot (?) shirtless FBI guys, but the actual core of the scandal — married dude and married lady with similar interests (one of which being the married dude’s awesomeness) spend a lot of time together and end up boning — is starting to seem a little played out. What this scandal needs is a counterfactual shot in the arm, such as: what if the FBI had never found those pesky email sexts, and then, a few years from now, it came out that CIA director Petraeus was having a sex affair with North Carolina Senator Paula Broadwell? That would certainly be an exciting scandal that would rock the nation and whatever political party Broadwell belonged to for weeks, would it not?

Time Magazine (aka “the one that is still in business, barely”) has come out with a long-ish article about the Petraeus scandal, entitled “Spyfall” (aka “get it, it is like the popular James Bond movie, please continue buying our magazine”), that contains this choice nugget:

Nor was Broadwell without a larger plan. After running with Lance Armstrong [!!! –eds] in July, she volunteered her secret purpose to at least six new acquaintances at the Aspen conference. That evening, over drinks, she told a small group that she had been arguing with her mentor about the direction of her career. Republican moneymen, she said, had approached her about a Senate run in North Carolina. She was tempted. Petraeus, she said in an irritated tone, rejected the idea out of hand. What was her position, he asked, on abortion? Climate change? Gun control? Gay marriage? Tax cuts? Social Security vouchers? Her answers, he told her, would not fit either party, and she should not sell herself out.

Now, far be it for us to say how competent a senator Paula Broadwell would have been. She probably would have been super-competent, since she seems like a manically focused person! And, seen from a certain light and ignoring the rabbithole of Petraeus obsession/monomania she’d fallen down in the last few years, her resume looks pretty good — military service, intense practical and academic study of terrorism and counterterrorism, etc.

But! From as near as we can tell about her work on Petraeus, she seems to be quite the disciple of capital-L Leadership as a solution to all of our problems, an attitude she is definitely not alone in holding. What Washington needs is not specific solutions to actual problems that balance the needs of various constituencies, but Strong Leadership, which will Get Things Done. Petraeus, in this third-hand retelling, seems to have been extremely sensible, reminding his protege/sex partner that she would have to have opinions on all sorts of non-Leadership things; plus (if we are interpreting “would not fit either party” correctly), she was probably a bazillion times too liberal to win a Republican primary in North Carolina. But mainly it just seems kind of telling that someone wanted to be senator and then got mad because her mentor/love interest said “Hmm, so you want to run for political office, let’s talk about the political views you hold, shall we?” Leadership is a process! Everything else is just content.

So, too bad, no Senator Broadwell for us! Plus there’s the small factor that neither of the current North Carolina senators are up for election until 2014. (Similar scheduling problems prevent either or both of the Kelley twins for running for Florida senate until 2016.) Still, Broadwell has been received warmly by her neighbors/potential constituents in her North Carolina home town, which just reinforces the Daily Beast’s insane proclamation, based on two examples, that her neighborhood is Mistressville, U.S.A. [Time]

About the author

Josh was born and raised in Buffalo, New York, leaving him with a love of chicken wings and a tendency to say “pop”. He taught ancient Greek and Roman history to undergraduates before fleeing from academia in terror; worked for a failed San Francisco dot-com that neglected to supply him with stock options or an Aeron chair; lived in Berlin, where he mostly ate Indian and Ethiopian food; finished in third place on his sole Jeopardy! appearance (the correct answer was “Golda Meir”); and was named 2007 Blogger of the Year by The Week, for obvious reasons. Josh is the creator/editor of COMICS CURMUDGEON (which you should read) and does geeky editing and writing about geeky things such as "the Java programming industry for JavaWorld." He lives in Baltimore with his wife Amber and his cat Hoagie.

View all articles by Josh Fruhlinger

Comments

Hey there, Wonkeputians! Shypixel here to remind you to remember our Commenting Rules For Radicals, Enjoy!

  • Barbara_

    Mistress: something between a "mister" and a "mattress." Way to go, Paula!

    • thatsitfortheother1

      It's awright. They're both married.

    • DogWhisperer

      But, in this case, I suspect Paula was on top.

      • thatsitfortheother1

        Behind, maybe.

  • http://simplyleftbehind.blogspot.com/ actor212

    Senator? I'm sure she'd head some committee

    • http://www.boskolives.wordpress.com boskolives

      Seems more likely she'd be giving some head to the head of some committee.

      • thatsitfortheother1

        You said head.

        • http://www.boskolives.wordpress.com boskolives

          Thanks for the heads-up!

          • http://simplyleftbehind.blogspot.com/ actor212

            That was the direction I was headed

          • http://www.boskolives.wordpress.com boskolives

            Well played, then, also.

      • http://www.gurukalehuru.wordpress.com gurukalehuru

        heh-heh-heh-head

  • EatsBabyDingos

    She should go for Governor of Alaska, and get herself a little 20 year younger plaything so she can get into his Levy's.

  • http://howtosavetheworld.ca/ BZ1

    because they're all media whores? or wait a second …

  • vulpes82

    Actually, Petraeus's reaction is the only thing I can respect him for in this whole mess.

    • secanonymous

      I'd take a knee in his presence.

      /amiright

  • BeefHardcake

    Giggity?

  • freakishlywrong

    It's a good thing Benghazi is all Rethugs want to talk about. It's obscuring the fact that all these awful assholes caught up in this utter nonsense are "fambly values" Republicans.

    • BadKitty904

      As I said after Nov. 6 – these vicious, unAmerican GOP cretins are still around and they're *still* dangerous…

    • FeloniousMonk

      Indeed. One thing missing from most accounts is any mention of how devoted Petraeus was to the "spiritual fitness" of his troops, as detailed by Chris Rodda.

    • http://wonkette.com/ outragedcitizen

      Yeah, but Obama's fault becuz he's, you know, blah.

  • BadKitty904

    A caucus of courtesans. Miss Lindsay could wear her best frock!

    Broadwell'd hardly be the first political prostitute elected to Congress, though perhaps the first *female* 'un…

    • http://simplyleftbehind.blogspot.com/ actor212

      LIDDY DOLE LIBEL!

      • BadKitty904

        Hey, I was trying to be polite…

    • http://www.boskolives.wordpress.com boskolives

      Well frock me blind, the very thought of Miss Lindsay involved in a "cock-us" would certainly be arousing to the masses!

  • AlterNewt

    Liar, cheater, Senator? Sure, why not?

    • BadKitty904

      Sounds overqualified, if anything.

    • Terry

      Tossed out of her grad program at Harvard for poor performance, too.

  • http://facethesuncastnoshadow.wordpress.com/ Mumbletypeg

    If they haven't yet cast for Rielle World, Mistressville NC then someone at MTV needs to get on it!

    • http://simplyleftbehind.blogspot.com/ actor212

      She's disqualified due to proximity

  • bflrtsplk

    And here I thought the extra marital affair was at the top of every aspiring Republican senator`s resume.

    • BadKitty904

      She got it all wrong, though, as amateurs are wont to do – she was sleeping with an adult human of the opposite gender.

      Maybe next time she'll meet GOP standards…

    • http://www.boskolives.wordpress.com boskolives

      Top of the resume unless the affair was with a dead girl or live boy, or so I've heard.

      • thatsitfortheother1

        Under the resume header Other:

        Have hiked the Appalachian trail seven times.

  • http://Wonkette.com MLHencken

    Once again a potentially decent (or at least good for a few yuk-yuks) senatorial candidate is ruined by a misplaced penis — or in this case — vagina.

    Sorry everyone.

  • http://loljazzcatz.blogspot.com/2012/06/introducing-bad-note-millstones-of-jazz.html Chet Kincaid_

    My Lord, sleeping with Broadwell is probably a cross between some kind of P-90Sex and a wolverine attack. Patraeus was probably the only man outside of MMA fit enough to "sniff her flower."

    • Barbara_

      She does strike me as the type of bitch that would totally chain you to the stove and beat you to a curtain rod if you pissed her off. I bet her Pinterest board is a very dark and whorey place. *shiver*

    • AlterNewt

      And she don't wanna listen to no Stanley Turrentine.

    • pdiddycornchips

      Little known facts about Wolverines. They are the only large mammal not to hibernate during the winter. They will steal a kill from a full grown Grizzly bear. When they eat their prey, they consume everything including the bones and the teeth.

      • thatsitfortheother1

        They are the only large mammal not to hibernate during the winter???

        • Vecchiojohn

          Well, I'm a large mammal and I'd hibernate if I could. . . .

        • pdiddycornchips

          Well no. They are one of the only large mammals in Alaska who don't hibernate excluding humans and aquatic mammals like whales, walruses, and the like. Whateves, they eat bones and teeth.

          • thatsitfortheother1

            Sorry, I take my mammalians srsly.

  • Lot_49

    Yes yes, leadership is What We Need. There are several floors of Infantry Hall at Fort Benning devoted to teaching it to baby Army officers. Mitt Romney asserted that the mere fact of his leadership would turn the economy around. Paul Ryan was an "intellectual leader" of that collocation of great minds known as the house Republican caucus. Obama exhibited "failed leadership," because he failed to execute Phase II of the transition to Sharia Law.

    And what have the voters chosen? It is puzzling.

    Plus: Jesse Helms. Ews.

  • Estproph

    If McCain & Brown can be senators, then I guess she can too. It doesn't mean she has to be a good one, after all.

    • pdiddycornchips

      She isn't as batshit cray as Jim DeMint but then not many are.

  • Aridzona

    Her views on the Defense of Marriage Act are interesting, to say the least.

    • BadKitty904

      Similar to Gingrich's, Limbaugh's, et al., no?

    • Biel_ze_Bubba

      Standard GOP view: adultery should only violate a marriage between a man and a woman.

    • http://zvibleindmeis.tumblr.com/ Spurning Beer

      A good offense is the best defense.

  • docterry6973

    First Gen. Petraeus, now Sen. Broadwell. Evil, evil sex has cost America another great leader. You won't find any of that sex stuff at MY house, nosiree.

    • http://simplyleftbehind.blogspot.com/ actor212

      DA Suben, is that you?

  • Goonemeritus

    “Her answers, he told her, would not fit either party, and she should not sell herself out”

    Inquiring minds want to know if this valuable advice on the maintenance of one’s integrity was delivered during or after the repeated violations of their oaths of matrimony.

    • AlterNewt

      Selective integrity.

    • thatsitfortheother1

      Nobody can eat just one.

  • ph7

    Girls just wanna have fun.

  • http://www.boskolives.wordpress.com boskolives

    An exhumed Ronnie Reagan would be "…. a bazillion times too liberal to win a Republican primary in North Carolina." Just saying…

    • PugglesRule

      But what about Futurama's head of Nixon?

      • One_who_wanders

        Oh, fudge he is too liberal for the democrats . . .

      • http://www.boskolives.wordpress.com boskolives

        I ask myself, why does every politicalish post include head?

    • Rotundo_

      I keep hearing about how "The Gipper" wouldn't pass muster with the current crop of Republican idiots: I don't think the man possessed a single moral or ethical conviction that couldn't be turned on a dime by his handlers. Life was just a script for Ronaldus Maximus, especially after the short term memory functions petered out.

  • Biel_ze_Bubba

    Competent, practical, and academic? She's already disqualified from being a GOP congresscritter, regardless of her positions on the issues.

    • irishdave3

      So she is the Mistress of the Missionary Position but the Politcal Position…not so much?

  • KobayashiMaru

    Broadwell/Hunter '16!

    • NellCote71

      What about my favorite ticket: Bachmann/Palin?

  • fawkedifiknow

    She violated the time honored sequence of events: Get yourself elected to high office, running as a "values" candidate, and THEN have your extramarital affair.

    • docterry6973

      This is a sad situation, a tragic loss to the nation when one's personal affairs are dragged out into….wait, Broadwell is the woman? Slut.

  • freakishlywrong

    Why didn't fucking Vitter have to resign?

    • BadKitty904

      I'd like to hear the answer to that, myownself.

    • thatsitfortheother1

      Because diapers.

    • Mahousu

      Because the dead girl was not actually in his bed at the time.

    • bobbert

      Because Louisivama.

  • Guppy

    his protege/sex partner

    Oh, there was sex, but she was never a partner

    • horsedreamer_1

      Anthony Kiedis empathizes.

  • metamarcisf

    The complete transcript of Gen. Petraeus' answer to congress when asked about his involvement with Ms. Broadwell:

    "The angle of the dangle
    Times the square of the hair
    Equals the heat of the meat."

  • Limeylizzie

    But I believe something is happening in Israel/Gaza, so let's talk about Paula Broadwell's sluttiness, and Benghazigate, because …oh fucking Lord how I hate the GOP.

    • BadKitty904

      Beats working for a living.

    • Biel_ze_Bubba

      They do seem to be a bit slow to learn. May it last into November of 2014.

  • Guppy

    Also, too: what's with all the creepy stalker pictures taken through windows? Is this the kind of respectable journalistic integrity the AP is selling these days?

    • http://simplyleftbehind.blogspot.com/ actor212

      Integr-what now?

    • Rotundo_

      Journalistic integrity was deleted from the AP stylebook some time back. Sideboob sells.

  • http://loljazzcatz.blogspot.com/2012/06/introducing-bad-note-millstones-of-jazz.html Chet Kincaid_

    New from the makers of "Infinity Blade" and based on the battle-tested Unreal Engine: "Punani Wars" for iOS!! Fight as any one of many Infamous Super-Powered Mistresses! Paula Broadwell, with her devastating forehead butt! Astronaut Diaper Lady with her insane stamina! Rielle the Hunter with her disabling Spells of Flattery! Argentine Lady with her Tango Death Move! Can your concubine conquer the combined commando attack of the Kelley Twins?! Notch Generals, Senators and Governors on your garter belt as you move up in Career Mode! Rated AO, obvs!!

    • http://simplyleftbehind.blogspot.com/ actor212

      FINISH HIM!

      • http://loljazzcatz.blogspot.com/2012/06/introducing-bad-note-millstones-of-jazz.html Chet Kincaid_

        It's Mistress vs. Mistress, with Male Authority Figures as Career Achievements!

    • docterry6973

      I still vote for the Argentine lady, and she is welcome to drop by any time.

  • memzilla

    Anagrams of "Paula Broadwell" include: A Durable Wallop, Pure AWOL Ballad, and Laudable Lap Row.

    • http://www.boskolives.wordpress.com boskolives

      Ah, busywork on a slow news day indeed

    • http://www.gurukalehuru.wordpress.com gurukalehuru

      Also Paula Broad Well, too.

  • http://wonkette.com ManchuCandidate

    Instead of Senator, she can join a more entertaining club… Bravo's "The Real Mistresses of Washington DC."

  • toughsister

    YAWN… Kissinger said it until the old fart was blue in the face: "Power is the ultimate aphrodisiac". So Broadwell fell for it, and Petraeus was only too happy to oblige.

    Honestly, WHO GIVES A SHIT? Has national security be breached? I'll believe it when I see the Taliban landing on the beaches of New Jersey.

    • Mahousu

      Has national security be breached?

      Oddly enough, "National Security" was Petraeus' nickname for Broadwell's vagina.

      • http://zvibleindmeis.tumblr.com/ Spurning Beer

        Now I'm confused. I thought it was National Vulva.

  • http://loljazzcatz.blogspot.com/2012/06/introducing-bad-note-millstones-of-jazz.html Chet Kincaid_

    When Rielle and Paula hit the clubs in Dilworth looking for an eligible mark, it's like being scissored within an inch of your life by the "Night At The Roxbury" twins.

  • MozakiBlocks

    I thought being a Senator from North Carolina required you to have an affair and get your mistress pregnant.

    • http://www.southsidejohnny.com/ Jukesgrrl

      Bob Dole did not get Liddy pregnant.

  • kittensdontlie

    Was it a copycat affair, or is there something in that North Carolina mountain spring water?? You decide.

  • rocktonsam

    that shiny forehead is shiny

    • smellypossum

      My thought also too when I saw that picture.

      Perhaps she learned shoe-shining from her military mentor/partner/fuckbuddy, then used her shining skills on her forehead (and maybe his knob as well).

      • thatsitfortheother1

        Lots of practice wiping it off, perhaps?

  • ttommyunger

    " ….what was her position, he asked, on abortion? Climate change? Gun control? Gay marriage? Tax cuts? Social Security vouchers?"….. Missionary, Doggie Style, Sixty-Nine, Sixty-Eight and I owe you One???? Inquiring Pervs want to know!

  • http://www.vinoverve.com Maman

    I am still disappointed that I never saw a headline that said "BETRAEUS".

  • EnnuiThereYet?

    Paula Broadstone is a real-life Tracy Flick.

  • DustyBowlBlues

    Leadership–A word a bunch of whiny losers like to toss around. They lost, and it's everyone and everything's fault. WaaWaaWaa. Could we just have a moratorium on the winger alt-universe so we liberals and kind of stretch out a few minutes and forget those crybaby right wingers exist? Is that too much to ask?

  • Biff

    She should come to Nevada, where we welcome whores in politics.
    Or more accurately in this case, pimps…

  • http://inappropriatejobpostings.blogspot.com/ fuflans

    wasted away again in mistressville.

  • Esteev

    But the question remains, which position does she like the most?

  • southernboyman

    A round-heeled Tar Heel, who wouldn't vote for that!

  • http://www.gurukalehuru.wordpress.com gurukalehuru

    I heard that Ashley (the hot Judd) Judd might be fixin' to run against Turtlehead Mitch McConnell when his seat comes up in the rotation. Bet she'd whoop his ass, too.

    I heard it on facebook, which is always a reliable source.

  • http://wonkette.com/ outragedcitizen

    Why didn't Petraeus ask her about her views on Adultery?

    Oh, right, she was running as a Republican and she was having an affair. Never mind.

  • elgin_pelican

    She and Ryan would be a match – both people we keep getting told are attractive. Is it just me?

    • http://www.southsidejohnny.com/ Jukesgrrl

      They could stand naked in front of a mirror and compare their abs. And then he could claim he fucked her for two hours and fifty-something minutes.

  • DahBoner

    BECAUSE TWO DRINK MINIMUM PAL

  • Smithboy

    Paula….John Edwards on line one.