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Dispatches From The FEMA Camps: Barack Obama’s Brave New World Will Not Have Applebees, Vinyl Siding

Obama YouthThe most important thing to know about the FEMA Camps, where we will be soon living now that Barack HUSSEIN Obama secured his second term by giving gifts to browns and poors and slutty youngs, is density. The image of FEMA Camps as these desolate concentration camps is actually wrong. In reality, these encampments will be Agenda 21-compliant model cities.

You and your family will have your own dwelling, but it will be small. Think of the average-size McMansion that all job creators strive for. Now, imagine the space where, back when this was a free country, that McMansion would have had a “great room.” That is where another family’s house will be. The second floor will be, instead of bedrooms and a master bath, homes for like six more families. Instead of spreading out these homes over a completely illogical series of cul-de-sacs, as the market demands, they will be arranged on a centrally-planned grid.

Everything will be pedestrian friendly and “sustainable.” Back when Obama was at that Kenyan madrassa, Saul Alinsky taught him that sustainability is the key to making everything socialist. There will be plentiful sidewalks and bike lanes because no one except for camp commandants will have cars. Commandants will have Chinese-made Jeeps for patrol purposes only.

Residents will have the option of taking FEMA light rail trollies to jobs — provided they join the FEMA union — making windmill components and solar panels for Solyndra, or at the camp’s Planned Parenthood Abortionplex. That place will always need workers because Obama’s second term totally means a One Couple/One Child policy for white people.

What you won’t see at the FEMA Camps are the strip malls, chain restaurants, and cul-de-sac faux-neighborhoods that our Founding Fathers intended. No churches or synagogues either, but plenty of mosques. And all restaurants and grocery stores will be vegan co-ops.

Now, you Wonketteers are probably thinking: “This sounds like the most magical socialist paradise ever and I can’t wait, but there’s no way people who love their Red Robin bottomless fries and vinyl houses with stucco facades will tolerate this glorious UN-planned desecration of American values.

Perhaps that would be a probably for a less Muslim-Socialist demagogue. Fortunately, Dear Leader Obama is very smart. How do you think he managed to get all those black votes in Maine? For this project, he has an even more diabolical way to force his will upon the sheeple Americans. Two words: Mind Control. Some guy named Chip Searcy recently explained the whole thing to the Georgia Senate Republican caucus.

About 23 minutes into the briefing, Searcy explained how President Obama, aided by liberal organizations like the Center for American Progress and business groups like local chambers of commerce, are secretly using mind-control techniques to push their plan for forcible relocation on the gullible public:

They do that by a process known as the Delphi technique. The Delphi technique was developed by the Rand Corporation during the Cold War as a mind-control technique. It’s also known as “consensive process.” But basically the goal of the Delphi technique is to lead a targeted group of people to a pre-determined outcome while keeping the illusion of being open to public input.

The Delphi technique is so air tight and perfect that there’s no way a revolt against the Agenda 21/FEMA camps will ever be successful. So you can forget about Glenn Beck’s anti-Agenda 21 Turner Diaries fantasy ever coming true.


About the author

Jeff Wattrick is someone whose unsolicited submissions accidentally get published on Wonkette. He also writes for Deadline Detroit, which is this thing on the internet about the Motor City.

View all articles by Jeff Wattrick
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  1. Mumbletypeg

    overcrowding… illogical… central planned grid

    Sounds like the interior design structure of America's other victim, of Bush-initiative NCLB Death Camps: the public school student's pliable yet expendable mind.

    1. Biel_ze_Bubba

      Sounds a lot like Manhattan, actually, except for the mosque thing … those are merely competitive in the religion market.

  2. EatsBabyDingos

    Duty now for the future. And anyway, my local echo chamber of commerce only says NONEWTAXESNONEWTAXESNONEWTAXES, which looks like "no Newt axes," which I am okay with. Abe Lincoln yes, Teletubbies no.

    1. Mittaplasia

      He was putting the whammy on Mittens during the first debate, or am I the only one who thought Bams was in some self-induced trance at the time?).

    1. Abernathy

      No need for commuting. In America, you go to the abortionplex. In FEMA camps, the abortionplex comes to you!

    2. wondering where i am

      The Republicans are in favor of heavy rail, very very heavy rail carried on the shoulders of Chinamen, like in the olden days.

  3. ManchuCandidate

    Everyone gets coffee except the people who believe Glengarry Glen Ross is a life primer (not joking, I've known a few) and not merely an entertaining movie about real estate.

      1. schvitzatura

        Dibs on the steak knives, guys…to slash the throats of the BSDs that are keeping me down (in the FEMA camps, with votes, obvs)…

  4. EnnuiThereYet?

    Chip Searcy is the kindest, bravest, warmest, most wonderful human being I've ever known in my life.

  5. edgydrifter

    Modest homes on pedestrian-friendly grids? Sounds like everyone is moving to my 'hood. Hell yeah! Somebody call the fire dancers, I'll grab a keg, and let's have a block party!

    1. HELisforHEL

      Small and manageable and affordable homes that won't house 6 kids? Small, easy to deal with lawns? Sidewalks and proximity to local stores? Easy access to rail? Sounds like my area of worker-bee homes in a working class burg…so come on down! We can use more reasonable intelligent and fun folks! But be warned–we have the Blahs and the Browns as neighbors. THE END OF AMERIKKKKAAAAAA!

      However, our Chamber of Commerce is made up of those NONEWTAXES clowns mentioned above. Yeah, I don't believe Magic Barry has brainwashed any CoC turds as of yet…they're normally right-wing assholes looking for a handout.

  6. schvitzatura

    Is my town's planning commission going to approve the construction of its portion of the American Sector of the UN-approved GaiaEcumenopolis? Anyway, just make sure my "gifts" are ready for me and my family during move-in day to our cells in sub-level 1001/b-z NoVA quadrant.

  7. snowpointsecret

    Applebee's? No Red Lobster either.

    Or Papa John's, which I find hilarious since my town of 38,000 has at least 13 other pizza places to go to. I'll really have to suffer by not going there, obviously!

    1. JustPixelz

      Or pay a 5% "Obamacare" surcharge at Denny's!. OK, it's not that you have to pay 5% more for your health insurance because you eat at Denny's. It's that they plan to add 5% to the bill as a separate item to pay for Obamacare. The asshole owner readily says customers should regard it as part of the tip. To which I readily say, "Siri, where's the nearest Panera?"

      1. SorosBot

        At one specific Denny's franchise; and that asshole owner has actually said he plans on telling customers to deduct the surcharge from their tips. Fuck that asshole, and I hope he eats at his own restaurants regularly to get special cream added by the staff.

  8. Callyson

    What's all this fuss about, Wikipedia?

    The Delphi method is a structured communication technique, originally developed as a systematic, interactive forecasting method which relies on a panel of experts.
    In the standard version, the experts answer questionnaires in two or more rounds. After each round, a facilitator provides an anonymous summary of the experts’ forecasts from the previous round as well as the reasons they provided for their judgments. Thus, experts are encouraged to revise their earlier answers in light of the replies of other members of their panel. It is believed that during this process the range of the answers will decrease and the group will converge towards the "correct" answer. Finally, the process is stopped after a pre-defined stop criterion (e.g. number of rounds, achievement of consensus, stability of results) and the mean or median scores of the final rounds determine the results.

    OMG it's mind control!!!


    1. MissTaken

      Speaking of the Obamaphone 6, I voted for Obama and my Obamaphone 4 is all scratched up (I missed the free upgrade to the Obamaphone 5 due to having my daily abortion). It's been nearly two weeks now, when the fuck to I get my gift of a new Obamaphone??

      1. Mittaplasia

        Bleepin' technology is becoming obsolete overnight. I will welcome my 2nd term usurping overlord AND my new Obamaphone 7.

  9. SorosBot

    You don't need to see his identification. These aren't the FEMA camps you're looking for. He can go about his business. Move along.

  10. weejee

    ♪♫ There must be some kinda way out of here
    Said the Joker to the Thief
    There's too much confusion
    The Seceders believe
    Princess Lindsey always whines
    Walnutz is just absurd
    The Koch brothers were approaching
    And Anonymous began to howl ♫♪

    1. SorosBot

      Or pretty much every city in the US.

      Except Boston. Whoever designed that city didn't understand the basic concept of a grid, and how much easier that makes it to get around.

      1. Negropolis

        Well, when you see the old maps of Boston (it was nearly an island) it makes sense. I don't think most people realize just how much of Boston's geography is manmade. It was crazy for me to think about the Revolutionary War days and realize that Boston was physically a very different place than what we know today.

  11. MissTaken

    I already live in a 600 sq foot apartment near a public transit station that takes me to my job in an urban city center where we compost the remains of our vegan lunches each day. The mind control is already happening!

    1. SorosBot

      Hey that sounds just like the place I live now – oh no he really is forcing us all into the Agenda 21 lifestyle!

    2. schvitzatura

      As long as you have the glass dishes with tiny bubbles and imperfections, proof they were crafted by the honest, simple, hard-working indigenous peoples of… wherever, you'll be just fine, right?

    3. Pithaughn

      My happiest days were living in 750 sq ft condo across the street from a bus that took you to the base of a ski area, the bus ride was free!! It took a total of 1/2 hour to get to the top of the ski area ( Beaver Creek ) . The owners of the ski area had thoughtfully provided picnic tables within shelters to facilitate ingestion of weed. Then strap on the 213's and bomb the blue runs at 60mph. Rinse lather repeat.

  12. owhatever

    I shall be hosting my own event for Georgia Republican legislators, entitled: The Best Ten Ways that True Americans can stop the New Devil Kenyan What Has Rose Up From Hellfire to Take Our Guns and Womenz, and How to Stick Peanuts in Your Nose. Contributions payable at the door. Visa and Mastercard accepted.

    1. Lascauxcaveman

      Visit some of your more well-regarded local brewpubs. You won't find better beer than that in Europe.

      1. BigSkullF*ckingDog

        Yes, but the best beer here is only sometimes slightly better than the most average beer in Germany. And don't even get me started on the lack of quality control at our brewpubs and microbreweries. It is a tragedy how many beers I try that should be great except that they are either underfermented or oxidized. Its a total gamble with every pint.


    yeah yeah laugh it up guys

    just wait until Walton Simons outsources your job to illegal aliens, greasels, and karkians; and then you die from the Grey Death or get machinegunned by augmented Majestic 12 stormtroopers

  14. SayItWithWookies

    Shit, I just know that plot's a lie — hell, if Obama wanted to send people to integrated public housing where they'd have access to contraception, build clean energy systems and ride around on public transportation, he'd've run on that.

  15. Lascauxcaveman

    [/goes off to research Delphi technique to see if can be used to make wife think that sexytime was her idea]

  16. BadKitty904

    By the way, Mother Jones gives a different take on this loon-fest:

    They’re saying it was convened by Chip Rogers, Georgia’s Republican caucus majority leader and Tea Party activist.

    They go on to say: “It was emceed by Field Searcy, a local conservative activist who was forced out of the Georgia Tea Party in April due to his endorsement of conspiracy theories about the president's birth certificate and the collapse of World Trade Center Tower 7. The presentation also featured a special video cameo from conservative talking-head Dick Morris in which the former Clinton aide warns that Obama ‘wants to force everyone into the cities from whence our ancestors fled.’"

    1. SorosBot

      Obama ‘wants to force everyone into the cities from whence our ancestors fled.’

      And who were "our" ancestors fleeing from again? But they're not racist, no!

        1. SorosBot

          My ancestors, on my dad's side, fled the rural South to go to the East Coast cities. That was definitely the better move.

  17. weejee

    Mrs. weejee and I have a block and a half commute to the office. Will Bamz allow us a cobbler deduction on our taxes to cover the wear-and-tear on our poor soles?

  18. Joshua Norton

    Searcy explained how President Obama, aided by liberal organizations like the Center for American Progress and business groups like local chambers of commerce, are secretly using mind-control techniques to push their plan for forcible relocation on the gullible public:

    This is pure wingnut gold.

    I’m tempted to say that the entire comment has to be a spoof because it’s just too stupid even for a teabilly, but actually I think it’s just stupid enough.

    1. Lot_49

      Everyone knows that the Chamber of Commerce is a front organization for the liberal-leftist oppressor. Particularly that US Chamber–they're like the COMINTERN.

      1. HouseOfTheBlueLights

        The crazy thing about chambers of commerce is that every one that I participate in (which is several, because they're awesome local institutions) tends to be largely populated by either dyed-in-the-wool progressive small business and LLC owners, or completely apolitical old guys who just want the free food and the safe flirting. It's always such a disconnect what the US CoC pulls.

        1. Lot_49

          I always assumed the local ones were made up of insurance agents and lawyers looking to make business connections while doing some good.How the US CoC hijacked that into a right-wing lobby is a mystery.

          1. bobbert

            Similar to how a lot of local American Legion posts are actually just a bunch of folks with a vague urge to have a few drinks and do a little community service.

  19. Ruhe

    Searcy's public description of the Delphi plan? That itself is just part of the plan called the Cassandra gambit, implementation of which was detailed in the IPCRIS file.

    1. BadKitty904

      Which, in turn, was a side-dish for the Litchfield Experiment, with lashings of the Illuminati, and a Freemason on top!

    1. BlueStateLibel

      Yes, but everyone shares the lawns, putting an iron spike in the hearts of old guys everywhere.

      1. bikerlaureate

        But hopefully not the neighborhood watch duties… or else they'd better just outlaw Skittles while they're at it.

  20. Lot_49

    Among the many incomprehensible mysteries about the Baltimore-DC conurbation is why anyone would buy a house with brick on only one side of it.

    1. schvitzatura

      Façade fabulous, baby! We'll just have less masonry to throw once the Blue Helmets herd us into FEMA reedjumacation hostels, but be can refashion the vinyl into makeshift roofing, just like our neighbors over in J'burg, Souf Africa and Rio de Janiero, BRAZIL do.

  21. randcoolcatdaddy

    You forgot the force-feeding of the American public on socialist BBC "Downton Abbey" programming, rather than the free-market choices available on NBC.

    1. schvitzatura

      The 'Murican Neo-robber barons want us pliant and ready to serve in their gated estates. So this is more of that Delphi boolshite that is being bandied about, all wily-nily.

  22. Doktor Zoom

    From the publisher's description of Beck's new dumb book:

    Woken up to the harsh reality of her life and her family's future inside the Republic, Emmeline begins to search for the truth. Why are all citizens confined to ubiquitous concrete living spaces? Why are Compounds guarded by Gatekeepers who track all movements?

    You can tell it's a dystopia, because Things are Capitalized!

    1. OneYieldRegular

      "Woken up"? I look forward to your full review, and good luck. I tried Beck's last attempt at a novel and could not get past the first paragraph. His writing is so atrocious it makes Dan Brown seem like Dostoyevsky.

      1. Doktor Zoom

        Emmeline Grangerford, of course, was the late lass in Huckleberry Finn who drew awful, sentimental pictures with soppy captions (A dead canary in a cage: 'Shall I hear thy sweet chirrup no more Alas!" and a forlorn woman: "Art thou gone yes thou art gone Alas!") and authoress of the immortal "Ode To Stephen Dowling Bots, dec'd."

  23. JustPixelz

    I work from home. Do I have to take the light rail? And yet I feel compelled to do for some reason.

  24. Baba_NinjaCat12

    Forget Agenda 21, they just not being in the 21st century compliant for these crazy conspiracy theorist.

  25. Troglodeity

    The sad thing is, it's really getting hard to tell which of this is satire and which is actual, real Republican talking points.

  26. HouseOfTheBlueLights

    Or Twinkies. Don't forget also no Twinkies. (Plenty of Ho-ho's, however, because of slut pills)

    1. PubOption

      It will create jobs for the poster printers. It can be used to generate more slogans than the Chinese communist party ever considered.

  27. BadKitty904

    These guys have seen one too many Austin Powers flicks. Searcy must've forgotten the frickin' sharks with frickin' laser beams attached to their frickin' heads…

  28. Dr. Matt

    I can't wait to start my new job as watch tower security at the FEMA camps! I just got my jackboots and leather cape shipped to me today. Take that, teatards!

  29. HistoriCat

    The Delphi technique was developed by the Rand Corporation during the Cold War as a mind-control technique. It’s also known as “consensive process.” But basically the goal of the Delphi technique is to lead a targeted group of people to a pre-determined outcome while keeping the illusion of being open to public input.

    Glad to know that the John Birch Society has really been able to contribute to public discourse. Maybe the Birchers and the LaRouchies can get together and create a Unified Conspiracy Theory explainer for all of us who are obviously too blind to see the truth.

  30. BoroPrimorac

    Not for nothing, but this town sounds kick ass. All it needs to achieve perfection is an ordinance banning religion, legal pot and an artist co-op.

  31. DixvilleCrotch

    Are we going to have to drop everything and pray 5 times a day to Allah, in between buttsechs sessions / abortions?

  32. SorosBot

    And here I thought the Delphi technique was for a young woman to breathe volcanic gasses which would cause her to hallucinate and spout gibberish, which the priests would interpret as messages from Apollo that they believed predicted the future.

    1. Wile E. Quixote

      I'll bet that the Romney team wishes that they had gone with that Delphi technique instead of pissing all of that money away on ORCA.

          1. HRH_Maddie

            Aww, thanks. That was just me employing my world famous, off-putting sense of humor, not a cry for help. Plus, with this new Red Lobster boycott, I'll live longer than originally planned.

  33. SuspectedDemocrat

    Really, kids, you need to keep both hands on the handlebars when you ride a bicycle. And where are your helmets?

  34. DogWhisperer

    What's with the tiny dark hand sticking out of that kid's shoulder (the one with an amputated forearm)?

    1. TribecaMike

      Sounds like a job for David Icke. I'll call him on the Icke Phone, or better yet summon him with the Icke Signal.

  35. mustangsavvy

    It's astounding. They want him to be the evil genius of their dreams so much that they will stop at nothing to convince themselves that Obama is in fact, an evil genius with mind control. Like they knew all along. Brings a new sheen to the words "tortured logic." Yikes.

    Also… lanes and side walks? Sounds like the Northern Beaches suburbs of Sydney. Sounds like EVERY OTHER SUBURB of Sydney, including Sydney city itself and all inner-city suburbs. In the 90's. So obviously, Obama used his mind control and time machine to oppress the Australia of my childhood and having perfected that technique has some how come forward in time to USA to once again, control the minds of the masses. With bike lanes.

  36. Wile E. Quixote

    But basically the goal of the Delphi technique is to lead a targeted group of people to a pre-determined outcome while keeping the illusion of being open to public input.

    Oh, you mean like the Bush administration did when they started the Iraq war? Or the way AIPAC and their friends on Capitol Hill continue to insure that the US will support Israel regardless of whatever boneheaded and vile decisions they make. Or the way House Republicans keep pushing for tax breaks for the rich even though most people oppose them?

  37. HelmutNewton

    This sounds like the most magical socialist paradise ever and I can’t wait!

    Wait, you mean it's only a teabagger fever-dream?!? Nevermind, then…

  38. ChickTract_Fil_A

    More from Obama's Utopia: 1) 90 minutes from New York to Paris; under the sea by rail. 2) There'll be spandex jackets one for everyone.

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