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American Patriots Send Mean E-Petitions Threatening Secession, Just Like Their Confederate Heroes Did

IF ONLYTrue Americans everywhere are finally wising up to the fact that they will live another four years under the rule of the Nobamanation, and that basically all hope for freedom is now lost. We remember long ago in this nation when a skinny liberal weirdo from Illinois got elected, and threatened to redistribute Real Americans’ wealth, by acknowledging that some of that wealth was actually human beings. And those Real Americans responded in the honorable fashion: by founding an entire republic based on the defense of slavery, and waging an insanely bloody war for four years in an attempt to defend it. And so in the year of our Lord 2012, similarly brave souls pledge their lives and sacred honors to fight against tighter regulation of the health insurance industry and moderate increases to marginal tax rates, by using the 2012 equivalent of charging headlong into a wave of Union bullets: adding their names a strongly worded petition on the White House’s website.

As part of the Obama administration’s commitment to transparency and Internet-y stuff when it came to office in 2008, they put up a page on the White House website where “we the people” (i.e., cranks) could create petitions about any subject. If you can’t get even 25,000 people, or 0.008% of the U.S. population, to sign your petition (and “signing” can mean just putting your first name and last initial!), it will be completely ignored. If you manage to get to 25K, some White House staffer will do some half-assed Googling and come up with a list of links that explain why your petition will be ignored, as the marijuana legalization people discovered.

Anyway, now people from pretty much the states you’d expect are signing on to petitions demanding secession from America, in order to form a better America. They quote generously from the Declaration of Independence, which is funny considering that the actual signers of the real Declaration of Independence were considered traitors and were hunted down by vicious Hessian mercenaries, while these brave souls will have an unpaid intern roll their eyes at them. Texas and Louisiana are coming pretty closed to getting an actual snooty response from the White House, though! It will no doubt be more or less identical to the helpful note from the Kansas City Star, which gently informs its readers that “the petitions have no legal significance, and the constitution does not allow states to unilaterally secede from the union.”

Meanwhile, Rick Perry, who was always threatening to break Texas away from America while he was trying to run for president of America, which was an interesting strategy, now “believes in the greatness of our Union and nothing should be done to change it,” what a little baby. [WaPo/KC Star/HuffPo]

About the author

Josh was born and raised in Buffalo, New York, leaving him with a love of chicken wings and a tendency to say “pop”. He taught ancient Greek and Roman history to undergraduates before fleeing from academia in terror; worked for a failed San Francisco dot-com that neglected to supply him with stock options or an Aeron chair; lived in Berlin, where he mostly ate Indian and Ethiopian food; finished in third place on his sole Jeopardy! appearance (the correct answer was “Golda Meir”); and was named 2007 Blogger of the Year by The Week, for obvious reasons. Josh is the creator/editor of COMICS CURMUDGEON (which you should read) and does geeky editing and writing about geeky things such as "the Java programming industry for JavaWorld." He lives in Baltimore with his wife Amber and his cat Hoagie.

View all articles by Josh Fruhlinger

Comments

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  • Jus_Wonderin

    Rick Perry, cocksucker.

    • Lascauxcaveman

      We don't know this for sure. That is, we haven't actually seen the video. Yet.

    • Tommy1733

      So why is it bad for someone to be gay?

      • Jus_Wonderin

        No, it's okay. He just a donkey cocksucker. I forgot to put that in.

    • http://infrogmation.livejournal.com/ Infrogmation

      Cocksucker libel!

    • elgin_pelican

      Perry actually looked at the account name on all those checks Texas gets from the Potomac area – "Hot damn, free money! I'm KEEPIN' it!"

    • sbj1964

      Rick perry says he is not gay because he does not like the taste of cock;Any more.Well not any less either.

  • Barbara_

    Just go and take those fucking Dallas Cowboys with you. "America's Team" my ass.

    • http://wonkette.com/ weejee

      The Ice Bowl in Green Bay was the best game ever. Dandy Don and the Cowboyz, "American's Loozers".

      • berkeleyfarm

        I loved Dandy Don as part of the Monday night football announcer team, though.

        • GhostBuggy

          He was in a pretty great episode of "King of the Hill" as well.

          "I've always been a creeper. Violetta says I creep like the kudzu vines that are slowly but surely strangling our Dixie."

    • BaldarTFlagass

      I remember when Tex Schramm came out with that particular sobriquet back in the 70s; can't remember which member of the Oakland Raiders quipped, "So what does that make us, Nicaragua's Team?"

      • Terry

        I preferred the alternative name for the Cowboys, The Warden's Team

    • snowpointsecret

      America's (most hated) team. Though being a Packers fan, I'm a little biased.

      • BaldarTFlagass

        Being a Cowboys hater that lives in Texas, so am I.

        • James Michael Curley

          Coached by the man who killed the men's hat industry for half a century.

          • Terry

            Come one, Landry's hat was pretty darn jaunty.

      • berkeleyfarm

        It always seemed to be sort of like the Yankees in baseball – lots of money, lots of hype, lots of rah-rah, in a way that causes red-blooded fans of any other team to despise them.

        (I'm a California product, so not inclined to think much of Texans running off their mouths. Humph.)

        • http://Wonkette.com DemmeFatale

          Except the Yankees win, (sometimes).

        • SigDeFlyinMonky

          How many texans does it take to eat an armadillo?
          Three. One to eat the armadillo and two to watch for traffic.

        • BoroPrimorac

          Not all Cowboys fans are assholes, but if you're an asshole, you're probably a Cowboys fan.

      • SorosBot

        Well the Patriots are nearly as bad, and of course the Steelers are lead by an unprosecuted serial rapist. Still the Cowboys are the most hateable.

        • FNMA

          Don't forget the Eagles, led by a dog killer.

      • PugglesRule

        Packers are America's team!! Because coldness and socialist!

      • shelwood46

        I grew up in Green Bay. When I was a kid, I went to camp one summer in Fort Worth. I was picked up at the airport by the father of a local camper, who greeted me not with, "Hello," but "Yer boys beat our boys in '67." To which I could only reply, "Yes, yes, we did."

    • freakishlywrong

      Skanky cheerleaders and all. Ugh.

      • bobbert

        To be fair, quite a few years ago, I found myself on a flight out of Dallas with the Cowboy cheerleaders, and they were pretty cute in their travelling outfits.

        • Steverino247

          Bobbert Does Dallas

        • Biel_ze_Bubba

          Nothing wrong with giving a Cowgirl a ride.

    • hagajim

      They are America's Team, in the sense that they are the team America loves to hate. Fuck off Cowboys, you and your horrible quarterback Tony Homo.

    • sbj1964

      The Dallas Cowboys the only reason they can field a team is work release.

  • Sean O

    No snark for a moment: Why don't we want secession? The Southrons think evolution is fake and hate education, while my fellow Northeast folks like science and logic and safety nets and stuff.

    Why not split into 2, or more, countries? I'll gladly take PA up through Maine as our new country.

    • Geminisunmars

      It has lots of pluses, but it would mean abandoning the 20 or so folks that are rational.

      • Jus_Wonderin

        JW raises hand.

        • memzilla

          Yes, you qualify for amnesty and free relocation. Next question?

          • bikerlaureate

            (Whew)

            Then I'm in.

            Moving to FlorDuh did not raise the statewide IQ, as I had hoped – the sheer amount of proud ignorance is more resistant than first believed.

          • Sassomatic

            Fun fact about Southerners, even educated rational ones, of whom there are plenty. We have not desire to live in the North. People have no manners there.

      • Sean O

        But that's the thing: If the Northeast really did separate, I figure we would loudly offer relocation to those people who no longer want to live under a fundamentalist regime. So it would lead to an even greater amalgamation of brilliant folks in one area of the country.

        • mickeymusing

          That type of amnesty would only last until the inevitable overcrowding and strain on services pissed off the natives. Plus, the intellectual heft of all that 'brilliance' might well sink the NE into the Atlantic.

          • Sean O

            I'm currently living in Indiana for the next few weeks. There is PLENTY of spare room up here.

          • GunToting[Redacted]

            There is a reason for that.

        • nothingisamiss

          But…but….It’s cold up there. California’s part of our bright new nation, right? And can we have the US Virgin Islands?

    • LiberalMermaid

      Can the upper-east corner of Illinois pleez come with?

      • Sean O

        Couple problems: you have Indiana in the way, but it's possible we could do some sort of trade to get some of the more crazy conservatives out to turn it properly blue.

        We would require large, large shipments of Deep Dish to NewMerica, and none of that Uno's chain garbage. The good stuff.

        • memzilla

          We could do kind of a Danzig Corridor thing.

    • http://simplyleftbehind.blogspot.com/ actor212

      Can we include Hawaii? I kinda like not needing a passport. Also, too, Oregon. And California.

    • Terry

      As a native Marylander, I object to your boundaries.

      • Sean O

        Welcome aboard, I like you guys.

        • Terry

          Gay marriage by popular vote, the Dream Act, and we've had religious tolerance on the books since 1649 (only preceded in this by Rhode Island, take that Quakers!).

          We've also been annoying Virginians for centuries starting with our being founded by Papists

    • PugglesRule

      Escuse you, but please not to be sending Wisconsin off to live with the Southrons. We voted for Obama AND Tammy Baldwin.

    • Guppy

      Because it's worked so well for Korea and India?

      Try Federalist papers 2-5 or so.

    • http://dynamoe.tumblr.com nobodyssweetheart

      But who gets the nukes? You don't want 1/2 of the ex-USA's destroyers and drones and bombs and shit in the hands of New Jesusland.

      • bikerlaureate

        We'll just take all the W's off DoD keyboards in New Jesusland when we leave. That oughta do it.

    • mickeymusing

      Ahem–what about true blue Minnesota? Why should we get stuck with the reds when we're way up north? And how do you propose to deal with Colorado and Nevada who are turning blue in a virtual sea of red? And your new country in the NE would be rather foolish to exclude California. Regional bigotry is not a nice quality, sir.

      Snark aside–it's never gonna happen, so there's no use dreaming about it.

      • GunToting[Redacted]

        Arizona is blueing as well. I'd be happy to wall off all of Scottsdale, though.

      • dissidenzz

        Speaking of "true blue Minnesota", don't get me wrong, I like you guys, but especially for a blue state, how in the world do you keep re-electing Crazy Eyes? Is it just for the laughs?

      • PlanetWingNut

        o/ Beeeeeeeeee it! don't dream it. beeeeeeeeeeeeeee it ! don't dream it o/

      • Sassomatic

        "Regional bigotry is not a nice quality, sir. "

        Thank you so fucking much for giving me the sentence I need to deal with this horse shit. My fellow Wonketeers are all about nuance and historical understanding, until they get the the South-bashing thing, where their critical-thinking skills seem to abandon them all together. It boggles the mind.

    • Callyson

      Nothing says the new nation has to have contiguous borders: let's do the West Coast (plus Hawai'i), the region you mentioned, and any college towns and progressive areas in the heartland or south that want to join in. It would make for a strange looking map, but a civilized nation…

      • Sean O

        Sadly a lot of borders to patrol, but, that could work. I figured it could work to have a couple of SuperStates that would govern themselves. So, PA/Maryland up through Maine, then the rust belt as another, the Deep South, the West Coast, etc.

    • BoroPrimorac

      Why even contemplate secession when demographics are finally turning in our favor?

    • Beach_Bubba_Tex

      I'll stay here and go all Red Dawn II on their ass (at least as long as my cell stays charged)

  • HobbesEvilTwin

    If the can't "unilaterally secede", what if we make it a mutual decision?

    • greenloner

      I foresee one HUGE problem with allowing the right-wingers to concentrate themselves somewhere outside the Union. They are so fractious and war-loving that It'd be like establishing Hitler's Germany right next door. There would soon be hand-to-hand combat in the cities and suburbs, or worse, as in nuclear strikes on Union territory. They are not sane.

      • sbj1964

        Damn the nukes are in the mid west.But it's not like they would know how to fire them.Buttons have to many moving parts for Conservatards.

  • forgracie

    "I'm a Hessian….with no aggression." Yosemite Sam

    • sbj1964

      President Glen Beck of The United States of morons?

  • BaldarTFlagass

    Hey, Texas, you won't get to keep the military bases, or NASA, or the Pantex nukuler weapons manufacturing plant in Amarillo; also, the INS will patrol north of the Red River, not the Rio Grande. Keep all that shit in mind.

    • Texan_Bulldog

      None of that shit matters. Duh…the black guy got re-elected.

    • memzilla

      Hey Jawjuh? Newt? Ditto for the C-130 assembly plant in Cobb County.

    • snowpointsecret

      Wait, that means we're keeping Oklahoma? One of only three states without a single county that went for Obama?

    • Terry

      Don't forget all the subsidy checks. Medicare, Medicaid, Social Security, farm subsidies.

      • BadKitty904

        Roads, bridges, and other infrastructure…

    • Pragmatist2

      And we will buy our oil from Canada, thank you.

    • SuspectedDemocrat

      Remind me again, how many aircraft carriers does Texas have?

    • BoroPrimorac

      I reckon no Messicans are going to want their land back once the U.S. removes our military.

    • catholic4condom

      Last time some states seceded there was some disagreement over the ownership of federal installations, namely a Fort in Charleston Harbor.

    • sbj1964

      The only good thing that ever came out of Texas is I-10.

  • rocktonsam

    do they need help packing?

    I get my buddy's truck too

    • GoodDogThor

      Scott Brown?

      • sbj1964

        I will drive the conservatards to the airport myself.

  • snowpointsecret

    Please don't get rid of us, Ohio has people who signed it too and I don't want to leave this country, we finally have hope again!

    • Fare la Volpe

      Don't worry. We'll airlift the entire city of Austin out before you guys leave.

      • Negropolis

        Austin, Ohio?

        • Fare la Volpe

          I assumed s/he was talking about Texas, but if it's Ohio then we can airlift out…um…parts of Cleveland and a couple of roller coasters from Cedar Point?

          • snowpointsecret

            I was definitely talking about Ohio. (I actually searched for Austin, Ohio, and the best I found was Austintown… Which is in a very blue county, at least.)

          • ddanaan

            Actually if we make the border right down Rts 40 through Columbus, Indianapolis and Peoria it should work out fine. Let the Yahoos have the Ohio River and it's flood plain.

    • sbj1964

      Ohio can stay,but the repbulicans have to be relocated to Utah.We can set up GOP reservations,and deny them Casinos.

  • HRH_Maddie

    Haven't we been trying to give Texas back to Mexico for years? This would save us so much paperwork.

    • HistoriCat

      Hasn't Mexico suffered enough?

  • FakaktaSouth

    Yesterday I read an article about how many of the people who were signing the petition (On FACEBOOK! So you know it's official!) for Alabama to secede weren't from Alabama. No shit guys, just fucking try it, please. PLEASE.

    • berkeleyfarm

      It's on Facebook – slacktivism at its best!

    • SuspectedDemocrat

      You have to suspect something is wrong when you write a petition to secede and everyone from outside your state signs it.

  • memzilla

    Take my Confederacy… PLEASE!

    • prommie

      This right here, this is brilliance!

  • rmontcal23

    Typo.

  • memzilla

    Leave the racists. Take the cannoli.

  • SorosBot

    Can we create a petition to send the Union army to re-occupy the South to make them stop acting all treason-y again?

    • Fare la Volpe

      Why bother?

    • Steverino247

      Do it. Let us know the link and we'll pass it around. Should be great fun!

      Several points to make:

      1) Federalize the National Guard in each state where the number of petition signers exceeds 1,000 and use those troops to guard Federal installations (none of that grabbing of unguarded depots and forts like last time).
      2) Move the Navy to blockade positions outside seaports of said states in preparation for instant activation of the blockade.
      3) Alert the NIH to start a crash program to clone William Tecumseh Sherman.

  • Schmannnity

    Funny how Louisianans had no thoughts of secession when the Katrina dollars were flowing in or a BP cleanup was happening.

    • NorthStarSpanx

      Well, they sure were ungrateful the whole time.

      • http://infrogmation.livejournal.com/ Infrogmation

        The attitude here in the Katrina disaster area on the beautiful volunteer helpers v/s Brownie & BushCo's Fema has consistently been "For all who helped, a million thank yous. For those whose job it was to help, but didn't, a million f*ck yous."

        Now of course we're busy holding benefits for the Hurricane Sandy area. (Much is all too familiar. When I got electricity back 5 weeks after the storm, I was cutting edge lucky; 6 months and more was very common.)

    • Esteev

      Don't bother them with facts!

    • http://infrogmation.livejournal.com/ Infrogmation

      Point of order, the Katrina levee failure disaster area population is predominantly Democratic (and the city of New Orleans itself overwhelmingly so). Unfortunately we're outnumbered by the neo-Confederates in the northern 2/3 of the Louisiana.

  • Botlrokit

    1. The land is attached. You can't saw Florida off and float it anywhere.

    2. These people always bitched about "English only". That may be a problem for 'em now.

    3. Only the US is pro-gun, so leaving means you're unarming yourself, dumbass.

    4. If you must take anything, take Mississippi. Geographically, it's a fucking bore, and completely uninteresting. It's our very own personal Quebec.

    • HistoriCat

      1. Are you saying Loony Tunes lied?
      2. Forget your fancy "English" – they will speak Rill Murkan
      3. Well, aside from the firearms they constantly masturbate to/on/with (I don't want to know which one is correct)
      4. Needs more European sophistication.

  • Goonemeritus

    If only we had a way of democratically polling the nation about how we collectively feel about these issues.

    • Botlrokit

      …or buying those polls. But we tried that recently, too. Didn't work.

    • Esteev

      It's only a democracy if my team wins! *Thbbbbt*

    • Biel_ze_Bubba

      That's gonna take, like, four years to set up.

  • http://www.wonkette.com ManchuCandidate

    After realizing that US Amercia is the only nation that has Corprat Healf kare mandated by not gay War Jeebu$, the wingnuts have gone all Confederatzi on US Amercia failing to (yet again) realize that they have no legal grounding, what happened the last time or that US Amercia might actually be sick of their crybaby shit and cut them fucking loose.

  • SorosBot

    So how many people supporting the Texas secession page are actual treasonous Texans, and how many are normal good patriotic Americans who want to rid this country of that pestering boil shithole?

    • Goonemeritus

      I’m in I would drive down there and help them pack if it would speed this thing along.

    • elgin_pelican

      Hey, let's scan the signatories! I think Seymour Butts lives in Austin. Mike Hunt down by Brownsville…….

  • snowpointsecret

    If there is secession, I say we gerrymander the border on them just to mess with their heads. Trying to get from Texas to Arizona? Sorry about your 2,000 mile side trip!

  • Poindexter718

    19 of the 31 states where a few thousand yahoos have signed (or marked their X on) secession petitions are net takers versus makers insofar as federal tax dollars go.

  • Allmighty_Manos

    If all these wingnuts secede our quality of life ranking will jump at least 10 spots or more.. Go for it Arkansas, Mississippi, Alabama etc.

    • BaldarTFlagass

      Average national IQ numbers should spike, too.

      • memzilla

        Diabeetus numbers will plummet, also!

    • SorosBot

      And they're all states that get a hell of a lot more in federal money than they pay in taxes, except for Texas, while the East and West Coast blue states subsidize them. Dumping their freeloading asses would help with the deficit big time.

  • Fare la Volpe

    Good. Fucking. Riddance.

  • bumfug

    Secede? Cool, just don't expect me to try and stop you, much less go to war again over it.

  • smellypossum

    Someone thought of it first (don't recall where I heard it) but TX and LA should feel free to join together with the entire racist hate-filled red-state mess that is the southeastern US to form "Dumbfuckistan"

    Oh, don't forget to take Arizona with you.

    Adios motherfuckers.

  • TribecaMike

    By "union," Perry means boinky-boinky.

  • freakishlywrong

    I loathed Dubya and never voted for him. I never hated my country and her citizens though. Please, go, and let the doorknob hit your ass on the way out.

  • http://www.flickr.com/photos/30500320@N06/ DerrickWildcat

    Teatard Bluster. Aren't these the same imbeciles that scream every 10 seconds about Obama dividing our country?

  • memzilla

    In some better alternate timeline, there was no Civil War.

    Instead, President Lincoln said this:

    "You want to secede from the Union? Fine. Go ahead.

    "However, as soon as you do, the Fugitive Slave Law becomes null and void. Any slave who crosses the Ohio River or the Mason-Dixon line will not be returned to you and is a freedman forever.

    "So between the loss of your free unpaid labor, and the cost of garrisoning thousands of miles of border and coastline and inland waterways, good luck with your economy on that.

    "Now if you'll excuse me, I've got tickets waiting for me at the will-call window at Ford's Theater."

    • Redgyal

      Interesting. Considering that the slave population outnumbered the property owners in some areas, they would have also been leaving themselves open to a attempted revolts

      • catholic4condom

        The Abolition movement would not go away. They would smuggle slaves out and weapons in. The CSA would have built a border fence and would have went to war with the USA anyway over the activities of he Abolitionists.

  • http://intensedebate.com/people/mrblifil mrblifil

    Is this some kind of thinly veiled paid campaign for the soon-to-be-released Lincoln?

    • Blueb4sinrise

      !!!!!!
      and the James Bond – Petraeus connection.
      Hollywood IS running the counntry!!!!!!!!!

    • TribecaMike

      Brought to you by the same folks who convinced millions that 2012 was a real thing.

      • Lizzietish81

        Its all an ancient Mayan Conspiracy, they're making a come back.

  • Aridzona

    If at first you don't secede, try, try again.

    • Botlrokit

      Nicely played.

    • PugglesRule

      You're waited almost 150 years to write this, haven't you?

  • DixvilleCrotch

    How much you wanna bet they bring back slavery after they secede?

    • Fare la Volpe

      Bring it "back"? When did it stop?

      • Redgyal

        In their imagination you mean, right?

    • Negropolis

      LOL! I'd like to see them fuckin' try. You don't let a people taste freedom for as long as we have an expect to put this genie back in the bottle. The South would burn to the ground before they introduced Southern-styled slavery, again.

  • TootsStansbury

    They will name their new wingnut paradise The Independent Republic of Butthurt Randtards.

  • ttommyunger

    I'm pretty sure when learning of this development, Barry and I had the same reaction: we yawned, chuckled softly to ourselves and farted loudly in Southernly direction.

  • sbj1964

    Wait a minute the stupid people want to form they're own country? Bet they name it Teabeckastan.

    • hagajim

      Or maybe GlenBeckistan – would be about as relevant.

      • SuspectedDemocrat

        GlenBeckyBeckyStanStan

  • neiltheblaze

    We shouldn't allow the Red States to secede – we should demote them to Territory status and appoint their governors until they prove they can govern themselves again.

    • NorthStarSpanx

      But we can't risk Niki Haley's impressive effort to bring more jobs to her State so far.

    • SorosBot

      Like I said, restart reconstruction!

    • CrankyLttlCamperette

      No, no, no…we let them secede then we send in the military and reclaim those states and make them Federal Districts like DC — so we can tax them but they get no representation in Congress. Problem solved!

      • http://www.boskolives.wordpress.com boskolives

        My position for Quebec has always been that Canada should let them secede and subsequently fail, then buy the province back for a dime on the loon (ask a Canadian). This would drop the onus on the rest of the country of supporting them with their taxes to make up for what the Quebecois didn't pay, maintaining dual language schools, signs, ballots, etc. It would work just as well in our own South Bumfuckistan, except I think a few pennies on the dollar should do it.

  • prommie

    Fakakta performed the most incredible live, spoken word rant on this subject this morning, went on for 10 minutes of brilliance and wit, invective and derision, she could be a fucking star I tells ya, the anti-Limbaugh voice of sanity, I can't begin to recount it except to note that it began with the statistics on the ratio of taxes paid to federal dollares received for the seceding welfare states and how much they milk from the federal government that they despise, and then she took off. I am as always in awe of her knowledge, intellect, wit, and righteous anger.

    • http://simplyleftbehind.blogspot.com/ actor212

      An oral presentation, eh?

      Pics or GTFO!

      • FakaktaSouth

        Oh geez, it was on the phone this time, sorry. But all the naked ranting and stomping about the states vs the federal government will be televised next time, I promise you. God I am such a nerd.

    • FakaktaSouth

      You are so crazy, but very sweet to me. It IS a fact though, when a state gets 2.02 from the Federal government for every 1 dollar it puts in and then starts raising hell about being part of the organization because they are too stupid to understand how good they've got it, well, fuck it man, it's back of the hand time bitches. (And we'll be taking that TVA contract, your military bases and all port authority you ever thought to have, an do enjoy keeping them borders safe). Fucking brilliant these secessioners are, always.

      • GeorgiaBurning

        Good point about the TVA. We take the dams, leave the water

    • schvitzatura

      Available transcript?

      • prommie

        She is the one with the amazing memory and near-perfect recall. I could not do justice to it.

    • Botlrokit

      Is there a Wonkette Morning Conference Call? Goddammit, Editrix, is there a podcast and floor show, too? Are you going to advertise or something?!

    • vtxmcrider

      Here is an ever so timely piece that is guaranteed to delight:
      http://www.fuckthesouth.com

  • Texan_Bulldog

    Rick Perry “believes in the greatness of our Union and nothing should be done to change it,"

    Translation: keep sending those sweet, sweet federal dollars our way since the praying thing hasn't worked out so well.

  • http://www.flickr.com/photos/30500320@N06/ DerrickWildcat

    Let's let the landlocked states secede. Reroute roads to go around the state and aggressively defend U.S. airspace.

    • GoodDogThor

      Border fence! Bi-lingual only (pig latin acceptable…)

  • CrunchyKnee

    Wait a minute, all the Hessians I know listen to metal and skateboard. Well, they do shoot guns, but mostly at targets, while drunk, for pictures to post on their Facespace accounts.

    Lemmy tattoos in every pot!

  • secanonymous

    Let Texas secede. Declare a conflict. Drone strike every registered Republican home. Storm the capital–take down Bush's statue. Claim victory. Repeat every 8 years.

    P.S. Petraeus, I've got this from here.

    • schvitzatura

      Austin rhymes with Berlin…which means airlift to Sane City, TX…

      • HistoriCat

        I realize everybody looooves fucking Austin but they're not the only blue county surrounded by a sea of red in Texas.

  • Lizzietish81

    Friend of mine from Russia once told me that every election in that country, there's someone who vows to get Alaska back.

    I see no reason to not let them…

  • Fare la Volpe

    I say we take off and nuke the entire site from orbit.

    It's the only way to be sure.

    • TribecaMike

      Knock it off, Hudson.

  • NorthStarSpanx

    Turns out the sense of entitlement in the (newly defined) 47% class is pretty audacious. Let 'em go, see how far they go without Uncle Subsidy.

  • http://simplyleftbehind.blogspot.com/ actor212

    This clown needs only a few signatures. We Wonkies should give him assistance in helping Texas secede.¹

    ¹#tonguefirmlyincheek

  • BaldarTFlagass

    Maybe this new country they build out of the seceded states can merge with the nation it will most resemble, and become known as Western Somalia.

    • http://www.wonkette.com ManchuCandidate

      White Somalia was already taken by Arizona?

    • PugglesRule

      Walmart Somalia?

  • http://www.boskolives.wordpress.com boskolives

    It would be great for the rest of America if we could pack 'em all off to Florida, and then recreate the team that dug the Panama Canal, can you dig it? But there would be a need to put a "Manhattan Project" rush on it, also. Remember that 2016 is just around the figurative corner, in a New York minute, too.

    • BoroPrimorac

      We're winning the war against the old farts who vote republican and you want us to relinquish one of the most naturally beautiful states in the union? Fuck that noise.

  • Schmannnity

    Finally. A purpose for all those FEMA prisons.

  • http://simplyleftbehind.blogspot.com/ actor212

    So what's the downside if a few states secede peacefully? I mean, think about it. Think about the starving residents of Kansas as they are surrounded by the rest of the United States. We can stand at the border and laugh at them and tease them with bottles of Coke and new iPads….it'll be like one giant zoo exhibit only the apes won't fling poo!

    • BigSkullF*ckingDog

      And then we can hire Kansasians (?) to mow our lawn for cheap. Build the danged fence already also, too.

    • http://www.wonkette.com/ FlownOver

      Can we have a Berlin-style airlift in and out of Lawrence? Pretty please? We'll build our own wall if it'll help.

      • http://simplyleftbehind.blogspot.com/ actor212

        Only if you promise to disarm the nukes first.

        • http://www.wonkette.com/ FlownOver

          Disarm?

          We just said "Screw it" and detonated them back in '83. Most of the radiation has dissipated, and all the mutants moved to Topeka to start a church.

  • Negropolis

    I heard Michigan has one of these petitions. For the life of me, I'll never understand all of the secession talk and the few Confederate flags I've seen up here from people's whose ancestors fought and died to keep the country, together. Hell, the only statue of a person on the Michigan Capitol grounds – and the most visible and central monument on the grounds – is a statue of Austin Blair, one of the most fiery abolitionist govenors in the country, at the time.

    The stupidity and offensiveness of the exercize just leaves me breathless.

  • Botlrokit

    As an outed atheist, I would love to see how a Christian country's constitution would read. This may sound treasonous, but seriously, I'd love to watch this evolve.

    MAKE IT SO, Christianists!

    • Blueb4sinrise

      cf:Saudi Arabia; Iran

      • Botlrokit

        I'm thinking more of "Baptist versus Methodist", or "Presbyterian versus Mormon".

        Somehow, I think they'll finally figure out why AMENDMENT ONE was so well worded — but they had to find out the hard way.

  • http://www.notfrisco.com/colmatales/norton/proclaim.html#declaration Joshua Norton

    Adios mofo.

  • http://facethesuncastnoshadow.wordpress.com/ Mumbletypeg

    "I am a part of all that I have stepped in.
    And all experience is a stage wherethrough
    Gleams that uncomprehended audience whose members laugh
    Forever and forever when I gaffe." — Ricky, Lord Perryson

  • Oblios_Cap

    This is the most exciting development since the remake of Red Dawn!

    Wolverines!

    • James Michael Curley

      They did it A SECOND TIME?

      • TribecaMike

        Yep, and starring an Aussie with the least convincing American accent since Renee Zellweger in Cold Mountain.

        • Oblios_Cap

          Though, if they secede, the Wolverines! cry will have to be replaced. It'll remain with the USA.

        • bobbert

          Wait, Renee Z was born in Tex…

          Oh, now ISWYDT. Nevermind.

          • TribecaMike

            You wouldn't know it from watching the flick (which I do not, repeat do not, recommend you do).

        • SuspectedDemocrat

          I heard they had to change the bad guys from China to North Korea, because somebody in the studio forgot the cold war is over and we can't be making enemies out of our economic trading partners. So yeah, millions of North Koreans invade, defeat, and occupy the U.S. I suppose it's as plausible as the Cuban-Nicaraguan axis of the first movie.

  • Negropolis

    First in treason, last in everything else.

    I know, I know: Mississippi libel.

    • TribecaMike

      James DeMint is prematurely spinning in his grave.

  • http://theblueelite.blogspot.com simplyblue7

    South Carolina isn't the first one this time? What a sham!

  • BadKitty904

    OT: HAPPY DIWALI to our Hindu, Sikh, and Jain Wonketeers!!! :0)

  • Negropolis

    Wait, so a scattered group of citizens mostly from the Party of Lincoln – you know, the guy who wanted to keep the Union together – is calling for secession?

    They keep this shit up, and their going to wake up the Zombie Abraham.

  • Blueb4sinrise

    This petition drive is a nefarious plot by O'Bamz to get the locations of all true Amerikkans. For targeting purposes.

  • el_donaldo

    I nominate Allen West to be president of New TeaBagistan. I hear he's looking for a new gig.

  • http://loljazzcatz.blogspot.com/2012/06/introducing-bad-note-millstones-of-jazz.html Chet Kincaid_

    It's not just the blue states that have all the money and brains, it's the blue counties in the red states. And we smug northern fuckers need to look around and realize the South begins as soon as our cell signals revert to 2G, even in North Dakota.

    • James Michael Curley

      While running ragged tryng to get people out of water and collapsing homes for the first few days after Sandy, I found a 7-11 running on generator power and stopped off for my first hot coffee three days. Outside was a guy with the full mulletification of a guy from the deep red south in his 'Stars and Bars' emblazoned truck with the "Bochephus III' emblazoned across the front had a MASS license plates. Since he had a winch on his truck I asked if he had an hour or so to pull some drift wood off a road which was blocking the only road in and out of a low lying area. His response was, "I'm really just passing through. How much does it pay?" Then he saw me get in the OBAMA stickers and he called me a … guess … ? Wouldn't do it unless I paid him.

  • http://howtosavetheworld.ca/ BZ1

    Didn't Mittens win the Presidency of the Confederacy; it'll give him something to do.

  • Estproph

    What if they won't secede?

  • Ruhe

    I love this secession idea as it's a fair litmus test for separating the people who are conservative due to misinformation/lazy thinking from the ones who are genuinely brain damaged.

    • TribecaMike

      That's exactly what James Madison said.

  • Esteev

    This is the political equivalent of a child holding its breath when it doesn't get its way.

    • Lizzietish81

      I saw we let him until he passes out, just for the hilarity.

  • Jus_Wonderin

    Could we literally put their suitcases on America's front lawn?

    • Barrelhse

      "And their best sharkskin suit, right on top of some dog-waste!"

  • IonaTrailer

    Don't let the back door hit ya, where the good lord split ya.

    • http://www.wonkette.com/ FlownOver

      As Rabbi Avram Belinsky put it, "Would somebody please show these poor assholes the way out of town?"

  • http://simplyleftbehind.blogspot.com/ actor212

    Hey, what if Wonkette got together a petition that some WH intern could ignore?

    I vote a petition for those cakes we like. Anyone up for writing one?

    • Fare la Volpe

      We could call it the Cedar Cheese Initiative.

    • Blueb4sinrise

      Isn't there a Weedlord petition ?

    • Jus_Wonderin

      We could petition to make Wonkette the official blog of the United States.

      • bobbert

        This. This I like.

      • http://simplyleftbehind.blogspot.com/ actor212

        Megaupfists!

  • Terry

    Why don't we all pick one state that we're not using all that much anyway, say Utah or Oklahoma, and have all the folks who want to secede move there then break away.

  • PinkoPopulist

    Any one else from a blue state going to sign every petition from worthless states like Texas, Tennessee, Kentucky, Alaska, Montana, Idaho, Utah, Arizona (DEFINITELY signing that one), North Dakota, South Dakota, Arkansas, Mississippi, Alabama, Georgia, South Carolina, Flori-duh? I know I am

  • Negropolis

    You got your federal troops in my Charleston Harbor! No, you got your Charleston Harbor in my federal troops!

    Civil War 2: Electric Bugaloo.

    When Civil War 2 comes to America, it will be wrapped in a muumuu and carrying a cross.

    • Esteev

      Don't shoot (with votes) until you see the whites of their Hostess cupcakes' center!

      • Negropolis

        Don't shoot until you see the whites! (with votes)

  • Pragmatist2

    Hessian Mercenary Libel!!!!!

  • http://simplyleftbehind.blogspot.com/ actor212

    Ooooh, hey everyone! Uberrelevant!

    • bobbert

      It's already gone meta!

      • TribecaMike

        Take that, Wachowski's!

    • http://infrogmation.livejournal.com/ Infrogmation

      Okay, I was just going to propose a petition that those who petition for succession be required to wear dunce hats, but this is even better.

  • Misty Malarky

    Can dependably blue areas like Austin, Nashville, Atlanta, New Orleans, and here in Savannah (my voting district voted 72% for Obama!) become protectorates or territories or something?

    Actually, Savannah already is the property of the Yankees Union: Sherman gave Lincoln the city of Savannah as a Christmas present in 1864* and I believe he included the official statement of 'no take backs'.

    * Seriously. He did.

    • HistoriCat

      We could use a man like General Sherman.

      • bikerlaureate

        Didn't need no welfare state…

  • CrankyLttlCamperette

    It's never too soon to post this again…

  • http://loljazzcatz.blogspot.com/2012/06/introducing-bad-note-millstones-of-jazz.html Chet Kincaid_

    I will pop some popcorn and watch Majority-Minority Texas have a Civil War over having a Civil War.
    http://www.texastribune.org/texas-counties-and-de
    http://www.tmdailypost.com/article/politics/will-

    • TribecaMike

      Eva Longoria/Rosie Perez 2016! Or vice versa.

  • prommie

    OT, but man oh man oh man, as the Petraus story emerges, it appears that its this Jill Kelley woman, the OTHER other woman, who is the one with the fucking magical pussy that makes men, generals, FBI Agents, and anything else that enters its gravitational field, go fucking cuckoo for cocoa-puffs off the fucking rails yodeling naked in the street CRAZY!

    • FakaktaSouth

      She's like the REAL prostitute that Eliot Spitzer was down and went down for, and that goofy jersey girl got all the whore-dollars. COME ON JILL! Claim your Magic Pussy with the Gravitational Pull Crown (you really went all out there, didn't ya). Don't let that writer bitch get all the cred!
      I love distractions so so much.

      • prommie

        I'm just waiting for my real life to begin.

        • shelwood46

          Thanks for making me go listen to that.

      • http://loljazzcatz.blogspot.com/2012/06/introducing-bad-note-millstones-of-jazz.html Chet Kincaid_

        And the best part is that the FBI agent who set the whole thing in motion is a low-level Barney Fife and a Teatard. Ever watchful for a chance to get in Jill Kelley's pants, he got his bosses to start this investigation he wasn't allowed to be a part of, after she went crying to him in her tight lemon dress. But, undeterred, and still entranced by imaginings of her frilly underthings, he kept busy-bodying around until he had convinced himself that NOBAMA was quashing his gallant attempt to get some! So he runs to Eric Cantor and NewsMax, like a little crying bitch, but they won't try and sink NOBAMA before the election because of residual respect for Bush Boy Patraeus. There the poor guy sits, boner in hand, cock-blocked by NOBAMA!!
        http://www.nytimes.com/2012/11/13/us/timeline-sho

    • hagajim

      She'll be the headline star of "Real Housewives who fuck Generals Over"

    • Guppy

      It might not be a Magical Pussy. Maybe she sucks dick like Nancy Regan.

    • prommie

      Apparently it wasn't institutional, bureaucratic infighting at all, it was who gets to get In Jill Kelley fighting! I'm surprised it didn't come to fisticuffs, or even bar-clamps, before all was said and done!

    • James Michael Curley

      Saw this this morning and thought you would like to jump on it like whatever …

      Former secretary of state says two-party dominion of elections dooms process
      A former New Jersey Secretary of State says only a broad grassroots movement can accomplish what elected officials in the two parties have a vested interest in not making happen, namely greater protection of the sacred right to vote.
      DeForest “Buster” Soaries, a former Republican who served as secretary of state under Gov. Christine Todd Whitman and as an appointee to the federal Election Assistance Commission (EAC), said the protection process in the country right now amounts to political theater. (Pizarro, PolitickerNJ) http://www.politickernj.com/60999/fmr-sec-state-s

  • DahBoner

    Taking the World's Safest Medicine (Total overdose deaths : 0) is WRONG because it hurts the profits of Phizer & Budweiser…

    • prommie

      Yay safe medicine!

  • BigSkullF*ckingDog

    I'm assuming there must be nukes in the south somewhere. Do they get to keep them? I'm pretty sure they can't be trusted with any of them.

  • BadKitty904

    I say we start posting, in the Wingtard blogosphere, the rumor that these secession petitions are being used to collect names for the FEMA camps in Montana. Roll those boxcars..and WAKE UP, SHEEPLE, etc.!!!

  • http://dismalpseudoscientist.wordpress.com Defeatably_Joe

    America First! Unless they elect a black guy.

  • ghblowhard

    I do declare Miss Scarlett, our new Glorious Cause is this time we'll let them secede.

  • GeorgiaBurning

    Isn't this what Palin called the "pro-American" parts of the country? I am so disappointed

  • Guppy

    Rick Perry (…) “believes in the greatness of our Union and nothing should be done to change it,”

    He misheard the question; he thought they were asking about his hair.

  • TribecaMike

    With the ensuing savings in federal taxes I'll finally be able to afford that Aston Martin DB5 I've been wanting since my folks took me to see Goldfinger in '64.

  • http://www.wonkette.com/ FlownOver

    Richard Gatling, call on line two.

  • Sean O

    I'm down for connecting from DC up. DC is warm enough, no?

    • DCBloom

      I guess I could hang with DC…. considering global warming and all, it ought to be quite nice in a few years.

  • ingloriousbytch

    I love how these babies want to secede instead taking the simplest approach of packing their shit and leaving. We've spent too much money on these red state money pits to just let them wander off and become their own country. Either pay us back for decades of infrastructure and disaster relief or GTFO.

    • glesslib

      Or, "Self-Deport" as the Mittster recommends.

  • LibertyLover

    See? Obama is like Lincoln.

  • http://infrogmation.livejournal.com/ Infrogmation

    Sounds like a plan. The Teabaggerstan Reservation.

    • Tommy1733

      Teatardistan?

  • Beowoof

    Just fucking go, leave a check for the Interstates and no you cannot have any nukes, you're too stupid.

  • owhatever

    Do they get a really neat flag? Do we take their stars off of ours? Or should we just shoot them for being traitors?

  • barto

    Maybe we could have them secede like every Wednesday and every other weekend, kind of like visitation. I just suggest this since they're acting like children…

  • carlgt1

    the name of this new "Christian" nation should be "WhiteTrashistan"

  • glamourdammerung

    Do you (pick one):

    1. Love this country
    2. Want to secede whenever you do not get your way

    Because the two are mutually exclusive.

  • Schmegeg

    Texas secedes, USA invades, all the assorted wingnuts hole up in the Alamo and are slaughtered. A plan, indeed.

  • http://tactilepeggy.wordpress.com/ Pap Finn

    Are you gonna bark all day, little doggy, or are you gonna bite?

  • ElPinche

    SAY WHA?! WHADDYA MEAN I NEED A PASSPURT TO SEE UNCLE BUBBA IN OKLAHOEMA??? WHAT'S A PASSPURT?

  • comrad_darkness

    If Obama were really the president these guys claim he is, this would just be a clever ploy to collect the addresses of all the treasonous people needing to be rounded up.

  • glesslib

    I was just on National Catholic Reporter, where one commenter was practically wetting his/her pants with excitement that 30 states want to leave the Union. I haven't heard back since I explained that it's really not THE STATES, but random sore losers within those states who have filed the petitons, probably all of whom are card carrying Tea Baggers. Would anyone with an IQ over 8 not realize that ideantical petitions from 30 different places probably didn't just appear on their own? These people are lucky that Obamacare will help them get the medications and therapy they so desperately need.

  • missannthropethefirst

    I've signed the petitions to strip the citizenship rights of those who want to secede and have them deported.

  • viennawoods13

    "hunted down by vicious Hessian mercenaries"

    Yosemite Sam libel!

    Actually, one of my ancestors was one of those Hessians. From what I can tell he was a bit of a jerk.

  • teapartynyc2011

    Yes, what's the big deal? Sure liberals are happy to march further and further down the road to 1984, e.g., increased surveillance of citizens, NDAA, suspension of due process for citizens in cases of suspicion of terrorism. etc., the greatest assault on civil liberties in over a generation. Really, who gives a shit — OUR GUY WON!! WOO HOO!!! https://www.youtube.com/watch?feature=player_embe…!

    Before 9/11, the US routinely condemned Israel's use of targeted killing against Palestinian terrorists asserting that "the United States government is very clearly on record as against targeted assassination … they are extrajudicial killings, and we do not support that." Now that our guy won — WHOO HOO!!! What's the big deal? Gosh, why in the world would people start to think about leaving this liberal wonderland you're all creating?