Chuck Grassley’s Postmodern Tweet-Lit Phenom: ‘Assume Deer Dead’

by Doktor Zoom

In an alternate universe: "Assume senator dead"Senator Charles “Chuck” “I now h v an iphone” Grassley (R-Xanadu) just loves him some Twitter. And he tweets with all the Nrg a man can bring to the task. But a true artist knows that he must grow. He must test his limits. There is a limit (140 bytes) to just how many insanely cryptic abbreviations a creator can get away with before it all becomes stale, even, dare we say it, banal. So rather than yet another story of taking a “pixtur” with “3 SixPak voleybal(jay’steam),” the man is branching out. He’s dabbled in engineering. He’s experimented with observational comedy. And now, he is exploring the frontiers of avant-garde narrative:

Have more chilling words ever limned the fluorosphere?

“Assume Deer Dead.” It’s practically a Chuck Palahniuk novel all in itself. It is awesome and manly and essentialist, man battling for his place in the universe, with success, in darkness. It is an “Easy Rider” for today. It is an epic in the making — we’re thinking Paul Verhoeven should direct. If this tweet has not been optioned and a screenplay greenlit by the end of the weekend, then Hollywood truly is the stinking cesspit of creative imbecility that John Nolte says it is.

It is not merely one Senator’s speculation about the outcome of an encounter between car and beast. Nay: It is literature itself:

  • Many years later, as he faced the firing squad, Senator Carlos Hierbalia was to remember that distant evening when he and Federico hit a deer. He assumed the deer had died. The internet was so recent that many things lacked hashtags, and in order to indicate them it was necessary to point.
  • We were just outside of Dyersville on the edge of the prairie when the deer died. I remember saying something like “I think that deer’s dead; maybe you should drive….” And suddenly there was a terrible roar all around us and the sky was full of what looked like huge deer, all swooping and screeching and diving around the car, which was going about a hundred miles an hour with the top down to Las Vegas. And a voice was screaming “Holy Jesus! What are these goddamn animals?”
  • The deer are not what they seem

  • It was neither déjà vu, presque vu nor jamais vu. It was possible that none of what the Senator thought had taken place, really had taken place, that he was dealing with an aberration of memory rather than of perception, that he never really had thought he had seen what he now thought he once did think he had seen, that his impression now that he once had thought so was merely the illusion of and illusion, and that he was only now imagining that he had ever once assumed he had seen a naked deer sitting in a tree at the cemetery.
  • Along twenty Iowa hiways,
    The only moving thing
    Was the flying carcass of a deer.
  • If you really want to hear about it, the first thing you’ll probably want to know is where Fred and I hit the deer, and how I fixed the lousy fender, and how fast we were going that night, and all that Bambi kind of crap, but I don’t feel like going into it, if you want to know the truth.
  • As Gregor Samsa awoke one morning from uneasy dreams he found himself transformed in his bed into a deceased ungulate.
  • The deer was dead: to begin with. There is no doubt whatever about that. The account of his death was Tweeted by the hand that held the steering-wheel. Grassley Tweeted it: and Grassley’s name was good in the Senate, for anything he chose to put his hand to. The old deer was as dead as a door-nail.
  • Listn: Sen. Grassley hz come unstck in time. Assumes deer dead. So it goz.

Assume deer dancing This is just to say
I hit the deer that was
grazing
too close to the side
of the road

and which
you were probably
hoping
would gambol through
the woods

Forgive me
It was incredible
So loud
and so thumpy

  • Grassley believed in the “Follow” button, the digital future that year by year recedes before us. It eluded us then, but that’s no matter — tomorrow we will drive faster, pull out our fender farther…. And one fine morning –
    So we beat on, deer against the traffic, borne back ceaselessly into the past.

[Twitter / #assumedeerdead]

 
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{ 265 comments }

BaldarTFlagass October 26, 2012 at 10:20 am

Your move, Bambi.

Esteev October 26, 2012 at 10:58 am

I don't think he can…

BaldarTFlagass October 26, 2012 at 11:09 am

One night a couple weeks ago, my sweet little doggies came in the house and Mildred's front legs were covered in blood. I discovered that they had killed a juvenile deer in the back yard. I rinsed the dogs off and brought them in for the night, figuring on burying the poor thing in the morning. But in the morning, it was gone! At first I thought it might be Ungulate Jesus risen, but found the carcass had been moved to the other side of the yard by some other critter that also tore it apart. Gross. I'm the kind of guy that retches when he smells a bad fart, so the cleanup was not the high point of my day…

Esteev October 26, 2012 at 11:14 am

Do you own a pack of wolves?!

BaldarTFlagass October 26, 2012 at 11:18 am

Mildred and Gertrude are, respectively, a spaniel mix and a chow mix, both with very gentle temperaments; I guess the wolf gene isn't that far below the surface.

Lionel[redacted]Esq October 27, 2012 at 1:39 am

I still rember the trailer from Bambi II: "Do we get to win this time?"

Come here a minute October 26, 2012 at 10:21 am

It was the best of deer, it was the worst of deer.

Wadisay October 26, 2012 at 3:08 pm

When English majors go bad…

weejee October 26, 2012 at 10:23 am

Gimme shelter.

elviouslyqueer October 26, 2012 at 10:23 am

D'oe!

kyeshinka October 26, 2012 at 10:58 am

A deer!

Tequila Mockingbird October 26, 2012 at 11:04 am

A female deer!

slappy_maxwell October 26, 2012 at 10:23 am

Tommy: "We hit a deer and his paw or what do ya call it?"
Ma: "The paw."
Tommy: "The paw."
Jimmy Conway: "The hoof."
Tommy: "The hoof got caught in that grill and I gotta, I gotta hack it off."
Tommy's Mother: "Oo.. "
Tommy: "Hey, ma, it's a sin. You gotta leave it there, you know."

freakishlywrong October 26, 2012 at 10:24 am

When you're a wingnut, everything looks like a fail.

GemlikeFlame October 26, 2012 at 11:03 am

When you are a wing nut, everything you do, will do, have done, or even contemplated doing in this and any future or past lives is a fail.

Texan_Bulldog October 26, 2012 at 10:24 am

Running over animals is how they hunt in TX.

LibertyLover October 26, 2012 at 10:46 am

Also by putting animals on fenced-in farms so you can track 'em and then shoot them against the fence.

BaldarTFlagass October 26, 2012 at 10:49 am

Hey, it works for Dick Cheney.

LibertyLover October 26, 2012 at 11:13 am

To be fair, Dick also shoots his friends in the face…

Lot_49 October 26, 2012 at 11:00 am

It's the ancient story of Man against Nature, with Nature fatted to sedation and trapped against a chain link fence.

Biff October 26, 2012 at 11:41 am
thisguy03 October 26, 2012 at 12:02 pm

My wife has run down two deer this year, Texas-style. Much to the detriment of her Volkswagen's bodywork.

Lionel[redacted]Esq October 26, 2012 at 12:55 pm

Armadillos are the primary game animal in Texas?

Sharkey October 26, 2012 at 10:24 am

Next time, remember Rule #2: The Double Tap.

LibrarianX October 26, 2012 at 10:24 am

Idiot Grassley has just written the script for a brilliant Zombie movie in which undead deer chase his cranky old ass all across Iowa.

kyeshinka October 26, 2012 at 11:04 am

I'm rooting for the deer. Anyone else?

BaldarTFlagass October 26, 2012 at 10:24 am

Where are the dead deer of yesteryear?

prommie October 26, 2012 at 11:02 am

With Snowden.

Mumbletypeg October 26, 2012 at 11:13 am

"I hit every deer twice!!" — Chuck Grassley

eggsacklywright October 26, 2012 at 10:25 am

Who is Fred? His "wife?"

BadKitty904 October 26, 2012 at 10:27 am

I thought "special friend" was the accepted Midwestern terminology…

commiegirl99 October 26, 2012 at 10:40 am

"roommate"

HempDogbane October 26, 2012 at 10:57 am

"Special friend" is only for the obituary.

BaldarTFlagass October 26, 2012 at 10:53 am

Maybe Fred is Falstaff to Grassley's Prince Hal.

LibertyLover October 26, 2012 at 11:14 am

Poncho to Don Quixote?

kyeshinka October 26, 2012 at 11:00 am

It's legal in Iowa now.

gurukalehuru October 26, 2012 at 1:00 pm

It's just Derf spelled backwards.

Gleem McShineys October 26, 2012 at 7:23 pm

Actually, I want to know who Fender and Tire are. Are those some other Romney boys??

Lionel[redacted]Esq October 27, 2012 at 1:41 am

I thought they were his rhythm section.

veritass October 26, 2012 at 10:25 am

I'm slow clapping at work.

mrpuma2u October 26, 2012 at 10:47 am

I especially liked the Williams Carlos Williams homage. Nice Dr Z. A scary personal admission, I know where Dyersville is.

freakishlywrong October 26, 2012 at 10:25 am

And who the fuck is "Fred", for fuck's sake?

BaldarTFlagass October 26, 2012 at 10:41 am

I think maybe he's hanging out with Fred Thompson, who is probably trying to convince him to get one of those AAG reverse mortgage things.

deanbooth October 26, 2012 at 10:51 am

Or fell asleep at the wheel.

HempDogbane October 26, 2012 at 10:47 am

I nominate Fred Grandy.

Mumbletypeg October 26, 2012 at 10:50 am

GOPHER LIBEL!!1!

eggsacklywright October 26, 2012 at 10:49 am

I'm telling you now, it was Freddy and the Dreamers.

shelwood46 October 26, 2012 at 11:17 am

This one? (Scroll down)

Goonemeritus October 26, 2012 at 10:26 am

Well that’s a little better than my Sister-In –Law who claims she has” been hit by 4 deer”.

BerkeleyBear October 26, 2012 at 10:47 am

Suicidal animals are a serious problem. We need to lace their salt licks with Prozac.

I kid, but I swear I did have a rabbit jump into my car years ago. I don't know why, but it mattered to me at the time that it hit the car and not the other way around.

Goonemeritus October 26, 2012 at 10:51 am

Don't feel bad I have hit and killed two animals with my bicycle.

PsycWench October 26, 2012 at 10:52 am

Maybe it was the same rabbit that tried to attack Jimmy Carter.

Biff October 26, 2012 at 11:48 am

Vorpal bunnies are not to be trifled with!

MosesInvests October 26, 2012 at 11:23 am

A moose bit my sister once. No, rilly!

bobbert October 26, 2012 at 11:27 am

Your SIL is a regular Einstein.

Chet Kincaid_ October 26, 2012 at 11:28 am

"Regular Einsteins" band-name dibs!

Goonemeritus October 26, 2012 at 2:23 pm

Truth is she is a perfectly lovely person but like most drivers she has a little trouble admitting culpability. One of my personal observations is that I very rarely run into anyone that has had an auto accident that was their fault.

Lionel[redacted]Esq October 26, 2012 at 12:57 pm

But that is what God intended, right?

viennawoods13 October 26, 2012 at 4:26 pm

Hey. Twice we have been hit by a deer, coming bounding out of nowhere and colliding with the car. Besides, for insurance purposes you always say the deer hit you.

eggsacklywright October 26, 2012 at 10:26 am

I wouldn't hit that.

BadKitty904 October 26, 2012 at 10:26 am

Shots from the Grassley knoll…

weejee October 26, 2012 at 10:26 am

Does deer hunter Chuck think the deer were playing Russian roulette?

BaldarTFlagass October 26, 2012 at 10:34 am

Fuckin' Ay!

BadKitty904 October 26, 2012 at 10:36 am

Di-di mao!

eggsacklywright October 26, 2012 at 10:36 am

You mean Chuck was loaded?

BerkeleyBear October 26, 2012 at 10:47 am

It was the new version of tag.

Lot_49 October 26, 2012 at 11:02 am

Afterwards they all went to 100-P Alley and visited the steam-and-cream.

weejee October 26, 2012 at 11:19 am

Piastre-plastered drinking beloved Ba moui Ba, #33 export.

Lot_49 October 26, 2012 at 11:29 am

You buy for me, one Saigon Ho Chi Minh City Tea?

mrblifil October 26, 2012 at 10:26 am

More and more the timeline is raising the question of why, if the torture was to prevent deer collisions, it seemed to happen mainly during the period when the Bush crowd was looking for what was essentially political information to justify the invasion of deer.

Jus_Wonderin October 26, 2012 at 10:35 am

"Deer Laden Determined to Attack Chuck Grassley"

sullivanst October 26, 2012 at 10:56 am

After the collision, Chuck's car was Deer Laden as he took the roadkill home for dinner.

RomneysLogCabin October 26, 2012 at 10:26 am

and by deer, he means Nrg

BaldarTFlagass October 26, 2012 at 10:27 am

I'm just glad that the Senator didn't hit some fucking anime cartoon pony.

AlterNewt October 26, 2012 at 10:37 am

That's a terrible thing to say. Thank you.

PsycWench October 26, 2012 at 10:55 am

Depends on what you mean by "hit".

kittensdontlie October 26, 2012 at 11:32 am

And if Fred is his penis,…what was happening on that dark country road, was no accident.

noodlesalad October 26, 2012 at 10:27 am

In the beginning, there was dark. And then there was the light of the headlights. And Grassley said "I assume that deer is dead." And there was a dead deer, and it was good eatin.

eggsacklywright October 26, 2012 at 10:27 am

Oh, deer, poor fellow.

SorosBot October 26, 2012 at 10:28 am

Deera viurumqe cano.

tessiee October 26, 2012 at 10:28 am

He was driving along, *minding his own goddamn business*, when the muthafuckin' deer *jumped out and hit him*:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=bBa0blUoE8U&fe

prommie October 26, 2012 at 11:04 am

One time when Bill Cosby was driving along in his car, Captain America, a tree jumped right out of the forest and bit his car!

Mittaplasia October 26, 2012 at 11:49 am

One time I drunkenly swerved to avoid a tree, totaling my car. Later I found that it was just the little pine air freshener hanging from the rearview. Bummer!

natl_[redacted]_cmdr October 26, 2012 at 11:43 am

"Now who gets the deer? Me or the dog?"

Philosophers and theologians have been trying to answer that question since the beginning of time and it will take past the end of time for us to ever have an answer.

Joshua Norton October 26, 2012 at 10:29 am

“Assume Deer Dead.”

Let's see if Julie Andrews can come up with a little ditty to go with that one.

BadKitty904 October 26, 2012 at 10:32 am

"Doe, a deer, a female deer,
Buck, a male deer squashed by Chuuuuuuck…"

freakishlywrong October 26, 2012 at 10:32 am

"Doe a deer, a dead,dead deer"♪♪

Generation[redacted] October 26, 2012 at 10:35 am

♪♪ So long, farewell, assume the deer is dead ♪♪

elviouslyqueer October 26, 2012 at 10:39 am

#winning

BaldarTFlagass October 26, 2012 at 10:29 am

"It is a far, far better rest that I go to than I have ever known."
—Sidney Deerton

YouFail4eva October 26, 2012 at 11:04 am

So many upfists for that!

EatsBabyDingos October 26, 2012 at 10:29 am

Rearrange Chuck's name and you get "Gassy Chuckler." That is what I am going to be for Halloween. I will build a little church bench for only me, because The Gassy Chuckler should always sit in his own pew.

freakishlywrong October 26, 2012 at 10:42 am

assume comment fabby.

eggsacklywright October 26, 2012 at 10:52 am

Insert French skunk joke here _____________.

BornInATrailer October 26, 2012 at 10:31 am

Oh, hats off to the Dr. for this.

deanbooth October 26, 2012 at 10:50 am

And to the Wonketeers.

Mumbletypeg October 26, 2012 at 10:55 am

It seems Dok *knows* what will thrill us, somehow… Oh right YES because he's been wonk'ing with us for years…

PugglesRule October 26, 2012 at 10:31 am

Wow, Iowa deer must be pretty wimpy. If he'd hit a deer here in Wisconsin, it would have totaled the car and Grassley and buddy would have been calling a wrecker to come and tow them.

shelwood46 October 26, 2012 at 11:23 am

You are assuming it was a deer. I think ol' Chuck was assuming the deer part, not the dead part. Coulda been a dog, coulda been a young girl walking home from school.

BaldarTFlagass October 26, 2012 at 10:32 am

"The first time Grassley saw the dead deer, he fell madly in love with him."

Generation[redacted] October 26, 2012 at 10:32 am

I saw the best deer of my generation destroyed by fenders,
Starving, hysterical, naked, dragging through the farm roads at dawn

Mumbletypeg October 26, 2012 at 10:52 am

*weeps*…Touché

viennawoods13 October 26, 2012 at 4:29 pm

This deserves SO many fists!

SorosBot October 26, 2012 at 10:32 am

Besides "assume deer dead", I'm wondering about the statement that "we continued to farm". So did they get back on to a tractor and resume harvesting?

eggsacklywright October 26, 2012 at 10:38 am

With a John Deere, no doubt.

HempDogbane October 26, 2012 at 10:52 am

Also confusing when Chuck employs the rarely used subject/object/predicate style.

Jus_Wonderin October 26, 2012 at 10:54 am

I assumed "we continued to farm" was some sexytime euphemism.

MissTaken October 26, 2012 at 10:56 am

I assumed "fender rubbing on tire' was the sexytime euphemism.

Chet Kincaid_ October 26, 2012 at 10:57 am

Thanks, I don't feel so alone now!

SorosBot October 26, 2012 at 10:58 am

Great, now I've got the mental image of Grassley sex in my head; urgh.

noodlesalad October 26, 2012 at 10:33 am

Arjuna said: O Lord of lords, so fierce of form, please tell me who You are. I offer my obeisances unto You; please be gracious to me. I do not know what Your twitters mean, and I desire to understand of them.

The Blessed Grassley said: Behold, I am become death, destroyer of the deer, and I have come to confuse all people.

eggsacklywright October 26, 2012 at 10:40 am

Ah, so Chuck is a puppet of the Javanese?

pinkocommi October 26, 2012 at 10:33 am

Exactly how much "medical marijuana" was involved the creation of this post?

commiegirl99 October 26, 2012 at 10:43 am

some.

Biff October 26, 2012 at 12:01 pm

I always get the munchies thinking about deer, too.

LibertyLover October 26, 2012 at 11:18 am

kkkkkkkkk

FlownOver October 26, 2012 at 6:01 pm

AOI,K

Chet Kincaid_ October 26, 2012 at 10:34 am

In the beginning, God created the heavens and the earth. Begat begat begat, He is risen as He said, Chuck Grassley hit a deer.

Jus_Wonderin October 26, 2012 at 10:34 am

The buck stops here???????????

reliefsinn October 28, 2012 at 6:58 am

consider the sad case of chuck
When driving, ran into a buck
Oh my dear, he just came too near!
While Fred opined, what the f***

Allmighty_Manos October 26, 2012 at 10:34 am

The creepy thing is Fred died 40-years-ago.

eggsacklywright October 26, 2012 at 10:41 am

It's difficult to see in the Twilight Zone.

asterixaverni October 26, 2012 at 10:34 am

Fucking brilliant.

Long, slow clap.

Selfish_T October 26, 2012 at 10:35 am

Living deer are all alike; every dead deer died in its own way.

Mumbletypeg October 26, 2012 at 10:35 am

"Terms of Endeerment"

BoatOfVelociraptors October 26, 2012 at 3:32 pm

Vehicular Venison?
Headlight Admirer?
5 Points?

tessiee October 26, 2012 at 10:36 am

Once upon a midnight dreary
While I wandered, meek and deery,
Nibbling at the tender grasses growing on the forest floor;
Suddenly, there came Chuck Grassley
Who was driving very crassly,
He ran over my poor assly,
Now I'll wander… nevermore.

BadKitty904 October 26, 2012 at 10:41 am

by Edgar Allan Doe

eggsacklywright October 26, 2012 at 10:41 am

Poe little thing.

James Michael Curley October 26, 2012 at 10:43 am

Great!

mrpuma2u October 26, 2012 at 10:45 am

Oh deer!

Chet Kincaid_ October 26, 2012 at 10:53 am

Love it.

Lionel[redacted]Esq October 27, 2012 at 1:55 am

Brava!

BaldarTFlagass October 26, 2012 at 10:37 am

Round where I live, there are deer everywhere. Look, deer, there is plenty of land out there that does not butt up against the road. Stay the fuck away from the roads. And my neighbor's garden. Jesus, they're like rats, but with antlers.

mrpuma2u October 26, 2012 at 11:35 am

and unlike rats, carriers of lyme disease bearing ticks! Bambi bonus!

viennawoods13 October 26, 2012 at 4:42 pm

My car gets hit one more time and insurance will write it off for sure. I'm about to finish paying for the fucking thing, so deer: STAY AWAY!!

Mumbletypeg October 26, 2012 at 10:37 am

I saw the best deer of my Generation[redacted] destroyed by madness / starving hysterical naked

Wadisay October 26, 2012 at 10:37 am

Call me Ismael. Only I am left alone to tell thee. The rest are dead, like the deer.

SigDeFlyinMonky October 26, 2012 at 10:37 am

That wasn't the point man. Or the point deer. He could not remember how many points the deer had or if there ever was any point to any of this. He had taken a second look at the warm bleeding carcass and saw the note, wrapped like a message on a carrier pigeon's leg, attached to the left antler. Unfurled it read "Hinkley Ohio fifth precinct third booth Diebold upper left rear panel green switch flip twice." he realized that this meeting of buckskin and fender on a dark road had lost Mitt the election.

Disassembly October 26, 2012 at 10:38 am

I want you to understand that Fred is my attorney. He's not just some dingbat I found on the strip, man. He's a foreigner. I think he's probably Samoan. But doesn't matter though, does it?

James Michael Curley October 26, 2012 at 10:49 am

No point mentioning those bats, I thought. The poor bastard will see them soon enough.

Lot_49 October 26, 2012 at 11:01 am

We're not like the others. Just tell him that and it'll be okay.

Mittens Howell, III October 26, 2012 at 10:39 am

"Assume deer dead" is this a coded message from the Romney campaign?

NYNYNYjr October 26, 2012 at 2:44 pm

Yes, Assad is now to invade southern Lebanon. Romney will then fly over and negotiate peace.

prommie October 26, 2012 at 10:39 am

The deer, the old deer, she is dead;
It sleeps well, the horned head:
We poor lads, ’tis our turn I fear
To hear such tweets as killed the deer.

Apologies to Houseman

Mittens Howell, III October 26, 2012 at 10:39 am

Deer: "STFU it's Grassley. Lie down and play dead, or he'll tweet at us."

James Michael Curley October 26, 2012 at 10:41 am

I hit a deer on my motorcycle once. Damn animal smacked me back and still got off with my motorcycle.

Mittens Howell, III October 26, 2012 at 10:41 am

'Assume deer dead' means what happens next is not forcible rape.

Abernathy October 26, 2012 at 11:10 am

The gifts from god keep piling up.

JohnnyQuick October 26, 2012 at 10:46 pm

'Continued to farm' is old pudnucker code for 'some goats rape so easy.'

LibertyLover October 26, 2012 at 10:41 am

Someone's been trippin'

weejee October 26, 2012 at 10:42 am

Yer photogs of the deer coven are most excellent Dok. Did they exorcise the ponies? If so, where should we send the check (yes check, being an olde)?

eggsacklywright October 26, 2012 at 10:56 am

That deer don't float.

Mittens Howell, III October 26, 2012 at 10:43 am

It is a truth universally acknowledged, that a withered old man in possession of a dead deer, must be in want of a wife.

Abernathy October 26, 2012 at 11:11 am

Um, hello? Fred!

MissTaken October 26, 2012 at 11:21 am

Pride and Prejudice and Zombie Deer

LibertyLover October 26, 2012 at 10:44 am

>>> and the story continues until Senator Grassley wakes up screaming with a severed deer head under the covers of his bed.

MissTaken October 26, 2012 at 10:44 am

♫ Drivin with Fred
Assume deer are dead ♫

Mumbletypeg October 26, 2012 at 11:26 am

"Senator Chuck you better
Watch your speed
Trouble a-head, trouble be-hind
And you know that young deer / Just cross'd that road"

(Sorry but I found I could sing yours to "Casey Jones" somehow)

BaldarTFlagass October 26, 2012 at 10:45 am

Derivative of Dok, but:
"We were just outside of Des Moines when the drugs kicked in."

Esteev October 26, 2012 at 10:52 am

No point in mentioning these deer, I thought. Poor bastard will see them soon enough.

Esteev October 26, 2012 at 10:46 am

Give me your tired, your poor, your run-over deer yearning to breathe again.

lotusflwr October 26, 2012 at 10:46 am

Jesus christ, this post was awesome in so many ways. I laughed, I cried, I may have even poo'd myself a little.

RIP DEER. VIVE LA LITERATURE.

eggsacklywright October 26, 2012 at 10:46 am

"A screaming deer came across the sky."

Mumbletypeg October 26, 2012 at 10:49 am

Not sure what yours refers to — feel free to enlighten me after a while — but it evokes for me one of the most powerful scenes from among the really more amazing French films I've seen the past couple of years.

eggsacklywright October 26, 2012 at 10:59 am

A mangling of the opening line of Gravity's Rainbow.

The film looks fascinating.

BadKitty904 October 26, 2012 at 10:46 am

Fawn of the Dead?

BaldarTFlagass October 26, 2012 at 10:47 am

We must kill them. We must incinerate them. Pig after pig… cow after cow… deer after deer… village after village… army after army…

HarryButtle October 26, 2012 at 7:16 pm

Colonel Blitzen's methods have become…unsound.

Abernathy October 26, 2012 at 10:48 am

A screaming comes across Dyersville. It has happened before, but there is nothing 2 compare it 2 now. Assume it is 2 late for the deer.

deanbooth October 26, 2012 at 10:48 am

What deer through yonder windshield breaks?

P.S. Bravo to Dok and all.

mavenmaven October 26, 2012 at 10:49 am

Wish GOP campaign dead

tessiee October 26, 2012 at 10:50 am
dr_giraud October 26, 2012 at 10:54 am

A screaming came across the sky. Fred said, "GET IN THE FUCKING CAR. IT'S A DEER."

eggsacklywright October 26, 2012 at 11:03 am

Geez, lotta Pynchon vets around these parts. Nice.

eggsacklywright October 26, 2012 at 11:21 am

Never get out of the fucking car.

Generation[redacted] October 26, 2012 at 10:54 am

Enough is enough! I have had it with these motherfucking deer on this motherfucking road!

PugglesRule October 26, 2012 at 10:55 am

It was the best of deer, it was the worst of deer. It was the age of tweeting, it was the age of Grassley tweets… we had everything before us, we had nothing but Grassley's tweets – and dead deer — before us…

Thedongsofwar October 26, 2012 at 10:56 am

Was it an accident, or did that deer know too much?

BadKitty904 October 26, 2012 at 11:28 am

Ask Vince Fawnster…

Esteev October 26, 2012 at 10:57 am

Deer prudence, won't you come out to be slain?
Deer prudence, hit by a brand new Hyundai
The sun is up, the sky is blue
The bumpers smashed and so are you
Deer prudence, won't you come out to be slain?

BigSkullF*ckingDog October 26, 2012 at 10:57 am

My Dad's name is Fred.

UW8316154 October 26, 2012 at 11:09 am

what's he doing out in the middle of the night with Chuckie?

eggsacklywright October 26, 2012 at 11:22 am

Right said Fred.

BaldarTFlagass October 26, 2012 at 10:57 am

Obviously, Chuck didn't hang around long enough to see Jeff Bridges show up with Karen Allen and bring the deer back to life.

FlownOver October 26, 2012 at 10:58 am

If you should strike a deer,
Never fear.
Down 136 you may head;
First pull out fender rubbing tire, then proceed to village of Dyer,
Where both you and Fred may assume deer dead.

BigSkullF*ckingDog October 26, 2012 at 10:59 am

First rule in any horror movie. NEVAR ASSUME ANYTHING IS DEAD.

MacRaith October 26, 2012 at 10:59 am

Deer is the mind-killer.
Deer is the walking death that brings total obliteration to my car.
I will face my deer.
It will pass over me and through me.
And when it has gone past I will be lying in a spreading pool of blood.
When the deer has gone there will be nothing but twisted metal wreckage.
Only the deer will remain, laughing at my corpse.

LibertyLover October 26, 2012 at 10:59 am

Was it a dark and stormy night too?

PsycWench October 26, 2012 at 11:00 am

I'm only capable of Dr. Seuss rhymes:
I hit the deer, the deer was dead
It had some blood upon its head
I got out to check it, well I would have
The deer then bit me. As well it should have.

HarryButtle October 26, 2012 at 7:21 pm

I wish I could remember the nursery rhyme from my childhood exactly, but here's what I do remember:

There was a little man who had a little gun
And his bullets were made of lead, lead, lead
Something something something saw a little duck
And shot him right thru the head, head, head.

But I'm not at all scarred by it. Really.

BigSkullF*ckingDog October 26, 2012 at 11:03 am

My cryptic tweets are usually about my bathroom experiences. #whywillnobodyfollowme?

Jerri October 26, 2012 at 11:04 am

Ahahahahaha! This post made today about a million times better.

BumbleKid October 26, 2012 at 11:04 am

Dude who sits next to me in Western Civ thinks I am crazy now. Lawlz for days.

Thanks Doc Zoom!

Chet Kincaid_ October 26, 2012 at 11:05 am

Two roads diverged in a yellow wood,
And sorry I could not travel both
And be one traveler, long I stood.
Two roads diverged in a wood, and I,
I took the one less traveled by —
And fucking Grassley creamed me with his car.

bobbert October 26, 2012 at 11:39 am

Frosty.

iamrrm October 26, 2012 at 11:06 am

I didn't realize that people farmed the hiways. Does that explain all the cracks and potholes?

UW8316154 October 26, 2012 at 11:07 am

I left the scene, assuming the deer was dead. I continued to farm, oblivious to the stirring behind me….The deer began to gather and organize…

Ruhe October 26, 2012 at 11:07 am

…and of all these things the white tail was merely the symbol. Wonder ye then at the fiery hunt?

LibertyLover October 26, 2012 at 11:08 am

Half a league, half a league,
Half a league onward,
All in the valley of Death
Rode Fred and Chuck..
"Forward, the Deer Brigade!
"Charge for the farm!" he said:
Into the valley of the Deer Dead
Rode Chuck and Fred.

When can their glory fade?
O the wild charge they made!
All the world wondered.
Honor the charge they made,
Honor the Deer Brigade,
Noble Chuck and Fred.

Troubledog October 26, 2012 at 11:09 am

Smokin Grassley

barto October 26, 2012 at 11:12 am

Deer Lord…

barto October 26, 2012 at 11:13 am

The twit may tweet "assume deer dead",
but, really, is that what he said?

SnarkOff October 26, 2012 at 11:14 am

This is so full of literary win.

Crank_Tango October 26, 2012 at 11:14 am

WTF is going on here today?

BadKitty904 October 26, 2012 at 11:16 am

The Revenge of the Lit Majors…

kyeshinka October 26, 2012 at 11:24 am

For a second I thought I read "Lee Majors." Holy shit it's the end time.

viennawoods13 October 26, 2012 at 4:45 pm

The Day the Reindeer Died?

DemmeFatale October 26, 2012 at 11:33 am

Yay!
We get to start our day without a story about some old white racist pontificating about rape, etc.!!!

bobbert October 26, 2012 at 11:40 am

I think Dok was bored.

Esteev October 26, 2012 at 11:16 am

Has no one stopped to think how the car feels about all this?! It's a patsy!

Chet Kincaid_ October 26, 2012 at 11:16 am

I sense a theme, a meme, or at least a tag: http://wonkette.com/486046/rep-paul-broun-takes-b

Ruhe October 26, 2012 at 11:17 am

“Eventually, all things merge into one, and a road runs through it. The road was cut by the world's great flood and runs over rocks from the basement of time. On some of the roads are timeless deer. Under the rocks are the words, and some of the words are theirs.
I am haunted by deer.”

Mittaplasia October 26, 2012 at 11:19 am

Grassley: I have killed Osama Bin Bambi because freedom.

Mumbletypeg October 26, 2012 at 11:21 am

“Chuck” “I now h v an iphone” Grassley (R-Xanadu)

"In Xanadu did Grassley, Chuck —
While driving, reckless — swipe a Buck"

An_Outhouse October 26, 2012 at 11:22 am

Pulling fender rubbings with Fred made a big mess in the car. No tissues, continued to farm dead deer.

Chet Kincaid_ October 26, 2012 at 11:29 am

hahaha

natl_[redacted]_cmdr October 26, 2012 at 11:24 am

Today we are all dead deer.

Chet Kincaid_ October 26, 2012 at 11:25 am

Out on the road today
I saw a dead deer hit by Grassley's Cadillac.
A little voice inside my head said:
"Don't look back, it's a bloody mess, Jack!"

joobajooba October 26, 2012 at 11:29 am

For sale: baby deer shoes. Never worn.

MosesInvests October 26, 2012 at 11:32 am

I have heard the dead deer singing, each to each.
I do not think they will sing to me.

calliecallie October 26, 2012 at 11:36 am

My mother is a deer.

LibertyLover October 26, 2012 at 11:44 am

My mother – the car.

mrpuma2u October 26, 2012 at 11:38 am

Apologies to E. Dickinson

I was riding south of Dyersville,
in the car with my friend Fred,
we ran into a deer,
I assume that it is dead.

Did anyone else ever notice that you can sing almost all of Emily Dickinson's poems using the melody from "The yellow rose of Texas"?

gurukalehuru October 26, 2012 at 1:09 pm

The theme to Gilligan's Island works, too.

calliecallie October 26, 2012 at 11:39 am

Everything about this post is genius. Also.

natl_[redacted]_cmdr October 26, 2012 at 11:52 am

All happy deer are alike; each unhappy deer is unhappy in its own way.

LibertyLover October 26, 2012 at 11:56 am

This is the saddest story I have ever heard.

Biff October 26, 2012 at 12:05 pm

Needs a nice chianti and fava beans.

a_pink_poodle October 26, 2012 at 12:12 pm

Poor deer :(

proudgrampa October 26, 2012 at 12:12 pm

I know Chuck Palahniuk.
He is one of my favorite authors.
You, Senator Grassley, are no Chuck Palahniuk.

kissawookiee October 26, 2012 at 12:17 pm

I suppose I'm grateful that Chuck rubbed on the tire instead of on the assumed dead deer.

James Michael Curley October 26, 2012 at 12:19 pm

It seems there is a video of the event. https://chrome.google.com/webstore/detail/running

Lazy Media October 26, 2012 at 12:22 pm

Tell me, O muse, of that ingenious hero who travelled far and wide after he had smacked the famous deer of Dyersville. Many antlers did he break, and many were the fenders from whose tires he pulled from rubbing; moreover he suffered much by Internet while trying to tweet his own life and bring his companion safely to the farm; but do what he might he could not save his reputation, for it perished through his own sheer folly in tweeting illiterately; so the Webiverse prevented him from ever avoiding ridicule. Tell me, too, about all these things, O daughter of Jove, from whatsoever source you may know them.

gurukalehuru October 26, 2012 at 1:13 pm

The Deer of Dyersville
Did you hear the Grassley tweeting across the moors last night? Well, exactly.

Nostrildamus October 26, 2012 at 1:20 pm

Assume brain dead.

emmelemm October 26, 2012 at 1:21 pm

Without exaggeration, Doktor Zoom, you are a genius.

gurukalehuru October 26, 2012 at 1:21 pm

Also, too, I've read the whole thread which I almost never do because, really, pages and pages and there's so much other stuff to read but this thread is particularly brilliant and anyway, I'm really surprised that no one has pointed out yet that Assume Dear Dead is acronymical code like for ADD or Attention Deficit Disorder, a disorder from which deerkiller and tweetaholic may well suffer.

lulzmonger October 26, 2012 at 1:28 pm
Katydid October 26, 2012 at 1:55 pm

Once upon a time and a very good time it was
there was a moodeer coming
down along the road and this moodeer that was
coming down along the road
met a nicens little man named chuck grassley…

bibliotequetress October 27, 2012 at 10:24 pm

Portait of the Senator as an Old Jackass

Katydid October 26, 2012 at 1:59 pm

O Grassley! My Grassley!
Our fearful trip is done;
the deer has weather'd every smack, the prize we sought is none;
the buck is near, its yowls I hear, the does are all exulting,
while follow eyes, the steady keel, the big buck grim and daring:
But O Chuck! Chuck! Chuck!
O the bleeding drops of red,
where on the deck my big Chuck lies,
fallen cold and dead

PennyDreadful October 26, 2012 at 2:17 pm

He was an old man who drove with Fred on a highway south of Dyersville and he had gone eighty-four days now without hitting a deer.

NYNYNYjr October 26, 2012 at 2:42 pm

So cool– that Dickens quote reads just like the beginning of a Raymond Chandler book. Kind of twists my mind.

fuflans October 26, 2012 at 4:43 pm

and of course, as you can find anything and everything in shakespeare, you don't even need to change nouns:

'Poor deer,' quoth he, 'thou makest a testament
As worldlings do, giving thy sum of more
To that which had too much:' then, being there alone,
Left and abandon'd of his velvet friends,
''Tis right:' quoth he; 'thus misery doth part
The flux of company:' anon a careless herd,
Full of the pasture, jumps along by him
And never stays to greet him; 'Ay' quoth Jaques,
'Sweep on, you fat and greasy citizens;
'Tis just the fashion: wherefore do you look
Upon that poor and broken bankrupt there?'

Poindexter718 October 26, 2012 at 4:44 pm

Chuck accelerated. The Buick lurched.
Bambi ate Buick grill.
Bambi blood sprayed the hood.
Chuck yucked it up.
But Bambi wasn't dead and legged it into the brush.
Mr. Hoover would not be pleased.

viennawoods13 October 26, 2012 at 4:48 pm

As a teacher of literature, bravo, I say, bravo.

Doktor Zoom October 26, 2012 at 6:18 pm

If Sen Grassley hits another deer, he'll be two-buck Chuck.

Biel_ze_Bubba October 26, 2012 at 8:54 pm

Living deer are all alike; every dead deer is dead in its own way.

LibertyLover October 26, 2012 at 11:07 pm

Schrödinger's deer?

TribecaMike October 27, 2012 at 1:07 am

"I have not sent these prophets, yet they have run with their message. I have not spoken to them, yet they prophesied." — God, or maybe Bill Clinton, Jeremiah 23:21, 3 p.m. EST.

Lionel[redacted]Esq October 27, 2012 at 2:30 am

Absolutely brilliant Dok. Thank you.

Lionel[redacted]Esq October 27, 2012 at 2:37 am

Oh God said to Grassley, "Kill me a deer"
Grass says, "Man, you must be puttin' me on"
God say, "No." Grass say, "What ?"
God say, "You can do what you want Grass, but
The next time you see me comin' you better run"
Well Grass says, "Where do you want this deer kill'd ?"
God says. "Out on Highway 61"

Lionel[redacted]Esq October 27, 2012 at 2:39 am

So this is how it ends
This is how it ends
This is how it ends
Not with a bang
But assume deer dead

LibertyLover October 27, 2012 at 2:59 am

Your move, Paul Broun…

ttommyunger October 27, 2012 at 7:51 am

"…. before it all becomes stale, even, dare we say it, banal." BEFORE? Before, you say? Chuckles was born banal and had a relapse, fer Chrissakes!

gurukalehuru October 27, 2012 at 9:53 am

I first met Fred during that long and weary break up with my wife and I was living at my Mom's place and Fred barged in and said "Whooooeeeee, man, you've got to teach me how to write, man, but first, there's this party going on in Dyersville, if you got the bucks, you can get some doe, man, life is happening all around us, whoooooeeeee!" I looked up at him and said "Sure, man, sure, let's go, but first I've just got to finish this tweet" and it turned out to be the best tweet I'd ever written.

vodkabird October 28, 2012 at 4:07 am

Deer died today. Or maybe yesterday, I don't know. I had a tweet from the home. "Deer passed away. Funeral tomorrow. Yours sincerely." That doesn't mean anything. It may have been yesterday.

SavageDrummer October 28, 2012 at 9:19 pm

We can't stop here, this is deer country.

mrpuma2u October 26, 2012 at 11:32 am

The deer is dead, but your hostas are safe. Did you mount the deer skull as warning to it's clan as to what happens to deer 'round these parts?

Lascauxcaveman October 26, 2012 at 11:51 am

I used to joke to my old cats (who were both great hunters, but are now, sadly, passed) that they should run down some venison for me.

My newest kitteh seems to be seriously considering just that, in this shot taken next to my carport.

viennawoods13 October 26, 2012 at 4:22 pm

Chows are bastards. A chow killed my grandma's dog. Just ripped him apart.

Zango Crudmonger October 26, 2012 at 12:21 pm

This picture is 50 shades of AWESOME!!! Ahem.

Lionel[redacted]Esq October 26, 2012 at 12:54 pm

I had a wonderful cat in my youth that used to stalk deer in our back yard. Never did catch one. But it was fun to watch him stalk.

Lascauxcaveman October 26, 2012 at 1:40 pm

Same picture with obligatory caption.

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