Sundays With The Christianists: With This ‘World History’ Textbook, Your Homeschooled Babbies Will Not Evolve

  Part 8: Science Makes Everything Much Worse

Surprisingly, not an illustration from the textbookIt’s time for another visit to the funhouse mirror held up to history by our 10th-grade textbook for homeschoolers, World History and Cultures In Christian Perspective. If the Church of Rome was the textbook’s designated Big Bad for the period from Constantine through the Reformation, then history’s other greatest monster is Charles Darwin, who along with Karl Marx, provides the heresies against which World History will kick for most of the modern era. Buckle up, gentle readers — we’re headed for a Culture War zone.

As we know from last week, the Victorian era was an unrivaled era of peace, prosperity, and freedom for everyone (for certain vales of “everyone”). This all came to a crashing halt with the death of Victoria herself:

Queen Victoria’s 64-year reign restored dignity and prosperity to the British Empire, but when she passed from the scene, the glory faded. After Victoria’s death in 1901 her son Edward VII (1841-1910) ascended to the throne. Edward did not share his mother’s resolution to “be good,” and when the morality of the monarchy fell, so did that of the nation. As the Victorian Era came to an end, Britain entered into a period of decline both at home and abroad. By the turn of the 20th century the faith, energy, and morality of the British people were under attack by the false philosophies of Darwinism, socialism, and modernism.

That Edward VII, what an immoral rat! The editors neglect to tell us what exactly he did to torpedo the “morality of the monarchy,” but they say it happened, and they have not been wrong yet. We bet it was the mistresses. Victoria never had any mistresses. We feel kinda bad for poor Edward VII, having to carry the blame for the decline of Western civilization like that. We get the sense that Edward’s greatest failing was just plain not being Victoria.

And then there’s Darwin. For all the damage the theory of evolution has supposedly done throughout modern history, we learn almost nothing about it in this book:

In 1859, Charles Darwin (1809-1882), a British naturalist, published On the Origin Of Species, in which he proposed that life on earth had “evolved” over time through the process of natural selection. Darwin’s philosophy of evolution, sometimes called Darwinism, replaced God the Creator with time, natural processes, and chance.

Few people in Victorian England took the pseudo-scientific ideas of Charles Darwin seriously. However, Darwin’s ideas were accepted by those who wanted to break away from the moral restraints of society and religion, and were soon falsely acclaimed as “true science” (p. 378).

That’s it, as far as a description of the contents of Origin of Species. Now, of course, this is a history text, so we shouldn’t expect the sort of detail you’d find in a Christianist biology textbook (and we have one of those, too!). It is enough that evolution goes against a literal reading of the Book of Genesis; once that’s acknowledged, the smart money is on emphasizing the wicked motivations of anyone who accepts the laughable notion that evolution is actual science. Which it can’t be, because it just isn’t, so shut up.

Darwinism gained further respectability due to its vigorous promotion by British scientist Thomas Henry Huxley (1825-1895). Huxley also coined the term agnostic to describe one who believes that the existence of God and anything but material reality cannot be proved by human reasoning and thus is not an important area of human inquiry. The ungodly ideas of Darwin and Huxley led to an acceptance of the philosophy of materialism – the idea that matter is the only reality and that everything in the world, including thought, will, and feeling, must be explained in terms of matter.

We’ll give the editors this much — that’s actually a fairly accurate explanation of why “Goddidit” is not a scientific explanation of anything.

The parade of Victorianism-ending horrors has not yet ended, however: hand-in-hand with “Darwinism” comes socialism, which of course “attacked the very heart of Britain’s economic success by retarding personal initiative and interfering with the exercise of free enterprise capitalism.” Why anyone would want to rein in the best practicies of 19-th century capitalism is an utter mystery to the editors. Just look at what those horrible socialists thought:

  • An early group of British socialists in the 19th century were the utilitarians, followers of philosophers Jeremy Bentham and ]ohn Stuart Mill. The utilitarians believed that the goal of life is “the greatest happiness for the greatest namber” — often regardless of the means or the consequences.
  • No mention Mill’s foundational discussion of free speech, On Liberty — That is a worship word, and he is not allowed to use it.

  • Another socialist organization in Britain was the Christian Socialists, a group who wanted benevolent social reform, but did not want to take the Bible literally.
  • So obviously, not really Christian, because they emphasized actually making the lives of the poor better, when what the poor really needed was some Revival.

  • The Fabian Society: Fabians taught that socialism should be achieved gradually, through a series of “reforms,” including pensions and food subsidies from the government, the elimination of private property and a government-imposed minimum wage.
  • Are you terrified yet? We’re thinking of dressing up as George Bernard Shaw for Halloween. But that’s not all! Wanna see something really scary?

  • The Fabian socialists also believed that education should be managed and subsidized entirely by the government, not by private organizations (such as Christians). The Fabians realized that control of the nation’s educational system was crucial to the success of their program. The Fabians’ influence grew in the 20th century and came to include many influential writers, educators, and journalists who helped bring about Britain’s downfall as a great nation (p. 379) .

And there you have it: public education is part of the plot, and, by implication, must be destroyed if socialism is to be prevented.

And finally, the greatest stab in the back of all, the rise of “modernism,” which in this textbook is not an avant-garde artistic movement, but a theological heresy:

Darwinism and socialism might have been defeated in Britain had it not been for the rise of another “ism” — modernism, a philosophy which cut to the very heart of all that had made Britain great. Modernism, or religious liberalism, began in Germany with faithless theologians who believed that the Bible was merely a beautiful myth and full of errors. Church leaders became more concerned with attacking social injustices and working toward establishing total democracy than with bringing people to personal salvation through ]esus Christ. These false doctrines had worked their way into British thought by 1880 and did much to bring about Britain’s decline in the 20th century.

All those “Christians” who think that evolution and faith can coexist, or that the Bible makes sense as a spiritual allegory but not as history or science? And even worse, the “Christians” who think that Jesus really meant that anything should change in the way the world treats poor people? They’ve all been voted off the island, thrown under the nuns’ bus, and cannot join in any reindeer games.

Next Week: Godless Communism!

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About the author

Doktor Zoom lives in Boise, Idaho. He acquired his pseudonym after being differently punctual to too many meetings. He is not a medical doctor, although he has a real PhD (in Rhetoric and Composition).

View all articles by Doktor Zoom

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366 comments

  1. SorosBot

    "Darwin’s philosophy of evolution, sometimes called Darwinism"

    No it isn't. "Darwinism" is not a word. If someone uses that term to describe evolution, then you know they are a creationist moron who is not worth listening to.

    1. Doktor Zoom

      I snipped a line about how "Darwinism" is a shibboleth for creationists– "sometimes called "Darwinism" is the equivalent here of Fox News saying "some have said that…" and then citing Bill O'Reilly.

      1. SorosBot

        I watched Prometheus the other night, and shuddered when a supposed biologist used the term "Darwinism". No, Ridley, no actual biologist would ever use that word. But then that movie had many crimes against biology.

        1. Chet Kincaid_

          Wow, I watched that last night too, and was pretty unimpressed. Tired, warmed over ideas from the other "Aliens," the "Things", and "The X-Files". No "big ideas" whatsoever. I blame Damon Lindelof.

          Also, why do these sci-fi movies that postulate human life evolved elsewhere never address the overwhelming evidence that human life is related to all other life on earth? And if they're saying all life on earth came from elsewhere, why don't they say it? The dirty secret of sci-fi is that so many sci-fi fans are willfully dumb.

          1. BaldarTFlagass

            Wow, I watched it yesterday morning instead of posting here with y'all.

            So, how did the Engineer get back to the control room on his spaceship and get his chest exploded, the way he was found by John Hurt and Veronica Cartwright in Alien?

        2. BornInATrailer

          More plot holes, convenient twists and behavior completely contrary to the expected in Prometheus than in the bible. Which is impressive.

    2. Willardbot9000_V2.5

      Yes pretty much…what the term amounts to is a dogwhistle to equate the theory of evolution with Social Darwinism which Darwin had no part in and most definitely would have opposed. What's also funny about the equation is these morons ARE social Darwinists but they always hide behind the label of 'economic liberty' which social Darwinism actually has no part in. What it does have a part in of course is the idea that one "superior" social group should dictate to all other inferior groups (socially, racially, culturally, gender..uh, dly) should live by its ideology and rules and act in service and deference to said superior group. Then again…this is why these people make no sense whatsoever.

  2. SorosBot

    "the idea that matter is the only reality and that everything in the world, including thought, will, and feeling, must be explained in terms of matter"

    That's not exactly an idea; it's also, you know, an accurate description of reality. (Well, it's matter and energy, but as Einstein showed the two are interchangeable).

  3. azeyote

    Edward’s greatest failing was just plain not being Victoria

    oh lordy what could have been if only he had todays modern tech.

  4. Mumbletypeg

    Thomas Huxley was also known as "Darwin's Bulldog." From available images browsed I would have to agree. And he'd be easier to replicate for a Halloween costume too: more mutton chops, less George B. Shaw beard ( although where GB lookalikes are concerned, Dick Van Dyke did an admirable job trying…)

  5. OneDollarJuana

    The ironic thing is that if the Christianists truly ignore evolution, as in evolving flu viruses, they become candidates for the Darwin Award.

    1. Mittaplasia

      I brought up the virus example on a discussion on evolution and was told by some Christianist know-it-all that was adaptation and not evolution. Next thing I knew, I was piled on and downfisted by a bunch of yahooligans. I wear my bruises proudly.

      1. no_gravity

        You should have pounded them back by saying:

        ADAPT, MOVE ON or DIE is the basic premise of evolution.

      2. Doktor Zoom

        Ah, yes, the old "micro-evolution is possible" but "macro-evolution is not" thing. More words that mean nothing in biology. Did they start yammering about "kinds"?

    2. WhatTheHeck

      When the flu virus invades a human, is that an act of Terrorism or a Terrorist act on the part of the virus?

      This is important because evolution’s validity hinges on the answer.

    1. Lascauxcaveman

      I dunno, Jesus looks pretty badass. But a ginger? I guess he was from Scotland or something? Darwin's pretty lucky he wasn't packing a knife.

  6. no_gravity

    Queen Victoria didn't have any mistresses because she couldn't grasp the concept of two women together even though they had their own island named after them.

    1. GoatDidIt

      No joke, pls pls pls do the crosstian biology text commentary next. One is always curious about our human SEX! teachings.

  7. AlterNewt

    Thus sayeth the Lord unto them, "Look not down upon thy poor brethren, but walketh thou upon him, that thou might get thine own."

    1. Mittaplasia

      "That thou might get thine own" sounds like permission to rip off the poor. Now i'm beginning to understand "conservative thinking". The bible says it, so it must be true. Just exploit EVERYBODY.

    2. Negropolis

      "Ignoreth the cries of thine poor brethren, for they are the wailings of the accursed and most jealous."

        1. Negropolis

          "I say unto thee, and I tell you, today, blessed are the Job Creators, for they shall inherit the earth."

          1. Negropolis

            Jesus then went on to say: "In my Father's house are many mansions: if it were not so, I would have told you. I go to prepare a place for the 1% of you. The rest of you can occupy the slums and tenements on the outskirt of heaven."

      1. Jukesgrrl

        I thought in music we judged a man by his hair. Fabian had bitchin hair.

        Fun factoids about Fabian: According to a representative of the Marine Corps, Fabian was declared 4F (unfit for service) after presenting "a doctor's note stating that induction into the army could cause him to develop homosexual tendencies." Later we were sure he was a real man when he was arrested for spousal abuse (wife 1 of 3). Currently, he's married to the former Miss Bituminous Coal of Southwestern Pennsylvania, which I know because a friend of mine went to high school with her.

  8. SigDeFlyinMonky

    I don't believe in anything outside of this pit I have dug for myself. Join me in my pit and we can spin tales and theories about what is behind this wall of mud. But do not, in any event, notice that some nights you might see a star transit that patch of sky above or be tempted to climb out of our pit and notice a manifold reality that exists beyond our righteous (explains everything) pit club.

    1. eggsacklywright

      "You must lie in a pit of ichi-ban leaves until the moon is full."

      "Arrrgh, the dew is forming."

    2. CindynEncinitas

      Let us light a candle in the pit and interpret the shadows on the wall of the pit when things pass in front of the candle.

  9. ChicagoLory

    As I explained to people who detest religious literature, it is not the literature itself that is to be blamed for so much suffering, but the universal and enduring illiteracy of the masses. Even today, I doubt most people can read and/or understand beyond the literal level.

    But what is ironic about the abeka text is that it completely ignores some really really literal teachings of Jesus: Not to judge, to help the poor, etc.

    1. Close_Read

      Agreez! I am often tempted to get lippy with a Randian co-worker of mine who is "devoutly Christian" and ask how he justifies that whole Jeebus-overturning-the-moneychangers'-tables thing. But that would just bait him.

      1. Naked_Bunny

        I've never understood how someone can both be devout yet too disinterested to actually understand the thing they're devout about.

        1. DCBloom

          Right? I've yet to meet a Christian that has done any historical reading on the Bible…. and very few have even read the thing

        2. Negropolis

          That's what get me. Many so-called Christians couldn't quote a handful of meaningful verses of the Bible to save their lives, yet they go shitting on everybody else. I've met grown-ass adults who have but a Sunday School level understanding of the Bible.

      2. doloras

        RAND WAS A PROUD ATHEIST!!! You can't be a Christian Randian any more than you can be a Nazi for Racial Equality.

        1. Rotundo_

          You can however say you are a Christian Randian and lie to yourself and the world quite comfortably from what I have seen: Paul Ryan certainly clutches Ayn's crap and the bible to his chest with equal fervor. Never seems to have any second thoughts about proclaiming his beliefs in both in public, except during campaign season, in front of fundies. Randians, on the other hand don't give a fuck what you believe so long as your existence doesn't inconvenience them in any sense of the word.

    2. BadKitty904

      Truly. Matthew 23, et al., records what is possibly the strongest language ever uttered by Jesus – and, appropriately, it's a denunciation of religious hypocrisy.

      "But you have neglected the more important matters of the law–justice, mercy, and faithfulness…"

    3. Incitefully_Joe

      It's definitely true, to a degree. Many of the nastier passages can be rehabilitated somewhat by the context they get abducted from. Not all of them, by any means, but it does mean one of the most entertaining way to argue with a Christianist is to know the literature and to be able to throw it back in their faces.

      Especially because then the call you Satan for quoting Bible passages, or whisper a vaguely "threaten-with-hellfire"-ey quotes at you for making them look foolish in public "corrupting people".

      1. Mittaplasia

        "You'll be sorry when you die and find out you were wrong."

        That has to be in the hellfire top 10.

    4. GeorgiaBurning

      That's what is so F***ed up with the right-wing christian movement. There's a total disconnect between their bible and their alternative-universe General Buck Jesus.

      1. LionHeartSoyDog

        The r-wing 'christians' are being manipulated for their vote, but i cannot for the life of me see why it even matters.

    1. Close_Read

      I want a bumper sticker that says simply, "ism."

      It would look more stupider in reality, but I still like the idea.

  10. Mittaplasia

    OT but the bar keeps getting lowered at RCC headquarters as it was announced that the pope has named 7 new saints. As a recovered Catholic from the Leather Nun era, I relish the desperation as the sheep begin to scatter.

    1. OneDollarJuana

      I can always get my wife's stinkeye when I point out that Catholicism is really a polytheistic religion, what with the Virgin Mary and all those saints playing the roles of minor gods.

      1. Negropolis

        Yeah, that has pretty much been the going line by Protestants for hundreds of years to persecute Catholics, so yeah, I'd imagine you would get such a glance.

    2. BadKitty904

      I was pleased that the "Lilly of the Mohawks" was canonized…though mostly because I like the moniker "Lilly of the Mohawks"…

      1. FeloniousMonk

        Among the few people chosen to receive communion from the pope himself was Jake Finkbonner, a 12-year-old boy of Native American descent from Washington state in the US. The Vatican determined that Jake had been cured of an infection of flesh-eating bacteria through Kateri's intercession after his family and community invoked her in their prayers, paving the way for her canonisation.

        "The Vatican determined…" The truly horrifying thing is that they probably got some bozo with a legitimate medical degree to back them up.

        1. CindynEncinitas

          They were in a battle of the bands and were beaten out by a sliver by Snotty Scottie and the Hankies.

      1. no_gravity

        That's what I thought. I guess now I'll have to go to HuffPo because they're very loose in their moderating.

  11. Pithaughn

    Met a young earther at work the other day. I said I did not take my cell phone on vacation because since the dawn of civilization , 55,000 years ago, people got on with out a cell phone. She then said "well 6,000 years, right?".

    1. LionHeartSoyDog

      i do not understand young earther/bibble freak correlation.
      Forgive me, for i am ignorant.
      Also i do not own a cellphone, and am totally okay with that.
      Help appreciated.
      Best Wishes.
      Richard B. Salinas, Calif.

    1. Naked_Bunny

      Yeah, like Darwin invented the word "evolution".

      Darwin’s philosophy of evolution

      "Philosophy". Right.

      sometimes called Darwinism

      By religious idiots, specifically.

      replaced God the Creator with time, natural processes, and chance.

      He described the evidence around us using things that exist instead of an ancient fable, yes. That's how we get from casting out demons to giving vaccines. Oh wait! They believe in demons, too.

    1. WhatTheHeck

      At each stop the cry went up, “The Beagle has landed. One small step for Darwin. One giant step for mankind.”

  12. ynysprydain

    Oh dear. Most of the Christians I know in this country (Britain) are quite left wing and into such radical, nation-sapping ideas as helping the poor and performing charitable acts. They're obviously the wrong sort of Christians and probably dress up as GBS in secret.

  13. ManchuCandidate

    With the discovery of the double Helix and DNA sequencing we have seen at the genetic level that our bodies are in a constant state of change. Genes aren't set in stone and can flip on/off depending on our environment and diet due to messenger RNA. These discoveries have allowed science to gain a better understanding of how evolution actually works.

    The Xtian response to this… "IT'S EVIL! And pass me the (genetically modified) corn, (hormone injected) milk and (soon to be antibiotic resistant E. Coli infected) beef."

    1. Incitefully_Joe

      And actually, a lot of that stuff you mention gets into why the term "Darwinism" would be wrong even if, as Sorosbot points out, it were actually a word.

      Darwin's Theory of Evolution by Natural Selection was broadly correct, in many of the same ways that Newton's Laws of Motion were broadly correct, to the point that they are good enough approximations for most of the actual motion problems we do on a day-to-day basis. But, much as the Theory of Special Relativity corrected and refined the edge cases where Newtonian physics don't accurately predict things, so to have we learned a lot about how genes are propagated since Darwin's day, through science, because we continue to examine and refine those theories to account for exceptions and edge cases. Not to mention the fact that Darwin was completely wrong about the source of initial genetic variation in populations. That's why most actual biologists refer to the "modern synthesis", and don't talk about Darwin all the time, unlike fictional Creationist straw-man atheist scientists.

      1. SorosBot

        Part of it is projection combined with profound ignorance of the way science works. The fundamentalists believe that their Bible is inerrant, along with following their leaders as infallible, so they think actual scientists treat On the Origin of Species and Charles Darwin the same way. Um, no; real science is a process, and theories get refined or tossed out as we gather more evidence, and hypotheses are supported or disproven. Poking holes in Darwin's own work does nothing to discredit evolution, and real biologists know his work was wrong and incomplete in a number of aspects.

        Hell, physicists today know that relativity is in some respects wrong, since it is incompatible with quantum mechanics and breaks down in the realm of the very small. That doesn't mean that Einstein's work should is just completely wrong though, just as it did not destroy Newton's work (and the work other scientists built on his). That's why one of the main projects of modern physics is to find a new theory that unifies relativity and quantum mechanics.

        It's similar to how the anti-choicers think they can discredit Planned Parenthood today by calling Margaret Sanger a racist (though she was no more of one than most white people of her time). Um, no.

          1. tessiee

            Fry: Guenter! You're alive!

            Guenter: I guess the hat must have broke my fall.
            [Farnsworth opens up the hat.]

            Farnsworth: It seems to be working at only half-capacity, but I can fix it.

            Guenter: No, wait! I like it like this. I actually feel sort of happy.

            Farnsworth: But what about your super-intelligence?

            Guenter: When I had that there was too much pressure to use it. All I want out of life is to be a monkey of moderate intelligence who wears a suit. That's why I've decided to transfer to business school!

            Farnsworth: [screaming] Nooo!

      2. Chow Yun Flat

        we learned a lot about how genes are propagated since Darwin's day, through science,

        Citing science in a discussion about science is unfair to the religion mongers and their followers since they fear and hate it.

  14. Incitefully_Joe

    Darwinism gained further respectability due to its vigorous promotion by British scientist Thomas Henry Huxley (1825-1895). Huxley also coined the term agnostic to describe one who believes that the existence of God and anything but material reality cannot be proved by human reasoning and thus is not an important area of human inquiry. The ungodly ideas of Darwin and Huxley led to an acceptance of the philosophy of materialism – the idea that matter is the only reality and that everything in the world, including thought, will, and feeling, must be explained in terms of matter.

    It's interesting to note how emphatically the Christianist books cleave to the "great men" view of history. On one hand, it makes sense, as it's Totally Biblical- the Old Testament really is just a soap opera of the Patricarchs. But it does mean that every new theory or philosophy is invented ex nihilo, not unlike the notion that God invented the Earth out of nothing over a three-day-weekend.

    Yes, Materialism was invented in the 1800s, and totally didn't arise in part thanks to its epistemological antecedents, empiricism and parsimony, which date back at least to Medieval (PAPIST!) thinkers, if not all the way back to the Greeks.

    1. Sassomatic

      "epistemological antecedents"

      You couldn't get one of these bible thumpers to understand the meaning of that phrase if you explained it for 20 years. Their understanding of the world is on the level of WWF.

  15. sbj1964

    When Creationist are not denying Evolution they keep busy by disavowing the Theories of Gravity,Electricity,the Moon landing,and Why is Bruce Willis a star?

      1. eggsacklywright

        You are the proof on the face of it. It's MoreScience High vs. Commie Martyrs all over again.

  16. Biff

    I think the fall of the Brutish Empire began with the slogan that the sun never sets on the Brutish Empire, thereby denying Flat Earth.

  17. chascates

    Dr. Zoom, if the Catholic Church was bad in the olden times how did the Reformation make them OK? And what about Luther? Is the Pope really the 'Whore of Rome'? And are our Christian Taliban allied with the Mackerel Snappers for their own ends, just like they are with the Tribes of the Hebrews? Why are there so many Catholics on the Supreme Court? Are other religions like the ones that have a million gods with dozens of hands each also fucked up? Will all of this be on the final quiz?

    1. Doktor Zoom

      Oh, the Romish church is still anathema. But Evangelicals are OK with temporary strategic alliances to bring about God's Kingdom on Earth, especially since, when the Rapture comes, the unrighteous will be Left Behind, to be cast into the Lake of Fire for their heresies. Same with the Jews. Gotta support Israel no matter how bugfuck crazy their fundies get, because it's necessary to bring about the Second Coming and then Armageddon. Any Jews who don't accept Jesus as the Messiah will than also go straight to hell.

      Apparently, you can ally yourself with heretics, and even vote for them, as long as your eye is on doing God's Work.

      Why these guys condemn Machiavelli is utterly beyond me.

      1. Negropolis

        Any stick to beat a (dancing) horse, as they say. The rest of us are simply a means to an end. They are more cynical than they'll ever truly be able to internalize. Rational self-interest. Chew on that, you Christianists.

  18. Warpde

    It's 10:06 am on a "God fearing" Sunday morning and I have evolved in the last few weeks from cracking the Smirnoff at 10:45 am to the above noted time.
    Evolution at it's finest.

  19. Chichikovovich

    goal of life is “the greatest happiness for the greatest namber” — often regardless of the means or the consequences.

    It's hard to pick out just one wave in this tsunami of stupid, but for the record I'd like to mention that this is the most wildly inaccurate characterization of Mill I've ever seen. The whole freaking point of utilitarianism is that it evaluates actions by their consequences. (Where the consequences of the means are included in the evaluation of the total consequences, of course, contrary to what these bozos say.)

    That is why it is called, among moral philosophers, a variety of consequentialism. The contrast is with (say) a formally characterized concept of duty (Kant) or a prior concept of the virtuous man (Aristotle) or "God said so, so shut up and keep thrashing your children for disobeying" (these dunderheads).

    This is like saying "Newton believed that objects attracted each other, often regardless of the effects of gravity."

    Un-be-freaking-lievable.

    Those guys, eh? Gotta watch 'em every second.

  20. Naked_Bunny

    The ability of a person to assume that a book of religious dogma must be literally true while simultaneously lying through their teeth in their own book of religious dogma is stunning.

        1. BadKitty904

          OK, true. Perhaps I was oversensitive and incorrectly assumed that Chascates was crackin' on us redheads. My bad…

          1. chascates

            I'm all for redheads, indeed, Wonkette was built by gingers. I just thought it strange someone from the Levant would be portrayed as one. We all know from childhood He was blue-eyed and had sandy hair. And a small nose.

    1. tessiee

      Maybe Jesus was Irish.
      It would explain why he was still single at 33, also why he was so good to his Mither.

        1. Biff

          We have all done and said bad things, and are therefore bad people. Intense Debate wants us to know that.

    1. Steverino247

      If your use the letters t, r, i and g in that sequence or refer to Roy Roger's horse or the lever you squeeze to operate most firearms, then your comment is deleted.

      1. BadKitty904

        I'm s'posed to attend some garden party in an olive grove or something, but have your people call my people. They can nail down the details…

  21. sbj1964

    Here in Oklahoma the state motto is" I didn't come from no Monkey".The Monkeys at the Zoo seem pleased not to have these morons in they're tree.

    1. tessiee

      If they didn't come from monkeys, I can only assume it's because they haven't even evolved that far.

    1. Negropolis

      Silly, only the wimmenz get stoned for infidelity in the OT, you know, because promiscuous men can't be sluts, only promiscuous women can be sluts.

      1. MosesInvests

        Uh, actually, the men who banged married wimmenz also got stoned. Of course, you could bang as many single wimmenz as you wanted.

  22. AlterNewt

    Cathy Duffy, a "Home School Curriculum Specialist" says of this text-book:

    "Students can easily work through this text on their own. No teaching is required except for the discussion questions. However those might be assigned as written work or for study in preparation for a test."

  23. HouseOfTheBlueLights

    "Church leaders became more concerned with attacking social injustices … than with bringing people to personal salvation through ]esus Christ"

    Because Jesus Christ had nothing to say about attacking social injustices.

    1. bikerlaureate

      People never achieve personal salvation as a result of benevolence. It's always the other way around, obvs.

          1. SorosBot

            But Rock and Roll was invented sui generis by Bill Haley, Elvis Presley and other whites in 1954, right?

          2. Chet Kincaid_

            Rock & Roll was invented by Satan, who inspired the Negroes' devil worship rhythms on The Dark Continent. I am surprised that this Christianist Textbook does not mention this commonplace fundie factoid of the '50s and '60s.

          3. SorosBot

            Well we haven't gotten to the 20th Century yet. I wonder if they will report how the evils of Jazz and the marijuana corrupted pure young white Christians in the 1930s too?

  24. Terry

    Oddly enough, Charles Darwin was probably a more sensitive and observant Christian than any of the people who vilify him.

  25. iburl

    The fact that Christianists can ignore the many contradictions and nonsense in the bible has prepared them perfectly for ignoring Mitt Romney's lifelong series of contradictory statements and nonsense.

  26. GeneralLerong

    How many people buy these books? That is, what percentage of the population will need to be relocated to the re-education trailer camps around Hudson's Bay when our socialist atheist Kenyan overlord is re-elected?

    The Chinese need to know a.s.a.p. so they can get production appropriately geared up. All that toxic drywall in the warehouses needs to go somewhere.

  27. BlueStateLibel

    What I don't get is why the nuts reject the theory of evolution, and then turn around and embrace unproven Social Darwinism, or the idea that competition among humans is natural, and should be encouraged. For them, it's survival of the fittest among humans but not for animals on the plains of Africa. And meanwhile, even just a quick look at human history shows that cooperation among humans has advanced the species far more than competition and conflict.

  28. Steverino247

    Let's see…

    If Jesus is a redhead and Mary was made pregnant by someone other than Joseph, that makes God….

    …a Viking raider?

    1. Dashboard Buddha

      Mama don't let your babies grow up to be Vikings…
      They'll rape and they'll pillage from
      Village to village
      And never die of old age.

  29. skmind

    Fab.

    This is the best in the series so far, with the most appropriate artwork. I am curious though, they are cutting in awfully close, because with communism come the Christian Communists which should get them to Nobama, so where will they find room for The War on Christmas? I hope Bill O'Reilly is not left carrying that torch by himself.

    Which reminds me, was Fabian responsible for the Fabian Society, or was it the other way around? Also where exactly does Fabio fit in among all the Fabianmania?

    I'd love if if the typo in the definition of utilitarianism was not really one.

  30. mrblifil

    I think if Xtian adherents simply agreed to forego the conveniences of modern science, I'd view with perfect equanimity their refusal to acknowledge Darwin's findings.

  31. vulpes82

    I continue to be amused, though not surprised, by their lack of understanding of the British constitution. Victoria dying didn't actually change any policy.

    1. sullivanst

      Well, the Parliament Acts of 1911 and 1949, quite obviously, postdated Victoria, so the monarchy had yet to be stripped of its last vestiges of real power. (Fun fact: the Christianists shouldn't have laid the blame on Edward VII, but rather George V) It's also worth remembering that as Empress, Victoria had more power over the colonies than she did at home, through the appointment of Viceroys.

  32. VA_Dreaming

    Wouldn't Jesus actually be a beautiful example of social evolution. He came from a fairly rigid religious/social system and introduced some changes causing a new religious/social system to break off and grow into a separate species. Sounds to me like Jesus and Darwin had more in common than christians would like to believe.

  33. Dashboard Buddha

    John Stuart Mill?

    John Stuart Mill, of his own free will,
    On half a pint of shandy was particularly ill.

      1. MosesInvests

        Aristotle, Aristotle was a bugger for a bottle,
        And Hobbes was fond of his dram,
        AND Rene Descartes was a drunken fart,
        "I drink therefore I am."

          1. MosesInvests

            That's from the first stanza. The verse from the second stanza is:
            "Oh, Socrates 'imself is particularly missed,
            A lovely little thinker, but a bugger when 'e's pissed."

  34. An_Outhouse

    I have crap load of 'private property' cluttering up my yard. I wish someone would come and liberate it.

  35. BadKitty904

    I’ve always been fascinated by these people picking and choosing their “science” with the same consistency, and based on pretty much the same criteria (“whatever suits my current POV”), as they pick and choose their Scripture.

    If they *truly* believe “science” is evil, they should forsake ALL of it – and be living in an unheated mud hut, then dying of old age/malnutrition/disease at 30 years-old.

    1. BlueStateLibel

      Or they could live in M. Night Shyamalan's "The Village' and dress up in monster costumes to scare everyone and keep them in line. Which is actually what they do, come to think about it. Hm, better movie than I thought.

        1. BlueStateLibel

          Sorry.. It wasn't that good actually. Just scary, suspenseful, and thought-provoking, with first-rating acting and actors. "Oh, you humans and your films," as Mitt Rmoney would say.

          1. Negropolis

            I can't tell you how mad I got when I saw the twist. That was actually the last of his movies I went to see in a theater.

  36. Biff

    Sort of OT, but some good friends of mine related an incident next door to them in Vallejo CA wherein a man who thought himself to be a god, as well as his gay lover, set fire to their house early this morning smashed windows in their cars, ran around nekkid, killed a duck or maybe a chicken, etc.
    The guy planned to start his own religion, couldn't be any crazier than the xtains, amirite?

    1. Rotundo_

      Folks who consider themselves gods usually make for lousy neighbors. Who would want to worship some doofus burning down his house and running around breaking the windows on his car anyhow. And becoming a missionary for this sort must be tough: "Here is a picture of Larry running around with his dick hanging out strangling a duck: Do you believe yet?"

  37. Toomush_Infer

    Silly Wonkettes: if Evolution was real, how come there are still Republicans?….Huh? Huh? Henngggghhh?…..

  38. johnnyzhivago

    OT, but could someone please explain to me WHAT THE FUCK IS WRONG WITH CNN? They are running this series on CNN.com on undecided voters – showing an infographic with their choice in SHOES for some reason.

    Seriously, why would anyone care what a 36 year old SWF who cannot figure out that Romney is an asshole finds to be an appealing set of shoes to buy?

    It's un-fucking-believeable! Here… see the shoes that an undecided voter somehow managed to decide to buy:
    http://www.cnn.com/interactive/2012/10/politics/u

      1. Blueb4sinrise

        YAYYYYYYYYYYYY!!!!!!!

        Also, CNN has told us more about Ms. Palmer than about Rmoney's tax magic!!!

  39. ttommyunger

    "… faithless theologians who believed that the Bible was merely a beautiful myth and full of errors." The number who do not believe it is full of errors is restricted to those who have never read it completely and thoughtfully. OT: I was just notified by email that I was being followed on twitter by stimulator (@stimulator). This is probably the only internet entity more anti-PC than Wonkette. I was shown a twitter pop-up that had one word: "Forbidden"…WTF?

  40. tessiee

    "hand-in-hand with “Darwinism” comes socialism, which of course “attacked the very heart of Britain’s economic success by retarding personal initiative and interfering with the exercise of free enterprise capitalism.”"

    a/k/a survival of the fittest?

  41. Sassomatic

    That is the truly fucked up thing about these people. They literally believe that helping the poor and fighting for for social justice is -evil-

    If Jesus Christ really was the Earthly incarnation of God, and that is what he believed and taught, then he can go fuck himself in the ass with a flaming chainsaw, and I will go take my chances in Hell.

    1. Mittaplasia

      Heaven is overrated, IMHO. Rainbows, unicorns and big fluffy white clouds, but the music totally sucked every time I visited back during the Flatliners fad and I was always glad when they brought me back.

    2. Dashboard Buddha

      Said it before and I will say it before god himself. If the religious right, Jerry Falwel, et al were what he decides christianity should be, please give me the special number to expedia so I can book my room him hell now. 'cuz is if this is what god, should he exist, intended he can bite me. Hell may suck, but eternity is too long to spend hanging out with douchebags.

  42. johnnyzhivago

    I'd like to see a reputable news organization like CNN do a study on how many pairs of shoes you own as an indicator of who you're voting for. I submit two data points:

    My wife: appx 7000 pairs of shoes -> supporting Obama
    Myself: 2 pairs of running shoes and 1 pair of loafers (appx 10 yrs old): supporting Obama.

  43. Negropolis

    Victoria never had any mistresses.

    John Brown and Abdul Karim libel!

    “the greatest happiness for the greatest namber”

    Aye! The horror!

    1. Lot_49

      The latest meme among the ultra-rich: "I make charitable donations which are the functional and moral equivalent of taxes paid by the Poors. In fact the moral content of charitable contributions is even higher than paying taxes, since it's voluntary."

      Buckle your chinstrap before reading this one; it's a rough ride through Entitledville:
      http://www.newyorker.com/reporting/2012/10/08/121

  44. Biel_ze_Bubba

    The greatest happiness for the greatest number, regardless of the consequences.

    Did they happen to provide a short list of the undesirable consequences of happiness?

  45. DesertTed

    We don't have anything passed down through antiquity that is over, say, 4000 years but the world is really 4 billion years old. How does that work?

    1. mmeetoilenoir

      Oh, for fuck's sake.

      I know that natural history museums are hard for you Young Earth folk to handle, but you might want to go visit a good one. Only problem is, they're usually in heathen-filled URBAN cities, ya dig?

      1. DesertTed

        I'm no young earther. I don't have a horse in this race but it's odd that we don't have anything with an unbroken chain of evidence beyond a certain time. It's one thing to find something and say it's 50,000 years old and quite another to have it passed down and know when it's from. We have towns, we have the pyramids but what do we have that we KNOW comes from a certain time? When scientists pull numbers out of their ass they should call it Fecal Dating method because it's mostly BS and conjecture. It seems like there are two sides of true believers and nobody really gives a shit about anything but supporting their own entrenched positions.

        1. Jukesgrrl

          I don't know about anyone else here, but I've looked down the Grand Canyon often enough to know that it's been here more than 50,000 years. And I'm happy to believe the geologists who say the river was cutting through the Colorado plateau at least 17 million years ago.

          1. DesertTed

            The Grand Canyon is not of human origin. Also, there's a theory that I read that posits that the Grand Canyon was once a giant lake and it's emptying created the canyon. That makes some sense because there are other great rivers in the US but none have created anything like the Grand Canyon.

          2. BoatOfVelociraptors

            Mons Olympus is not of human origin, beyond being discovered by humans and given the name "Mons Olympus".
            Also, If you think that atomic decay isn't the most precise measure of time developed on the planet, I want you to take all of your radios, transistor, lasers, GPS chips, bluetooth headsets, microwaves, computers, wifi cards and cell phones and throw them into the ocean, and start banging some rocks together, until you begin to comprehend the concept of time.

          3. sullivanst

            Especially the GPS devices. Light travels at 300,000,000 meters a second, to within 0.1%, so an error of 1 microsecond translates to being out by 300 meters, that's 1,000 feet to you Luddites who don't know metric yet.

            Also too, tree ring dating takes us back 11,000 years. Also too, Sumerian historical records go back 5,000, not 4,000, years. It's not odd that there's nothing handed down directly over that period, things are fragile, and 5,000 years is a long-ass time. Can you remember what you had for lunch Wednesday? Besides, we have plenty of artifacts that are reliably dated much older than 5,000 years.

          4. BigSkullF*ckingDog

            The Venus of Willendorf is thought to have been made over 20,000 years ago, but I guess it doesn't count because it wasn't passed down as a family heirloom since then. Also, it's an icky, fat nekkid woman, so, SIN.

          5. Dashboard Buddha

            And how, pray tell, did this giant lake come to be dug? I've heard a theory that it came from a Scot dropping a ha' penny down a gopher hole, but that's just silly.

          6. sullivanst

            Whoop ti do with your "not of human origin". So what? It's obviously ancient. Are you attempting to claim that humans have only existed for 4,000 years or something equally moronic? You do understand that the other great rivers in the US do not traverse geology similar to that crossed by the Colorado, right? It matters that it's a rocky desert. The Mississippi goes through a vegetated environment, with soil, and thus meanders rather than carving a canyon.

            Geeze. Basic geography, how does it work?

            BTW, what do you think it means that we can observe light from stars (well, galaxy clusters) that are over 10 billion light years distant?

        2. Negropolis

          I don't have a horse in this race…

          Lol! I love that you pretend this is something you can try and straddle. You can either deny the scientific facts quite literally staring you in the face when you view and obviously ancient landscape, or you can accept them. This isn't something one can have an opinion on; this isn't a theory. This isn't something up for debate.

          Don't get too cute, now. If you don't have a (dancing) horse in this race, then I'm the fuckin' pope.

        3. BigSkullF*ckingDog

          "I don't have a horse in this race "

          Actually, nobody has a horse in this race, because its not a race. There is what the empirical evidence tells us, and then there are nutjobs denying reality. That does not make a controversy, even if one side would like it to. The best thing to do with nutjobs is to point and laugh.

          HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA
          <pointing>

  46. PrimlyStable

    I like to imagine creationist tourists arriving in London to pay tribute to Queen Victoria, going to an ATM at Heathrow and being issued with a wad of £10 notes, all of which bear the portrait of a certain Mr C R Darwin.

  47. sullivanst

    I love how Darwinism and the rise of Modernism are not at all Victoria's fault, but entirely Edward VII's, even though both happened long before the end of her reign.

  48. DahBoner

    The ungodly ideas of… 4000 year-old Jewish goat herders, who thought the Earth had "four corners", oh, about 67 times throughout The Bible?

  49. sullivanst

    Yes yes yes, the decline of the British Empire was all due to Edward VII and those damn godless Fabians, and nothing at all to do with two World Wars separated by a global depression.

  50. BigSkullF*ckingDog

    I'm crossing my fingers waiting for the Christian biology textbook. But, if there was some wackadoodle belief system that would have gotten me out of calculus class, I would have been a fervent convert.

  51. ElPinche

    Here are some "scientific THEORIES" converted in the THE TRUTH:
    1. Magnetic fields: Miracles, duh
    2. The "Universe": Sky goes up about 500,000 ft then hits the "world ceiling" which is controlled by the NWO and America. Above that is Heaven. Astronomers might as be called astrologers , all that NASA data is made up on CGI.
    3. Carbon dating is just poop (ref. Desert Ted)
    4. Quantum theory: Tiny confused gnats mistaken for liberal mumbo jumbo about the wave–particle duality of energy on the Planck constant scale expressed as wavefunctions. Pfft.

    1. sullivanst

      4. Actually last week's New Scientist had some interesting observations about how the Heisenburg Uncertainty Principle fundamentally alters probability from a subjective limitation on knowledge to an objective set of unknowables. The implications this has for the 2nd Law of Thermodynamics are certainly interesting, and this insight may in provide a pathway to discovering the long sought-after Theory of Everything, or at the very least unifying quantum mechanics with general relativity. Also too, I took a 3rd year course in solid state physics at college, it was devilishly hard, but the fact that you're able to talk about whether quantum mechanics is real using a computer on the internet is in fact proof that quantum mechanics is real, because silicon-based semiconductors are 100% dependent on quantum effects to function.

      1. Doktor Zoom

        "alters probability from a subjective limitation on knowledge to an objective set of unknowables. "

        Donald Rumsfeld is doing physics now?

          1. Doktor Zoom

            I understand science just enough to make funny. And to be awed by the incredible beauty of it all, in a "Carl Sagan in his imaginary spaceship" kind of way. And it pisses me off that Christianists are determined to rein in the boundaries of science by saying "Nah, our book says it can't work that way."

            As poet Mary Oliver said, 'The world doesn't have to be beautiful to work. But it is."

      2. ElPinche

        Go unified theory!
        Yeah, I worked in R&D at Motorola in ion implantation. I was saddened to find out that I actually had to use all that bonkers math I did college to do my job.

  52. Doktor Zoom

    They hold him back for a couple of chapters (he's in "20th-Century Liberalism: Retreat From Authority and Responsibility"), but believe me, he's in there–there's a full page dedicated to how "education suffered terribly from the anti-Christian philosophies" to which Dewey contributed.

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