Sundays With The Christianists: The Sun Never Sets On This ‘World History’ Textbook For Home-Schoolers

by Doktor Zoom

Colonial Jesus Says "Lie Back and Think Of England"Huzzah! We’ve reached the Victorian Era in our 10th-grade World History textbook, World History and Cultures In Christian Perspective. Funny how so much of the best world history in this book just happens to be British history, isn’t it? We’ll assume this is simple Anglophilia on the part of the editors, with no theological implications, but who knows! Last week we covered the happy-go-lucky job creators of the Industrial Revolution, and this week, it’s on to other notable achievements of Victorian England, such as Victoria herself, who was the Bestest Monarch Evar, and Imperialism, which brought the blessings of civilzation and the Gospel to undeserving savages around the world.

Imminent Victorians: Best. Era. Ever.

World History goes through some wild swings in tone, from sneering disgust at the “atheists” behind the French Revolution to peeved defenses of the decent, unfairly-demonized robber barons of the industrial age. The editors have a mad crush on Queen Victoria that seems beyond ideology; we suspect the following passage was written with a raging stiffy:

It is said that [Victoria] once declared, “I will be good.” When Victoria was 18 years old, William IV died and the responsibilities of the crown fell to her. Victoria would become the longest-ruling monarch in English history; throughout the 64 years of her reign she kept her childhood resolution to “be good,” changing the people’s view of the monarchy from one of disdain to one of respect and pride….Under the wise leadership of Queen Victoria (ruled 1837 – 1901), Great Britain reached the height of its glory and became the leading country of the world (p. 359).

Lurking behind this tumescent prose, of course, is a love of raw geopolitical power, Christianist self-congratulation, and a little something else, as we see in the following little just-so stories, presented as actual events:

Victoria spoke for the nation in her reply to a visiting African prince who asked her the secret of England’s success. Victoria did not take him to see the glittering crown jewels, or to observe the great industrial cities at work, or to hear the brilliant orators who debated in Parliament. Instead, she presented the prince with a Bible, and said, “Here is the secret of England’s greatness.” A prince from India also recognized this truth. “Where did the English-speaking people get all their intelligence, and energy, and cleverness, and power?” he asked. “It is their Bible that gives it to them. And now they bring it to us and say, ‘This is what raised us. Take it and raise yourselves’” (pp. 360-61).

The Secret of England’s Greatness by Thomas Jones BarkerO, how grateful these unnamed dusky-hued nobles are! They don’t mind being colonized one bit! Both stories have enough holes to fill the Albert Hall: the “African prince” yarn is wholly mythical, although it made for a nice 1865 propaganda painting. Similarly, the story of the “Indian prince” comes from an 1880 edition of The Missionary Herald, so you know that it’s perfectly accurate. (And now we know — for the sake of mythological accuracy, they really should start stocking Bibles at Victoria’s Secret).

Why, Yes, There Are Workhouses. And They’re AWESOME!

And despite the impression that you may have gotten from that malcontent Charles Dickens, Victorian Christians were just the kindest, warmest, most wonderful human beings you’ve ever known in your life:

The world has probably never seen such selfless charity as burst forth in the 19th century in the wake of England’s Wesleyan revival and the subsequent preaching of the gospel during the Victorian Age. Never before in history had so many people done so much for others. The Victorians’ acts of benevolence were freely performed, compelled by the inner sense of duty and the love for mankind that come from obedience to Scriptural truth.

We learn about founders of orphanages and crusading reformers who “eased the difficult conditions in the factories and lowered the number of working hours to 10 per day” and prohibitied children from working in coal mines. And yet for some reason, the textbook doesn’t ever quite explain just why such awful conditions came about in the first place. We bet it was Papists. In a passage on the founder of the Salvation Army, William Booth, we do get one possible explanation:

Believing that the main problem of London’s poor was not their destitute environment but rather their sinful hearts, Booth dedicated his life to winning the indigent to Christ and helping them with their physical needs (p. 365).

The sinful-hearted poor no doubt loved having to take a bucket of preaching with their cups of gruel. We also learn that the Victorians had a model for education that the authors strongly imply should be adopted right away in modrn-day America:

Many 19th-century Christians helped the cause of Britain’s poor by providing them with an education. In fact, until the 20th century, most of Britain’s schools were run by Christian organizations. Christians aided popular education through the founding of Sunday schools, “ragged schools” (schools for poor children), and monitorial schools, which compensated for the lack of qualified teachers by training older children to help teach the younger children. In 1870, the British government opened tax-supported public schools, but at the turn of the century approximately 3/4 of British schools were still privately administered, and all schools were required to teach religion p. 365).

We thought some of Newt Gingrich’s ideas for school reform sounded familiar. Why have we gotten away from this obviously golden age?

Into The Heart of Darkness…with Bibles!

You will be thoroughly surprised to learn that the expansion of British hegemony across the globe was pretty much the nicest thing that could have happened to those benighted places :

The empire was a great benefit to Britain, and Britain was in many ways a great benefit to the lands in her dominion. While the colonies gave Britain wealth and power, Britain shared with the colonies her traditions of Christianity, technology, representative government, and reform. British colonial rule also established law and order throughout the realm and suspended much of the war and bloodshed that had raged between the various tribes and religious factions in Africa and Asia. In the process, the British effected great improvements in the livelihood of the native populations, such as better agriculture, education, hospitals, and industry (p. 367).

Also, hardly any massacres, and any exploitation was made up for by all the good stuff. For instance, in India, the British

usually tried to respect the religious customs and traditions of India. Sometimes, however, a custom was so barbaric that it had to be stopped. Such horrific practices included the suttee (forcing widows to hurl themselves upon their husbands’ funeral pyres) and human sacrifice. Such cruelty shocked the British, and rightly so. The British ended such practices while preserving most traditions. The British also introduced the Indians to modern conveniences such as the railroad, the telegraph, and improved agricultural methods. Thus the culture of India became a blending of East and West, a mixing together of the time-hallowed old and the civilized new (p. 370).

So it sounds like things worked out pretty well! Of the bloody “Sepoy Rebellion” of 1857, we are told only that “The British government quelled the rebellinon and took measures to ensure that such a incident never happened again,” which sort of glosses over some of the fun stuff that happened involved in a good thorough quelling, like mass bayonetting of civilians and a playful method of execution the British borrowed from the locals:

the British had some [mutineers] “blown from cannon” (an old Mughal punishment adopted many years before in India). Sentenced rebels were tied over the mouths of cannons and blown to pieces when the gun was fired.

Leaving this out seems like a notable oversight, because it shows that firm discipline is just part of a Bible-inspired nation’s enlightened style of ruling its backwards subjects.

And then there’s Africa! You might be wondering whether they call it “The Dark Continent” again. Why, yes! They actually do, but that is not a racial thing!

People called it the “Dark Continent” because so little was known about the land and its people….The nations of Europe saw Africa as a vast treasure chest waiting to be opened. But some Europeans saw the continent as more than just a source of possible riches; many saw it as a mission field ripe for harvest…Throughout the 19th century Christian missionaries worked diligently to penetrate the dark interior of Africa with the light of the gospel. In addition to evangelizing the African people, they established churches, schools, and hospitals, and helped bring to an end the cruel and inhumane slave trade and many of the bloody tribal wars (p. 371).

See! Focus on the good stuff, OK? As a case study of European colonization, the textbook focuses on South Africa. (We will let you provide your own answers as to why this might be a slightly problematic example.) The Boer War is glossed over in a short paragraph, which at least mentions that the Boers lost “thousands of their women and children to disease in British detention camps.” Interesting phrasing, no? Good to know who those women and children belonged to! The textbook doesn’t use the British military’s own coinage for those camps — the Christian soldiers of Great Britain called them “concentration camps.”

All in all, Colonialism worked out pretty well for everybody:

Britain greatly profited from the empire, but the countries of the empire greatly profited from Britain as well, for she shared two most important gifts with them: her Christian faith and her representative form of government (p. 375).

Wasn’t that nice of Britain?

Next Week: After two weeks of previews saying he was on the way, we finally get to history’s greatest monster: Charles Darwin. Also, a bunch of socialists and atheists show up and ruin EVERYTHING.

 

Hola wonkerados.

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{ 267 comments }

memzilla October 14, 2012 at 11:05 am

IOW: The Victorian Era = The Romneyrian Era, but with lacier Magic Underpants.

or are they?

chascates October 14, 2012 at 11:08 am

And the union workhouses – are they still in operation?

weejee October 14, 2012 at 11:09 am

Believing that the main problem of London’s poor was not their destitute environment but rather their sinful hearts

I love my sinful heart, so I guess that's why I'm not destitute.

Beowoof October 14, 2012 at 11:10 am

Well they did get all those brown people out to work, which seems to be what these folks are all about anyway. While they stayed home and thought up new ways to enforce compliance with their draconian rules.

PubOption October 14, 2012 at 11:10 am

Can they find biblical justification for Cecil Rhodes naming a country after himself?

Spurning Beer October 14, 2012 at 4:15 pm

Cecilvania?

GunToting[Redacted] October 14, 2012 at 5:08 pm

Not to mention that Fender keyboard thingie.

doloras October 14, 2012 at 5:25 pm

He was gay, also too, and according to rumour, was reincarnated as L. Ron Hubbard.

Redgyal October 14, 2012 at 5:26 pm

Narcissism was a virtue in Victorian England.

fartknocker October 14, 2012 at 11:17 am

That was heart warming. Wait, did we skip the section on child labor and children being entapped and losing limbs or lives in poorly designed machinery?

sullivanst October 14, 2012 at 11:34 am

If by "we", you mean "A Beka", then yes.

Doktor Zoom October 14, 2012 at 11:59 am

Let's be fair–they mentioned it once in the chapter on the industrial revolution, and today, I have to retract my comment last week that the book never mentions it again, since they do note the legislation barring children from working "in such dangerous occupations as coal mining or chimney sweeping." Talk about your triumph of Christian kindness!

So the book actually covers child labor TWICE AS MUCH as what I'd said it did. Don't trust the liberal media.

sullivanst October 14, 2012 at 12:10 pm

Although I can't help but notice, in neither mention of the children is there reference to entrapment or loss of limbs, or the poor design of the machinery that caused them.

Doktor Zoom October 14, 2012 at 12:13 pm

Why do you people insist on demonizing the job creators?

Chet Kincaid_ October 14, 2012 at 12:44 pm

Plunging a small child at the end a long stick into a vintage Victorian chimney is still the most effective cleaning method! Why do we turn from time-hallowed traditions such as these in our pride-full, Man-Centered Era?!

schvitzatura October 18, 2012 at 4:16 am

Nowhere is there a more 'appier crew
Than them wot sings, "Chim chim cher-ee, chim cher-oo!"

HistoriCat October 15, 2012 at 11:21 am

I'm going to go out on a limb and guess that they don't bother with any of the photographs taken showing child laborers …

WhatTheHeck October 14, 2012 at 12:23 pm

Well, every time a child got caught in a machine, productivity went down. So this was a blemish on capitalism, which is something you wouldn’t want to highlight too much.

Doktor Zoom October 14, 2012 at 1:16 pm

Right, and bits of Child in the "Patented Child-Free Sausage With Named Meat" would be bad for sales, so the market really regulated itself without any government interference.

WhatTheHeck October 14, 2012 at 1:23 pm

This might be where the term ‘elbow grease’ originated; a child’s arm in a moving piece of machinery lubricated the gears of capitalism.

OurDailyBread October 14, 2012 at 1:55 pm

I'm an atheist; I don't believe in the Invisible Hand of the Free Market.

Willardbot9000_V2.5 October 14, 2012 at 4:31 pm

Have we covered the American Civil War yet? Because I love it when Christianists skip over the whole "this was because of slavery" portion of it to babble about states rights….to own slaves. Especially when they gloss over South Carolina's declaration of secession which declared slavery a "god given institution" established by the natural laws of white people being superior to the darkies. Christianists just LOVE to pretend there was no such thing in the declaration.

Doktor Zoom October 14, 2012 at 6:03 pm

The US Civil War is mentioned briefly in the chapter on the Industrial Revolution, but is otherwise not even in the index. Of course, this is a World History book, and there's plenty of attention to the Civil War in the US History texts from the same publisher, which we will eventually slog through.

VaWyo October 15, 2012 at 1:23 pm

I think you mean the War of Northern Aggression.

mbobier October 14, 2012 at 11:18 am

I do wonder what Dickens would say about all that "selfless charity." But I don't have to wonder very hard.

As for "ragged schools," we already have those, in the form of public schools in low-income neighborhoods, and Romney/Ryan think that's just ginger peachy, thank you.

LibertyLover October 14, 2012 at 1:25 pm

Aren't these the schools that Romney wants to give vouchers to the parent so they can afford the more expensive private/parochial schools?

Doktor Zoom October 14, 2012 at 2:18 pm

In today's economy, we are all Mr. Micawber, holding to the hope that surely something will turn up.

mbobier October 14, 2012 at 2:34 pm

While the Uriah Heeps try to make sure that something DOESN'T turn up.

CthuNHu October 14, 2012 at 11:18 am

I'd hoped they'd include a little more on Victorian literature and amusements.

Chet Kincaid_ October 14, 2012 at 12:59 pm

Old Timey Smut, just like Noonington privately composes about Ramrod Ronald Reagan!

Incitefully_Joe October 14, 2012 at 11:18 am

"Victoria would become the longest-ruling monarch in English history"

Loving that bit of empahsis there, as in a hereditary monarchy, the secret to becoming the longest-ruling monarch in history is "not dying too soon". Now if that's not a sign of Victoria's awesometude, I don't know what is.

Doktor Zoom October 14, 2012 at 11:21 am

It's mostly italicized to indicate what's going to be on the test, but yeah, it's kind of stated as if it meant she kept getting re-elected.

Like Queen Amidala. (And I said there were no Star Wars references…)

glasspusher October 14, 2012 at 2:10 pm

Amygdala?

Geminisunmars October 14, 2012 at 2:34 pm

Brainiac.

Negropolis October 15, 2012 at 3:00 am

Sweet, sweet Natalie Portman.

She was one bad-ass queen in the first movie, but by the end of the second movie, they'd all but turned her into a piece of background set-piece. It was one of the things I was most angry at Lucas for in the prequels. Her lines got cheesier, and they shrank her down into two dimensions, and it was SO obvious.

mille derps October 14, 2012 at 11:30 am

Clearly Divine Right of Kings is still at play here. Your votes are as nothing compared to God's vote (the gift of longevity). And don't go bringing up counter-examples of long-lived rulers of countries where they don't speak English- they do not really matter to WASP God.

trampndirtdown October 14, 2012 at 1:35 pm

Putin Libel!

mille derps October 14, 2012 at 2:05 pm

Victoria ruled for more than 60 yrs. Putin turned 60 one week ago… (It just SEEMS like he's been in power forever…)

Incitefully_Joe October 14, 2012 at 7:09 pm

Clearly Divine Right of Kings is still at play here. Your votes are as nothing compared to God's vote (the gift of longevity).

You know, I completely forgot about that part of the Bibble, it must be right next to the passage,

For He so loved the world that he gave the greatest Kings and Queens haemophilia

sullivanst October 14, 2012 at 11:42 am

There are two secrets to becoming the longest-ruling monarch. First is to live a long life. The other very important one is to have your parents die when you are young, and not have older brothers (no older sisters either if you are with vagina yourself, which you probably are if you're going to live a long time).

Of course, in a couple of years' time, Old Vic may well have lost her title.

WhatTheHeck October 14, 2012 at 12:26 pm

and the third secret was that she kept having sex … a lot of sex.

Negropolis October 15, 2012 at 3:02 am

Virgin dowager libel!

Mittens Howell, III October 14, 2012 at 11:22 am

I puked a little reading this, and rightly so.

mille derps October 14, 2012 at 11:39 am

Ah, just in time for Sunday brunch!

kittensdontlie October 14, 2012 at 12:40 pm

This C-Revisionist history has my Anglophobia flaring up.

sullivanst October 14, 2012 at 12:44 pm

I'd just like to point out, you wouldn't find this nonsense in an English textbook. Although, they really like to try their best to just ignore that whole era of stealing dark-skinned people and shipping them overseas, or the whole era of stealing dark-skinned people's land, taking all their resources, and justifying it by forcing the Bible down their throats.

eggsacklywright October 14, 2012 at 11:22 am

And all the gold and diamonds the locals gave to the Brits were just out of gratitude to their saviors.

Biel_ze_Bubba October 14, 2012 at 10:05 pm

And the copper, and the rubber, and the cotton, too, also.

under_score October 14, 2012 at 11:22 am

"Britain as well, for she shared two most important gifts with them: her Christian faith and her representative form of government "

IMO the game of cricket was arguably Britain's most important gift. It certainly has won more acolytes than Christianity has.

sullivanst October 14, 2012 at 11:35 am

And caused fewer deaths, despite its best efforts.

viennawoods13 October 14, 2012 at 11:26 pm

Well, but then there's this

Chet Kincaid_ October 14, 2012 at 1:04 pm

Football is more popular worldwide than cricket isn't it, and was born in England too?
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Football

nobodyssweetheart October 14, 2012 at 1:28 pm

India is mad for cricket, though

trampndirtdown October 14, 2012 at 1:48 pm

As is Indonesia.

doloras October 14, 2012 at 5:27 pm

And England is mad for curry and tea. Fair exchange!

sullivanst October 15, 2012 at 12:33 am

The whole world plays football, but cricket is pretty much only played by territories that were once part of the British Empire. So, cricket is the "special" gift.

HistoriCat October 15, 2012 at 11:25 am

Yes but no one in America understands what the hell is going on during a cricket game so it doesn't count.

sullivanst October 15, 2012 at 1:12 pm

Yeah, well, that's what happens when you get all uppity and #war the Brits – you lose out on the sports they invent afterwards.

Redgyal October 14, 2012 at 5:34 pm

What about the concept of race? No credit for "sharing" that with others?

snowpointsecret October 14, 2012 at 11:23 am

"Under the wise leadership of Queen Victoria (ruled 1837 1901), Great Britain reached the height of its glory and became the leading country of the world (p. 359)."

You know, except for losing its grip on some major pieces of its empire, but okay.

sullivanst October 14, 2012 at 11:38 am

In the Victorian era? Define "losing its grip"… the vast majority of decolonization didn't happen until 45 years after Victoria's death. The Victorian era was totally the height of brutal savagery committed in the name of civilizing the savages.

snowpointsecret October 14, 2012 at 11:41 am

I wouldn't call taking African areas and such bigger than losing some of their western areas like Canada due to the geography of it all. Canada would have been a really nice port area in North America which is far closer than the Caribbean for England. Maybe it's a matter of perspective, but I certainly wouldn't call that a gain.

Edit: Apparently England still had control of foreign affairs in Canada itself but still lost a good bit of impact. Maybe I was off a bit about this but I'm still not sure "height of the empire" is accurate either…

sullivanst October 14, 2012 at 12:03 pm

More gold and diamonds in Africa. Well, more diamonds certainly, and the gold in the Yukon wasn't discovered until 1896.

Plus, Victoria was still monarch of Canada, and one presumes that Britain retained use of the ports.

snowpointsecret October 14, 2012 at 12:07 pm

Okay, I admit the gold wasn't something I thought about… I see your point now, you're probably right on this. I always thought England's peak was well before this though…

viennawoods13 October 14, 2012 at 11:29 pm

Damn right Britain still got to use the ports. Hell, Canada didn't even have its own navy until 1910. AND Canada got Confederated and quasi-independent in 1867 because England wanted it that way. Canada was just too darn expensive to run, without high enough returns. Besides, all those pesky white people living there weren't as expendable/biddable as those brown people in Africa and India.

glasspusher October 14, 2012 at 2:13 pm

Dan Savage LIBEL! It gets better.

Radiotherapy October 14, 2012 at 11:47 am

I thought America became the leading country of the world….why do they hate America?

Geminisunmars October 14, 2012 at 2:41 pm

Because g-d love America the bestest.

frostbitefalls October 14, 2012 at 11:25 am

"With one part of my mind I thought of the British Raj as an unbreakable tyranny, as something clamped down, in saecula saeculorum, upon the will of prostrate peoples; with another part I thought that the greatest joy in the world would be to drive a bayonet into a Buddhist priest's guts. Feelings like these are the normal by-products of imperialism; ask any Anglo-Indian official, if you can catch him off duty."

George Orwell, being honest about the whole thing.

no_gravity October 14, 2012 at 11:25 am

Sentenced rebels were tied over the mouths of cannons and blown to pieces when the gun was fired.

That's what's going to happen to the 47% if Romney gets elected.

PubOption October 14, 2012 at 11:43 am

I have heard claims that damage to the body was likely to cause certain Hindus to be reincarnated as something lower on the scale, and that major damage like this would push them way down. They could, of course, continue their anti-colonial activities as amoebae in the water supply.

LibertyLover October 14, 2012 at 1:30 pm

If Romney gets elected, I might just welcome being tied over the mouth of a canon.

glasspusher October 14, 2012 at 2:15 pm

Neither of these are good affirmations.

C_R_Eature October 14, 2012 at 11:27 am

I think that the British did their utmost to bring the manifold benefits of Civilized Unfettered Capitalism through force of arms to all those Darker Continent peoples. I, for one, admire the calm leadership of the British Officer Class.

glasspusher October 14, 2012 at 2:17 pm

Gave their army a leg up.

C_R_Eature October 14, 2012 at 2:31 pm

"NO! No, no no naaw…no. No, No, No. No. Yes."

glasspusher October 14, 2012 at 3:53 pm

Hello! Good evening, and welcome to "The Middle of the Film"

viennawoods13 October 14, 2012 at 11:30 pm

I knew it! Didn't even have to click.

frostbitefalls October 14, 2012 at 11:27 am

Do the Brazilians have anything to say about this?

Biff October 14, 2012 at 11:30 am

Yes.
kkkkkkkkkk

Doktor Zoom October 14, 2012 at 1:18 pm

And : "OW!"

C_R_Eature October 14, 2012 at 1:22 pm

You know Who Else had a whole lot of Boys from Brazil?

CthuNHu October 14, 2012 at 1:24 pm

Rush Limbaugh?

glasspusher October 14, 2012 at 2:19 pm

Thanks for being there last night, Biff. I swear, there were a Brazilian of them.

Biff October 14, 2012 at 2:33 pm

Once I got over the shock, I sort of enjoyed it. I never knew fans of telenovelas were so passionate…

glasspusher October 14, 2012 at 3:55 pm

Yeah. I imagined boobies being shook at me all night. Where'd you learn Portuguese?

OzoneTom October 14, 2012 at 11:28 am

Did they forget the invention of tin-foil, which is used to construct their jaunty caps?

snowpointsecret October 14, 2012 at 11:29 am

"Britain greatly profited from the empire, but the countries of the empire greatly profited from Britain as well, for she shared two most important gifts with them: her Christian faith and her representative form of government (p. 375)."

See, apartheid was okay because at least they got Christianity!

Seriously though Doktor Zoom, how do you manage to read this stuff every week without punching through several walls?

gullywompr October 14, 2012 at 11:32 am

What? What's wrong with talking about US America in the Victorian Era? Massive immigration due to Old Country poverty, leading to ethnocentrism, combined with a dash of southern slavery and topped with a big ol' civil war… what more could a fundie want?

Doktor Zoom October 14, 2012 at 11:33 am

I'll confess I completely overlooked the Potato Famine.

Then again, so did England.

sullivanst October 14, 2012 at 11:46 am

Oh they knew it was happening, that's why they took special precautions to make sure their horses were fed (even if that meant even fewer of the people were).

As an Englishman, it still pains me to hear it described by my wife's Aunt as genocide, but I can't say I have any great defense against the claim. "Well, they didn't particularly intend for everyone to starve to death, they just knew it was happening and didn't give a shit" isn't exactly convincing.

Pithaughn October 14, 2012 at 11:32 am

If there are any bright students in the classes where this text is used they may ask " If the empire was so favored by God, why is'nt the empire ruling the whole world now? "

Geminisunmars October 14, 2012 at 2:46 pm

It isn't?

viennawoods13 October 14, 2012 at 11:32 pm

You are expecting more of their mother than is reasonable.

sullivanst October 14, 2012 at 11:32 am

Yes, yes, being in the Empire was so awesome for those inferior savages they simply loved every minute of it, and never rebelled in any way at any time. There were no wars of Independence, the British simply announced that they had been civilized enough and left, which obviously they were because all those countries flourished mightily from that moment on.

Oh, wait…

Redgyal October 14, 2012 at 5:41 pm

It's not like that logic hasn't been used to justify a return to imperialism.

mille derps October 14, 2012 at 11:33 am

"We thought some of Newt Gingrich’s ideas for school reform sounded familiar. Why have we gotten away from this obviously golden age?"

Satan. Duh.

Mittens Howell, III October 14, 2012 at 11:34 am

The Second Coming actually occurred in Victorian England, but went astray.

Christ reincarnated as Cuthbert Pifflethwaite,The Third Earl of Sloppfordshire, in 1876. Tragedy struck the young Earl while 'volunteering his charitable services' at a reform school for young ladies, during a laudanam/ hot governess bender.

Cuthbert fell into a vat of porridge after a fit of self-pleasuring and, as God later said, "Botched the whole thing terribly."

Chet Kincaid_ October 14, 2012 at 1:25 pm

This is a scurrilous prevarication!! The Christ Family had been living in conspiratorial seclusion in France for nearly 2 millennia, enjoying the perennial income from their controlling interest in the Holy Roman Empire/Church! Superstition over the eventual return of the founding Christ was the key to maintaining their obscene profit margins.

tessiee October 14, 2012 at 5:43 pm

Although Cuthbert Pifflethwaite's nephew Eggbert did go on to found the Silly Names Party, as well as Furious Eggbert's Lion Dome:
http://theselvedgeyard.wordpress.com/2009/12/05/t

C_R_Eature October 14, 2012 at 11:35 am

tumescent prose

My favorite kind. So much better than flaccid commentary.

weejee October 14, 2012 at 11:59 am

So you think David Brooks needs to give his keyboard some Viagra?

C_R_Eature October 14, 2012 at 12:21 pm

Only if Both Sides Do It.

mavenmaven October 14, 2012 at 11:38 am

"the textbook doesn’t ever quite explain just why such awful conditions came about in the first place. "

Because 47% of the people, will be like that, no matter what.

Monsieur_Grumpe October 14, 2012 at 11:39 am

Meh. England is not so great, Britain on the other hand…

Biff October 14, 2012 at 11:52 am

But it's still jollye, isn't it? And Olde?

eggsacklywright October 14, 2012 at 12:05 pm

Well, Little Britain was pretty good.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ayPD0U_FO4Y&fe

professorhel October 14, 2012 at 11:41 am

These people can go read Henry Mayhew's _London Labour and the London Poor_ and then get back to me about how awesomely the British and Irish poor were treated in their own country. I require a book report and an apology for being such ignorant assholes.

GeorgiaBurning October 14, 2012 at 11:44 am

I can't wait for their movie of "A Christmas Carol", where Tiny Tim dies and meets Jesus, Bob Cratchit and his family go to a workhouse, and Scrooge gets a trophy wife.

Geminisunmars October 14, 2012 at 2:49 pm

So this is based on Gingrich's auto-biography?

Negropolis October 15, 2012 at 3:08 am

Bwahahahahaha!

mavenmaven October 14, 2012 at 11:45 am

I'm going to guess the book doesn't describe the Opium wars, where Britain killed thousands of civilians to keep the drug trade flowing.

weejee October 14, 2012 at 11:55 am

They skipped the bad joss of Taipan?

shelwood46 October 14, 2012 at 1:06 pm

I loved that game.

Radiotherapy October 14, 2012 at 11:46 am

These kids could learn a lot from Mary Poppins.

mille derps October 14, 2012 at 11:54 am

Love that song!

Here's another in that vein: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=JRNHbBg6HVc

viennawoods13 October 14, 2012 at 11:37 pm

Damn I love XTC.

mille derps October 15, 2012 at 1:48 am

Yeah- they're pretty awesome. Do you also like Martin Newell? http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Glwq8GRDywU

sullivanst October 14, 2012 at 12:06 pm

The Kinks libel!

bikerlaureate October 14, 2012 at 4:08 pm

A spoonful of sugar makes the colonialism go down ?

mrblifil October 14, 2012 at 11:48 am

Fuck the Irish also too by the way!

Biff October 14, 2012 at 11:54 am

Potato, potatoe…

trampndirtdown October 14, 2012 at 2:07 pm

Stanford agrees.

viennawoods13 October 14, 2012 at 11:37 pm

Well, the English had to start SOMEWHERE.

Lucidamente1 October 14, 2012 at 11:51 am

Instead, she presented the prince with a Bible, and said, “Here is the secret of England’s greatness.”

To which the African prince replied, "I say, Your Majesty, do you have Prince Albert in a Can?"

mille derps October 14, 2012 at 11:55 am

Awesome!

snowpointsecret October 14, 2012 at 11:53 am

Shorter A Beka Book:

Why? Jesus!

kittensdontlie October 14, 2012 at 12:58 pm

And where was Jesus when the British had over 200 crimes punishable by death, including "being in the company of Gypsies for one month", "strong evidence of malice in a child aged 7–14 years of age" and "blacking the face or using a disguise whilst committing a crime".—Wiki

Jesus Christ!!!

deanbooth October 14, 2012 at 11:56 am

Subtitle: Howard Zinn in Opposite Land

Indiepalin October 14, 2012 at 11:57 am

When do we get to The Rolling Stones v. The Beatles?

Biff October 14, 2012 at 11:59 am

Nobody ever remembers the Dave Clark Five.

SayItWithWookies October 14, 2012 at 12:34 pm

And that makes me glad all over.

The_Lucky_Wife October 14, 2012 at 2:24 pm

The Stones win by default. They may have acted like delinquents, but none of them ever claimed to be more popular than Jesus Christ. Nor was their manager a Jewish homosexual. The Beatles may have had nicer manners, but underneath, they were rotten to the core.

viennawoods13 October 14, 2012 at 11:38 pm

The Who Libel!

VaWyo October 15, 2012 at 1:28 pm

You better, you better, you bet

mrblifil October 14, 2012 at 11:58 am

Victoria is also famous for opining: "Brazilian telenovelas are not amusing."

Biff October 14, 2012 at 12:08 pm

Things would have been entirely different if we'd have fought the Brazilians instead of the Argentinians over the Falklands. You know, kinda like when we invaded Iraq because of what some Saudis did.

Doktor Zoom October 14, 2012 at 12:11 pm

Or our heroic response to the bombing of the Marine barracks in Lebanon, in which we invaded Grenada.

Biff October 14, 2012 at 12:53 pm

I hated reagan before it was cool to hate reagan.

Geminisunmars October 14, 2012 at 2:56 pm

Hey, I hated reagan when he ran for gov of California – even then.

SayItWithWookies October 14, 2012 at 12:03 pm

The Victorian Era must've been when the Americans were just begging to be recolonized by Queen Victoria so we could bask in her Christian greatness so we could rise up ourselves and our statesmen were gnashing their teeth about how hastily we adopted a constitution based on the principles of humanism (although our statesmen pretty much do that on a regular basis anyway).

Although for some reason — clearly evidence of disobedience — I still feel British colonialism's greatest contributions were EM Forster, George Orwell and the epic documentary Zulu Dawn.

Biff October 14, 2012 at 12:14 pm

Right. I hate J.K. Rowling, too.

Blueb4sinrise October 14, 2012 at 12:07 pm

Whoa.

Doktor Zoom October 14, 2012 at 12:09 pm

Also, too, speaking of the Boer War and the admirably Christian goodness of how Britain conducted its massacres, see Adam Hochschild's excellent To End All Wars, which is mostly about WW I, but starts with a look at the British generals and awesomely diligent peace activists who butted heads over the conduct of the Boer War.

sullivanst October 14, 2012 at 12:19 pm

From the publisher's comment:

Today, hundreds of military cemeteries spread across the fields of northern France and Belgium contain the bodies of millions of men who died in the war to end all wars. Can we ever avoid repeating history?

My school, in I suppose it would be the equivalent of 9th grade, organized a trip to the WW1 battlefields and cemeteries; I think it made pacifists out of most of us. It's the strongest memory I have from 7 years at that school. Being there, getting even just a tiny glimpse of the horror of "The Great War", certainly makes the reluctance to re-arm in response to Hitler's rise to power much more understandable.

LibertyLover October 14, 2012 at 1:37 pm

Interesting. Funny that didn't happen here in the States, where people actually re-enact the Civil War battles all of the time. Silly humans. For me, I was in junior high (middle school) when the Vietnam came waltzing into our living rooms on the nightly news and on the covers of Time and Newsweek…
That's what made me a Pacifist.

sullivanst October 15, 2012 at 12:08 am

There are WW1 reenactments too, although the mood of them is very different.

One thing though: Civil War dead: 750,000 (to take the new, higher number); WW1 dead: 16 million.

PubOption October 14, 2012 at 2:30 pm

For those who have not yet seen these photos http://www.dailymail.co.uk/news/article-1325536/A

viennawoods13 October 14, 2012 at 11:40 pm

Thank you; just added that to my WWI curriculum.

deanbooth October 14, 2012 at 12:36 pm

I'm halfway through it. What strikes me most is how utterly stupid the "leaders" are. In fact, this is the lesson from most history books.

* Calvary charge into a machine gun nest, anyone?

sullivanst October 14, 2012 at 12:39 pm

This is what happens when you make the prestige of the name of the school your Daddy bought you into the primary determinant of how high up the officer class you would enter the military.

"I see you went to Eton, you'll start as a Colonel. No no no, hold the rifle at the other end."

Doktor Zoom October 14, 2012 at 1:27 pm

I was really impressed with the creativity of the suffragists, like the one who contrived to have herself delivered in a crate to the floor of Parliament, where she jumped out and delivered a speech on voting.

And brave, tragic Kier Hardie. There's a name more people should know.

And why hasn't there been a Merchant-Ivory style biopic about the Pankhurst family? What a fascinating bunch!

Chet Kincaid_ October 14, 2012 at 1:32 pm

"…who contrived to have herself delivered in a crate to the floor of Parliament, where she jumped out and delivered a speech on voting."

This is the role limeylizzie was born to play!!

glasspusher October 14, 2012 at 4:06 pm

Thanks for the link on Hardie. Loved the line "The 23-year old Keir Hardie moved seamlessly from the coal mines to union organisation work."

Heh.

Doktor Zoom October 14, 2012 at 6:05 pm

Hah! Well-played, anonymous Wikipedian! (If that edit was made by a user named Tom Swift, I'll be particularly impressed)

viennawoods13 October 14, 2012 at 11:42 pm

Well, hell, the cavalry charge worked for a couple of millennia. You don't actually expect these guys to use their brains, do you?

Schmegeg October 14, 2012 at 12:09 pm

Next Up; Queen Vic's grandchildren have a nasty squabble!

VaWyo October 15, 2012 at 1:31 pm

And on to her granddaughter getting executed for being married to another god-fearing imperialist in Russia.

Lucidamente1 October 14, 2012 at 12:10 pm

If I want fucked up British history, I'll watch the opening ceremonies of the London Olympics, thank you very much.

ManchuCandidate October 14, 2012 at 12:11 pm

They called Vicky, the War Queen thanks to all the little wars against uppity brown and yellow people fought in her name because for some reason they were resentful of "good" Xtian toffee nosed gin drinkers telling them what to do.

GunToting[Redacted] October 14, 2012 at 12:13 pm

My great-grandfather was a beneficiary of one of those new goodhearted orphanariums…. Dr Barnardo took my GG in and sent him to Canada, as was his wont. Of course, the fine folks at the organization were not always concerned with whether or not the orphans in question might actually have parents around, but hey! A kid wandering the cold streets of Edinburgh MUST be in need of assistance, and likely, forced expatriation. The family never really was clear on the details.

Doktor Zoom October 14, 2012 at 1:57 pm

Look, they were CHARITIES! Run by CHRISTIANS!!! If you're going to nitpick about details, you'll just make Baby Jebus cry.

tessiee October 14, 2012 at 5:47 pm

"Dr Barnardo took my GG in and sent him to Canada"

But on the plus side, young great-grandpa had all the soap he needed. All-One Cleanliness! Golden Rule! Dilute! Dilute! OK!!

viennawoods13 October 14, 2012 at 11:43 pm

And those Barnardo kids often were treated very harshly in their new "homes". Not a shining moment in the history of Canada or Great Britain.

Lucidamente1 October 14, 2012 at 12:14 pm

“Blown from cannon?” I thought the punishment was "blown by Canon."

Doktor Zoom October 14, 2012 at 12:18 pm

You're thinking of the Roman Church.

Chet Kincaid_ October 14, 2012 at 12:17 pm

Dok, does this "textbook" tackle Freud as well? I read an interesting screed of a book back in the '90s that accused Freud of being an Old Testament Prophet who blamed everything in human psychology on Original Sexual Sin (can't find the exact book online, and I'm not about to go spelunking through basement boxes looking for it), so that cartoon of Freud would fit right in with their world view. Unless they just don't think Sex should be talked about, ever. (Before Mavenmaven gets mad at me, I also read and interesting screed of a book in the '90s about Jung being a Nazi Mystic Cult Leader, like some kind of Hellboy villain.)

Doktor Zoom October 14, 2012 at 12:21 pm

We'll get to Freud in a couple weeks, I think, in "The Roots of Modern Liberalism."

Spoiler: They think he was a very bad man.

Edit, and Irony Alert: They also label sociology and psychology as "pseudoscience." And then they say evolution is a myth, too.

Chet Kincaid_ October 14, 2012 at 12:29 pm

p.s. See what I mean about your avatar?
http://userserve-ak.last.fm/serve/_/6949659/Joe+S

sullivanst October 14, 2012 at 12:32 pm

Hmm, since they don't like science, does that mean "pseudoscience" is a compliment?

Doktor Zoom October 14, 2012 at 1:29 pm

Hah– almost, but not quite, since they apply it to astrology, too.

a_pink_poodle October 14, 2012 at 12:20 pm

How come I didn't get this version of English history when I went to an English school?

RodrigoFaro October 14, 2012 at 12:27 pm

Lack bit for you to reach 100 points

Chet Kincaid_ October 14, 2012 at 1:37 pm

The Holy Spirit has moved its beneficence on to the successor of Victorian British Righteousness, the Yew Ess of Ay, because England eventually succumbed to Godless Secular Humanism, or some shit.

PubOption October 14, 2012 at 2:39 pm

Possibly too many Buddhists, Jews, Hindus, Muslims and Rastafarians.

KeepFnThatChicken October 14, 2012 at 12:25 pm

So the State Representative from Arkansas is right? These darkies should just endure their hellish torture, because they end up better off than the were before it happened.

AlterNewt October 14, 2012 at 12:45 pm

"….The nations of Europe saw Africa as a vast treasure chest waiting to be opened."
[Bad.]

"But some Europeans saw the continent as more than just a source of possible riches; many saw it as a mission field ripe for harvest."
[Good.]

sullivanst October 14, 2012 at 12:46 pm

Frank Luntz approves.

glasspusher October 14, 2012 at 4:16 pm

My niece's hubby is a fundamentalist missionary who travels to Africa to bring the gospel to the locals there. One of my best friends goes there to set up AIDS clinics, treatment, prevention and education.

Jukesgrrl October 14, 2012 at 5:46 pm

Three cheers for the second one.

unclejeems October 14, 2012 at 5:30 pm

Say, something about the Spanish, the Church and American natives might be appropriate there. You know, just as a reference of how earlier Christian colonists were a model for the 19th Century Brits. Give us all your land and gold, then work and convert or die, muthafukahs.

C_R_Eature October 14, 2012 at 12:46 pm

“They were conquerors, and for that you want only brute force–nothing to boast of, when you have it, since your strength is just an accident arising from the weakness of others.”
― Joseph Conrad, Heart of Darkness

I'm re-reading this, for free,courtesy Google. A few things in this novel seem strangely appropriate, today.

Doktor Zoom October 14, 2012 at 1:35 pm

If you haven't read Adam Hochschild's King Leopold's Ghost: A Story of Greed, Terror, and Heroism in Colonial Africa, you need to rush out and get it. It's just brilliant.

I appear to have declared today Adam Hochschild Day at Wonkette.

C_R_Eature October 14, 2012 at 1:42 pm

That is now Officially On My List. Thanks! I am of the opinion that King Leopold II is the real reason why the word "Belgium" is the Rudest Word in the Universe.

I'm claiming Lifetime Education Credits for these Sunday posts.

viennawoods13 October 14, 2012 at 11:46 pm

What was done under that rule in the Congo is stunning, and not in a good way. And we western nations wonder why they are so fucked up there today.

BaldarTFlagass October 14, 2012 at 12:47 pm

Well, I ain't never been given a bible by no queen, but I did get a free Watchtower magazine from a Jehovah's Witness once.

LibertyLover October 14, 2012 at 1:40 pm

They didn't ask you for a donation?

Negropolis October 15, 2012 at 3:17 am

If a queen was handing out Bibles, I'd say that he better get his head checked.

Biff October 14, 2012 at 12:49 pm

They're baaaaackkkkkkkk…

Jukesgrrl October 14, 2012 at 5:53 pm

But they don't seem to be interested in Queen Victoria. Gay ducks on the other hand …

BaldarTFlagass October 14, 2012 at 12:51 pm

British Empire gave us Kenya, Kenya gave us Obama. Hooray British Empire!
Or did the writers of this book not see that?

Doktor Zoom October 14, 2012 at 1:36 pm

Well, it was published in 1997, so maybe the newer edition shakes a finger at the post-colonial Kenyans for that tragic error.

C_R_Eature October 14, 2012 at 1:37 pm

Which Finger would that be?

WhatTheHeck October 14, 2012 at 12:55 pm

Just wait until the Empire strikes back… for Jesus.

bikerlaureate October 14, 2012 at 3:56 pm

Search your heart – you know it to be true.

Blueb4sinrise October 14, 2012 at 12:59 pm

Anyway, the comment earlier that was deleted [doan know why] was a quote and wiki link to this anecdote…..

….her{Queen V} reputation suffered in an 1839 court intrigue when one of her mother's ladies-in-waiting, Lady Flora Hastings, developed an abdominal growth that was widely rumoured to be an out-of-wedlock pregnancy by Sir John Conroy. [Victoria believed the rumours.] She hated Conroy, and despised "that odious Lady Flora", because she had conspired with Conroy and the Duchess of Kent in the Kensington System. At first, Lady Flora refused to submit to a naked medical examination, until in mid-February she eventually agreed, and was found to be a virgin. Conroy, the Hastings family and the opposition Tories organised a press campaign implicating the Queen in the spreading of false rumours about Lady Flora. When Lady Flora died in July, the post-mortem revealed a large tumour on her liver that had distended her abdomen.

Geminisunmars October 14, 2012 at 3:09 pm

So Lady Flora won in the end.

Blueb4sinrise October 14, 2012 at 1:01 pm

The admin does not like the story of Queen V. and Lady Flora Hastings.

commiegirl99 October 14, 2012 at 1:36 pm

Hey gal, went back in and approved it. IntenseDebate is a clusterfuck. But if we switch comment systems, all old ones will disappear I think? :(

Blueb4sinrise October 14, 2012 at 2:29 pm

No problem. Thanks. Just wondered if I got on the list as Brazilian.

[also, for the record, am not vag-endowed, NTTAWWT]

Geminisunmars October 14, 2012 at 3:10 pm

So that means you haven't had a Brazillian?

Blueb4sinrise October 14, 2012 at 3:32 pm

More than a dozen though.

LibertyLover October 14, 2012 at 1:05 pm

The empire was a great benefit to Britain, and Britain was in many ways a great benefit to the lands in her dominion. While the colonies gave Britain wealth and power, Britain shared with the colonies her traditions of Christianity, technology, representative government, and reform. British colonial rule also established law and order throughout the realm and suspended much of the war and bloodshed that had raged between the various tribes and religious factions in Africa and Asia. In the process, the British effected great improvements in the livelihood of the native populations, such as better agriculture, education, hospitals, and industry

If one substitutes "Rome" for "Britain"…..

I wonder if they used this passage earlier when discussing the expansion of the Roman Empire? Especially their religious beliefs of many gods instead of monotheistic Christianity?

Hmmm.. Rome's empire declined after the introduction of Christianity. I wonder if Britain's empire declines as well? ;-)

SigDeFlyinMonky October 14, 2012 at 10:06 pm

What have the Romans ever done for us? Other than the roads, the aqueducts, the baths….

Doktor Zoom October 14, 2012 at 10:40 pm

Splitter!

LibertyLover October 14, 2012 at 11:33 pm

Lead poisoning?

viennawoods13 October 14, 2012 at 11:48 pm

Jesus. Britain kicked like a mule at giving the Canadian colonies responsible government in the 1830's.

SayItWithWookies October 14, 2012 at 1:07 pm

I won't miss it a bit, honey.

LibertyLover October 14, 2012 at 1:10 pm

Of the bloody “Sepoy Rebellion” of 1857…

That darn East India Trading Company just caused problems all over the world, didn't it?

WhatTheHeck October 14, 2012 at 1:27 pm

A privately run company establishing laws and administering the Crown’s affairs. Why, that sounds like certain corporations today.

shelwood46 October 14, 2012 at 1:12 pm

"Dark Continent" cannot possibly be racist because it was the name of the Busch Gardens theme park in Tampa until at least the '80s, when they stopped calling it that for absolutely no reason at all (copyright?).

PS Arlen Specter has died.

C_R_Eature October 14, 2012 at 1:25 pm
Doktor Zoom October 14, 2012 at 1:48 pm

The Freepers are having a RIP RINO party. Which at least beats the lemon kind.

Many, many jokes about how now that he's dead, he can vote twice for Obama.

C_R_Eature October 14, 2012 at 2:37 pm

Oh those emotionally stunted Child-People can go and fuck themselves. Seriously.

We even had a tiny moment of Snarklessness for Breitbart here, fer chrissakes.

Doktor Zoom October 14, 2012 at 3:19 pm

Well, maybe, if you count the 45 seconds it took to google for verified reports…

C_R_Eature October 14, 2012 at 3:37 pm

Well, I do have to admit that I was adding the day and a half that we were sorry for his family's loss to the picosecond of sadness we all spent on him.

Biff October 14, 2012 at 3:58 pm

Ronnie was a much better singer, anyway.

Chet Kincaid_ October 14, 2012 at 1:17 pm

Worst of all, British Victorian Imperialism led to this chirpy Prog abomination: http://vimeo.com/12042908
OK, I experimented for a couple of years in the '70s, but it was a youthful indiscretion!

viennawoods13 October 14, 2012 at 11:51 pm

Ewwww… is that a bulge in the pants of the guy on the left?

CrunchyKnee October 14, 2012 at 1:18 pm

Wait a sec, a monarchy is a representative government?

CrunchyKnee October 14, 2012 at 1:20 pm

Plus those rat bastards invented IPA – bleeech.

Doktor Zoom October 14, 2012 at 1:41 pm

Let's not fight over beer; as long as it's not mass-produced American swill, it's all good for what ales you. I'd hate for us to end up at lager-heads over this, so could we please just steer the conversation bock to politics?

(Obligatory old joke: How is mass-market beer like sex in a canoe? It's fucking close to water)

PubOption October 14, 2012 at 2:34 pm

To quote old 'Punch' cartoons…. collapse of stout party.

LibertyLover October 14, 2012 at 1:22 pm

People called it the “Dark Continent” because so little was known about the land and its people….

"Someone had to pick the cotton,
Someone had to pick the corn,
Someone had to slave and be able to sing,
That's why darkies were born."

[That's Why Darkies Were Born was a popular song written by Ray Henderson and Lew Brown from 1931. (The song was written as a satirical view of racism.)}

Doktor Zoom October 14, 2012 at 1:43 pm

And as both Rogers and Hammerstein AND the editors of this book know, You've Got To Be Carefully Taught.

SexySmurf October 14, 2012 at 1:33 pm

OT Atlas Shrugged: Part II opened this weekend landing at 12th place and grossing $1.7 million on more than 1000 screens. I'm looking forward to Jack Welch explaining how Nobama's BLS thugs were able to cook the box office.

glamourdammerung October 14, 2012 at 2:06 pm

In fairness, I can see why they would admire Victorian era Britain's behavior in Africa since they did come up with the concept of concentration camps.

But there was also all that socialisms since the gap between the rich and poor got bad enough that the government finally got involved in actually trying to help the poor because malnutrition severely impacted how many of the poors that could go off to fight (the Great Depression also being the reason why we started the free lunches in schools and other food programs here as well).

glasspusher October 14, 2012 at 2:34 pm

Needz moar Boer war

Jukesgrrl October 14, 2012 at 5:48 pm

Australia Forever, Amen.

MosesInvests October 14, 2012 at 11:55 pm

G'day, Bruce! Australia, Australia, Australia! We love thee, Amen.

vulpes82 October 14, 2012 at 3:03 pm

I think Disraeli, Gladstone, and all of Victoria's other Prime Ministers might raise a cool eyebrow at the idea that it was her awesome leadership that Made Britain Great. Though hardly uninvolved in politics, Victoria still was a figurehead for most British policy. They make it sound like she was that damn, dirty Papist Louis XIV!

They also seem to neglect that whole middle period of her reign where she was actually very unpopular, because she went into a decades-long depression after her husband died and she stopped being young and pretty and become middle-aged and dour. It wasn't until her Jubilees, and the sheer fact that she lived so damn long no one remembered another monarch, when the Warm Fuzzies set in.

And then of course there's the fact that it was her squabbling grandkids who pushed the continent into WWI, particularly the Kaiser who was always jealous of his British cousins because Grandma Vicky had always liked them best. Or her poor younger daughters who had to practically fling themselves off the battlements just to be able to marry instead of being their mother's unpaid secretaries/companions.

Also, too, her husband had a goddamn cock piercing! Don't tell me they didn't do kinky stuff with that!

glasspusher October 14, 2012 at 4:29 pm

What about teh buttsechs? Did she ever have Prince Albert in her can?

valdemar October 14, 2012 at 3:10 pm

Pity the poor Irish, who failed to benefit from Christianity or representative government, probably by being TOO CLOSE to Britain, in a sort of moth-flamey way.

GemlikeFlame October 14, 2012 at 3:31 pm

Ah, the Victorian era, famous for institutionalized hypocrisy and female orgasm by doctor's prescription only (unless you were Victoria herself and then you had the help of a Scotsman (aptly played by Billy Connolly) and your man-servant. Come to think of it, the fundies of today have a lot to like about the Golden Age, uppity black folk and women knew their place, and well, as long as you don't actually recognise hypocrisy then it doesn't exist.

The male role models of the era, Lords Raglan, Lucan, and Cardigan, who were primarily known for their snappy dress, were so incompetent that they actually tried to outdo each for immense flaming military disasters.

The parallels to the Bush era are palpable. Brownie, you're doing a heckuva job.

tessiee October 14, 2012 at 5:54 pm

"female orgasm by doctor's prescription only"

On the plus side, this did lead to the invention of the vibrator.
Dr: Jeez, there must be eight of nine of them in the waiting room, and I've got a golf game at 2:00! What to do, what to do?

GemlikeFlame October 15, 2012 at 12:03 am

Why, invent the assembly line, of course.

VaWyo October 15, 2012 at 1:37 pm

A steam powered vibrator. Imagine the power it had….

Negropolis October 15, 2012 at 3:23 am

The parallels to the Bush era are palpable. Brownie, you're doing a heckuva job.

That was excellent, most excellent.

VaWyo October 15, 2012 at 1:38 pm

I think I now understand the problem with republican women. They have hysteria from a lack or orgasms.

schvitzatura October 18, 2012 at 4:56 am

Crimea, Isandlwana, and Mafeking LIBELSSSS!11!!!

Relief of Mafeking gave us the hero Bob Baden-Powell, Scouting, and more British-inspire buggery…

decentcitizen October 14, 2012 at 4:02 pm

With all these selfless charitable works, it's a wonder the robber barons made any money at all.

VinnyThePooh October 14, 2012 at 4:21 pm

Never before in history had so many people done so much for others. The Victorians’ acts of benevolence were freely performed, compelled by the inner sense of duty and the love for mankind that come from obedience to Scriptural truth.

Like they had a choice. It's called survival. Socialism in modern America.

tessiee October 14, 2012 at 5:45 pm

"Victoria spoke for the nation in her reply to a visiting African prince who asked her the secret of England’s success. Victoria did not take him to see the glittering crown jewels, or to observe the great industrial cities at work, or to hear the brilliant orators who debated in Parliament. Instead, she presented the prince with a Bible, and said, “Here is the secret of England’s greatness.”

Unfortunately, after the African prince returned to his home country, he sent Victoria a letter saying that he needed her help in a business matter, and requesting the locations of the Royal Treasury.

Negropolis October 15, 2012 at 3:24 am

Ah, yes, a Nigerian prince of sorts…

Jukesgrrl October 14, 2012 at 5:52 pm

Ahh, a last we know where Arkansas Republican state representative Jon Micheal Hubbard, who claims that slavery was “a blessing in disguise” for African-Americans, learned his history. Thanks, Dok.

Identity_Crisis October 14, 2012 at 5:55 pm

Queen Victoria: carried a gun, used cannabis and had a bunch of kids with some German fetishist.

Rotundo_ October 14, 2012 at 6:43 pm

I think if Lizzie Deuce had smoked a few and married better than the loathsome toad she did (perhaps a German fetishist would have been better) things might have come out better. Having her packing heat would probably be a definite no-no since she would have capped Diana in a heartbeat.

vulpes82 October 14, 2012 at 8:41 pm

I actually admire Lizzy II, Immortal God-Empress of Albion and Undying Sovereign of the Lizard People, but that pick of husband sure wasn't her best. And that definitely was her choice; the Court didn't much care for the marriage. But, then, she was very young, and he really was incredibly hot, and divorce was never the option for her it was for her kids.

VaWyo October 15, 2012 at 1:40 pm

And the German carried over that Pagan tradition of the Christmas tree.

FeloniousMonk October 14, 2012 at 8:43 pm

Really fine work, Doktor, sourcing the African prince. And bonus points for finding Brits debunking Brits. (Bows low.)

While the authors were singing the praises of the Empire, why didn't they mention the main benefit to the heathens? We gave them games at which they could consistently kick our arses later on.

Doktor Zoom October 14, 2012 at 10:39 pm

Actually, I found it pretty much within a few minutes on the Googles, just searching the alleged quote(s). But thanks!

viennawoods13 October 14, 2012 at 11:15 pm

Saw a pin on pinterest that made my toes curls… "Use the Bible as your main text for home schooling!" Ye gods. Those poor children.

LotsOfRats October 15, 2012 at 1:31 am

Is there any mention of the benefits of the opium brought by England to Asia? 'Cause you know what's the real opiate of the masses? Opium.

Negropolis October 15, 2012 at 2:38 am

Both stories have enough holes to fill the Albert Hall

Nice. Nice.

BTW, this belief…

Believing that the main problem of London’s poor was not their destitute environment but rather their sinful hearts…

…is still very much alive and well here in America. If anyone ever ask you why such a large contingent of those in poverty will never vote Republican, just point them to the belief that it seems to be the underlying belief of the party that poverty is the result of sin, and that wealth – by itself – is the mark of moral superiority. To couch such things in purely moral terms is as disgusting as it it false. It's why I could never vote for this iteration of the GOP. Until they change this deeply-held and absolutely flawed belief they are as good as dead to me.

ttommyunger October 15, 2012 at 9:28 am

Odd, in my Bible the Chosen People were commanded to slay their conquered peoples, not enslave or exploit them. Of course, they didn't, being lazy assholes; so they are paying the afore-promised price to this day.

C_R_Eature October 14, 2012 at 1:27 pm

That was Honduras, but it all looks like South America from the USA so the Judges will accept this!

Biff October 14, 2012 at 3:45 pm

I was Team Bonzo even before that!

Geminisunmars October 14, 2012 at 3:51 pm

Well I ran contra to his acting abilities from the beginning!

Biff October 14, 2012 at 4:06 pm

translate.google.comAnd we'll get a chance to use it, here they are again!

glasspusher October 14, 2012 at 4:19 pm

You shattered my image of you! Oh well.

glamourdammerung October 14, 2012 at 4:29 pm

I think a lot of us were feeling sorry for Breitbart's family for a long time now.

C_R_Eature October 14, 2012 at 5:40 pm

Well, now that is true. You can't choose your relatives, after all.

Doktor Zoom October 14, 2012 at 6:06 pm

Yeah, well I remember being in one of the concentration camps he remembered filming the liberation of!

Geminisunmars October 14, 2012 at 6:18 pm

Was that during the Boer War?

Negropolis October 15, 2012 at 9:45 pm

What a pity that we miss out on a game that can lasts for days at a time. lol And, many of us think baseball is boring and/or unnecessarily long.

sullivanst October 16, 2012 at 10:35 am

There's two great things about the length of a test cricket match. One is that you don't have to watch every minute (I don't think anyone watches every minute, even the commentators work shifts). The other is that it allows for a battle of wills that's unlike anything else you'll see in sports.

Willardbot9000_V2.5 October 16, 2012 at 10:57 pm

Ah, very good to remind me…I just assumed since these assholes are universally Ameri-centric that every part of world history from 1492 on would answer two questions, 1) was fundamentalist Jesus paid homage and 2) what does it have to do with the US. Which thus far from what I've read seems pretty much what those textbooks accomplish.

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