patented management techniques

Romney Talks War Stuff Without Actually Promising More Wars, What A Wuss

Leadership up your buttholeOh, boy, a Republican presidential candidate just went to give a “major foreign policy address” to a military academy, which as we all know means a whole lot of highly explosive murder-death, for freedom, right? Well, sorry carnage lovers, your 2012 GOP nominee isn’t the sort of guy who, say, makes up comical “Weird” Al-style song spoofs about dropping bombs on other countries and killing tens of thousands of people. Nope! You’re stuck with Mitt Romney, who comes from a modern-day executive class that believes the answer to everything is “leadership,” and that you can learn “leadership” by reading the executive summaries of all the terrible business books with “leadership” in the title, and that liberal weenies who’ve never run a business don’t understand “leadership,” and that what the world wants is more American “leadership,” from a real “leader,” Mitt Romney. “Fuck this noise,” you’re saying, “Who will America bomb, under President Romney? WHO?” Details after the jump, but … maybe nobody? BOOO.

So go ahead and read all five pages of Mitt’s remarks to VMI if you hate yourself, but trust us when tell you that here are all the specific things Romney promises to do to and/or with foreigners (vague hand-wavey bullshit about “leadership” and “clarity” and “helping promote freedom” and whatever excepted):

  • Iran’s leaders will be put “on notice” about nukes! There will be new sanctions, and tighter old sanctions! And aircraft carriers will be moved closer to Iran!
  • America will be even better friends with Israel, and “deepen our critical cooperation” with our “partners in the Gulf,” bleah, that was kind of hand-wavey bullshit, wasn’t it, but we are assuming this all means arms sales.
  • He’ll get rid of “Obama’s” cuts to the military, by which he means the “sequestering” cuts that Congress agreed to in its debt ceiling suicide pact a couple years back.
  • More boats! 15 more boats a year for the Navy, hooray!
  • Vladimir Putin is a jerk, so we’re going to build some sweet-ass missile defense systems. Also, we will make everyone else in NATO spend more on their military, somehow.
  • America will only give foreign aid to countries that “meet the responsibilities of every decent modern government — to respect the rights of all of their citizens, including women and minorities … to ensure space for civil society, a free media, political parties, and an independent judiciary,” which is something every single president says he’ll do until he suddenly realizes that he very much needs something that a minor-league despot has, a discovery that generally occurs around day three of every administration. Egypt in particular doesn’t get money unless it plays nice.
  • Speaking of things every president says, despite what you might have heard, Mitt Romney is totally going to figure out a two-state solution to the Israeli-Palestinian conflict. “In this old conflict … only a new President will bring the chance to begin anew,” Romney said, and everyone who has ever been a new President since 1948 laughed at him, from the special Presidents Only room in hell.

  • Free trade agreements! We’ll sign a bunch.
  • We’re 100% going to sell some guns and shit to “those members of the [Syrian] opposition who share our values.” We’re sure they’ll be easy to find! Remember those Afghan mujahideen, and how they shared our values in the fight against Communism, so we sold them a bunch of weapons? That went great.
  • And speak of the devil, what about the war we’re actually fighting, in Afghanistan? Mitt Romney will “pursue a real and successful transition to Afghan security forces by the end of 2014,” but then right after that he says that Obama’s promise to do the same thing is just a “politically timed retreat.” But when Romney does it, it will be leadership, and also he won’t do it if the generals tell him not to. Still, he’ll probably be able to do it on his schedule, because he’ll win the war, because, once again, leadership.

So there you have it: it’s like he barely wants to bomb anybody at all! Just maybe sail some boats at people and sell guns to some other people. Still, at least one American hero was so deeply moved by the speech that he felt compelled to type into his Twitter machine, while standing up at his desk:

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Rummy knows the score

Donald Rumsfeld will now only endorse people or policies in ways that direct pageviews to places where he can advertise his cleverly titled book. [WP]

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About the author

Josh was born and raised in Buffalo, New York, leaving him with a love of chicken wings and a tendency to say “pop”. He taught ancient Greek and Roman history to undergraduates before fleeing from academia in terror; worked for a failed San Francisco dot-com that neglected to supply him with stock options or an Aeron chair; lived in Berlin, where he mostly ate Indian and Ethiopian food; finished in third place on his sole Jeopardy! appearance (the correct answer was “Golda Meir”); and was named 2007 Blogger of the Year by The Week, for obvious reasons. Josh is the creator/editor of COMICS CURMUDGEON (which you should read) and does geeky editing and writing about geeky things such as "the Java programming industry for JavaWorld." He lives in Baltimore with his wife Amber and his cat Hoagie.

View all articles by Josh Fruhlinger

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157 comments

  1. hagajim

    So what Mitt really can't do is commit to any one path, because that might just make it hard for him to reverse course – wait, he does that daily. Oh well. So we buttsex Israel and blow (up) Iran. Sounds like a top action movie.

    1. DWW

      " America will only give foreign aid to countries that “meet the responsibilities of every decent modern government — to respect the rights of all of their citizens, including women and minorities … to ensure space for civil society, a free media, political parties, and an independent judiciary,” which is something every single president says he’ll do until he suddenly realizes that he very much needs something that a minor-league despot has, a discovery that generally occurs around day three of every administration. Egypt in particular doesn’t get money unless it plays nice. "

      Like Saudi Arabia and Bahrain.

    1. BadKitty904

      Well, none of *his* kids, grandkids, nephews, or nieces are certainly going to be shot at, sooo…

  2. emmelemm

    countries that meet the responsibilities of every decent modern government — to respect the rights of all of their citizens, including women and minorities … to ensure space for civil society, a free media, political parties, and an independent judiciary

    The irony is so thick you have to cut it with a chainsaw.

    1. Negropolis

      That's right; he's going to give Iran the what-for, I tells ya'! And the after that *bang* a proper "why I oughtta'" with a finger wag.

  3. barto

    "only give foreign aid to countries that “meet the responsibilities of every decent modern government — to respect the rights of all of their citizens, including women and minorities … to ensure space for civil society, a free media, political parties, and an independent judiciary"

    Hah! No fern aid for you, Merka!

      1. sbj1964

        Mittens is nothing but a coward,and a bully who uses his wealth to hold down others.He seeks to be the President of the 1% those who would rule over the many to line their pockets with the sweat,and toil of the middle class.He must not be elected to fulfill the GOP agenda of keeping people in America subservient to corporate greed.We as Americans will never become the serfs to his new aristocracy!Viva the 99%!

        1. Geminisunmars

          Hmmm. No offense dear sbj, I was responding to the grammar rather than the context. I agree with your context totally. I make my share of typos too, so I'm usually not too critical, but I'd noticed the same error in a couple of your postings yesterday, and couldn't help myself. In this context the word should have been “their”. “They're” is a contraction of “they are”. These are also commonly confused with “there”, too. Please forgive my lapse into pickiness. Yours in Wonkettude — Geminisunmars.

  4. snowpointsecret

    So basically Romney is using the Stephen Colbert policy position on Iran. If you put them on a big board on national TV they'll surely right their ways! It worked for bears!

  5. PuckStopsHere

    He plans to pay for the restoration of cuts in military spending with a 5 trillion dollar tax cut, I hear.

  6. edgydrifter

    I'm really looking forward to the photos that will surface in twenty years of Mitt nervously clutching the palm of some "friend of America" who will eventually turn around and shoot us with our own guns. Leadership!

    1. tessiee

      Although I do like the picture of Rumfilled and Saddam Hussein sharing a milkshake with two straws.

  7. new_pic_for_NEWTer

    …respect the rights of all of their citizens, including women and minorities … to ensure space for civil society, a free media, political parties, and an independent judiciary,”
    So the Republicunt's vision of America would not be eligible for foreign aid from themselves? I has a confuze…

  8. Dudleydidwrong

    He's out-Nixoning Nixon. Tricky Dick only had a secret plan to end the Vietnam War, a plan that was so secret even he didn't know it, nor did anyone else. Tricky Mitt has a secret plan to end every crisis, problem, and issue in the known world. Mitt, your holy underwear is too tight in the crotch.

  9. Biel_ze_Bubba

    Well, I'm very pleased to know he's gonna send aid to countries that "respect the rights of all of their citizens, including women and minorities … to ensure space for civil society, a free media, political parties, and an independent judiciary."

    Because I'm probably going to want to move to one of them, if the Republicans get their way in this country.

    1. anniegetyerfun

      Haha, no. He didn't say that we were going to follow the example that we want other countries to set if they want our monies!

  10. SmutBoffin

    "The wars of the future will not be fought on the battlefield or at sea. They will be fought in space, or possibly on top of a very tall mountain. In either case, most of the actual fighting will be done by small robots. And as you go forth today remember always your duty is clear: To build and maintain those robots. "

    1. SmutBoffin

      And then use a hinky amortization scheme to extract value from the depreciation of said stick, push that into a balance sheet further down the road, pay some executive bonuses, declare bankruptcy, and then eventually run the stick for president.

      LEEDARSHIP

  11. decentcitizen

    I see that Mitt is sticking to his practice of being as vague as possible while still employing language. It's almost as if he fears that if he discussed particulars people would realize how truly clueless he is.

  12. Dr. Nick Riviera

    Only foreight aid for "countries that meet the responsibilities of every decent modern government — to respect the rights of all of their citizens, including women and minorities … to ensure space for civil society, a free media, political parties, and an independent judiciary "

    And this is why no social security or healthcare for YOU, America!

  13. Generation[redacted]

    And aircraft carriers will be moved closer to Iran!

    What a wimp. I'd move the aircraft carriers so close to Iran they'd get stuck on the beach! Yeah, who's the tough guy now, huh?

    1. Pithaughn

      I'm guessing the aircraft carriers could be with in a 1000 miles of Iran and be just as effective. When a plane is flying at 1000 mph or knots per hour it don't take long to get somewhere. And besides, don't we have a new strategic partner right in Iran's asshole now? I think it is spelled almost exactly the same as Iran.

  14. GregComlish

    15 boats a year? That's not enough! We demand more asbestos, more asbestos, more asbestos!

  15. no_gravity

    sweet-ass missile defense systems

    Can you say StarWars Defense Initiative? I knew you could.

  16. coolhandnuke

    Way to chime in there Rummy. You are the Great American Spectator. It escapes me at the moment, but remind me again who killed Bin Laden.

  17. Goonemeritus

    I vote almost exclusively on my read of a candidate’s ability to fuck up foreign policy as little as possible. I pulled the lever for Barry last time and I will again, the world doesn’t need the hassle.

    1. WhatTheHeck

      Quick, get this Romney dude some foreign policy experience. Send him to speak to a Chamber of commerce group in Singapore. It worked for sarah Palin.

  18. Mittens Howell, III

    I'm beginning to think Romney passed up the etch-a-sketch and went for the fun-house mirror instead.

  19. sullivanst

    Mitt's "new" foreign policy is that the guy doing all the same things we're already doing will be white.

    1. tessiee

      You don't fuckin' say.
      That's also his new domestic policy, his new health care policy, etc. etc.

  20. owhatever

    Five million young Mormon men will be hired by the Defense Department to convert the heathen A-rabs through enhanced baptism techniques and full frontal nudity. Five million more new jobs right there. While they are overseas for the duration, old men will marry their girlfriends.

    1. Generation[redacted]

      His sons could best serve the country by profiting heavily in the arms industry, possibly through leveraged equity funds.

    2. Native_of_SL_UT

      They all better be signing up for the Navy because we're going to need a shitload more guys for all them new boats.

  21. Native_of_SL_UT

    He’ll get rid of “Obama’s” cuts to the military,

    You know, that Simpson-Bowles thingy isn't a carton of milk. It didn't have an expiration date. You could insist the dumbass members of your party actually try and vote for the damn thing anytime now, Mitt.

  22. Mittens Howell, III

    Known knowns: Donald Rumsfeld has fried eggs for brains.

    Known unknowns: Mitt Romney knows dick.

    1. WhaleChowder

      Unknown Unknowns: how many sloppy BJs Mitt had to hire someone to deliver to Rummy to get that endorsement.

  23. BaldarTFlagass

    "He’ll get rid of “Obama’s” cuts to the military"

    He'll be able to afford to, at least, after he gets rid of Sesame Street.

  24. TootsStansbury

    Who ever built that thing made a big mistake allowing "words" to come out of its nutrient intake portal.

  25. Cognitive Dissident

    Playbook: Just say words that sound nice to conservative ears. Do not specify anything that might give you opponent something to work with… e.g. details, plans, policy views, etc.

  26. UnholyMoses

    Slightly edited — and a lot more accurate — Mitt:

    "We will only provide foreign aid to nation who meet the responsibilities of every decent modern government — to respect the rights of all of their citizens, including women and minorities, but not poor minorities, or women who have been raped [legitimately or otherwise] or been victims of incest—those groups are on their own! And … to ensure space for civil society in which we all agree that liberals are evil haters of America, a free media that never fact checks anything I say because I am rich and white and, thus, allowed to lie whenever the hell I want to, political parties (which means "Parties at which rich people give money to a political person, like me!), and an independent judiciary that rules exactly like Antonin Scalia."

  27. kittensdontlie

    My greatest wish is that whatever Rumsfeld 'knows', would remain unknown,…and sit-down already!!

  28. Schmannnity

    He forgot to mention mounting Phalanx guns on embassy walls so we can mow down protestors at a rate of 4,500 rounds per minute.

  29. deliman4

    Having Rumsfeld endorsing you is like getting mouth to mouth resuscitation from Hannibal Lecter,there's a small chance he might save you,there's a bigger chance he'll rip your face off!!

  30. MinAgain

    And after all the former presidents stopped laughing at Mitt, the former secretaries of defense started laying bets with Hell's bookie on the date of Armageddon.

  31. Jus_Wonderin

    There is a part of me that would love to see that asshole deal with foreign affairs. That same part of me shivers in the closet under the stairs as it did when confronted with a possible Palin Veep reality.

  32. SexySmurf

    Iran’s leaders will be put “on notice” about nukes!

    If they don't apologize for their transgression within 60 days, Mittens will move them to the "Dead to Me" board.

    1. tessiee

      And then, if they try to talk to him, he'll look around the room and go, "What was that? Did someone speak? I didn't hear anything, did you?"

    1. BadKitty904

      You laugh, but…

      "You should shudder, brethren, you should shudder at raising a violent hand against Christians; it is less wicked to brandish your sword against Saracens. This is the only warfare that is righteous!"

      ~ Pope Urban II, at the Council of Clermont, 1095, in his speech which began the First Crusade…

      1. Biel_ze_Bubba

        Same guy who decided priests had to be celibate, after a mere thousand years of letting them be normal human beings. One of history's "10 Most Fun-Loving Leaders."

  33. BlueStateLibel

    Brought to by the same people who screwed up Afghanistan and Iraq, and didn't get Osama bin Laden. Also brought to you by the guy who managed to piss off Great Britain within half a day of landing there.

    1. BadKitty904

      It's a pity Leslie Nielsen just passed away. He'd be a shoo-in as the lead in a Romeny bio-pic…

  34. Radiotherapy

    Cut taxes 20%, non-progressively, across the board and increase military spending, what could go wrong?

  35. tessiee

    Leadership… scrawk… leadership, leadership… scrawk, tweet… leadership… Polly wants a cracker…

  36. tessiee

    "Iran’s leaders will be put “on notice” about nukes!"

    This is why they don't let Mitt talk much.
    When they're not forcibly holding their hands over his mouth, stuff like that comes out of it.
    Also, 47%, and such.

  37. Beowoof

    I think we should make sure Rmoney sends his kids off to fight any war he wants to start. He says they are lying bastards so some time fighting war will help them grow up.

  38. tessiee

    Mitt needs to stop spending his weekends watching Bruce Campbell movie marathons; the resemblance is only superficial.

  39. Come here a minute

    All troops in Afghanistan will not be returned home at the end of 2014; instead they'll be transitioned to missionary duty.

    1. BadKitty904

      Based on personal experience, it's been a while since some of those boys have been in a missionary position, anyways…

  40. anniegetyerfun

    Oh, fuck. I had no idea that Romney had such a trustworthy, reliable ally as Donal Rumsfeld. He's got my vote now.

    1. sullivanst

      With Mitt there are so many known unknowns: we know we don't know which tax deductions he'll eliminate, we know we don't know how badly he'll blow up the deficit, we know we don't know what his health policy will be, we know we don't know what his immigration policy will be, we know we don't know how quickly he'll have us in a shooting war with Iran, we know we don't know what's in his damn tax returns.

      And if you think all that's scary, just ask yourself, what don't we know we don't know about Mitt?

  41. SmutBoffin

    I eagerly await the Romney admin's instructions to NASA, as well: begin planning a manned mission to Kolob.

  42. Generation[redacted]

    To back up his tough words with China, Romney will order the U.S.S. San Pablo to sail up the Yangtze River to rescue the missionaries.

  43. fawkedifiknow

    Don Rumsfeld endorses him? Why don't they just cut to the chase and have Cheney and Bush endorse him, so that his fucking campaign sinks that much faster?

  44. smashedinhat

    Fuck me. I go for a six pack/bucket of chicken and the Wonkette orgasms all over my internet window.

  45. WhatTheHeck

    His foreign experience stems from visiting his sacks of gold in a few foreign countries and speaking to the bank managers in those countries.

  46. BartStarrland

    C'mon, lighten up. We all had to write that high school American Government class essay on "America, Good or Bad?" This one is B- at worst.

  47. LibrarianX

    Was waiting for Mitt to give Iran a 'time out." Also to promise ALL of our money to Israel.

  48. cybermoe

    "It is easier to get into something than to get out of it." ~ Donald Rumsfeld

    Like get one's head out of one's ass.

  49. Smithboy

    Romney when he becomes president will be known as Bibi's Boy!

    Don't you love these good God-fearin' men like Bush, chosen person Netanyahu and Mitt Romney who tell you how much their faith means to them. They wax eloquently about how God loves America and Israel…. and in the next breath talk glowingly about their desire to kill people they don't like.

  50. Generation[redacted]

    Rumsfeld hasn't offered such enthusiastic support for a political leader since Saddam Hussein.

  51. decentcitizen

    Rumsfeld's endorsement would be the kiss of death to any thinking voter. But it will appeal to those who think victory in our two wars of record is just around the corner -six months tops.

  52. Negropolis

    How could we possibly get any closer to Israel? I mean, we're already fuck-buddies. How much more do they want? Do they want us to put a ring on it?

  53. Negropolis

    BTW, what's all this "leading from behind" bullshit? You ask Bin Laden, and K-Daffy, and Al-Awaki, and etc…about Obama "leading from behind", m'kay?

    Fuck Donnie Rumsfeld with a bunker-buster bomb…and votes.

  54. ttommyunger

    I had a Platoon Leader Second Louie from VMI who was so fucking stupid he couldn't find a bale of hay in a telephone booth. In short, they probably ate Mittens up with with a spoon.

  55. Porter Melmoth

    You critics just don't understand couture power politics! When a leader offers up a 1%-approved boutique of designer-crafted policy, it just shows how gauche most Americans have become. I mean, which would you rather have, a dainty, gloved-hand approach, or a brutish, icky bludgeoning by the great unwashed?

    It's just Mitt's wit in action!

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