AMERICA'S WANG WE LOVE YOU  3:15 pm October 4, 2012

Florida Politicians Sure Do Love Paying For Sex

by Josh Fruhlinger

Sad politicians did not get the fairy taleHow many elected officials in the state of Florida have to be discovered on a list of clients at a brothel before Your Wonkette deigns to write about it? One? Two? Three? Oh, no, wait, we guess it’s only two. So, noted central Florida pimp Mark David Risner, what sort of politicians did you lure to the “sex room” in your house, for paid sex? A state representative and “rising GOP star,” plus a comically titled “vice mayor”? And they paid you $200 an hour, which last we checked the exchange rate was about two and a half whore diamonds? Nice work!

Definitely the more comical of the two shamed politicians is Mike Horner, who’s been a member of the state legislature for two terms but abruptly quit his re-election campaign when his whoring ways were revealed. He’s funniest because the “Mike” listed on Risner’s pimp-list had his profession noted as “Congressman,” which, ha ha, it’s great to be aspirational and visualize your goals à la The Secret and all, but maybe this isn’t the appropriate venue? Anyway, authorities were able to determine that Congressman Mike was Mike Horner because there was also a phone number on this list, and when they called it they reached Mike Horner’s re-election campaign, which is probably an illegal use of campaign resources, in addition to the other kinds of illegal that it is.

Mike Horner has a wife and young son, ugh, and he has resigned in disgrace.

Meanwhile, Phil Bonus, who is the “Vice” Mayor of Maitland (which is funny because “vice” means “assistant” but also “sex crimes”), was also on the list, but he says that his wife and children already forgave him, like, years ago, and so he’s not going to quit. Other indications that Bonus is a real prize are a pending DUI charge plus a crusade to cut off city funding to the local arts center. Maybe the arts center will let people fuck it for money! That sounds like a market-based solution.

Anyway, nobody is planning on attempting to prosecute these gentlemen and their wives are still married to them, which is gross. FUN THOUGHT EXPERIMENT: If two elected officials were caught selling sex — which, like buying sex, is a crime — do you think they would be prosecuted, for crimes?

This pimp’s sexy list also includes another unidentified “Congressman” from the “West coast of Florida,” so feel free to speculate wildly about that. [Orlando Sentinel/Orlando Sentinel]

 

Hola wonkerados.

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{ 119 comments }

ChillBill October 4, 2012 at 3:16 pm

Who's the big-haired woman next to Scott Brown?

actor212 October 4, 2012 at 3:18 pm

Either the chick from the Joradche commercial, or Rafalca

ChillBill October 4, 2012 at 3:25 pm

SJP played both (sorry, I couldn't resist).

actor212 October 4, 2012 at 3:30 pm

Na-a-a-a-a-ayyyyyyyyyy!

coolhandnuke October 4, 2012 at 3:29 pm

The star of Star 80's star pony.

Lascauxcaveman October 4, 2012 at 4:11 pm

Either Erin Brockovich or Tinkerbell; I'm not quite sure.

But beats me why two classy broads like that would ever want to be seen in the presence of that Masshole.

TribecaMike October 4, 2012 at 4:13 pm

Paulie's sister.

Negropolis October 4, 2012 at 11:00 pm

You are really flattering Scott Brown.

actor212 October 4, 2012 at 3:18 pm

I'm listed in four little black books.

I can haz council seat now?

coolhandnuke October 4, 2012 at 3:53 pm

Yes, I believe there is an empty seat waiting for Chairman Meow (your avatar).

actor212 October 4, 2012 at 3:55 pm

Oh, you mean Rahmbo?

mrpuma2u October 4, 2012 at 5:24 pm

You couldn't be any worse than these nimrods. Go for it.

actor212 October 4, 2012 at 3:19 pm

Maybe the arts center will let people fuck it for money!

Dibs on the Dali exhibit!

cousinitt October 4, 2012 at 3:55 pm

Sure their style isn't more LeRoy Neiman? I mean, we're talking Orlando here.

Lascauxcaveman October 4, 2012 at 4:15 pm

I'll take the Frida Kahlos (as portrayed by Salma Hayek.)

Advn2rgirl October 4, 2012 at 5:59 pm

You sure you want the soft clocks? Oh….nevermind.

YouBetcha October 4, 2012 at 3:21 pm

Florida, America's Wang.

coolhandnuke October 4, 2012 at 3:22 pm

Hoping Dexter is on that client list.

BornInATrailer October 4, 2012 at 3:26 pm

Splatter specialist.

coolhandnuke October 4, 2012 at 3:39 pm

Rule #5 in the Code of Harry–Control urges, and channel them.

BornInATrailer October 4, 2012 at 3:49 pm

You should see what he keeps in that roll-up leather tool pouch..

LibertyLover October 4, 2012 at 3:22 pm

If two elected officials were caught selling sex…

But don't they do this every day as an elected official?

BornInATrailer October 4, 2012 at 3:22 pm

Given there is 1 strip club for roughly every 10 Florida residents, this really shouldn't be surprising.

Pragmatist2 October 4, 2012 at 8:05 pm

If you subtract the people who work in those strip clubs, it is one for every 7.

docterry6973 October 4, 2012 at 3:22 pm

It's true I sometimes tell people that I am a Congressman from the West coast of Florida, but it almost certainly is not my name on that list.

JustPixelz October 4, 2012 at 3:23 pm

hee hee. you said Bonus. hee hee. you said Horner.

fartknocker October 4, 2012 at 3:23 pm

He should retain Todd Akins as his PR specialist.

OkieDokieDog October 4, 2012 at 3:24 pm

IOKIYAR with the cry, say Jeebus forgive me for letting those ebil debil wimmen entice me with their wicked charms three times and wah-la! All is forgiven. Works for baptist preachers; also too.

Guppy October 4, 2012 at 7:06 pm

Actually, the GOP can get away with punishing these two. There is no shortage of Republican state legislators in Florida.

unclejeems October 5, 2012 at 3:14 am

I can see why. Great benefits.

One_who_wanders October 4, 2012 at 3:24 pm

Bonus scandal!

Lionel[redacted]Esq October 4, 2012 at 3:24 pm

No one ever invites me to their sex room. Sigh.

emmelemm October 4, 2012 at 3:49 pm

You have to pony up the money first, duh.

Lionel[redacted]Esq October 4, 2012 at 3:50 pm

What's the current rate?

Yellerdawg October 4, 2012 at 4:35 pm

My sex room blew up.

Lionel[redacted]Esq October 4, 2012 at 6:38 pm

Over inflated the dolls?

Negropolis October 4, 2012 at 11:08 pm

Well, if you pay for the champagne room, there are ways to make this happen.

ManchuCandidate October 4, 2012 at 3:24 pm

I didn't realize that the awful Demi Moore film "StripTease" was actually a documentary.

Pithaughn October 4, 2012 at 3:33 pm

Well the original novel was most certainly based on true Florida history. Carl Hiaasen is pretty much on the money most of the time. And funny!

dr_giraud October 5, 2012 at 2:21 pm

There's one good joke in that movie, the stripper who calls herself "Ariel Sharon."

BornInATrailer October 4, 2012 at 3:25 pm

Wait, Horner and Bonus? Yeah, yeah… pull the other leg, comic-man.

actor212 October 4, 2012 at 3:29 pm

I posted this and another story in Wonkville about another Republican named Johnson and how he was all over the hookers at a fundraiser

It's FLORIDA, man! It could happen!

Barrelhse October 4, 2012 at 5:52 pm

The other leg? Johnson, in the middle?

DerrickWildcat October 4, 2012 at 3:26 pm

Mike Horner was a pretty good actor.

Barrelhse October 4, 2012 at 5:53 pm

Yeah. I really liked Sea Hunt.

GortRay October 4, 2012 at 3:27 pm

Oh Jeebus forgive me! I swear to you oh mighty Lord, I just put the tip in…just the tip! How can a man resist a woman in cut off jeans and shiny stockings?

Goonemeritus October 4, 2012 at 3:27 pm

Any state where 50% of small business is either a pawn shop or nudie bar isn’t going to live up to Wonkette’s famous puritanical world view.

Edit– Most of the remaining 50% are “pain management clinics”.

no_gravity October 4, 2012 at 3:40 pm

Lush Rimjob accounts for 50% of the oxy trade alone.

Goonemeritus October 4, 2012 at 3:45 pm

Best I can tell the average Floridian starts his day going to the pain clinic because of the sore back he got pawning his TV to raise money to stuff in a strangers G-string.

Negropolis October 4, 2012 at 11:10 pm

We've got pain management clinics here in Michigan, too. The difference is that we call them dispensaries, and the side effects are WAY better.

Low_Budget_Dave October 7, 2012 at 6:05 am

You forgot "tattoo parlor" and "apparently illegal lawn service business".

MissTaken October 4, 2012 at 3:27 pm

The poor Vice Mayor just had a Bonus Boner and needed to put it to good use.

Barrelhse October 4, 2012 at 5:56 pm

Maybe he could just slam the window on it next time?

no_gravity October 4, 2012 at 3:29 pm

another unidentified “Congressman” from the “West coast of Florida,”

Senile Congressman Bill Young whose house was broken into by prostitutes that left a ring bearer pillow?

Baconzgood October 4, 2012 at 3:29 pm

Tee-Hee

"Fill Boner"

SorosBot October 4, 2012 at 3:32 pm

"This pimp’s sexy list also includes another unidentified “Congressman” from the “West coast of Florida,"

Please be Allen West oh please.

no_gravity October 4, 2012 at 3:33 pm

Unfortunately, he's East coast.

ThankYouJeebus October 4, 2012 at 3:37 pm

His wife is porny enough, thank you very much.

Ruhe October 4, 2012 at 3:42 pm

Yes, this story needs more federal star power to be really interesting. After all, Cocktober is a "National" holiday.

Tundra Grifter October 4, 2012 at 6:12 pm

SB:

So, there's one "West Coast Congressman" on the roster. How many are going to go home, confess to their wives and kids, and then discover down the road that it was somebody else on the list?

Confess or modified limited hang out? That question is tougher than a $2 steak…

ThankYouJeebus October 4, 2012 at 3:34 pm

Florida is shaped like a penis, Utah is shaped like a square. That explains Mitt.

actor212 October 4, 2012 at 3:37 pm

Here's the problem with Florida.

The Bahamas aren't shaped like a vagina

Ruhe October 4, 2012 at 3:43 pm

Florida is motorboating the Bahamas?

cousinitt October 4, 2012 at 4:07 pm

Looks to me like Florida already did–and the Keys got dribbled out.

SavageDrummer October 4, 2012 at 9:05 pm

That would be New Zealand…

fuflans October 4, 2012 at 3:35 pm

wait! these are republicans? with girls?

this is not the cocktober we've been promised.

NYNYNYjr October 4, 2012 at 9:33 pm

I know, Republicans, in FLORIDA, with girls. I assume if you look into it the girls were under 16.

Low_Budget_Dave October 7, 2012 at 6:17 am

The Vice Mayor may or may not be a Republican. (Maitland offices are non-affiliated). Since he in on the Chamber, we assume he is a Republican. But since the prosti-Americans were female, we might assume he was a Democrat.

On the other hand, Maitland is so Republican that a guy can be considered a Ayn-Rand-type superhero for standing up to the Art Center…

Allmighty_Manos October 4, 2012 at 3:36 pm

In Nevada, this is known as supporting the local economy

Biff October 4, 2012 at 3:53 pm

Yeah, no kidding. Here, the local Red Hat chapters like to have their luncheons at one of the brothels. Makes them feel naughty, I suppose.

owhatever October 4, 2012 at 3:38 pm

Do whatever the hell you want, then gets forgiven. Maybe. And maybe God has had it up to here with these Republicans and is dealing their fates to Satan in exchange for some rockin' good musicians.

God: I'll give you Phil Bonus for Three Dog Night.
Satan: No way. Maybe one of the Eagles, straight-up swap.
God: Oh, no, not the Eagles.

Barrelhse October 4, 2012 at 6:03 pm

Two Allman Bros. for Joplin.
And Mama Cass is yours to keep, as our gift, even if you decide to return the Allman Bros.
No, really, I said KEEP her.

Biel_ze_Bubba October 4, 2012 at 6:37 pm

What am I bid for Stevie Ray?

MonkeyMotion October 4, 2012 at 3:39 pm

At least they weren't diddling young boys. Or reading porn. Or having abortions.

It's called values, people.

SmutBoffin October 4, 2012 at 3:39 pm

"Mark David Risner"? That's the lamest pimp name ever.

Baconzgood October 4, 2012 at 3:44 pm

It's no Huggy Bear.

SpeedoFart October 4, 2012 at 4:06 pm

Or "A Pimp Named Slickback".

Barrelhse October 4, 2012 at 6:06 pm

"James O'Keefe" was already taken.

Naked_Bunny October 4, 2012 at 3:39 pm

At least they weren't playing video games. *shudders*

edgydrifter October 4, 2012 at 3:40 pm

I'd be more surprised to hear about a Florida elected official who hasn't porked a hooker.

Naked_Bunny October 4, 2012 at 3:45 pm

So that's the "pork" they're always talking about?

SorosBot October 4, 2012 at 3:47 pm

Or her cousin.

weejee October 4, 2012 at 3:42 pm

Is this like banging the drum?

Dumbedup October 4, 2012 at 3:43 pm

Drive through Oxycontin retailers, whores, strip malls and a cartoon villain governor. Florida, you are America to me!

actor212 October 4, 2012 at 3:46 pm

The dicks are just the right height!

SayItWithWookies October 4, 2012 at 3:45 pm

It's not Mike Horner's fault — it was all that alcohol and cocaine that drove him to the hookers. What?

kittensdontlie October 4, 2012 at 3:45 pm

All's well that ends well. Mike Horner can now spend more time with his family hookers.

Generation[redacted] October 4, 2012 at 3:47 pm

This has moar sex, less words. Fits my attention span perfectly!

SorosBot October 4, 2012 at 3:48 pm

Too bad it wasn't the Miami Vice Mayor.

Barrelhse October 4, 2012 at 6:07 pm

Yes. Damned shame.

Callyson October 4, 2012 at 3:50 pm

If two elected officials were caught selling sex — which, like buying sex, is a crime — do you think they would be prosecuted, for crimes?

For people like the Kochs tax breaks *are* their sex, so no, probably not…

Wadisay October 4, 2012 at 3:52 pm

Florida girls are not for sale!!!*

* They do, however, seem to be for rent.

Yellerdawg October 4, 2012 at 4:39 pm

During spring break you can rent one for two Bud Lights and a hot dog.

SexySmurf October 4, 2012 at 3:54 pm

More like Mike Hornier, am I right?

Biff October 4, 2012 at 3:55 pm

Finally, an article I find easy to masturbate to!

CleverSobriquet October 4, 2012 at 3:56 pm

It's only illegal if you don't put it on video and sell it on the internet.

KeepFnThatChicken October 4, 2012 at 3:56 pm

Floridian Congressmen: Stand your fucking ground, and put on your man-diaper. David Vitter won't quit either.

NYNYNYjr October 4, 2012 at 9:32 pm

Fuck David Vitter in his dirty diaper.

AlNewMan October 4, 2012 at 4:08 pm

Floirda – only flaccid on the map, baby!

cousinitt October 4, 2012 at 4:31 pm

Where's my inflatable globe?

Mittaplasia October 4, 2012 at 4:22 pm

They wouldn't have to pay for sex if their personalities weren't so much of an anti-wet-on.

bikerlaureate October 4, 2012 at 4:23 pm

Sexcrime doubleplus ungood.

hagajim October 4, 2012 at 4:25 pm

Is that Jack Whorner….as in little Little Jack Whorner's brother?

hagajim October 4, 2012 at 4:26 pm

Mike Whorner and Phil Boner….what a pair.

Yellerdawg October 4, 2012 at 4:38 pm

"Horner and Bonus" could be the title of a buddy movie. Sounds sort of like "Turner and Hooch", only with more licking.

HogeyeGrex October 4, 2012 at 5:10 pm

Little Mike Horner
Sat in the corner

'cause he got busted fuckin' the whores.

</Dice>

Negropolis October 4, 2012 at 11:16 pm

…In stuck a thumb, and pulled out a….

chascates October 4, 2012 at 6:00 pm

No surprise. They've been fucking the public ever since they got into office.

Chow Yun Flat October 4, 2012 at 6:01 pm

What did one central Florida say to the other?

Phil is on his way over to Bone-us.

decentcitizen October 4, 2012 at 6:10 pm

The whores still won't vote for them.

Tundra Grifter October 4, 2012 at 6:15 pm

I guess Mike Horner didn't see "Ides of March." Ya spend another twenty bucks on a disposable cell phone for those "personal" calls. You can't use your home number, and it's just flat out stupid cheap to use your work number.

decentcitizen October 4, 2012 at 6:16 pm

Their wives won't vote for them either.

Gorillionaire October 4, 2012 at 6:33 pm

Ha ha, Mike Horner and Phil Bonus both sound like total porn names. Oh yeah, Mike Horner actually is a porn actor's name. He had the cheesy moustache and everything. Probably same guy. Nevermind.

ttommyunger October 4, 2012 at 8:43 pm

Get real! Have you seen these men? I mean, how else do you expect them to get laid? I just feel sorry for the hookers.

NYNYNYjr October 4, 2012 at 9:30 pm

When I drunk drive to the whorehouse, I usually tell them to address me as 'Congressman' too. Once I said Astronaut, but they did not believe.

Negropolis October 4, 2012 at 11:21 pm

Looks like they caught Horner with a "live boy" in the "live boy/dead girl" political spectrum.

Stevola October 5, 2012 at 1:16 am

(which is funny because “vice” means “assistant” but also “sex crimes”)

Bonus!

menopausemafia October 5, 2012 at 9:20 am

Florida Teachers Sure do Love Fucking their Students….

menopausemafia October 5, 2012 at 9:21 am

If you pick a side, you are not for equality.

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