america's wang we love you

Florida Politicians Sure Do Love Paying For Sex

Sad politicians did not get the fairy taleHow many elected officials in the state of Florida have to be discovered on a list of clients at a brothel before Your Wonkette deigns to write about it? One? Two? Three? Oh, no, wait, we guess it’s only two. So, noted central Florida pimp Mark David Risner, what sort of politicians did you lure to the “sex room” in your house, for paid sex? A state representative and “rising GOP star,” plus a comically titled “vice mayor”? And they paid you $200 an hour, which last we checked the exchange rate was about two and a half whore diamonds? Nice work!

Definitely the more comical of the two shamed politicians is Mike Horner, who’s been a member of the state legislature for two terms but abruptly quit his re-election campaign when his whoring ways were revealed. He’s funniest because the “Mike” listed on Risner’s pimp-list had his profession noted as “Congressman,” which, ha ha, it’s great to be aspirational and visualize your goals à la The Secret and all, but maybe this isn’t the appropriate venue? Anyway, authorities were able to determine that Congressman Mike was Mike Horner because there was also a phone number on this list, and when they called it they reached Mike Horner’s re-election campaign, which is probably an illegal use of campaign resources, in addition to the other kinds of illegal that it is.

Mike Horner has a wife and young son, ugh, and he has resigned in disgrace.

Meanwhile, Phil Bonus, who is the “Vice” Mayor of Maitland (which is funny because “vice” means “assistant” but also “sex crimes”), was also on the list, but he says that his wife and children already forgave him, like, years ago, and so he’s not going to quit. Other indications that Bonus is a real prize are a pending DUI charge plus a crusade to cut off city funding to the local arts center. Maybe the arts center will let people fuck it for money! That sounds like a market-based solution.

Anyway, nobody is planning on attempting to prosecute these gentlemen and their wives are still married to them, which is gross. FUN THOUGHT EXPERIMENT: If two elected officials were caught selling sex — which, like buying sex, is a crime — do you think they would be prosecuted, for crimes?

This pimp’s sexy list also includes another unidentified “Congressman” from the “West coast of Florida,” so feel free to speculate wildly about that. [Orlando Sentinel/Orlando Sentinel]

About the author

Josh was born and raised in Buffalo, New York, leaving him with a love of chicken wings and a tendency to say “pop”. He taught ancient Greek and Roman history to undergraduates before fleeing from academia in terror; worked for a failed San Francisco dot-com that neglected to supply him with stock options or an Aeron chair; lived in Berlin, where he mostly ate Indian and Ethiopian food; finished in third place on his sole Jeopardy! appearance (the correct answer was “Golda Meir”); and was named 2007 Blogger of the Year by The Week, for obvious reasons. Josh is the creator/editor of COMICS CURMUDGEON (which you should read) and does geeky editing and writing about geeky things such as "the Java programming industry for JavaWorld." He lives in Baltimore with his wife Amber and his cat Hoagie.

View all articles by Josh Fruhlinger

Comments

Hey there, Wonkeputians! Shypixel here with a few helpful links to ease your transition to Disqus - Claiming Old Accounts - Claiming Your ID Comments [Looking into whether this is still possible - Shy] - Turning off Disqus Notifications. And, as always, remember our Commenting Rules For Radicals, Enjoy!

  • http://www.wonkette.com ChillBill

    Who's the big-haired woman next to Scott Brown?

    • http://simplyleftbehind.blogspot.com/ actor212

      Either the chick from the Joradche commercial, or Rafalca

      • http://www.wonkette.com ChillBill

        SJP played both (sorry, I couldn't resist).

        • http://simplyleftbehind.blogspot.com/ actor212

          Na-a-a-a-a-ayyyyyyyyyy!

    • coolhandnuke

      The star of Star 80's star pony.

    • Lascauxcaveman

      Either Erin Brockovich or Tinkerbell; I'm not quite sure.

      But beats me why two classy broads like that would ever want to be seen in the presence of that Masshole.

    • TribecaMike

      Paulie's sister.

    • Negropolis

      You are really flattering Scott Brown.

  • http://simplyleftbehind.blogspot.com/ actor212

    I'm listed in four little black books.

    I can haz council seat now?

    • coolhandnuke

      Yes, I believe there is an empty seat waiting for Chairman Meow (your avatar).

      • http://simplyleftbehind.blogspot.com/ actor212

        Oh, you mean Rahmbo?

    • mrpuma2u

      You couldn't be any worse than these nimrods. Go for it.

  • http://simplyleftbehind.blogspot.com/ actor212

    Maybe the arts center will let people fuck it for money!

    Dibs on the Dali exhibit!

    • cousinitt

      Sure their style isn't more LeRoy Neiman? I mean, we're talking Orlando here.

    • Lascauxcaveman

      I'll take the Frida Kahlos (as portrayed by Salma Hayek.)

    • Advn2rgirl

      You sure you want the soft clocks? Oh….nevermind.

  • YouBetcha

    Florida, America's Wang.

  • coolhandnuke

    Hoping Dexter is on that client list.

    • BornInATrailer

      Splatter specialist.

      • coolhandnuke

        Rule #5 in the Code of Harry–Control urges, and channel them.

        • BornInATrailer

          You should see what he keeps in that roll-up leather tool pouch..

  • LibertyLover

    If two elected officials were caught selling sex…

    But don't they do this every day as an elected official?

  • BornInATrailer

    Given there is 1 strip club for roughly every 10 Florida residents, this really shouldn't be surprising.

    • Pragmatist2

      If you subtract the people who work in those strip clubs, it is one for every 7.

  • docterry6973

    It's true I sometimes tell people that I am a Congressman from the West coast of Florida, but it almost certainly is not my name on that list.

  • JustPixelz

    hee hee. you said Bonus. hee hee. you said Horner.

  • fartknocker

    He should retain Todd Akins as his PR specialist.

  • OkieDokieDog

    IOKIYAR with the cry, say Jeebus forgive me for letting those ebil debil wimmen entice me with their wicked charms three times and wah-la! All is forgiven. Works for baptist preachers; also too.

    • Guppy

      Actually, the GOP can get away with punishing these two. There is no shortage of Republican state legislators in Florida.

      • unclejeems

        I can see why. Great benefits.

  • One_who_wanders

    Bonus scandal!

  • http://www.wonkette.com Lionel[redacted]Esq

    No one ever invites me to their sex room. Sigh.

    • emmelemm

      You have to pony up the money first, duh.

      • http://www.wonkette.com Lionel[redacted]Esq

        What's the current rate?

    • Yellerdawg

      My sex room blew up.

      • http://www.wonkette.com Lionel[redacted]Esq

        Over inflated the dolls?

    • Negropolis

      Well, if you pay for the champagne room, there are ways to make this happen.

  • http://www.wonkette.com ManchuCandidate

    I didn't realize that the awful Demi Moore film "StripTease" was actually a documentary.

    • Pithaughn

      Well the original novel was most certainly based on true Florida history. Carl Hiaasen is pretty much on the money most of the time. And funny!

    • dr_giraud

      There's one good joke in that movie, the stripper who calls herself "Ariel Sharon."

  • BornInATrailer

    Wait, Horner and Bonus? Yeah, yeah… pull the other leg, comic-man.

    • http://simplyleftbehind.blogspot.com/ actor212

      I posted this and another story in Wonkville about another Republican named Johnson and how he was all over the hookers at a fundraiser

      It's FLORIDA, man! It could happen!

    • Barrelhse

      The other leg? Johnson, in the middle?

  • http://www.flickr.com/photos/30500320@N06/ DerrickWildcat

    Mike Horner was a pretty good actor.

    • Barrelhse

      Yeah. I really liked Sea Hunt.

  • GortRay

    Oh Jeebus forgive me! I swear to you oh mighty Lord, I just put the tip in…just the tip! How can a man resist a woman in cut off jeans and shiny stockings?

  • Goonemeritus

    Any state where 50% of small business is either a pawn shop or nudie bar isn’t going to live up to Wonkette’s famous puritanical world view.

    Edit– Most of the remaining 50% are “pain management clinics”.

    • http://wonkette.com/ no_gravity

      Lush Rimjob accounts for 50% of the oxy trade alone.

      • Goonemeritus

        Best I can tell the average Floridian starts his day going to the pain clinic because of the sore back he got pawning his TV to raise money to stuff in a strangers G-string.

    • Negropolis

      We've got pain management clinics here in Michigan, too. The difference is that we call them dispensaries, and the side effects are WAY better.

    • Low_Budget_Dave

      You forgot "tattoo parlor" and "apparently illegal lawn service business".

  • MissTaken

    The poor Vice Mayor just had a Bonus Boner and needed to put it to good use.

    • Barrelhse

      Maybe he could just slam the window on it next time?

  • http://wonkette.com/ no_gravity

    another unidentified “Congressman” from the “West coast of Florida,”

    Senile Congressman Bill Young whose house was broken into by prostitutes that left a ring bearer pillow?

  • Baconzgood

    Tee-Hee

    "Fill Boner"

  • SorosBot

    "This pimp’s sexy list also includes another unidentified “Congressman” from the “West coast of Florida,"

    Please be Allen West oh please.

    • http://wonkette.com/ no_gravity

      Unfortunately, he's East coast.

    • ThankYouJeebus

      His wife is porny enough, thank you very much.

    • Ruhe

      Yes, this story needs more federal star power to be really interesting. After all, Cocktober is a "National" holiday.

    • Tundra Grifter

      SB:

      So, there's one "West Coast Congressman" on the roster. How many are going to go home, confess to their wives and kids, and then discover down the road that it was somebody else on the list?

      Confess or modified limited hang out? That question is tougher than a $2 steak…

  • ThankYouJeebus

    Florida is shaped like a penis, Utah is shaped like a square. That explains Mitt.

    • http://simplyleftbehind.blogspot.com/ actor212

      Here's the problem with Florida.

      The Bahamas aren't shaped like a vagina

      • Ruhe

        Florida is motorboating the Bahamas?

        • cousinitt

          Looks to me like Florida already did–and the Keys got dribbled out.

      • SavageDrummer

        That would be New Zealand…

  • http://inappropriatejobpostings.blogspot.com/ fuflans

    wait! these are republicans? with girls?

    this is not the cocktober we've been promised.

    • NYNYNYjr

      I know, Republicans, in FLORIDA, with girls. I assume if you look into it the girls were under 16.

    • Low_Budget_Dave

      The Vice Mayor may or may not be a Republican. (Maitland offices are non-affiliated). Since he in on the Chamber, we assume he is a Republican. But since the prosti-Americans were female, we might assume he was a Democrat.

      On the other hand, Maitland is so Republican that a guy can be considered a Ayn-Rand-type superhero for standing up to the Art Center…

  • Allmighty_Manos

    In Nevada, this is known as supporting the local economy

    • Biff

      Yeah, no kidding. Here, the local Red Hat chapters like to have their luncheons at one of the brothels. Makes them feel naughty, I suppose.

  • owhatever

    Do whatever the hell you want, then gets forgiven. Maybe. And maybe God has had it up to here with these Republicans and is dealing their fates to Satan in exchange for some rockin' good musicians.

    God: I'll give you Phil Bonus for Three Dog Night.
    Satan: No way. Maybe one of the Eagles, straight-up swap.
    God: Oh, no, not the Eagles.

    • Barrelhse

      Two Allman Bros. for Joplin.
      And Mama Cass is yours to keep, as our gift, even if you decide to return the Allman Bros.
      No, really, I said KEEP her.

      • Biel_ze_Bubba

        What am I bid for Stevie Ray?

  • MonkeyMotion

    At least they weren't diddling young boys. Or reading porn. Or having abortions.

    It's called values, people.

  • SmutBoffin

    "Mark David Risner"? That's the lamest pimp name ever.

    • Baconzgood

      It's no Huggy Bear.

      • SpeedoFart

        Or "A Pimp Named Slickback".

    • Barrelhse

      "James O'Keefe" was already taken.

  • Naked_Bunny

    At least they weren't playing video games. *shudders*

  • edgydrifter

    I'd be more surprised to hear about a Florida elected official who hasn't porked a hooker.

    • Naked_Bunny

      So that's the "pork" they're always talking about?

    • SorosBot

      Or her cousin.

  • http://wonkette.com/ weejee

    Is this like banging the drum?

  • Dumbedup

    Drive through Oxycontin retailers, whores, strip malls and a cartoon villain governor. Florida, you are America to me!

    • http://simplyleftbehind.blogspot.com/ actor212

      The dicks are just the right height!

  • http://lostintarnation.blogspot.com/ SayItWithWookies

    It's not Mike Horner's fault — it was all that alcohol and cocaine that drove him to the hookers. What?

  • kittensdontlie

    All's well that ends well. Mike Horner can now spend more time with his family hookers.

  • Generation[redacted]

    This has moar sex, less words. Fits my attention span perfectly!

  • SorosBot

    Too bad it wasn't the Miami Vice Mayor.

    • Barrelhse

      Yes. Damned shame.

  • Callyson

    If two elected officials were caught selling sex — which, like buying sex, is a crime — do you think they would be prosecuted, for crimes?

    For people like the Kochs tax breaks *are* their sex, so no, probably not…

  • Wadisay

    Florida girls are not for sale!!!*

    * They do, however, seem to be for rent.

    • Yellerdawg

      During spring break you can rent one for two Bud Lights and a hot dog.

  • SexySmurf

    More like Mike Hornier, am I right?

  • Biff

    Finally, an article I find easy to masturbate to!

  • CleverSobriquet

    It's only illegal if you don't put it on video and sell it on the internet.

  • KeepFnThatChicken

    Floridian Congressmen: Stand your fucking ground, and put on your man-diaper. David Vitter won't quit either.

    • NYNYNYjr

      Fuck David Vitter in his dirty diaper.

  • AlNewMan

    Floirda – only flaccid on the map, baby!

    • cousinitt

      Where's my inflatable globe?

  • Mittaplasia

    They wouldn't have to pay for sex if their personalities weren't so much of an anti-wet-on.

  • bikerlaureate

    Sexcrime doubleplus ungood.

  • hagajim

    Is that Jack Whorner….as in little Little Jack Whorner's brother?

  • hagajim

    Mike Whorner and Phil Boner….what a pair.

  • Yellerdawg

    "Horner and Bonus" could be the title of a buddy movie. Sounds sort of like "Turner and Hooch", only with more licking.

  • HogeyeGrex

    Little Mike Horner
    Sat in the corner

    'cause he got busted fuckin' the whores.

    </Dice>

    • Negropolis

      …In stuck a thumb, and pulled out a….

  • chascates

    No surprise. They've been fucking the public ever since they got into office.

  • http://hong-kong-actresses.blogspot.com/ Chow Yun Flat

    What did one central Florida say to the other?

    Phil is on his way over to Bone-us.

  • decentcitizen

    The whores still won't vote for them.

  • Tundra Grifter

    I guess Mike Horner didn't see "Ides of March." Ya spend another twenty bucks on a disposable cell phone for those "personal" calls. You can't use your home number, and it's just flat out stupid cheap to use your work number.

  • decentcitizen

    Their wives won't vote for them either.

  • Gorillionaire

    Ha ha, Mike Horner and Phil Bonus both sound like total porn names. Oh yeah, Mike Horner actually is a porn actor's name. He had the cheesy moustache and everything. Probably same guy. Nevermind.

  • ttommyunger

    Get real! Have you seen these men? I mean, how else do you expect them to get laid? I just feel sorry for the hookers.

  • NYNYNYjr

    When I drunk drive to the whorehouse, I usually tell them to address me as 'Congressman' too. Once I said Astronaut, but they did not believe.

  • Negropolis

    Looks like they caught Horner with a "live boy" in the "live boy/dead girl" political spectrum.

  • Stevola

    (which is funny because “vice” means “assistant” but also “sex crimes”)

    Bonus!

  • menopausemafia

    Florida Teachers Sure do Love Fucking their Students….

  • menopausemafia

    If you pick a side, you are not for equality.