Sundays With The Christianists: A ‘World History’ Textbook To Haunt Your Home-Schooled Dreams

by Doktor Zoom

Jesus was totally a BronyCharge up your Flux Capacitors, folks! It’s time for our weekly foray into the past — or at least, the past as it happened in the fevered imaginations of fundamentalist Christians. Our text is again World History and Cultures In Christian Perspective (A Beka Book, 1997). This book does, in its tendentious way, present mostly-factual history. You actually could learn a lot about world history from World History, even if you dismiss the Creationist nonsense, the relentless anti-Catholicism, and the obsession with connecting historical events to the ideological hobby-horses of the modern American religious right. We only focus on the craziest stuff here in our Sunday series.

On the other hand, there’s also been enough crazy for five posts so far, and we’re only up to the 18th century.

So last week, we learned how godless Enlightenment humanism led to the madness of the French Revolution. This week, we’ll see how England and America managed to avoid anarchy. Do you suppose that being Bible-believing Christians had something to do with it?

With well-crafted narrative tension, we are first told how dangerously close England came to suffering the fate of France. What’s worse, this decadence was not due to Romish meddling, but to the English people’s own turning away from the Bible!

By the turn of the 18th century the English people had more freedom than they had known at any time before in their history but they had left the teachings of the Bible and had become slaves to their own passions. Gambling was the favorite indoor sport, while gin and beer were the favorite drinks (p. 330).

Needless to say, moral depravity is the only possible reason for all that gin and beer; any other explanations, such as rapid urbanization, social upheaval, the huge profits to be made by distilleries, or widespread poverty are just making excuses for morally-weak poor people who turned away from God. And you know what happens to debauched people who drink? They read humanistic philosophers, of course!

As England’s morals continued to slip, she became susceptible to the ideas of the Enlightenment. The late 17th and early 18th centuries in England were known as the Age of Reason because several English philosophers and writers adopted forms of rationalism, deism, and other humanistic philosophies. One of the most influential philosophers of this age was John Locke (1632-1704). Although Locke claimed to be a Christian and promoted Christian morals, he often supplanted the authority of the Bible with humanistic rationalism and empiricism, the belief that experience is the only source of knowledge. Locke wrote: “The last resort a man has recourse to in the conduct of himself is his understanding” This declaration leaves out the supreme authority of the Word of God, which truly has the last word on how we should conduct our lives.

So, remember what we said about this book being mostly factual? This paragraph is a lovely example — it’s not exactly lying about Locke, and yet it unmistakably paints him as a dangerous bad guy, and as usual, his ideological impurity even negates his own “claim” to faith. Once again, World History seriously sins by omission: This is its sole mention of Locke, so a homeschooled child might live unpolluted by any sense that Locke influenced America’s Founders.* Still, at least he’s mentioned — Thomas Hobbes is nowhere to be found. But let’s learn more about those awful English humanists!

Another philosopher of the Age of Reason was David Hume (1711-1776). Hume promoted the philosophy of skepticism — the idea that to know truth is impossible, and that knowledge is uncertain. Hume’s skepticism rejected Christianity’s stand on the absolute truths of the Bible, as well as anything that was supernatural (i.e. — God, miracles, etc.).

Insisting on evidence is just plain crazy, after all. There’s already a book written by God that says that miracles are real, and as the bumper sticker says, that settles it.

Just when we’re good and worried that, with “no spiritual restraints to preserve order and peace, England was ripe for the same crisis that ravaged France during the Revolution,” a hero comes riding over the horizon, and he’s literally on a mission from God!

But because of God’s providence, England would be spared from judgment. The ministry of ]ohn Wesley led the British nation to spiritual revival and reconciliation with God…

Thousands of British citizens responded to the message of salvation by faith alone, and in the power of Christ their lives were transformed… The results were such, as ]ohn Wesley put it, that no “reasonable man can deny . . . that God is now visiting this nation, in a far other manner than we had cause to expect. Instead of pouring out his fierce displeasure upon us, he hath made us yet another tender of mercy: so that even when sin did abound, grace hath much more abounded.” England became a changed country (p. 331).

Whew! That was so close! This 1997 edition of World History quotes a lengthy passage by Woodrow Wilson to the effect that the Wesleyan Revival saved England from chaos and bloody revolution, an irony that might be lost on Glenn Beck fans who think of Wilson solely as the father of the “cancer” of progressivism; we really need to get the 2010 edition to see if that flaw has been expunged.

And now that the dangers of Human Reason have been, for now, successfully avoided, we’re ready for the American Revolution. Surprisingly, the texbook presents an objectively factual narrative of the events leading up to America’s founding, sympathetic to the colonists, of course, but without a word about divine inspiration or Providence. It does pause for a bit of jingoism:

On ]uly 4, 1776, the Second Continental Congress unanimously adopted the Declaration of Independence, the most important human statement of political principles in the history of the world (p. 338).**

But on the whole the main text’s handling of the War for Independence, the Articles of Confederation, and the Constitutional Convention are much like what you’d find in a secular history text. There is ideology, of course, but it’s segregated in a couple of “boxes” separate from the main text. In one, which we touched on last week, we learn why the American and French revolutions were so different:

The most important difference was the spiritual condition of the two nations at the time of their struggles. France, under the influence of the Enlightenment, had largely rejected Christianity and turned to humanistic philosophies. America, however, had a strong Christian heritage revived by the Great Awakening, which gave her stability and unity — things France sadly lacked. In a word, America had the benefit of righteousness, a characteristic that always brings God’s blessing.

The other differences between the two nations stem from this fundamental contrast. For example, America’s Christian heritage produced a people of high moral character and integrity who were well-prepared for the responsibilities of political liberty. Biblical values guided the English colonists in their attempt at reconciliation, their decision to take a stand for individual liberty, and their eventual fight for independence. The people of France, on the other hand, had abandoned Christian morality and had lost their integrity; their sinful passions — greed, envy, bitterness, lust — controlled them, leading the nation from a bloody rebellion to tyranny (p. 339).

Proto-teabaggersMan, those lustful, greedy, bitter French! They were awful, weren’t they? Happily, no American Founders were ever lustful, which will certainly leave the real Benjamin Franklin sorely disappointed. And American colonists of course never even imagined letting their sinful passions run wild, which may be why this textbook does not include that staple of high-school history books, the British engraving “The Bostonians Paying the Excise-man,” which depicts a Crown tax man, tarred and feathered, having scalding tea poured down his throat. Good times!

The chapter closes with another short boxed-off essay about the U.S. Constitution; even this focuses on the liberty and justice for all stuff, and only drags God into the closing paragraph:

To the Americans of the late 18th century the hand of God was clearly visible in the framing of the Constitution. They realized, however, that, even with such a remarkable Constitution, a great nation could be built only upon the continued blessing of God, which comes from the righteousness which “exalteth a nation” (Prov. 14:34).

Compared to David Barton’s nutty claims, earlier this year, that the Constitution incorporates “verbatim” passages from the Bible, this is an almost timid claim for God’s influence on the founding of the United States. We wouldn’t be surprised if this section of World History has been criticized for insufficient emphasis on God’s direct involvement in the drafting of the Constitution. Hey… are these guys even really Christian?

——————————–
*Locke doesn’t even show up in the index of a couple of Christianist U.S. History textbooks that we’ll look at later in this series.

** The italicized text is repeated, word for word, in he publisher’s 8th-grade US History text, America: Land I Love.

NEXT WEEK: The Industrian Revolution, the British Empire, and the roots of — ladies, please try not to faint — Darwinism.

 

Hola wonkerados.

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{ 279 comments }

ThundercatHo September 30, 2012 at 12:11 pm

Whoo hoo! TDIF! We are gonna get wasted this weekend! Martinis and a keg and reading humanistic philosophy! Par-tay!

Blueb4sinrise September 30, 2012 at 12:12 pm

David Hume could bring teh snark too!!!!

Doktor Zoom September 30, 2012 at 12:21 pm

Not only that, he could out-consume Wilhelm Friedrich Hegel

el_donaldo September 30, 2012 at 12:40 pm

John Stuart Mill of his own free will on half a pint of shandy was particularly ill.

Doktor Zoom September 30, 2012 at 12:44 pm

By golly, I think I should do a post somewhere down the line in which I simply go through the Bruces' Philosophers Song and see what this dumb textbook sez about each!

Mill, by the way, is mentioned once, in a section headed "The Beginning of Britain's Decline," because utilitarianism is socialist of course.

mavenmaven September 30, 2012 at 12:54 pm

I can only imagine what they will have to say about Nietzsche.

Boojum September 30, 2012 at 12:53 pm

But Wittgenstein was a beery swine, so therefore QED also too.

deanbooth September 30, 2012 at 12:38 pm

I especially like his riff on God as a spider.

weejee September 30, 2012 at 12:49 pm

With Xtine O'Donnell in the role of Miss Muffet?

WhatTheHeck September 30, 2012 at 1:16 pm

At that specific time in god's existence, he also went by the name “Ziggy.”

OkieDokieDog September 30, 2012 at 12:15 pm

This is most enjoyable reading while slurping my 2nd Bloody Mary.

kateinmt September 30, 2012 at 8:09 pm

Bloody Marys use the blessed vodka, rather than demon gin. Good for you!

LionHeartSoyDog September 30, 2012 at 11:12 pm

i would gladly slurp Bloody Mary, but it will take more than that to actually liberate Women from the Repug pigs.
Let's work towards that, by any means necessary.

glasspusher October 1, 2012 at 12:28 am

If you're like my sister, you don't want to be liberated from them or anyone else!

LionHeartSoyDog October 1, 2012 at 12:51 am

if i am like your sister, i yam what i am, anyhoo.

memzilla September 30, 2012 at 12:17 pm

…the English people had more freedom than they had known… but they had left the teachings of the Bible and had become slaves to their own passions.

So, by extension and analogy to the current crowd of Teabagganist Obama-haters, any Bible-wielding proselytizer in 18th Century England, railing against gambling and booze, should have justifiably been hooted down by choruses of "Takin' 'Way Our Freedom! God = Socialist Commie Muslin!"

Boojum September 30, 2012 at 12:54 pm

Perhaps they have reversed these, in the order of cause and effect. That is, if you believe in that causality stuff.

miss_grundy September 30, 2012 at 6:53 pm

Why do I get the feeling that the Teabagganist pay too much attention to the fire and brimstone of the Old Testament but they really don't pay attention to anything that Jesus says in the New Testament? Perhaps they need a new bible, one that highlights all those words that are attributed to Jesus? Perhaps, that wouldn't be a good idea, 'cause their heads might explode!

Doktor Zoom September 30, 2012 at 7:33 pm

Hey, they've read the Parable of the Talents, in which Jesus endorses investing. Is there anything else of significance in there?

soeoho September 30, 2012 at 12:18 pm

No mention of SNL's Church Lady? Well isn't that special…

eggsacklywright September 30, 2012 at 1:05 pm

I prefer "Isn't that spatial?"

vtxmcrider September 30, 2012 at 8:30 pm

Patience! I am sure she will be mentioned after two more centuries.

no_gravity September 30, 2012 at 12:20 pm

Biblical values guided the English colonists in their attempt at reconciliation, their decision to take a stand for individual liberty, and their eventual fight for independence.

I think they're confusing the Magna Carta for the bible. But, one old document is the same as any other.

AlterNewt September 30, 2012 at 12:20 pm

"The people of France, on the other hand, had abandoned Christian morality and had lost their integrity…"

America, on the other, other hand…

WhatTheHeck September 30, 2012 at 1:23 pm

God so loved the English during and after their Age of Reasom that he sent many an Englishman/woman to Australia as convicts to establish Truth, Justice and the American way down under.

LionHeartSoyDog September 30, 2012 at 11:15 pm

And to kill Abos, also. For Jeebus.

PuckStopsHere September 30, 2012 at 12:27 pm

Needs moar "making shit up." Oh, wait…

Willardbot9000_V2.5 October 1, 2012 at 5:03 pm

Oh they've done plenty of that already…as Doc says ommitting the whole ya know, indentured servitude and the short led insurrection and of course, slavery. They also omit the slaughter of native Americans from which all of these items USED to be argued by Christian douchebags as evidence for a great American moral compass because ya know, superiority of white men an shit. Also, those damned evil French created dens of iniquity by not owning slaves and occassionally having SEX (gasp!) and living together with natives. Hilariously enough of course many Great Awakening idiots like Jonathan Edwards called attention to the moral wrong of sleeping with Injuns…so these guys are just omitting the usual evidence in writings of the time of American moral superiority over the French…

Willardbot9000_V2.5 October 1, 2012 at 5:27 pm

Of course most of this bullshit comes from Edmund Burke about how the US revolution was led by Christianity and the French was led by humanism. The reality fo both is of course, complicated. The US established the free exercise and establishment clauses to keep free of a state church like the church of England and the French were pissed about the Divine Right of the monarchy leading to their severing of religion from state. But of course even though both created secular governments morons like to argue against all evidence from the times that US was religious in nature.

decay500 September 30, 2012 at 12:28 pm

Needz moar Naughton..

eggsacklywright September 30, 2012 at 12:28 pm

Does Crusader Rabbit get a chapter? Or even a paragraph?

sbj1964 September 30, 2012 at 12:29 pm

Right wing Fundies have become a parody stereo type of the worst world view of an American.I travel extensively overseas,and find myself apologizing for these Christard lunatics that especially in Europe they see as no better than the Taliban.I can't tell you how many times people have asked me"What is wrong with you Americans?"Face palm.

DemmeFatale September 30, 2012 at 2:40 pm

They also don't understand why our asses are so fat!
When my hubby and his sister, (both weighed about 125 lbs. more than they should have), walked down the street in France, they were constantly gawked at like circus freaks. (Here, no one would have even noticed!)

And yeah, I miss the Clinton days, (I lived in England), when some thought he was a Saint that helped end the troubles in Northern Ireland.

Isyaignert October 1, 2012 at 1:52 am

At least now when I go to Europe I don't have to pretend to be Canadian, like I did during GeeDumb's Reign of Terror.

eggsacklywright September 30, 2012 at 12:31 pm

Needs moar Russell and Dawkins. Blurp.

AlterNewt September 30, 2012 at 12:32 pm

"In a word, America had the benefit of righteousness,"

..or, in TWO words, self righteousness.

weejee September 30, 2012 at 12:44 pm

…and then back to ONE, self

gullywompr September 30, 2012 at 12:46 pm

Eminence front – It's a put on.

An_Outhouse September 30, 2012 at 6:00 pm

we also had the benefit of no monarcy and a big ass ocean to keep the bad guys away.

deanbooth September 30, 2012 at 12:33 pm

"Giving up witchcraft is, in effect, giving up the Bible" — John Wesley

Save us Christine, you're our only hope!

el_donaldo September 30, 2012 at 12:34 pm

I don't think gin and beer necessarily lead to humanistic philosophy. Then again, people who read a lot of humanistic and worse philosophy (Nietzsche anyone?) do seem to drink a lot of gin and beer, so maybe that's the connection.

AlterNewt September 30, 2012 at 12:39 pm

It certainly calls for further investigation.

weejee September 30, 2012 at 12:42 pm

So where does Dame Peggington Noonington sit in this gin continuum?

no_gravity September 30, 2012 at 12:44 pm

The shitehouse.

102415 September 30, 2012 at 9:03 pm

Gordon's. She's kind of an old school Deb in her own mind.

Negropolis September 30, 2012 at 11:01 pm

Oh, on all of them, Katie. **hiccup**

eggsacklywright September 30, 2012 at 12:59 pm

Alcohol in general makes me feel more human-istical.

Jukesgrrl September 30, 2012 at 4:50 pm

It's good to be one of those people who love everyone when they're drunk. Fewer bar fights.

SorosBot September 30, 2012 at 1:33 pm

Yeah but Nietzsche is awesome to read; of all the big-name philosophers he was probably the best writer.

el_donaldo September 30, 2012 at 1:50 pm

One of my favorites. Worse in the sense that if Christianists are troubled by humanistic philosophy, anti-humanistic philosophy must really terrify them.

An_Outhouse September 30, 2012 at 6:02 pm

nietzsche was such a crabby downer. i don't think he is a good example of the typical jolly drunk philosopher.

sbj1964 September 30, 2012 at 12:38 pm

God,Jesus,Casper,Satan,demons,angels,saints,and martyrs the christian pantheon of faith.The ancient Greeks,Romans,Egyptians have nothing on the cast of silly characters of the people of faith today.

no_gravity September 30, 2012 at 12:46 pm

Isis and Osiris concur.

Doktor Zoom September 30, 2012 at 3:59 pm

Ra! Ra! Ra!

CthuNHu September 30, 2012 at 5:46 pm

What about the aqueduct?

bobbert September 30, 2012 at 10:06 pm

Viaduct?

sbj1964 September 30, 2012 at 10:12 pm

aqueducts?Via pipes

Doktor Zoom October 1, 2012 at 12:52 am

Not a truck, a series of toobs

weejee September 30, 2012 at 12:40 pm

Thomas Hobbes is nowhere to be found.

Calvin weeps.

Doktor Zoom September 30, 2012 at 12:48 pm

Oh, there's tons and tons of Calvin. But not a hint of Hobbes.

Also, for the hell of it, I uploaded this thing to Flickr last week. See also, from elsewhere on the web, this lovely T-shirt design.

LibertyLover September 30, 2012 at 12:51 pm

*Snicker* You said "For the hell of it…."

weejee September 30, 2012 at 12:55 pm

Sweet treat. Twas a true believer in the Calvinist elect during my late childhood that sent sent me fleeing into the loving arms of fizzics.

LibertyLover September 30, 2012 at 3:47 pm

Isn't fizzics what you get when you drop mentos into a 2 Liter (yipes- metric system) bottle of Coke?

weejee September 30, 2012 at 4:21 pm

One of the ideals, a gas even.

Doktor Zoom September 30, 2012 at 1:00 pm

Also, it looks like the T-shirt is maybe ripped off from a print by Nina Matsumoto (or maybe it actually is by her, dunno…)

OkieDokieDog September 30, 2012 at 1:04 pm

That National Lampoon Xmas sermon is the best one I've ever read… I've never actually heard one in teh church since I was 12 years old.

UW8316154 September 30, 2012 at 3:18 pm

I never liked that comic strip very much, anyway.

Wait, what?

gullywompr September 30, 2012 at 12:44 pm

Sunday is my favorite day of the week to be an atheist. Am I damned to repeat this history because I don't study it? Well, maybe the indoor sports of gambling and gin…

LibertyLover September 30, 2012 at 12:52 pm

Yep, it's like Groundhog Day….

SorosBot September 30, 2012 at 1:35 pm

And now we've got football with the non-sucky union refs again.

deanbooth September 30, 2012 at 12:46 pm

I can't wait to see them explain how all those Bible readers got slavery wrong for 1900 years. Great guide to morality you've got there.

Doktor Zoom September 30, 2012 at 1:22 pm

Again, for space reasons I had to cut how William Wilberforce, inspired by Wesley, reformed English society and eventually got the slave trade ended.

Strange, though, no mention of Christian justifications for slavery. Obviously not true Scotsmen.

eggsacklywright September 30, 2012 at 1:29 pm

Harrummph! And I say that as a Scottish person.

Doktor Zoom September 30, 2012 at 4:02 pm

Oh, I meant this true Scotsman. Any similarity to actual Scotsmen is purely coincidental.

(And if it's nae Scottish, it's CRAP!)

unclejeems September 30, 2012 at 4:30 pm

Oh, aye!

LibertyLover September 30, 2012 at 12:49 pm

… greed, envy, bitterness, lust — controlled them…

Let's see: Occupy Wall Street — envy — check
Wall Street — greed—- check
Liberal Blogs——Bitterness—-check
Internet Porn——Lust—Check

I'm convinced. I'm going to quit reading this stuff on Sunday morning and go get me some Good ol' time Religion.

PubOption September 30, 2012 at 12:49 pm

The teabaggers should like the "Paying the Excise Man" engraving. The tree of liberty is prominent, and, judging by the noose, it is about to get watered by the blood of someone vaguely resembling a tyrant.

chascates September 30, 2012 at 12:54 pm

Then the Q.E.Duh here is that we lost that ole' time religion and that's why a loving God has plagued us with humanists, atheists, feminazis, black Presidents, and reality teevee.

Only by returning to our Christianist roots can we escape the debt, the brownz, the muslims, and pornography. The Deatheaters just need to brainwash our children, capture the entire media, takeover all politics, and bingo–America As It Supposed To Be until Rapture time.

kittensdontlie September 30, 2012 at 1:50 pm

Amen.

weejee September 30, 2012 at 4:25 pm

Goaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaal.

May the rapture rupture be theirs from all this heavy teleological lifting.

LibertyLover September 30, 2012 at 12:55 pm

I am already doomed since I chose to study science instead of history, so I might as well have a drink.

Boojum September 30, 2012 at 12:55 pm

Locke up your daughters, Franklin is coming.

Doktor Zoom September 30, 2012 at 3:33 pm

"Hide your wives and daughters,
hide the groceries, too.
Great Nations of Europe comin' through!"

Angry_Marmot September 30, 2012 at 4:59 pm

Maybe he's just breathing hard.

Steverino247 September 30, 2012 at 11:08 pm

Ben Franklin's dick probably did more to establish our independence than several states put together.

ThankYouJeebus September 30, 2012 at 12:59 pm

I dismiss this entire argument on its face.

How can the year 1776 be in the Eighteenth century? Hennngh? The number 17 is right there!

kittensdontlie September 30, 2012 at 2:05 pm

Number Professor Ryan(R-Village Idiot) used similar math hijinks to cut one hour off his marathon time.

Guppy September 30, 2012 at 3:12 pm

There's no zero in the Bible.

After all, the Gospels keep saying that Easter Sunday is "three days" after Good Friday.

Negropolis September 30, 2012 at 11:08 pm

It was rhetorical snark, my friend.

Guppy September 30, 2012 at 11:48 pm

You say that now, but wait until we learn about A Beka's math books, where all number lines begin at 1.

delaney_blom October 1, 2012 at 9:47 am

It would take too long to go through all the math.

Schmegeg September 30, 2012 at 1:02 pm

Without knowing anything about nineteenth century English history, I can say beyond any doubt that gambling was no better than the second favorite indoor sport.

GemlikeFlame September 30, 2012 at 3:13 pm

Raising children for scientific experimentation? I mean…
http://www.montypython.net/meaningmm1.php#Miracle

sewollef October 1, 2012 at 8:49 am

English history, I can say beyond any doubt that gambling was no better than the second favorite indoor sport.

Not sure it was restricted to indoors…. which I'm assuming you're alluding to sexual shenanigans.

Doktor Zoom September 30, 2012 at 1:02 pm

You know what other "indoor sports" were popular in the 18th Century?

Lucidamente1 September 30, 2012 at 1:14 pm

Buttsecks with Frederick the Great?

AlterNewt September 30, 2012 at 9:49 pm

He WAS fond of 'camp life'.

WhatTheHeck September 30, 2012 at 1:30 pm

Twister. It got you into some unusual positions.

LibertyLover September 30, 2012 at 1:33 pm

Mechanical Bull Riding?

eggsacklywright September 30, 2012 at 1:37 pm

Punchin' Judy?

bikerlaureate September 30, 2012 at 1:39 pm

Lice-picking?

JohnnyQuick September 30, 2012 at 1:49 pm

Smallpox Blanket Bingo! Invite the natives.

el_donaldo September 30, 2012 at 1:56 pm

ooh ooh, were any of them "water"?

MosesInvests September 30, 2012 at 2:34 pm

Swiving?

Doktor Zoom September 30, 2012 at 3:48 pm

we're getting along swivingly here.

Radiotherapy September 30, 2012 at 3:49 pm

Napoleon planning his invasion of Russia?

An_Outhouse September 30, 2012 at 6:12 pm

fucking? (it usually makes every century's top ten)

SigDeFlyinMonky September 30, 2012 at 9:27 pm

Ratting?

Negropolis September 30, 2012 at 11:10 pm

Quarantine?

Last person to leave the sick patient's room dies a horrible and painful death!

Guppy September 30, 2012 at 11:52 pm

John Cleland knows!

ManchuCandidate September 30, 2012 at 1:04 pm

I'd rather gamble playing poker, sinning with loose women and drink than live in the hypocritical stupid world of Jeebus masturbating close minded dominionist moran (sic) motherfuckers.

Without the philosophical groundwork they can't deal with, there would not have been as widespread adoption of the technological and scientific discoveries of the 19th century.

MistaEko September 30, 2012 at 1:04 pm

Gambling was the favorite indoor sport,

Beating out what, exactly?

chascates September 30, 2012 at 1:08 pm

Praying.

SexySmurf September 30, 2012 at 1:31 pm

Women's basketball?

Doktor Zoom September 30, 2012 at 3:29 pm

You'd think these guys would like women's basketball, since it emphasizes the fundamentals.

ChessieNefercat September 30, 2012 at 1:33 pm

Wait. Gambling is a sport?

Doktor Zoom September 30, 2012 at 4:03 pm

It's on ESPN, so it must be.

SorosBot September 30, 2012 at 1:36 pm

Oral sex?

BoroPrimorac September 30, 2012 at 1:46 pm

Old timey, "put up your dukes" boxing?

anniegetyerfun September 30, 2012 at 10:17 pm

You're partway there with the word "beating".

Negropolis September 30, 2012 at 11:13 pm

Why, badger-baiting, of course.

This was probably the only time in recorded history when honey badger did give a shit, both figuratively and literally.

bobbert October 1, 2012 at 1:11 am

Beating off what, exactly?

IndianaKevin October 1, 2012 at 7:35 am

Fans, which is WAY better than getting an autograph.

sbj1964 September 30, 2012 at 1:06 pm

When asked what I believe in I tell people"I believe in Crystal Light,because Crystal light believes in me." Or"I believe I'll have another beer."The best part of being non religious is you get to sleep in on Sundays.

Doktor Zoom September 30, 2012 at 1:11 pm

And as usual, because the piece is too long already, I still had to cut this bit:

The literature during the Age of Reason was characterized by cynicism and satire regarding England’s worsening conditions. Writers ridiculed the pretentiousness and superficiality of the time, often leading others to form a cynical outlook on life. Prominent literary leaders such as Alexander Pope (1688-1744) and ]onathan Swift (1667-1745) derided the hypocrisy and corruption that had become so rampant in England.

We are happy to report that the editors somehow refrain from condemning Swift for his radical humanist pro-baby-eating agenda.

Guppy September 30, 2012 at 3:15 pm

characterized by cynicism and satire

We're doomed.

Doktor Zoom September 30, 2012 at 3:49 pm

He used… sarcasm. He knew all the tricks: dramatic irony, metaphor, bathos, puns, parody, litotes and… satire. He was vicious.

glasspusher October 1, 2012 at 12:37 am

What is it with you and the close bracket masquerading as a J?

Doktor Zoom October 1, 2012 at 12:45 am

Hah! Totally missed that! It's a quirk of the OCR software that I use to scan the book. I save it to Word, so spellcheck usually catches the odd little punctuation marks, or "rn" instead of "m." But sometimes I am just bloody lazy.

Freewayblogger September 30, 2012 at 10:13 pm

Fundamentalists have an odd attitude about baby-killing. Approximately 100 million Americans claim to believe that abortion is the murder of an innocent child. This is why every abortion clinic in the country is surrounded 24/7 by tens of thousands of non-violent protesters.

Negropolis September 30, 2012 at 11:15 pm

So, what must they believe about our current time? I mean we have Snooki and Lindsay Lohan and Honey Boo Boo on television. Truly, we are living in the end times, right?

Doktor Zoom October 1, 2012 at 12:48 am

Hey, they're betting clean air and water as well as a quickly-declining world oil supply that the Lord will be back before we've fouled our nest completely.

AlterNewt October 1, 2012 at 12:52 am

Hopefully not before you've completed this series.

bobbert October 1, 2012 at 12:49 am

What is this "television" of which you speak?

WhatTheHeck September 30, 2012 at 1:11 pm

For example, America’s Christian heritage produced a people of high moral character and integrity

That's why there were thriving brothels wherever towns were established in the new world.

LibertyLover September 30, 2012 at 1:36 pm

Hey, Hey, Hey… Priorities are important…There are many instances of urban development on the *ahem* backs of the working girl. You could consider it "stimulating" the economy.

Chet Kincaid_ September 30, 2012 at 2:41 pm

"That's right, Woodrow!" Gus said amiably. "I'm fixin' to ride into town and see a lady about a poke."

An_Outhouse September 30, 2012 at 6:15 pm

what's with all the gay bars in the port towns?

CrunchyKnee September 30, 2012 at 1:12 pm

Locke was much better when he was wheelchair bound in "Lost."

James Michael Curley September 30, 2012 at 1:19 pm

These guys have given up trying to win the election in November.

"President Barack Obama and Democrats have hammered Romney and Ryan for refusing to say until after the election which tax loopholes they would close.

Ryan told "Fox News Sunday" that "it would take me too long to go through all the math."

SexySmurf September 30, 2012 at 1:34 pm

Here's the video. I do like his stance on party dresses, though.

PubOption September 30, 2012 at 2:05 pm

Math is hard.

kittensdontlie September 30, 2012 at 2:20 pm

"it would take me too long to go through all the math"

He is referring to a true marathon session of number crunching.

Not_Mother September 30, 2012 at 2:20 pm

"Look, Stench ain't giving away his tax evasion secrets to nobody, man. He's rich, he's white and he ain't Obama. That's all you need to know (looks at watch.) Now, I have a tee off time to make."

James Michael Curley October 1, 2012 at 5:46 am

“Watch this drive”

Doktor Zoom September 30, 2012 at 3:18 pm

Math has a well-known liberal bias.

James Michael Curley September 30, 2012 at 7:28 pm

Even Chris Wallace responded with eyebrows so high they met his hair line.

Doktor Zoom September 30, 2012 at 7:31 pm

That move would cause some of us no end of pain.

GunToting[Redacted] September 30, 2012 at 6:27 pm

I remember learning about imaginary numbers in school. It did take a long time.

James Michael Curley September 30, 2012 at 7:25 pm

Bush is known for “Math is hard!”Ryan will be known for “Math is too complicated for you 47% scum.”

Hera Sent Me September 30, 2012 at 1:21 pm

All we have to do now
Is take these lies
And make them true
Somehow

Who'd have guessed Christianists and George Michael think the same way?

shelwood46 September 30, 2012 at 5:38 pm

They both gotta have Faith.

miss_grundy September 30, 2012 at 7:08 pm

WHAM libel!

Lucidamente1 September 30, 2012 at 1:24 pm

This sounds like what you would learn about eighteenth-century England if you were high all the time and watched nothing but Blackadder the Third and Barry Lyndon.

wondering where i am September 30, 2012 at 5:05 pm

Why don't we try a social science experiment to try an bear that out. Sounds like fun.

ChessieNefercat September 30, 2012 at 1:32 pm

Their revolutions were different because we had "stability and unity during ours?!

That's an interesting interpretation of the word revolution.

PubOption September 30, 2012 at 2:06 pm

Sounds more like the P R I in Mexico.

Negropolis September 30, 2012 at 11:19 pm

Or any mainstream party in Iran.

SorosBot September 30, 2012 at 1:37 pm

Hey now, my girlfriend is already making me watch that little pony show; I don't need it from you too Dok!

PubOption September 30, 2012 at 3:47 pm

Has Princess Sparkle Pony returned?

102415 September 30, 2012 at 9:16 pm

Thank you for asking so didn't have to. Every time I see a little pony I worry about Petey. Maybe a big old box of porcelain carrots would get him back for a Cocktober visit to the old homestead.

Doktor Zoom September 30, 2012 at 3:51 pm

Wonkette is switching to an all-Pony format in mid-October.

True story.

kittensdontlie September 30, 2012 at 4:35 pm

Thanks. This dog and pony show of R/R was making me weary.

AbandonHope_ September 30, 2012 at 8:36 pm

When do we start calling Michele Bachmann "Derpy Hooves"?

Doktor Zoom October 1, 2012 at 12:59 am

IMMEDIATELY.

Sheesh, I may have to go back and retcon Friday's post about her…

Nah, she'll say something else stupid soon enough.

MissTaken October 1, 2012 at 11:29 am

Liar, you like it! You even have Pinkie Pie's song about Zecora as your ringtone!

She's an evil enchantress
And she does evil dances
And if you look deep in her eyes
She'll put you in trances

SorosBot October 1, 2012 at 11:44 am

You know I do; and now you've got that song stuck in my head yet again.

waffle911 October 3, 2012 at 4:09 am

Jesus would totally have been a brony. Just sayin.' Might've even just gone up to his dad and said, "You know what? Forget about vicariously writing that Holy Scripture through the the dreams and visions of random humans thing, I think they've pretty much covered the important points right here."

That's my argument to haters who happen to be religious. Anyone who hates ponies hates the good teachings of Jesus himself. It's like non-denominational Veggie Tales, but with better animation, voice acting, and writing.

"I think New Testament is a pretty cool guy. Eh dies for our sins and doesn't afraid of anything!"

cheetojeebus September 30, 2012 at 1:38 pm

If you had two copies of this book you could poop on one and cover it up with the 2nd copy. see, neat and tidy.

Joshua Norton September 30, 2012 at 1:40 pm

Charge up your Flux Capacitors, folks

If it's all the same to you, I'll wait for the TARDIS to swing by. Lots more room.

Guppy September 30, 2012 at 3:18 pm

Ehh… Doc Brown figured out time travel without having to violently vacillate between being Too Fucking British and American penis envy (though perhaps the two are the same?). I'll put up with the two-seater DeLorean with the screechy teenager.

eggsacklywright September 30, 2012 at 1:40 pm

Bet they'd take Anatole France literally.

"War without fire is an insipid thing, like tripe without mustard."

anniegetyerfun September 30, 2012 at 10:19 pm

Well, that has triggered another unusual craving, thanks. I thought my pregnancy-induced chocolate chip cookies + cream cheese craving might have been the limit.

bikerlaureate September 30, 2012 at 1:41 pm

In a word, America had the benefit of righteousness, a characteristic that always brings God’s blessing.

Foxe might disagree.
Or, God's blessing sometimes follows a torturous death…

Guppy September 30, 2012 at 3:19 pm

God's blessing sometimes follows a torturous death

Often someone else's!

CthuNHu September 30, 2012 at 5:15 pm

Martyrdom — it's the new blessing!

Joshua Norton September 30, 2012 at 1:42 pm

had become slaves to their own passions

I think I'd rather be a metaphorical "slave" than be an actual mind-controlled slave to a cult.

PsycWench September 30, 2012 at 4:51 pm

Maybe this information could get me to interest more freshmen in taking philosophy classes, seeing as how they're usually the last to fill up.

Dashboard Buddha September 30, 2012 at 2:02 pm

Gambling was the favorite indoor sport, while gin and beer were the favorite drinks (p. 330).

What…no buggery?

Doktor Zoom September 30, 2012 at 3:27 pm

Apparently that was limited to the Royal Navy, along with rum and the lash.

SpeedoFart September 30, 2012 at 10:24 pm

Abstinence only! Can't mention the buggery!

sufferinsuccotash September 30, 2012 at 2:06 pm

So how do you explain the 40 year interval between the Great Awakening and the American Revolution?
Of course if you demonize John Locke you also "discredit" an argument in favor of religious toleration.
I can hardly wait until the godless immoral French bail our God-fearing asses out during the American Revolution.

Doktor Zoom September 30, 2012 at 3:26 pm

This being a world history text, not specifically an American history text, the editors feel free to gloss over that little detail. The A Beka 8th-grade US history text mentioned in the footnote, Amercia: Land I Love, relegates Lafayette to a single paragraph about "gallant European military leaders" who helped out during the war for independence; there's also a brief mention of the "heavy debt" France ran up in helping the American cause, but no details about the extent of that help.

Jukesgrrl September 30, 2012 at 4:59 pm

Hasn't Rmoney been running for president for 40 years? Doesn't seem like that long a time using that metric.

owhatever September 30, 2012 at 2:14 pm

That shit was boring when I tried to read it in high school, was boring when I read it in college, and is still boring today. Needs less God and more sex, gin and cowbells.

Such as: John Locke was born nine months after a man and woman tangled in a sweaty screwing session, with his mother screaming so loud that she woke the people next door. When he was born, he had a penis, which he would often fondle into stiffness as he grew older, while having sex fantasies about the milkmaid and the goat. He concluded this was all natural, and thus grew the Age of Reason.

poorgradstudent September 30, 2012 at 2:16 pm

I'm sure the book doesn't mention how France was experiencing devastating famines at the same time the government was experimenting with radical economic liberalization policies (haven't you learned what happens when you pursue austerity measures in bad times, Europe?!). That helped Britain a bit.

Also I like the implication that God punished France for its immorality and godlessness by…allowing a Revolution to take place that ultimately made France more of a secular, pluralistic country. Oops.

Doktor Zoom September 30, 2012 at 3:19 pm

See how badly that turned out? They're STILL a godforsaken socialist hellhole where people lack the precious individual freedom to go bankrupt if they or a family member gets seriously ill. USA! USA! USA!

BlueStateLibel September 30, 2012 at 3:51 pm

And our Mittens bravely served there during the Vietnam War! What a hero…

LibertyLover September 30, 2012 at 9:24 pm

Well he did have to suffer the slings and arrows of protests against the war all while living in a castle.

TheGrandInquisitor September 30, 2012 at 2:32 pm

Needs moar nasty, brutish, and short.

Nostrildamus September 30, 2012 at 11:48 pm

10% shorter than 50 years ago, to be precise.

sbj1964 September 30, 2012 at 2:37 pm

Science,Logic,and Common sense. vs Ignorance,Superstition,and Fear.Time for Mankind to choose the world we want to live in.Stand ready this is our time.

Chow Yun Flat September 30, 2012 at 2:47 pm

Reading John Locke is always easier with gin chased by a beer or six.

Chet Kincaid_ September 30, 2012 at 2:50 pm

So there is no mention of Locke's faith in the Island, and how his death led to a Loophole which offered the Man In Black escape?! Or the significance of Penny as a Constant in Hume's disorienting perceptions of Time?! All I know is, the final chapter better be fuckin' good after they've strung us along!!

Doktor Zoom September 30, 2012 at 3:16 pm

I will give the editors of World History and Cultures In Christian Perspective this much: They have constructed a far more coherent narrative than J.J. Abrams did.

Mind you, no more realistic, but definitely more coherent.

Negropolis September 30, 2012 at 11:23 pm

And, what of the wheel? How could A Beka Books leave out the fuckin' wheel?! Really, you guys? And, nothing of Jacob, blessed be his name? Fie!

bobbert October 1, 2012 at 1:10 am

You know, I finally watched the sixth season on dvd, and I am dissapoint.

stly92 September 30, 2012 at 3:16 pm

Doc Zoom, I love your ponytastic header images.

Guppy September 30, 2012 at 3:20 pm

Now the Talibangelicals want to mess with our gin? They go too far!

BlueStateLibel September 30, 2012 at 3:47 pm

I'm sure glad there's no gambling in the USA! Speaking of which, Hopey is up to 77% for re-election on intrade.com.

johnnyzhivago September 30, 2012 at 4:18 pm

What about the part where Paul Revere set up a website to stop the libruls from implementing controls on assault muskets?

johnnyzhivago September 30, 2012 at 4:20 pm

I'm glad to see Paul Ryan using my BEST EXCUSE when I don't know what the fuck I'm talking about:

"It would take me too long to explain the Romney Tax Plan"

Chichikovovich September 30, 2012 at 5:13 pm

Yes, I'm constantly doing that myself. I'll send the most ingenious theorems to Mathematische Annalen or Journal of Symbolic Logic, and when they ask for proofs I tell them "I'm not going to go through all the math".

They never buy it. I should have gone into the Vice Presidentin' trade instead.

Doktor Zoom September 30, 2012 at 6:33 pm

We're all thinking of the same cartoon, I hope.

glasspusher October 1, 2012 at 12:44 am

Syd Harris. Excellent.

Doktor Zoom October 1, 2012 at 12:57 am

The interwebs doesn't seem to have my favorite Harris cartoon: A scientist in a lab coat is standing up in the middle of a theater showing a star-wars-y spaceship laser battle movie, waving his arms and shouting, "Space is a vacuum! It wouldn't go "Kaboom"!"

shelwood46 September 30, 2012 at 5:54 pm

Ryan is every kid in 8th grade Algebra: "You want me to show my work? This is bullshit."

BlueStateLibel September 30, 2012 at 8:50 pm

Also works well with the spouse when you come home tipsy at 3 am. "It would take me too long to explain…"

bobbert September 30, 2012 at 10:02 pm

–CLANG–

Maman September 30, 2012 at 4:22 pm

"while gin and beer were the favorite drinks"

Does it really need to be re-iterated that at this time in history Water = DEATH? Really, Xtians. You should have been so lucky for a little Blue Ruin.

sewollef October 1, 2012 at 9:02 am

'sackly!

I remember back in the 15th century, my great, great, great, great, great, [...how many's that....] grandfather telling me they only drank mead or something in my village of Barton-upon-Irwell, in the county of the White Rose [Lancashire] during the ascendancy of the Tudor dynasty, etc, etc. It was because they used to throw their dead stuff and poo into the water 'supply' [when they weren't throwing it out the window into the street]. And then they died from drinking it.

Then were smart back then and eventually realised water was bad and evil, so they drank beer and mead. Oh, and hardly ever washed in bad and evil water, because it was bad and evil.

Sex must have been fun, if a little smelly.

shylocxs September 30, 2012 at 4:31 pm

Pity, those darn French were need for the American War of Independence to be successful.

Jukesgrrl September 30, 2012 at 5:02 pm

Today is the start of Banned Books Week. I was always against banning books … until Doktor Zoom introduced me to some books worth banning.

azeyote September 30, 2012 at 5:14 pm

where do i sign up – man i've smoked so much that this stuff is soundin out there – kinda a bummer though

CthuNHu September 30, 2012 at 5:20 pm

"…righteousness, a characteristic that always brings God’s blessing."

Huh. I guess we all owe Hitler an apology. Apparently all six million of those Jews had it coming.

Our bad.

proudgrampa September 30, 2012 at 6:10 pm

So if God wrote the Constitution, can anyone explain how He came up with something as stupid as the Electoral College?

M. Bouffant September 30, 2012 at 6:13 pm

Sure. It was designed to give the stupids who live in states that are mostly prairie & mostly populated by cattle & sheep a fair shake at reducing the national intelligence.

proudgrampa September 30, 2012 at 6:46 pm

Well, it looks as if it worked, eh?

bobbert September 30, 2012 at 10:05 pm

Re-read the blueprints for the Ark, or the Temple. Not a detail guy, God.

Chichikovovich September 30, 2012 at 6:13 pm

Since Hume is mentioned, I'd like to share with you my personal dream, which I will put into action as soon as I become Romney-rich by forming an investment firm and draining some pension funds while steering a few dozen companies into bankruptcy.

In every hotel room in the world, next to the copy of the Gideon Society Bible, there will be a copy of the Chichikovovich Society Hume's Essay On Miracles.

That's all. Thanks for letting me share my dream with you.

Barbara_ October 1, 2012 at 11:21 am

My dream is chocolate covered chocolate. It's like we are twinsies! Well, maybe not so much.

BTWBFDIMHO September 30, 2012 at 6:36 pm

What kind of strange guillotine is hanging from the top of that painting?

BTWBFDIMHO September 30, 2012 at 6:44 pm

Je suis Marie Antoniette et je approve le livre.

mormos September 30, 2012 at 7:01 pm

“The last resort a man has recourse to in the conduct of himself is his understanding”

i'm getting this tattooed on my arm.
also to the doktor: welcome to the herd and brohoof!

cheetojeebus September 30, 2012 at 7:57 pm

OT So, the dude who allegedly assaulted Lindsay Lohan is an aid to Shimkus and was recently photographed with Ryan.

JCE1985 September 30, 2012 at 8:20 pm

I still can't get over how much of the would-be villainous stuff in this textbook actually resonates with me.

Aside from all the murderous actions of war and whatnot. But whatever, they can't really spin that. Oh wait, they can? Shiiit.

BZ1 September 30, 2012 at 8:26 pm

The hand of God, really? did he/she leave fingerprints??

Negropolis September 30, 2012 at 11:26 pm

Show me on this doll where The Lord touched you, son…

BloviateMe September 30, 2012 at 8:31 pm

So, was Benedict Arnold satan himself, or just an upper tier demon, attempting to thwart God's will?

KeepFnThatChicken September 30, 2012 at 8:35 pm

I want to hear more about how science is satanic.

gingerland62 September 30, 2012 at 8:53 pm

They are just mad because Catholicism is the ONE true religion of Jesus. I know it's true because Sister Annuciata told me. Just ask Pope Adolph.

anniegetyerfun September 30, 2012 at 9:02 pm

By the turn of the 18th century the English people had more freedom than they had known at any time before in their history but because they had left the teachings of the Bible and had become slaves to their own passions.

Blueb4sinrise September 30, 2012 at 9:48 pm

Excellent.

Negropolis September 30, 2012 at 11:27 pm

They really should have let you proofread this thing. I mean, look at the one error you caught.

mille derps September 30, 2012 at 9:34 pm

I have one leetle question about these books… Assuming they are actually being used in classrooms & for homeschooling- HOW MANY children are actually larnin' about the world from these texts?

Jukesgrrl September 30, 2012 at 10:43 pm

Thank the voters the answer is not, "All of them, Katie."

BloviateMe September 30, 2012 at 9:42 pm

It's eerily similar to that Family Guy episode with the old text book: "Civil Rights: Trouble Ahead."

Negropolis September 30, 2012 at 10:35 pm

Okay, that's probably the best Wonkette photoshop I've seen in my time, here.

Doktor Zoom October 1, 2012 at 12:51 am

Sadly, I cannot take credit. Stolen joyfully from teh googles: http://www.funnyjunk.com/channel/ponytime/Jesus+A

Negropolis September 30, 2012 at 10:37 pm

You actually could learn a lot about world history from World History, even if you dismiss the Creationist nonsense, the relentless anti-Catholicism, and the obsession with connecting historical events to the ideological hobby-horses of the modern American religious right.

Yeah, and besides that, Mrs. Lincoln, how was the play?

They really don't deserve any kind of deference. The bullshit is inextricably linked to the factual history. It's not worth the time or money to pull it out. I mean, I guess it's technically possible to get red wine stains out of a white cloth couch, too.

bobbert October 1, 2012 at 1:12 am

Hell, it's just High School history.

ttommyunger September 30, 2012 at 11:12 pm

Such a cop-out to worship the Bible, or any other book. Bible-Thumpers are the fucking worst kind of boor imaginable. I've known several who insisted that God could not do anything contrary to the "Word of God". I pressed them on the point stating that in that case, God is not, in fact, omnipotent. Crickets….Mental weaklings.

Negropolis September 30, 2012 at 11:28 pm

Oh, the whole "Could God make a rock so heavy that even he couldn't lift it" type dealy? There's an app for that.

But, really, only God knows. Oh, and The Shadow. Yeah, only The Shadow knows. Too. Also.

ttommyunger September 30, 2012 at 11:40 pm

Such lead-ins are great in you're into group masturbation. I run like the fucking wind when I hear that shit coming down the pike.

Negropolis September 30, 2012 at 11:44 pm

Maths is hard!

ttommyunger September 30, 2012 at 11:48 pm

Almost as hard as a Preacher's dick.Sent from the Field, not in Garrison.

BloviateMe September 30, 2012 at 11:42 pm

Back in my Mary Jane days, I got stuck on the whole "if God created us from nothing, what IS nothing?"

I still don't have an answer.

Trippy.

Negropolis September 30, 2012 at 11:47 pm

The way I was always heard it from believers was that God was the catalyst for the Big Bang kind of punching his way through, which opens the door to all kinds of crazy multi-verses.

They have an answer for just about everything, needless to say.

BloviateMe October 1, 2012 at 2:32 am

…but that's the thing, if there was a god to punch through, then there never really was a nothing…if anything, just a pocket of nothing he/she punched into…which means nothing in a nothing argument. There's either nothing, or not nothing.

Like, fuck…you're freaking me out. Stop man, just order the god damned pizza.

bobbert October 1, 2012 at 1:08 am

Well done, although probably fruitless. They'll likely just blank.

If you get another shot, point out to them that saying God cannot do anything "contrary to the Word of God" is fucking blasphemy, because who are they to tell God what the "Word of God" is?

ttommyunger October 1, 2012 at 8:06 am

I try not to wrestle with pigs….Sent from the Field, not in Garrison.

Nostrildamus September 30, 2012 at 11:49 pm

Pic needs moar gunz.

Negropolis September 30, 2012 at 11:52 pm

OT: Fan bites Danny Bonaduce at Wash. state casino

Is this how the end begins?

Doktor Zoom October 1, 2012 at 12:40 am

Danny Bonaduce is like a human version of that one retail location where no business ever makes a go of it. One wonders if somehow the Brady Bunch's Tiki Curse somehow missed that show's cast members and attached itself to him instead.

BaldarTFlagass October 1, 2012 at 9:35 am

There's a few of those accursed-business places around here. I reckon they must be built on old Indian burial grounds.

Chichikovovich October 1, 2012 at 8:53 am

The few remaining survivors will look back on this as the beginning of the Zombie Apocalypse.

It was the day we learned that biting Danny Bonaduce turns you into a zombie.

iburl October 1, 2012 at 12:16 am

It makes it kind of obvious why there is a war on teachers when the very concept of "Enlightenment" itself is the greatest enemy to humans throughout history.

I'm sure the first cavemen to discover fire were beaten to death by the fundamentalists in their troop.

I should write a history book.

bobbert October 1, 2012 at 12:53 am

You'll probably be beaten to death with history books.

VinnyThePooh October 1, 2012 at 12:24 am

By the turn of the 18th century the English people had more freedom than they had known at any time before in their history but they had left the teachings of the Bible and had become slaves to their own passions.

The blame is squarely on those heathen capitalists of the Dutch East India Company. Does anybody think the Brits were going to sit and be obedient Christians while fluyt after fluyt was passing through the Channel, filling the warehouses of Amsterdam with all those goodies acquired from afar?

bobbert October 1, 2012 at 12:52 am

Damn, I like Amsterdam.

mille derps October 1, 2012 at 1:18 am

Nostalgic for Romneybot 1.0?
http://www.time.com/time/specials/2007/romney_gaf

Jennyjen798 October 1, 2012 at 2:53 am

Now, how do we cheer for Jesus, Fluttershy?

Fluttershy: yay…
http://youtu.be/DLTZctTG6cE

valthemus October 1, 2012 at 3:13 am

Bottom line: you can probably learn more about history from watching Mr. Peabody and Sherman with their Wayback Machine than you can by reading a Christianist history textbook.

James Michael Curley October 1, 2012 at 6:13 am

Doktor you are fortunate in that after reading this crap for us you can prescribe and administer your own mental high colonic purge.

menopausemafia October 1, 2012 at 7:18 am

And it is the fault of white men….not just white men but old white men….wait, wait, not just old white men, but old white heterosexual men. There, now you don't have to read any more Wonkette stuff.

BaldarTFlagass October 1, 2012 at 8:06 am

"moral depravity is the only possible reason for all that gin and beer; any other explanations, such as rapid urbanization, social upheaval, the huge profits to be made by distilleries, or widespread poverty"

Also, the water available for drinking was pretty horribly contaminated due to lack of knowledge about sanitation (i.e. cesspits in close proximity to water wells).

sullivanst October 1, 2012 at 8:51 am

I believe it was Jeremy Clarkson who once observed that without beer, civilization would have been impossible, at least the modern, urban form of civilization. Probably not an original thought of his, but he's the first person I'd heard express it in such simple terms.

sullivanst October 1, 2012 at 8:47 am

So the British avoided bloody revolution? That'll probably come as a surprise to Zombie Charles I. I suppose we're not supposed to mention that because Cromwell was a devout puritan but this didn't stop him from descending into extreme brutality (pro tip: don't say anything nice about Cromwell in an Irish pub, it's unlikely to end well, although that may not matter much to the A Beka people, what with those Irish being heathen Papists and all).

delaney_blom October 1, 2012 at 9:57 am

Yeah, I was looking forward to a passage about how Cromwell nearly saved the English from all that "reason" and "enlightenment"

delaney_blom October 1, 2012 at 9:55 am

Hmmm. Beer and gin or sewage-infested water? WWJD?

GeorgiaMike October 1, 2012 at 12:25 pm

Boy howdy, I can hardly wait till they come out with their biology book, telling us all about the nasty lady parts Jeebus wants us to avoid. And economics, with the secrets of how Gawd wants us to be rich and keep it all away from the poorz.

carlgt1 October 1, 2012 at 2:12 pm

"Gambling was the favorite indoor sport, while gin and beer were the favorite drinks"

So basically this history was written by glancing at William Hogarth prints?

Doktor Zoom September 30, 2012 at 3:57 pm

Trust me, with this crew, you don't need a lot of imagination to make an accurate prediction.

glasspusher October 1, 2012 at 12:31 am

PV = nRT, bitches…

glasspusher October 1, 2012 at 12:50 am

Ok, so it's not the Mark of Cain, then. Funny!

bobbert October 1, 2012 at 12:51 am

Jumpin Jack Flash…

Guppy October 1, 2012 at 1:14 am

I though the Mark of Cain was 999.

Lascauxcaveman October 1, 2012 at 2:07 am

I completely lose my head over Jeremy Bentham.

Negropolis October 1, 2012 at 6:21 am

I guess it depends on the Christian you're talking to. I've known folks that take "nothing" to literally mean no thing, in which their opinion totally doens't make any kind of scientific or even just basic physical sense. And then others that simply believe that "nothing" to mean the unformed universe/cosmic egg with the catalyst being the supernatural.

I've actually known more of the latter where how the universe was started and the other starting stuff in the Bible is not literal, rather an allegory, and don't really mean anything in the grand scheme of things. These types are far less concerned with the "how" and far more concerned with the destination. I'm not a Christian, myself, but growing up with the less literal types where I live, I have a more nuanced view of them than their most vocal (read: crazy) brethern who seem to suck up all of the oxygen.

Some them simply don't care much about the mental masturbation concerning the beginnings of the universe or the history of man. I'm still trying to gather whethere this lack of curiosity is a bad thing or a good thing, but I'd guess in the context of religion it makes them a lot more bearable to non-religious people like myself.

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