Mormons Apparently Not Allowed To Do Sex With Their Mouths

  oral pleasure

Even better than leaning up against the washing machineGeneral JC Christian, Patriot, points us to these sad LDS sex-rules that are doubtless responsible for making Miffed and Egg Romney such delightful humans to be around:

LDS President Harold B. Lee: I was shocked to have you raise the question about ‘oral lovemaking in the genital area among married couples.’ Heaven forbid any such degrading activities which would be abhorrent in the sight of the Lord. For any Latter-day Saint, and particularly those who have been taught in the sacred ordinances of the temple, to engage in any kind of perversions of this sacred God-given gift of procreation, would be sure to bring down the condemnation of the Lord whom we would offend were we to engage in any such practice.

Even Pat Robertson thinks it is cool by God if ladies suck on and fondle their husbands’ penises and balls!

Meanwhile, Josh Fruhlinger claims with no firsthand evidence that Mormon teens do a thing! “It is called ‘parking’ and it involves a boy putting his thingie in a girl’s hoo-hah but then the two of them remain absolutely still. According to mormon teen lore, this means it doesn’t count, for god.” IS THIS TRUE? Well, it has an entry in UrbanDictionary, so OBVIOUSLY IT IS TRUE.

We are sad for you today, Mormons. Maybe you could be more like Catholics, and just do whatever you like! (Like vote for Obama even though Kathryn Jean Lopez and some bishop say that will imperil your eternal soul.)

[PatriotBoy]

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298 comments

    1. Isyaignert

      Funny Uncle Pat Robertson also said God's cool with it if you fuk around on your spouse if they have Alzheimer's, since they'd never know the difference.

      Slightly OT, but he also said cannabis should be legal, so he has brief moments of lucid thought in his otherwise severely damaged reptilian brain.

  1. actor212

    “It is called ‘parking’ and it involves a boy putting his thingie in a girl’s hoo-hah but then the two of them remain absolutely still. According to mormon teen lore, this means it doesn’t count, for god.”

    So they're Tantrists?

    STING LIBEL!!!!!!

    1. WhatTheHeck

      Its got nothing to do with the size of your boat, but everything to do with the motion of the ocean.
      Mind you, if you are good at Yoga, it has everything to do with position and getting into said position.

      1. Baconzgood

        I've been known to tell the lil' lady to "wrap your thighs around my eyes so I can get some tongue exercise"

      1. Baconzgood

        I don't know about other men, I for one am proud to roll up the sleeves and get the job done when asked (and sometimes just to surprise her).

      2. SayItWithWookies

        I'm sure there are some men who don't enjoy it — but giving a woman a screaming, flailing, brain-tingling stuck-to-the-ceiling orgasm is something I'd do every day, with pleasure.

    1. PsycWench

      Somewhere around here I have a 1998 Letter to the Editor of our local paper in which a man denounces an attempt to overturn anti-sodomy laws and equates oral sex to pedophilia, bestiality and rape. I sure hope he was married before he wrote that letter.
      No, wait, I don't hope any such thing, I would not visit a fellow female with such a lifemate as that.

      1. SorosBot

        And from a few years later my former Senator and nationwide embarrassment to the state said pretty much the same thing. Glad we kicked his sorry ass out, and it's scary that he came in 2nd for the GOP nomination.

    1. actor212

      I hope they do a town hall debate and some smart ass in the audience asks Mitt about this: "Governor Romney, why don't you like kissing your wife on her love canal?"

  2. EatsBabyDingos

    Mormon's don't drink alcohol, but the boys like a good Dicken's Cider can or the popular Dicken's Cider jugs.

  3. Barbara_

    The only time that Jeff puts his thingy in my hoo-hah and we remain absolutely still is when the damn Mormons ring the doorbell and we want them to think we aren't home. Then we count to twenty and go back at it.

    1. Toomush_Infer

      Barb, if you just answer the door in your altogether, they will go away and never come back – worked for my friend when the Seventh Day Adventists came over….

      1. Barbara_

        TooMush,, I love that idea, thanks!
        I have an intercom system and sometimes I just shout rude stuff and they leave. Works for in-laws too, bonus!

  4. glasspusher

    I had a good friend in Florida who looked like Donny Osmond. So much so that Ms. glasspusher said she couldn't look at him without thinking about Donny, saying that he didn't accept blowjobs…

      1. glasspusher

        Maybe we could set up some kind of clearinghouse for the Mormons, a network of guys who will accept stuff the Mormon guys can't/won't. Everybody wins!

      1. SorosBot

        Plus, you know, virgins. I'd much rather have ladies who knew what they were doing.

        Worst religion though were the Shakers; mandatory celibacy for all. Strange that there are no more of them.

        1. CommieLibunatic

          As the Ordinary Muslim Man meme once said, "I will spend an eternity with 72 virgins… at this Magic: The Gathering tournament."

    1. Chichikovovich

      According, to some chronicler named Nestor, [take all these old tales with a grain of salt] before Vladimir I of Kiev settled on Christianity as a religion to replace paganism in (what would become) the Ukraine and Russia, he invited envoys from all other religions of the area to make a case for theirs. He rejected Islam because, as he put it: "Drinking is the joy of all Rus'. We cannot exist without that pleasure."

      It's just as well there was no Mormonism at the time, or his grave would still be shaking from the laughter.

      1. Lucidamente1

        Though I read somewhere that Vlad was intrigued by the whole four wives thing, but was then put off by the ban on booze. Bros before hos, po russki?

    2. AnAmericanInTO

      Say what you will about Catholocism, and I do, but at least they have wine during the mass. And from 2nd Grade on you better believe I partook.

        1. docterry6973

          And they EAT FOOD with that same mouth? Good golly Miss Molly. I had better not tell Mrs. Docterry about this.

  5. EatsBabyDingos

    I heard Mitt had sex with a one eyed prostitute in her eye socket, so that'd be okay.

    When Mitt told her it was the best he'd ever had, she told him to come on back any time, saying "I'll keep an eye out for you, Mitt."

  6. ph7

    any such degrading activities which would be abhorrent in the sight of the Lord.

    The good news is reverse cowboy is very pleasing in the sight of the Lord (he likes to watch).

  7. ndayspring

    A former Morman friend of mine told me about parking a couple of years ago, although she called it "floating."

  8. coolhandnuke

    I've encountered many a Mormon lass who enjoys parking, parallel parking, double parking, handicapped parking, free parking and Parker Posey.

    1. Lascauxcaveman

      I remember the parking thing from my teen years. Unfortunately it, it didn't involve any parking. But the necking and groping was pretty fun, if a bit awkward at times.

  9. Beowoof

    Hey enjoying the reaction of the ladies who I have done that for far beats any thing Mormons could do for me. Of course I don't buy any of their bullshit so there is that.

  10. thefrontpage

    If you've ever dated a Mormon girl–and I've dated three or four of them–you'll learn that they are wild in bed, they love sex–and they love oral sex. That's a fact.

    Also, you know no one really cares about this "rule" that's cited because everyone knows that Jenna Jameson, Ron Jeremy, John Holmes, Linda Lovelace and Fallin are, or were, Mormons!

    The Mormons love their oral sex!

    1. SayItWithWookies

      I saw a Mormon woman being interviewed on some news show and she said when she was in high school that just about every girl on her street got pregnant — so whatever they're not doing, they're not doing it wrong.

      1. SkinnyNerd

        Sorry, I just read that 15 minutes before I saw this post. Maybe the Mormons are planting super gonorrhea in our pharynges?

  11. Mittens Howell, III

    Ewww! Even saying they DON'T do it brought up the mental image of them doing it.

    Scrubbing brush, Lysol, meet brain.

  12. Oblios_Cap

    Damn. That Joseph Smith was a silver-tongued devil to get people to give up so much cool stuff. If only he had put his tongue to some other use than fleecing the fucking ignporant, the world would be a better place today.

    1. DaveJ

      Go read some (non LDS authorized) biographies of Joseph Smith. Dude was a PLAYER. Most of the Mormons' early problems in NY, Illinois, etc. were not due to any real theological problems, but that Joseph Smith was pretty much banging every woman he saw, all day, every day.

  13. OkieDokieDog

    Well no wonder Queen Ann of Rmoney is such an uptight frigid bitch. She's never had any oral lovemaking from her uptight frigid bitch of a husband, because Jeebus and Joseph Smith

    1. MaxNeanderthal

      I think "Good Morning Vietnam" says it all- "More in need of a blowjob than any white man I ever saw"

  14. Freewayblogger

    When Santorum first started spouting off against sodomy I called his office and asked about oral sex between man and wife and the sweet-young-thang on the phone giggled a bit, asked someone else there and then reported back that they "thought it was okay." "Hot Damn!" I yelled out… "Honey? Great News!"

    It really does help when they spell these things out for us.

      1. SorosBot

        Saddlebacking – the term for the phenomenon of Christian teens engaging in unprotected anal sex in order to preserve their virginities. Named after Saddleback Churh, home of the Reverend Rick Warren, who is a proponent of abstinence education, the "sex ed" that has convinced so many Christian girls and boys that buttfucking isn't actually sex.
        http://www.urbandictionary.com/define.php?term=Sa

  15. mmeetoilenoir

    Hypocrites. The Mormons talk about worshipping God, and everyone knows that us ladies have Heaven between our legs, so these men better get to it. How else will they get their private planet?

    I had an ex who didn't believe in giving oral. He also thought that sex was supposed to be like a porn movie. I didn't know that that was a thing. :(

    1. actor212

      Clearly he watched the wrong kind of porn, because I can't recall a film that didn't have at least one tongue lashing.

      I mean, that's what my friends told me….

      1. mmeetoilenoir

        Oh, I dumped him, alright, but not before he blamed ME for not following the script and being suitably pornstar-esque. I also got freaked out by his conspiracist tendencies.

        Funny…he's still trying to pop up and talk to me, years later. However, there are no fucks to give for that kind of foolishness, so I don't respond.

  16. CommieDad

    Wait a second. My wife and I conceived all our children by oral sex. At least, I mean, she said that… isn't that how it's done? Oh fuck.

    1. Caveat_Echinos

      You kidding? Masturbation is WRONG WRONG WRONG! Which is why they send to 19 year old men at the peak of their sexual awakening together on their missions. It's not masturbation if someone else is doing it for you.

      Vibrators during couple's sex play? And risk the woman getting off? She might forget her place!

  17. Terry

    "LDS President Harold B. Lee: I was shocked to have you raise the question about ‘oral lovemaking in the genital area among married couples.’ Heaven forbid any such degrading activities which would be abhorrent in the sight of the Lord. For any Latter-day Saint, and particularly those who have been taught in the sacred ordinances of the temple, to engage in any kind of perversions of this sacred God-given gift of procreation, would be sure to bring down the condemnation of the Lord whom we would offend were we to engage in any such practice."

    Sure, but instituting polygamy in your church so you can schtupp teenaged girls is A-OK.

  18. Baconzgood

    "a boy putting his thingie in a girl’s hoo-hah but then the two of them remain absolutely still"

    Actually I think that is a tantric sex position that is supposed to give you both amazing orgasm but it takes hours to achieve.

    1. mayor_quimby

      That's just the trick us guys use so we can get in there, after that good luck to either party with that staying still bullshit. It's the Mormon version of 'just the tip'

    2. ChessieNefercat

      "Actually I think that is a tantric sex position that is supposed to give you both amazing orgasm but it takes hours to achieve"

      Yes, and I'm sure that your average, repressed, ignorant, Mormon teens would be well-versed in the subtle nuances of sexual psychology and physiology that would make this concept successful. Especially since patience in that situation is the hallmark of adolescent male sex.

    1. TakomaDC

      I think they'd be rather saved from the frustration of dealing with a moron, I mean "Mormon" who doesn't know what he's doing.

  19. elviouslyqueer

    Maybe you could be more like Catholics, and just do whatever you like! (Like vote for Obama even though Kathryn Jean Lopez and some bishop say that will imperil your eternal soul.)

    Exactly. Because I depend entirely on a bunch of old, celibate, unmarried men who spend an inordinate amount of time smoking prepubescent boycock to tell me that my almost-20-year relationship with my partner is morally wrong and not worthy of being called a "marriage."

  20. chicken_thief

    "Mitt, I'll bet you $10,000 that you've convinced the little lady that that rule is bullshit."

    ~ Perrywinkle, sent via iPhone from Niggerhead

  21. KeepFnThatChicken

    oral lovemaking in the genital area among married couples

    Great verbiage there, Mormon preacher man. Are there any Mormons that won't fail a Turing test?!

  22. rickmaci

    Don't think the kids get the message. Known a few LDS girls in my time. Let's just say they were regular parking lots. LMAO.

  23. teebob2000

    I disagree that God disapproves. When my wife's blowing me (which she does SPECTACULARLY, BTW) I invoke the Lord pretty much non-stop.

  24. rickmaci

    Her. "Why don't we have sex like they do in the movies?
    Him. Turned her face down, slapped her on the fanny, pulled her head back by her hair and proceeded to ride like a wild cowboy.

    Seems they were not watching the same kind of movies.

  25. Not_So_Much

    I've also heard 'parking' referred to as 'soaking'. I don't know if it's a "True Thing" or not.

    Most of the young Mo's I know are so scared of their 'swimsuit area' that I'm a bit skeptical.

  26. SayItWithWookies

    You'd think a religion where everybody has to lie all the time about what they do would keep people humble — but no, it turns some of 'em into self-righteous assholes and the rest into climbing-the-walls uptight orgasm-free crazies.

    1. shelwood46

      I especially enjoyed Egg's fellow Mormon women ripping into her for her "improper" outfit she wore on Leno. Not because it was a leather nightmare, but because she couldn't possibly be wearing her magic underwear under it, according to them. Hee.

  27. Mumbletypeg

    We need Ted "my face is a Maserati and you're the garage" Nugent's crucial opinion inserted into the discussion if the Repub's are ever gonna wriggle out of this one.

    1. ThundercatHo

      You must be old like me. I remember reading it when I was a teenager but don't really remember what it was about …something, Ivy League co-eds,something.

  28. TakomaDC

    I guess Warren Jeffs never got that particular memo. But now that he's in prison for life + 20 yrs – I'm sure he'll be obeying his bible to the letter.

  29. CommieLibunatic

    Slightly off-topic, but that bishop linked at the end (naturally) opposes gay rights… as he is pictured wearing a pink skullcap. Oy.

  30. Hammiepants

    I do not want to live in a world with no oral, either getting or giving. This is a glimpse into a hell dimension that fills me with utter horror (I am not snarking here – dead serious).

  31. natoslug

    I'm surprised I got my wife to quit the church before she was excommunicated then, because she was, and is, a regular hoover.

  32. SaintRond

    Jesus Christ All Mighty, What the hell's the point of having a shitload of teenage wives if you can't eat them out? If God didn't want us to eat them out, he wouldn't have made them taste so good.

  33. ThundercatHo

    Quick poll: How many of you wonks would sacrifice a lifetime of blowjobs in order to get your own planet (maybe)?

    1. Dashboard Buddha

      Only if that planet was shaped like a beautiful woman's mouth and was prepared to blow me forever. Otherwise, no deal.

  34. LibertyLover

    I am curious about this parking thingy… what if one has to shift gears? Or forgets to set the parking brake?

  35. thejazzmonger

    Didn't we learn anything from the growth and prosperity during the Clinton Administration? The president should be getting blowjobs as frequently as security briefings.

    Cigars optional.

  36. Nesnora

    The filthiest (and worst), bestselling modern Mormon authors today wrote 'Twilight' and '50 Shades of Grey'. This is how Mormons fantasize (actual quotes):

    "My inner goddess fist pumps the air above her chaise lounge"

    "His finger circled my puckered love cave. "Are you ready?" He mewled smirking at me like a mother hamster about to eat her three legged young"

    “Does this mean you’re going to make love to me tonight, Christian?” Holy shit. Did I just say that? His mouth drops open slightly, but he recovers quickly. “No, Anastasia it doesn’t. Firstly, I don’t make love. I fuck… hard. Secondly, there’s a lot more paperwork to do, and thirdly, you don’t yet know what you’re in for. You could still run for the hills. Come, I want to show you my playroom.” My mouth drops open. Fuck hard! Holy shit, that sounds so… hot. But why are we looking at a playroom? I am mystified. “You want to play on your Xbox?” I ask. He laughs, loudly. “No, Anastasia, no Xbox, no Playstation. Come.” … Producing a key from his pocket, he unlocks yet another door and takes a deep breath.“You can leave anytime. The helicopter is on stand-by to take you whenever you want to go, you can stay the night and go home in the morning. It’s fine whatever you decide.” “Just open the damn door, Christian.” He opens the door and stands back to let me in. I gaze at him once more. I so want to know what’s in here. Taking a deep breath I walk in. And it feels like I’ve time-traveled back to the sixteenth century and the Spanish Inquisition. Holy fuck.”

    1. Negropolis

      Wait, is that last one an actual excerpt from 50 Shades of Meh? I heard that the writing was bad. I didn't know it was this bad. "Holy fuck", indeed.

    1. Generation[redacted]

      If that question doesn't get asked in the first debate, the MSM will have lost all credibility.

  37. ChessieNefercat

    Jesus, mouth agape, saying to Dad, "WTF?" Where in the hell did they get that idea?

    (Lucifer, laughing in the corner…)

  38. Caveat_Echinos

    All I see in my head is LDS President Harold B Lee looking around at the men surrounding him, saying "watch this",and penning this reply while laughing his ass off with total troll face.

    ""Evil Behavior" no, no "Disgusting actions" no… How about "degrading activities which would be abhorrent"!!! Perfect! This poor boy's pecker is gonna need a baptism… for the dead!!!" Other men erupt in cheers and laughter.

    * I was raised in Utah, as non LDS. I have no love for that religion.

  39. Caveat_Echinos

    When I was a teen, I would attend church with my best friend. Us damn atheists get bored on Sundays.

    Our favorite game was to add "in bed" to the end of hymn names – like fortune cookies only a lot more evil. Try it: http://www.lds.org/cm/catalogsearchalpha/1,17929,…

    Come come ye saints, in bed
    O My Father in Bed
    Arise O god and Shine in bed
    How firm a foundation in bed

  40. Schmegeg

    Wait, these guys have nine wives, so let us presume there is some three way and up action.. What exactly is happening, then?

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