ORAL PLEASURE  11:19 am September 28, 2012

Mormons Apparently Not Allowed To Do Sex With Their Mouths

by Rebecca Schoenkopf

Even better than leaning up against the washing machineGeneral JC Christian, Patriot, points us to these sad LDS sex-rules that are doubtless responsible for making Miffed and Egg Romney such delightful humans to be around:

LDS President Harold B. Lee: I was shocked to have you raise the question about ‘oral lovemaking in the genital area among married couples.’ Heaven forbid any such degrading activities which would be abhorrent in the sight of the Lord. For any Latter-day Saint, and particularly those who have been taught in the sacred ordinances of the temple, to engage in any kind of perversions of this sacred God-given gift of procreation, would be sure to bring down the condemnation of the Lord whom we would offend were we to engage in any such practice.

Even Pat Robertson thinks it is cool by God if ladies suck on and fondle their husbands’ penises and balls!

Meanwhile, Josh Fruhlinger claims with no firsthand evidence that Mormon teens do a thing! “It is called ‘parking’ and it involves a boy putting his thingie in a girl’s hoo-hah but then the two of them remain absolutely still. According to mormon teen lore, this means it doesn’t count, for god.” IS THIS TRUE? Well, it has an entry in UrbanDictionary, so OBVIOUSLY IT IS TRUE.

We are sad for you today, Mormons. Maybe you could be more like Catholics, and just do whatever you like! (Like vote for Obama even though Kathryn Jean Lopez and some bishop say that will imperil your eternal soul.)

[PatriotBoy]

 
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{ 298 comments }

actor212 September 28, 2012 at 11:21 am

Even Pat Robertson thinks it is cool by God if ladies suck on and fondle their husbands’ penises and balls!

I just threw up in my mouth a little.

glasspusher September 28, 2012 at 11:27 am

That's the correct response.

eggsacklywright September 28, 2012 at 11:28 am

What's Oral Roberts' take on this?

Beowoof September 28, 2012 at 11:31 am

Swallow.

actor212 September 28, 2012 at 11:32 am

"Don't talk with your mouth full"

YasserArraFeck September 28, 2012 at 11:38 am

Let's ask his cousin, Anal Roberts

boskolives October 30, 2012 at 7:38 pm

What about his brother Anal Roberts' casting a brown eye on the whole thing?

chicken_thief September 28, 2012 at 11:29 am

Hey, it worked for Jim Baker.

actor212 September 28, 2012 at 11:32 am

Both in and out of prison!

Toomush_Infer September 28, 2012 at 11:37 am

better your mouth….

Isyaignert September 28, 2012 at 11:57 am

Funny Uncle Pat Robertson also said God's cool with it if you fuk around on your spouse if they have Alzheimer's, since they'd never know the difference.

Slightly OT, but he also said cannabis should be legal, so he has brief moments of lucid thought in his otherwise severely damaged reptilian brain.

GunToting[Redacted] September 28, 2012 at 12:01 pm

A little?

Nostrildamus September 28, 2012 at 12:26 pm

OK, for my next Beej we'll just imagine Pat smiling down at us.

actor212 September 28, 2012 at 11:22 am

“It is called ‘parking’ and it involves a boy putting his thingie in a girl’s hoo-hah but then the two of them remain absolutely still. According to mormon teen lore, this means it doesn’t count, for god.”

So they're Tantrists?

STING LIBEL!!!!!!

YasserArraFeck September 28, 2012 at 11:38 am

Sting loves getting to third bass

actor212 September 28, 2012 at 11:43 am

*facepalm*

WhatTheHeck September 28, 2012 at 11:56 am

Its got nothing to do with the size of your boat, but everything to do with the motion of the ocean.
Mind you, if you are good at Yoga, it has everything to do with position and getting into said position.

starfanglednut September 28, 2012 at 2:23 pm

Stings aTantrist? Christ, I didn't think that guy could get any more boring.

actor212 September 28, 2012 at 4:00 pm
Baconzgood September 28, 2012 at 11:22 am

Reason 3,521 why I'll never be a Morman. I like kissing lady parts.

actor212 September 28, 2012 at 11:23 am

I'd upfist you harder, but you know…

ManchuCandidate September 28, 2012 at 11:25 am

Exactly.

Plus no booze.

eggsacklywright September 28, 2012 at 11:29 am

Really. Mega buzz-kill.

Terry September 28, 2012 at 11:37 am

Or caffeine. And you have to call pimply faced teenaged boys "Elder"

Isyaignert September 28, 2012 at 11:58 am

Haha – my husband says he likes to eat out at the "Y".

Baconzgood September 28, 2012 at 12:02 pm

I've been known to tell the lil' lady to "wrap your thighs around my eyes so I can get some tongue exercise"

Katydid September 28, 2012 at 12:04 pm

So my ex-husband says any man who says he does not *love* doing that is a dirty liar.

True?

Geminisunmars September 28, 2012 at 12:06 pm

Yes, he told me that himself.

natl_indecency_cmdr September 28, 2012 at 12:25 pm

zing!

Baconzgood September 28, 2012 at 12:07 pm

I don't know about other men, I for one am proud to roll up the sleeves and get the job done when asked (and sometimes just to surprise her).

UnholyMoses September 28, 2012 at 1:08 pm

Ask? You actually ask first?

What a gentleman!

mayor_quimby September 28, 2012 at 12:34 pm

Truer than if Jeebus Himself swore to it!

SayItWithWookies September 28, 2012 at 12:46 pm

I'm sure there are some men who don't enjoy it — but giving a woman a screaming, flailing, brain-tingling stuck-to-the-ceiling orgasm is something I'd do every day, with pleasure.

Mumbletypeg September 28, 2012 at 3:32 pm

Oh my goodness!

SayItWithWookies September 28, 2012 at 4:59 pm

I certainly hope so.

PsycWench September 28, 2012 at 12:40 pm

Somewhere around here I have a 1998 Letter to the Editor of our local paper in which a man denounces an attempt to overturn anti-sodomy laws and equates oral sex to pedophilia, bestiality and rape. I sure hope he was married before he wrote that letter.
No, wait, I don't hope any such thing, I would not visit a fellow female with such a lifemate as that.

SorosBot September 28, 2012 at 12:54 pm

And from a few years later my former Senator and nationwide embarrassment to the state said pretty much the same thing. Glad we kicked his sorry ass out, and it's scary that he came in 2nd for the GOP nomination.

738838 September 28, 2012 at 1:02 pm

Well, you know what they say, "Once you get past the smell, you got it licked."

boskolives October 30, 2012 at 7:41 pm

I've found that it helps if you can breathe through your ears.

UnholyMoses September 28, 2012 at 1:11 pm

Not sure about kissing, but The Mrs sure does love it when I do some nibbling …

LibertyLover September 28, 2012 at 2:04 pm

Parts is parts.

Dashboard Buddha September 28, 2012 at 6:21 pm

I like kissing them so much, I'm a regular speaker at Lesbian Conferences.

Negropolis September 29, 2012 at 4:07 am

I bet you speak in tongues, even.

Dashboard Buddha September 29, 2012 at 6:09 pm

you bet…I'm a cunning…err, you know.

Jus_Wonderin September 28, 2012 at 11:24 am

This will sink Mitt and Ann for sure!

actor212 September 28, 2012 at 11:28 am

I hope they do a town hall debate and some smart ass in the audience asks Mitt about this: "Governor Romney, why don't you like kissing your wife on her love canal?"

GunToting[Redacted] September 28, 2012 at 12:02 pm

EPA Superfund libel!

HempDogbane September 28, 2012 at 12:12 pm

Hahahahaha ! God, I'm old.

4TheTurnstiles September 28, 2012 at 11:24 am

Everyone in the Fry Sauce belt knows that Mormon girls give the best head. Why? They go and go and go. Is it daddy issues?

Beetagger September 28, 2012 at 11:57 am

Upvote for Fry Sauce Belt.

outragedcitizen September 28, 2012 at 4:32 pm

That is so true! I dated a Mormon girl in college and she knew a lot of very cool sexy thingies that these guys seem to think are no-nos.

Joshua Norton September 28, 2012 at 11:25 am

which would be abhorrent in the sight of the Lord.

Oh, I dunno. Parts of the Bible get pretty horny. I'm betting "the Lord" has a pretty big porn stash.

mmeetoilenoir September 28, 2012 at 11:39 am

Well, the Catholic church certainly doesn't have any dirty books…so they say. http://www.snopes.com/risque/porn/vatican.asp

eggsacklywright September 28, 2012 at 11:57 am

Lots of Little Oral Annie.

sudsmckenzie September 28, 2012 at 11:25 am

Don't drink, don't smoke, don't suck balls, what do they do?

no_gravity September 28, 2012 at 11:29 am

Lie about the above.

rocktonsam September 28, 2012 at 11:29 am

fuck

FNMA September 28, 2012 at 11:50 am

Well, Mitt is working on fucking the entire country.

eggsacklywright September 28, 2012 at 11:30 am

Knitting? Checkers? Parcheesy?

ph7 September 28, 2012 at 11:31 am

There must be something inside

YasserArraFeck September 28, 2012 at 11:32 am

Adam Ant libel!!!

miss_grundy September 28, 2012 at 12:04 pm

Thank you for the rockabilly song lyric from Adam Ant…..

actor212 September 28, 2012 at 11:32 am

Damn goody two shoes….

Oh wow! Adam Ant is playing NYC next Saturday night! Kewl!

doloras September 28, 2012 at 6:11 pm

Cool, he's out of the rubber-room then? (Poor bastard's got a nasty case of bipolar.)

PennyDreadful September 29, 2012 at 12:24 am

Go! He is amazing.

Yellerdawg September 28, 2012 at 11:35 am

Adam Ant libel!

SorosBot September 28, 2012 at 11:42 am

Argh dammit.

mavenmaven September 28, 2012 at 11:54 am

I'm not sure I wanted this memory resurrected. Oh well, back to therapy. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=27Tj-Xo_eqI

actor212 September 28, 2012 at 12:02 pm

Oh no, that was a normal vid for the 80s. Now this…..

mavenmaven September 28, 2012 at 12:06 pm

"what do they do?"
I suppose they stand and deliver.

SigDeFlyinMonky September 28, 2012 at 12:51 pm

Climb in a barrel honey, we'll do it hurricane style.

OneYieldRegular September 28, 2012 at 12:59 pm

What, like the dancing dressage horse wasn't answer enough?

mavenmaven September 28, 2012 at 1:12 pm

Bring on the Dancing Horses http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=GaWs79v0ugE
Yes, I'll take New Wave Romney references for 200, please.

EatsBabyDingos September 28, 2012 at 11:25 am

Mormon's don't drink alcohol, but the boys like a good Dicken's Cider can or the popular Dicken's Cider jugs.

actor212 September 28, 2012 at 11:30 am

No liquor in the front, but lots of poker in the back.

ManchuCandidate September 28, 2012 at 11:25 am

No oral or booze makes Mittens a dull boy.

Lascauxcaveman September 28, 2012 at 11:40 am

"OK then, honey. How about a hand job? Please?"

SigDeFlyinMonky September 28, 2012 at 1:03 pm

The invisible hand job of the market.

boskolives October 30, 2012 at 7:45 pm

No hand job? I guess that means a blow job's not likely either.

ph7 September 28, 2012 at 11:56 am

Everyone! Romney- no oral! Romney – no oral!

miss_grundy September 28, 2012 at 12:06 pm

I wonder what he does with all the downtime….oh, yeah, he "harvests" companies!!!!

Barbara_ September 28, 2012 at 11:26 am

The only time that Jeff puts his thingy in my hoo-hah and we remain absolutely still is when the damn Mormons ring the doorbell and we want them to think we aren't home. Then we count to twenty and go back at it.

weejee September 28, 2012 at 11:29 am

Barb, does that work with the Watchtower Brigade as well?

Mittens Howell, III September 28, 2012 at 11:35 am

Raining coffee over here!

I pressed upfist and kept my finger on while I counted to twenty.

Barbara_ September 28, 2012 at 11:50 am

Sorry Mittens. i owe you a clean shirt. : )

emmelemm September 28, 2012 at 1:10 pm

Good one!

Toomush_Infer September 28, 2012 at 11:39 am

Barb, if you just answer the door in your altogether, they will go away and never come back – worked for my friend when the Seventh Day Adventists came over….

Barbara_ September 28, 2012 at 11:49 am

TooMush,, I love that idea, thanks!
I have an intercom system and sometimes I just shout rude stuff and they leave. Works for in-laws too, bonus!

redarmyzombie September 28, 2012 at 3:59 pm

Barb, have I ever told you about the Secret Mormon Handshake?

Jus_Wonderin September 28, 2012 at 11:26 am

Nipper asks: "Butt, can they still do it doggie style?"

weejee September 28, 2012 at 11:28 am

You ain't just a woofin', Wonderin.

Barbara_ September 28, 2012 at 11:29 am

Only if Ann braces herself so that she doesn't fall off the roof of the car.

Jus_Wonderin September 28, 2012 at 11:34 am

Or cars.

Barbara_ September 28, 2012 at 11:51 am

Jus_ but never on a Hummer. That would be too much like oral sex.

chicken_thief September 28, 2012 at 11:32 am

Yep. Only they call it "Rafalca style".

actor212 September 28, 2012 at 11:36 am

I think that's where Mitt takes the bit between his teeth.

YasserArraFeck September 28, 2012 at 11:40 am

"Bend your knees Honey – now your Lady Garden is at just the right height"

elviouslyqueer September 28, 2012 at 11:44 am
glasspusher September 28, 2012 at 11:26 am

I had a good friend in Florida who looked like Donny Osmond. So much so that Ms. glasspusher said she couldn't look at him without thinking about Donny, saying that he didn't accept blowjobs…

Biff September 28, 2012 at 12:01 pm

I will accept almost all otherwise unwanted blowjobs. Hope that helps.

glasspusher September 28, 2012 at 12:16 pm

Maybe we could set up some kind of clearinghouse for the Mormons, a network of guys who will accept stuff the Mormon guys can't/won't. Everybody wins!

slowhansolo September 28, 2012 at 11:26 am

Many religions have parallels to parking.

freakishlywrong September 28, 2012 at 11:27 am

Fuck me.. The awkward, bumbling visual. There went my libido. Bye libido!

ProgressiveInga September 28, 2012 at 12:03 pm
weejee September 28, 2012 at 11:27 am

Does this mean Mittens never gave Egg a tongue-lashing?

eggsacklywright September 28, 2012 at 11:31 am

Only in quiet rooms. Because ball-gag.

Beowoof September 28, 2012 at 11:33 am

Explains the bitchiness doesn't it.

Biff September 28, 2012 at 12:03 pm

Stop it. This is hard.

BornInATrailer September 28, 2012 at 11:27 am

No caffeine, no alcohol, no oral.

Worst. Religion. Ever.

SorosBot September 28, 2012 at 11:40 am

They don't drink, don't smoke; what do they do?

KeepFnThatChicken September 28, 2012 at 11:46 am

No, the worst religion is Islam. To claim your 72 virgins, you must die first.

SorosBot September 28, 2012 at 11:49 am

Plus, you know, virgins. I'd much rather have ladies who knew what they were doing.

Worst religion though were the Shakers; mandatory celibacy for all. Strange that there are no more of them.

GunToting[Redacted] September 28, 2012 at 12:07 pm

It really put a lot of pressure on the recruiting drives.

CrankyLttlCamperette September 28, 2012 at 12:42 pm

Actually, last I knew, there were 7 still holding on in Maine, but that was ten years ago.

Isyaignert September 28, 2012 at 12:02 pm

Haha – I saw a cartoon where the 72 virgins were all pimply-faced dweebs.

CommieLibunatic September 28, 2012 at 12:43 pm

As the Ordinary Muslim Man meme once said, "I will spend an eternity with 72 virgins… at this Magic: The Gathering tournament."

boskolives October 30, 2012 at 7:50 pm

Eternity would describe the 10 years I've spent with my wife. Ok, you can make it eternity plus a few more years then…

actor212 September 28, 2012 at 11:46 am

It's a wonder they don't go all "Shining" more often.

Chichikovovich September 28, 2012 at 12:39 pm

According, to some chronicler named Nestor, [take all these old tales with a grain of salt] before Vladimir I of Kiev settled on Christianity as a religion to replace paganism in (what would become) the Ukraine and Russia, he invited envoys from all other religions of the area to make a case for theirs. He rejected Islam because, as he put it: "Drinking is the joy of all Rus'. We cannot exist without that pleasure."

It's just as well there was no Mormonism at the time, or his grave would still be shaking from the laughter.

Lucidamente1 September 28, 2012 at 2:18 pm

Though I read somewhere that Vlad was intrigued by the whole four wives thing, but was then put off by the ban on booze. Bros before hos, po russki?

AnAmericanInTO September 28, 2012 at 12:58 pm

Say what you will about Catholocism, and I do, but at least they have wine during the mass. And from 2nd Grade on you better believe I partook.

BornInATrailer September 28, 2012 at 1:01 pm

Yeah, wine that turns into blood while you sip it. Gross.

boskolives October 30, 2012 at 7:52 pm

Show us where the priest touched you after he gave you the wine enema.

docterry6973 September 28, 2012 at 11:28 am

Wait a minute. People do WHAT?!?

Lascauxcaveman September 28, 2012 at 11:59 am

And you want to know the really weird part? Sometimes they do it naked.

I know! Weird, huh?

ProgressiveInga September 28, 2012 at 12:06 pm

And without staring at a computer screen! So strange…

docterry6973 September 28, 2012 at 1:03 pm

And they EAT FOOD with that same mouth? Good golly Miss Molly. I had better not tell Mrs. Docterry about this.

rocktonsam September 28, 2012 at 11:28 am

ah nuts, must scratch dating Marie Osmond off my bucket list

Lascauxcaveman September 28, 2012 at 12:01 pm

That one hasn't been on my list for about twenty years, so I'll just scratch my nuts.

EatsBabyDingos September 28, 2012 at 11:28 am

I heard Mitt had sex with a one eyed prostitute in her eye socket, so that'd be okay.

When Mitt told her it was the best he'd ever had, she told him to come on back any time, saying "I'll keep an eye out for you, Mitt."

MoeDeLawn September 28, 2012 at 11:31 am

I heard that the prostie was Jack Elam.

eggsacklywright September 28, 2012 at 11:37 am

Or Moshe Dayan.

actor212 September 28, 2012 at 11:47 am

*sipping herbal tea quietly*

I'm so not taking this joke to its logical conclusion. I've already been accused of being a cruel man.

But fair.

KeepFnThatChicken September 28, 2012 at 11:45 am

***groan***

ph7 September 28, 2012 at 11:28 am

any such degrading activities which would be abhorrent in the sight of the Lord.

The good news is reverse cowboy is very pleasing in the sight of the Lord (he likes to watch).

Lascauxcaveman September 28, 2012 at 12:03 pm

Wait, what?

Reverse cowboy? Is that even…?

ndayspring September 28, 2012 at 11:28 am

A former Morman friend of mine told me about parking a couple of years ago, although she called it "floating."

One_Man_Band September 28, 2012 at 11:28 am

Chris Rock has got this one:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Z83mDocLRUo

Mormons: They still make you?

Yellerdawg September 28, 2012 at 11:43 am

"Like the antidote's in it…." That's funny.

Isyaignert September 28, 2012 at 2:08 pm

Chris Rock is the court jester of our day. He tells the truth so well about everything that you can only laugh.

He also says that a bullet should cost $5000 which I think is an awesome idea – http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=OuX-nFmL0II

johnnyzhivago September 28, 2012 at 11:29 am

I don't even know what to say about this that could be funny, so I offer this instead:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?feature=player_embed

coolhandnuke September 28, 2012 at 11:29 am

I've encountered many a Mormon lass who enjoys parking, parallel parking, double parking, handicapped parking, free parking and Parker Posey.

DahBoner October 9, 2012 at 8:34 am

All over SLC are rude signs:

Parking in the Rear

banana_bread September 28, 2012 at 11:30 am

"Parking" has totally been a thing since at least the fifties. "Back to the Future" told me so!

Lascauxcaveman September 28, 2012 at 12:06 pm

I remember the parking thing from my teen years. Unfortunately it, it didn't involve any parking. But the necking and groping was pretty fun, if a bit awkward at times.

banana_bread September 28, 2012 at 1:37 pm

I remember Parking in a mall parking lot and getting totally caught by some random passers-by. Oops.

BornInATrailer September 28, 2012 at 12:46 pm

Was that one of the deleted scenes where Marty "soaks" with his mom?

Beowoof September 28, 2012 at 11:30 am

Hey enjoying the reaction of the ladies who I have done that for far beats any thing Mormons could do for me. Of course I don't buy any of their bullshit so there is that.

UnholyMoses September 28, 2012 at 11:30 am

This post is going to be impossible to masturbate to …

slowhansolo September 28, 2012 at 11:30 am

Well, after all, laws rules are made to be broken. Eh, Nathan Sproul?

thefrontpage September 28, 2012 at 11:30 am

If you've ever dated a Mormon girl–and I've dated three or four of them–you'll learn that they are wild in bed, they love sex–and they love oral sex. That's a fact.

Also, you know no one really cares about this "rule" that's cited because everyone knows that Jenna Jameson, Ron Jeremy, John Holmes, Linda Lovelace and Fallin are, or were, Mormons!

The Mormons love their oral sex!

actor212 September 28, 2012 at 11:41 am

And apparently love going to hell, too!

Toomush_Infer September 28, 2012 at 11:44 am

You and your facts….

SayItWithWookies September 28, 2012 at 12:06 pm

I saw a Mormon woman being interviewed on some news show and she said when she was in high school that just about every girl on her street got pregnant — so whatever they're not doing, they're not doing it wrong.

SorosBot September 28, 2012 at 12:39 pm

Except, you know, for the no birth control part.

gullywompr September 28, 2012 at 11:30 am

Is sex with your mouth really a thing? I'm asking for a friend.

Beach_Bubba_Tex September 28, 2012 at 11:30 am

Damn, I was hoping for a tax cut based on this stuff

Beowoof September 28, 2012 at 11:35 am

If you do it as a member of the middle class you will be taxed. Only the 1% get untaxed oral.

actor212 September 28, 2012 at 11:42 am

If there's a tax cut for oral sex, I may never speak again.

SkinnyNerd September 28, 2012 at 11:30 am

Maybe Mormons know something the rest of us do not: http://cryptome.org/2012/09/oral-sex-gonorrhea.pd

Warning: pdf
Double warning: bad news for oral sex

actor212 September 28, 2012 at 11:42 am

Wow. Buzzkill, dude.

SkinnyNerd September 28, 2012 at 11:52 am

Sorry, I just read that 15 minutes before I saw this post. Maybe the Mormons are planting super gonorrhea in our pharynges?

b[redact]opple September 28, 2012 at 11:30 am

"oral lovemaking in the genital area"? God, they make it sound so filthy.

Yellerdawg September 28, 2012 at 11:39 am

I know…makes me shiver. Do it again!

actor212 September 28, 2012 at 11:42 am

I know, and now I'm hornier.

chicken_thief September 28, 2012 at 11:30 am

What about a handie?

Mittens Howell, III September 28, 2012 at 11:31 am

Ewww! Even saying they DON'T do it brought up the mental image of them doing it.

Scrubbing brush, Lysol, meet brain.

neiltheblaze September 28, 2012 at 11:31 am

So many cultural differences. In my community, oral sex is a sacrament.

YasserArraFeck September 28, 2012 at 11:35 am

In my community, oral sex is an appetizer

eggsacklywright September 28, 2012 at 11:42 am

Nice little community you got there. Be a shame if…..

Radiotherapy September 28, 2012 at 11:31 am

I got something Anntoinette can "park" in her mouth.

UnholyMoses September 28, 2012 at 11:31 am

What about skullfucking? Do they at least allow that?

Baconzgood September 28, 2012 at 11:38 am

Mitt wants to do it to the whole country except for the mega rich.

KeepFnThatChicken September 28, 2012 at 11:42 am

It won't be reported in Wonkette.

Biff September 28, 2012 at 12:10 pm

Or commented on.

Oblios_Cap September 28, 2012 at 11:31 am

Damn. That Joseph Smith was a silver-tongued devil to get people to give up so much cool stuff. If only he had put his tongue to some other use than fleecing the fucking ignporant, the world would be a better place today.

DaveJ September 28, 2012 at 11:39 am

Go read some (non LDS authorized) biographies of Joseph Smith. Dude was a PLAYER. Most of the Mormons' early problems in NY, Illinois, etc. were not due to any real theological problems, but that Joseph Smith was pretty much banging every woman he saw, all day, every day.

OkieDokieDog September 28, 2012 at 11:32 am

Well no wonder Queen Ann of Rmoney is such an uptight frigid bitch. She's never had any oral lovemaking from her uptight frigid bitch of a husband, because Jeebus and Joseph Smith

MaxNeanderthal September 28, 2012 at 3:17 pm

I think "Good Morning Vietnam" says it all- "More in need of a blowjob than any white man I ever saw"

boskolives October 30, 2012 at 8:00 pm

Perhaps Ann will explain that "Don't grab my ears, I know what I'm doing" tattoo on her forehead to Mitt.

Freewayblogger September 28, 2012 at 11:32 am

When Santorum first started spouting off against sodomy I called his office and asked about oral sex between man and wife and the sweet-young-thang on the phone giggled a bit, asked someone else there and then reported back that they "thought it was okay." "Hot Damn!" I yelled out… "Honey? Great News!"

It really does help when they spell these things out for us.

Guppy September 28, 2012 at 11:33 am

But is saddlebacking still OK? Inquiring Wonketteers want to know!

mayor_quimby September 28, 2012 at 12:50 pm

I forgot what that is, and I'm afraid to google it at work. Citation, please?

SorosBot September 28, 2012 at 12:53 pm

Saddlebacking – the term for the phenomenon of Christian teens engaging in unprotected anal sex in order to preserve their virginities. Named after Saddleback Churh, home of the Reverend Rick Warren, who is a proponent of abstinence education, the "sex ed" that has convinced so many Christian girls and boys that buttfucking isn't actually sex.
http://www.urbandictionary.com/define.php?term=Sa

boskolives October 30, 2012 at 8:04 pm

I guess that sign over the door at the chapel that says "Please use rear entrance" might be in need of some clarification.

Boojum September 28, 2012 at 11:33 am

Mormons are weird and sad.

emmelemm September 28, 2012 at 1:15 pm

Co-signed.

mmeetoilenoir September 28, 2012 at 11:33 am

Hypocrites. The Mormons talk about worshipping God, and everyone knows that us ladies have Heaven between our legs, so these men better get to it. How else will they get their private planet?

I had an ex who didn't believe in giving oral. He also thought that sex was supposed to be like a porn movie. I didn't know that that was a thing. :(

Schmannnity September 28, 2012 at 11:37 am

At least you got a lot of pizza.

actor212 September 28, 2012 at 11:38 am

Clearly he watched the wrong kind of porn, because I can't recall a film that didn't have at least one tongue lashing.

I mean, that's what my friends told me….

SorosBot September 28, 2012 at 11:39 am

I have to agree with Dan Savage that refusing to give oral is a very good reason to DTMFA.

mmeetoilenoir September 28, 2012 at 11:47 am

Oh, I dumped him, alright, but not before he blamed ME for not following the script and being suitably pornstar-esque. I also got freaked out by his conspiracist tendencies.

Funny…he's still trying to pop up and talk to me, years later. However, there are no fucks to give for that kind of foolishness, so I don't respond.

Schmannnity September 28, 2012 at 11:34 am

The just ride horses to climax.

CommieDad September 28, 2012 at 11:35 am

Wait a second. My wife and I conceived all our children by oral sex. At least, I mean, she said that… isn't that how it's done? Oh fuck.

GregComlish September 28, 2012 at 11:36 am

The really naughty Mormon girls are into "double parking"

ProgressiveInga September 28, 2012 at 12:15 pm

What about parallel parking? Is that why there are always 2 of them at the door?

thejazzmonger September 28, 2012 at 2:43 pm

Hahaha… one of the best ever, my friend.

boskolives October 30, 2012 at 8:06 pm

Now I have to rethink the idea behind Mitt's multi-level parking garage, he may be on to something. Finally.

Jus_Wonderin September 28, 2012 at 11:36 am

What is the Morman Church position on Vibrators? (I set them up. Wonks, run with this one will ya?)

Not_So_Much September 28, 2012 at 11:45 am

Reverse Cowgirl?

jodyleek September 28, 2012 at 11:51 am

Missionary. Of course.

eggsacklywright September 28, 2012 at 12:07 pm

Vibrating plates. It's complicated.

Geminisunmars September 28, 2012 at 12:24 pm

Only if battery-free.

Beowoof September 28, 2012 at 12:30 pm

There is a wind up vibrator, oh that has to suck if it unwinds thirty seconds before you get there.

Caveat_Echinos September 28, 2012 at 10:41 pm

You kidding? Masturbation is WRONG WRONG WRONG! Which is why they send to 19 year old men at the peak of their sexual awakening together on their missions. It's not masturbation if someone else is doing it for you.

Vibrators during couple's sex play? And risk the woman getting off? She might forget her place!

Terry September 28, 2012 at 11:36 am

"LDS President Harold B. Lee: I was shocked to have you raise the question about ‘oral lovemaking in the genital area among married couples.’ Heaven forbid any such degrading activities which would be abhorrent in the sight of the Lord. For any Latter-day Saint, and particularly those who have been taught in the sacred ordinances of the temple, to engage in any kind of perversions of this sacred God-given gift of procreation, would be sure to bring down the condemnation of the Lord whom we would offend were we to engage in any such practice."

Sure, but instituting polygamy in your church so you can schtupp teenaged girls is A-OK.

Baconzgood September 28, 2012 at 11:37 am

"a boy putting his thingie in a girl’s hoo-hah but then the two of them remain absolutely still"

Actually I think that is a tantric sex position that is supposed to give you both amazing orgasm but it takes hours to achieve.

KeepFnThatChicken September 28, 2012 at 11:41 am

Doesn't this act sound like it would encourage "an erection lasting longer than four hours"?

Geminisunmars September 28, 2012 at 12:25 pm

An immediate visit to the ER is required upon completion.

mayor_quimby September 28, 2012 at 12:53 pm

That's just the trick us guys use so we can get in there, after that good luck to either party with that staying still bullshit. It's the Mormon version of 'just the tip'

ChessieNefercat September 28, 2012 at 7:27 pm

"Actually I think that is a tantric sex position that is supposed to give you both amazing orgasm but it takes hours to achieve"

Yes, and I'm sure that your average, repressed, ignorant, Mormon teens would be well-versed in the subtle nuances of sexual psychology and physiology that would make this concept successful. Especially since patience in that situation is the hallmark of adolescent male sex.

boskolives October 30, 2012 at 8:12 pm

Most memorable line as a teen male? "I promise I won't cum in your mouth, but if I do your tits will get bigger!".

SorosBot September 28, 2012 at 11:38 am

No cunnilingus? Mormon ladies must all have a sad. I feel bad for them.

Baconzgood September 28, 2012 at 11:42 am

Send all the 18-35 year olds (Measurments 34-32-34) to baconz. I'll give them the help they need.

TakomaDC September 28, 2012 at 12:23 pm

I think they'd be rather saved from the frustration of dealing with a moron, I mean "Mormon" who doesn't know what he's doing.

elviouslyqueer September 28, 2012 at 11:38 am

Maybe you could be more like Catholics, and just do whatever you like! (Like vote for Obama even though Kathryn Jean Lopez and some bishop say that will imperil your eternal soul.)

Exactly. Because I depend entirely on a bunch of old, celibate, unmarried men who spend an inordinate amount of time smoking prepubescent boycock to tell me that my almost-20-year relationship with my partner is morally wrong and not worthy of being called a "marriage."

Biel_ze_Bubba September 28, 2012 at 11:39 am

So that's why Mitt never eats anything below the muffin top.

Mumbletypeg September 28, 2012 at 12:00 pm

WIN

ph7 September 28, 2012 at 12:02 pm

Mitt ain't seen nothing until he goes down on a muffin.

GregComlish September 28, 2012 at 12:03 pm

muffin diving

emmelemm September 28, 2012 at 1:17 pm

Sure to be changin' his ways…

shelwood46 September 28, 2012 at 1:26 pm

Now we know what he meant when he said all the butter is in the bottom.

Dashboard Buddha September 28, 2012 at 6:27 pm

That is definitely the win.

chicken_thief September 28, 2012 at 11:39 am

"Mitt, I'll bet you $10,000 that you've convinced the little lady that that rule is bullshit."

~ Perrywinkle, sent via iPhone from Niggerhead

thejazzmonger September 28, 2012 at 2:46 pm

Nah, among Mitt's boatload of bad ideas, I bet he goes along with the 'no muff-diving' rule.

chicken_thief September 28, 2012 at 3:02 pm

You saying he doesn't wanna rock (the little man in) the boat?

IncenseDebate September 28, 2012 at 11:39 am

Bad news for Rafalca?

mrblifil September 28, 2012 at 11:40 am

Well, I'm just a modern guy
Of course, I've had it in my ear before
Well, I've a lust for life
Hey man, where'd ya get that lotion?

KeepFnThatChicken September 28, 2012 at 11:40 am

oral lovemaking in the genital area among married couples

Great verbiage there, Mormon preacher man. Are there any Mormons that won't fail a Turing test?!

shelwood46 September 28, 2012 at 1:27 pm

So it's cool for singles? Awesome.

kittensdontlie September 28, 2012 at 11:40 am

Idle mouths are the devil's playground.

rickmaci September 28, 2012 at 11:40 am

Don't think the kids get the message. Known a few LDS girls in my time. Let's just say they were regular parking lots. LMAO.

SpeedoFart September 28, 2012 at 11:40 am

Trust the Mormons to suck the fun out of everything.

I mean, come on. At least fundy teens are into anal.

Boojum September 28, 2012 at 11:40 am

Q. You don't drink, don't smoke, what do you do?

A. Nothing.

teebob2000 September 28, 2012 at 11:42 am

I disagree that God disapproves. When my wife's blowing me (which she does SPECTACULARLY, BTW) I invoke the Lord pretty much non-stop.

eggsacklywright September 28, 2012 at 11:43 am

Parking should never be confused with porking.

BornInATrailer September 28, 2012 at 11:43 am

Finally, something Mitt and Barack have in common.

loltriteblackmenstereotypejoke

Joshua Norton September 28, 2012 at 11:44 am

When a reporter asked Ann what some of her positions were, she said "I'm Mormon. I just lay there".

Blueb4sinrise September 28, 2012 at 11:44 am

[just doing stretches and running in place waiting for the Bibi Bomb post]

rickmaci September 28, 2012 at 11:45 am

Her. "Why don't we have sex like they do in the movies?
Him. Turned her face down, slapped her on the fanny, pulled her head back by her hair and proceeded to ride like a wild cowboy.

Seems they were not watching the same kind of movies.

smashedinhat September 28, 2012 at 11:45 am

Way late here, but rules & sex? All you need is a safe word folks. Carry on!

Toomush_Infer September 28, 2012 at 11:46 am

So, sad Wonketteer converts: that means that buttfucking….

Monsieur_Grumpe September 28, 2012 at 11:46 am

You mean Mormons don’t suck?

AddHomonym September 28, 2012 at 11:47 am

Looks like I'd better update my OK Cupid profile.

Not_So_Much September 28, 2012 at 11:47 am

I've also heard 'parking' referred to as 'soaking'. I don't know if it's a "True Thing" or not.

Most of the young Mo's I know are so scared of their 'swimsuit area' that I'm a bit skeptical.

BornInATrailer September 28, 2012 at 12:36 pm

I like the term soaking much, much more. That takes it from "heh, funny" to downright hilarious.

Monsieur_Grumpe September 28, 2012 at 11:48 am

I guess Mormons are just a waste of a tongue and lips.

rocktonsam September 28, 2012 at 11:48 am

so whats their stance on tongue punching the fart box.?

miss you Waggleman

Arkoday September 28, 2012 at 11:49 am

Well, that sucks…

SorosBot September 28, 2012 at 11:52 am

Butt what are their rules on anal?

GregComlish September 28, 2012 at 12:09 pm

It's ok as long as its mediated through some eroticized punishment for women being "bad"

ph7 September 28, 2012 at 11:53 am

Mitt and Ann use only 47% of their erogenous zones. Because they are victims.

SayItWithWookies September 28, 2012 at 11:53 am

You'd think a religion where everybody has to lie all the time about what they do would keep people humble — but no, it turns some of 'em into self-righteous assholes and the rest into climbing-the-walls uptight orgasm-free crazies.

shelwood46 September 28, 2012 at 1:34 pm

I especially enjoyed Egg's fellow Mormon women ripping into her for her "improper" outfit she wore on Leno. Not because it was a leather nightmare, but because she couldn't possibly be wearing her magic underwear under it, according to them. Hee.

iTuna September 28, 2012 at 11:57 am

'Parking' is 'swaddling'.
http://mbmbam.libsyn.com/my-brother-my-brother-an

My Brother My Brother & Me Libel!

ph7 September 28, 2012 at 12:01 pm

I'll reserve judgment until Kathryn Lopez weighs in on this.

Mumbletypeg September 28, 2012 at 12:04 pm

We need Ted "my face is a Maserati and you're the garage" Nugent's crucial opinion inserted into the discussion if the Repub's are ever gonna wriggle out of this one.

dennis1943 September 28, 2012 at 12:07 pm

Seems i read about "parking" in the "Harrad Experiment"………..

ThundercatHo September 28, 2012 at 1:33 pm

You must be old like me. I remember reading it when I was a teenager but don't really remember what it was about …something, Ivy League co-eds,something.

LiberalMermaid September 28, 2012 at 12:08 pm

I thought Mittens loved papyas.

Beetagger September 28, 2012 at 12:09 pm

I'm not answering this one because it hits a little too close to home.

Thurman Munster IV September 28, 2012 at 12:12 pm

The Stench can't take a little stench?

Buzz Feedback September 28, 2012 at 12:17 pm

Now there's going to be a flood of Jamaican guys claiming they're Mormon.

mayor_quimby September 28, 2012 at 1:10 pm

Hey, hey, now – I'm the progeny of Jamaicans, and I totally do that at every opportunity!

BartStarrland September 28, 2012 at 12:17 pm

There's a joke here somewhere that ends "Oh…I thought he said Latter Day Taint". I got nothing.

natl_indecency_cmdr September 28, 2012 at 12:23 pm

I love Latter Day taint. Has a little funk to it, you know?

decentcitizen September 28, 2012 at 12:21 pm

For godly people, the LDS seems awfully concerned about what goes on in people's bedroom.

TakomaDC September 28, 2012 at 12:22 pm

I guess Warren Jeffs never got that particular memo. But now that he's in prison for life + 20 yrs – I'm sure he'll be obeying his bible to the letter.

natl_indecency_cmdr September 28, 2012 at 12:22 pm

If "oral lovemaking in the genital area" is "abhorrent" then I don't want to be, um, "horrent?"

TakomaDC September 28, 2012 at 12:26 pm

Those morons are worshipping at the wrong temple…………..AGAIN?

Generation[redacted] September 28, 2012 at 12:36 pm

Damn, that's like "I have a headache" times a million!

CommieLibunatic September 28, 2012 at 12:37 pm

Slightly off-topic, but that bishop linked at the end (naturally) opposes gay rights… as he is pictured wearing a pink skullcap. Oy.

Hammiepants September 28, 2012 at 12:50 pm

I do not want to live in a world with no oral, either getting or giving. This is a glimpse into a hell dimension that fills me with utter horror (I am not snarking here – dead serious).

natoslug September 28, 2012 at 12:54 pm

I'm surprised I got my wife to quit the church before she was excommunicated then, because she was, and is, a regular hoover.

SaintRond September 28, 2012 at 1:02 pm

Jesus Christ All Mighty, What the hell's the point of having a shitload of teenage wives if you can't eat them out? If God didn't want us to eat them out, he wouldn't have made them taste so good.

resolvedwaldron September 28, 2012 at 1:14 pm

You know what's hard about eating vegetables in a nursing home? Tilting the wheel chair back.

barto September 28, 2012 at 1:24 pm

So double-parking is cool, also?

ThundercatHo September 28, 2012 at 1:37 pm

Quick poll: How many of you wonks would sacrifice a lifetime of blowjobs in order to get your own planet (maybe)?

Dashboard Buddha September 28, 2012 at 6:26 pm

Only if that planet was shaped like a beautiful woman's mouth and was prepared to blow me forever. Otherwise, no deal.

imissopus September 28, 2012 at 2:00 pm

I believe it was Kenneth the Page who said "If God was a city planner he would not put a playground next to a sewage system!"

LibertyLover September 28, 2012 at 2:05 pm

I am curious about this parking thingy… what if one has to shift gears? Or forgets to set the parking brake?

thejazzmonger September 28, 2012 at 2:45 pm

Didn't we learn anything from the growth and prosperity during the Clinton Administration? The president should be getting blowjobs as frequently as security briefings.

Cigars optional.

thejazzmonger September 28, 2012 at 2:52 pm

No blowjobs, ever! No wonder Mitt's thinking is so fuzzy.

Nesnora September 28, 2012 at 2:53 pm

The filthiest (and worst), bestselling modern Mormon authors today wrote 'Twilight' and '50 Shades of Grey'. This is how Mormons fantasize (actual quotes):

"My inner goddess fist pumps the air above her chaise lounge"

"His finger circled my puckered love cave. "Are you ready?" He mewled smirking at me like a mother hamster about to eat her three legged young"

“Does this mean you’re going to make love to me tonight, Christian?” Holy shit. Did I just say that? His mouth drops open slightly, but he recovers quickly. “No, Anastasia it doesn’t. Firstly, I don’t make love. I fuck… hard. Secondly, there’s a lot more paperwork to do, and thirdly, you don’t yet know what you’re in for. You could still run for the hills. Come, I want to show you my playroom.” My mouth drops open. Fuck hard! Holy shit, that sounds so… hot. But why are we looking at a playroom? I am mystified. “You want to play on your Xbox?” I ask. He laughs, loudly. “No, Anastasia, no Xbox, no Playstation. Come.” … Producing a key from his pocket, he unlocks yet another door and takes a deep breath.“You can leave anytime. The helicopter is on stand-by to take you whenever you want to go, you can stay the night and go home in the morning. It’s fine whatever you decide.” “Just open the damn door, Christian.” He opens the door and stands back to let me in. I gaze at him once more. I so want to know what’s in here. Taking a deep breath I walk in. And it feels like I’ve time-traveled back to the sixteenth century and the Spanish Inquisition. Holy fuck.”

SayItWithWookies September 28, 2012 at 3:38 pm

I've said it before and I'll say it again — badly-written fiction is the most enduring Mormon tradition.

Negropolis September 29, 2012 at 4:25 am

Wait, is that last one an actual excerpt from 50 Shades of Meh? I heard that the writing was bad. I didn't know it was this bad. "Holy fuck", indeed.

DahBoner September 28, 2012 at 2:56 pm

Why, one of the greatest Blowjob pickup lines of all time is right there in The Bible:

"Hey baby, how about a little 'due benevolence'?…"
http://skepticsannotatedbible.com/says_about/oral

evoshandor September 28, 2012 at 3:09 pm

I wonder if titty-fucking is okay?

Generation[redacted] September 28, 2012 at 3:26 pm

If that question doesn't get asked in the first debate, the MSM will have lost all credibility.

kyeshinka September 28, 2012 at 3:23 pm

Mittens supporters actually kiss their sisters with those mouths?

outragedcitizen September 28, 2012 at 4:30 pm

Wait, what does that mean for the Teabaggers if Mittens is elected?

irishdave3 September 28, 2012 at 4:32 pm

Did Aryan Ann, She-devil of the LDS,,,ever let a horse eat oats out of her hand?

ChessieNefercat September 28, 2012 at 7:24 pm

Jesus, mouth agape, saying to Dad, "WTF?" Where in the hell did they get that idea?

(Lucifer, laughing in the corner…)

Caveat_Echinos September 28, 2012 at 10:37 pm

All I see in my head is LDS President Harold B Lee looking around at the men surrounding him, saying "watch this",and penning this reply while laughing his ass off with total troll face.

""Evil Behavior" no, no "Disgusting actions" no… How about "degrading activities which would be abhorrent"!!! Perfect! This poor boy's pecker is gonna need a baptism… for the dead!!!" Other men erupt in cheers and laughter.

* I was raised in Utah, as non LDS. I have no love for that religion.

Caveat_Echinos September 28, 2012 at 10:44 pm

When I was a teen, I would attend church with my best friend. Us damn atheists get bored on Sundays.

Our favorite game was to add "in bed" to the end of hymn names – like fortune cookies only a lot more evil. Try it: http://www.lds.org/cm/catalogsearchalpha/1,17929,…

Come come ye saints, in bed
O My Father in Bed
Arise O god and Shine in bed
How firm a foundation in bed

Schmegeg September 29, 2012 at 3:14 am

Wait, these guys have nine wives, so let us presume there is some three way and up action.. What exactly is happening, then?

ttommyunger September 29, 2012 at 11:47 am

I would comment about this but there's a pussy that needs a good tongue-lashing right about now….

vrouch October 1, 2012 at 12:57 pm

I was wrong. Apparently it doesn't suck to be a Mormon.

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