oral pleasure

Mormons Apparently Not Allowed To Do Sex With Their Mouths

Add to Flipboard Magazine.

Even better than leaning up against the washing machineGeneral JC Christian, Patriot, points us to these sad LDS sex-rules that are doubtless responsible for making Miffed and Egg Romney such delightful humans to be around:

LDS President Harold B. Lee: I was shocked to have you raise the question about ‘oral lovemaking in the genital area among married couples.’ Heaven forbid any such degrading activities which would be abhorrent in the sight of the Lord. For any Latter-day Saint, and particularly those who have been taught in the sacred ordinances of the temple, to engage in any kind of perversions of this sacred God-given gift of procreation, would be sure to bring down the condemnation of the Lord whom we would offend were we to engage in any such practice.

Even Pat Robertson thinks it is cool by God if ladies suck on and fondle their husbands’ penises and balls!

Meanwhile, Josh Fruhlinger claims with no firsthand evidence that Mormon teens do a thing! “It is called ‘parking’ and it involves a boy putting his thingie in a girl’s hoo-hah but then the two of them remain absolutely still. According to mormon teen lore, this means it doesn’t count, for god.” IS THIS TRUE? Well, it has an entry in UrbanDictionary, so OBVIOUSLY IT IS TRUE.

We are sad for you today, Mormons. Maybe you could be more like Catholics, and just do whatever you like! (Like vote for Obama even though Kathryn Jean Lopez and some bishop say that will imperil your eternal soul.)

[PatriotBoy]

About the author

Rebecca is the editor and publisher of Wonkette. She is the author of Commie Girl in the O.C., a collection of her OC Weekly columns, and the former editor of LA CityBeat. Go visit her Commie Girl Collective, and follow her on the Twitter!

View all articles by Rebecca Schoenkopf

Comments

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  • http://simplyleftbehind.blogspot.com/ actor212

    Even Pat Robertson thinks it is cool by God if ladies suck on and fondle their husbands’ penises and balls!

    I just threw up in my mouth a little.

    • glasspusher

      That's the correct response.

    • eggsacklywright

      What's Oral Roberts' take on this?

      • Beowoof

        Swallow.

      • http://simplyleftbehind.blogspot.com/ actor212

        "Don't talk with your mouth full"

      • YasserArraFeck

        Let's ask his cousin, Anal Roberts

      • http://www.boskolives.wordpress.com boskolives

        What about his brother Anal Roberts' casting a brown eye on the whole thing?

    • chicken_thief

      Hey, it worked for Jim Baker.

      • http://simplyleftbehind.blogspot.com/ actor212

        Both in and out of prison!

    • Toomush_Infer

      better your mouth….

    • Isyaignert

      Funny Uncle Pat Robertson also said God's cool with it if you fuk around on your spouse if they have Alzheimer's, since they'd never know the difference.

      Slightly OT, but he also said cannabis should be legal, so he has brief moments of lucid thought in his otherwise severely damaged reptilian brain.

    • GunToting[Redacted]

      A little?

    • Nostrildamus

      OK, for my next Beej we'll just imagine Pat smiling down at us.

  • http://simplyleftbehind.blogspot.com/ actor212

    “It is called ‘parking’ and it involves a boy putting his thingie in a girl’s hoo-hah but then the two of them remain absolutely still. According to mormon teen lore, this means it doesn’t count, for god.”

    So they're Tantrists?

    STING LIBEL!!!!!!

    • YasserArraFeck

      Sting loves getting to third bass

      • http://simplyleftbehind.blogspot.com/ actor212

        *facepalm*

    • WhatTheHeck

      Its got nothing to do with the size of your boat, but everything to do with the motion of the ocean.
      Mind you, if you are good at Yoga, it has everything to do with position and getting into said position.

    • http://wonkette.com/ starfanglednut

      Stings aTantrist? Christ, I didn't think that guy could get any more boring.

  • Baconzgood

    Reason 3,521 why I'll never be a Morman. I like kissing lady parts.

    • http://simplyleftbehind.blogspot.com/ actor212

      I'd upfist you harder, but you know…

    • http://wonkette.com ManchuCandidate

      Exactly.

      Plus no booze.

      • eggsacklywright

        Really. Mega buzz-kill.

      • Terry

        Or caffeine. And you have to call pimply faced teenaged boys "Elder"

    • Isyaignert

      Haha – my husband says he likes to eat out at the "Y".

      • Baconzgood

        I've been known to tell the lil' lady to "wrap your thighs around my eyes so I can get some tongue exercise"

    • Katydid

      So my ex-husband says any man who says he does not *love* doing that is a dirty liar.

      True?

      • Geminisunmars

        Yes, he told me that himself.

        • natl_indecency_cmdr

          zing!

      • Baconzgood

        I don't know about other men, I for one am proud to roll up the sleeves and get the job done when asked (and sometimes just to surprise her).

        • UnholyMoses

          Ask? You actually ask first?

          What a gentleman!

      • mayor_quimby

        Truer than if Jeebus Himself swore to it!

      • http://lostintarnation.blogspot.com/ SayItWithWookies

        I'm sure there are some men who don't enjoy it — but giving a woman a screaming, flailing, brain-tingling stuck-to-the-ceiling orgasm is something I'd do every day, with pleasure.

        • http://facethesuncastnoshadow.wordpress.com/ Mumbletypeg

          Oh my goodness!

          • http://lostintarnation.blogspot.com/ SayItWithWookies

            I certainly hope so.

    • PsycWench

      Somewhere around here I have a 1998 Letter to the Editor of our local paper in which a man denounces an attempt to overturn anti-sodomy laws and equates oral sex to pedophilia, bestiality and rape. I sure hope he was married before he wrote that letter.
      No, wait, I don't hope any such thing, I would not visit a fellow female with such a lifemate as that.

      • SorosBot

        And from a few years later my former Senator and nationwide embarrassment to the state said pretty much the same thing. Glad we kicked his sorry ass out, and it's scary that he came in 2nd for the GOP nomination.

    • 738838

      Well, you know what they say, "Once you get past the smell, you got it licked."

      • http://www.boskolives.wordpress.com boskolives

        I've found that it helps if you can breathe through your ears.

    • UnholyMoses

      Not sure about kissing, but The Mrs sure does love it when I do some nibbling …

    • LibertyLover

      Parts is parts.

    • Dashboard Buddha

      I like kissing them so much, I'm a regular speaker at Lesbian Conferences.

      • Negropolis

        I bet you speak in tongues, even.

        • Dashboard Buddha

          you bet…I'm a cunning…err, you know.

  • Jus_Wonderin

    This will sink Mitt and Ann for sure!

    • http://simplyleftbehind.blogspot.com/ actor212

      I hope they do a town hall debate and some smart ass in the audience asks Mitt about this: "Governor Romney, why don't you like kissing your wife on her love canal?"

      • GunToting[Redacted]

        EPA Superfund libel!

        • HempDogbane

          Hahahahaha ! God, I'm old.

  • http://for-the-turnstiles.blogspot.com 4TheTurnstiles

    Everyone in the Fry Sauce belt knows that Mormon girls give the best head. Why? They go and go and go. Is it daddy issues?

    • Beetagger

      Upvote for Fry Sauce Belt.

    • http://wonkette.com/ outragedcitizen

      That is so true! I dated a Mormon girl in college and she knew a lot of very cool sexy thingies that these guys seem to think are no-nos.

  • http://www.notfrisco.com/colmatales/norton/proclaim.html#declaration Joshua Norton

    which would be abhorrent in the sight of the Lord.

    Oh, I dunno. Parts of the Bible get pretty horny. I'm betting "the Lord" has a pretty big porn stash.

  • sudsmckenzie

    Don't drink, don't smoke, don't suck balls, what do they do?

    • no_gravity

      Lie about the above.

    • rocktonsam

      fuck

      • FNMA

        Well, Mitt is working on fucking the entire country.

    • eggsacklywright

      Knitting? Checkers? Parcheesy?

    • ph7

      There must be something inside

      • YasserArraFeck

        Adam Ant libel!!!

      • miss_grundy

        Thank you for the rockabilly song lyric from Adam Ant…..

    • http://simplyleftbehind.blogspot.com/ actor212

      Damn goody two shoes….

      Oh wow! Adam Ant is playing NYC next Saturday night! Kewl!

      • doloras

        Cool, he's out of the rubber-room then? (Poor bastard's got a nasty case of bipolar.)

      • PennyDreadful

        Go! He is amazing.

    • Yellerdawg

      Adam Ant libel!

    • SorosBot

      Argh dammit.

    • mavenmaven

      I'm not sure I wanted this memory resurrected. Oh well, back to therapy. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=27Tj-Xo_eqI

      • http://simplyleftbehind.blogspot.com/ actor212

        Oh no, that was a normal vid for the 80s. Now this…..

    • mavenmaven

      "what do they do?"
      I suppose they stand and deliver.

      • SigDeFlyinMonky

        Climb in a barrel honey, we'll do it hurricane style.

    • OneYieldRegular

      What, like the dancing dressage horse wasn't answer enough?

  • EatsBabyDingos

    Mormon's don't drink alcohol, but the boys like a good Dicken's Cider can or the popular Dicken's Cider jugs.

    • http://simplyleftbehind.blogspot.com/ actor212

      No liquor in the front, but lots of poker in the back.

  • http://wonkette.com ManchuCandidate

    No oral or booze makes Mittens a dull boy.

    • Lascauxcaveman

      "OK then, honey. How about a hand job? Please?"

      • SigDeFlyinMonky

        The invisible hand job of the market.

      • http://www.boskolives.wordpress.com boskolives

        No hand job? I guess that means a blow job's not likely either.

    • ph7

      Everyone! Romney- no oral! Romney – no oral!

    • miss_grundy

      I wonder what he does with all the downtime….oh, yeah, he "harvests" companies!!!!

  • Barbara_

    The only time that Jeff puts his thingy in my hoo-hah and we remain absolutely still is when the damn Mormons ring the doorbell and we want them to think we aren't home. Then we count to twenty and go back at it.

    • http://wonkette.com/ weejee

      Barb, does that work with the Watchtower Brigade as well?

    • Mittens Howell, III

      Raining coffee over here!

      I pressed upfist and kept my finger on while I counted to twenty.

      • Barbara_

        Sorry Mittens. i owe you a clean shirt. : )

      • emmelemm

        Good one!

    • Toomush_Infer

      Barb, if you just answer the door in your altogether, they will go away and never come back – worked for my friend when the Seventh Day Adventists came over….

      • Barbara_

        TooMush,, I love that idea, thanks!
        I have an intercom system and sometimes I just shout rude stuff and they leave. Works for in-laws too, bonus!

    • redarmyzombie

      Barb, have I ever told you about the Secret Mormon Handshake?

  • Jus_Wonderin

    Nipper asks: "Butt, can they still do it doggie style?"

    • http://wonkette.com/ weejee

      You ain't just a woofin', Wonderin.

    • Barbara_

      Only if Ann braces herself so that she doesn't fall off the roof of the car.

      • Jus_Wonderin

        Or cars.

        • Barbara_

          Jus_ but never on a Hummer. That would be too much like oral sex.

    • chicken_thief

      Yep. Only they call it "Rafalca style".

      • http://simplyleftbehind.blogspot.com/ actor212

        I think that's where Mitt takes the bit between his teeth.

    • YasserArraFeck

      "Bend your knees Honey – now your Lady Garden is at just the right height"

    • elviouslyqueer
  • glasspusher

    I had a good friend in Florida who looked like Donny Osmond. So much so that Ms. glasspusher said she couldn't look at him without thinking about Donny, saying that he didn't accept blowjobs…

    • Biff

      I will accept almost all otherwise unwanted blowjobs. Hope that helps.

      • glasspusher

        Maybe we could set up some kind of clearinghouse for the Mormons, a network of guys who will accept stuff the Mormon guys can't/won't. Everybody wins!

  • http://wonkette.com/ slowhansolo

    Many religions have parallels to parking.

  • freakishlywrong

    Fuck me.. The awkward, bumbling visual. There went my libido. Bye libido!

  • http://wonkette.com/ weejee

    Does this mean Mittens never gave Egg a tongue-lashing?

    • eggsacklywright

      Only in quiet rooms. Because ball-gag.

    • Beowoof

      Explains the bitchiness doesn't it.

      • Biff

        Stop it. This is hard.

  • BornInATrailer

    No caffeine, no alcohol, no oral.

    Worst. Religion. Ever.

    • SorosBot

      They don't drink, don't smoke; what do they do?

    • KeepFnThatChicken

      No, the worst religion is Islam. To claim your 72 virgins, you must die first.

      • SorosBot

        Plus, you know, virgins. I'd much rather have ladies who knew what they were doing.

        Worst religion though were the Shakers; mandatory celibacy for all. Strange that there are no more of them.

        • GunToting[Redacted]

          It really put a lot of pressure on the recruiting drives.

        • CrankyLttlCamperette

          Actually, last I knew, there were 7 still holding on in Maine, but that was ten years ago.

      • Isyaignert

        Haha – I saw a cartoon where the 72 virgins were all pimply-faced dweebs.

        • CommieLibunatic

          As the Ordinary Muslim Man meme once said, "I will spend an eternity with 72 virgins… at this Magic: The Gathering tournament."

          • http://www.boskolives.wordpress.com boskolives

            Eternity would describe the 10 years I've spent with my wife. Ok, you can make it eternity plus a few more years then…

    • http://simplyleftbehind.blogspot.com/ actor212

      It's a wonder they don't go all "Shining" more often.

    • Chichikovovich

      According, to some chronicler named Nestor, [take all these old tales with a grain of salt] before Vladimir I of Kiev settled on Christianity as a religion to replace paganism in (what would become) the Ukraine and Russia, he invited envoys from all other religions of the area to make a case for theirs. He rejected Islam because, as he put it: "Drinking is the joy of all Rus'. We cannot exist without that pleasure."

      It's just as well there was no Mormonism at the time, or his grave would still be shaking from the laughter.

      • Lucidamente1

        Though I read somewhere that Vlad was intrigued by the whole four wives thing, but was then put off by the ban on booze. Bros before hos, po russki?

    • AnAmericanInTO

      Say what you will about Catholocism, and I do, but at least they have wine during the mass. And from 2nd Grade on you better believe I partook.

      • BornInATrailer

        Yeah, wine that turns into blood while you sip it. Gross.

      • http://www.boskolives.wordpress.com boskolives

        Show us where the priest touched you after he gave you the wine enema.

  • docterry6973

    Wait a minute. People do WHAT?!?

    • Lascauxcaveman

      And you want to know the really weird part? Sometimes they do it naked.

      I know! Weird, huh?

      • ProgressiveInga

        And without staring at a computer screen! So strange…

        • docterry6973

          And they EAT FOOD with that same mouth? Good golly Miss Molly. I had better not tell Mrs. Docterry about this.

  • rocktonsam

    ah nuts, must scratch dating Marie Osmond off my bucket list

    • Lascauxcaveman

      That one hasn't been on my list for about twenty years, so I'll just scratch my nuts.

  • EatsBabyDingos

    I heard Mitt had sex with a one eyed prostitute in her eye socket, so that'd be okay.

    When Mitt told her it was the best he'd ever had, she told him to come on back any time, saying "I'll keep an eye out for you, Mitt."

    • MoeDeLawn

      I heard that the prostie was Jack Elam.

      • eggsacklywright

        Or Moshe Dayan.

        • http://simplyleftbehind.blogspot.com/ actor212

          *sipping herbal tea quietly*

          I'm so not taking this joke to its logical conclusion. I've already been accused of being a cruel man.

          But fair.

    • KeepFnThatChicken

      ***groan***

  • ph7

    any such degrading activities which would be abhorrent in the sight of the Lord.

    The good news is reverse cowboy is very pleasing in the sight of the Lord (he likes to watch).

    • Lascauxcaveman

      Wait, what?

      Reverse cowboy? Is that even…?

  • ndayspring

    A former Morman friend of mine told me about parking a couple of years ago, although she called it "floating."

  • One_Man_Band

    Chris Rock has got this one:
    http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Z83mDocLRUo

    Mormons: They still make you?

    • Yellerdawg

      "Like the antidote's in it…." That's funny.

    • Isyaignert

      Chris Rock is the court jester of our day. He tells the truth so well about everything that you can only laugh.

      He also says that a bullet should cost $5000 which I think is an awesome idea – http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=OuX-nFmL0II

  • http://rightthinkingamerican.blogspot.com johnnyzhivago

    I don't even know what to say about this that could be funny, so I offer this instead:
    http://www.youtube.com/watch?feature=player_embed

  • coolhandnuke

    I've encountered many a Mormon lass who enjoys parking, parallel parking, double parking, handicapped parking, free parking and Parker Posey.

    • DahBoner

      All over SLC are rude signs:

      Parking in the Rear

  • banana_bread

    "Parking" has totally been a thing since at least the fifties. "Back to the Future" told me so!

    • Lascauxcaveman

      I remember the parking thing from my teen years. Unfortunately it, it didn't involve any parking. But the necking and groping was pretty fun, if a bit awkward at times.

      • banana_bread

        I remember Parking in a mall parking lot and getting totally caught by some random passers-by. Oops.

    • BornInATrailer

      Was that one of the deleted scenes where Marty "soaks" with his mom?

  • Beowoof

    Hey enjoying the reaction of the ladies who I have done that for far beats any thing Mormons could do for me. Of course I don't buy any of their bullshit so there is that.

  • UnholyMoses

    This post is going to be impossible to masturbate to …

  • http://wonkette.com/ slowhansolo

    Well, after all, laws rules are made to be broken. Eh, Nathan Sproul?

  • thefrontpage

    If you've ever dated a Mormon girl–and I've dated three or four of them–you'll learn that they are wild in bed, they love sex–and they love oral sex. That's a fact.

    Also, you know no one really cares about this "rule" that's cited because everyone knows that Jenna Jameson, Ron Jeremy, John Holmes, Linda Lovelace and Fallin are, or were, Mormons!

    The Mormons love their oral sex!

    • http://simplyleftbehind.blogspot.com/ actor212

      And apparently love going to hell, too!

    • Toomush_Infer

      You and your facts….

    • http://lostintarnation.blogspot.com/ SayItWithWookies

      I saw a Mormon woman being interviewed on some news show and she said when she was in high school that just about every girl on her street got pregnant — so whatever they're not doing, they're not doing it wrong.

      • SorosBot

        Except, you know, for the no birth control part.

  • gullywompr

    Is sex with your mouth really a thing? I'm asking for a friend.

  • Beach_Bubba_Tex

    Damn, I was hoping for a tax cut based on this stuff

    • Beowoof

      If you do it as a member of the middle class you will be taxed. Only the 1% get untaxed oral.

    • http://simplyleftbehind.blogspot.com/ actor212

      If there's a tax cut for oral sex, I may never speak again.

  • SkinnyNerd

    Maybe Mormons know something the rest of us do not: http://cryptome.org/2012/09/oral-sex-gonorrhea.pd

    Warning: pdf
    Double warning: bad news for oral sex

    • http://simplyleftbehind.blogspot.com/ actor212

      Wow. Buzzkill, dude.

      • SkinnyNerd

        Sorry, I just read that 15 minutes before I saw this post. Maybe the Mormons are planting super gonorrhea in our pharynges?

  • b[redact]opple

    "oral lovemaking in the genital area"? God, they make it sound so filthy.

    • Yellerdawg

      I know…makes me shiver. Do it again!

    • http://simplyleftbehind.blogspot.com/ actor212

      I know, and now I'm hornier.

  • chicken_thief

    What about a handie?

  • Mittens Howell, III

    Ewww! Even saying they DON'T do it brought up the mental image of them doing it.

    Scrubbing brush, Lysol, meet brain.

  • neiltheblaze

    So many cultural differences. In my community, oral sex is a sacrament.

    • YasserArraFeck

      In my community, oral sex is an appetizer

    • eggsacklywright

      Nice little community you got there. Be a shame if…..

  • Radiotherapy

    I got something Anntoinette can "park" in her mouth.

  • UnholyMoses

    What about skullfucking? Do they at least allow that?

    • Baconzgood

      Mitt wants to do it to the whole country except for the mega rich.

    • KeepFnThatChicken

      It won't be reported in Wonkette.

      • Biff

        Or commented on.

  • Oblios_Cap

    Damn. That Joseph Smith was a silver-tongued devil to get people to give up so much cool stuff. If only he had put his tongue to some other use than fleecing the fucking ignporant, the world would be a better place today.

    • DaveJ

      Go read some (non LDS authorized) biographies of Joseph Smith. Dude was a PLAYER. Most of the Mormons' early problems in NY, Illinois, etc. were not due to any real theological problems, but that Joseph Smith was pretty much banging every woman he saw, all day, every day.

  • OkieDokieDog

    Well no wonder Queen Ann of Rmoney is such an uptight frigid bitch. She's never had any oral lovemaking from her uptight frigid bitch of a husband, because Jeebus and Joseph Smith

    • MaxNeanderthal

      I think "Good Morning Vietnam" says it all- "More in need of a blowjob than any white man I ever saw"

    • http://www.boskolives.wordpress.com boskolives

      Perhaps Ann will explain that "Don't grab my ears, I know what I'm doing" tattoo on her forehead to Mitt.

  • Freewayblogger

    When Santorum first started spouting off against sodomy I called his office and asked about oral sex between man and wife and the sweet-young-thang on the phone giggled a bit, asked someone else there and then reported back that they "thought it was okay." "Hot Damn!" I yelled out… "Honey? Great News!"

    It really does help when they spell these things out for us.

  • Guppy

    But is saddlebacking still OK? Inquiring Wonketteers want to know!

    • mayor_quimby

      I forgot what that is, and I'm afraid to google it at work. Citation, please?

      • SorosBot

        Saddlebacking – the term for the phenomenon of Christian teens engaging in unprotected anal sex in order to preserve their virginities. Named after Saddleback Churh, home of the Reverend Rick Warren, who is a proponent of abstinence education, the "sex ed" that has convinced so many Christian girls and boys that buttfucking isn't actually sex.
        http://www.urbandictionary.com/define.php?term=Sa

        • http://www.boskolives.wordpress.com boskolives

          I guess that sign over the door at the chapel that says "Please use rear entrance" might be in need of some clarification.

  • Boojum

    Mormons are weird and sad.

    • emmelemm

      Co-signed.

  • mmeetoilenoir

    Hypocrites. The Mormons talk about worshipping God, and everyone knows that us ladies have Heaven between our legs, so these men better get to it. How else will they get their private planet?

    I had an ex who didn't believe in giving oral. He also thought that sex was supposed to be like a porn movie. I didn't know that that was a thing. :(

    • Schmannnity

      At least you got a lot of pizza.

    • http://simplyleftbehind.blogspot.com/ actor212

      Clearly he watched the wrong kind of porn, because I can't recall a film that didn't have at least one tongue lashing.

      I mean, that's what my friends told me….

    • SorosBot

      I have to agree with Dan Savage that refusing to give oral is a very good reason to DTMFA.

      • mmeetoilenoir

        Oh, I dumped him, alright, but not before he blamed ME for not following the script and being suitably pornstar-esque. I also got freaked out by his conspiracist tendencies.

        Funny…he's still trying to pop up and talk to me, years later. However, there are no fucks to give for that kind of foolishness, so I don't respond.

  • Schmannnity

    The just ride horses to climax.

  • CommieDad

    Wait a second. My wife and I conceived all our children by oral sex. At least, I mean, she said that… isn't that how it's done? Oh fuck.

  • GregComlish

    The really naughty Mormon girls are into "double parking"

    • ProgressiveInga

      What about parallel parking? Is that why there are always 2 of them at the door?

    • thejazzmonger

      Hahaha… one of the best ever, my friend.

    • http://www.boskolives.wordpress.com boskolives

      Now I have to rethink the idea behind Mitt's multi-level parking garage, he may be on to something. Finally.

  • Jus_Wonderin

    What is the Morman Church position on Vibrators? (I set them up. Wonks, run with this one will ya?)

    • Not_So_Much

      Reverse Cowgirl?

    • jodyleek

      Missionary. Of course.

    • eggsacklywright

      Vibrating plates. It's complicated.

    • Geminisunmars

      Only if battery-free.

      • Beowoof

        There is a wind up vibrator, oh that has to suck if it unwinds thirty seconds before you get there.

    • Caveat_Echinos

      You kidding? Masturbation is WRONG WRONG WRONG! Which is why they send to 19 year old men at the peak of their sexual awakening together on their missions. It's not masturbation if someone else is doing it for you.

      Vibrators during couple's sex play? And risk the woman getting off? She might forget her place!

  • Terry

    "LDS President Harold B. Lee: I was shocked to have you raise the question about ‘oral lovemaking in the genital area among married couples.’ Heaven forbid any such degrading activities which would be abhorrent in the sight of the Lord. For any Latter-day Saint, and particularly those who have been taught in the sacred ordinances of the temple, to engage in any kind of perversions of this sacred God-given gift of procreation, would be sure to bring down the condemnation of the Lord whom we would offend were we to engage in any such practice."

    Sure, but instituting polygamy in your church so you can schtupp teenaged girls is A-OK.

  • Baconzgood

    "a boy putting his thingie in a girl’s hoo-hah but then the two of them remain absolutely still"

    Actually I think that is a tantric sex position that is supposed to give you both amazing orgasm but it takes hours to achieve.

    • KeepFnThatChicken

      Doesn't this act sound like it would encourage "an erection lasting longer than four hours"?

      • Geminisunmars

        An immediate visit to the ER is required upon completion.

    • mayor_quimby

      That's just the trick us guys use so we can get in there, after that good luck to either party with that staying still bullshit. It's the Mormon version of 'just the tip'

    • ChessieNefercat

      "Actually I think that is a tantric sex position that is supposed to give you both amazing orgasm but it takes hours to achieve"

      Yes, and I'm sure that your average, repressed, ignorant, Mormon teens would be well-versed in the subtle nuances of sexual psychology and physiology that would make this concept successful. Especially since patience in that situation is the hallmark of adolescent male sex.

      • http://www.boskolives.wordpress.com boskolives

        Most memorable line as a teen male? "I promise I won't cum in your mouth, but if I do your tits will get bigger!".

  • SorosBot

    No cunnilingus? Mormon ladies must all have a sad. I feel bad for them.

    • Baconzgood

      Send all the 18-35 year olds (Measurments 34-32-34) to baconz. I'll give them the help they need.

    • TakomaDC

      I think they'd be rather saved from the frustration of dealing with a moron, I mean "Mormon" who doesn't know what he's doing.

  • elviouslyqueer

    Maybe you could be more like Catholics, and just do whatever you like! (Like vote for Obama even though Kathryn Jean Lopez and some bishop say that will imperil your eternal soul.)

    Exactly. Because I depend entirely on a bunch of old, celibate, unmarried men who spend an inordinate amount of time smoking prepubescent boycock to tell me that my almost-20-year relationship with my partner is morally wrong and not worthy of being called a "marriage."

  • Biel_ze_Bubba

    So that's why Mitt never eats anything below the muffin top.

    • http://facethesuncastnoshadow.wordpress.com/ Mumbletypeg

      WIN

    • ph7

      Mitt ain't seen nothing until he goes down on a muffin.

      • GregComlish

        muffin diving

      • emmelemm

        Sure to be changin' his ways…

    • shelwood46

      Now we know what he meant when he said all the butter is in the bottom.

    • Dashboard Buddha

      That is definitely the win.

  • chicken_thief

    "Mitt, I'll bet you $10,000 that you've convinced the little lady that that rule is bullshit."

    ~ Perrywinkle, sent via iPhone from Niggerhead

    • thejazzmonger

      Nah, among Mitt's boatload of bad ideas, I bet he goes along with the 'no muff-diving' rule.

      • chicken_thief

        You saying he doesn't wanna rock (the little man in) the boat?

  • IncenseDebate

    Bad news for Rafalca?

  • http://intensedebate.com/people/mrblifil mrblifil

    Well, I'm just a modern guy
    Of course, I've had it in my ear before
    Well, I've a lust for life
    Hey man, where'd ya get that lotion?

  • KeepFnThatChicken

    oral lovemaking in the genital area among married couples

    Great verbiage there, Mormon preacher man. Are there any Mormons that won't fail a Turing test?!

    • shelwood46

      So it's cool for singles? Awesome.

  • kittensdontlie

    Idle mouths are the devil's playground.

  • rickmaci

    Don't think the kids get the message. Known a few LDS girls in my time. Let's just say they were regular parking lots. LMAO.

  • SpeedoFart

    Trust the Mormons to suck the fun out of everything.

    I mean, come on. At least fundy teens are into anal.

  • Boojum

    Q. You don't drink, don't smoke, what do you do?

    A. Nothing.

  • teebob2000

    I disagree that God disapproves. When my wife's blowing me (which she does SPECTACULARLY, BTW) I invoke the Lord pretty much non-stop.

  • eggsacklywright

    Parking should never be confused with porking.

  • BornInATrailer

    Finally, something Mitt and Barack have in common.

    loltriteblackmenstereotypejoke

  • http://www.notfrisco.com/colmatales/norton/proclaim.html#declaration Joshua Norton

    When a reporter asked Ann what some of her positions were, she said "I'm Mormon. I just lay there".

  • Blueb4sinrise

    [just doing stretches and running in place waiting for the Bibi Bomb post]

  • rickmaci

    Her. "Why don't we have sex like they do in the movies?
    Him. Turned her face down, slapped her on the fanny, pulled her head back by her hair and proceeded to ride like a wild cowboy.

    Seems they were not watching the same kind of movies.

  • smashedinhat

    Way late here, but rules & sex? All you need is a safe word folks. Carry on!

  • Toomush_Infer

    So, sad Wonketteer converts: that means that buttfucking….

  • Monsieur_Grumpe

    You mean Mormons don’t suck?

  • AddHomonym

    Looks like I'd better update my OK Cupid profile.

  • Not_So_Much

    I've also heard 'parking' referred to as 'soaking'. I don't know if it's a "True Thing" or not.

    Most of the young Mo's I know are so scared of their 'swimsuit area' that I'm a bit skeptical.

    • BornInATrailer

      I like the term soaking much, much more. That takes it from "heh, funny" to downright hilarious.

  • Monsieur_Grumpe

    I guess Mormons are just a waste of a tongue and lips.

  • rocktonsam

    so whats their stance on tongue punching the fart box.?

    miss you Waggleman

  • Arkoday

    Well, that sucks…

  • SorosBot

    Butt what are their rules on anal?

    • GregComlish

      It's ok as long as its mediated through some eroticized punishment for women being "bad"

  • ph7

    Mitt and Ann use only 47% of their erogenous zones. Because they are victims.

  • http://lostintarnation.blogspot.com/ SayItWithWookies

    You'd think a religion where everybody has to lie all the time about what they do would keep people humble — but no, it turns some of 'em into self-righteous assholes and the rest into climbing-the-walls uptight orgasm-free crazies.

    • shelwood46

      I especially enjoyed Egg's fellow Mormon women ripping into her for her "improper" outfit she wore on Leno. Not because it was a leather nightmare, but because she couldn't possibly be wearing her magic underwear under it, according to them. Hee.

  • iTuna

    'Parking' is 'swaddling'.
    http://mbmbam.libsyn.com/my-brother-my-brother-an

    My Brother My Brother & Me Libel!

  • ph7

    I'll reserve judgment until Kathryn Lopez weighs in on this.

  • http://facethesuncastnoshadow.wordpress.com/ Mumbletypeg

    We need Ted "my face is a Maserati and you're the garage" Nugent's crucial opinion inserted into the discussion if the Repub's are ever gonna wriggle out of this one.

  • dennis1943

    Seems i read about "parking" in the "Harrad Experiment"………..

    • ThundercatHo

      You must be old like me. I remember reading it when I was a teenager but don't really remember what it was about …something, Ivy League co-eds,something.

  • LiberalMermaid

    I thought Mittens loved papyas.

  • Beetagger

    I'm not answering this one because it hits a little too close to home.

  • Thurman Munster IV

    The Stench can't take a little stench?

  • Buzz Feedback

    Now there's going to be a flood of Jamaican guys claiming they're Mormon.

    • mayor_quimby

      Hey, hey, now – I'm the progeny of Jamaicans, and I totally do that at every opportunity!

  • BartStarrland

    There's a joke here somewhere that ends "Oh…I thought he said Latter Day Taint". I got nothing.

    • natl_indecency_cmdr

      I love Latter Day taint. Has a little funk to it, you know?

  • decentcitizen

    For godly people, the LDS seems awfully concerned about what goes on in people's bedroom.

  • TakomaDC

    I guess Warren Jeffs never got that particular memo. But now that he's in prison for life + 20 yrs – I'm sure he'll be obeying his bible to the letter.

  • natl_indecency_cmdr

    If "oral lovemaking in the genital area" is "abhorrent" then I don't want to be, um, "horrent?"

  • TakomaDC

    Those morons are worshipping at the wrong temple…………..AGAIN?

  • Generation[redacted]

    Damn, that's like "I have a headache" times a million!

  • CommieLibunatic

    Slightly off-topic, but that bishop linked at the end (naturally) opposes gay rights… as he is pictured wearing a pink skullcap. Oy.

  • Hammiepants

    I do not want to live in a world with no oral, either getting or giving. This is a glimpse into a hell dimension that fills me with utter horror (I am not snarking here – dead serious).

  • natoslug

    I'm surprised I got my wife to quit the church before she was excommunicated then, because she was, and is, a regular hoover.

  • SaintRond

    Jesus Christ All Mighty, What the hell's the point of having a shitload of teenage wives if you can't eat them out? If God didn't want us to eat them out, he wouldn't have made them taste so good.

  • resolvedwaldron

    You know what's hard about eating vegetables in a nursing home? Tilting the wheel chair back.

  • barto

    So double-parking is cool, also?

  • ThundercatHo

    Quick poll: How many of you wonks would sacrifice a lifetime of blowjobs in order to get your own planet (maybe)?

    • Dashboard Buddha

      Only if that planet was shaped like a beautiful woman's mouth and was prepared to blow me forever. Otherwise, no deal.

  • http://whatisawatthedevolution.blogspot.com imissopus

    I believe it was Kenneth the Page who said "If God was a city planner he would not put a playground next to a sewage system!"

  • LibertyLover

    I am curious about this parking thingy… what if one has to shift gears? Or forgets to set the parking brake?

  • thejazzmonger

    Didn't we learn anything from the growth and prosperity during the Clinton Administration? The president should be getting blowjobs as frequently as security briefings.

    Cigars optional.

  • thejazzmonger

    No blowjobs, ever! No wonder Mitt's thinking is so fuzzy.

  • Nesnora

    The filthiest (and worst), bestselling modern Mormon authors today wrote 'Twilight' and '50 Shades of Grey'. This is how Mormons fantasize (actual quotes):

    "My inner goddess fist pumps the air above her chaise lounge"

    "His finger circled my puckered love cave. "Are you ready?" He mewled smirking at me like a mother hamster about to eat her three legged young"

    “Does this mean you’re going to make love to me tonight, Christian?” Holy shit. Did I just say that? His mouth drops open slightly, but he recovers quickly. “No, Anastasia it doesn’t. Firstly, I don’t make love. I fuck… hard. Secondly, there’s a lot more paperwork to do, and thirdly, you don’t yet know what you’re in for. You could still run for the hills. Come, I want to show you my playroom.” My mouth drops open. Fuck hard! Holy shit, that sounds so… hot. But why are we looking at a playroom? I am mystified. “You want to play on your Xbox?” I ask. He laughs, loudly. “No, Anastasia, no Xbox, no Playstation. Come.” … Producing a key from his pocket, he unlocks yet another door and takes a deep breath.“You can leave anytime. The helicopter is on stand-by to take you whenever you want to go, you can stay the night and go home in the morning. It’s fine whatever you decide.” “Just open the damn door, Christian.” He opens the door and stands back to let me in. I gaze at him once more. I so want to know what’s in here. Taking a deep breath I walk in. And it feels like I’ve time-traveled back to the sixteenth century and the Spanish Inquisition. Holy fuck.”

    • http://lostintarnation.blogspot.com/ SayItWithWookies

      I've said it before and I'll say it again — badly-written fiction is the most enduring Mormon tradition.

    • Negropolis

      Wait, is that last one an actual excerpt from 50 Shades of Meh? I heard that the writing was bad. I didn't know it was this bad. "Holy fuck", indeed.

  • DahBoner

    Why, one of the greatest Blowjob pickup lines of all time is right there in The Bible:

    "Hey baby, how about a little 'due benevolence'?…"
    http://skepticsannotatedbible.com/says_about/oral

  • evoshandor

    I wonder if titty-fucking is okay?

    • Generation[redacted]

      If that question doesn't get asked in the first debate, the MSM will have lost all credibility.

  • kyeshinka

    Mittens supporters actually kiss their sisters with those mouths?

  • http://wonkette.com/ outragedcitizen

    Wait, what does that mean for the Teabaggers if Mittens is elected?

  • irishdave3

    Did Aryan Ann, She-devil of the LDS,,,ever let a horse eat oats out of her hand?

  • ChessieNefercat

    Jesus, mouth agape, saying to Dad, "WTF?" Where in the hell did they get that idea?

    (Lucifer, laughing in the corner…)

  • Caveat_Echinos

    All I see in my head is LDS President Harold B Lee looking around at the men surrounding him, saying "watch this",and penning this reply while laughing his ass off with total troll face.

    ""Evil Behavior" no, no "Disgusting actions" no… How about "degrading activities which would be abhorrent"!!! Perfect! This poor boy's pecker is gonna need a baptism… for the dead!!!" Other men erupt in cheers and laughter.

    * I was raised in Utah, as non LDS. I have no love for that religion.

  • Caveat_Echinos

    When I was a teen, I would attend church with my best friend. Us damn atheists get bored on Sundays.

    Our favorite game was to add "in bed" to the end of hymn names – like fortune cookies only a lot more evil. Try it: http://www.lds.org/cm/catalogsearchalpha/1,17929,…

    Come come ye saints, in bed
    O My Father in Bed
    Arise O god and Shine in bed
    How firm a foundation in bed

  • Schmegeg

    Wait, these guys have nine wives, so let us presume there is some three way and up action.. What exactly is happening, then?

  • ttommyunger

    I would comment about this but there's a pussy that needs a good tongue-lashing right about now….

  • vrouch

    I was wrong. Apparently it doesn't suck to be a Mormon.